s/o - inviting siblings

[Seasider]

So the thread about inviting only two of a batch of siblings to a birthday party has me curious about this. Do you believe siblings should always come as a package deal? I'm thinking of verbal invitations to casual play dates as well as organized parties that include a written invitation. 

 

This is my first go at a poll, please humor me. I intentionally did not include an "other" option, if you need to vote other please explain with a post. Thanks!

[Joker]

Nope. I don't think siblings should be invited along all the time. I think the original thread is different though as it involves a twin. Oldest has friends who are twins and we always invite both. In turn, when dd is invited to a birthday party for one twin she always brings a gift for the other because...twins.

[Amy in NH]

I voted no.  I think it is important for siblings to be able to be independent of one another, with different interests and friends.  I wouldn't expect a young child would be happy doing activities beyond their ability at a party for an older child, and I wouldn't expect to dumb down the party to accommodate them.  I wouldn't expect an older child would be thrilled with the age-appropriate activities designed for a younger child's party either.  I also have the policy that "fair" doesn't mean "equal".  Each child will have their own chances for special activities, which may not come in the same type or amount, because they are all individuals.

 

Initially I agreed with Joker that twins would be an exception.  But upon further thought maybe not.  I'm sure it would sting the twin who wasn't invited, but twins probably need more of an opportunity to be independent, and being a twin does not necessarily make one as good a friend to a particular birthday child as the other.  I guess it would depend upon the ages of the twins.

[Catwoman]

Just as an FYI to the people whose kids always come as "a package deal," and insist that all of their kids be included in any invitation..... one or more of your children is probably missing out on a lot of fun activities and good friendships.

 

I don't intend that to sound mean; it's just the way things are. If my child likes one of your kids, that's who he wants to invite over to our house or out for an activity. He doesn't necessarily want to be friends with all of your other children, even if he thinks they are basically nice kids. And your child may want the opportunity to make individual friendships as well, without feeling like he has to drag his brothers and sisters along with him all the time.

 

I don't think siblings should have to share all of their friends with each other. They will always be family to each other, but there is no reason why they shouldn't also have their own individual friendships and activities.

 

And from a mom's perspective, I don't want to feel obligated to entertain a family of five (or whatever) just so my child can play with a kid he likes. It's fine on occasion, but on a regular basis? No. Just no.

[Guest]

My kids are pretty much a package deal, at least in age related chunks. We have to be very choosy about things we agree to, and I kind of detest birthday parties anyway, so unless the two oldest girls or the middle kids can all go, it usually gets voted off the island. Exceptions are made for best friends or specific experiences where there are age limits. But everyone we associate with has children, and at least 2-4 of them. We really don't run into very many things that are only for one child because all our friends are in the same boat we are!

 

In a few more years it might be different. Older kid activities seem to be more exclusive by their very nature. But right now I am happy filtering a bunch of stuff off our schedule because it isn't family friendly for all of us.

[Mama Geek]

I voted no, I only have 1 kid, but I did have a brother growing up.  We are 6 years apart in age.  I had my friends and he had his.  Sometimes families had kids that were close to both of us but a lot of times we each had our own friends.

[kewb]

It is really dependent on the situation and the ages of the children.

There were times when my children were a package deal and times when they were not. I always clarified with the other family ahead of time.

When a birthday party is involved I have no issue with the primary friend being the only one invited. Just because the child doesn't mind including the sibling when they play together doesn't mean they are friends. The reality of life is that you are not invited to everything. Just because one is a twin doesn't alter that fact. Twins are their own people and have their own interests and friends.

[marbel]

I voted no.  My two kids are 18 months apart, but they still always had separate friends (and some friends together).

 

I get that homeschool families sometimes have to travel in a pack.  But I remember when my kids were younger, trying to have a playdate for one kid and the other (and myself) being burdened with entertaining siblings.  I also dislike the attitude that "well, we homeschool so of course we are always together!"  (Arctic Mama, I don't see you having that attitude.  I see you as just dealing with the practicalities of a large family.)   I'm not expressing this well but it seems to be a thing for some homeschoolers to take the family togetherness a little too far.  I used to know someone who wouldn't let their kids participate in sports till everyone could do it together.  So, no team sports, ever. 

