How do I motivate my husband to do things on his own?

[Home'scool]

(I hope this doesn't fall under husband-bashing. It's just an annoyance that I am looking to address)

 

My husband will not do any chores or activities around the house on his own! It's always "Can I get some help with this?!"

 

My husband is a very hard worker in his job, but he does have a support staff and secretary so I think perhaps he is used to delegating more than doing.

 

The most extreme example of how he does this:

A while back he was driving my dd to softball and they were involved in a minor car accident. No one was hurt but we still had to do paperwork for the insurance company. He literally would not sit down and fill it out. He "wanted help" with it. The choices were either my dd, who was about 13 at the time, to help, which is ridiculous, or me, who wasn't even there. It would have looked like this -- I would have the paperwork and a pen. I would say to him "what date did it happen", he would tell me and I would write it on the form. Then I would ask "what was the street name that it happened on?", he would tell me and I would fill in the form.

That is how he wants to work.

 

The other day I cleaned out a spare bedroom that was filled to the top with junk - boxes and paint supplies and a wet vac and every other piece of junk that just got tossed in there. I did it all by myself, carrying stuff either up to the attic or down to the garage. All that is left is piles of his clothes that he hasn't worn in years. I need him to go thru them and throw away/donate/keep them. He won't do it unless he "has some help". That would involve me holding up a shirt and saying "Keep? Donate?" etc. Aaarrrrghhhh!

 

His explanation for all this is that we are a family and that it is a fact (he loves to be factual) that everyone pitching in can make a job easier. I then said "Fine, Thanksgiving is next week and everyone pitching in to clean the house, which I usually do by myself, will make it easier. How about you vacuum?" He refused.

 

It just is so hard to get anything done around the house that involves him or is stuff that I cannot do!

 

Any advice as to how to address this? He tends to get very defensive when I bring it up and reverts back to the "fact" that we should work together as a family and makes it look like I am being difficult, but the reality is he only uses this mentality when it is his chore

 

 

 

[Valley Girl]

Have you pointed out to him (with specific examples) about how this thinking only seems to apply when it's his chore? What is his response? Are there things at home he does take care of without "help"? For the record, I'd be really irritated, too.

[Seasider]

I can't say what I'd do, but what would be initially running through my mind:

 

You think I'm difficult NOW?

[maize]

I would be very tempted to start asking for his help with every single task you or another family member undertakes while he is home, and when he balks parrot back his "fact" about needing to work together as a family.

 

That's probably not very good marriage advice though...

[Carrie12345]

You had me calm and thinking until you got to the vacuum part.

I think I could find a way to work on the stuff before that.  It gives the sense of executive functioning issues.  That can be (frustrating but) manageable.

But REFUSING to vacuum.  Well, that destroyed my analytical thinking and cuss words started coursing through my head.

[maize]

On a more serious note, something I do from time to time that does help my husband hear me is write him a letter. When we try to discuss things in person he often falls into the trap of thinking of all the reasons I am wrong and formulating his rebuttal in his mind instead of actually listening to what I am saying. To be fair, I sometimes do the same thing; it is really hard to work through emotions and defensiveness in a face to face discussion. When I really need to communicate something and need him to "hear me out" I put it in writing. I've done this a number of times to address the apparent invisibility of most of the work I do on a day to day basis and the unfairness of the load distribution. It does seem to get my point across better than in person conversations.

[AK_Mom4]

Sounds like you are A Do-er.

Sounds like he is Not A Do-er.   Maybe because he is A Collaborator.  Maybe because he just doesn't like Doing.  I dunno.

 

When a Do-er crosses paths with a Non Do-er, something has to give.  Usually, the Do-er gets frustrated and just Does Whatever it is.  Sometimes, they work together (Collaborate) on what needs to be done, with the Do-er doing the driving.

 

Personally, I'd stop trying to get water by squeezing a brick.  Bag up the clothes and donate them all.  If he complains, just explain that you needed to get the project finished.  

 

To answer your question - I don't believe you can motivate someone to change to being a Do-er.  IMO, Do-ers are generally attracted to Non Do-ers because they let them Do Things.  It's part of the relationship dynamic from the very beginning.  Decide what you are willing to Do and let the chips fall where they may for things you are not willing to Do or Collaborate on. 

[Liz CA]

You had me calm and thinking until you got to the vacuum part.

I think I could find a way to work on the stuff before that.  It gives the sense of executive functioning issues.  That can be (frustrating but) manageable.

But REFUSING to vacuum.  Well, that destroyed my analytical thinking and cuss words started coursing through my head.

 

My dh is similar UP TO the vacuum part. He frequently vacuums for me; he also does dishes occasionally. He has improved over the years in so far that I don't have to ask as much any more. He realizes that some tasks are undone and may do them if he feels like it but he does not feel compelled to vacuum just because there are a few crumbs on the floor and he is relaxing in his chair. I, on the other hand, have a harder time relaxing when I can see crumbs.

