Have I ruined my boy?

[Moxie]

My ego is taking a beating this week.

 

First, DH (gently) informed me that private school could educate our kids better than me and that it is time to give it a try.

 

Ok. So, 9yo DS spent a day at school. He loved it. I just got the report back from the teacher. He answered questions based on discussion correctly. He was only able to write one sentence in the time that the other kids wrote several and what he wrote didn't answer the question.

 

So, what can I do with him over the summer? Anything? Or do I just let the teachers sort it out next year?? Sigh.

[SunnyDays]

Moxie...  :grouphug:

 

No, you haven't ruined him.  There may be a variety of reasons he didn't write as much... maybe he wasn't used to the setting, hadn't had experience with the topic, wasn't comfortable in his surroundings.  Maybe he just does write slower.  He's only 9, he will catch up just fine.

 

I'm sure there are some books of writing prompts, or maybe the Bravewriter "freewrite" idea would help... I'll leave it to others to suggest specifics, but wanted to give you a hug. 

[bettyandbob]

NO

 

The teacher did not say "in the time that all other children wrote more.."

 

Do some writing activities over the summer, but don't stress. 

[redsquirrel]

The other kids know how much is expected of them. My friends who have sent their kids of that age to school all comment on how the kids are expected to write a whole lot more.

 

Honestly, don't worry about doing anything over the summer. I've had some friends...well... let's just say I am sure your son will do just fine. Their kids did just fine at very rigorous schools at the same age and they had not much formal schooling at all. It is amazing how quickly they can learn to meet expectations in a short amount of time.

 

I would more focus on getting a sleep schedule in place starting a month or so before school starts. That can be a bigger shock to the system than having to write 5 sentences. I am not kidding.

[Seasider]

I would not stress out over it! In your shoes, I would focus on two things over the summer.

 

1 - terrific, thought-provoking read alouds. Train for observation and inquisitiveness. That sounds rather lofty, I just mean establish the habit of discussing what you read, perhaps in a gentle Socratic way.

 

2 - short daily penmanship lessons/practice. Get him as fluid as possible so it will be easier for him to jump in. The school will likely expect more handwritten work from him; building his tolerance over the summer will ease his frustration when fall classes begin.

 

Leave it to his new teachers to fuse the two skills above into composition writing.

 

He will be fine!

[Arcadia]

He was only able to write one sentence in the time that the other kids wrote several and what he wrote didn't answer the question

It's a conditioned skill. Let the schools do it.

Work on his time management skills and writing stamina over the summer. Some teachers give handouts, some would expect the students to copy down homework assignments.

 

You did not ruin your boy :grouphug:

[EKS]

Just to point out...because I had a kid who did this... Just because a kid loves the school for one day does not mean that it is the best placement for him.  I learned that the hard way, and we're still dealing with the fallout.

[TechWife]

If you're going to turn over his education to the school, let them direct it. The school will probably do some placement testing to figure out where he is. Don't work on anything over the summer unless they ask you to do so. If they do, ask for explicit instructions on how they want him to work on the skill and what goal they want him to accomplish over the summer. Also as them whether or not his placement is dependent upon him attaining a specific level of mastery.  

 

I recommend you have a great, relaxing and fun summer! 

[Junie]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

My ego is taking a beating this week.

 

First, DH (gently) informed me that private school could educate our kids better than me and that it is time to give it a try.

 

Ok. So, 9yo DS spent a day at school. He loved it. I just got the report back from the teacher. He answered questions based on discussion correctly. He was only able to write one sentence in the time that the other kids wrote several and what he wrote didn't answer the question.

 

So, what can I do with him over the summer? Anything? Or do I just let the teachers sort it out next year?? Sigh.

You didn't ruin your boy. I don't think 9 year olds can be ruined. He hasn't even reached double digits yet!

 

But I want to very gingerly caution you that if your son has learning differences that need accommodations, the teachers won't really "sort it out." Most likely, they are going to teach to the middle.

[Renai]

No, he's not ruined. I put my daughter in ps in the middle of 3rd grade, and the teacher was talking retention because she couldn't write a 5 paragraph essay. Never mind she could do everything else (she already knew multiplication and the students were just learning it). Anyway, she did just fine in the month she stayed there. The kids catch up to expectations.

