"When you were a kid, I thought you.....": Lies we tell our kids

[poppy]

In the midst of some funny recollection last year, my mom blurted out "When you were a kid, I always thought you were an airhead".

 

I was *shocked*.  I had no clue she felt that way. 

 

Looking back, yes, I was kind of airhead-y at times. I had a pretty severe anxiety disorder that probably looked a lot like ADHD.  I am from the pre-ADHD era, plus I had a brother with severe mental problems so I am not blaming them for not focusing on my issues.......... it was the 80s, whole different world. 

 

Anyway. My mom always told me I was bright and encouraged me to pursue any career I wanted. She had a lot of faults as a mom, for sure, but making me feel dumb wasn't one of them. I am grateful for that.

 

What do you think about your kid that you won't tell them until decades from now?

[Guest]

It's the Internet, I advise nobody put anything down here that they wouldn't want their kid to find in ten years. Even if you plan on telling them, tread lightly - I know more than one person very hurt by a parent's opinion of them, even when it wasn't mean't hurtful.

 

Not directed at you, Poppy, but a general caution gleaned from experience ;)

 

I don't lie to my kids. Ever. I'm even careful in promising future events or simplifying explanations to not veer into a falsehood. There are things about their character that are challenges but I probably won't ever mention it to them. What's the point?

[Guest]

That he better do well on the math portion of the SAT, because Heaven help him on the verbal!

[Mimm]

Huh. My mom always called me an airhead to my face. ;) (It didn't hurt my feelings. I do have ADD and am a bit of an airhead.)

 

Hmmm... I don't know, I'm honest with my kids about their flaws. And my own. I try to be tactful and encouraging when talking about it. "Yes, you have a bad temper. I know what that's like, I've struggled with mine my whole life. It's something you just have to work on. And it might seem like an uphill battle, but it's one worth fighting." etc.

 

So, the point, Arctic Mama, is to encourage and give them tools to overcome whatever their particular difficulties are.

 

I can't think of anything I wouldn't say now that I might say later.

[poppy]

It's the Internet, I advise nobody put anything down here that they wouldn't want their kid to find in ten years. Even if you plan on telling them, tread lightly - I know more than one person very hurt by a parent's opinion of them, even when it wasn't mean't hurtful.

 

Not directed at you, Poppy, but a general caution gleaned from experience ;)

 

I don't lie to my kids. Ever. I'm even careful in promising future events or simplifying explanations to not veer into a falsehood. There are things about their character that are challenges but I probably won't ever mention it to them. What's the point?

 

I think that is mostly what I'm talking about - lying by omission.

Meant to be lighthearted, really.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I can't think of any.  My ds knows that he is an Aspie.  Dd knows that she has LDs.  Neither are indicative of their character as such.  I would assume it would have to be "negative" in order for a parent to feel like they have to lie about it.  

[Lang Syne Boardie]

If my mom or dad ever lied to me about having some kind of faith in me, I'd hope they'd just go ahead and take that little secret to the grave.

 

Maybe it's a Christian thing. There's this scripture that lists all the things that love does, including believing all things and hoping all things and forgetting the little sins and disappointments of those we love...of course, parents are going to worry. We're going to judge our kids, we're going to wonder if they'll be OK. But when they do turn out OK we're just glad we believed and hoped and waited. Enough said.

[athomeontheprairie]

This is not the question asked, but it's my answer. My mom ALWAYS dotted on me, told me I could do anything, super smart, etc. And in many ways, it was helpful. I REALLY did believe I was super smart, could do anything, and consequently I tried my things. BUT it took a long time to recover from all the false praise. Realistically, I can't do ANYTHING. I can do a lot, but not everything. Some realistic talk from my mom would have been greatly appreciated.

[Guest]

Oh, I have told my kids to their faces that they're impulsive, or space cadets, or dawdling. Usually with a wink and a correction, though! But any big thing (and there are a few big ones) are going with me to the grave, for all the reasons Tibbie mentioned.

[poppy]

If my mom or dad ever lied to me about having some kind of faith in me, I'd hope they'd just go ahead and take that little secret to the grave.

 

Maybe it's a Christian thing. There's this scripture that lists all the things that love does, including believing all things and hoping all things and forgetting the little sins and disappointments of those we love...of course, parents are going to worry. We're going to judge our kids, we're going to wonder if they'll be OK. But when they do turn out OK we're just glad we believed and hoped and waited. Enough said.

 

That sounds more like The Secret than what I learned in Sunday school.... but of course, denominations do approach things differently.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

That sounds more like The Secret than what I learned in Sunday school.... but of course, denominations do approach things differently.