 

Did you ask outright why he refused to vacuum? Is this the one task he hates? Would he rather wash dishes, windows, do laundry?

Have you made clear to him that he needs to do something because it is taking up your time when you have to fill out accident reports while you could be doing laundry.

[OneStepAtATime]

It does sound like he has Executive Function issues.  You might read Smart but Scattered and see if anything in there could help.  Give him the test and see how he does.  :)

 

As for refusing to vacuum, that got me, too.  I agree with maize, maybe write a letter, positive, upbeat, but clear in your concerns.  Open a dialog in written form, fairly short and succinct (or he might not take the time to read it) and ask if the two of you can come up with a better, more equitable way of dealing with projects that need to get done.  Perhaps he would do better with a short list of specific things that need doing each day/week that require the same set of skills each time.  That way he knows exactly what is needed each time and won't need "help" to get through it.

 

 

[Home'scool]

About the vacuuming --- it's not that he doesn't like vacuuming, he just got mad because he felt I was just being difficult by turning his words around on him. Any chore involving cleaning he would have refused to do.

 

His unwillingness to clean the house is fine (although I would rather the help!) so I clean the house and don't ask for help, but I get super frustrated because after I clean the whole frickin house I find myself outside helping him stain the stupid deck or helping him sweep the garage.

 

 

[tm919]

The first thing that popped into my head is how much I would dislike working for your husband. Perhaps it's a "fact" that things get done faster when more than one person chips in, but unfortunately, it's also a "fact" that this often has diminishing returns. For instance, imagine it takes him 3 hours to go through the clothes in the example, and 2.5 hours to do it when you are holding  up the pieces. You just saved him  half an hour, but as a couple, you are down 2 hours because your time counts too.

 

My husband can unfortunately act a bit like this too. I think, no matter what he says, the concept of "my time" is really amorphous to him and lacks reality --  even though he understands "his time" perfectly. The end result is he acts like he values his time way more than he values my time, even though in concept he would say he values my time as much as his. 

[Cottonwood]

Is he interesed in at least having a happy wife? Tell him how its affecting you and that its a fact that you and him will be at odds if he doesn't help out. If you're cleaning stuff out and he doesn't want to mess with his stuff, tell him you cant wait for him so you will be cleaning up and putting his stuff aside for him to do as soon as he can. Bag it up and put the bag in his corner of the bedroom, on his side of the bed, or where ever his stuff is. Then its out of your way but you didn't have to sort it. Maybe if he trips over it enough he will do it.

 

Early in out marriage dh did very little in the home, I had 2 under 3 and an in home daycare of 5 additional kids, and I became exhausted. Then he would want his time with me, attention, his dinner, recreation, intimacy. I kept communicating, he kept saying ok but not following through. Nothing got his attention. So one day I just told him without his help I figured out I only had energy to care for the business and the kids. I was spread too thin and thought it was unfair that the other adult in the house couldnt step up to assist in a family that was his, too. He had to care for himself till I either got some rest, his help, or the kids grew up some. About 3 days in of having no clean underwear, getting his own dinner, not having all he wanted from me personally, and a huge lack of peace in the house, he got very angry. I let him go on and when he was done I calmly handed him a broom and told him all he needed to do was help out. I wasn't be mean, I just couldn't do.it.all. but if he helped, we could both sit down and rest at the same time and I'd be able to rejuvenate. As it was, I'd be busting my butt all day, he would even go to bed and leave me in the kitchen! Just wasn't working for me anymore, energy wise. Even if I didn't want to withdraw a little, it was inevitable. I would fall asleep the minute I sat down anywhere. It wasn't until he, himself, was uncomfotable , that he really noticed. But I made sure to communicate what he could expect to see first, then he saw it, and didn't like it.

 

So I'm saying communication is most important, then if there's no change communicate what its doing to you, then if it doesn't change, let it do it to you right in front of him ("it upsets me when you...." Then let it upset you and let him see it. "It overworks me when you don't..." Then allow him to see what happens when you are over worked..and so on).. If he doesn't like what's going on, kindly explain that this is what happens to you when...(insert whatever you told him in the beginning). If he doesn't like it, he can relieve it if he has uld help out a little. If he chooses not to, well, this is how we will live until he chooses to help out. I always called it natural consequences. Its not punishing like I think it may sound...its cause and effect. My dh is super logical, analytical, factual. He understands cause and effect very well. I always stayed reasonable in my requests ..something like "we both wanted this family. So we are both obligated to care for all its parts. When one of us doesn't, the other becomes over burdened and this happens. You can prevent it but you won't. So here we are. Ball is in your court. Let's play...together!" And i didnt passify or ease the tension just for the sake of lessening tension. He needed to understand what his choices were doing. He finally got it and once he did, he pretty quickly became as much a homemaker as I am, when he's home. And, just as I said, once I got help, my energy returned and I had what it took to pay him all the ATTN he wanted. (Make sure he sees the turn around in you once hes turned around) and he loved it, so he kept it up. But things had to get very real before he saw it and lowered his defenses too. He learns quicker when he sees for himself. Me always telling him felt like an attack to him, so feeeeling it made more of a difference. To do that, I just let the chips fall where they may and stopped trying to over compensate to avoid a blow up. I was just absorbing the impact, not him. And why would he make changes if someone was always letting him off the hook? Comfy people don't change.

