Homeschooling a child with anxiety.

[Guest lalobear]

Hello everyone. I joined this forum because I will be homeschooling my 12 year old son in September.  He has always been an anxious child but this year his anxiety hit a new high and it became debilitating.  He was unable to attend school for the last three months of the school year.  He has terrible self esteem as a result of being around high achieving children who are pushed to the extreme to do well by their parents. He has been seeing a child psychologist who says that homeschooling an anxious child is a bad idea.  She believes his anxiety will get much worse to the point where he may become unable to leave the house.  She wants us to put him on medication like Prozac or Zoloft and do exposure therapy to get him back in school, even if it's a different school.  I am so scared to do the wrong thing for my son.  Have any of you had a similar scenario? 

[momof4babes]

My daughter had increasing anxiety at school.

 

She was having meltdowns, and hiding under her desk. It was bad to the point that her teacher told me she would be unable to go on a field trip without a parent.

I brought her home in Grade 4, and things have gotten much better. While her anxiety isn't completely gone, it is 90% better. Her academics that were being completely lost are also greatly improved. I would try homeschool before medication.

[*Lulu*]

First, (((hugs))) because dealing with health issues is difficult.

 

Second, I would make sure the therapist understands that homeschool doesn't have to look like never leaving the house. See if she will work with you to create a list of places that will allow your son to deal with anxiety exposure in a manageable way, while allowing his learning enviroment to be about learning.

 

I have a son with anxiety issues related to high functioning autism and homeschooling has been good for us. But what I hear in your post is the worry of a mother. Listen to what the professionals are telling you. Listen to what your child is telling you. Listen to your intuition and make your choice. No one is going to be as invested in your son's sucess and health as you are which, when you are armed with information, makes YOU the expert uniquely qualified to make this choice. There are no perfect choices in parenting. There is just doing the best you can for the situation you're in. Again, (((hugs))) because this is hard.

 

You also might post on the learning challenges board; there are a lot of BTDT posters who may be able to give you the ideas and support you need but don't always check the chat board.

[Farrar]

I homeschool an anxious kid. He's always been homeschooled.

 

I wouldn't continue to see a psychologist who was generally anti-homeschooling. You want someone who can be honest with you if your homeschooling isn't working, but homeschooling does help some kids with anxiety and you haven't even started yet, so what does she know. If you can, I'd look for someone else. There are many therapists and psychologists who don't have a prejudice against homeschooling.

 

I think you don't know now how homeschooling is going to affect his anxiety. It could get better, or worse, or worse for awhile then better, or better for awhile then worse... I would personally want to wait and see on meds, but that's me. Meds can be good, however, my limited understanding was that the two you mention aren't great for adolescents.

 

No matter what, you want to have strategies for dealing with his anxiety going forward. Good luck. And hugs to you. I hope that homeschooling helps.

[Slipper]

We pulled our youngest out of school to homeschool due to severe anxiety. Things became better, but she still needs medication to control the anxiety. Don't be afraid of medication (though obviously not the first step!) or to change doctors. :) 

[Tiramisu]

I agree that you really need to find a professional to work with who is not anti-homeschooling.

 

My oldest had very serious anxiety. She did much better while hsing, even socially. We joined a coop. In the beginning, she was so nervous she would throw up on the way. Then she met friends there who were very good to her and it really boosted her self-esteem and confidence. Eventually, when nearly an adult, she asked one of the specialists she was seeing for medication for her anxiety. Once I saw how much it helped her, I really regretted waiting so long.

 

I put one child with depression in school. It helped in the short term. I have started to have doubts whether it was the best thing long-term.

 

My youngest is dealing with anxiety now, and I'm not sure how to handle it. We've tried specialists but she's not cooperative. We just did bloodwork to rule out physical issues. I am pro-medication but I believe it's important to rule out medical causes. 

 

For my youngest, I am seeing a therapist who really thinks hsing is great, while being realistic about the difficulties. She's been a wonderful support to me as I sort out the options for the future. She has clearly said that she doesn't think public school is a good choice for many reasons. My oldest daughter's therapist was also pro-hsing, so I know there are better options for you.

[wapiti]

I agree with the others that a new psych is probably in order.  On the surface, it seems to make sense to consider meds when something like anxiety is interfering to such an extent with one's daily life.  On the other hand, costs and benefits must be weighed and in some cases it may make more sense to homeschool to lessen the anxiety, to avoid or even merely to put off meds for a while.  I agree with the others on avoiding the anxiety-triggering situation (school) at least while getting things sorted out.

 

Something additional to consider if there are other symptoms present (e.g., urinary issues, insomnia, dilated pupils, sudden increase in the anxiety) is PANS/PANDAS.  Refusal/inability to go to school is not uncommon in PANDAS world.  I could go on but I'll leave it at that.