 

What?

 

What I said about what love does - hoping and believing all things, covering all sins, is from the new testament Bible, the thirteenth chapter of the book of First Corinthians. Verses 4-8.

 

Last time I checked all Christian denominations have the letters to the churches in common.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I can't think of anything. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

That sounds more like The Secret than what I learned in Sunday school.... but of course, denominations do approach things differently.

 

I had to take a quick gander online to remember what the Secret was about, the whole law of attraction thing. I don't believe that and never have.

 

When I said we are just glad when the kids turn out OK and don't go around telling them we lied to them when we said we thought they'd be OK? How that is about feeling good about having believed and hoped and forgiven the small things as told to us in scripture? I Corinthians 13.

 

If I said that believing and hoping kids will be OK will manifest as them being OK because of our positive thoughts, THAT would be the Secret/law of attraction thingie. But that's totally not what I said.

[poppy]

Didn't mean to be offensive. I thought your post was lovely.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Ok once my kids commented that I only had sex 2x because I have 2 kids.  I didn't correct them.  I'm pretty sure they will figure that one out.  LOL 

 

Otherwise, I am generally pretty open and honest with them.

[Guest]

P.S. i do think some things are better to take to the grave, i.e., there is no point mentioning when they are grown, and it would be too discouraging to learn it when still developing.

 

Dh's mother mentioned, many years after DH had grown to become a competant builder, that FIL had been concerned when he was young that he was "the least mechanically inclined of the boys." I don't think it upset him to hear that his dad had thought that and it was moot from a confidence perspective, but I probably just would never have said so. It just isn't important to know Dad was most concerned about you, KWIM?

[Ripley]

It's hard to say without knowing what the kids will ultimately pursue and how their lives will turn out. But I do have confession-worthy sentiments, more directed at myself about them than about them directly.

 

E.g., my teenager is completely baffled by my ability to read him and to know things he's trying to hide.

 

I don't read minds. I don't have security cameras in the home, or eyes in the back of my heads. I'm just well-read and that's led to a fairly good intuition, backed by award-worthy acting skills to make it appear (to him) that I'm confident in my assertions when I'm really just guessing. It drives him mad, he can't figure out why he's unable to keep a secret - no matter how large or insignificant - and he's convinced I'm omniscient.  We're to the point I don't even have to guess aloud, but simply a well-time eyebrow raise will have him confessing before I can even garner a guess as to what's going on!

 

So I'd confess that really I'm a fraud. But maybe by then he'll have figured it out and will be employing the same methods with his own children. 

 

That's pretty much how it went in my family. When I had my kids, the light bulb clicked on and choirs of angels sang as it dawned upon me that my own mother was a fraud and a well-read good guesser with passable acting talent all those years! 

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's hard to say without knowing what the kids will ultimately pursue and how their lives will turn out. But I do have confession-worthy sentiments, more directed at myself about them than about them directly.

 

E.g., my teenager is completely baffled by my ability to read him and to know things he's trying to hide.

 

I don't read minds. I don't have security cameras in the home, or eyes in the back of my heads. I'm just well-read and that's led to a fairly good intuition, backed by award-worthy acting skills to make it appear (to him) that I'm confident in my assertions when I'm really just guessing. It drives him mad, he can't figure out why he's unable to keep a secret - no matter how large or insignificant - and he's convinced I'm omniscient.  We're to the point I don't even have to guess aloud, but simply a well-time eyebrow raise will have him confessing before I can even garner a guess as to what's going on!

 

So I'd confess that really I'm a fraud. But maybe by then he'll have figured it out and will be employing the same methods with his own children. 

 

That's pretty much how it went in my family. When I had my kids, the light bulb clicked on and choirs of angels sang as it dawned upon me that my own mother was a fraud and a well-read good guesser with passable acting talent all those years! 

 

Oh I can relate to this. I think I can read his mind though.  I swear.  It's like everything is always written on his face or in his actions.  I kinda freak myself out with it.  But just my older kid.  The younger one, nope.  No clue what goes on in his mind.  He is an enigma. 

[Butter]

I can't think of anything I say to my kids about them that aren't true.  I've got an absent-minded professor and a space cadet, but they know who they are ;)

[suzybluecheese]

This is so timely for me.  I was just telling my mom that oldest dd has always been given things - even by complete strangers.  When she was just a toddler, a woman at the grocery store gave her a couple of stuff animals that she won from one of those crane machines.  Later, a pre-teen girl and her mother approached us at a carnival and asked if they could give her a stuff animal the girl had won at one of the carnival games.  Her friends have brought over their toys to give to her. :huh: 

 

Now she has a boyfriend who has bought her flowers, candy, and t-shirts.  He's a nice kid, but I had to have a little talk with him about saving his money.