 

Of course it's nice when family demographics line up.  But they just don't always. 

 

And of course there are compatibility issues.  I don't know why some people expect that children of the same or close age will automatically get along and want to be friends.  I hate seeing people try to force a friendship between kids who are just incompatible. 

[Plink]

We often invite families over, but only when we want to.  We invite friends over on an individual basis too.  I do not feel obligated, nor do I expect (or even want) my kids to always be invited as a group.

 

I've always thought that people with the "invite all or none" idea seem overly-focused on the needs of their oldest.  They want the big kid to be able to  attend fun things, and assume that the littles will enjoy attending too.  That might work when everyone is in the preschool stage, but not for long.  What happens when a younger sibling is invited to something and the inviting parents don't have older kids, so don't feel like having to entertain the big siblings?  Of course, the younger ends up missing out on the opportunity.  It is kinda' sad.  

[Melinda in VT]

Not a package deal. Even with my twins.

 

There are a lot of articles on the importance of treating twins as individuals. It seemed hypocritical to insist people treat them as individuals and then turn around and insist that they are a package when it comes to invitations.

[kiwik]

if I have to stay then so does my other child. If they are happy to be dropped off then no. Although I am not going to drive 2 hours and entertain a kid in the rain while we wait.

[ThisIsTheDay]

I voted no.

 

The other thread was absolutely an exception because the kids were all so close in age AND were neighbors.  It was a mistake not to invite the excluded sibling (who we later found out was a twin!).  It wasn't like the invited family was expecting all of the siblings to be invited.  Two were invited, and one  was deliberately excluded.  Neighborhood kids who play together.

 

Odd that the OP deleted her first post, and then possibly all of her responses?

 

[The Girls' Mom]

I have twins, and still do not expect them both to be invited unless they are BOTH friends with said person.  They are not a unit.  

[lynn]

If they have the same friends within a family, maybe. Just because they are so and so's younger/older brother or sister no.

 

We had a party where we invited ds friend and the mom made a comment that she was glad to have time one on one with just the younger sibling while the older son was at the party. She was a homeschooling mom so time with one child at a time did not happen often.

[Ellie]

A special event invitation: no.

 

I didn't do "play dates" with my dc, so I guess that's the end of that. :-) We visited with family friends, as families.

[imagine.more]

For a special party in theory I'm cool with one of my kids being invited but in reality it's just never happened that they've been invited to a party like that. All our social group hangs out with everyone so whole families are invited vs individuals. Like someone said above the practicality is that i have all 4 kids with me all day so if someone wants me to stay I have to bring all the kids. A lot of our friends are homeschoolers and thus are the same, though even our PS friends still are ones to invite and come as a whole family. Maybe because we mostly know families with 4+?

 

We tend to be more, um, detached, as parents than most of our friends (many don't use babysitters ever) so we'd be fine with single kid invitations, but I still like the atmosphere of the more the merrier. It makes for big parties but all the kids seem to love it and everyone ends up with multiple kids their age to play with. And I love how sweet the big and little kids are in including each other in play and helping out. Nobody is too cool to push the toddler on the swing and no 4 year old is left out of the basketball game just because he can't reach the basket himself. It's probably my favorite thing about our particular area socially.

[Night Elf]

I wanted to respond but the poll made me uncomfortable because it's assuming all voters have young children. When my kids were young, I didn't mind when one of mine was invited somewhere but the other one wasn't. I understood it was okay to have separate friendships. I never had the opportunity to invite only a single sibling. When I invited people to my house, it was always for a playdate with multiple children and a time for moms to chat. My kids never minded having to play with kids of different ages. We also didn't have parties of any kind so that was never a problem.

[Sherry in OH]

My children aren’t a package deal, but logistics are a factor.  If the event is local and drop-off, inviting one child is fine. If a parent must stay, we accept the invitation only if dh is available or both children are welcome.    