[Home'scool]

My husband can unfortunately act a bit like this too. I think, no matter what he says, the concept of "my time" is really amorphous to him and lacks reality --  even though he understands "his time" perfectly. The end result is he acts like he values his time way more than he values my time, even though in concept he would say he values my time as much as his.

 

 

Exactly. I know he definitely feels his time is more valuable. The other night I was trying to explain to him why I was stressed and said "I work full time, I am there for the kids 24/7 for whatever pops up and even at 18 and 20 years old stuff pops up all the time, I have a large house to maintain, two dogs, etc. It is just a lot on my plate and it makes me stressed!" His response was "I just don't see it."

 

I think part of the problem is with his own job he is a workaholic. He literally works all day and then comes home and goes into his office and works. I know he is not efficient with his time so that adds to it but he does have a high profile, high level job. You would never find him laying on the couch reading a book or *gasp* napping! So when I get all "my stuff" done and then read or watch tv or nap he views it as me having lots of time on my hands to waste.

 

Last year at my law firm we had a big case go to trial. For 9 weeks I worked 7 days a week helping to prepare for it. It was exhausting. At the very end of the 9 weeks DH says to me "Honey, I am worried about you." I thought he was going to say I was working so hard and he was worried that I was burning myself out. When I asked him why he was worried, expecting some sympathy, he said "Because you are napping a lot and watching a lot of tv!" He would see me get home from work and crash on the couch and would disapprove because he would just keep working.

 

I guess it's just a difference in lifestyle. I work towards relaxation time. I have always said to him that whatever he pays his secretary is no where near enough because he loves to delegate and give any job that he deems too menial to someone else.

[LucyStoner]

What happens when you say no? He says you're a family and need to help? Tell him that you helped already by doing x and you are on break. And then don't help. That he asks for help doesn't mean you need to give it.

[maize]

If he likes to delegate to hired help maybe he needs to pay someone to do the things he is trying to delegate at home. He can pay someone to stain the deck and vacuum the house. He can even hire a home organizer to help sort through and declutter his stuff.

[LucyStoner]

Wait, hold up. You work FT and he won't help at all with cleaning? That's really unreasonable.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Oh, I couldn't handle any of this. And part of wisdom is accepting things you cannot change...

 

I'd do 100% of the housework (as my domain, the breadwinning is his domain, not very pc but it's been done for eons), donate clothes as I see fit, and let the insurance papers go un-filed.

 

Leaving his tasks undone will contain some natural consequences, until he'll have to consider whether to keep suffering the consequences, do it himself, or hire it done...and no amount of wheedling, whining, lecturing, or begging would EVER get me to hand a man a pen and ask him questions line by line. If he's able to work a job, he can fill out a form.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Wait, hold up. You work FT and he won't help at all with cleaning? That's really unreasonable.

 

Egads. I missed that.

 

He can chip in or hire it done - either option is valid and acceptable but pick one.

 

"Collaborate" my dear Aunt Fanny.

[Slartibartfast]

About the vacuuming --- it's not that he doesn't like vacuuming, he just got mad because he felt I was just being difficult by turning his words around on him. Any chore involving cleaning he would have refused to do.

 

His unwillingness to clean the house is fine (although I would rather the help!) so I clean the house and don't ask for help, but I get super frustrated because after I clean the whole frickin house I find myself outside helping him stain the stupid deck or helping him sweep the garage.

 

Why is it fine that you have to clean the entire house and then help him with chores?

 

How do you have the energy to live like this?

 

How is your blood pressure?

[Home'scool]

^{Leaving his tasks undone will contain some natural consequences, until he'll have to consider whether to keep suffering the consequences, do it himself, or hire it done...and no amount of wheedling, whining, lecturing, or begging would EVER get me to hand a man a pen and ask him questions line by line. If he's able to work a job, he can fill out a form.}

 

 

Oh believe me I didn't fill out the form that way! I would never have been able to contain myself and probably would have stabbed someone with the pen. But it caused a lot of arguments and delays with the insurance and frustration. I feel like I am arguing in the Twilight Zone when I comes to me with these types of requests!