[Tiramisu]

I agree with the others that a new psych is probably in order.  On the surface, it seems to make sense to consider meds when something like anxiety is interfering to such an extent with one's daily life.  On the other hand, costs and benefits must be weighed and in some cases it may make more sense to homeschool to lessen the anxiety, to avoid or even merely to put off meds for a while.  I agree with the others on avoiding the anxiety-triggering situation (school) at least while getting things sorted out.

 

Something additional to consider if there are other symptoms present (e.g., urinary issues, insomnia, dilated pupils, sudden increase in the anxiety) is PANS/PANDAS.  Refusal/inability to go to school is not uncommon in PANDAS world.  I could go on but I'll leave it at that.

 

The bloodwork we had showed dd9 probably had mono in the last several months. Mono is on the list for PANS.

[wapiti]

The bloodwork we had showed dd9 probably had mono in the last several months. Mono is on the list for PANS.

 

oops, I cross-posted to you on another thread.  Well, this is definitely food for thought, though unfortunately it can get complicated...

[ktgrok]

Hello everyone. I joined this forum because I will be homeschooling my 12 year old son in September.  He has always been an anxious child but this year his anxiety hit a new high and it became debilitating.  He was unable to attend school for the last three months of the school year.  He has terrible self esteem as a result of being around high achieving children who are pushed to the extreme to do well by their parents. He has been seeing a child psychologist who says that homeschooling an anxious child is a bad idea.  She believes his anxiety will get much worse to the point where he may become unable to leave the house.  She wants us to put him on medication like Prozac or Zoloft and do exposure therapy to get him back in school, even if it's a different school.  I am so scared to do the wrong thing for my son.  Have any of you had a similar scenario? 

 

Your psych doesn't seem to understand that repeated exposure can be sensitizing, not desensitizing, as you have experienced. It makes way more sense to back off, let his brain chemicals calm down over a period of time with no exposure, then GRADUALLY increase exposure to new things. Like you can do homeschooling. Putting him back in PS would be more like flooding, which I hugely disagree with. 

[sbgrace]

:grouphug: I'm sorry he's suffered.

 

I homeschool a child with  severe anxiety when it's untreated (debilitating OCD). 

A good therapist will be able to develop exposure within a homeschooling environment. I would switch therapists. The OCD foundation online has provider lists with good cognitive behavior therapists who would be able to develop with exposure plans. Medication is often necessary for anxiety, but I do understand the hesitation. I am using some  natural stuff with research basis for my son. If you would like to know possible supplement options (NAC, Inositol, theanine...all available OTC and with pediatric published trials), please private message me. I'll let you know what I researched/know.

[MomatHWTK]

I would say, if the plan is just to remove the stimulus (school) without seeking to remediate the anxiety then it is a bad idea.  You are protecting the child but not helping him to overcome or adjust to the problem.  I do homeschool and my child has anxiety, but we have been working for years bit by bit to help him work through the issue and medication plays a big role in that work.  The influx of hormones at your son's age were a major tipping point for us.  There's just so much one little body and mind can handle at a time. 

 

In my experience, if the impression that the professionals are getting is that you will just protect your child from everything without pushing him to improve, then they are going to react negatively.  You have to demonstrate that you are actually willing to make some hard decisions to help your child grow.  Otherwise, the professionals really can't help you much.  :grouphug:

 

ETA:  If you look for a new therapist, try to find one that has on site social skils groups- even if just a few times a year.  Your child might not be ready for them right away, but a well-run weekly meeting with kids with similar issues can help a lot during the teen years. 

[Guest lalobear]

Thank you all for your replies! It is all very helpful. We are very fearful of making a wrong decision that will impact his life in a bad way. We are feeling tremendous pressure to sort this out by September for the new school year. The psychologist wants him on meds now so she can get better compliance from him come September. She feels we have protected him too much thus far but my instincts as a mother tell me he was being pushed too far. I saw a child who was breaking down. Maybe if he was on the meds he would cope better but I just didn't want to go down that road..at least not yet. I am considering part time at school and part time at home with the possibility of meds...maybe meds..still not sure on that one. What do you all think?

[ktgrok]

I think you should get the anxiety under control in the home setting and say, the grocery store, playground, movie theater before moving on to having him attend school. Get it under control when you are with him before trying to have him deal with it away from you. Continue therapy with a psychologist (not psychiatrist) in the meantime. 

[maize]

I have an anxious child who has never been to school. Homeschooling has allowed us to help her develop her ability to cope with and engage the outside world in a way that works for her and is not overwhelming. These days she spends up to twenty hours a week away from home, engaging in activities (mostly a sport) of her choice.

 

A healthy outlook on and ability to cope with life is the goal, not a return to age-normative school entry.

