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MommaOfalotta
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So another mom needs my help with watching her kids one day a week. They cannot afford to pay someone so her offer is to watch mine one day a week in exchange.. (We are neighbors). I watched her kids last week and they were great. We didn't have any problems and they all entertained each other. I literally didn't have to do anything but make lunch.

 

Well we are going to be starting school the 8th and our homeschool group starts soon after. I had our school days all planned out for the year and now I'm freaking out. Between the swapping babysitting and co-op we would only have TWO days at home, together, uninterrupted. I can't do that. I brought that up to her and she said she would be sending her kid with school work and I could do the same, and that is the way she and the mom (who used to have this arrangement with her) would do it. My dd doesn't do a lot of worksheets or workbooks so I wouldn't be able to send much with her.

 

Mostly though I'm just getting extremely overwhelmed at my week being that much taken up. I am a huge introvert and am really anxious in social situations. I literally cannot just come flat out and tell her no (I have tried).I just need advice.

 

I've thought about just telling her my kids wont be coming over every Friday because we need that day to do school. Maybe she would take the hint or maybe she wouldn't want me to be watching her kids for free? A friend suggested messaging her and telling her flat out I cannot do it because of school, etc. I almost had a stroke even thinking about it. I don't know why I can't say no but its really stressing me out... like I want to CRY thinking about my plan for the year getting so messed up.

 

Wwyd? I really do not mind her kids at all, they were well behaved. My kids LOVE playing with them and really want this arrangement to happen. She is such a sweet person and I would love to help her out. I just don't want to commit two days of my week to something-and be left with TWO days of school a week. If it was summer? It would be perfect. But I just can't afford this much TIME being gone this school year.

 

Part of me knows if I just bit the bullet and messaged her, it would be over and done-but then I'd feel like the bad guy and worry that it would be awkward when we see each other at co-op. She's mentioned if we can't do it she would ask other moms from our co-op and I'd feel like a jerk if someone else could homeschool and do this with her but I couldn't. I'm her neighbor it would be so convenient for her... but I'm stressing really bad. :(

 

How would you handle it? Anyone with crazy anxiety have experience with this?

 

I'm even paranoid she is a member of the Hive and will see this... AHHHH :svengo:

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You're just going to have to bite the bullet and tell her no.

 

Your primary responsibility is to your own family.

 

She has other options to work with.

 

Message her, send an email, whatever is easiest, but just do it.

 

I'm sorry this is stressful and hard for you but you are wise to realize your personal limits  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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Okay, what if you try it for a week and verify that it's not working for you? Then you'd feel better about telling her it's not working, because you did try it... Or would you then tell yourself you have to try it longer?

 

But why are you feeling like you, personally, have to save this family from the child-care problem, at the expense of your own schedule? She knows it's more work than many people would be able to do--that's why she said she could ask somebody else if you don't want to.

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If your kids weren't going to her place one day, would that be workable?

 

If it would be, would it be possible to exchange something else rather than one day for a day?  Like evening babysitting, house cleaning, or whatever?  Would it be possible for her to take your kids to coop so you have that time for other things?

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I wouldn't do it and you need to tell her face-to-face. Tell her you have looked over your school commitments and the arrangement isn't going to work for you during the school year. End of explanation. Keep repeating the "not going to work for me" if she tries to talk you into it. Don't offer excuses or make compromises. And don't worry if someone else can handle it and you can't. Different people can handle different things. I could not have done that when I had my three at home. It wouldn't have worked for us.

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I was prepared to message her and tell her I had thought about it and decided I couldn't do it, but then she brought it up first and about how it would make it easier on me because I'd have a day to do whatever I wanted, etc. So now I've dug myself in a deeper hole because I agree to try it and see how it goes for a few weeks. I already told her I could watch them until school starts but probably not after, and then she asked me to try it out.

 

But am I crazy for thinking its too much? Or am I just not wanting to get out of my comfort zone?

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There's no shame in knowing your limits. If it were me, I would tell her that it wouldn't work for me, but that I would be happy to watch her kids one day a week every other week with no reciprocation. That way your kids could enjoy the interaction and it wouldn't throw your schedule all out of whack.

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If your kids weren't going to her place one day, would that be workable?

 

If it would be, would it be possible to exchange something else rather than one day for a day?  Like evening babysitting, house cleaning, or whatever?  Would it be possible for her to take your kids to coop so you have that time for other things?