[Home'scool]

Egads. I missed that.

 

He can chip in or hire it done - either option is valid and acceptable but pick one.

 

"Collaborate" my dear Aunt Fanny.

 

Yes, I work full time. But when I come home I do relax (after making dinner and cleaning up of course haha)

 

DH will go back to work in his office. If he was the type to lay on the couch and watch football all Sunday he would get a kick in the pants from me for sure. The problem is he is never relaxing. He leaves the house before anyone, comes home after everyone, travels a lot, and when he is not at work he works in his office. I know he is not efficient with his time, but he can point to me on a Saturday and say "you took  two hour nap today!" and I cannot really point to him doing anything lazy-like

[MFG]

I know he is not efficient with his time, but he can point to me on a Saturday and say "you took two hour nap today!" and I cannot really point to him doing anything lazy-like

I would call f@rting around with his time rather than getting his work done lazy-like.

[Seasider]

Is he interesed in at least having a happy wife? Tell him how its affecting you and that its a fact that you and him will be at odds if he doesn't help out. If you're cleaning stuff out and he doesn't want to mess with his stuff, tell him you cant wait for him so you will be cleaning up and putting his stuff aside for him to do as soon as he can. Bag it up and put the bag in his corner of the bedroom, on his side of the bed, or where ever his stuff is. Then its out of your way but you didn't have to sort it. Maybe if he trips over it enough he will do it.

 

Early in out marriage dh did very little in the home, I had 2 under 3 and an in home daycare of 5 additional kids, and I became exhausted. Then he would want his time with me, attention, his dinner, recreation, intimacy. I kept communicating, he kept saying ok but not following through. Nothing got his attention. So one day I just told him without his help I figured out I only had energy to care for the business and the kids. I was spread too thin and thought it was unfair that the other adult in the house couldnt step up to assist in a family that was his, too. He had to care for himself till I either got some rest, his help, or the kids grew up some. About 3 days in of having no clean underwear, getting his own dinner, not having all he wanted from me personally, and a huge lack of peace in the house, he got very angry. I let him go on and when he was done I calmly handed him a broom and told him all he needed to do was help out. I wasn't be mean, I just couldn't do.it.all. but if he helped, we could both sit down and rest at the same time and I'd be able to rejuvenate. As it was, I'd be busting my butt all day, he would even go to bed and leave me in the kitchen! Just wasn't working for me anymore, energy wise. Even if I didn't want to withdraw a little, it was inevitable. I would fall asleep the minute I sat down anywhere. It wasn't until he, himself, was uncomfotable , that he really noticed. But I made sure to communicate what he could expect to see first, then he saw it, and didn't like it.

 

So I'm saying communication is most important, then if there's no change communicate what its doing to you, then if it doesn't change, let it do it to you right in front of him ("it upsets me when you...." Then let it upset you and let him see it. "It overworks me when you don't..." Then allow him to see what happens when you are over worked..and so on).. If he doesn't like what's going on, kindly explain that this is what happens to you when...(insert whatever you told him in the beginning). If he doesn't like it, he can relieve it if he has uld help out a little. If he chooses not to, well, this is how we will live until he chooses to help out. I always called it natural consequences. Its not punishing like I think it may sound...its cause and effect. My dh is super logical, analytical, factual. He understands cause and effect very well. I always stayed reasonable in my requests ..something like "we both wanted this family. So we are both obligated to care for all its parts. When one of us doesn't, the other becomes over burdened and this happens. You can prevent it but you won't. So here we are. Ball is in your court. Let's play...together!" And i didnt passify or ease the tension just for the sake of lessening tension. He needed to understand what his choices were doing. He finally got it and once he did, he pretty quickly became as much a homemaker as I am, when he's home. And, just as I said, once I got help, my energy returned and I had what it took to pay him all the ATTN he wanted. (Make sure he sees the turn around in you once hes turned around) and he loved it, so he kept it up. But things had to get very real before he saw it and lowered his defenses too. He learns quicker when he sees for himself. Me always telling him felt like an attack to him, so feeeeling it made more of a difference. To do that, I just let the chips fall where they may and stopped trying to over compensate to avoid a blow up. I was just absorbing the impact, not him. And why would he make changes if someone was always letting him off the hook? Comfy people don't change.

"Comfy people don't change." I love this! So true!

 

Excellent advice in this post.

[Valley Girl]

I know he is not efficient with his time, but he can point to me on a Saturday and say "you took  two hour nap today!" and I cannot really point to him doing anything lazy-like

 

You are busting your buns. There is NOTHING lazy about taking a well-deserved nap after working hard all week. That he doesn't ever relax does not mean you don't deserve to. (Sorry, but it bothered me to think you were feeling taking a nap was lazy. You EARNED it.)