 

Medications are sometimes necessary, don't be afraid of using a tool that can promote healing of the brain.

[MomatHWTK]

I absolutely could not function without medication for anxiety.  It is just a fact.  I understand putting things off as long as possible, but there are limits to what one can do without the right tools. 

[Corraleno]

Thank you all for your replies! It is all very helpful. We are very fearful of making a wrong decision that will impact his life in a bad way. We are feeling tremendous pressure to sort this out by September for the new school year. The psychologist wants him on meds now so she can get better compliance from him come September. She feels we have protected him too much thus far but my instincts as a mother tell me he was being pushed too far. I saw a child who was breaking down. Maybe if he was on the meds he would cope better but I just didn't want to go down that road..at least not yet. I am considering part time at school and part time at home with the possibility of meds...maybe meds..still not sure on that one. What do you all think?

 

So she's already decided, because of her own bias, that homeschooling can't possibly work, and she's pressuring you to hurry up and medicate him so she can see if the meds will mask the symptoms enough that he can be immediately thrown back into the situation that completely debilitated him? I would definitely be looking for a new psychologist.

 

You can't know if homeschooling will work until you try it. I have a super anxious kid who had almost completely shut down in PS, before I pulled him out to homeschool. It did not make him more withdrawn or less able to cope; it gave him the breathing space he needed to deal with his issues — with the bonus of giving him a much better education than he was getting in school. In your shoes, I would absolutely try homeschooling. In fact, now is an ideal time to try it out, because it gives you a couple of years before high school to work on the anxiety in a low-stress situation, when grades don't "count," so you can make a smart, informed decision about the best route for high school. 

 

I would look for a new therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and I would remain open to the possibility of short-term use of meds in conjunction with the therapy. I would also have bloodwork done to rule out obvious medical issues and to look at things like B12 and D3 levels. (My son's D3 levels were single digits at one point.) IME, the hormonal roller coaster of puberty can push anxiety through the roof, and meds can actually be very helpful in smoothing that out while a child learns the coping skills needed to manage the anxiety. What I would absolutely not do is allow a biased therapist to bully me into making choices that I didn't feel were in the best interests of my child. 

 

:grouphug:

[Terabith]

I highly recommend both a more pro-homeschooling therapist and meds.  I cannot tell you the difference medication made to my daughter with severe anxiety. 

[Spring Flower]

My child was much younger (age 4) when her anxiety made it impossible for her to attend a 3 days a week, 2 hours a day, play based pre-school. The teacher was amazing, the kids were kind and friendly, it was a great preschool! I struggled and struggled and struggled with the idea of pulling her out and finally did so in February of that year. The immediate relief was obvious and over time she has made steady improvement. She isn't 100% but I work with her almost everyday to help her see the world in a positive way and to face fears. I'm able to push her at just the right level to help her with out overwhelming her. I don't have plans to put her in public school but I know that now at almost age 8, she would probably do fine in a regular classroom. I'm so glad I had the courage to take that first step. 

[Catwoman]

Thank you all for your replies! It is all very helpful. We are very fearful of making a wrong decision that will impact his life in a bad way. We are feeling tremendous pressure to sort this out by September for the new school year. The psychologist wants him on meds now so she can get better compliance from him come September. She feels we have protected him too much thus far but my instincts as a mother tell me he was being pushed too far. I saw a child who was breaking down. Maybe if he was on the meds he would cope better but I just didn't want to go down that road..at least not yet. I am considering part time at school and part time at home with the possibility of meds...maybe meds..still not sure on that one. What do you all think?

I think you are putting way too much stock in what the psychologist is telling you.

 

I understand that you are very worried and that you are afraid of making a bad decision that will hurt your son. It makes sense that you want to trust "the professional," because she is holding herself up as an expert.

 

The thing is, who knows your son better -- you or the psychologist?

 

Obviously, you know him better. She has a very obvious agenda, which is to keep your son in public school. But from what you have posted, it sounds like homeschooling would be a far better option for him because the major cause of his anxiety would be eliminated. Public school will always be available to him, so no matter what the school or the psychologist are telling you, any decision you make does not have to be permanent. If you think homeschooling might alleviate his anxiety and suffering, there is absolutely no downside to trying it.

 

My best advice to you would be to tell you to walk away from this psychologist and make the decision to homeschool your son in September. Take the summer off and enjoy being a family together. Start looking around for local homeschool groups if you think your son will want to make new friends. In September, start slowly with school subjects and make the majority of it as stress-free as possible, doing a lot of easy review work for a while until he develops some confidence, and then very gradually adding a bit more challenge. If, after a few months of homeschooling, you think your son still needs some professional counseling, you can find a new counselor at that time.

