DS7 Sleep onset anxiety after camp

[LarlaB]

Ds7 (he will be 8 in 2 weeks) went to sleep away camp last week for the first time (dd11 was there as well) and had a wonderful time. He missed us but said it wasn't too bad- also their schedule had them running nonstop so I think he slept pretty well at night.  He was a bit nervous about how/where he was going to sleep etc....

Two nights ago while getting ready for bed a neighbor set off some fireworks- DS was pretty freaked out (said he thought his heart stopped) and thought it was a gunshot (he has fired a gun w/ an uncle so it's not a bad thing for him)...I think the unexpected loud noise startled him.

He then went to bed as normal and began to hyperventilate....I wouldn't say it was a full on panic attack but he was shallow breathing and half crying, so pretty much. It took 30 minutes to calm him and I decided I to rub his back until he fell asleep- and slept in his bed (thankfully he has a Queen bed). I also instructed him in deep breathing and relaxation techniques etc

Last night he went to bed without complaint but then proceeded to get up after 3 minutes saying "it was happening again" and was short of breath. We gave him a glass of milk, talked calmly to him, reasoned with him, but he proceeded to have a full on meltdown because he couldn't burp (his way of expressing a tight chest I presume) and needed me to sleep with him. While I did get frustrated at one point, I pretty much remained calm and firm. Told him he needed to stop coming into our room or texting us (he has an ipod in his room to listen to night time calm music)....so he stayed in his room but was standing next to the closed door screaming and crying "it's a simple choice- why won't you sleep with me"."I cant stop thinking about you"....gulp.  After a bit of this, I went in firmly told him I was going to bed for the night and he needed to stop yelling and get in his bed, and he did. At 11:15. We had kissed him goodnight at 10:00.

It seemed to start as mild anxiety and ended as a 7 yr old tantrum ....and yes he was extremely overtired. However, this was very out of character for him although he is can be pretty emotional. We have not had sleep issues although he is a very cuddly mommas boy and isn't ashamed to say he hates to sleep alone.

ETA:  He just woke up this AM and seems perfectly fine.  He remembers last night and is a little embarassed....I gently pointed out that he had a successful night on his own and he looked a little sheepish.  I said that his yelling upset me and he said he was sorry.  I asked him if he knew that we loved him and that we were doing everything we could to help him get to sleep last night, he said yes..... he just got too upset, and I told him I understand that it happens and that tonight would be much better. 


Any tips advice or insight?  

(Edited to fix the various autocorrect issues from typing on my phone)

[albeto.]

Poor kiddo. 

 

How compassionate of you to comfort him like that.

[livetoread]

It sounds like you have covered the bases as far as teaching him relaxation techniques etc. Personally I would have slept with him again the second night (or at the very least gone in and comforted him for awhile) but that is my parenting philosophy, especially given how upset he was and how much he needed you. You can be a resource for him, a comforting, steadying presence, while he learns and practices other techniques as well.

[momto10blessings]

Did you ask him if anything happened at this camp that upset or hurt him?

Other than that, he's young... I wouldn't be too concerned. When this starts happening, tell him to breathe slowly- count to 5 while inhaling and exhaling and think of his favorite things.

[MercyA]

I would be concerned that something upsetting may have happened at camp and would definitely gently question him about it.  Hope he feels better soon.  

[Tap]

I will probably be the odd man out and give him something to help him sleep for a few nights until the 4th is over. Benadryl works for most kids, but not all.

 

I would probably let him fall asleep on the couch until Tuesday night (people here will lt them off for a few days), and the move him back to his bed once he is asleep.

 

Then after Tuesday I would work on getting back to normal, one the stimuli is gone.

[hjffkj]

I would cuddle him until he didn't need me anymore. But I don't leave anxious and overlytired kids to deal with their tantrums by themselves. I would also question him about if anything happened at the camp or if he just feels like he needs extra attention and cuddles be cause he was away from the normal for so long.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Tonight I would give him an epsom salt bath or some Natural Calm for kids (magnesium).  It will help relax him. 

[Catwoman]

I would have stayed with him.

