Is there a tactful way to avoid this situation?

[planner]

First world problems of my own making, I know.

 

I allow my children to take a weekend trip with a friend in lieu of a birthday party. My daughter has chosen to go to LA to the American Girl store twice and my son just chose to go to Disneyland. 

 

The first time we went to American Girl, we brought a good friend and her mom. I paid for all food, hotel, activities, and transportation just like I agreed to do with the mom before the trip. I bought both girls a doll, the friend upgraded her doll to a starter collection (which I also bought for my daughter) and paid the difference, and everything was fine.

 

The second time we went to American Girl, we brought a friend, her sister, and their mom.  We are friends with all of them. I paid for hotel, activities, transportation, and each family paid for their own food. This time, I did not plan on buying all the girls a doll. The mom of the other girls knew this. I bought DD's doll before the trip because I knew our friends were having financial issues and I didn't want them to feel pressure to buy a doll. I told dd I would buy doll outfits for all the girls. I was surprised when the mom bought each daughter two dolls and two outfits a piece. It made me feel bad for my daughter since it was her birthday and she wasn't getting a doll at the store so I made an arrangement with her to use some of her own money and earn some more money and we bought a doll that day as well. I ended up feeling pressured into it.

 

When my son went to Disneyland with a friend and my daughter, I paid for hotel, park tickets, transportation, and planned on buying food as well. I told my kids that weren't getting souvenirs as we had been there four months before and their grandpa had given them a large souvenir budget. They had to spend their own money if they wanted anything. When the friend's mom said that she was sending spending money, I told her that my kids were not getting spending money and that anything they bought would be with their own money. The friend came with an excessively large amount of money and spent the day at Disneyland begging to spend his money to which I kept advising him that he would not want to carry around items all day. He bought any and all concessions he desired. My kids knew I wouldn't do that and didn't even ask. I still felt bad for them though because they had to watch this kid buy whatever he wanted while they did without. Don't get me wrong, I did buy food at the park. They each had two snacks and lunch plus snacks from my purse. Friend probably had eight snacks and refused lunch when I offered to buy him some.

 

My kids really enjoy these trips. I enjoy them. However, I can't help but feel really awkward when friends spend large amounts of money in front of us that we can't spend because we are paying for the basics of the trip. I want to avoid this in the future. The first trip did not bother me because the girls got equal gifts and our friends were overly generous with a birthday gift for my daughter which showed me they appreciated the time and expense of the trip. The second and third trips bothered me because it was my child's birthday trip and my child received less than the other child. Sadly, my son didn't even receive a birthday present from his friend. I know that's not the point but it does make me feel sad that it was clearly stated it was a birthday trip and they spent a lot of money on their child, but none on mine.

 

If I do this again, and I'm sure I will, how do I make sure that spending money is somewhat even or do I just have to let others do what they wish and let my kids learn valuable life lessons?

[Farrar]

You're paying for this experience for these kids. I think you can just say to the parents that you want to control the experience for your kids, who, after all, are basically footing the bill for their friends. This isn't a meet up where everyone is paying their own way. You invited them to a "party" and you get to - within reason, and I think this is within reason - set the agenda. I don't think it's unreasonable to say to the parents, we're not doing any shopping this time, just like it would be reasonable for your kids to take the lead in picking the rides or the restaurant. I don't think I'd go to AG again since it's just a store and that's much more awkward, but something like Disney you don't have to shop.

[SKL]

Do they sell "birthday packages" or anything like that?  If so, that is one way to make sure your child gets a little special treatment that nobody else will get.

 

Other than that, I think you should stick to your guns and only buy what you planned to buy.  Let your kids know that you have budgeted for xyz and your spending on your kid is focused on abc, which may or may not be received on that same day.

 

There will always be people around your kids who spend frivolously, every day of the year.  Just try to focus on quality over quantity.

 

Of course you could always take a trip without a friend, which is what I always do for my kids' birthdays.