[OneStepAtATime]

I didn't vote since I think this is more on a case by case basis, depending on circumstances.  I only have two kids.  They are of different sexes and different personalities and are nearly 4 years apart.  If one is invited to a play date, I do not assume the other is invited.  I sometimes have had to ask, though, because, as mentioned upthread, logistically it is not always possible to have one sibling attend a play date and not the other if I also need to be there.  

 

I recognize this necessity especially with families that have more kids.  If I invite one family's child to a park gathering, I recognize that the parent may need to bring all siblings.  I try to make it feasible for all siblings to come and absolutely accept that this is frequently a necessity.  

 

Now, if it is a drop off situation, then I may invite just kids that are truly friends with my kid, but with twins I would absolutely invite both.  I usually invite siblings that are close in age, too.  And if a parent asks if siblings can come that are very close in age to the child being invited I will  say yes, unless I feel there are not enough parents staying to keep all children safe (especially in a park, where it may be challenging to keep an eye on many children at once).

 

ETA: Birthday parties are different from play dates, though.  For a birthday party, that also depends on circumstances but I would never assume both of my kids were invited.  I would ask if I could bring the other one only if I could not find someone to watch my other child.  And when inviting other kids, especially if the party is at a place where I have to pay for each individual child, along with their entertainment, I would hope that parents would ask ahead of time if they can bring siblings, and only if there is no other easy way for the child to attend.  I would also hope they would offer to pay for the other children.  We had one birthday party where a LOT of siblings showed up unannounced and we ended up paying hundreds of dollars we were not budgeted for.  We had to put it all on  a credit card.  It was not pleasant.

[momto10blessings]

No way! I do not expect someone to invite all 10 of my kids to a birthday party. That would be nuts and I'd feel guilty since birthday parties can get quite expensive.

That said, we do invite whole families along to our birthday parties for younger kids. But we just do the parties at home and don't participate in goodie bags.

[SKL]

From the perspective of the invitee's parent, it depends on how independent the kids are with respect to each other.  My girls are almost the same age and they pretty much do everything together.  They are in the same class at school, on all the same sports teams, share the same bedroom and toys and books.  Their close friendships are not exactly the same, but if only one was invited to a birthday party, the other would definitely be hurt.  My kids are 8, so maybe things will be different when they are 12.

 

We would simply RSVP "no" if that happened.  I don't expect the other child or her parents to put my kids' feelings first when planning an event for a lot of people.

 

So far, the only time only one of my kids was invited was when they were 4yo, and the dad asked his 4yo for a list of invitees from his preschool class.  I called the dad because I wasn't sure he knew there were two sisters in the same class.  (He didn't.)  I told him I couldn't send just one and he said they could both come.  Maybe that was obnoxious of me, I don't know.

[Dmmetler]

For stuff during the day, especially where each family is paying their own way and it's free/cheap, yes, siblings are automatically included. For stuff like birthday parties, I do count siblings in my estimated count because at least some show up. Fortunately, DD prefers parties which are a bunch of kids eating cake and doing crafts, so an extra kid or two usually isn't a problem. As she gets older, it's less of an issue. Older sibs usually don't want to go, and now that older sib can stay home, often younger siblings stay with them.

[SKL]

As the parent of the birthday child, so far we have not had a friend birthday party, so I have not had to figure that out.

 

I probably wouldn't invite siblings who are not in the same class/team as my kids, but if a parent had a problem with just one being invited, I would be open to accommodating, depending on the reason.

[luuknam]

I've invited siblings to birthday parties too, so far. However, if someone had 10 kids, I could not afford to invite them all to a birthday party.

 

I don't expect others to invite both of my kids, but if I'm supposed to stay, I may or may not be able to have my kid attend the party since it's not like I can leave a 4yo home alone or w/e. That said, it seems that at 7yo everybody expects you to just drop off your kid (something I was unaware of until my son's 7th birthday party, where I suddenly found myself with 10 kids whose parents all left, some without even saying 'hi' to me). :confused1:

 

ETA: I don't write on the invites that siblings are welcome. I've told some people in person they can bring their other kids, and if someone asks, I tell them they can bring their other kids. For people I don't know (I've invited C's entire class in the past, for example), I'm not going to invite siblings unless people ask if it's okay. Someone brought their younger kid to C's party once (which was at a minigolf place) and I offered to include the kid in the party, but that parent declined. Oh well.