 

He is still only a little boy. I am not sure why you got upset with him and refused to stay with him when it seems very clear that he needed you. :confused:

 

I agree with the others who have suggested you try to find out if something scary happened at camp.

[zoobie]

I agree with the Epsom salt bath recommendation. I also would stay with him until he fell asleep. You can't reason away an anxiety attack. He wasn't having one on purpose. It's a medical issue, not a disciplinary one. I wouldn't leave a child throwing up to deal with it alone.

 

I hope your DS sleeps well tonight.

[Jan in SC]

That poor child! I would just have slept with him again. He's still so little. I think I would give it a couple more nights before I worried that something happened at camp. If the fireworks caught him by surprise, it could just be that.

[Little Nyssa]

I can see how not staying, after a certain point, could be the best thing. With my kids, even when they were younger than seven, sometimes being on their own was more calming. Sometimes me being there was actually feeding into the problem and stirring it up. Jmho

[abba12]

I agree with not staying. It sounds like you spoke to him calmly, tried to help him calm down then left, which is probably what I'd do. We've dealt with anxiety issues, though in slightly younger children, and I've dealt with it similarly to you. Hugs, calming down and guiding through some techniques, then leaving them to sleep on their own, otherwise they will depend on you for those techniques instead of learning to follow the techniques themselves. If he hasn't done much work with self-calming stuff he might need a bit more guidance for the first few nights, don't expect him to remember everything you said the first time. But I do disagree with the posters saying he's so little and needs you with him. Then again, I'm a little overboard when it comes to encouraging emotional independence, due to my own mental health issues.

 

I would definitely be asking some gentle, non-leading, questions about camp though. Be very careful not to 'put ideas into his head', don't ask 'did such-and-such happen' , but I'd gently ask some probing questions

[LarlaB]

Thanks for the replies....it does come down to a parenting choice. If he was in full panic attack mode I would never have left him to work it out the other night...but he wasn't. Irrational, yes. Panicking, no. My thoughts are that while yes he is young, ultimately he will have to learn to deal with this on his own - rather than me fix it for him. so I tried to give him tools and confidence to do so....

 

I have a background in counseling and worked with him during the day to apply some CBT techniques- we named Mr Worry, talked about the fight/flight response "trick" that his brain was playing on him, deep breathing, named his fears and examined their validity, talked about the worst case scenarios, cited his accomplishments and abilities, talked about camp, about redirecting, challenging anxious thinking...a host of tools. It helped for him to know he isn't alone in his struggle as I struggle with anxiety too. I understand how embarassing it can be to feel so out of control and feel so powerless, but reassured him he is not powerless! I was able to give him examples of how changing my thinking or my focus could silence Mrs Worries and free me to move on.

 

It came down to his love to sleep with and have other people around and that he had really missed me at camp. We can't fix the sleeping with others option although we explored options....so that will have to be an acceptance choice on his part. As for missing me, I double dosed him on quality time with mom yesterday... to make sure I filled his love tank with tons of snuggles and hugs and even holding him during a movie last night.

 

I gave him GABA and Theanine about 1 hour before bed which are very calming and really helped...he was getting anxious from about 8pm on.

 

We ended up having quiet fun family time before bed- took an evening walk and noticed planets were visible so got out the telescope.

 

I could see the struggle on his face several times and simply acknowledged his feelings and then distracted him.

 

When bedtime came he was on the edge...but I stayed calm but didn't baby him. I laid down with him and rubbed his back till he was drowsy while we listened to calm Christian music with lyrics for him to focus on...when I went to leave he came fully alert and started to panic and so I redirected him to positive thinking (upcoming birthday, seeing friends, soccer camp etc). I suggested he relax like he was relaxed 5 minutes before...reminded that 2 nights of rough going to sleep doesn't mean it's like that forever.... And left. And he slept â¤ï¸

 

Dh went to check on him 5 minutes later and he was peacefully sleeping. â¤ï¸

 

I'm really proud of him. it's sad to realize that going away to camp may have triggered this anxiety issue but also realize that the benefits of having those experiences at camp, seeing his own stregnth and ability is greater.