 

I'll be teaching at co-op so I would have to go anyway.. And I would rather my kids be with me in the evening, because that's our family time. Not trying to be difficult :) Thank you for trying to offer suggestions!

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When your gut instinct is trying to kill you with a heart attack, pay attention. You know this isn't right for your family, so call her up now while there's still time for her to make her own other arrangements.

 

:)

 

Need a script?

 

"I thought it over and realized I was wrong about the workability. I'm left with only two days of face-to-face homeschooling with my own kids, which is not how I want to operate. I'm sorry, I got all excited about the options and didn't think it through until now, but I just can't."

 

(answers with solutions)

 

"I know, but I just can't. Again, I'm sorry."

 

(more blah blah blah)
 

"It really is my final answer. Wish I could have done it. I have to go now; will talk to you soon."

 

CLICK

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Between the swapping babysitting and co-op we would only have TWO days at home, together, uninterrupted. I can't do that. I brought that up to her and she said she would be sending her kid with school work and I could do the same, and that is the way she and the mom (who used to have this arrangement with her) would do it

 

Maybe she would take the hint

 

Based on her response about sending her kids with school work, it doesn't sound like she would take a hint very well.

 

She's mentioned if we can't do it she would ask other moms from our co-op and I'd feel like a jerk if someone else could homeschool and do this with her but I couldn't. I'm her neighbor it would be so convenient for her... but I'm stressing really bad. :(

 

I would tell her and not worry. It sounds like she does have some back-up people to ask but decided to try the person who lives the closest to her first. 

 

No need to feel like a jerk. Your responsibility is to your dc. Another homeschooling parent should understand that. Just let her know that you (and your dc) do enjoy having her kids over but that it will work better if you keep homeschooling separate and let them play together during non-school hours. 

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If your kids weren't going to her place one day, would that be workable?

 

If it would be, would it be possible to exchange something else rather than one day for a day?  Like evening babysitting, house cleaning, or whatever?  Would it be possible for her to take your kids to coop so you have that time for other things?

 

This is what I was going to suggest, assuming you really can't or don't want to back out completely.

 

As I see it, you have 3 options here. You can choose to have them over "for free," in exchange for nothing, assuming her kids have enough of their own school work to keep them busy while your kids have school with you. Or you can negotiate something in exchange that you actually want--for her to take your kids to co-op, or to take them in the evening or on the weekend, or to clean your house, or to give you free vegetables from her garden, or whatever she can offer that is an acceptable trade to you. Or you can bite the bullet and explain to her that it isn't going to work out.

 

If you choose the third option, I would not feel badly about it and I would not allow her to guilt you into changing your mind. Although you *can* explain why it won't work if you choose--and you may want to, because it feels less rude for those of us who hate to say no--I would not discuss it past the first explanation. She's shown that she'll try to talk you around to doing what she wants, so if you do choose not to do this and if you do choose to explain why, I'd explain once, and then whenever it's mentioned again, just say (gently at first, if you prefer, and more firmly the more times you have to say it): "I'm sorry, but it's not going to work out. I'd rather not discuss it further." If you choose not to explain, just use that sentence from the beginning (instead of the explanation).

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Thank you all for the replies... as for saying it in person or on the phone... I can't :( I tried today and ended up making it worse by agreeing to try it out this school year.

 

SEVERE. SOCIAL. ANXIETY. I tell you :lol:  It's ridiculous.

 

Me: I was just worried because we would only have two days a week to school.

 

Her: Oh well I send work with ds, and you could send work with dd.

 

Me: Oh yes, that would work, wouldn't it? Great. Yeah I'll try it out.

 

:svengo:  :svengo: :svengo:  

 

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"I thought it over and realized I was wrong about the workability. I'm left with only two days of face-to-face homeschooling with my own kids, which is not how I want to operate. I'm sorry, I got all excited about the options and didn't think it through until now, but I just can't."

 

(answers with solutions)

 

"I know, but I just can't. Again, I'm sorry."

 

(more blah blah blah)

 

"It really is my final answer. Wish I could have done it. I have to go now; will talk to you soon."

 

CLICK

 

Beautifully done. 

 

I would use this script and say no. There is no way I could have that much disruption to our homeschool week. None.