 

Don't worry about not knowing how or what to teach him -- that's where all of us can help you. :)

 

Many, many of the families here have anxious children, so you will not be alone and you will be able to get all the advice you need.

 

Try not to worry too much. You can do this, and your son will be just fine. I know it must seem overwhelming right now, but it's not. Take it a day at a time and try to get out of making any over-achiever comparisons in your mind. Your son has years and years to learn everything he needs to know, so the important thing right now is his emotional health. The challenging education part can take a backseat for a while!

 

I'm glad you joined this forum -- please feel free to start as many threads as you like, because we want you to be comfortable here and we really do want to help you in any way we can.

[HSmomof2]

So she's already decided, because of her own bias, that homeschooling can't possibly work, and she's pressuring you to hurry up and medicate him so she can see if the meds will mask the symptoms enough that he can be immediately thrown back into the situation that completely debilitated him? I would definitely be looking for a new psychologist.

 

You can't know if homeschooling will work until you try it. I have a super anxious kid who had almost completely shut down in PS, before I pulled him out to homeschool. It did not make him more withdrawn or less able to cope; it gave him the breathing space he needed to deal with his issues — with the bonus of giving him a much better education than he was getting in school. In your shoes, I would absolutely try homeschooling. In fact, now is an ideal time to try it out, because it gives you a couple of years before high school to work on the anxiety in a low-stress situation, when grades don't "count," so you can make a smart, informed decision about the best route for high school.

 

I would look for a new therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and I would remain open to the possibility of short-term use of meds in conjunction with the therapy. I would also have bloodwork done to rule out obvious medical issues and to look at things like B12 and D3 levels. (My son's D3 levels were single digits at one point.) IME, the hormonal roller coaster of puberty can push anxiety through the roof, and meds can actually be very helpful in smoothing that out while a child learns the coping skills needed to manage the anxiety. What I would absolutely not do is allow a biased therapist to bully me into making choices that I didn't feel were in the best interests of my child.

 

:grouphug:

 

Edited September 30, 2017 by Bethany Grace

[Farrar]

Thank you all for your replies! It is all very helpful. We are very fearful of making a wrong decision that will impact his life in a bad way. We are feeling tremendous pressure to sort this out by September for the new school year. The psychologist wants him on meds now so she can get better compliance from him come September. She feels we have protected him too much thus far but my instincts as a mother tell me he was being pushed too far. I saw a child who was breaking down. Maybe if he was on the meds he would cope better but I just didn't want to go down that road..at least not yet. I am considering part time at school and part time at home with the possibility of meds...maybe meds..still not sure on that one. What do you all think?

 

Beginning homeschooling is stressful and scary for most people, but this is a concerning statement. The whole point of homeschooling is that you get to step off the pressure train. Just stop. If the entire year is spent on figuring out his anxiety and getting him to feel comfortable again and no significant learning takes place, that's okay. That's why you're doing this.

 

The statement "compliance" is also just uncomfortable to me. I mean, maybe this is a clinical term and I'm just not getting it, but that really rubs me the wrong way. He's struggling through anxiety and it makes it sound like the psych is more concerned with him doing what *she* wants, not whatever is right for him.

[Catwoman]

Beginning homeschooling is stressful and scary for most people, but this is a concerning statement. The whole point of homeschooling is that you get to step off the pressure train. Just stop. If the entire year is spent on figuring out his anxiety and getting him to feel comfortable again and no significant learning takes place, that's okay. That's why you're doing this.

 

The statement "compliance" is also just uncomfortable to me. I mean, maybe this is a clinical term and I'm just not getting it, but that really rubs me the wrong way. He's struggling through anxiety and it makes it sound like the psych is more concerned with him doing what *she* wants, not whatever is right for him.

:iagree:

 

It sounds to me like the psychologist wants lalobear's son to fit her specific definition of "normal" at any cost. In her mind, normal kids go to public school and are not homeschooled. I find that line of thinking to be very narrowminded, as well as extremely unhealthy for her patients who don't fit into her tidy little mold.

 

I agree that the priority is helping her son deal with his anxiety, and that even if he accomplishes very little academically this school year, it will certainly not be the end of the world. He is still only 12 and he has years to learn what he needs to know. And really, nothing says he won't end up way ahead of the game academically this year anyway if he is homeschooled, because the major source of his anxiety (public school) will be gone and he will probably be able to concentrate more effectively and learn more easily at home without all the stress of formal tests and competition with other students.

 

I don't believe homeschooling is the best choice for every child, but I do believe it is the best choice for lalobear's son. It would seem to be the perfect option for him.

[PollyOR]

My daughter was always homeschooled.   She had a combination of depression and anxiety which we finally got help for when she was 12.  We tried medication (two years?  Never found a good fit) for the depression but I think attending sessions with a cognitive behavioral therapist (Dr.) was the most helpful.  Just so you know, it wasn't a quick fix.  We attended counseling together for about five years before my daughter finally felt she didn't need counseling anymore.  She currently uses public transportation and attends community college full time.  