[Luanne]

Yes, ultimately he will have to learn to deal with stuff on his own, but not at the age of 7.  I quite honestly don't know why you thought sending a child that young to sleep away camp was a good idea in the first place.  I'm thinking you don't still see him as he is, which is a very young child still.  He'll have plenty of time for older child stuff when he is older.  He will also learn to deal with stuff on his own, but, why push it on a young child? 

[Amy in NH]

Yes, ultimately he will have to learn to deal with stuff on his own, but not at the age of 7.  I quite honestly don't know why you thought sending a child that young to sleep away camp was a good idea in the first place.  I'm thinking you don't still see him as he is, which is a very young child still.  He'll have plenty of time for older child stuff when he is older.  He will also learn to deal with stuff on his own, but, why push it on a young child? 

 

I have to agree with this.  My 7yo children don't even have overnights away from home with friends, never mind a whole week of sleep-away camp.  IMO that is just way too young.  You are treating him like he should behave like a much older, more emotionally mature person than should be expected of a 7yo.

[MomatHWTK]

I'm wondering what tips you were hoping for since you seem to have a pretty solid plan.  Were you just wanting to know how others would handle the situation?

 

I feel like the next day conversation you had with DS as you described was a little shaming and that it something I would caution against.  Sometimes children have responses that are outside their control or are for legitimate reasons and I wouldn't want my child to be afraid to express his feelings to me.  It's not always about toeing the line.  JMO

[abba12]

Yes, ultimately he will have to learn to deal with stuff on his own, but not at the age of 7.  I quite honestly don't know why you thought sending a child that young to sleep away camp was a good idea in the first place.  I'm thinking you don't still see him as he is, which is a very young child still.  He'll have plenty of time for older child stuff when he is older.  He will also learn to deal with stuff on his own, but, why push it on a young child? 

 

 

I have to agree with this.  My 7yo children don't even have overnights away from home with friends, never mind a whole week of sleep-away camp.  IMO that is just way too young.  You are treating him like he should behave like a much older, more emotionally mature person than should be expected of a 7yo.

 

 

You know what, people have different parenting philosophies. It's not like sending a 7yo to a sleepaway camp is unheard of, obviously they catered to that age. Just because you choose not to parent your children that way doesn't mean you should attack the parenting methods of this mother, who is obviously very concerned and guided her son through ways to handle things. She didn't just leave him in a dark room to panic hysterically alone. She helped him, guided him, left him when he was irrational but NOT hysterical/panicked. Maybe it's not how you'd parent, but your messages come across as attacking, judgemental and harsh, not just giving another opinion/point of view.

 

I would have done pretty much everything this mother has done, including sending the child to camp in the first place. I don't think I expect too much of my children, I just want to foster independence and self confidence. For my eldest, when she was 3 she learned deep breathing. She loved it because it gave her some way to control her situation, by herself, without relying on someone else to help her. I can't explain how much it helped her with her anxiety/anger issues (brought on by outside circumstances) to be able to have a strategy she could use all by herself, even at that age. She is an extremely confident little girl. My second child dislikes being around anyone when she is upset, so this will be doubly important for her that she learns independent coping skills. 

 

Maybe it's different, but she isn't doing anything abusive or genuinely harmful, just treating her 7yo like a child instead of a toddler. Goodness, how do you think children 100 years ago coped, they sure weren't coddled like babies. Children live up to the expectations set for them, and I for one think 7yos are far more capable than some of you are giving them credit for. That's fine, you raise them how you like, I understand there are parenting philosophies which promote very attached, dependent parenting, and I respect that. But don't attack those who do things differently.

 

I think you're doing a great job. 

[Catwoman]

You know what, people have different parenting philosophies. It's not like sending a 7yo to a sleepaway camp is unheard of, obviously they catered to that age. Just because you choose not to parent your children that way doesn't mean you should attack the parenting methods of this mother, who is obviously very concerned and guided her son through ways to handle things. She didn't just leave him in a dark room to panic hysterically alone. She helped him, guided him, left him when he was irrational but NOT hysterical/panicked. Maybe it's not how you'd parent, but your messages come across as attacking, judgemental and harsh, not just giving another opinion/point of view.