 

Anyway, just this evening it occurred to me that my fear is she has the impression that she will be able to float through life with everything given to her.

[Little Nyssa]

Well...

I try to hide from them that I think they are the most 1% top geniuses of the world, plus best looking and kindest and most sensitive... I'm afraid they would get conceited. ;)

[Tsuga]

I don't lie but I will never tell her that her dad is a narcissistic jerk and that she pulls the same stunts. I only tell her she's like her dad in a positive way. Like, she has a career in advertising and/or real estate just waiting for her with those selling skills.

[Catwoman]

This is so timely for me. I was just telling my mom that oldest dd has always been given things - even by complete strangers. When she was just a toddler, a woman at the grocery store gave her a couple of stuff animals that she won from one of those crane machines. Later, a pre-teen girl and her mother approached us at a carnival and asked if they could give her a stuff animal the girl had won at one of the carnival games. Her friends have brought over their toys to give to her. :huh:

 

Now she has a boyfriend who has bought her flowers, candy, and t-shirts. He's a nice kid, but I had to have a little talk with him about saving his money.

 

Anyway, just this evening it occurred to me that my fear is she has the impression that she will be able to float through life with everything given to her.

Or else she will actually be able to float through life with everything given to her! :D

 

Maybe she got the great combination of being both a very lucky person and a genuinely nice person.

[Catwoman]

This is not the question asked, but it's my answer. My mom ALWAYS dotted on me, told me I could do anything, super smart, etc. And in many ways, it was helpful. I REALLY did believe I was super smart, could do anything, and consequently I tried my things. BUT it took a long time to recover from all the false praise. Realistically, I can't do ANYTHING. I can do a lot, but not everything. Some realistic talk from my mom would have been greatly appreciated.

Maybe it wasn't false praise. Maybe she really believed it.

[Night Elf]

I'll admit I have some thoughts and opinions I do not share with my kids. I can't imagine ever sharing them, even decades from now. The information could hurt their feelings. I don't see how that would be helpful at all. It seems like I would be waiting to tell them something negative and what would be the point? No, I'll keep my thoughts to myself.

[Guest kolmjhtyr]

I advise nobody put anything down here that they wouldn't want their kid to find in ten years.

[abba12]

Yeah, my mum was kinda messed up, she told me I would never be able to live in the real world quite frequently and openly. (and that is far from the worst things she ever told me). I don't have a good role model here lol.

 

We have a policy of complete (age appropriate) openness in my house. I have mental health issues which effect my family and, as a result, I feel very strongly about being open in everything. My children need to understand me, and why I am the way I am, if I want a good relationship with them to continue because I screw things up in big ways regularly. If I hide some things, only say the good things and the positive things, they'll wonder what I'm hiding and not telling them, and they may not believe me when I am positive about other things (like my mum, who used to just say she was tired every time she was upset). I'd rather say the negatives alongside the positives, so that they will believe that there is nothing I'm not telling them and can trust me with the big things I need them to. 

 

As a result, I'll tell my oldest she's being a cranky-pants, and talk to her about how her daddy has trouble with his anger, and how important it is to learn to control your anger. I'll tell my middle child she's a bit of a dreamer, and a little unfocused (don't get me wrong, I'll also tell my oldest that she is an extremely considerate person when she's not angry, also just like her father, and I'll also tell my middle child she has a wonderful imagination and should use it)

 

 

[kewb]

I can't think of an opinion I wouldn't share with my kids now.

 

I do remember my mother telling me that she and my father never thought I would finish college years after I had graduated. They thought I would flake out. That stung a bit since I always knew my life plan about college and work. Even as a kid my parents knew nothing about who I am.

[Pink and Green Mom]

I remember being in my first year of law school and my sister was a junior in college.  In college I had asked if I could study abroad one semester - I was an international finance major, so study abroad would have been relevant.  My parents said no.  They had the money for it, they just thought it highly unnecessary (neither of my parents went to college, so they really did not have any first hand experience of college "stuff").  Two years later, when my sister was a junior she got to study abroad. She was a music theory major and wanted to go to Paris to research some long since dead composer.

 

So I asked my parents why my sister was given the opportunity but I was not.  My mom very frankly said that they thought I was very lazy and it would be a waste of money to send me abroad.  I was 23, in law school, didn't have a particularly close relationship with my mother at that time, and it still stung that they thought that.  I wish she had never told me that.  I heard "we think you are lazy" in the back of my head for a long, long time after that.  Even as I went on to have a very successful law career.