 

This would be best done in person or on the phone, but if you know that in person would guarantee that you would cave in, do it by email or text. 

 

You really need to stand up for your family here. I'm sorry it is difficult for you, but protect the integrity of your homeschool. It is important.

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I know what it's like to have a hard time saying no.  I wish I remembered how I changed that.  I remember that I was like that, and I'm SO completely not like that anymore, but have no recollection of how that happened.

 

Putting myself into my old persona for a moment, how this would have progressed then would have been I would have made hints, they would have been ignored, I would have gotten resentful, it would have been bad.

 

It's nice that these are nice kids and easy for your kids to be around.  If you really can't say no to your neighbor, I think I would send project type work along with your kids--a book basket with science and history topics, some short papers to write, grammar, editing, two math lessons instead of one that way, that kind of thing.  Then I'd think about unit study type stuff that her kids could participate in when they are at your home, in addition to the skills stuff--science labs and write ups, that kind of thing.  The 'homework' that she sends along would be their job to do while you're focussing on individual skill stuff with your kids, like math lessons for instance.  I'd also try to plan field trips that you would have done anyway for the days when the extra kids are around.  Visiting a science or natural history museum or site is something that works well in a group.  Also, take advantage of curricula that work BETTER with a group, like Junior Great Books, or start a literature discussion group for that day.  

If you really can't say no, and it sounds like you should, at least get ahead of the curve by turning this into something educational.

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I would just say no to the whole arrangement, as "workable for summer, but not while schooling, sorry" -- Then offer to sit for her kids "for free" once every 2 weeks (2 days/month) without sending your kids over at all.

 

That solves half her problem while only "costing" you two monthly days of trying to school with company... Instead of costing you 4 monthly days of schooling with company, and 4 monthly days of no schooling at all.

 

She should have an easier time finding a 2nd source of childcare for only every-second-week.

 

If she says about 'doing whatever you need/want to do' -- tell her: of course, but what you need/want to do is *school your kids* so, obviously, having them out of the house isn't going to help you accomplish that.

 

Keep on with, "I'm sorry, but this is the best I can do for you. I really mean it." -- type statements.

 

Doing the right thing for your own kids *is* being a good person, even if you don't feel like a good person while saying no to the needs of others. Those people-pleading feelings are wrong. The logic is right. Of course you can't provide a solid education on 2/d per week for a whole school year. That's a simple yes-or-no question: "Do I believe I can educate well within that time limit?"

 

And you've already answered it -- so listen to that answer. If you *can't* do something that's impossible for you, than you *have to* do the thing that is uncomfortable for you.

 

(Uncomfortable) < (Impossible)

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Thank you all for the replies... as for saying it in person or on the phone... I can't :( I tried today and ended up making it worse by agreeing to try it out this school year.

 

SEVERE. SOCIAL. ANXIETY. I tell you :lol:  It's ridiculous.

 

Me: I was just worried because we would only have two days a week to school.

 

Her: Oh well I send work with ds, and you could send work with dd.

 

Me: Oh yes, that would work, wouldn't it? Great. Yeah I'll try it out.

 

:svengo:  :svengo: :svengo:  

 

You say "I thought it would work out when we spoke last, but I've been thinking about it, and I've realized that it will be too much.  I'm so sorry."  And then stop talking and don't let her talk you into anything!

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Honestly, as an introvert myself, this would be an ideal situation for me.  A standing arrangement for nice, well-behaved kids to be delivered to my house for my kids to play with once a week.  Heaven.

 

I would plan to do a normal, maybe slightly light, school day when her kids are at your house.  Then, in order to recoup a bit of time, I would probably tell the neighbor that on her day to watch the kids you would be bringing the 2 year old over in the morning, but then doing school with the 8 year old for a couple hours before dropping her off.  I'm betting you could accomplish a lot in some uninterrupted, one-on-one time.  Then you could spend the late morning and afternoon taking care of errands and house work without any kids "helping".

 

Wendy

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Ive started typing the message.. AHHHH I'm going to avoid facebook the rest of the night after I hit send.

 

Should I offer to do it every other week? That sounds better than flat out no, and ATM every other week doesn't sound bad at all.. although this time tomorrow I'll probably be regretting opening my mouth and committing to something again.

 

What would YOU do?

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Ive started typing the message.. AHHHH I'm going to avoid facebook the rest of the night after I hit send.

