Competitive siblings (rivalry-ish)

[luuknam]

When B and I were taking a walk this morning, we were doing the 0, 1, and 10 times tables (I introduced them the other day because B said multiplication is for ages 6 and up and I don't like random statements about what is for what age, and he was perfect with them today). So, he asks me if he's finished 3rd grade level math. :confused1:  Er, no, far from it, kid - you're still at an early 1st grade level until you've got all of addition and subtraction down pat. Anyway, talking with him, it turns out he wants to be ahead of C (C is finishing 2nd grade right now, but has known his times tables since late kindergarten).

 

He seemed to accept my explanation that C is 3.25 years older than him, and that it's unrealistic to try to get ahead of C in almost all things (just like it would be silly to try to get ahead of me, since I'm 26 years older than B). But, they're quite competitive in general, even fighting over who gets to get into the car first. :banghead: Plus, I've had a similar conversation with him before about something else. So, I'm not convinced this is really solved long term.

 

How do I get them to care more about their own skills than about being better than the other? Working at being good at math or other subjects because it's fun/useful/etc, rather than to be better than the other? Or does it not matter, and should I just not worry about them being competitive like that?

[eternallytired]

:bigear: I'd love to hear anyone's response on this one.  My oldest two are 14 mos apart, and DD (the younger of the two) thinks she has to be as good or better than DS at everything.  I've tried focusing on the different ways that each of them learns (really fascinating to hear each kid talk out their process on the same math problem) and the different things they enjoy...  I had to turn all the RS card games into solitaire versions because the tension was so high any time we tried to play a non-solitaire game that no learning could possibly happen.

 

I don't know if yours are the same, but mine also always want to do whatever the other is doing.  DS has always been passionate about music and has begged for a guitar since age 3; he finally got one, and his sister thinks she needs one, too.  DD is a phenom at anything physical, so she's rocked soccer and gymnastics--but DS wants to do those as well, even though he's clearly not really in love with them (nor is he very good).  I don't want to keep them from trying and working at something that's not a native strength, but I'd also like them to develop their own identity without always obsessing about what their sibling is doing.

 

Okay, sympathizing over.  Now someone needs to have a solution! :toetap05:  :P 

[fairfarmhand]

Younger kid needs something of his own.

 

My second born did gymnastics and when oldest was interested I said no, because my younger really needed to be good at something for herself and see her own strengths on their merit...not in relationship to how her sister did.

 

Older dd was a whiz at piano and school, and that was her "thing."

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

Help them each find an area of expertise outside of academics, something they can be the go-to guy for.

 

Consider a club swim team, where they will learn personal best and how to be supportive of each other.

 

See if I'd tried this with my two, the older would always be better than the younger and the younger would think "Everything I do she will be better at. Why should I even try?"

 

My younger was so used to being second place to her sister that she quickly gave up even trying for her best.

[SKL]

Honestly, I think at that age I'd ignore the occasional academic competitiveness because the age difference is so large.  It would be like a 4yo insisting he can run faster than everyone else on the playground.  You pat his head and say "OK, honey" and change the subject.

 

Instead of talking about grade level, you might want to talk about a few mastery benchmarks.  For example, being able to add / subtract / multiply any 2 numbers, master long division, reduce fractions ....

 

Eventually there will probably be things your younger does better, so it is important to focus on the unique talents of each from early on, so the older is accepting when the younger starts to really shine.

[luuknam]

Instead of talking about grade level, you might want to talk about a few mastery benchmarks.  For example, being able to add / subtract / multiply any 2 numbers, master long division, reduce fractions ....

 

Eventually there will probably be things your younger does better, so it is important to focus on the unique talents of each from early on, so the older is accepting when the younger starts to really shine.

 

I do tend to talk about skills like adding any two numbers, rather than grade level. Not sure why B was talking about grade level, but C is in 2nd grade at school, so that's pretty obvious. Regardless, wanting to be ahead of the other is the same, whether it's a grade level or a skill.

 

And yes, I'm somewhat concerned about the younger getting ahead of the older. Not quite yet, but C has some struggles that he gets OT, PT, and speech therapy for, that mean that B could get ahead in some things sooner than you'd expect given the age difference. He's already correctly corrected C on some academics. On the bright side, C corrects B a little more often, although I'd prefer if they'd stop correcting each other and me unless it's really necessary, especially since too many corrections are not particularly correct, especially when correcting me.

 

I also feel that 4 and 7yo are a little on the young side to focus on their individual strengths. C is obviously good at math (so it's unlikely B will get ahead in that in the nearby future), B is pretty good at things across the board. But beyond that, I think it's too early to say where their strengths lie... I think a lot depends on practice, and I don't want to steer my kids in opposite directions this young just to give them individual strengths to focus on.

