My gifted child is a perfectionist--HELP!

[McLinda]

My 9 year-old gifted daughter is a perfectionist. She has a difficult time dealing with mistakes she makes during our school day. I explained to her that nobody is perfect. We ALL make mistakes... However, even though my lengthy lecture struck some chords, I was wondering if any of you know of books (fiction or non), websites, or movies that would help her understand how to deal with this difficult trait.

 

Thanks in advance,

Linda :001_smile:

[Donna]

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck

 

Link http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Success-Carol-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1220921342&sr=8-1

 

Good luck. I had a very perfectionistic dd when she was very young (3 yo). I noticed it a lot with her violin lessons. It nearly kept her from trying anything she thought she might not succeed with but with a lot of patience and encouragement to experiment, the perfectionism only rears it's ugly head occassionally.

[Jenny in Florida]

. . . I can tell you some of the things we've done that seem helpful.

 

First of all, I always told my kids that, if they ever get to the point at which they aren't making mistakes, especially in schoolwork, that would be bad, because it would mean they aren't stretching and growing. If they can consistently answer all of the math questions correctly the first time around, then that curriculum isn't challenging them enough. Making mistakes and then correcting them means they are learning.

 

Second, I let them see me making mistakes and handling it well.

 

Third, we've done a lot of visualizing and role play, focusing on helping them to see that "failure isn't fatal." In other words, when one of my kids freezes up or gets stressed because of worry about making a mistake, I would sit down with the child in question and ask him/her to tell me exactly what was the worst thing that might happen if he/she made a mistake. Sometimes, I'd prime the pump with humor, coming up with the most exaggerated, ridiculous outcome I could imagine and delivering it in hysterical, panicky tones. Usually, that would get the kiddo laughing, which would help him/her relax, and then we could talk about the real, underlying fears.

 

After that, we'd just cycle back to the first concept: Making mistakes means you're learning. It's not only normal and understandable, but desirable.

 

And I never, ever let them walk away from something because they were afraid of failing. It was certainly a process, but every time either of them survived a "failure," it proved my point: Failure isn't fatal. And they get stronger with every experience.

[lighthouseacademy]

Once when my son (barely 6 at the time) came unglued because he didn't know the definition of precipice on a quiz, I tried explaining that the purpose of the quiz was not to get 100% but to learn what words he knew and what words he didn't know. He didn't buy it... so I took him to the white board and wrote out a math equation (his favorite subject) that was much harder than his abilities (4 digits multiplied by 3 digits) and told him, "This is a test, you must solve this!" He looked at me and laughed. I kept a straight face and handed him the pen and restated that this was a test and he MUST complete the test or else he would get a 0%! He continued laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He then told me he didn't yet know how to do that kind of problem. I smiled and said, "Ah. So, if you don't know how to do the problem YET you can still learn it right?" After a nod, I went on with reminding him that learning means that we don't know everything. He finally settled down and could accept the issue with precipice. I then wrote a GIGANTIC red 0% and a frowny face next to his "test" which he thought was hilarious because it was so ridiculous. His perfectionistic freakouts from not getting 100% on everything has improved since then. I don't know if this will help you though.

[nmoira]

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck

I second this recommendation, and would third and fourth it if I could.

[RJH]

Something that worked for us was having "mistake" homework. We would purposely make a mistake on something, spill some milk, or get something dirty. We would talk about how everyone makes mistakes, and that makes us human while we were doing these exercises. It seemed to really help him. And I try to be a very good example. If I make a mistake I try to say out loud so he can hear "Oh well....not a biggie....mistakes happen".

[Jill]

I second this recommendation, and would third and fourth it if I could.

 

I'll Third the recommendation for Mindset by Dweck. I recently finished reading it. I had been looking for that kind of book for years, didn't even know it and my son is only 6.5. His perfectionism still shows up in piano a bit - he has a good ear and rhythm, knows what it should sound like but gets horribly frustrated at his level of fine motor control. I do some theory with him (scales, major chords, interval sense and clapping complex rhythms) because that is still learning a lot about the piano and music but doesn't require as much from his fingers yet. His mind can certainly keep up with the theory part. His perfectionism doesn't show itself in handwriting so much any more but maybe just because that particular motor control has developed. Believe me, I am still on alert. Came up with math too but primarily because of the fine-motor control frustrations... but he wanted to do math so we've gone with a computer based program for now.

 

I think I'll print out Jenny's techniques and tape them to the wall, and the firdge, and the mirror... :)

 

Also just started "Some of My Best Friends Are Books" (as recommended in this forum) and it has a small section on perfectionism and also references some studies and books that I may look for, like this one:

http://www.amazon.com/Perfectionism-Whats-About-Being-Good/dp/1575420627/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1221150202&sr=8-2

- Jill in ND

[threetreasurs]

If you are aware of the issue and work with your daughter, there will be progress. My youngest is the perfectionist type and is now in 8th grade. We just had a good conversation about this trait and the discussion went well. It wouldn't have gone so well a few years ago.:)

[Desert Rat]

Yup, a perfectionist (besides me) lives here too. I try to find quotes that illustrate that failure can be a good thing.

 

The one I use most often is Edison's. "I haven't failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." This, in response to a question asked about the invention of the light bulb.

 

I recently bought a poster for our school area that exemplified 4 incredible presidents and the failures they made before their time in office. Abraham Lincoln was postmaster in his township and had the worst efficiency rate in the COUNTRY. That one makes Huck laugh.

 

It hasn't gotten any easier for us. He still breaks down in tears when he makes mistakes, even small ones. On Tuesday he had a complete meltdown because he couldn't form hieroglyphics for a history project. I tried explaining to him that scribes at the time had to practice for years upon years to even begin to be good at it. I explained that this is something that requires practice and that it's unrealistic to expect to be able to do it the very first time. To this he answered that he had tried this when he was 6 (2 years ago!) and that he still can't!

I was really floored. I was angry at him for being too hard on himself because he reminds me so much of myself. I think really that's the heart of the problem. We're continually working through perfectionism and perseverence. We talk about why erasers are on pencils and why white-out was invented. I try to model good reactions to failure for him. He's really just his worst critic. And it's so hard to watch.

 

Wow, this got long. Sorry about that. Hope there's some useful information for you in there somewhere!