 

Should I offer to do it every other week? That sounds better than flat out no, and ATM every other week doesn't sound bad at all.. although this time tomorrow I'll probably be regretting opening my mouth and committing to something again.

 

What would YOU do?

If you want to help her out, then offer to help every other week. If you don't, just tell her you no longer can do this arrangement. You don't need to explain why. Your neighbor will be ok, I promise.

 

I have some social anxiety too. When I have to do something difficult I think about the worst possible thing that could happen, and then realize that either it isn't that bad, or that won't happen. So, she might get upset but if yoUr kids are friends, she won't be upset for long.

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These situations have come up on the boards forever. Rarely does it work well.  People home school for different reasons. For most of us being away or having another child around or not having our flexibility interferes with why we homeschool in the first place. Do not make these arrangements unless you are going to be happy about them. I always thought I'd take care of someones else's kids if they in turn cleaned my house. haha 

 

Life has two choices:

 

Nancy Reagan: Just Say No

 

Nike: Just Do It

 

You have to pick one.  

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Ive started typing the message.. AHHHH I'm going to avoid facebook the rest of the night after I hit send.

 

Should I offer to do it every other week? That sounds better than flat out no, and ATM every other week doesn't sound bad at all.. although this time tomorrow I'll probably be regretting opening my mouth and committing to something again.

 

What would YOU do?

 

I like Wendy's idea about dropping the two year old off and then having a few uninterrupted hours with your older child and planning for a lighter school day when the kids are at your house. 

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Honestly, as an introvert myself, this would be an ideal situation for me.  A standing arrangement for nice, well-behaved kids to be delivered to my house for my kids to play with once a week.  Heaven.

 

I would plan to do a normal, maybe slightly light, school day when her kids are at your house.  Then, in order to recoup a bit of time, I would probably tell the neighbor that on her day to watch the kids you would be bringing the 2 year old over in the morning, but then doing school with the 8 year old for a couple hours before dropping her off.  I'm betting you could accomplish a lot in some uninterrupted, one-on-one time.  Then you could spend the late morning and afternoon taking care of errands and house work without any kids "helping".

 

Wendy

 

I think this is brilliant!

 

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You say "I thought it would work out when we spoke last, but I've been thinking about it, and I've realized that it will be too much. I'm so sorry." And then stop talking and don't let her talk you into anything!

I don't mind dropping my dh's name in these situations. "Dh and I talked about this, and it's really not going to work based on what we have going on and want to accomplish this year."

 

Kind, but firm. You can do it!

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I don't mind dropping my dh's name in these situations. "Dh and I talked about this, and it's really not going to work based on what we have going on and want to accomplish this year."

 

Kind, but firm. You can do it!

 

I've thought about that! When dh thought he was going back to school I told her I couldn't do it because it would be too crazy and she said she totally understood.. and then the next week she told me how it would be easier on us because we would have a day without the kids. :(

 

 

I think I hesitated too long in sending the message and now I'm wrestling with myself. Would it really affect our school so much to have two kids here one day a week? I know it would mentally make me crazy, I'm a worrier and an anxious person (if you can't tell, hah) but would it really be too hard?

 

I talked with dh about it and he says if you don't want to do it then don't do it. If you do then do it. Simple and genius advice, lol but I'm such an overthinker and I feel so bad. "Mr. Bennet... you have no compassion for my poor nerves!"

 

I'm sorry to spew so much of my inner turmoil on here :p but unfortunately this is how my mind works. If you think I'm crazy on here you should be my husband or kids.. they are having to deal with me literally losing my mind.

 

It's really not that complicated and I know it, but telling myself that isn't making it any easier. I'm not this crazy on a day to day basis... only when facing an uncomfortable social situation.

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Okay, I've calmed down some and thought up some pros and cons. After this I will quit posting rapid fire :p

Just sort of "thinking out loud" Sorry!

 

Pros

-I would be helping out a very kind family

-The kids would get to play with other kids

-I would get a day to myself

 

Cons

-We would lose 2 days a week for school

-It would be a longstanding commitment and possibly complicate other plans down the road (field trips, illness, etc)

-It would mentally stress me out

 

 

Oh, and wanted to add I couldn't send ds3 over alone.. I would be lucky if he would go WITH his sister, but he definitely wouldn't go alone.