[Anne in CA]

Most people who put their kids back in school have some moments of doubt when their kids don't immediately excel the school kids in every area. My dd was weak in science when I put her in school this year. I suspected that would be the case. I tried sooo hard to teach her science, but you can't really teach what you don't know. She is OKAY. She took some time to catch up in math because Common Core is so screwy, but now she is regularly winning math contests, she is doing AMAZING in English and Spanish. She isn't perfect at everything, some of it is because she doesn't always know how school works. Some of it is because she won't compete in subjects that she doesn't care about. 

 

 

[Guest]

I would like it noted that I "liked" contradictory advice.

You are going to kick yourself no matter what you do.  

 

I'm not saying you just throw up your hands, but do the est you can to let your son know how much you love him, how much you will miss him when he is at school, and ask HIM what he wants to do, and then help him do it.  He's 9.  He can take it,, and start to bear responsibility for his path.  

 

"OK, kiddo--off you go to school-school next year.  You liked it, they liked you.  There was one issue--I want to know what you want to do about it, and then we'll do that.  Homeschool, we can tailor the work to your specific likes and interests and needs.  School-school, not so much.  Your writing was good but it was not *enough*--if you want to be on par with your classmates, you need to be able to write *more* in the same amount of time.  So, how shall we get there?  Do you have some ideas?  And how shall we work together on this?"  

 

That's what I would do.  

 

It wasn't what I did.

 

(see above: kicking oneself)

 

:0)

 

And...it will be fine.  :0)

 

[Sara in AZ]

Moxie, I just put my 9 year old into 4th grade this last January. (He turned 10 during the semester.) He has always been an extreeeeeemly reluctant writer with terrible penmanship. The writing expectation was a little bit tough for him at first, but he adapted really well and now he's writing five paragraph essays on par with the rest of the class. Writing was mainly done at school, and I didn't do anything extra with him at home (we were decompressing this semester from our daily battles about schoolwork). So somehow that teacher got him where she thought he needed to be. Unless there are any underlying learning difficulties your son has, I think he's probably going to be just fine.

[Catwoman]

My ego is taking a beating this week.

 

First, DH (gently) informed me that private school could educate our kids better than me and that it is time to give it a try.

 

Ok. So, 9yo DS spent a day at school. He loved it. I just got the report back from the teacher. He answered questions based on discussion correctly. He was only able to write one sentence in the time that the other kids wrote several and what he wrote didn't answer the question.

 

So, what can I do with him over the summer? Anything? Or do I just let the teachers sort it out next year?? Sigh.

I'm going to be the dissenter here and suggest that you speak with the teacher if possible, and see if she has any additional insight for you. I also think you should work with your ds over the summer to get him up to speed on writing sentences and short paragraphs, as well as to work on his reading comprehension and ability to understand and answer questions in writing.

 

I don't think you have ruined your boy. I don't think you have done anything wrong at all. I am willing to bet that there are many things you have taught your ds that the students in that school have never learned. No matter how much any child has learned, there will always be gaps when he or she enters a new school.

 

The thing is, if your ds is going to attend school in the fall, I think you owe it to him to be sure he is as prepared as possible so it will be a good experience for him. I also think you should find out what was covered this year in school, so you can be sure your ds is on equal footing with the other students. If the teacher said he didn't write enough sentences and didn't answer questions properly in the assignment she gave him, that is helpful information to have, so you can try to remedy the problems before school starts in the fall.

[ThisIsTheDay]

Nope, you didn't ruin him. Personally, I am SO thankful that I wasn't pushing my kids, my boy in particular, to write a lot when he was 9.  It was an advantage of homeschooling.  He caught up just fine (still homeschooled, one year left to graduate) and in fact just scored higher on his ACT writing test than his older sister.  Although she liked creative writing and did so on her own, I didn't push much writing until high school with either one.  She's excelled in college because of her writing skills, and her profs have been quite complimentary about her work.

 

Barring any unusual issues, he'll catch up just fine.  I'm sure you did GREAT and have more than sufficiently prepared him!!

 

 

[KrissiK]

I'm feeling the same way. We're putting my son (hopefully) into parochial school and he took a placement test yesterday and he thinks he didn't do well at all. He had to do a whole lot more writing and he was nervous and he didn't feel like he could ask the teacher questions, and there were kids walking around outside making noise (since he was the only kid taking the test, the teacher naturally had the classroom door open). I'm feeling a lot of anxiety, too. It's kind of like we as teacher-moms are being graded, too. Hang in there.

[idnib]

You didn't ruin your boy. I don't think 9 year olds can be ruined. He hasn't even reached double digits yet!

 

But I want to very gingerly caution you that if your son has learning differences that need accommodations, the teachers won't really "sort it out." Most likely, they are going to teach to the middle.