[fairfarmhand]

"Mrs. Friend;s mom. In order to avoid awkwardness, here is what I planned for buying the kids stuff/spending money. You know it is my dd's birthday, and it makes things awkward for my dd if things aren't close to equal. In the past, this has been an issue. If you could keep that in mind, I would really appreciate it."

 

For Disney: "He will need x dollars for food. It would help me out if he doesn't have much souvenir money because we end up having to carry that kind of stuff all over the park."

[AK_Mom4]

Not sure how old your kids are..... our way of dealing with it once our kids were 9 or 10 was to give our kids their spending money for snacks/whatever at home and then let them spend it as they wished.  I always paid for regular meals if the kids wanted them.

 

Having their own pocket money made it OK if Friend had more money, because not everything is equal in the world.  I doubt if my kids would have noticed whether they got presents or not - going on the trip with a friend was Huge Fun.

[Arcadia]

A relative might have gifted the 2nd family money to spend at the AG store.  When we went to Disneyland, my parents gifted some money for me to splurge on my kids.

is it the first time your son's friend went to Disneyland? If it is his first time, he might just be like a kid let loose in a candy store.

[SproutMamaK]

I'll be honest... if my kids were invited on a trip like that, it would probably be a once in a lifetime experience for them, and I'd be SUPER grateful. My kids will probably never get to go to Disneyland or the American Girl store. If someone were to pay for the transportation, hotel stay, food, etc.... WOW. I can't imagine having my kids go on a trip like that and then having the people taking them say "Oh, but you're not really allowed to BUY anything. That'll make my kid feel bad; he/she already bought all the stuff he/she wanted on one of our OTHER trips here." That would CRUSH them. I'm not trying to be mean, and I'm probably projecting here, but if they're buying all this stuff as souvenirs and are saving up money to do it, it sounds like these trips are BIG deals to these kids, and I wouldn't want to take that away from them. If it makes your kids feel bad, encourage them to find enjoyment in how excited their friends are to get to do and see all this stuff. Help teach them to experience their friend's joy WITH them, and then they can all be excited about the purchases instead of  your kids feeling left out.

[Farrar]

We spent five days at WDW and only let the kids spend about $20 the whole time. I figured the pictures and memories were the "souvenir." But that may be coloring how I view this. That's part of why I think it *would* be awkward at the American Girl store. I know it's an "experience" store, but it's basically still just a store. There's nothing to do but shop and that's inevitably going to make everyone uncomfortable. There's a million things other than carting around souvenirs to do at Disney.

 

Another way to avoid it is do an experience where there's nearly no shopping. My kids took a friend to a climbing adventure park for a birthday once. I paid, of course. But there was nothing to do but climb then eat. 

[planner]

We spent five days at WDW and only let the kids spend about $20 the whole time. I figured the pictures and memories were the "souvenir." But that may be coloring how I view this. That's part of why I think it *would* be awkward at the American Girl store. I know it's an "experience" store, but it's basically still just a store. There's nothing to do but shop and that's inevitably going to make everyone uncomfortable. There's a million things other than carting around souvenirs to do at Disney.

 

Another way to avoid it is do an experience where there's nearly no shopping. My kids took a friend to a climbing adventure park for a birthday once. I paid, of course. But there was nothing to do but climb then eat. 

Farrar, I like they way you think. I also feel the experience is the souvenir.

 

There is more to do at American Girl than shop.  They have a restaurant and I paid for the experience of eating with your doll. We also did more on this trip than the American Girl store. We went to Santa Monica Pier, Hollywood, and a few other places. I think we were in LA for three days.

 

These kids live in a upper middle class area. The friends we invited on trips are all of similar economic status or even less than us. These aren't once in a lifetime experiences for them. I don't begrudge them spending money. I just think two dolls a girl and an excessive amount of spending money is crazy. I would have been totally fine with one doll and $50 a day.

[ErinE]

I wouldn't put restrictions on other children's spending, other than making it clear (like you did) the experience is what's important, not the shopping. I would find it odd if a parent approached me before a birthday party, asking me to stop my kids from spending money so as not to ruin the party for the birthday child.