[RioSamba]

I will pitch my tent in the outsourcing camp. Hire help for the things you can't or don't wish to do on your own, and for the chores he can't or won't do without help. Continue to rest and recharge as needed. Sometimes you might need to do this over a weekend at a hotel, or visiting friends or loved ones. Based on the "refusal" to clean and the lack of respect for your rest, I don't think you or anyone else can motivate him. So, I would accept the reality, meet my reasonable needs a different way, and pray for God to change his heart (I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, that's just what I would do).

 

The whole situation sounds crazy-making and painful. I'm sorry!

[AK_Mom4]

I totally missed too that you are both working more than full time.

 

Forget it.  Hire a house cleaner.  Leave a list of tasks for the person like "Bag Up All Clothes in Spare Bedroom for Donation". That will help free up your time for his projects and give you a chance to recharge in a sane manner.

 

And it puts a nice dollar value (which your DH should understand) on the extra workload.

 

 

[zoobie]

I'd be needing a few therapy sessions to work on communication because I don't think I could manage anything other than swear words.

[ezrabean2005]

I agree in letting natural consequences occur: paperwork does not get filed, you donate all the clothes, etc. 

 

When our kids were tiny, my DH was like this.  He was not doing it to be mean, but with the stress he was having at the time with other things, he just disengaged at home.  I felt completely alone with the kids and our household responsibilities.  One day, I was changing our youngest (who was 6 months at the time) and mentioned that he hadn't changed one diaper for this child.  Just an observation, not an accusation.  He said, "I know."  I was immediately in tears.  I said this to him and it changed everything for us: "It is one thing to never have changed the baby's diaper, but it is another thing to have chosen not to.  That means that you have watched your friend (me) struggling everyday and getting worn out and you have chosen not to help.  Not cool."

 

It was a wake-up call for both of us.  Him being disengaged at home and me allowing it.  A lot more attention has been paid to engagement ever since for both of us.

I hope you find a solution you can live with.

[EmseB]

I disagree with the executive function issues line of thought.  Maybe I'm too cynical, but to me it sounds like a passive aggressive way to get you to do his work for him, by making it so difficult that you throw up your hands and either do it yourself (for him), or just leave it.  Then when you directly address the issue (like the vacuuming) he just drops the passive aggressive thing and directly tells you he won't do things he doesn't see as worth his time.

 

I don't really know how to fix it, because you can't make another adult do something they don't want to do.  I would probably just be very direct about it and do as much as I wanted to manage.  With the clothes, for example, I'd say, "I'm going to take a load to Goodwill next weekend, if there is anything you want from that pile you should take it out."  Then, just go to Goodwill.

 

He directly told you he won't help you, but expects you to do the menial work and help him with his menial tasks.  That is how he values his time vs. yours.  Knowing that is his attitude I think will help you adjust your expectations what you do around the house with/for him.

 

This isn't about you being lazy by taking a nap.  It's about the fact that there are household tasks that need to be done that aren't fun.  Just because you choose to take a nap on a Saturday doesn't mean his time is worth more than yours.

[Plink]

Have the two of you tried counseling?

 

I'm so sorry that you are in this position.

[momacacia]

He can't function off a list? Type him up a list.

 

I'd just pitch his clothes that need getting rid of and he hasn't worn. He doesn't seem to care so haut do it for him. I'm a big declutterer though.

[Hyacinth]

I'm going to assume this man has other redeeming qualities, but what you've described sounds to me like a whole lot of arrogance and disrespect. "We need to work together when it's on my plate, but your stuff? Eh, your problem."

I don't know what the answer is as to how to change this dynamic, but I suspect a counselor could help you help him see how this attitude affects your level of enthusiasm for the marriage.

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds frustrating.

[Anne in CA]

Honestly, who knows how much he goofs off when he travels, ect. When you say you cannot think of times when he goofs off, every time he goes on a business trip he has HOURS at the hotel or airport where he is doing nothing. Point out to him that you don't get that rest time. 

 

ETA: I would not fix anymore holiday meals where he does not do something. I would just say, "Fact, I work full time and deserve some help. You can make reservations if you do not want to clean up or help do some of the work." And then, don't even make reservations, leave that for him.

[Trilliums]

Sounds like you are A Do-er.

Sounds like he is Not A Do-er.   Maybe because he is A Collaborator.  Maybe because he just doesn't like Doing.  I dunno.

 

When a Do-er crosses paths with a Non Do-er, something has to give.  Usually, the Do-er gets frustrated and just Does Whatever it is.  Sometimes, they work together (Collaborate) on what needs to be done, with the Do-er doing the driving.

 

Personally, I'd stop trying to get water by squeezing a brick.  Bag up the clothes and donate them all.  If he complains, just explain that you needed to get the project finished.  