[xixstar]

I don't think you have to invite siblings.

 

For my two youngest it would feel odd for someone to not invite both because we have only ever played with friends together and they're so close in age and shared friendships it would seem odd to me. Maybe that is why we don't get invites is because maybe some don't want to invite both and are uncomfortable inviting just one (doubt that is actually the case). We also haven't run into the issue where there appears to be stronger friendships between just one of my girls. But maybe I will mention to the friends that invite them over that it is okay to invite just one if their child wishes.

 

If they had a wider age spacing, I wouldn't think twice about split invitations.

[regentrude]

I only have two. Boy and girl, two years apart. Except for toddler age, I can't fathom why one would have even wanted to attend a birthday party of the sibling's friend.

But then, we also never required or expected the parents to hang around. I found that concept very alien upon moving here.

[luuknam]

Spin-off question: If you're throwing a birthday party for one of your kids, and your other kid(s) is also supposed to be there, do you allow the other kid to invite one friend so that they're not the only kid their age at the party? E.g. if you have a 4yo and a 7yo, and you're having a birthday party for the 4yo with all invitees being 4yo, would you allow the 7yo to invite his/her best friend so that they're not the only 4yo?

[Joyofsixreboot]

I see no reason you have to invite or even like all my kids. Mine tend to be vastly different in personality and so have different friends. The only two who ever operated as a pair are DS#1&2. They are pretty close in age and #2 has aspergers. He mostly attached himself to #1 as his only social outlet and where one went they both did.

[Murphy101]

Spin-off question: If you're throwing a birthday party for one of your kids, and your other kid(s) is also supposed to be there, do you allow the other kid to invite one friend so that they're not the only kid their age at the party? E.g. if you have a 4yo and a 7yo, and you're having a birthday party for the 4yo with all invitees being 4yo, would you allow the 7yo to invite his/her best friend so that they're not the only 4yo?

No. I've never done that. My four year old is always the only 4 yr old around 9 other older kids and he handles it just fine. :)

[Murphy101]

I am fine with only one of my children being invited to a party or other event. Even when we lived outside of town, we knew that was just one of the trade offs of living outside of town - you have to spend time driving into town for just about everything.

 

However, I always invite the entire family. Though they can drop off just one if they want. It's never mattered how big or small my house was. We never did really expensive parties, so that wasn't a factor either. I've always found it interesting how so many people with homes and incomes twice or triple the size of mine and families 1/3 the size can't seem to accommodate us, but take it for granted I can always accommodate them. I'm fine with it bc it's just the reality I have to deal with, but I've never understood it.

[marbel]

I am fine with only one of my children being invited to a party or other event. Even when we lived outside of town, we knew that was just one of the trade offs of living outside of town - you have to spend time driving into town for just about everything.

 

However, I always invite the entire family. Though they can drop off just one if they want. It's never mattered how big or small my house was. We never did really expensive parties, so that wasn't a factor either. I've always found it interesting how so many people with homes and incomes twice or triple the size of mine and families 1/3 the size can't seem to accommodate us, but take it for granted I can always accommodate them. I'm fine with it bc it's just the reality I have to deal with, but I've never understood it.

 

I have two kids, and have been friends with several families with 6+ kids.  When my kids were younger, it was stressful to me to figure out how to prepare for a large family  coming over.  Did we have enough toys, was there stuff for older kids to do, what about snacks, lunch, etc?    It was much easier for my large-family friends to blend the 3 of us into their lives/homes than for the 3 of us to blend 7 or more people into ours.  I don't think it's right to take anyone's hospitality for granted, of course. 

 

Not sure what income has to do with it?  Even if you know someone's income, how would you know what expenses they have? 

