Scarlett Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Update in post 53 I am going through this right now with my parents. In my old life....my MIL is 15 years older than my mom....and Xh and I spent YEARS showing her houses in our area. She even sold one of her houses and had all the contents moved to our city for storage because she kept saying she was going to move near us. 15 years later and that stuff in still in storage at 100 a month. Now she is 85 and still 6 hours from Xh and she is never moving--I think that is a given at this point. So now, she is no longer my problem. Which is great because she is mean but anyway, my parents are now 70 and 76 and we live 2 1/2 hours from them. They made a trip over to see me in May and looked at many houses...went home and mom started saying they weren't moving. She seemed suddenly very stubborn and unreasonable.....saying the town I live in is no better than where they live now. I reminded her yes it is better because I am here! Then she went on to give me a bunch of reasons which were not based on fact....such as it is just as far to hospitals and doctors as where she lives now. No. No it isn't. And I had already mapquested her some very specific trips...to doctors, and hospital and good shopping from a couple of very specific houses they looked at. She came close to telling me I was fudging numbers! The conversation turned pretty heated and she started crying and accused me of beating up on her at which point I apologized and told her I was sorry and I woul not bring it up again. My sister who lives 2500 miles away told me too just let them be. So the next day. I kid you not....she texts me and asks me about a house for sale here. I answered her question...just the facts. A week later they call me and ask if they can come visit two days later. I say sure. We have a nice dinner, get up the next morning and I say so what do you guys want to do today? They had been looking at new vehicles too so I thought that might be on their agenda. Mom says, "well can we go look at houses without getting in a fight?" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said sure. And spent the next two days driving them all over the county. Suddenly they were talking like they were very committed to moving here. They looked at one house twice in two days..took dh to look second time....came home ne discussed what all it needed....and how much they would offer. I felt they were this close to making an offer. Dad, who can be very quiet until he has thought things through.....went and took a shower and came back out and said her thinks this is all going too fast. That they have a month long trip planned in September to see my sister and they don't even have the house up for sale back home and it isn't a good idea to buy a house and let it sit empty for a long time and maybe they need to wait until they get back and get the house on the market and move just a little slower. At which point I said that sounded very reasonable. My fear however is that it will be drug out indefinitely. Sigh. Someone please tell me it will be ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I think it is very hard for some older people to move away from everything they've known. Some seem to move near their children with joy, as soon as they retire and those grandkids start coming along. Others are reluctant to give up their community, their friends, and their house full of memories. It is time my mom start thinking about moving to assisted living or moving near my sister and I (also about 2 1/2 hours away). The thing is, she knows nobody here but us. Back in her town, she still has a number of friends, (even though many have also moved on), she has the faculty, both current and retired, at the music school where she taught, she can still somewhat easily go to concerts and music events that would be hard, here. I think moving here would put one foot in the grave for her. Yet, moving into an assisted living facility in her own town would do the same thing. What bugs me the most is that I think she wants, and maybe even expects, more help and assistance from us, but 2 1/2 hours is a long drive, do-able in a day, but not really comfortable, and neither I nor my sister have an easy time getting to her town for more than a day or two. My sister is pregnant, I've got two kids in the busiest time of their childhood. Getting away is not easy. All that to say, I get it, and it's not easy. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 I think it is very hard for some older people to move away from everything they've known. Some seem to move near their children with joy, as soon as they retire and those grandkids start coming along. Others are reluctant to give up their community, their friends, and their house full of memories. It is time my mom start thinking about moving to assisted living or moving near my sister and I (also about 2 1/2 hours away). The thing is, she knows nobody here but us. Back in her town, she still has a number of friends, (even though many have also moved on), she has the faculty, both current and retired, at the music school where she taught, she can still somewhat easily go to concerts and music events that would be hard, here. I think moving here would put one foot in the grave for her. Yet, moving into an assisted living facility in her own town would do the same thing. What bugs me the most is that I think she wants, and maybe even expects, more help and assistance from us, but 2 1/2 hours is a long drive, do-able in a day, but not really comfortable, and neither I nor my sister have an easy time getting to her town for more than a day or two. My sister is pregnant, I've got two kids in the busiest time of their childhood. Getting away is not easy. All that to say, I get it, and it's not easy. Yeah I can't do the trip in a day. Well I could but as you say very hard to do. And taking even two days out of my schedule is very difficult. I think they will be happy here....our congregation is great and they can still do all the same religious activities they are doing back home. One of her arguments was , "well you don't have time for me now why would you have time for me if we lived there". Arggggg. I think she just needed to be reassured....so I explained that I could stop by for coffee....have them over for dinner....we would be at all the same religious services several times a week....I would be close to take them to doc visits....things like that that are easier than spending 5 hours driving just to get to them and back home. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 It will be ok. ((Hugs)) We're going through this with my in laws. They are (were) 2 hours and 15 minutes away. Not far, but really hard to go take them to appts, or just toss kids in the car to meet for lunch. I know just what you mean about the distance. It's just far enough to make it hard. We tried for years to get them closer. Same reaction. I started feeling like they were humoring us by looking occasionally. The dashed hopes were painful. So sorry you are living with that roller coaster as well. In our case, we gave up. We finally moved closer to them two weeks ago. Our trip is now one hour -much more doable. But that's not always an option. Hang in there. My fingers are crossed that they'll move closer to you soon. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 We're the ones that moved. We are now just a few minutes from my family. Dh's parents live across the country but two of his siblings moved to them as well. Good luck! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 We have dhs parents taken care of. They moved to the town where his youngest sister and brother live. Closer to good medical care too. I am it for my parents. My sister is too far away and my brother is mentally ill. And we can move near them....no jobs for dh and he has a great job here....all of these things we have discussed with my parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Innisfree Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Well... this may not be what you want to hear, and of course ymmv. I have been where you are, and I'm not sure I would push it again if I could do it over. My mother had always said how much she wished she lived close to us and could see the kids every day. They did need to move away from their house with no bedrooms or bathrooms on the first floor. A house came on the market near us which was accessible and really completely suitable, my father wanted to buy it, and he and I jointly encouraged/pushed her to agree. They had been trying for years to agree on some retirement living situation in their own community and just couldn't agree, and the situation had become urgent, so we pushed, and she capitulated. She had been in her old home for fifty years and had deep roots in the community. She wasn't really able to get to various meetings any longer, but she had the security of feeling like that community was all around her and accessible if she wanted to make the effort. We took that away from her, with all the best intentions but not enough understanding. In her new community it quickly became obvious that she was more confused than we had realized. She had no well-trodden routes. She'd call, late at night, from some completely improbable and often unsafe location because she'd gotten lost driving. She had a couple of minor accidents. We had to take her keys away, and then she felt completely isolated and dependent, even though the kids and I were very close and with her frequently. I realized that when she'd said she wished she was closer to us, what she had really meant was that she wished we were closer to her. Our presence did not compensate for the loss of her community. She never did really adjust. Her pain at leaving her home was the constant theme of every conversation for years, until I'd stop by the house just long enough to drop off supplies and flee when the refrain began. It hurts to realize the commitment to be there for your parent and help them in old age has actually harmed them, and you cannot fix that harm. Dementia did stop that refrain in a few years, and it was easier for me to come over and comfort her in the middle of the night when she was having delusions, because I was so close. It was easier for me to keep an eye on the care she received, and accompany her to doctor's visits, and make sure she had food she liked and the right sort of tea. The practicalities were all easier, and maybe that makes up for the fact that she was so unhappy with the move, but I'm not sure. If I could have put her in a good assisted living place in her own community, maybe she would have been happier. I just won't ever know. All this is just to say that this stage of life isn't easy. With the very best intentions one can do the wrong thing, or never know what the right thing might have been. Old age, really old age, not young old age, is often cruel and really awful. And the decision to leave a known familiar life for a new community is so wrenching and has such deep repercussions that, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't push if there is time for your parents to make their own decision in their own time. 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 nm 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree Frog Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 We just moved MIL to us. She had been about 13 hours away from us, no other family nearby, and didn't really want to move. We'd been asking her to move for years. She had her friends at her senior apartment and I know she misses them. When we visited her at Christmas in her old apartment, we noticed some personnel cleaning out a room. Turns out a man had died there all alone and no one noticed until his body started smelling. I think that convinced her to move. She didn't want to die alone and there was a high likelihood that might happen. A couple of years ago, she was in the hospital and none of her family knew until she was back home. However, once MIL makes up her mind, she wants it done NOW. So it was a fairly fast move. Medically speaking, she is heading downhill and I'm so glad she's here so we can take care of her. I wonder, though, if the move hastened her medical issues. I wish she'd moved sooner so she could make friends locally. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree Frog Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Well... this may not be what you want to hear, and of course ymmv. I have been where you are, and I'm not sure I would push it again if I could do it over. My mother had always said how much she wished she lived close to us and could see the kids every day. They did need to move away from their house with no bedrooms or bathrooms on the first floor. A house came on the market near us which was accessible and really completely suitable, my father wanted to buy it, and he and I jointly encouraged/pushed her to agree. They had been trying for years to agree on some retirement living situation in their own community and just couldn't agree, and the situation had become urgent, so we pushed, and she capitulated. She had been in her old home for fifty years and had deep roots in the community. She wasn't really able to get to various meetings any longer, but she had the security of feeling like that community was all around her and accessible if she wanted to make the effort. We took that away from her, with all the best intentions