 

To answer your question - I don't believe you can motivate someone to change to being a Do-er.  IMO, Do-ers are generally attracted to Non Do-ers because they let them Do Things.  It's part of the relationship dynamic from the very beginning.  Decide what you are willing to Do and let the chips fall where they may for things you are not willing to Do or Collaborate on. 

 

I pretty much agree with AK_Mom here, althought I htink your DH could be more of a Do-er in his professional life.  I think it is very unlikey your husband has much control over this tendancy.  I also do not think this means your husband does not value your time or does not care about pleasing you.  I think it is just one of his limitations whicih is quite unlikely to change.

 

My husband does not ask for help the way you describe, but he is horrible at all the little logistical tasks that life requires.  If he was in an accident, I would fully expect to do the paperwork for him.  Recently he did ask if I could find him a hotel for an upcoming conference.  He had missed the priority registration and was having a hard time finding anything on teh public transportation line.  THis took me about 15 minutes to do.  I handle all our bills and general life details.  When he was in college his utilities were often shut off due to lack of payment, not because he didn't have the money but because he just did not allocate energy and time to tending to those kinds of tasks.  When the kids were younger I felt a fair amount of frustration over these tendencies in DH bc I needed more help.  I have grown more accepting over time.  :)  Pllus, my husband works incredible hard and would do anything needed to support the family.  If I also worked full time I think I would be pretty frustrated though.  I think I would look for strategies to get the kind of help you need so that you don't feel over burdened. 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

Hire someone to do the house cleaning, to free up your time and lessen your load some.

 

 

I don't think it's likely he will change, or recognize the disparity.

[Home'scool]

Thank you, everyone, for the responses. It IS super frustrating and like I said, makes me feel like I am arguing in the Twilight Zone.

 

I think some of it has to do with his inability to get rid of ANYTHING - hence the reluctance to do the clothes on his own because it probably makes him anxious. 

 

The other part is due to his flat out arrogance. He is a very arrogant person, so doing what he deems menial is in his mind a waste of his time and should go to someone else.

 

I know he must sound like a real jerk by everything I have said here. He does have a lot of redeeming qualities! It's just that as I get older I have less and less tolerance for stuff that unnecessarily stresses me out and I feel like this is something that should be able to be resolved but yet never is. I am going to see how it plays out with him finishing clearing out his clothes and then maybe try to talk to him about how long it went on when it should have been resolved quicker. My daughter wants to use the room for her art now that she is back from college so the longer he stalls the longer she is without that so that can be another angle I can use.

 

Sigh. I know we all have our own baggage and this is his but UGH. So much energy spent on this!!

 

 

 

[LucyStoner]

Workaholism is not a virtue. Comparing your rest time to a workaholic's desire to have no visible rest time isn't fair or healthy.

 

I say this as a recovering workaholic.

[LucyStoner]

Egads. I missed that.

 

He can chip in or hire it done - either option is valid and acceptable but pick one.

 

"Collaborate" my dear Aunt Fanny.

Exactly. I barely work for pay and my husband still chips in on cleaning and cooking.

[kroe1]

Men not doing their fair share is probably the number one complaint of all wives. We marry thinking we get a partnership, yet soon we realize we only got our first child, a difficult one. LOL.

 

First, just throw those clothes away. If anything was important to him, he would have already taken it out of the pile.

 

Second, only give him chores you can do together. Does he need advance notice or does he do better if you go grab him right away? Perhaps start small by having a duster in both your hands and go through each room if the house together. Have him rinse dishes while you load them in the dishwasher. Figure out if he wants to chit chat during chores or be silent. My own DH has to be quiet during cooking, but wants to chit chat while doing other chores.

 

Third, figure out what is beneath him. Men are totally disgusted at some chores, usually cleaning toilets. Yes, it is not fair, but just do not give him what disgusts him. I have always found I get more work out of DH overall by not ever giving him toilet duty.

 

Fourth, take the lead always. Men do not see dirt. Most need to be told what needs to be done.

 

Fifth, Shower him with compliments for "helping you do YOUR work." Yes, I know the work should be considered shared by both husband and wife, but men need to feel superior to the mundane chores of the house. Men handle it better thinking of it as helping their wives.

 

Sixth, some men do better with handling only outdoor chores as their own. These are actually great men to have. They do the yard, gardens, gas up and wash the cars, paint the house, and build the tree houses. Maybe your DH is one of these gems. If so, never give him an indoor chore ever.

 

Many of these ideas I have learned from speaking with all the 50+ year marrieds that I get to meet in my job. I hope some of these ideas may help your current dilemma.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Does he have Aspergers (now categorized as ASD)?  The rigidity, the anxiety and even the difficulty getting rid of things made me think of it.  

[Mom-ninja.]