[luuknam]

I've always found it interesting how so many people with homes and incomes twice or triple the size of mine and families 1/3 the size can't seem to accommodate us, but take it for granted I can always accommodate them. I'm fine with it bc it's just the reality I have to deal with, but I've never understood it.

 

I think it's the 'overwhelmed' factor. I get overwhelmed if there are too many kids I have to supervise, especially if I don't really know all of them. They probably assume that with 10 kids, what's 3 more to you?

 

That said, I don't have a huge house - I think it's something like 800 sq ft? Nor a huge income. Nor do I expect you to invite both my kids to everything (or to anything, since I don't know you, lol). My most recent birthday party was a pirate party for my 4yo at the science museum (because in Snowvember, I can't do birthday parties outside, and I don't want a dozen kids crammed inside my house). The museum had a rule of 15 kids for a certain price, or up to 25 kids if you paid more and let them know in advance, but I don't want to pay *that* much for a birthday party for a 4yo, lol. And I do realize you weren't talking about me, but I wanted to explain since I mentioned earlier that I wouldn't be able to invite all the siblings of a family with 10 kids.

[AimeeM]

I have no expectation - at all - that all of my children will be invited to everything. I also do not invite all siblings of my children's friends to playdates and parties. 

Now, with my younger two kiddos, it's generally "family invites" when I do invite for parties and playdates - I do not want the parent dropping off and leaving, so I have no problem with them bringing their younger children, but we also only have parties at our house; I can see the need to limit ages and the number of participants for a venue party or playdate. 

My oldest is old enough to be dropped off at a party or outing. When the day comes that my younger boys are asked to do things without each other, I have no problem with that, provided I can either find a sitter for the other boy (if not, he just can't come) or I can drop off.

[luuknam]

Another question: if more than one of your kids attends a birthday party, do they each bring a present for the birthday kid? I recently had that situation, and the mom told me not to bring two presents, because she already has too much stuff. I ended up doing some 6-pack* of glitter sidewalk chalk as the second present, since I didn't want my tag-along kid to not give a present (he's autistic, and I'm trying to teach him manners, which include giving a gift to the birthday kid), but I also didn't want to cause my friend to have more random junk in her house.

 

*meaning 6 sticks, which I'm sure were used up within a week, since she's got 4 kids.

[Zinnia]

Around here, there are not drop off playdates or birthday parties (my oldest is 8.5; this may change as he gets older, but it's our reality now in our circles).  That means that my kids are a package deal, because I can't/won't leave 3 of them at a babysitter so I can take one of them to a party.  As an earlier poster said...no.  Just no.  That seems pretty unreasonable.

 

Now, occasionally (like 3 times in his life), a parent has had a drop off party.  Those are like crazy heaven, and I have no problem taking just one child for that.

[kirstenhill]

I voted that it is fine for kids to be invited to events separately. But I still think it is on the ones doing the inviting to be as kind as possible. We have invited younger siblings in the past who are not quite as close with the birthday child so that the younger sibling didn't feel left out. I have really appreciated it when my DS6 has gotten an invite to parties that DS8 is going to, because in most cases (with church and neighborhood friends) DS6 perceives himself as good friends with those kids even though the reverse is not always true. But each of the three older kids has gotten individual invites to parties where others are not invited and that's fine too.

[kewb]

Spin-off question: If you're throwing a birthday party for one of your kids, and your other kid(s) is also supposed to be there, do you allow the other kid to invite one friend so that they're not the only kid their age at the party? E.g. if you have a 4yo and a 7yo, and you're having a birthday party for the 4yo with all invitees being 4yo, would you allow the 7yo to invite his/her best friend so that they're not the only 4yo?

 

No, I have never done this.  It has never been an issue with my two.  If the party is at home the sibling can come and go as they please.  If the party was at a place the sibling always managed to find something to do.  Complaint was met with "Suck it up buttercup, it's not your party but you will be there for your sibling."  

 

That said, this is what my family does.  Everyone else can do what works for their family. It is all about making the party day easy for the parent, imo. If the sibling having a friend in attendance will make things easier, then go for it.