 

I would have done pretty much everything this mother has done, including sending the child to camp in the first place. I don't think I expect too much of my children, I just want to foster independence and self confidence. For my eldest, when she was 3 she learned deep breathing. She loved it because it gave her some way to control her situation, by herself, without relying on someone else to help her. I can't explain how much it helped her with her anxiety/anger issues (brought on by outside circumstances) to be able to have a strategy she could use all by herself, even at that age. She is an extremely confident little girl. My second child dislikes being around anyone when she is upset, so this will be doubly important for her that she learns independent coping skills.

 

Maybe it's different, but she isn't doing anything abusive or genuinely harmful, just treating her 7yo like a child instead of a toddler. Goodness, how do you think children 100 years ago coped, they sure weren't coddled like babies. Children live up to the expectations set for them, and I for one think 7yos are far more capable than some of you are giving them credit for. That's fine, you raise them how you like, I understand there are parenting philosophies which promote very attached, dependent parenting, and I respect that. But don't attack those who do things differently.

 

I think you're doing a great job.

I don't think anyone was attacking her. She specifically asked for "tips, advice or insight," and that is what she received.

 

If she didn't want any criticism, she should have made this a JAWM thread.

[Amy in NH]

You know what, people have different parenting philosophies. It's not like sending a 7yo to a sleepaway camp is unheard of, obviously they catered to that age. Just because you choose not to parent your children that way doesn't mean you should attack the parenting methods of this mother, who is obviously very concerned and guided her son through ways to handle things. She didn't just leave him in a dark room to panic hysterically alone. She helped him, guided him, left him when he was irrational but NOT hysterical/panicked. Maybe it's not how you'd parent, but your messages come across as attacking, judgemental and harsh, not just giving another opinion/point of view.

 

I would have done pretty much everything this mother has done, including sending the child to camp in the first place. I don't think I expect too much of my children, I just want to foster independence and self confidence. For my eldest, when she was 3 she learned deep breathing. She loved it because it gave her some way to control her situation, by herself, without relying on someone else to help her. I can't explain how much it helped her with her anxiety/anger issues (brought on by outside circumstances) to be able to have a strategy she could use all by herself, even at that age. She is an extremely confident little girl. My second child dislikes being around anyone when she is upset, so this will be doubly important for her that she learns independent coping skills. 

 

Maybe it's different, but she isn't doing anything abusive or genuinely harmful, just treating her 7yo like a child instead of a toddler. Goodness, how do you think children 100 years ago coped, they sure weren't coddled like babies. Children live up to the expectations set for them, and I for one think 7yos are far more capable than some of you are giving them credit for. That's fine, you raise them how you like, I understand there are parenting philosophies which promote very attached, dependent parenting, and I respect that. But don't attack those who do things differently.

 

I think you're doing a great job. 

 

My kids also learned deep breathing when they were preschoolers.  Expecting some independence in a 7yo is not the problem; expecting a 7yo to have the emotional maturity to handle a week of sleepover camp is not age appropriate *IMO*.  Some independence for a 7yo looks like day camp. 

 

Just 'cause you can doesn't mean you should.

 

Your signature doesn't state the ages of your kids...

 

 

[Guest]

If it wasn't just a sleepover with a friend or family members I think my kids would freak slightly, too, even as they were having fun. That is a big experience for a first grader and for a child prone to panic attacks it's not at all surprising they were triggered. My NT, mellow kids wouldn't have handled it well!

 

I think you did a good job helping him afterward :)

[livetoread]

I think teaching several strategies is very helpful for kids. I also think him asking for your presence was a healthy strategy on his part - the healthiest IMO. Reaching out for physical and emotional comfort from those who love us when we are feeling overwhelmed is emotionally healthy at any age. Meeting that request as much as we are able doesn't foster dependence IMO; it fosters a confidence in emotional connectedness.

 

I had a sensitive boy (now a very independent 17yo). There are a lot of pressures on boys to be less emotionally connected and more emotionally independent. It's tough to navigate those waters I know.