I really have no advice. Was he always like this and you've put up with it but are now looking to change it? Or is this a new thing? If you've allowed this from the get go then ask yourself why and why you want to change it now. If he's used to always having his way then of course he will resist to change. 

 

 

To be frank, if my dh acted like that he'd be cut off from sex faster than he could say the word sex. I'd also become a whole lot more "difficult" to the point that he'd realize he had no idea what difficult meant in the past. But I'm not known for my gentle approach or coddling. 

[SparrowsNest]

 I think I would sit down at a time when you're not upset about this and explain that you find this frustrating and unfair.  If you are able to have a conversation about it (as opposed to a confrontation), he may be able to explain what the issue is.  With any luck, he will also see the problem from your perspective and agree to work towards a more equitable division of labor at home. 

 

If this just isn't something he will work on, then you will have to accept that and figure out how to deal with it from your end by hiring help, making decisions unilaterally on certain things, and leaving other things to him entirely (with him dealing with whatever fallout results).    Not much else to do, really, is there?  Ultimately, adults only change when they want to.  Hugs. 

[BooksandBoys]

I know he is not efficient with his time, but he can point to me on a Saturday and say "you took two hour nap today!" and I cannot really point to him doing anything lazy-like

My husband used to use his time very inefficiently, and after we had children, this became a point of conflict. He would put in a twelve hour day, conveniently arriving home immediately after the kids were in bed. He worked evenings and weekends. The week before and the week after a business trip, we would hardly see him, meaning I was on my own with the kids for more than twice as long as he was traveling. He could do these things because he knew that I would handle everything. I pointed out what I was seeing over and over again until he began to improve. He's much better now, but I still remind him of his tendencies when I know a business trip is coming up. At this point, he knows he does this so he doesn't resent my gentle reminder to plan ahead and use his time well so he can remain an active husband and father.

 

In addition, he now has a reputation as one of the most efficient people in his office (he was seen as very good at his job before because he always got everything done and did it well, but everyone has noticed his improved efficiency with no reduction in performance).

[Mom-ninja.]

Men not doing their fair share is probably the number one complaint of all wives. We marry thinking we get a partnership, yet soon we realize we only got our first child, a difficult one. LOL.

 

First, just throw those clothes away. If anything was important to him, he would have already taken it out of the pile.

 

Second, only give him chores you can do together. Does he need advance notice or does he do better if you go grab him right away? Perhaps start small by having a duster in both your hands and go through each room if the house together. Have him rinse dishes while you load them in the dishwasher. Figure out if he wants to chit chat during chores or be silent. My own DH has to be quiet during cooking, but wants to chit chat while doing other chores.

 

Third, figure out what is beneath him. Men are totally disgusted at some chores, usually cleaning toilets. Yes, it is not fair, but just do not give him what disgusts him. I have always found I get more work out of DH overall by not ever giving him toilet duty.

 

Fourth, take the lead always. Men do not see dirt. Most need to be told what needs to be done.

 

Fifth, Shower him with compliments for "helping you do YOUR work." Yes, I know the work should be considered shared by both husband and wife, but men need to feel superior to the mundane chores of the house. Men handle it better thinking of it as helping their wives.

 

Sixth, some men do better with handling only outdoor chores as their own. These are actually great men to have. They do the yard, gardens, gas up and wash the cars, paint the house, and build the tree houses. Maybe your DH is one of these gems. If so, never give him an indoor chore ever.

 

Many of these ideas I have learned from speaking with all the 50+ year marrieds that I get to meet in my job. I hope some of these ideas may help your current dilemma.

 

Except that I married an adult man and not a boy child. As an adult I fully expect him to act as one.

 

Why do women tell themselves that men can rightfully act like children and we deal with it. Why do women coddle this behavior? Why do women feel as if men do not have to do jobs that disgust them, but we do? Will their penis fall off if they do disgusting chores or are not patted on the back and have their self esteem fluffed up? 

 

I call bullsh!t.

 

My grandparents, who were married for 68 years before my grandmother died, certainly did not coddle to this behavior. If my grandfather did not pull his weight then you better believe my grandmother let him know it. They had a great marriage. Growing up my grandfather told me that a man who refuses to do housework or childcare is not a true man. At 95 he still says it. I'll take my grandfather's words of wisdom. 

[Mom-ninja.]

Those saying donate the clothes, I would at least give him a date. "I will be donating the clothes on ____ day." Then if he is motivated he will look through the pile.

 

My dh creates paper piles. Drives me crazy. At least it did. Now, at the end of each week I tell him I will be throwing the papers away so he should take out what needs to be kept. I have thrown away important papers in the past when he didn't go through it. Now he goes through it. I don't bluff. 

[Seasider]

Those saying donate the clothes, I would at least give him a date. "I will be donating the clothes on ____ day." Then if he is motivated he will look through the pile.