[Rachel]

I grew up as 1 of 6 children with 5 of us within 3 years of each other. I much preferred having my own friends instead of having to bring two sisters with me all the time. We shared a room, were in the same classes at church, and in the same school activities. I love my sisters but sometimes I wanted a little privacy. I try to remember that with my own kids.

 

When we invite people places we tend to invite all the siblings if we are going to the park or zoo or something similar. If it's just to play at our house it depends on the individual family. I have one friend with 4 girls but all my kids get along with them, so we invite the family and they bring whoever is available. There's another family who has kids all the same ages and genders as my kids, but I tend to only invite the oldest son to play at our house. My daughter doesn't enjoy playing with that girl unless it's outside and the mom and I are just acquaintances not really friends.

 

I don't think there is really one right answer and I do try to be sensitive to the needs of each family. All my kids love to be invited places but I'm working with them to understand that it doesn't always happen that way.

[catz]

I think it's fine.  I think it can depend on the event and context.  Weekday events in our world are family homeschool friendly events for the most part.  Only like this year has my teen been invited to a few drop off things with other homeschoolers during the day.

 

When inviting, I do try to think who might be hurt if they aren't invited.  Like if my dd wants to invite her dance friends, I would allow her to invite one or two.  Or I'd let her invite her entire level (8-10) kids.  But I wouldn't just leave 1-2 left out that might hear about it in passing.  Recently some girl at dance was bragging up a sleepover she had my dd wasn't invited to and these were like 10-12 year olds.  Part of my responsibility as a parent is to teach my kids about social niceties and about not talking/bragging about an event in front of those not invited.  I think that is super rude and I'm very irritated with a few kids/families at dance over it right now.  I do not treat my dd like a victim though. I just let her know I think those girls are extremely rude and to focus on the other less cliquey girls at dance.

 

But in general, my kids get invited to separate events all the time.  They are opposite gender and almost 4 years apart.  And even with that, my dd has been disappointed plenty of times.  As a parent, I do not play that up at all.  It's not a tragedy.  It's a good time for her to have some one on one with DH and me. 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

Technically, there is no obligation.

 

But if both my boys usually play with your child, if you don't invite both there will be hurt feelings. Except in cases where there is an age restriction on the activity, or some outside reason both can't be invited. Even then, the excluded child will feel excluded.

[Valley Girl]

I couldn't vote because I think it depends.

 

There's nothing wrong with not inviting siblings in most cases. However, I think there are times when it causes difficulties to invite some and not others.

 

Are the kids so young that parents will be expected (or expect) to stick around to keep an eye on their kid, particularly if they don't know the host family well enough to feel comfortable leaving a child at the party alone?

 

Does the family have childcare for siblings? Granted, the host may not know the answer to this question. But we've been the new family in town, hundreds of miles from relatives, with one parent traveling for work. I was grateful to those hosts who welcomed siblings.

 

Do the kids generally play together in a mixed age group? If everyone plays happily together, then I'd include everyone.

 

Is the party strictly a "boy" or "girl" party or centered around an age-related activity? That's a pretty clear-cut division.

 

Those are the questions I'd ask when planning a party. And I'd try to be flexible. It's messy, though.

[Murphy101]

I have two kids, and have been friends with several families with 6+ kids. When my kids were younger, it was stressful to me to figure out how to prepare for a large family coming over. Did we have enough toys, was there stuff for older kids to do, what about snacks, lunch, etc? It was much easier for my large-family friends to blend the 3 of us into their lives/homes than for the 3 of us to blend 7 or more people into ours. I don't think it's right to take anyone's hospitality for granted, of course.

 

Not sure what income has to do with it? Even if you know someone's income, how would you know what expenses they have?

I wasn't being insulting. Not on purpose anyways. No reason to be defensive. I don't think badly of them or you. I just don't "get it". Mostly I think smaller families over think things when inviting a larger family over. Do whatever you do for a family with 2 kids coming over. It's probably going to be just fine. Or ask the larger family about your concerns. Food is usually the biggest question I get. Most of the time I tell them not to worry about it. The kids are more interested in playing than eating. But if they seem stressed, I'll insist on bringing foods and we will work it out together. I certainly don't want to be a burden or a stress to my hostess.