 

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I think the cons outweigh the pros. Watching neighbor kids during our homeschool days is one regret I have. It turned into having the kids more than we initially talked about. Even though the kids get along well with your kids, it still is taking time away from your first priority - educating your DC.

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If it were me asking, no matter how uncomfortable it made my friend, if they thought it wouldn't work at all, I would want them to tell me that right away. She's already told you she has other people she can ask. By you agreeing, you are taking away the option of asking those other people she can ask. Maybe the other people that it wouldn't interrupt their day. Maybe the other person who is REALLY wanting just one day to herself to get something done.

 

If you think of it like that, the best thing to do is tell her as soon as possible it's not going to work so she can find someone it will work with. The worst thing would be to wait until after school starts, and her other options have already signed up for gymnastics class that meets at the same time she needed them, you know?

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You are supposed to be "a teacher" (in some ways, though of course not exactly) letting your desire to be kind and helpful to your neighbours make you cut your instructional time in half is a completely unreasonable choice. Who would approve of any other kind of "teacher" actually weighing these options?

 

Imaginary teacher says to 'you' as a parent: "Thanks for sending your kids to my school/class/course/workshop. I'm actually just a really nice person, and my neighbour asked for me to spend half of my teaching time helping her out instead of teaching your kids. She's a kind person, so I'm thinking hard about doing that. Yes. All year. Your kids will be fine with half as much instruction as you originally thought I would provide right? It won't make much difference to their year will it?"

 

Your answer: "Ummm. Yeah. It makes a difference. If I thought they only needed 2 days of school per week, I would have planned that in the first place. I signed up for 4 days because I think they need 4 days. A 4 day education and a 2 day education are not the same thing, and of course they don't yield the same results."

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If my oldest were 8 and very in favor of it, and the kids are that I would be quite tempted to simply have her kids over for the one day, with no reciprocity during the school week. Surely you would welcome the occasional free babysitting for weekends or date night! 

 

At 8, we easily completed seatwork in an hour or two, and any projects and read alouds could simply include her kids. If needed, I would simply separate them for whatever time is needed for teaching lessons and completing seatwork. 

 

I will say that there were very few kids I would ever want at my house every week, lol. But if you like these kids, and it provides positive social time for your own, I would strongly consider it. 

 

However, that's up to you. If it's going to stress you out, then don't do it. Just give her a time frame - I've thought about it, and I can do it for 4 more weeks, whatever. I also grant permission to do it via email or text message. Face-to-face is not preferable if you can't get your message across. 

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Okay, I've calmed down some and thought up some pros and cons. After this I will quit posting rapid fire :p

Just sort of "thinking out loud" Sorry!

 

Pros

-I would be helping out a very kind family

-The kids would get to play with other kids

-I would get a day to myself

 

Cons

-We would lose 2 days a week for school

-It would be a longstanding commitment and possibly complicate other plans down the road (field trips, illness, etc)

-It would mentally stress me out

 

 

Oh, and wanted to add I couldn't send ds3 over alone.. I would be lucky if he would go WITH his sister, but he definitely wouldn't go alone.

 

For me the mental stress outweighs those other factors.

 

I had a similar situation where my next-door neighbor wanted me to watch her kid because "you're just right there." When I mentioned to dh that she'd asked he immediately said, "You said no, right?" Yeah, I said no.

 

Just say no, Mrs Hound! :D

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at some point you made this arrangement.  It worked.  But now you want to say no or change.  That is ok!  Since she needs your help, try to negotiate the arrangement.  Explain that you need to do school.  Your kids can't do a day at her place.  However, you would like to use her as a babysitter for when you need to get out.  Even offer to pick dates 2-3 months out, so she can also plan her time.   Your other option is to beg off, but say you can watch her kid for 4 weeks.  After that you need to stop due to school.  Give her some options, and see what she comes back with. 

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I sent the message. :scared:  :scared:

 

 

And I have to see her tomorrow. Which will be excruciating for me... but hopefully she gets the message first or I will have to tell her face to face and then I will literally die. Lol.