 

I agree, but it's rather disappointing that she must treat him like a child.

[Hyacinth]

Men not doing their fair share is probably the number one complaint of all wives. We marry thinking we get a partnership, yet soon we realize we only got our first child, a difficult one. LOL.

 

First, just throw those clothes away. If anything was important to him, he would have already taken it out of the pile.

 

Second, only give him chores you can do together. Does he need advance notice or does he do better if you go grab him right away? Perhaps start small by having a duster in both your hands and go through each room if the house together. Have him rinse dishes while you load them in the dishwasher. Figure out if he wants to chit chat during chores or be silent. My own DH has to be quiet during cooking, but wants to chit chat while doing other chores.

 

Third, figure out what is beneath him. Men are totally disgusted at some chores, usually cleaning toilets. Yes, it is not fair, but just do not give him what disgusts him. I have always found I get more work out of DH overall by not ever giving him toilet duty.

 

Fourth, take the lead always. Men do not see dirt. Most need to be told what needs to be done.

 

Fifth, Shower him with compliments for "helping you do YOUR work." Yes, I know the work should be considered shared by both husband and wife, but men need to feel superior to the mundane chores of the house. Men handle it better thinking of it as helping their wives.

 

Sixth, some men do better with handling only outdoor chores as their own. These are actually great men to have. They do the yard, gardens, gas up and wash the cars, paint the house, and build the tree houses. Maybe your DH is one of these gems. If so, never give him an indoor chore ever.

 

Many of these ideas I have learned from speaking with all the 50+ year marrieds that I get to meet in my job. I hope some of these ideas may help your current dilemma.

 

He does feel superior to the mundane chores of the house. Thus the problem.

 

And ick . . . just . . . ICK to the idea of "showering compliments" for the help. Maybe I'm a little spoiled or too matter-of-fact or something, but this idea sounds manipulative and inauthentic to me.

 

Husbands are not children and the relationships do not benefit from treating them as such.

[Seasider]

He does feel superior to the mundane chores of the house. Thus the problem.

 

And ick . . . just . . . ICK to the idea of "showering compliments" for the help. Maybe I'm a little spoiled or too matter-of-fact or something, but this idea sounds manipulative and inauthentic to me.

 

Husbands are not children and the relationships do not benefit from treating them as such.

 

Indeed. Petulant little boys are not sexy.

 

I believe that in general, our society suffers from an abundance of praise. We are told that our children, students, employees (and husbands in many demographics) NEED lavish praise in order to succeed. In many cases this seems to render them incapable of action unless much cheerleading is proffered. I don't think that's a great recipe for building resilience.

 

I'm not a mean person, I do love and actively encourage my family members and others I am in contact with. However, when I was a competitive gymnast (back in the dark ages), my best coach was one who held high standards, and whose praise was like gold because anything above a concise "Good!" was rare. Oh, what a nugget of inspiration it was, not only to hear a "Good!" but then an extra smile or clap of hands! We worked harder to earn it, and it made us better athletes than being told we were great when we were really only just so-so. 

 

OP, I do believe that if your dh has always been this way, perhaps he does deal with ASD and maybe you should look into that. But you still have to take time for some self-care, because the current circumstances are no doubt diminishing your own peace in addition to the quality of your relationship.

[Garga]

You know what? He can choose to do what he wants to do...and so can you. You are a grown woman. You have the right to say, "No." If he says, "We're a family pulling together," then you say, "Not in this case." And if he splutters say, "We already talked about this. You won't help me with my chores. And so I won't help you with yours."

 

Say it with no drama and no fuss. Say it with complete dispassion. He is free to live life the way he wants, and so are you. Do you want to hold up the clothes, fill in the boxes, or help with the deck? Then say, "No."

 

Let him know that you're taking his lead. Tell him, without rancor or sarcasm that he has decided to create a dynamic where you two refuse to help each other so you will now be exercising the dynamic that he created. If he gets to say no, then so do you.

 

Tell him that it's a great idea that the family works together and when he wants to change the dynamic and help you with things, then you'll go back to helping him.

 

And then simply follow through. Don't do a single thing you don't want to do. I don't see this as a big deal. He can say no and so can you. You're both grown-ups and allowed to decline invitations.

[Garga]

And also, his workaholism and inability to relax is not an asset. It's silly and ridiculous. Have him read a few articles about what people in hospice say matters in life. It's not working all day, that's for sure. It is a normal human activity to relax and nap. He can try to make you feel guilty about it, but that's just manipulative on his part.

 

You are free to live a peaceful life with amusements and entertainments and relaxation. He is free to live a life of endless work. You do not have to live the life he has chosen. You are allowed to live the life you have chosen. You have chosen to work toward a reward of relaxing. He hasn't. His loss, not yours.