 

My reference to homes and income was related to comments about not having a big enough home to gather in or not being able to afford the extra company. Sure many times I don't know income expenses, but sure sometimes I can have a pretty good idea of it. Not that it matters. How they spend their money is entirely their perrogative and I'm sure not suggesting they are obligated to spend it on us.

[Murphy101]

I will say one reason I tend to invite everyone is bc I don't want to supervise other people's kids. To me that is far more stressful than inviting the whole family. I'd rather their own parent be there to do it.

[LMV]

Our daughters are currently 19, 15, just turned 11, 6, 5, 2, and arriving this summer.  They are all individuals and have their own interests, preferences, and friendships outside the family.  DFD6 and DD5 do have some overlap of friends so they do frequently get invited to some of the same things but I would be ok with an invite for one but not both even within that context.  One of DD19's high school best friends happened to be on DD15's gymnastic team (when they were DD15 and DFD11) so they were both invited to her sweet sixteen.  I think it was a combination of the gymnastics connection, the reality that some tween age cousins were being invited due to family policy, and knowing that because our older daughter would be there and because we knew the whole family we would probably allow her to go that paved the way to the invite.  At the time I remember, our younger daughter was really psyched to be included so I thought the invitation was very kind but I would not have thought unkind thoughts about this girl or prohibited our older daughter from attending the party if she had not been.  

 

DFD11 does have a friend who is part of a larger family that does take the "my kids are a package" approach to invitations and both because inviting one involves inviting now eight kids[ and usually also including mom] and because that includes some older brothers who neither DH or I feel very comfortable having in our home, around our pool etc it is rare that we extend an invitation to her friend.  I tried harder in the past to tolerate and accommodate when DFD11 was younger and seemed to really want her friend to visit.  Now she has expressed to us that she really doesn't want her friends older brothers around and therefore is ok with us not inviting the friend.  We did invite the friend only to her 11th birthday party which we are celebrating this weekend. I made it clear to the mom that because it was a slumber party that she was only inviting tween age girls and that we would love to have her daughter join us but were not inviting her brothers or her three year old little sister.  This was not ok with the mom so she will not be attending and our daughter is a bit disappointed but understands.

[regentrude]

Spin-off question: If you're throwing a birthday party for one of your kids, and your other kid(s) is also supposed to be there, do you allow the other kid to invite one friend so that they're not the only kid their age at the party? E.g. if you have a 4yo and a 7yo, and you're having a birthday party for the 4yo with all invitees being 4yo, would you allow the 7yo to invite his/her best friend so that they're not the only 4yo?

 

No, never done that. Sibling usually participates in a part of the party like eating cake and perhaps some of the games. DD might have helped with some activities for her brother's party.

[Seasider]

Thanks for all your replies! My lack of experience in poll design is evident in that I can't exactly make a distinct correlation to support the theory I have about this. The poll results indicate it, but not concretely.

 

We have a number of acquaintance families which hold to this "package deal" notion, but most of our friends are like the majority here in that separate friendships/invitations are fine (and the uninvited kids learn the lesson that not everyone gets to tag along).

 

IME, it is the families with younger children who hold tightly to this policy - "We are FAMILY and families stick together!" - and apply it to every social situation. I can understand that it sometimes comes down to a logistics issue, but that's not always the case. The theory I was hoping to examine is that this "policy" tends to fall apart once the oldest kids hit the tween years and truly begin pursuing individual interests and opportunities (by their own decision/motivation).

 

DD had her first "tween girl" party recently and one of our acquaintance families acted miffed that little brothers and sisters were not invited, and rather than allow their oldest dd to attend alone, declined the invitation. DD has no younger siblings that would be apt playmates, the planned activities would have to have been altered to accommodate the tag alongs. Or, I would have been left to babysit them (plus entertain the mom) instead of help with the crafts, games and snacks which dd had thoughtfully planned for her official guests.

