MommaOfalotta Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Dh and I are going away in September for two nights for our anniversary. I was super worried about ds2 (he will be 3 by then) because I've only left him overnight once and I had to cut it short after ONE night because he and I were both inconsolable. After that he was attached to my hip for months, and would cry if I left even to go to the store. (He doesn't do this anymore but I also haven't left overnight since then.. which was November of last year.) Well I wasn't worried about dd8 at all. She's been staying overnight with family since she was 2! She has never once gotten homesick. She can go days without seeing me and be totally fine. Well, we were housesitting for my inlaws about 30 mins from home. She was staying at home Saturday night, to spend the night with her grandma. Keep in mind, this is where we live so she had her own bed, her own toys, etc. She calls at 10:30 BAWLING for us to come get her because she has a migraine and is nauseous. Dh goes to get her. The very next Saturday she says she wants to stay with gma at home again. That night... at 11pm she calls bawling because shes nauseous and homesick. She is freaking out. I try to tell her it's late, its far away, try and tough it out and ill be there first thing in the morning. She melts down. So dh goes to get her again. We now have a new rule, no more staying overnight. Her week at church camp with gma has been totally ruled out and even though she has been looking forward to it for months, she didn't bat an eye when I told her she couldn't go. (It's far away and we would not go get her if she called late at night.) It's not a grandma thing, because these two are inseparable. She is gmas sidekick. It's just something that has kicked in out of nowhere. We will be gone two nights in September and they will be staying with my inlaws. It's the first time we will be away from dd since the homesick issues and the longest I've ever been away from ds. Dh and I have never gone anywhere by ourselves and while I'm so excited, it makes me sick to think about them being homesick that long. We have thought about a few gifts they could open at bedtime... ugh I just don't know. I'm a worrier, I don't like being away from my kids, and now I've also got dd to worry about. Any help/experience/ideas please? TIA. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 If my daughter had those issues, I don't think I'd go. :grouphug: 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiden Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I know it would be a disappointment, but I also wouldn't go. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaOfalotta Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 :crying: That's my first thought. Even more so for my ds who handles it even worse... or at least he did. Ugh... but dh and I really need this. We've never gone anywhere alone together. Never. Not even a honeymoon. Wahhhhh I don't know what to do. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiden Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 :crying: That's my first thought. Even more so for my ds who handles it even worse... or at least he did. Ugh... but dh and I really need this. We've never gone anywhere alone together. Never. Not even a honeymoon. Wahhhhh I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry :( Would it be possible to take a day trip instead? Or to bring a friend or family member with you to watch the kids and sleep in an adjoining room with them? At the very least, before you try it in September, I'd try an overnight sometime sooner, this month even. See how that goes. If it goes well, maybe try 2 nights away from you--but with you in the community to respond if needed. If it doesn't go well, reconsider the anniversary trip. My 4yo is ok being put in bed by someone else, but only if we tell her we'll check on her when we get home. We're actually planning to try her first overnight trip to her aunt and uncle's house later this month, but we'll only be 15 minutes away. If that works, we'd like to take an overnight trip an hour away, but if she has problems with that first trip, we won't do it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaOfalotta Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 We may try a night this month or next to see how it goes... Thanks :001_unsure: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
City Mouse Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I think you are going to have to decide what is important to you. It is kind of like the difference between making kids sleep in their own room or bed every night vs. kids and parents sleeping together. If it is important to you to get away without the kids, then it can be done. It sounds like you have family you can really trust with them. Then I would not let the kids call home at night. Bedtime is the hardest time for homesickness and the phone calls just reinforce their bad feelings. Yes, the kids may be sad, but they will live. If migraines are a real problem for your DD p, have a plan in place a head of time as to what they will do if she gets one. Send medicine for the headache and tums or pesto bismol for the stomach ache. Grandma can call you if something serious is wrong and let the kids call you in the morning when you can remind them of all the fun things they will do with grandma that day. Stop picking them up in the middle of the night just because they miss you. (Note- this would not apply if they are really sick or if you are concerned about safety). On the other hand, if you don't like the idea of them having to deal with homesickness, then you will not be able to leave them for a while. I could see waiting for a child who is only 3. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I agree with City Mouse. No more night phone calls as it just reinforces the homesickness (this is why summer camps won't allow it). I am of the opinion that if kids have a safe place to stay overnight with trusted adults, then is a good thing to go away over night. I think that mom and dad need time away to strengthen their marriage and recharge. The kids might miss you and it might be rough but the less of a big deal you make about it or show them your concern, the better they will be with it. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scoutingmom Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I've been a scout leader and a girl guide leader for years. Homesickness happens. As long as the family is ready to keep them busy it will be fine. Bedtime is the worst time for ir.... they should be ready to read them stories or something until they sleep. Picking them up, unless they are truly sick, just makes it worse next time. But when they wake up the next morning after staying the night, they have that pride at having conquered. Sent from my SM-T530NU using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I wouldn't go but I was that kid so... If you want to go through with it the people babysitting are really the opinions you need: do they want to deal with it? What's their plan? etc. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 :crying: That's my first thought. Even more so for my ds who handles it even worse... or at least he did. Ugh... but dh and I really need this. We've never gone anywhere alone together. Never. Not even a honeymoon. Wahhhhh I don't know what to do. But do you need to go now, or can it wait until your kids are a little older? I hate to say this because I know you are excited about the trip, but I wouldn't go. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I think you are going to have to decide what is important to you. It is kind of like the difference between making kids sleep in their own room or bed every night vs. kids and parents sleeping together. If it is important to you to get away without the kids, then it can be done. It sounds like you have family you can really trust with them. Then I would not let the kids call home at night. Bedtime is the hardest time for homesickness and the phone calls just reinforce their bad feelings. Yes, the kids may be sad, but they will live. If migraines are a real problem for your DD p, have a plan in place a head of time as to what they will do if she gets one. Send medicine for the headache and tums or pesto bismol for the stomach ache. Grandma can call you if something serious is wrong and let the kids call you in the morning when you can remind them of all the fun things they will do with grandma that day. Stop picking them up in the middle of the night just because they miss you. (Note- this would not apply if they are really sick or if you are concerned about safety). On the other hand, if you don't like the idea of them having to deal with homesickness, then you will not be able to leave them for a while. I could see waiting for a child who is only 3. I disagree. I think the worst thing you can do is to not let a kid call home at night. It can make a child feel abandoned, upset, and hurt, and I think it is a terribly mean thing for a parent to do. I also think if a child is upset, the parents should go and pick her up. Again, children need to feel that they can trust their parents to be there for them when they are upset. I don't think it is helpful to basically tell a traumatized child to suck it up and deal with it. I believe it is better to go and pick the child up, and then wait a while before trying another overnight visit. Not all children do well with staying overnight without a parent present. Different kids are comfortable with it at different ages, and I don't think there is any need to force a child to stay overnight -- even with Grandma -- if the child is uncomfortable about it. I also think that even if the child insists she will be fine and then ends up wanting to go home, it is far better to go and pick her up and act like it's no big deal that she prefers to be at home, than to have that child upset all night and have it be a terrible experience she remembers for a long time to come. An 8yo and a 3yo are still very young, so I wouldn't leave them unless I was sure they would be fine. (I also wouldn't want to put poor Grandma and Grandpa through the stress of possibly having two crying, upset children to deal with at bedtime, with no way for Mrs Hound or her dh to go and pick them up.) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSmomof2 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 When our dc were younger, and even now most of the time, we leave them with grandma around lunch time, spend the day together and pick them up around 10 pm. We get to enjoy time together, and no homesickness to worry about (or cranky kids the next day that didn't sleep well away from home). Dh and I haven't been away overnight together since before we had kids, so 12 years, and we're ok with it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Is there anything cool or special in the area that you and DH could do without the kids? Maybe you and your DH could have family watch the kids during the day for two days while you spent the time together, even get a hotel, but come home for nighttime routine and bedtime then leave once they are asleep? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaOfalotta Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 Thanks everyone for the replies. So, this September is our 9th anniversary. We had plans to go away for a full week on the honeymoon-we-never-had-trip for our 10th anniversary. As glorious as that sounds, I know I couldn't do it so we planned instead to have a family trip to Disney. So this is our compromise. Two nights at a hotel we have wanted to stay in for yeeeeears. I hate to think of them being sad, but I also believe in taking time for your marriage-which we never do. We average one dinner date a year, usually on our anniversary, and sometimes we don't even get that. A few years I think we had a kid with us for it, too. So this is long overdue. We have made the reservations. We have already told them we are going. Dd asked if theres anything I can think of to help her in case she gets that way at bedtime. (It's always just at bedtime.) I was looking for maybe some tips in that area? I don't know if phone calls and pictures would make it worse (I would think so..) but we will definitely still call and check in throughout the day. I was thinking little presents for them to open when they are feeling sad, just to distract them. Here's the thing. Dd used to spend the night with my mom and my MIL all the time and never had an issue. I was planning on her being able to help ds if he gets sad. I don't know what I'll do but I plan to go (so far anyway) and was just looking for some tips to help? Ugh, I don't know. My nerves are getting worked up and its still a couple months away. Who knows, it may all be fine!? :crying: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