 

Thank you to everyone! It seriously helps SO much to have my concerns validated my other HS moms. Thank you all. Now I will be hangin out here a lot more since I will be avoiding facebook. :tongue_smilie:

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It was kind of you to let her know so that she can make other arrangements. I get anxious about similar things and did watch a kid (no exchange) for a friend who lost free family childcare (should have been a heads up for me). In the end I felt taken advantage of and wished I had said no. The kid was great, but the extra expense of food, outings, time etc ended up stressing me out. Your mom friend can now ask around and make other arrangements. In your heart you can still decide to be a last possibility if she can't find anyone else- but don't let her know that.

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I was the working parent who home schooled.

 

I needed part time day care often and usually asked neighbors or close friends to watch them.  I never expected every person I asked to say yes.  It was nice when they didn't but never expected it and it was NEVER awkward when I saw them at another time.  If I didn't ask, I didn't know what the answer was! Do not hesitate to say no.... I mean that literally.  Do Not hesitate, as in tell her ASAP so she can make other plans.  

 

If you have already told her you would do it, then give her a 2 week notice so she can make other arrangements.  

 

Do not feel bad and don't second guess yourself.  She will likely have a second of being sad that it didn't work out, and then she will just move on.  She already has a mental list of her other options, but let her know so she can start making phone calls now. It won't be a big deal unless you turn it into one.  Give her as much time as you can and just say 'sorry, I can't do it".  Don't waver, Don't say 'if you can't make other arrangements...'.  Be crystal clear!  It makes things easier for everyone.

 

 

ETA: I didn't see that you had already sent the text.  Good job. Now just hold strong!

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I'm glad you sent the message.

 

I have had a few times to do uncomfortable things like that and I've always drawn strength from knowing my kids depend on me to do what's best for them so I just have to suck it up and do it. Doesn't make it any more fun, though.

 

:grouphug:

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If your kids weren't going to her place one day, would that be workable?

 

If it would be, would it be possible to exchange something else rather than one day for a day? Like evening babysitting, house cleaning, or whatever? Would it be possible for her to take your kids to coop so you have that time for other things?

This is a good idea. Your trade doesn't necessarily have to be for in-kind trade.

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I totally feel for you. I am constantly letting myself get roped into things I don't really want to do. I have one good friend who always either says "no" or "I'll have to think about it" when you ask her something. Then, sometimes she comes back and changes her no to yes. But, she never ever says yes right off the bat. I just always get stuck not being able to think of an excuse so I say yes. Even when I don't need an excuse! I just need to say no!

 

I do think losing 3 days a week of schooling is too much. I also think someone wanting one day of free childcare every week is unreasonable. I'm curious as to why the childcare is needed. Working part-time? Or just needing a break?

 

One of the worst things I ever did was agree to watch someone's child before school. I had a two year old and a 2 month old. The two month old didn't sleep and I had to get up every single morning while it was still dark outside and be ready for the school kid. Then, I had to load everyone in the car. She was also the most super sweet quiet child in the beginning, and it rapidly went downhill. She hated school and would hide from me and I would have to search the house to find her and drag her to the car. And, forget about unplanned family vacations during the school year. I was stuck. And, they paid me! They paid me and it still wasn't worth it!!!

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This is one of the reasons I looked on homeschooling with a job mentality. If you had an outside job, an extra day a week off might be nice but it only puts you behind schedule. If you had an outside job, you couldn't just provide child care while working. 

 

I'm very introverted and I get out of sync pretty easily. Doing extra things while homeschooling (even laundry on some days) took the focus off the academics. One day a week was my limit on "off-schedule" type of days. 

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This is one of the reasons I looked on homeschooling with a job mentality. If you had an outside job, an extra day a week off might be nice but it only puts you behind schedule. If you had an outside job, you couldn't just provide child care while working. 

 

I'm very introverted and I get out of sync pretty easily. Doing extra things while homeschooling (even laundry on some days) took the focus off the academics. One day a week was my limit on "off-schedule" type of days. 

 

I was just thinking of homeschooling with a job mentality earlier today. It really makes sense that way.

 

I get out of sync easily too! You're whole post is dead on with me :)

 

UPDATE: I checked my fb, she has read the message but not responded.

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I was just thinking of homeschooling with a job mentality earlier today. It really makes sense that way.

 

I get out of sync easily too! You're whole post is dead on with me :)

 

UPDATE: I checked my fb, she has read the message but not responded.

 

Just wanted to chime in that you're not the only one who would be super stressed over that situation. I'd almost consider moving just to not have to face her, lol!!!

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