 

There is hope. :)

 

edited to add:  The reason I mention public transportation is because this child wouldn't even go down a grocery aisle by herself.  Using public transportation by herself on a daily basis shows how far she has come.  

[Catwoman]

Giving this thread a bump so hopefully our new forum member will get some more advice and ideas.

 

Welcome, lalobear! :)

[Guest lalobear]

I'm overwhelmed by how awesome all of you are!!! I have tears in my eyes because you all really understand. This has been a most difficult year but you are all giving me so much hope. Just from reading these forums it has already become clearer and clearer what makes sense. Thank you again!

[Joker]

For us, our dd needs to stay in school. Her anxieties are only with her peers and every single therapist we've been to has said she needs to stick it out or it will just continue to come back. We've switched schools and she has started fresh once at a whole new school. She is on medication, in therapy, and will be returning to school this fall. I'm not sure if it's right but even the therapists who have zero issue with home schooling feel it is important for her to do. She's a perfectionist and she also feels it's important for her to. Anxieties differ greatly and I honestly don't think anyone here can tell you what is right for your specific child. If you have doubts, find a new therapist.

 

 

ETA: My dd was home schooled for several years. I thought things were better but as soon as she was put into a situation with a large group of her peers she had issues again. We were just masking the issues.

[Corraleno]

ETA: My dd was home schooled for several years. I thought things were better but as soon as she was put into a situation with a large group of her peers she had issues again. We were just masking the issues.

 

This may not apply to your DD, but for many kids with anxiety issues, a combination of homeschooling plus extracurricular activities with peers can work really well to help overcome social anxiety without the complications added by the academic and peer pressure of public school.

 

For example, my son did HS Chemistry and Chess Club last year at an excellent co-op, where he had a peer group of kids who were smart, kind, and thoughtful — no bullying, no pressure. Sports has been another great outlet for him. The first time we went to Tae Kwon Do, he was in tears and begged not to stay. I persuaded him to sign up for a super-beginner class one night/wk, and he gradually got used to that, then we started going 2-3 nights/wk and he moved up a few levels. He was still nervous, but by then he really liked the activity so he was motivated to push himself and to try to manage his anxiety. Two-and-a-half years ago, we switched to fencing, and he currently spends 20 hrs/wk at the club, where on any given night there are 30-40 athletes and an equal number of family and staff. He is relaxed and comfortable there, although still anxious and perfectionist about his fencing. Last week he was at Nationals, competing against some of the best fencers in the country, with hundreds of people watching and cheering. 

 

Homeschooling definitely doesn't have to mean little to no peer interaction. There are lots of ways to help kids work through social anxiety issues, while separating out both the academics and the undesirable aspects of schooling (bullying, peer pressure, backbiting/gossip, etc).

[JonesinIndiana]

I agree with finding a new psychologist that is more homeschool friendly.

 

Try to connect with other homeschool families in your area, in a non stressful atmosphere. Maybe a field trip to a museum or a park?

 

Decide not to do 'school at home' but do homeschool. There is a difference. 😉

 

 

I have a dd that has anxiety. We've been able to address most of her issues without medication. One thing that helped with her inability of falling asleep was to get some essential oils she rubs on her feet before she goes to bed. (I don't sell EO, just took a suggestion from a friend that used them. We've been a satisfied customer for almost a year.)

 

There are a lot of BTDT parents on this forum with good advice.

[poppy]

Please consider medicating your son.   SSRIs have profoundly changed my life for the better, and I regret the years I could have taken them, but did not.  I thought it would change my personality....but instead, it took away the troll who was sitting on my brain telling me horrible things, all day, every day.  Only after that did I have a chance to  really live like a normal person, and to realize how bad it was before. 

 

Anxiety, once it long-term and debilitating, is a medical condition, not a character flaw.

 

 

[Joker]

This may not apply to your DD, but for many kids with anxiety issues, a combination of homeschooling plus extracurricular activities with peers can work really well to help overcome social anxiety without the complications added by the academic and peer pressure of public school.

 

For example, my son did HS Chemistry and Chess Club last year at an excellent co-op, where he had a peer group of kids who were smart, kind, and thoughtful — no bullying, no pressure. Sports has been another great outlet for him. The first time we went to Tae Kwon Do, he was in tears and begged not to stay. I persuaded him to sign up for a super-beginner class one night/wk, and he gradually got used to that, then we started going 2-3 nights/wk and he moved up a few levels. He was still nervous, but by then he really liked the activity so he was motivated to push himself and to try to manage his anxiety. Two-and-a-half years ago, we switched to fencing, and he currently spends 20 hrs/wk at the club, where on any given night there are 30-40 athletes and an equal number of family and staff. He is relaxed and comfortable there, although still anxious and perfectionist about his fencing. Last week he was at Nationals, competing against some of the best fencers in the country, with hundreds of people watching and cheering.