City Mouse Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 As far as tips, the best thing is for grandma to keep them as busy as possible, and have plenty of things planned so that she always has another fun thing in the works when they start to feel sad. Maybe have a new movie or two that they could watch at bedtime. Favorite stuffed animals from home or special stuff that is just at grandma's house. When you do call, don't talk about what you are doing that could make them feel like they are missing out. Talk about all the things they are going to do. Give them a specific time that you will return, or as specific as you can. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 You might want to decide a time (or two or four) to call that she can count on. And don't call any other time. Your family will call you if it's important. You don't want her sitting by the phone all day afraid she might miss a call. Acknowledge you will miss each other but that it's a short time and she will be with family who love her. And quit talking about it...she doesn't need your anxiety for the summer. ;) . If you are going to cancel - which is also fine - cancel now and be done with it. No reason to have everyone crazed all summer. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Truthfully, I wouldn't even call. Dh and I don't get away very often, but that's mostly because the grandparents are too far away or are handicapped. We did get to go away overnight a few years ago when dh earned his master's degree. When we found out what time in the morning he had to line up for commencement, we decided that there was no point in taking dc with us. It would have been a disaster. We enjoyed the time away and we knew that dc were fine. The folks taking care of dc had our phone number/contact info, so that they could contact us if needed. Iirc, we had no contact with dc from the time we left until we got back. I think it is easier (for everyone) this way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Really really don't call, go!!!! Enjoy yourselves. They'll be fine!!! It'll be very good for them to realize that it's actually ok to feel sad and miss you, but that you know they are safe and there is nothing you need to "save" them from. I think running over to get them actually could send the wrong message that they are right to be upset? Prepare them as much as you can, have them pick out a special new game or toy to take over there, make sure they have any 'comfort' items, and tell them that you won't be calling, and you'll be home on 'X' day. Tell them they'll get a special treat (from wherever you're going to be) when you get back. Make it a big adventure. Have every confidence that they'll be fine. From what I've seen, kids don't get over the homesick thing if the parents rescue them or are hesitant/scared to let them go. They pick up on that stuff..... 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSmomof2 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Agree not to call, especially in the evening. Save any calls for the morning. For my dc, opening gifts from us if we were gone would cause more homesickness. Have grandma have some really fun things to do and keep them busy, so they'll be tired. And, if necessary, I would have grandma give dd a melatonin before bed. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 That's hard. Homesickness does tend to hit at night when they have time to dwell on the thoughts of not being home. During the day they tend to be kept busy. What I have done for mine (we have had times of hospitalizations in mental health where not only could I not go get them, but I was not allowed to see them either, and sleep away summer camps where I do not hear from them all week). I made them a little photo album with a couple pictures of me, the siblings, etc. I always included a paper that says I love you with a lipstick kiss on it. WHenever they go lonely for home they could flip through the album and it helped. My older liked to phone each night to say goodnight, and talk about their day. My youngest does better with a morning phone call, if we talk at night she gets too upset. She just spent 4 nights with her cousin, and is coming today with the grandparents to pick up the rest of the kids and then will be gone for 2 weeks. I will not be picking up anyone early. My youngest has the most bouts of homesickness, but she has stuck it out more often than not (only once she begged for me to pick her up early, she had been gone for 3 weeks at that point, within 5 minutes of picking her up she was crying to go back, she just wanted a hug from me). It is hard, but I would do MORE sleepovers between now and then, and have her stick them out, so she can see she is just fine when away from you. It is 1 night, and if you are picking up at breakfast not that long. Build up how long she stays until she can handle it and then go enjoy your trip. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hjffkj Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 My parents deal with the night time homesickness by letting the kids fall asleep watching tv. For the most part it doesn't happen but my 2 year old is at that age where he wants us at night. When he starts getting sleepy and asking for me and starts to get upset my dad just cuddles him in front of his favorite shows and tells him he can either see us in the morning or call us. I believe this works so well because when we are with my parents during the day they will comfort my kids if something happens while I'm not in the room instead of having my kids search for me for comfort or bringing them to me. So if 2 year old scrapes his knee while outside with my mom she will hold him and bring him in to wash the wound and such instead of her bringing him home so I can make everything better. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaOfalotta Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 Thank you so much for all of the replies! I didn't see them until now. I feel better with more people saying I should go, because I really am determined to do it. They are staying with my MIL this Saturday as a test, which ends up being a date night for dh and I! We never, ever, ever have date night! I'm thrilled! I AM a little worried that it will go terribly and then I'll be even more anxious over September. I talked with dd and told her sometimes it helps if you have to be strong for someone else. Like maybe if she focused on helping ds not be homesick and talking to him when he's sad (really being the "big sister") it may help her. I really think it will help her based on her personality. I am already starting to plan things for them to do in September :willy_nilly: I figure the first night they can open a movie and snacks... and the second night can be a toy for each. MIL always has a lot for dd to do. They sew and make projects. I still worry about ds but when I talk to him about it he sounds excited. I try to really amp him up for staying with Nina. Seems to be working. I know I'm freaking out over it, but I will feel horrible if ds melts down. Dd will upset me too, but she's old enough to know when to expect us back, etc. Hopefully all will go well this weekend. My best friend also suggested trying it again a couple more times before we leave. I just feel like it's a lot to ask dhs mom to keep them overnight that much. We never have babysitters so this seems like asking a lot. My mind doesn't even know how to process the possibility of more date nights! :confused: :eek: :001_tt1: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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