Advice please

[LTBernard]

So typically on here I post mostly about my DS.  This time I am going to change things up a bit.  My DD(4.5) is at the point of pushing me over the edge!  She is typically my "easier" child, but has always had certain things that she would freak out about.  As a baby people often said of her, "what a happy baby."  To which I responded with "But when she isn't watch out!"  This has not changed, except her time being happy has gone down and her time where she is losing it has gone up.  The things she loses it about don't even make sense to the innocent bystander.  For example, she and my DS went to stay the week with my parents.  While there they were attending VBS at my parents' church.  One night while there she spilled her drink and had a full meltdown about it.  My mom knows that is just how she is, but said they people helping clean up the mess probably think we beat her for messes or something.  The ladies kept telling her it was okay and she continued to cry inconsolibly. 
Another example, my DS will get annoyed with her not playing the way he wants her to play and so will say, "I am never going to play with you again."  She will lose it!  I mean he uses this as a way to get his way with her all the time and she still loses it every time. 
A third example, she can not seem to understand how to keep her room not a disaster.  I ask them to straighten up their rooms each morning so that the rooms are never so terrible that they should take forever to clean up.  Today she only had a few things to pick up off her floor and could have honestly been done in less than 5 minutes even moving slowly (she only ever moves slowly).  She however, just kept crying and saying it was too much of a mess and she couldn't clean it up. 

I feel like everything with her is a battle if it isn't her idea.  If she had her way she would just play pokemon (roleplay that she is either a pokemon or a pokemon trainer) all day. 
I don't know if she is just being a brat or if there is some legit reason for the freak outs.  Thoughts?

[abba12]

So typically on here I post mostly about my DS.  This time I am going to change things up a bit.  My DD(4.5) is at the point of pushing me over the edge!  She is typically my "easier" child, but has always had certain things that she would freak out about.  As a baby people often said of her, "what a happy baby."  To which I responded with "But when she isn't watch out!"  This has not changed, except her time being happy has gone down and her time where she is losing it has gone up.  The things she loses it about don't even make sense to the innocent bystander.  For example, she and my DS went to stay the week with my parents.  While there they were attending VBS at my parents' church.  One night while there she spilled her drink and had a full meltdown about it.  My mom knows that is just how she is, but said they people helping clean up the mess probably think we beat her for messes or something.  The ladies kept telling her it was okay and she continued to cry inconsolibly. 

Another example, my DS will get annoyed with her not playing the way he wants her to play and so will say, "I am never going to play with you again."  She will lose it!  I mean he uses this as a way to get his way with her all the time and she still loses it every time. 

A third example, she can not seem to understand how to keep her room not a disaster.  I ask them to straighten up their rooms each morning so that the rooms are never so terrible that they should take forever to clean up.  Today she only had a few things to pick up off her floor and could have honestly been done in less than 5 minutes even moving slowly (she only ever moves slowly).  She however, just kept crying and saying it was too much of a mess and she couldn't clean it up. 

I feel like everything with her is a battle if it isn't her idea.  If she had her way she would just play pokemon (roleplay that she is either a pokemon or a pokemon trainer) all day. 

I don't know if she is just being a brat or if there is some legit reason for the freak outs.  Thoughts?

 

Watching. It sounds like you just described my eldest, and my second is headed the same way. So, I have no answers for you, other than trying to make them think that things are their idea. Like, they love making surprises here, so I will suggest they could clean the lounge room as a surprise for daddy when he comes home. It gets done really quickly then because they chose it (and this is what has let me know its a motivational issue, not a processing/ability issue, because they CAN do it when they choose to)

 

As for the meltdowns when things upset her.... again, I have no advice, only sympathy. I was a massive 'crybaby' as a child, much the same way. However, the actions that forced me to 'grow out of' that stage are not actions I would advocate to anyone, so I am again left with nothing for you except interest in what the others have to say. 

[rwilk]

My DD sounds very similar to yours. We actually took her for a pediatrician visit because we were so stumped by her behavior. She's typically a good kid, but she has triggers that seem to cause crazy sobbing.  The doc recommended a child psych for an eval.  We did, and he diagnosed her with anxiety.  We are working with him on helping her have skills to manage her anxiety, and understanding when her freak outs are anxiety based, and when she's behaving poorly. It's really been helpful for all of us to understand her a little better, and give her support when she needs it.  It's also really cut down on her meltdowns---practicing relaxation techniques together, talking through why something was upsetting after she's calm, and troubleshooting for next time. 

 

Also, with her, at least some of it (spilling, mess) is sensory. She gets visually overloaded if there is too much stuff around her.  She actually cleans way more than I do. Sensory things have also helped calm her down.  I will gently trace shapes on her back, or trace her fingers with one of mine. I will tell her to match my slow breathing.  Or you can have her pretend to hold a flower in one hand, bubble wand in the other.  Have her smell the flower (breathe in) and blow the bubbles (breathe out).  

 

I'm obviously (hopefully) not saying your child has anxiety, but just that these things have helped my DD a ton. 

[Incognito]

I agree with the anxiety angle.

 

Also, a tired or hungry child (or one with other stresses) is an easily upset child.  Staying a week with grandparents is awesome, but stressful.  DS's threat - really mean and if true would be horrible.  She probably believes him.  Cleaning up - it is overwhelming to some kids, and they need concrete step by step help with breaking down the job.