but not enough understanding. In her new community it quickly became obvious that she was more confused than we had realized. She had no well-trodden routes. She'd call, late at night, from some completely improbable and often unsafe location because she'd gotten lost driving. She had a couple of minor accidents. We had to take her keys away, and then she felt completely isolated and dependent, even though the kids and I were very close and with her frequently. I realized that when she'd said she wished she was closer to us, what she had really meant was that she wished we were closer to her. Our presence did not compensate for the loss of her community. She never did really adjust. Her pain at leaving her home was the constant theme of every conversation for years, until I'd stop by the house just long enough to drop off supplies and flee when the refrain began. It hurts to realize the commitment to be there for your parent and help them in old age has actually harmed them, and you cannot fix that harm. Dementia did stop that refrain in a few years, and it was easier for me to come over and comfort her in the middle of the night when she was having delusions, because I was so close. It was easier for me to keep an eye on the care she received, and accompany her to doctor's visits, and make sure she had food she liked and the right sort of tea. The practicalities were all easier, and maybe that makes up for the fact that she was so unhappy with the move, but I'm not sure. If I could have put her in a good assisted living place in her own community, maybe she would have been happier. I just won't ever know. All this is just to say that this stage of life isn't easy. With the very best intentions one can do the wrong thing, or never know what the right thing might have been. Old age, really old age, not young old age, is often cruel and really awful. And the decision to leave a known familiar life for a new community is so wrenching and has such deep repercussions that, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't push if there is time for your parents to make their own decision in their own time. This is what's happening with MIL. I wish circumstances had been such that she had been willing to move closer sooner. Now she doesn't know anyone but us, lives in a large, new, nice senior apartment with good amenities, isn't able to use them because her health has deteriorated so much, and doesn't know anyone because she's essentially house bound. She also feels like she's a burden to us and won't communicate concerns to us directly. Sometimes I hear about them from her daughter. It's good she's here; the medical stuff would have caused her significant logistical problems when she lived in her old home, but I do wonder if she would have done better not knowing what was happening to her body and stayed in her community. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Well... this may not be what you want to hear, and of course ymmv. I have been where you are, and I'm not sure I would push it again if I could do it over. My mother had always said how much she wished she lived close to us and could see the kids every day. They did need to move away from their house with no bedrooms or bathrooms on the first floor. A house came on the market near us which was accessible and really completely suitable, my father wanted to buy it, and he and I jointly encouraged/pushed her to agree. They had been trying for years to agree on some retirement living situation in their own community and just couldn't agree, and the situation had become urgent, so we pushed, and she capitulated. She had been in her old home for fifty years and had deep roots in the community. She wasn't really able to get to various meetings any longer, but she had the security of feeling like that community was all around her and accessible if she wanted to make the effort. We took that away from her, with all the best intentions but not enough understanding. In her new community it quickly became obvious that she was more confused than we had realized. She had no well-trodden routes. She'd call, late at night, from some completely improbable and often unsafe location because she'd gotten lost driving. She had a couple of minor accidents. We had to take her keys away, and then she felt completely isolated and dependent, even though the kids and I were very close and with her frequently. I realized that when she'd said she wished she was closer to us, what she had really meant was that she wished we were closer to her. Our presence did not compensate for the loss of her community. She never did really adjust. Her pain at leaving her home was the constant theme of every conversation for years, until I'd stop by the house just long enough to drop off supplies and flee when the refrain began. It hurts to realize the commitment to be there for your parent and help them in old age has actually harmed them, and you cannot fix that harm. Dementia did stop that refrain in a few years, and it was easier for me to come over and comfort her in the middle of the night when she was having delusions, because I was so close. It was easier for me to keep an eye on the care she received, and accompany her to doctor's visits, and make sure she had food she liked and the right sort of tea. The practicalities were all easier, and maybe that makes up for the fact that she was so unhappy with the move, but I'm not sure. If I could have put her in a good assisted living place in her own community, maybe she would have been happier. I just won't ever know. All this is just to say that this stage of life isn't easy. With the very best intentions one can do the wrong thing, or never know what the right thing might have been. Old age, really old age, not young old age, is often cruel and really awful. And the decision to leave a known familiar life for a new community is so wrenching and has such deep repercussions that, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't push if there is time for your parents to make their own decision in their own time. We do want them to make the decision themselves. But my sister and I are both telling them that now is the time for that while they are still active and healthy. Moving when Demetria has started is very very difficult and it sounds like what your mom experienced. I have had a few panic attacks thinking about them being her so close....but I love them and they are awesome parents so I think it will be fine. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Innisfree Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Yes, if they can happily make that decision while they're young enough to adjust, that is obviously the best situation. I hope that happens for you all. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 I assume your parents have lived in their house for quite a while? I think the longer one lives in one place, the harder it is to let go of that place. We've moved all our married lives. Most places we only lived for 4-5 years, except for the last house which we lived in for 15 years. It was SOOO much harder to leave that last house. The other houses it was like, 'Meh, let's go'. But the house we spent 15 years in had so many memories and family history connected to it. It was so very painful to leave it. Your parents might be feeling like that. It's a kind of grieving process. And, in their case, compounded by the fact that moving to be closer to you as they age is a little like admitting that they're getting too old to take care of themselves - which is hard if they've always been very independent people. It's not really a matter of which town/church/house/doctor is better. It's a matter of leaving all those memories (people?) behind. If you could find a way to help them ease that pain, it might help them let go of the old house. And I have NO idea how you'd do that. :grouphug: They have only been married for 14 years....and living full time in moms house for about ten. And mom lived their for about 5 years before that. She has always been a bit of a gypsy...but I can tell she is overwhelmed by the thought of moving. I know it will be hard. It was hard for me and I am 20 years younger....but having us already here should help some. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 My MIL had some heart issues...and the logistics were a nightmare for all of us.....so youngest SIL brought up the subject of them moving closer to one of the 7 kids. MIL started crying and said she thought they weren't wanted. So once we had that out of the way she decided on moving closer to youngest daughter and son in an area they had visited often. It happened very quickly over fears and protest of FIL....just months after they got moved FIL was diagnosed with middle stage Alzheimer's. They still have their old home place to sell....but I am so thankful they moved when they did. Oh and within days of me telling mom FIL was diagnosed with alzhemers they were back looking at houses here. So maybe that spurred them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 They seem committed now. They have started a few repairs and upkeep to their current house and rental property.....so I am thinking that is part of plan. Mom is also checking out home prices in their area and they have an idea of what their place will bring. I think it is a reasonable idea too....I was afraid they would want too much.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 And in the meantime my brother is dealing with our dad who is terminally ill...he has been living with brother for about 6 months and is on hospice now...my brother is about at the end of his rope...I think our dad will being going to a nursing home soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kahlanne Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I don't have any advice but wanted to send :grouphug:. We will be dealing with this issue in the near future. My mom and stepdad are having some long term health issues and getting them to visit is difficult. Can't imagine how it will be when they need more care. My mother-in-law is in early stages of Alzheimer and her children don't want her in a home but she is starting have major issues with living alone. Soon a decision will have to be made as to how to care for her whether she wants it or not. I've been through this with my granddad as one of the two people in charge of his care and it is never easy. I feel for both sides of the equations. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 I've spent all day talking to my brother. Our dad will be going to the nursing home tomorrow for a 5 day respite because my brother and his wife are at their breaking point. I doubt dad will ever come home. This is not the dad married to my mom....:) confusing I know. But I am hoping this is one more thing to help spur my mom to action since she knows how difficult of a time my brother is having. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Hugs to all of you who are dealing with these difficult situations!! My parents are in their 80s and my mom says she's staying in their house until she dies.... For me, the take-home here is that we all need to have a plan for what those last years might look like, so as not to burden our children unduly. Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuNaturel Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I wouldn't push the matter. If you can move closer to them, that would be better. My MIL forced her father to move and it threw him into full blown dementia. Change is not good for the elderly. He grew violent toward her, he threatened her, he struck at her. She was scared and called the police. He was put into a nursing home. Before the move he was shoveling snow in the winter and walking around the house, completely independent. After the move he was wheelchair bound, staring at a wall, not able to remember any of our names. It was heartbreaking. The entire family blamed my MIL. They felt it was selfish that she move him to where she wanted and did not consider his feelings. I understand that it's difficult, but it's really important that they have that familiarity and comfort. It sounds to me that moving was considered too late in their life. I live 1 hour from my father and my MIL. I will maintain no greater than that distance. I make my husband drive 45 miles to work because I refuse to move further away. He will transfer closer as soon as he has the opportunity. And our parents haven't reached 60 yet. Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Dealing with my mother, who is completely sharp at 90, I try to remember that she is an adult with complete autonomy. She's not stupid, so she knows that if she stays where she is (eight hours away) then she cannot get much help from me and is more likely to end up in a care home, because I won't be there to help her to stay independent. She has moving close to me or my brother in mind - she brings it up occasionally - but it's always 'not yet'. That's her choice, hard as it is to watch. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TianXiaXueXiao Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 My mom recently came up to stay with us and look for houses. She was here for 7 weeks and didn't look at a single house. She's 73 and alone in the mountains about 17 hours away by car. I'm the only one who will take care of her when the time comes. I've been trying to convince her to move closer for the past 20 years since my dad died. I don't think it will ever happen. Even though her house is actually falling apart around her ears and she has no water and a terrible bear problem (so serious that she has had to board up windows in her house and had two vehicles attacked two weeks ago!), she will only talk about moving, but she'll never do it. I don't know what keeps her there. She has no friends or family for 60 miles. All of her friends have moved up here based on her suggestion. I don't know what will happen to her. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 (Hugs) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 At some point in life we all earn the right to sit naked on the couch and eat ice cream out of the box. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Scarlett, I think it is very difficult for older people to make a move like this, for many reasons-it represents a loss for them. I am glad though that at the end of the day, they have chosen to do what seems reasonable. I sure wish that would happen here! But no way. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Scarlett, I think it is very difficult for older people to make a move like this, for many reasons-it represents a loss for them. I am glad though that at the end of the day, they have chosen to do what seems reasonable. I sure wish that would happen here! But no way. Thanks all. I know they are 70 and 76 but they are very active. They spend many hours a week in volunteer work. They go an hour to the city at least once a week for something. They have friends over for dinner. So I don't think they are too old to move. But I do think it feels like a step closer to the end for them to move near me. I have been trying to phrase it like I love them and miss them and want to spend time with them. That is an easier reason than hey you are so old you need me to take care of you! And the truth is they don't need me right now. But everything is fine until it isn't. This last trip mom was even looking at a house 1/2 mile from me. But I hope they will settle in town because we are 10 miles out a long dark road, crossing over two dykes. And dh and I have a goal of being in town within the next several years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 At some point in life we all earn the right to sit naked on the couch and eat ice cream out of the box. LOL. Yes. Yes we do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 My mom recently came up to stay with us and look for houses. She was here for 7 weeks and didn't look at a single house. She's 73 and alone in the mountains about 17 hours away by car. I'm the only one who will take care of her when the time comes. I've been trying to convince her to move closer for the past 20 years since my dad died. I don't think it will ever happen. Even though her house is actually falling apart around her ears and she has no water and a terrible bear problem (so serious that she has had to board up windows in her house and had two vehicles attacked two weeks ago!), she will only talk about moving, but she'll never do it. I don't know what keeps her there. She has no friends or family for 60 miles. All of her friends have moved up here based on her suggestion. I don't know what will happen to her. ((( hugs))) It must be very stressful on you knowing she is there alone in those conditions. :(. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 I wouldn't push the matter. If you can move closer to them, that would be better. My MIL forced her father to move and it threw him into full blown dementia. Change is not good for the elderly. He grew violent toward her, he threatened her, he struck at her. She was scared and called the police. He was put into a nursing home. Before the move he was shoveling snow in the winter and walking around the house, completely independent. After the move he was wheelchair bound, staring at a wall, not able to remember any of our names. It was heartbreaking. The entire family blamed my MIL. They felt it was selfish that she move him to where she wanted and did not consider his feelings. I understand that it's difficult, but it's really important that they have that familiarity and comfort. It sounds to me that moving was considered too late in their life. I live 1 hour from my father and my MIL. I will maintain no greater than that distance. I make my husband drive 45 miles to work because I refuse to move further away. He will transfer closer as soon as he has the opportunity. And our parents haven't reached 60 yet. Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk Well change may not be good for the elderly but there is no way to really know if your MILs father was just about to come undone anyway. And how much better it was that he was near his dd. health can change rapidly in anyone but especially the elderly. My first obligation is to my husband and he has to have a job. There are no jobs where my parents live. They don't even like their town....they want to be closer to a city with good medical care. I think they are just scared and overwhelmed. When they married 14 years ago they spent half their time here and half in the PNW where my dad had been living for 40 years. When my mom got bc they sold his place and moved to moms full time. It was very very difficult for them. Mostly emotionally difficult for my dad. Leaving his kids and grandkids and the home he shared with his late wife. So I don't think this move will be near as difficult. But I am done trying to convince them. I will be helpful and supportive and pray a lot. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 My mom recently came up to stay with us and look for houses. She was here for 7 weeks and didn't look at a single house. She's 73 and alone in the mountains about 17 hours away by car. I'm the only one who will take care of her when the time comes. I've been trying to convince her to move closer for the past 20 years since my dad died. I don't think it will ever happen. Even though her house is actually falling apart around her ears and she has no water and a terrible bear problem (so serious that she has had to board up windows in her house and had two vehicles attacked two weeks ago!), she will only talk about moving, but she'll never do it. I don't know what keeps her there. She has no friends or family for 60 miles. All of her friends have moved up here based on her suggestion. I don't know what will happen to her. That's so hard. My mother is in a decaying house too. She has a neighbour who looks out for her, but she doesn't have any friends. No bears, but she's 90 rather than 73. She also talks about moving but I don't think she will. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Hugs to all of you who are dealing with these difficult situations!! My parents are in their 80s and my mom says she's staying in their house until she dies.... For me, the take-home here is that we all need to have a plan for what those last years might look like, so as not to burden our children unduly. Anne Me too Anne. I have an only child so I plan to make sure I don't put this pressure on him as I age. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 And the decision to leave a known familiar life for a new community is so wrenching and has such deep repercussions that, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't push if there is time for your parents to make their own decision in their own time. This is what I worry about with my mom. I truly think that for now, at least, she is better off in her own place, for this reason exactly. I wish she would "buy" the help she needs to make her life easier. She can afford it, but she's been so frugal all of her life that she doesn't like to pay for help, or she'd like the pay the prices that were reasonable 20 years ago. ;-) I think if she'd be willing to pay for more help, er, more good help, she'd be fine in her house for another 3- 5 years, unless she experienced a major decline. But getting her to spend that money is hard. I guess she just wished she had a son or son-in-law nearby to help with house and lawn care. We did send my 15 year old for a week this past spring, and he was able to help her with a lot of yard work. Those two get along really well, so that was a good thing. I should probably do that more often, but it's getting harder and harder for my 15 year old to get away, too. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bambam Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 It is hard. We've been encouraging MIL to move here for some time. But... That means she has to give up her friends, her lunch dates, her exercise class with friends, her doctors, her regular familiar grocery stores, etc, etc, etc. Change is harder when you get older. And, seriously, if your health is not great, you have to go through all the trouble of finding new doctors and figuring out where they are located. Finding new doctors if you don't like the first set. Etc. And your friends. You aren't as out as much, so you don't meet as many people. And so you have less friends so you go out to things less often. And then you are lonely and stay home even more and the cycle gets worse. Your family is busy, so they don't have much time for you. And so on.Yes, they will take you to the doctor, but sometimes it feels like that is the *only* time you see them. So, yes it is tough. I'm not sure I'm going to want to do it when I get older. Familiar things are a comfort! Routine is comforting! Having the same doctor for the past 15 years is wonderful - they know you and your medical history. Personally I think moving to an assisted living community - independent living - would be the easiest. There are already people who remember the things/times you remember, are willing to play endless rounds of dominoes, bridge, cribbage, or whatever. Common meals make life easier because sometimes it isn't fun to cook for just one or two. And there are people to at least see - even if you don't talk to them, so you don't feel so alone anymore. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 It is extremely difficult to convince people to leave what they know. Dh's grandmother lived in Tennessee, away from everyone. MIL was her only living child and tried for years to get her to move to Florida, and in the meantime she and FIL made the 14 hour to TN several times a year (and they were not young). All of the adult grandkids including dh, his siblings, and the adult children of MIL"s deceased siblings, went when they could and stayed with her as long as they could. MIL had hired someone to come in daily to check on her and meet her needs, plus she did have a home health nurse, so she wasn't completely on her own. Still, she had no family locally. She repeatedly said, "I was born on this mountain and I'll die here." And she did. Eventually she went into a local nursing home, but she still died (at age 103) on her mountain. That's probably not what you want to hear, and hopefully your mom will continue to take steps towards moving, but you should be prepared for her to change her mind and dig her heels in. My mother OTOH, had she lived to be aged, would have happily moved in with us whether we wanted her to or not. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 It is hard. We've been encouraging MIL to move here for some time. But... That means she has to give up her friends, her lunch dates, her exercise class with friends, her doctors, her regular familiar grocery stores, etc, etc, etc. Change is harder when you get older. And, seriously, if your health is not great, you have to go through all the trouble of finding new doctors and figuring out where they are located. Finding new doctors if you don't like the first set. Etc. And your friends. You aren't as out as much, so you don't meet as many people. And so you have less friends so you go out to things less often. And then you are lonely and stay home even more and the cycle gets worse. Your family is busy, so they don't have much time for you. And so on.Yes, they will take you to the doctor, but sometimes it feels like that is the *only* time you see them. So, yes it is tough. I'm not sure I'm going to want to do it when I get older. Familiar things are a comfort! Routine is comforting! Having the same doctor for the past 15 years is wonderful - they know you and your medical history. Personally I think moving to an assisted living community - independent living - would be the easiest. There are already people who remember the things/times you remember, are willing to play endless rounds of dominoes, bridge, cribbage, or whatever. Common meals make life easier because sometimes it isn't fun to cook for just one or two. And there are people to at least see - even if you don't talk to them, so you don't feel so alone anymore. My parents would never do this. Nothing about that kind of life appeals to them at all. They won't even consider a condo on the lake. Atm, I am just trying to get them to downsize from 5 acres and 2 houses to a 1/2 acre and one house. Edited to add----I think I came across as saying assisted living communities are icky in some way. I don't think that and I think they can be fabulous for some people. My parents would not fit in to that world at all. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SebastianCat Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 We just lost DH's mom last week. She had a progressive lung disease and DH's dad has dementia, and we initiated the conversation about moving about 5 years ago. They had lived 4 hours away from us, and 5 and 8 hours away from DH's siblings. It was just something we brought up whenever the opportunity presented itself (like when MIL ended up in the hospital with pneumonia or a collapsed lung, and either DH or one of his siblings had to travel 4+ hours to stay with their dad). They ended up moving to assisted living in the city where my SIL lives about a year and a half ago. Because we had initiated the conversations many years prior, when the crisis point came and we KNEW they had to move, it was a bit easier for them to accept. It was still very hard, and there was a lot of grief over lost independence, leaving their friends and their church, and finding new doctors, etc., but they knew it was necessary at that point. When my MIL got sick 2 weeks ago, she went from "relatively normal" for her condition to gone in 6 days. It has been a HUGE comfort to know that FIL is already in assisted living with caretakers who know him, who can help him keep his normal routine, and my SIL is there to check on him. If MIL and FIL had been still in their own home, FIL wouldn't have been able to make a phone call for help. {Hugs.} It's really, really hard. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsBasil Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 We are combining households now, my parents are in their mid 50s but my father has mild to moderate Alzheimers. We are hoping having a shared financial burden will help them enjoy their "retirement" and allow me to work part time to not at all in order to help with dad's caregiving. My dad is excited, because our family likes to hike, visit places, and be active. My mom mainly wants to not be on the go. She is not as excited about it, but we bought a duplex style house with shared yard. She also doesn't have lunch dates, volunteer commitments, a job, or friends. Attempts to teach her how to use the bank, keep an eye on the bank balance, pay bills, send an email, and so on have been....difficult. She does not want to learn, wants me to handle their bills, appointments, and such, and give her an allowance. So, I will. But they need to live close so I can also manage my dad's issues and safety. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 We just lost DH's mom last week. She had a progressive lung disease and DH's dad has dementia, and we initiated the conversation about moving about 5 years ago. They had lived 4 hours away from us, and 5 and 8 hours away from DH's siblings. It was just something we brought up whenever the opportunity presented itself (like when MIL ended up in the hospital with pneumonia or a collapsed lung, and either DH or one of his siblings had to travel 4+ hours to stay with their dad). They ended up moving to assisted living in the city where my SIL lives about a year and a half ago. Because we had initiated the conversations many years prior, when the crisis point came and we KNEW they had to move, it was a bit easier for them to accept. It was still very hard, and there was a lot of grief over lost independence, leaving their friends and their church, and finding new doctors, etc., but they knew it was necessary at that point. When my MIL got sick 2 weeks ago, she went from "relatively normal" for her condition to gone in 6 days. It has been a HUGE comfort to know that FIL is already in assisted living with caretakers who know him, who can help him keep his normal routine, and my SIL is there to check on him. If MIL and FIL had been still in their own home, FIL wouldn't have been able to make a phone call for help. {Hugs.} It's really, really hard. So sorry for your loss. One of the things my sister has said privately to dad is 'if something happens to you don't you want smom to be close to Scarlett?' I am sure that affected him. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 We are combining households now, my parents are in their mid 50s but my father has mild to moderate Alzheimers. We are hoping having a shared financial burden will help them enjoy their "retirement" and allow me to work part time to not at all in order to help with dad's caregiving. My dad is excited, because our family likes to hike, visit places, and be active. My mom mainly wants to not be on the go. She is not as excited about it, but we bought a duplex style house with shared yard. She also doesn't have lunch dates, volunteer commitments, a job, or friends. Attempts to teach her how to use the bank, keep an eye on the bank balance, pay bills, send an email, and so on have been....difficult. She does not want to learn, wants me to handle their bills, appointments, and such, and give her an allowance. So, I will. But they need to live close so I can also manage my dad's issues and safety. She is only in her mid 50s and doesn't take care of any of that stuff? Did your dad always do it for her? My mom takes care of all that. She is 70 but still very very 'with it' for lack of a better term. I have noticed a few things lately that while not serious make me realize she is aging. They aren't secretive about their business at all. They tell my sister and me everything we ask. That is helpful too. They don't fear either of us will steal from them or take advantage in any way. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 I've been texting with my brother all morning. The ambulance came and took our dad to the nursing home. This stuff is so hard. I am going to drive over in the next few days and see dad. I don't think he will know me though. I don't think he has long at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Innisfree Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I've been texting with my brother all morning. The ambulance came and took our dad to the nursing home. This stuff is so hard. I am going to drive over in the next few days and see dad. I don't think he will know me though. I don't think he has long at all. Yes, it is so hard. I'm so sorry. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 The "Plus" side of this is that your parents only live 2 1/2 hours from you (by car) and it sounds like they are very active and in good health. Probably at this point they are fine living where they are now and you should drop this. The "Minus" side of this is that if/when they are much older and/or have serious medical problems, it will be much harder for you to get them to budge from the city where they are living now. Again, the plus is that you live very close to where they live. GL 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Scarlett, I am so sorry!! Anne 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm on my fifth relative as a long-distance "care manager," and it's frustrating and sad all at once. This last one hit in July a few weeks before were going on vacation. I had in my mind that I needed to fly out and see how they were doing and have the "talk" perhaps with a lawyer present so we could get the legal end set up, and it didn't happen. Now they're so medically frail that they can't be moved, and I'm going crazy trying to manage everything at once with a team that I had to hire via phone interviews. There are so many financial and legal issues involved too. Tough stuff! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SharonM Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Welcome to my life! My mil lives in so. cal. and we live north of Seattle. She would always ask us when we were moving back down there, and we both told her that we were not. Dh had his job (since gone) and I had mine and schooling. Plus kids are depending on us for cheap living while they are in college. So last summer she decided that she was ready to move here. Shocking!! Dh, having just lost his job, said I will pack you up. He left last Sept 11. It is now almost 1 year and she is finally getting to the end of her pack up the house journey. She has paid my dh his old salary to help her, because he would have had to come home to work, we could not last that long with out work. But she is insisting on a estate sale, although getting ready for it has cost her way more than she will ever make on it. My dh has really had a hard time of it, coming home in April for 1 week. Very tiring for him dealing with her old lady stuff. Estate sale is on Sept 26. House will be put on the market after that. I pray it sells quickly and she gets moved here. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SharonM Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Added to previous post., Mil is buying a house and we will live with her and take care of her. So her moving here is to prevent her from going to a "home" of any sort. Always be with family. Dh is only child. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I talked to my parents for 4 years before they moved. The year before their house was on the market I had really ramped up my game and then some horrible events occurred. Three couples of their good friend took ill quickly (one wife died) and were forced to move near their kids while sick or grieving. It was sad. BUT it spurred my parents to move while they are healthy. They moved into a bigger house and nicer house 2 miles away. They have not made friends here, but they did not really have friends left in thier old town. They are not very social so at least they have us. Mom volunteers at the youth building making pancakes every Sunday and helps me with my volunteer work which she loves. My dad has to an orthopedic about his knee, and I will go with him. I am glad they made the moving willingly; it was hard, really hard to get them to do it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I will be a bit of a contrarian. My parents moved *closer* (not near) and while it has made it possible for me to visit more frequently (like one more time a year), I think the loss of their friends was a major takeaway in their lives. They had been part of a church for 35 years and a bridge group for 55 years...in that 55 years, the bridge group missed ONE monthly bridge party. One. Most of the people are gone now, but that has been fairly recent. My dad departed this life June 22 this year. Now my mom is alone in her apartment. My sister lives with her, but she has a 9-5 job and also has a little bit of a life to live, and my mom is 93 and really has no friends. She talks on the phone with her old friends, but as her deafness increases that is getting harder. The bridge club survivors still get together at least once a month, sometimes more, and my mom doesn't have anything that replaces that. It's nice that she has my sister near, but I'm pretty convinced by my experience with both my parents and my dh's that there is something irreplaceable about shared generational experience. At least for people like my parents who were extremely socially active (much more than I am). I know it is different for everyone--the size of family, the sociability of all parties, longevity in a particular location...all of these make a different equation. For my parents, I think the equation turned into a negative...they should have stayed with their friends. For my dh's parents, it has been essential that they moved to be near family. His mom is a hermit and can't get around much anymore, and so she really has to be around family. Different scenario. Anyway, that's my 2cents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 I will be a bit of a contrarian. My parents moved *closer* (not near) and while it has made it possible for me to visit more frequently (like one more time a year), I think the loss of their friends was a major takeaway in their lives. They had been part of a church for 35 years and a bridge group for 55 years...in that 55 years, the bridge group missed ONE monthly bridge party. One. Most of the people are gone now, but that has been fairly recent. My dad departed this life June 22 this year. Now my mom is alone in her apartment. My sister lives with her, but she has a 9-5 job and also has a little bit of a life to live, and my mom is 93 and really has no friends. She talks on the phone with her old friends, but as her deafness increases that is getting harder. The bridge club survivors still get together at least once a month, sometimes more, and my mom doesn't have anything that replaces that. It's nice that she has my sister near, but I'm pretty convinced by my experience with both my parents and my dh's that there is something irreplaceable about shared generational experience. At least for people like my parents who were extremely socially active (much more than I am). I know it is different for everyone--the size of family, the sociability of all parties, longevity in a particular location...all of these make a different equation. For my parents, I think the equation turned into a negative...they should have stayed with their friends. For my dh's parents, it has been essential that they moved to be near family. His mom is a hermit and can't get around much anymore, and so she really has to be around family. Different scenario. Anyway, that's my 2cents. I tried to like your post but the like button is issuing.....weird. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. So sorry for the loss of your father. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Hugs to you, Scarlett. That sounds horrible stressful for your whole family. What a lot going on :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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