 

I have a brother who is 2.5 years younger than me, and my parents tried to do the "you're good at language, he's good at math" thing. Which, relatively speaking (in a comparative advantage kind of way), is true. Around the time they were saying that, my younger brother had just taken a secondary school placement test sorta thing, and he scored 75th percentile for math, 2nd percentile for language (ouch). The problem with them saying "you're good at language, he's good at math" is that on that same test three years prior, I'd scored 99th percentile math, 98th percentile language. So, yeah...

[fairfarmhand]

I do tend to talk about skills like adding any two numbers, rather than grade level. Not sure why B was talking about grade level, but C is in 2nd grade at school, so that's pretty obvious. Regardless, wanting to be ahead of the other is the same, whether it's a grade level or a skill.

 

And yes, I'm somewhat concerned about the younger getting ahead of the older. Not quite yet, but C has some struggles that he gets OT, PT, and speech therapy for, that mean that B could get ahead in some things sooner than you'd expect given the age difference. He's already correctly corrected C on some academics. On the bright side, C corrects B a little more often, although I'd prefer if they'd stop correcting each other and me unless it's really necessary, especially since too many corrections are not particularly correct, especially when correcting me.

 

I also feel that 4 and 7yo are a little on the young side to focus on their individual strengths. C is obviously good at math (so it's unlikely B will get ahead in that in the nearby future), B is pretty good at things across the board. But beyond that, I think it's too early to say where their strengths lie... I think a lot depends on practice, and I don't want to steer my kids in opposite directions this young just to give them individual strengths to focus on.

 

I have a brother who is 2.5 years younger than me, and my parents tried to do the "you're good at language, he's good at math" thing. Which, relatively speaking (in a comparative advantage kind of way), is true. Around the time they were saying that, my younger brother had just taken a secondary school placement test sorta thing, and he scored 75th percentile for math, 2nd percentile for language (ouch). The problem with them saying "you're good at language, he's good at math" is that on that same test three years prior, I'd scored 99th percentile math, 98th percentile language. So, yeah...

It's one of those things where you have to encourage them to be good kids and take pride in a job well done.

 

My oldest is a whiz at school. However, the fact that it comes so easily means that stuff like overcoming failure, trying really hard, dealing with frustration and having the discipline to stick to hard stuff are things that she struggles with! So my younger dd is much better at overcoming adversity and sticking to stuff and having a good attitude when things get hard.

 

Personally,  because my oldest dd who's good at school has such an er....challenging personailty, I really don't try to focus on academics (as far as strengths and weaknesses go)  I try to tell all my kids "Yeah, school is easier for some kids than others. Thats just the way life is. But if all of my kids are kind, and loving, and generous and try their very best at whatever they do, I will be proud of them for their character."

 

I tend to compliment when my kids do things that are hard without whining. When they are kind, when they are generous. When they display good character, I really brag on that. I want them to know that it's not what they do that makes them amazing; rather it is who they are.

 

 

[LTBernard]

oh wow, I can totally relate!  My DS is SOOOOO competitive.  For the longest time his sister (who is 21 months younger) couldn't care less.  However, now she is starting to.  DS is an amazing pianist and definitely my academic.  He has DD beat for sure in those areas.  DD is more artsy and a dancer.  However, my DS asked to start taking dance b/c DD got a trophy for it at the end of the season and now has more trophies than he does.  He doesn't get trophies in piano and I tried to explain that his superiors were like trophies but he wasn't hearing that.  I told him if he only wanted to do dance for the trophy it would be a lot cheaper for me to go buy him a trophy. 
Also when it comes to academics he has such a hard time not answering her questions for her.  We have worked on this and he has improved, but it was very annoying for a while.  I would ask her math problems that were way lower than his ability and he would yell out the answer just to prove he knew it.  I would then tell him I knew he knew these, but DD needed to learn them and she wouldn't learn them if he kept doing her work for her. 
There is also just basic life rivalry.  LIke if we are out to dinner whoever my DS wants to sit by he expects to be able to sit by and it doesn't matter to him what DD wants.  If he is in the mood to sit by me then he expects DD to sit by her dad.  And if Grandma is with us (his favorite person b/c she never tells him no and he is her obvious favorite - whole other rant), then he seriously expects DD to not see by her.  The other day she was going to sit between the 2 kids and DS didn't even want that.  He wanted Gma to himself.  We had to explain to him he could allow her to sit between the 2 of them or only DD would sit by her.  He was NOT happy about it, but he finally gave in.

[Spring Flower]

The best book I have read on this topic is "Siblings Without Rivalry." It won't solve all of your problems but will help you look at things with a new perspective.