 

Do you think that's also true in a private school like Moxie mentioned? I would find that surprising since parents can shop around. But maybe it's true. I have no experience with schools and my kids, but I always thought if my DS (who needs accommodations) had to go back to school, I would go with a private one for that reason.

[idnib]

Moxie, hugs.  :grouphug:

 

You didn't ruin him at all!

 

I agree with Cat (as usual) and think you should check in with the school. You want your DS to have every advantage he can get as he makes this transition. Some friends of mine put their 3 unschooled kids into school. The school gave them very specific things the kids needed to work on, they hired a tutor for a few hours/week, and they kids had a very smooth transition.

[chiguirre]

Ok. So, 9yo DS spent a day at school. He loved it. I just got the report back from the teacher. He answered questions based on discussion correctly. He was only able to write one sentence in the time that the other kids wrote several and what he wrote didn't answer the question.

 

So, what can I do with him over the summer? Anything? Or do I just let the teachers sort it out next year?? Sigh.

IMHO, you need to get his evaluation results and discuss them with the school. Are you sure they accept students with ADHD or learning differences? IME, unless a private school is geared to working with kids with specific issues, they will gently suggest public school (and then, not so gently, let the parents know their child isn't welcome if they didn't take the gentle hint). TBH, the public schools generally do a better job anyway because they have more resources and specialists that private schools just can't afford if they serve a general population and don't charge an arm and a leg in tuition.

[Arcadia]

I have no experience with schools and my kids, but I always thought if my DS (who needs accommodations) had to go back to school, I would go with a private one for that reason.

Some private schools have no experience with ADHD or autism or other LD. My school district is not small (15,300 kids) but it has very little experience with dyslexia. My district however have plenty of experience with ADHD and autism for kids from 3 years old (Early Intervention) to high school. They are also decent for Speech Theraphy.

[Guest]

Lots of good advice here and I have nothing to add. You didn't ruin him, not even close. And what might look like a good answer now could change down the road, as Kai indicated. You just do the best you can for him at the time and muddle your way through like all the rest of us. He will be FINE :)

[idnib]

Some private schools have no experience with ADHD or autism or other LD. My school district is not small but it has very little experience with dyslexia. My district however have plenty of experience with ADHD and autism for kids from 3 years old (Early Intervention) to high school. They are also decent for Speech Theraphy.

 

I hadn't thought about it from that angle. This makes sense.

[unsinkable]

Do you think that's also true in a private school like Moxie mentioned? I would find that surprising since parents can shop around. But maybe it's true. I have no experience with schools and my kids, but I always thought if my DS (who needs accommodations) had to go back to school, I would go with a private one for that reason.

It depends on the resources of the private school but in general, private schools do not have the resources to address the needs of students that are very different from average.

 

Here, they go through the local public school for services. Sometimes the services come to the student (like speech or OT) and sometimes they transport a student to a resource room at the public school for a period or 2.

 

The accommodations that can be provided in the private school (like extended testing or a quiet room for testing) usually are provided.

[MotherGoose]

Is anyone else wondering why a 3rd grader needs to be able to write a 5 paragraph essay???? If it's any consolation, if I put my dd in school she'd be in the same boat. Last night at Girl Scouts they handed out a end of year survey, and I noticed that all the rest of the girls quickly answered all the questions, while my dd looked around and struggled a bit with it, and eventually did not complete it. My goal for the summer is to have her write 1 paragraph without drama.

[Guest]

Is anyone else wondering why a 3rd grader needs to be able to write a 5 paragraph essay???? If it's any consolation, if I put my dd in school she'd be in the same boat. Last night at Girl Scouts they handed out a end of year survey, and I noticed that all the rest of the girls quickly answered all the questions, while my dd looked around and struggled a bit with it, and eventually did not complete it. My goal for the summer is to have her write 1 paragraph without drama.

I do wonder about that. I also wonder why kids need to be able to read at the end of Kindergarten but that is the way it seems to be.

[TechWife]

Do you think that's also true in a private school like Moxie mentioned? I would find that surprising since parents can shop around. But maybe it's true. I have no experience with schools and my kids, but I always thought if my DS (who needs accommodations) had to go back to school, I would go with a private one for that reason.

 

Private schools are under no obligation to admit or offer accommodations to kids with learning differences. In fact, many of them do not have teachers on staff that are equipped to do so. The rationale behind this varies. Typically, the more expensive schools have more services available. They also usually have a smaller student : teacher ratio. 