 

Homeschooling definitely doesn't have to mean little to no peer interaction. There are lots of ways to help kids work through social anxiety issues, while separating out both the academics and the undesirable aspects of schooling (bullying, peer pressure, backbiting/gossip, etc).

We were in activities with other teens. She's not bullied or picked on in school either. Academically, she enjoys the challenges and most of her teachers. It just has to do with the setting and amount of students. All the therapists we've seen worry about college and beyond if she doesn't push through this and figure out a way to deal with it. I just wanted to point out not all anxieties are alike and sometimes school is a good choice. I think it will be in the long term for my dd.

[poppy]

We were in activities with other teens. She's not bullied or picked on in school either. Academically, she enjoys the challenges and most of her teachers. It just has to do with the setting and amount of students. All the therapists we've seen worry about college and beyond if she doesn't push through this and figure out a way to deal with it. I just wanted to point out not all anxieties are alike and sometimes school is a good choice. I think it will be in the long term for my dd.

 

A big part of social anxiety that is obsessing over perceived failures.  Being pulled from school entirely can reinforce that sense of inadequacy.  Not always, of course, but it is a risk.  Avoiding triggers is not an effective treatment for anxiety*- you have to learn to cope by changing thought patterns.

 

*Just to be clear, jumping into stressful situations is also not an effective treatment for anxiety!

[Guest UniquelyMe32258]

I adopted a child with severe PTSD and Anxiety among a list of other medical issues.  I tried public school for kinder & first grade.  It was a mess.  My social worker encouraged me from before she stared kindergarten to homeschool.  I finally pulled her out and it has been such a wonderful thing for us.  We found a homeschool playgroup that accepts kids no matter what, age.  It was a very large group, and we went every chance we had.  For a long time she would sit with me and watch, then she started playing near the other kids, and eventually she would play with some.  Now she plays with most of the kids, but sometimes she pulls back and sits on the sidelines.  She needed the gift of time, and people who didn't push her to be anything but her true self.  It has made her life much better and she is a happier child.  I've actually asked about going back to school for middle school and she says no.  So we do what works for us.  That's the thing about families, there is no one size fits all, and if homeschool works for your family, your therapist should have your back.  If she just can't do it, then maybe it's time for a new therapist. 

[Tiramisu]

We were in activities with other teens. She's not bullied or picked on in school either. Academically, she enjoys the challenges and most of her teachers. It just has to do with the setting and amount of students. All the therapists we've seen worry about college and beyond if she doesn't push through this and figure out a way to deal with it. I just wanted to point out not all anxieties are alike and sometimes school is a good choice. I think it will be in the long term for my dd.

 

I had many express the same concern about my oldest dd who was homeschooled from sixth grade through twelfth grade. I got it from neighbors. I got dire predictions about her future from another homeschool mom friend, which were devastating. I saw it written in her medical records. I worried about it myself. But my dd couldn't have made a better transition moving away to college. I think it really helped that she was in a small program in a small college. Because of the nature of her program, she was with people with the same interests most of the day. Her program is so intense, she can only come home twice a semester, and she has become very independent. She knows her limits when it comes to social interaction and finds ways to accommodate and cope.

 

Nearly everyone in my family has some degree of sensory processing disorder and that is highly correlated with anxiety. I recently watched a video on youtube by Amethyst Schaber on SPD, and I think it could be very helpful for people with social anxiety, too. It's also worth watching her autistic burnout video because I think the points can be applied to many people with social anxiety regardless of whether they are on the spectrum or not. 

[maize]

I personally found college to be very different from and, for me, much less overwhelming than high school. For one thing I was not in classes all day without a break. I might have three or four classes in a day, two in the morning and one in the afternoon. I had much more control over my schedule and, as an introvert, much more access to time alone to rejuvenate. I am not at all sure that a child's ability to successfully navigate high school and their ability to successfully navigate college are necessarily correlated.

[HSmomof2]

I personally found college to be very different from and, for me, much less overwhelming than high school. For one thing I was not in classes all day without a break. I might have three or four classes in a day, two in the morning and one in the afternoon. I had much more control over my schedule and, as an introvert, much more access to time alone to rejuvenate. I am not at all sure that a child's ability to successfully navigate high school and their ability to successfully navigate college are necessarily correlated.

 

 

Edited September 30, 2017 by Bethany Grace

[kbutton]

I think you've gotten great advice, but if you pursue a peak at possible underlying medical issues (as others have said), keep celiac disease/gluten intolerance in mind. It can cause anxiety. I don't say that as an anti-meds person but as a "look under every rock" option.