 

Same type of thing has happened in casual get togethers; older girls cannot enjoy each others' company because they end up having to placate demanding younger siblings. It's quite discouraging for my kid. And it's not that she dislikes little kids - she loves littles and does a lot of volunteer time with them at church - she just never seems to have quality time with her same age friends in these "package deal" families.

 

LMV, I am really surprised about your daughter's circumstances. I think it quite unreasonable for the friend's mom to not understand that it would be inappropriate to expect her whole family to be included. I would expect that by those older ages, it wouldn't have been an issue.

 

Anyway, thanks for all your replies. And for hearing out my bit of a rant.

[HS Mom in NC]

No.

 

My kids are all individuals.  Sometimes they get invited together sometimes they don't.  I teach them to be oK with that like my mamma taught me to be OK with that.  I've never been in the "everyone gets an invitation" mindset.

 

Also, most of my homeschooling and LDS friends have between 4 and 11 children. That can be a factor.

 

My family get togethers (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Independence Day)  usually run 30+, so I'm not afraid of large groups at my house, but those are my family members.  My kids' friends and acquaintances are not my family members and are not entitled to invitations nor are all or some of my kids entitled to theirs.  

[maize]

Not a package deal, but we're more likely to make time for a get-together if the whole family is involved, just because having six children going six different ways doesn't work out so well for mom-the-taxi-driver-and-family-organizer ;)

[brehon]

Just as an FYI to the people whose kids always come as "a package deal," and insist that all of their kids be included in any invitation..... one or more of your children is probably missing out on a lot of fun activities and good friendships.

 

I don't intend that to sound mean; it's just the way things are. If my child likes one of your kids, that's who he wants to invite over to our house or out for an activity. He doesn't necessarily want to be friends with all of your other children, even if he thinks they are basically nice kids. And your child may want the opportunity to make individual friendships as well, without feeling like he has to drag his brothers and sisters along with him all the time.

 

I don't think siblings should have to share all of their friends with each other. They will always be family to each other, but there is no reason why they shouldn't also have their own individual friendships and activities.

 

And from a mom's perspective, I don't want to feel obligated to entertain a family of five (or whatever) just so my child can play with a kid he likes. It's fine on occasion, but on a regular basis? No. Just no.

 

Completely agree! I wonder if people whose children are all younger tend to fall into the all or nothing camp. My kids' ages span 14-2 [ETA: that's 6 kids, for those of you keeping score at home]. No frigging way would I not allow my teen/tween to attend activities/parties geared toward their ages because my 2 and 4 year olds aren't invited. How completely unfair would that be? And I'm quite certain my eldest boy does not want to attend a ballerina b-day party at the house of one of my 4 yo's friends.

 

And, just for the record, I live 20-25 minutes from town and almost an hour from the nearest big city. Driving 30 minutes one way for activities is not at all unusual for us.

[Seasider]

Just as an FYI to the people whose kids always come as "a package deal," and insist that all of their kids be included in any invitation..... one or more of your children is probably missing out on a lot of fun activities and good friendships.

 

I don't intend that to sound mean; it's just the way things are. If my child likes one of your kids, that's who he wants to invite over to our house or out for an activity. He doesn't necessarily want to be friends with all of your other children, even if he thinks they are basically nice kids. And your child may want the opportunity to make individual friendships as well, without feeling like he has to drag his brothers and sisters along with him all the time.

 

I don't think siblings should have to share all of their friends with each other. They will always be family to each other, but there is no reason why they shouldn't also have their own individual friendships and activities.

 

And from a mom's perspective, I don't want to feel obligated to entertain a family of five (or whatever) just so my child can play with a kid he likes. It's fine on occasion, but on a regular basis? No. Just no.

Amen.

 

It's not only my dd that's frustrated by the extra kids. As those girls in the other families get older, I can overhear snippets of conversation and see looks on their faces that indicate that they are also discouraged that they can't, at least sometimes, have interests aside from their younger siblings.