[TechWife]

The accommodations that can be provided in the private school (like extended testing or a quiet room for testing) usually are provided.

 

Many of the private schools we talked to stated that they neither had the extra room or staff to do things like this. 

[Guest]

This is the school run by the Catholic Church we've attended for 10 years so we know most of the staff and they know us (our visit to the school was quite the topic of conversation!). We know several kids that go there who have "issues" and I've talked to their parents. It sounds like the school is very willing to do whatever it takes to help the kids succeed. Some examples I've been told by the parents--one boy is allowed to do his work standing up, chew toys and fidget toys are allowed as long as they aren't thrown, recess is not taken as a punishment, several other things I'm blanking on right now. Will it be perfect? No. Is it going to be a huge adjustment for everyone? Holy cow, is it ever!! But, I think we're going to try it.

[redsquirrel]

Moxie, best of luck to you! And it is going to be a huge adjustment so give yourselves that first school year to figure it out. My son went off to public high school this year and there was a huge learning curve. It wasn't academic, but around all the other stuff, and it was learning for him and for us, his parents. There is still stuff we are learning as the year comes to an end. There is the occasional 'oh, no one ever told us that' moment. Generally, when we explain that this is our first year as a family dealing with public school the teachers have been wonderful.

 

 

 

Do you think that's also true in a private school like Moxie mentioned? I would find that surprising since parents can shop around. But maybe it's true. I have no experience with schools and my kids, but I always thought if my DS (who needs accommodations) had to go back to school, I would go with a private one for that reason.

 

 

It depends on the resources of the private school but in general, private schools do not have the resources to address the needs of students that are very different from average.

Here, they go through the local public school for services. Sometimes the services come to the student (like speech or OT) and sometimes they transport a student to a resource room at the public school for a period or 2.

The accommodations that can be provided in the private school (like extended testing or a quiet room for testing) usually are provided.

 

 

Unsinkable is correct in that it depends on the resources of the schools. It also depends on the law of the state. In NY private school students  and homeschoolers with special needs are guaranteed access to services. That means that the state provides speech therapists, OT PT  to the public school etc as needed. The state has to offer the services to non-public school students at the same level and in the same amount as they offer to public school students. In my neighborhood, the local Catholic elementary school is right next door to one of the public elementary school and the Catholic school employes someone to walk kids from the private school over to the public school for things like speech therapy or OT. She just goes back and forth all day with kids. It is really just a few steps between the buildings.

 

If a private school wants to and can afford to offer more or different types of support than the public school, it is, of course, free to do so. If a homeschooling family wants to hire private therapists that is their business. And no student, public, private or homeschooled, is forced to accept any services. But private school students and homeschoolers may not be denied services, or given reduced services, just because they don't attend public school. Sadly I don't think that is the case in many other states.

 

[vonfirmath]

Is anyone else wondering why a 3rd grader needs to be able to write a 5 paragraph essay???? If it's any consolation, if I put my dd in school she'd be in the same boat. Last night at Girl Scouts they handed out a end of year survey, and I noticed that all the rest of the girls quickly answered all the questions, while my dd looked around and struggled a bit with it, and eventually did not complete it. My goal for the summer is to have her write 1 paragraph without drama.

 

They start testing writing in 4th grade here.  And looking back at the work I was doing in 3rd/4th grade... I don't think its an out of line expectation for the age.

[TechWife]

This is the school run by the Catholic Church we've attended for 10 years so we know most of the staff and they know us (our visit to the school was quite the topic of conversation!). We know several kids that go there who have "issues" and I've talked to their parents. It sounds like the school is very willing to do whatever it takes to help the kids succeed. Some examples I've been told by the parents--one boy is allowed to do his work standing up, chew toys and fidget toys are allowed as long as they aren't thrown, recess is not taken as a punishment, several other things I'm blanking on right now. Will it be perfect? No. Is it going to be a huge adjustment for everyone? Holy cow, is it ever!! But, I think we're going to try it.

 

That sounds great, Moxie! My son would have benefitted from being able to stand up and use fidgets! It sounds like your kids have a great opportunity there! 

[Tsuga]

I think it would be hard for him and you to go from seeing him only as an individual, to seeing him compared to a whole group. But one test means very little. Maybe this will be a motivator for him.

 

I wish you good luck.

[MotherGoose]

They start testing writing in 4th grade here.  And looking back at the work I was doing in 3rd/4th grade... I don't think its an out of line expectation for the age.

 

Interesting :)  Perhaps I am older than you, but I seem to recall that being more of a 5-6th grade skill.