 

Best wishes as you decide how to handle things. Anxiety is a [insert whatever colorful word you like]. 

[Catwoman]

I adopted a child with severe PTSD and Anxiety among a list of other medical issues. I tried public school for kinder & first grade. It was a mess. My social worker encouraged me from before she stared kindergarten to homeschool. I finally pulled her out and it has been such a wonderful thing for us. We found a homeschool playgroup that accepts kids no matter what, age. It was a very large group, and we went every chance we had. For a long time she would sit with me and watch, then she started playing near the other kids, and eventually she would play with some. Now she plays with most of the kids, but sometimes she pulls back and sits on the sidelines. She needed the gift of time, and people who didn't push her to be anything but her true self. It has made her life much better and she is a happier child. I've actually asked about going back to school for middle school and she says no. So we do what works for us. That's the thing about families, there is no one size fits all, and if homeschool works for your family, your therapist should have your back. If she just can't do it, then maybe it's time for a new therapist.

Welcome to the forum, UniquelyMe! :)

[OneStepAtATime]

I'm overwhelmed by how awesome all of you are!!! I have tears in my eyes because you all really understand. This has been a most difficult year but you are all giving me so much hope. Just from reading these forums it has already become clearer and clearer what makes sense. Thank you again!

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

You are on a challenging journey.  You have had some great advice from parents who have been where you are.  I, too, highly recommend finding another professional to help you with your child.  I made the mistake for far too long of listening to those who said they had my kids' best interests at heart.  Lots of impressive degrees tacked onto their names.  But they only saw a very narrow world and were completely unwilling and unable to see other possible paths.  We waited far, far too long to change paths.  Homeschooling was part of that new path and I am grateful.  It has not solved every issue, but we are in a much better place than we were before.

 

In other words, homeschooling is not a cure all for anxiety but it absolutely may help buy you time to find a better path for your child.  If the professional you are seeing is pressuring you and not even considering homeschooling then they don't actually have what you need, which is an open mind and a willingness to explore other options.

 

Have you looked into homeschooling groups in your area?  There may be homeschooling parents locally that could recommend a more open minded professional.  They may also have local support that could help you in other ways, too.

 

Best wishes.

[Joker]

I had many express the same concern about my oldest dd who was homeschooled from sixth grade through twelfth grade. I got it from neighbors. I got dire predictions about her future from another homeschool mom friend, which were devastating. I saw it written in her medical records. I worried about it myself. But my dd couldn't have made a better transition moving away to college. I think it really helped that she was in a small program in a small college. Because of the nature of her program, she was with people with the same interests most of the day. Her program is so intense, she can only come home twice a semester, and she has become very independent. She knows her limits when it comes to social interaction and finds ways to accommodate and cope.

 

Nearly everyone in my family has some degree of sensory processing disorder and that is highly correlated with anxiety. I recently watched a video on youtube by Amethyst Schaber on SPD, and I think it could be very helpful for people with social anxiety, too. It's also worth watching her autistic burnout video because I think the points can be applied to many people with social anxiety regardless of whether they are on the spectrum or not. 

 

 

I personally found college to be very different from and, for me, much less overwhelming than high school. For one thing I was not in classes all day without a break. I might have three or four classes in a day, two in the morning and one in the afternoon. I had much more control over my schedule and, as an introvert, much more access to time alone to rejuvenate. I am not at all sure that a child's ability to successfully navigate high school and their ability to successfully navigate college are necessarily correlated.

 

I don't want you think that I feel homeschooling is bad. I homeschooled for years with great success. I was only giving my story and another perspective in case the OP's dc was more like my own. My dd has no trouble with the school work or academics. She is not bullied at school. She has friends but her anxiety has actually caused her to push almost all of her friends away. I've had parents of her friends call to see if she is okay because their dc are worried. Our therapists (a mix of psychologists and psychiatrists) fear dd would possibly become agoraphobic if allowed to return to homeschooling. She needs to figure out a way to deal with those close to her age in a positive, healthy way. She needs to realize that they are not all against her.  I was just sharing a different perspective and that some are better off in something other than a hs environment.

[Tiramisu]

I don't want you think that I feel homeschooling is bad. I homeschooled for years with great success. I was only giving my story and another perspective in case the OP's dc was more like my own. My dd has no trouble with the school work or academics. She is not bullied at school. She has friends but her anxiety has actually caused her to push almost all of her friends away. I've had parents of her friends call to see if she is okay because their dc are worried. Our therapists (a mix of psychologists and psychiatrists) fear dd would possibly become agoraphobic if allowed to return to homeschooling. She needs to figure out a way to deal with those close to her age in a positive, healthy way. She needs to realize that they are not all against her.  I was just sharing a different perspective and that some are better off in something other than a hs environment.

