beaners Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I'm having trouble finding a good word. Taunting seems like the best fit. My husband took a few of our kids to visit his family. (For those who remember some previous threads, we have had some incredible nuttiness from his family. This is someone different but equally difficult.) A relative who knows we homeschool and disagrees with that decision gave one of our boys a book all about riding the school bus. Which she knows he doesn't do anymore. She then proceeded to send my husband text messages a week later about how he seemed so excited about the book and that we should reconsider homeschooling him. Our son never owned anything before we adopted him last year, so every possession is incredibly precious to him. He has special needs. It seems so unnecessarily cruel to him to give him this thing, knowing that, and then try to guilt us into sending him back to school to avoid disappointing him. I'm so torn on what to do with that stinking book. It makes him sad because he will see it and ask if he is going to ride the bus even though he knows he won't, but I'm worried that getting rid of it will be more painful for him. Any of my biological children, I would just toss it. Come to think of it, I HAVE tossed similar items this same relative has given to them! If I had been there it never would have made it into his hands, but she handed things out to the kids while my husband was helping with something else. It is his family to deal with. He knows that if she talks to me about it she will get an earful and firm boundaries laid out, but she has only talked to him. She also had all kinds of things to say about how our children are socially crippled and "it doesn't even matter if they're good at academics because autistic kids can memorize stuff but not get a job." Seriously. Word for freaking word. What the.... Where do I even begin with that statement? Then she continued on about how she doesn't think our kids are autistic though. (Uh, we never said they were? And so what if they were?) On the bright side, the craziness in my family looks positively normal in comparison! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Is it possible for you to distract him with a new book? We did read some "back to school" books when my kids were young (like the Miss Bindergarten books) but they were able to appreciate them without wanting to copy what was in the books. I might "mislay" the book for a while and see if he can be transitioned to some new books or possessions. Then I would stop giving your dh's family any access to your kids. Boundaries crossed = no exposure. 28 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Then I would stop giving your dh's family any access to your kids. Boundaries crossed = no exposure. This 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebcoola Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Can you just take him for a ride on the city bus if he wants to go? 33 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Yep, she should now be banned from the kids. Any gifts must go through you first! NOTHING is to go directly to the children. Acceptable items may disappear or be returned. I would wait a small bit on that book and make it disappear about the same time that another wonderful book appears ;) Maybe a book with a stuffy ;) 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Happy trip to Barnes and Nobel for a new book. The relative I'd be distancing my kids from asap. Words like those create wounds that last for years. Your kids deserve better. I don't care if it is DH's mom, that person wouldn't be seeing my kids again. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Anyone who did anything that cruel to my child would be cut off. The end. Could you take him on a short Greyhound trip just to give him the experience? 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I'd shut down any access she has to the kids. I wouldn't make a big deal about the book and would help him to find some new favorites. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I would ask him if you can swap it. Since possessions are so dear to him, it seems cruel to disappear the book. I'm not sure what the right thing to say would be since he has special needs and may need a more tailored answer, but if it was my kids, I'd just say, hey, relative wants you to go to school so she gave you that, but since that's not happening right now, I thought we should pass the book on so it doesn't make you sad and confused thinking about school and instead have this other book or go pick out a book. Maybe you can replace it with one about something he'll have a chance to do more of because of homeschooling like being in nature or doing art or pursuing something he's into. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Shut it down. No more access to the kids, period, end of sentence. I would try to "distract" him from the book with another book or small item, or a fun experience, something. Ugh. I am disgusted on your behalf. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. B Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Can you buy him a new book to get all excited about? Can you then put the school bus one out of the way and eventually toss it? I'm not sure how old the child is, but The Wheels in the Bus book is fun and I think about a city bus. Taking a fieldtrip on a city bus during a beautiful school day sounds like a great plan. A trip to an ice cream store or similiar place during the trip would be icing on the cake. Be sure to throw in how happy you are to have this fun day when most kids are stuck in the school walls. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Oh, yes, let's all make our school choices based on how much the child likes a book about the transportation. :/ Blah. I agree with PPs: no more contact with that relative, see if he'll accept a trade for a better book, and take a different bus ride if one is available near you. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pegs Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Would he be more likely to accept a trade for a small toy bus, than for another book? Or lose the book and get a consolation bus? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I'd get him several books about different types of transportation. He can collect them. And heck no this person wouldn't come near my child. He's going to hear her and understand the cruelty directly soon. Why would DH put up with someone being horrid to him about his kid or parenting choices? 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Earlier today I googled "fiction books with homeschooled characters" and came up with quite a few-- trade him the icky public school book for one that fits his awesome homeschooled life! 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Take him on a (city, Greyhound, etc.) bus ride. Talk to him about how there are different types of schools. Maybe find a kid book about homeschooling to "balance things out". 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 For books, go to Amazon and type "I homeschool". A bunch come up. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Then I would stop giving your dh's family any access to your kids. Boundaries crossed = no exposure. Agree 100%. 200%. This person's behavior is not a surprise to you or your husband. Your priority and loyalty needs to be in protecting your children from this person. You can't expect them to act rationally, because their actions consistently show they are incapable. What a sick person to "gift" a book to a recently adopted child, to deliberately undermine your parental decisions. Despicable. Disgusting. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this, but once you do, your children will be protected. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Earlier today I googled "fiction books with homeschooled characters" and came up with quite a few-- trade him the icky public school book for one that fits his awesome homeschooled life! You'll want to use some discretion, though - a lot of those are about homeschooled kids starting school and not fitting in, or being oversheltered and wanting to start school. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Yeah, I wouldn't see this as a homeschooling issue so much as a seriously harming a child issue. I'd engage in the bus riding conversation as often as my child wanted, explain why we don't need to and try to get him a bus ride some otherway if it continued to be necessary. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I agree-ride a city bus somewhere fun :). and if you can, take a train trip, a boat trip, maybe even a trolley car-and get lots of cute books about transportation. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Her behavior = a choice on her part to not have a relationship with your family. Not with DH, not with you, not with the kids. Full.stop. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I really feel for you. A relative gave dd a Book of Mormon and told her "It's the next part of the Bible!" My dd was so confused, she was only nine. I threw it away when she was gone for the day and we never spoke of it again. But I remember how violated I felt. I like the idea of "switching out" the book for one he could really use. It might help teach him to pass on possessions in a sharing manner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Her behavior = a choice on her part to not have a relationship with your family. Not with DH, not with you, not with the kids. Full.stop. nice and succinct. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I would tell him he probably will go on a school bus someday. School buses are used in many different contexts. We just rode in one last weekend when a nonprofit transported us to our volunteering site. There might be community or church field trips or summer camps that involve "school" buses. You could even stretch it to include city buses, tour buses, Disney buses, parking shuttles.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abba12 Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I'm speechless.... I'd get him several books about different types of transportation. He can collect them. LOVE this idea. What a sick person to "gift" a book to a recently adopted child, to deliberately undermine your parental decisions. Despicable. Disgusting. THIS, THIS x 1,000,000! I can't even....speechless. Generally I don't advocate for cutting off contact, because I know what it's like to be in that hard family situation you just don't want to cut off completely. But at the very least, this person would never be unsupervised with my children, especially the adopted child, again. My children are not allowed unsupervised contact with certain family members, and it's hard but in the situation you've described it's got to be better than the absolute cruelty of this person. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I love how this thread is turning this mean, horrible act into an awesome transportation unit for *homeschooling*! Take *that* mean person!! Don't mess with homeschooling mamas!! 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Protect your child from this awful person. Shared DNA does not equal diplomatic immunity. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I talk to the trees Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 How about making a field trip to the city bus depot? Learn all about how busses work, and talk about the different types of public transportation. And when you take that ride on the city bus, make sure to chat with the driver! Make it a "learn about this job" day. And the next time the nasty relative asks about the book, have your dh tell them about the wonderful time your ds had learning about busses. Don't let her have the pleasure of thinking she ruffled your feathers. *sigh* And now I will have the "People in your Neighborhood" song going through my head all day. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Ignore the relatives texts, suggestions, and pleas for school. Just....dead silence. Let your son keep the book and periodically take a ride on the local city bus to some destination. When my DS was younger, he was fascinated with planes, trains, automobiles, buses, ferries, you name it. So some days when we had errands to run, we'd ride the public transportation - we'd take the bus to downtown and then hop the ferry to cross the river to the children's museum. So put the boy on the city bus and take a tour somewhere. There. Now he rode the dang bus. And he gets to keep his book. I'm having trouble finding a good word. Taunting seems like the best fit.My husband took a few of our kids to visit his family. (For those who remember some previous threads, we have had some incredible nuttiness from his family. This is someone different but equally difficult.) A relative who knows we homeschool and disagrees with that decision gave one of our boys a book all about riding the school bus. Which she knows he doesn't do anymore. She then proceeded to send my husband text messages a week later about how he seemed so excited about the book and that we should reconsider homeschooling him. Our son never owned anything before we adopted him last year, so every possession is incredibly precious to him. He has special needs. It seems so unnecessarily cruel to him to give him this thing, knowing that, and then try to guilt us into sending him back to school to avoid disappointing him.I'm so torn on what to do with that stinking book. It makes him sad because he will see it and ask if he is going to ride the bus even though he knows he won't, but I'm worried that getting rid of it will be more painful for him. Any of my biological children, I would just toss it. Come to think of it, I HAVE tossed similar items this same relative has given to them! If I had been there it never would have made it into his hands, but she handed things out to the kids while my husband was helping with something else.It is his family to deal with. He knows that if she talks to me about it she will get an earful and firm boundaries laid out, but she has only talked to him. She also had all kinds of things to say about how our children are socially crippled and "it doesn't even matter if they're good at academics because autistic kids can memorize stuff but not get a job." Seriously. Word for freaking word. What the.... Where do I even begin with that statement? Then she continued on about how she doesn't think our kids are autistic though. (Uh, we never said they were? And so what if they were?)On the bright side, the craziness in my family looks positively normal in comparison! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Why does your dh allow this woman to speak that way about your children??? She is clearly an idiot, but your dh is at fault for not shutting her down immediately when she says and does such inappropriate things. Tell him that if he won't stand up for his children, you will. And do it. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathnerd Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 If that book is so precious to your little boy, how about giving him a few more books on various other transportation vehicles so that he has more things to think about and not dwell on the school bus book? My DS had many books about cars, trucks etc that even had sound effects and lights inside them. And please take him on a fun ride to your nearest city in a bus, I am sure that you both will enjoy the trip. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Wow!! No words here. Can't avoid the "get back" feeling? Treat him to ice cream (or favorite dessert), and yes, new books. If it's OK with your son explain to him that unfortunately she wasn't very nice and have him write a thank you note, kindly saying he has no use for such book but thanks anyway, and mail it back to her?? Ugh! Sorry, probably not a good idea...I am just shocked with her behavior, that is so wrong :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beaners Posted November 6, 2015 Author Share Posted November 6, 2015 UPDATE: I ended up removing the book. A shipment of books that I had ordered came in, so I told him I was going to trade him for an extra book. I said that the person who gave it to him made a mistake and didn't know that he doesn't ride the bus anymore. AND, the specialness of riding a bus will soon wear off, because we just bought a minibus for our family vehicle. :) So that takes care of that. This wasn't a family member we see regularly in person, but in the past she has sent occasional packages. I won't tell my husband what members of his family he is or isn't allowed to talk to. I don't think that's an appropriate thing for one spouse to decide for the other. I have told him that he doesn't deserve to be treated like that and that she won't be interacting with our children anymore. She reinforced that again while talking to my husband a couple weeks ago when she referred to one of our children, due to his severe special needs, as an unnecessary burden. He corrected her on that and they haven't spoken lately. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krsmom Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 "an unnecessary burden" :cursing: :crying: Um, yeah lady, that is EXACTLY what you are. Bye. Bye. Sorry you have to endure that! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Can you just take him for a ride on the city bus if he wants to go? This. It totally cured my kids of "bus envy". ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 UPDATE: I ended up removing the book. A shipment of books that I had ordered came in, so I told him I was going to trade him for an extra book. I said that the person who gave it to him made a mistake and didn't know that he doesn't ride the bus anymore. AND, the specialness of riding a bus will soon wear off, because we just bought a minibus for our family vehicle. :) So that takes care of that. This wasn't a family member we see regularly in person, but in the past she has sent occasional packages. I won't tell my husband what members of his family he is or isn't allowed to talk to. I don't think that's an appropriate thing for one spouse to decide for the other. I have told him that he doesn't deserve to be treated like that and that she won't be interacting with our children anymore. She reinforced that again while talking to my husband a couple weeks ago when she referred to one of our children, due to his severe special needs, as an unnecessary burden. He corrected her on that and they haven't spoken lately. Wow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChocolateReignRemix Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 I'd get him several books about different types of transportation. He can collect them. Best solution. It doesn't remove a treasured possession but does allow you to remove some of the focus from it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 She called your child an unnecessary burden? Huh. I would be thinking that perhaps she has something like Aspergers or something or other. I mean, what adult who has any clue about social interactions says things like that? I'd think she doesn't know how to behave in society because there's a problem with her. Whatever her problem--she enjoys being offensive or she has a social disorder and doesn't know she's being offensive--she needs to be kept away from the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abba12 Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 unnecessary means you're able to dispose of it. How does one dispose of a child? It's a necessary 'burden' because there's no other choice but to get through it (not that I am saying the child is a burden, just focusing on the strange use of the word unnecessary to refer to a child, who you have a responsibility to no matter how much of a 'burden' they supposedly are.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Unnecessary burden?!?! :cursing: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Glad to hear the book problem is taken care of! Sad to hear she referred to one of your kids like that :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsmith Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 My aspie would never in a million years say such a thing. She sounds manipulative, devious, and perhaps likes to shock and outrage people. She called your child an unnecessary burden? Huh. I would be thinking that perhaps she has something like Aspergers or something or other. I mean, what adult who has any clue about social interactions says things like that? I'd think she doesn't know how to behave in society because there's a problem with her. Whatever her problem--she enjoys being offensive or she has a social disorder and doesn't know she's being offensive--she needs to be kept away from the kids. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Can you just take him for a ride on the city bus if he wants to go? This was the first thought I had. The bus does not have to be yellow. :) Blessings to you for adopting! Don't let a nutter take all your joy. The book could eventually be "lost" or mislaid or replaced by other books that include other cool modes of transportation such as trains and planes. :) :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 You said you don't tell dh how to interact with family. I would tell dh the none of the dc could be around this person. The way she treats one dc affects the whole family. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beaners Posted November 6, 2015 Author Share Posted November 6, 2015 unnecessary means you're able to dispose of it. How does one dispose of a child? It's a necessary 'burden' because there's no other choice but to get through it (not that I am saying the child is a burden, just focusing on the strange use of the word unnecessary to refer to a child, who you have a responsibility to no matter how much of a 'burden' they supposedly are.) She thinks we shouldn't have adopted him and that we made our lives harder for no reason by adding him to our family. Actually, he is the most amazing kid and I can't put into words how much we love him and how much joy he brings us. You said you don't tell dh how to interact with family. I would tell dh the none of the dc could be around this person. The way she treats one dc affects the whole family. I won't tell my husband who he is and isn't allowed to talk to. But I have said that she will not be interacting with the children anymore. We only see her very rarely, so there is no need for a big formal statement to her. Kids are off limits though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 I'm kinda glad she made the "unnecessary burden" statement. It doesn't get much clearer than that. That's black and white. Wow. I hope you never have to deal with her again. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Actually, he is the most amazing kid and I can't put into words how much we love him and how much joy he brings us. I believe you. Unfortunately some people have no hope of ever understanding that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 I think she's the unnecessary burden. Bye, bye, bye. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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