 

FWIW, what you are describing is pretty normal around here for a little kid - and the feelings are there for one of my older children, but good sleep, proper routine, enough downtime all make the outbursts minimal.  If your child will accept snuggles, I find that snuggling until the child calms down (somewhat) helps it all to pass much more quickly.  I don't focus on the incident, I focus on helping the child calm down and then working with them on what we will do (after calm).

 

 

 

[CadenceSophia]

Sounds very similar to my daughter of the same age. I think we expect super mature behavior from kids who are gifted or developing early in certain areas but it is also really normal to be hyper emotional. I would recommend you listen to your gut on whether she needs an eval or just some different parenting/coping strategies. I am afraid our humor may not translate through the internet but my daughter's fits are so dramatic and often seemingly senseless that my husband and I joke that she will either grow up to be a super genius or become completely ineducable and we will have to chain her out in the back yard.

 

As for the room cleaning, I take something of a Montessori view that children can't have more things than they can put away. Even if it seems as if she should be able to not take out everything, that isn't really the case at this age. If she can only clean up three toys on one shelf, then that is how many she can have at a time. It doesn't need to be punishment. You can both talk about how to rotate them. This age just doesn't have the foresight or impulse control not to make big messes that are either physically or emotionally too hard to clean.

[Jackie]

I don't really have advice but see similarities with my daughter. Along with the meltdowns, there is the complete unpredictability of when it will happen. Yesterday, we had a play date at a creek. When going down a makeshift slide into the creek, she flipped around and went in headfirst, going under the water. Normally, that would have caused a complete meltdown, paralyzingly fear of the creek, and certainly ended the play date. Yesterday she was shocked for a moment and then went right on playing. A while later, at the house, a small plate from her play kitchen broke, normally wouldn't be a huge deal, and it was time for a full out meltdown.

 

We did take her to a psych a while back for some serious life-impacting phobias. Those have gotten better in the last year. Anxiety runs strong in my family and I see a lot of clear signs of it in my daughter. Part of that anxiety is sometimes getting overwhelmed by simple tasks, such as cleaning her room. She also tends to jump to the worst conclusions and imagine the worst scenarios. She has a lot of negative self-talk that I try to address. We try to incorporate mindfulness activities for children into our days. Actually, it's one of my goals for this school year to make it a regular part of our days. I've found a few books that are helpful for this part - Sitting Still Like A Frog and Planting Seeds: Practicing Mindfulness With Children are two that I refer to.

[LTBernard]

Thanks everyone!  I had not thought about anxiety.  It does run in the family, so that makes sense. 

[LTBernard]

I agree with the anxiety angle.

 

Also, a tired or hungry child (or one with other stresses) is an easily upset child.  Staying a week with grandparents is awesome, but stressful.  DS's threat - really mean and if true would be horrible.  She probably believes him.  Cleaning up - it is overwhelming to some kids, and they need concrete step by step help with breaking down the job.

 

FWIW, what you are describing is pretty normal around here for a little kid - and the feelings are there for one of my older children, but good sleep, proper routine, enough downtime all make the outbursts minimal.  If your child will accept snuggles, I find that snuggling until the child calms down (somewhat) helps it all to pass much more quickly.  I don't focus on the incident, I focus on helping the child calm down and then working with them on what we will do (after calm).

 

It is definitly worse when she is hungry, tired, etc; but still happens when she seems to be perfectly fine other than the fit.  I totally agree with my parents' house being stressful and exhausting.  I expected fits there, just relaying that story more to show that my mom seemed to think it was serious enough that others would assume we beat her for spilling drinks (or something else severe). 

As for her brother, he is being mean and I have told he as much.  I have also told her that there is no way he means it and that if she would just call him on his bluff he would be playing with her in no time.  I just can't get her to believe me.  I am so ready for her to stand up to him though. 

I think she does do better with concrete steps for things.  I need to remember to do that. I often am running behind myself (which is due to my own poor planning) and just need her to be able to do it without me standing over her.  This is something I definitely need for ME to work on.

She will definitely take snuggles.  She is the most loving child ever.  Funny thing is that at a very young age if she was hurt and I tried to give her a kiss to "make it all better." She would very matter of factly tell me, "that doesn't help." 

[LTBernard]

My DD sounds very similar to yours. We actually took her for a pediatrician visit because we were so stumped by her behavior. She's typically a good kid, but she has triggers that seem to cause crazy sobbing.  The doc recommended a child psych for an eval.  We did, and he diagnosed her with anxiety.  We are working with him on helping her have skills to manage her anxiety, and understanding when her freak outs are anxiety based, and when she's behaving poorly. It's really been helpful for all of us to understand her a little better, and give her support when she needs it.  It's also really cut down on her meltdowns---practicing relaxation techniques together, talking through why something was upsetting after she's calm, and troubleshooting for next time. 

 

Also, with her, at least some of it (spilling, mess) is sensory. She gets visually overloaded if there is too much stuff around her.  She actually cleans way more than I do. Sensory things have also helped calm her down.  I will gently trace shapes on her back, or trace her fingers with one of mine. I will tell her to match my slow breathing.  Or you can have her pretend to hold a flower in one hand, bubble wand in the other.  Have her smell the flower (breathe in) and blow the bubbles (breathe out).  

 

I'm obviously (hopefully) not saying your child has anxiety, but just that these things have helped my DD a ton. 

 

Need to try some of these techniques.

[LTBernard]

.. I've found a few books that are helpful for this part - Sitting Still Like A Frog and Planting Seeds: Practicing Mindfulness With Children are two that I refer to.

 

Will check out these books, thanks!