 

It's very true that every child and every situation are different. 

 

I made the decision to put one is school for emotional reasons and because I'm not super pleased at how that turned out at our public middle school for her *right now*, I've probably seemed biased in my responses. If you had asked me, two years ago, I would have given wholehearted support for trying out school for anxiety, depression, or any other emotional problem.

 

The truth is there's no easy answer. If the OP has hsing on her heart, I'd say go with it and find a therapist/psychologist that supports her.

[ktgrok]

The big thing to understand is that dropping a kid with anxiety about school into a full school day is that it would be considered "flooding", which usually is NOT accepted practice anymore. Not sure why with school psychologists develop blinders about that. 

 

(the reason flooding is a dangerous technique is that, aside from being seen as cruel by many, it has to be continued until the subject is no longer afraid. If you remove them from the scary experience before that happens they can end up MORE afraid. For instance, if you have a person afraid of spiders, and put them in a big box full of spiders, and KEEP them there until they eventually get over it, that's proper flooding technique. But if you put them in there, they freak out, and then you take them out before they are over their fear, they may end up MORE afraid of spiders. You've sensitized them to it, not desensitized. I could see this happening with school, where they are scared all day, and then leave at 3pm still scared, and therefore end up reinforcing the fear, not getting over it). 

 

In total disclosure, all my knowledge of learning theory comes from classes and lectures focused on animals, but learning theory is learning theory, and the stuff we use with animals was developed by human psychologists/scholars. 

[poppy]

The big thing to understand is that dropping a kid with anxiety about school into a full school day is that it would be considered "flooding", which usually is NOT accepted practice anymore. Not sure why with school psychologists develop blinders about that.

 

(the reason flooding is a dangerous technique is that, aside from being seen as cruel by many, it has to be continued until the subject is no longer afraid. If you remove them from the scary experience before that happens they can end up MORE afraid. For instance, if you have a person afraid of spiders, and put them in a big box full of spiders, and KEEP them there until they eventually get over it, that's proper flooding technique. But if you put them in there, they freak out, and then you take them out before they are over their fear, they may end up MORE afraid of spiders. You've sensitized them to it, not desensitized. I could see this happening with school, where they are scared all day, and then leave at 3pm still scared, and therefore end up reinforcing the fear, not getting over it).

 

In total disclosure, all my knowledge of learning theory comes from classes and lectures focused on animals, but learning theory is learning theory, and the stuff we use with animals was developed by human psychologists/scholars.

This would be fair if his anxiety was focused on the school building itself.

 

If the anxiety is focused on social interactions in a forced environment , the child will probably be best off learning tools to cope with that anxiety without necessarily being cut off from that environment. Using CBT not exposure therapy. The first step is learning to say "I was freaked out by _______. Next time instead if being freaked out I will remember to [whatever steps make him feel capable].†That doesn't have to happen in school - but it can. It does have to happen. Being at home wouldn't necessarily make everything ok, the anxiety brain is fantastic at going back to wallow in past (and anticipated) failures .

 

And I will add, medication is often a key component of CBT . It doesn't solve the problem, it just gets the patient to a place where he is able to learn to use the techniques rationally.

[ktgrok]

This would be fair if his anxiety was focused on the school building itself.

 

If the anxiety is focused on social interactions in a forced environment , the child will probably be best off learning tools to cope with that anxiety without necessarily being cut off from that environment. Using CBT not exposure therapy. The first step is learning to say "I was freaked out by _______. Next time instead if being freaked out I will remember to [whatever steps make him feel capable].†That doesn't have to happen in school - but it can. It does have to happen. Being at home wouldn't necessarily make everything ok, the anxiety brain is fantastic at going back to wallow in past (and anticipated) failures .

 

And I will add, medication is often a key component of CBT . It doesn't solve the problem, it just gets the patient to a place where he is able to learn to use the techniques rationally.

 

Yes, but if she is constantly (well, daily) being put in a situation to feel anxious, would CBT work better or worse? Or would it be better to limit exposure to manageable chunks, gradually increasing, as she develops skills in CBT therapy?

[poppy]

Yes, but if she is constantly (well, daily) being put in a situation to feel anxious, would CBT work better or worse? Or would it be better to limit exposure to manageable chunks, gradually increasing, as she develops skills in CBT therapy?

I'm sure it depends on the kid - but here we are talking about the issue being low self esteem / feelings of inadequacy. Skipping school for three MONTHS to avoid interaction. That hasn't solved the problem, obviously , and continuing to avoid triggers will (IME) be just as likely to reinforce the perception of being unworthy. I think the counselors' suggestion of a different school , part or full time, is probably worth considering.