 

And now, I have a child who is very lazy academically.  It drives me crazy.  When we are in the midst of an argument or some sort of standoff about homework or studying I have to really bite my tongue very hard to not drop the "L word" into the mix.

[athomeontheprairie]

Maybe it wasn't false praise. Maybe she really believed it.

As an adult with four children, I know it was false. She does the same thing to my kids. Then when they leave, she does the eye roll and "yes, it's just another picture" (or similar). It is because I see it as an adult that I can recognize what was happening in my youth.

You can't hide the lies from your kids forever. I guess I just want to be sincere to my kids, that's what I wanted (then and now)

[Butter]

This is so timely for me.  I was just telling my mom that oldest dd has always been given things - even by complete strangers.  When she was just a toddler, a woman at the grocery store gave her a couple of stuff animals that she won from one of those crane machines.  Later, a pre-teen girl and her mother approached us at a carnival and asked if they could give her a stuff animal the girl had won at one of the carnival games.  Her friends have brought over their toys to give to her. :huh:

 

Now she has a boyfriend who has bought her flowers, candy, and t-shirts.  He's a nice kid, but I had to have a little talk with him about saving his money.

 

Anyway, just this evening it occurred to me that my fear is she has the impression that she will be able to float through life with everything given to her.

 

That was me!  Boyfriends always gave me things.  Sometimes random strangers did, too.  It was a big joke in our family, particularly when I was a teenager.

[suzybluecheese]

That was me!  Boyfriends always gave me things.  Sometimes random strangers did, too.  It was a big joke in our family, particularly when I was a teenager.

 

How did you turn out? :bigear: ;)

 

Just this week dd told a kid at tennis clinic that she liked his hat.  At the end of the day, the kid comes running up to the car and hands her his hat! I didn't really realize what was happening until we drove away.  I told her that maybe next time she should just politely refuse and ask where he got it so that she could go get one for herself.

 

I try to counteract all this generosity by making her earn her own money  - and giving her NOTHING!  :p

 

[swellmomma]

I can't think of anything that I don't tell my kids.  I say flat out if I think they did brilliantly on something, or if they are being a jacka$$ and everything in between.  With oldest I have serious concerns about his future, but I am open with him saying "these are my worries, that if things continue on this path, this is what your life will look like"  rather than pretending they are okay and keeping my fingers crossed etc

[lllll]

nm

[Renai]

One day, oldest dd designed and made a shirt to go to a party. She was about 12 years old. I admitted to her that I was quite worried about her fashion sense when she was little, because she'd come out with polka dots and stripes along with a tutu or something.

 

I was able to tell her also, I was no longer worried as she'd turned out quite well in the fashion sense. :D. We had a good laugh, and she got a lot of compliments on her shirt.

[jewellsmommy]

Dd really got into making custom stuffed creatures from old socks when she was about 8. They always looked pretty good, and I was generally impressed. But, there was one that she made out of a pinkish tone sock to be a dinosaur (apatosoraus shaped). With the head shape, long neck, and the way the stitching looked, it looked a lot like a...um...male organ. She wrapped it in a little blanket and carried it around with only the neck and head sticking out. :mellow: I was always looking for excuses to tell her to leave it at home. Finally, I just told her the truth. Yep, that was an interesting conversation. She was quite appalled. 

[Butter]

How did you turn out? :bigear: ;)

 

Just this week dd told a kid at tennis clinic that she liked his hat.  At the end of the day, the kid comes running up to the car and hands her his hat! I didn't really realize what was happening until we drove away.  I told her that maybe next time she should just politely refuse and ask where he got it so that she could go get one for herself.

 

I try to counteract all this generosity by making her earn her own money  - and giving her NOTHING!  :p

 

 

I think I turned out okay lol

[abba12]

One day, oldest dd designed and made a shirt to go to a party. She was about 12 years old. I admitted to her that I was quite worried about her fashion sense when she was little, because she'd come out with polka dots and stripes along with a tutu or something.

 

I was able to tell her also, I was no longer worried as she'd turned out quite well in the fashion sense. :D. We had a good laugh, and she got a lot of compliments on her shirt.

 

This reminds me of something. I had no sense of humour as a kid (aspie) and my parents were pretty blunt about it. That seems to me like one of those things a parent would grin and not say until many years later, but, mine not only said it, they bought me joke books hoping some of it would rub off!

 

Many years later, and I have, on and off, co-hosted an internet radio comedy show. I guess it worked.