 

If my kids were disappointed in a trip to Disneyland or American Girl just because a friend purchased more stuff while there, we'd have a family discussion about gratitude.

[Impish]

Honestly? I'd not bring the friends, and spend the $ that you would've spent on the other kids, on my own kids.

[Catwoman]

Honestly? I'd not bring the friends, and spend the $ that you would've spent on the other kids, on my own kids.

:iagree:

 

That's exactly what I was thinking.

[waa510]

I know celebrating your birthday and doing something special is always more fun with friends, but I feel like it just opens up and awkward can of worms. We just take the kids somewhere special and make it a mommy kiddo date thing too. 

[monstermama]

These kids live in a upper middle class area. The friends we invited on trips are all of similar economic status or even less than us. These aren't once in a lifetime experiences for them. I don't begrudge them spending money. I just think two dolls a girl and an excessive amount of spending money is crazy. I would have been totally fine with one doll and $50 a day.

 

I wonder if the parents are overcompensating.  Like "hey, we don't have to spend any money, so we can give Susie $$$ to spend!"  Maybe they expected that you'd be splashing out more on the birthday kid so they didn't want their kid to feel left out?

 

I'm seriously shocked about the DL boy.  I went on that kind of "experience trip" as a birthday party when I was a tween - just to the local amusement park, so not even as $$$ as DL or the AG store - and part of my parents giving me money was the expectation that I'd treat the birthday kid.  I can't imagine, say, buying myself an ice cream and not my friend, especially on a birthday trip!

 

I don't think there's any polite way to bring it up with the parents.  If it really bothers you, or your kids, I'd do the trip without friends.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

"Excessive spending" is such a relative term that I wouldn't advise alienating your friends by asking them to tone it down, when you are all very well-to-do by anyone's standards. It comes across at being annoyed that your kids are out-classed by high spenders on their own birthdays, which seems a little gauche to focus on in a luxury venue such as those you describe...

 

I think I'd frame it differently.

 

From a manners perspective, what's bothering you is that the guests seem ungrateful for what you have provided on the outing, and are far more concerned with stuffing down sweets and grabbing all the toys their credit cards can manage than in seeing themselves as polite, invited guests who are there to help the birthday child have a pleasant time under parental supervision. Polite children graciously take what they are served, try to be mindful as to the culture of the family and the tone of the events, etc., but they do have to be raised to act that way.

 

So reward the well-behaved guests by inviting them next time. Don't invite boorish people on vacations.

 

If you don't know any well-behaved children but you really want to continue this tradition, you could tell their mothers to not send more than X amount of spending money because you are covering expenses. Then during the trip, treat the children as you treat your own and say no. "Today we are buying one doll, plus I would like to give you each a doll outfit of your choice. If you'd like to buy more, your mommy will have to bring you another day. I'm going to drink my coffee while you look around! I can't wait to see what you choose today!" Or, "It's not time for another treat right now; we'll all be having lunch at noon at the ____ restaurant."

 

 

[Tap]

I think that part of the problem lies in the different expectations you have vs. the other parents.  

 

DD16 and I used to take her boyfriend with us on fun days away, and even full on vacations... and his family would take her with them.  We had very, very different ideas of a day or weekend away.  

We would go to the beach...to see the beach.  We would play in the sand and surf, we would do a little shopping in the kitchy shops but mostly we would hit different beaches and play, relax, take pictures etc.

 

His family, even just going to the beach for the day, would do every touristy thing they could find.  Feed the seals, buy 10 souvenirs from different locations, eat at a specific restaurant, see everything....but spend the entire time on the run and not stopping to enjoy any of it.  

DD, he and I can go away for the weekend, stay in a hotel and spend $500 tops including every little thing.  When she went to Seattle with his family, they did 5 different 'pay to attend' activities (3 in just one day),  and in less than 48 hours there, spent over $1000 (the hotel was $250 of the bill, the rest was spending money).

 

 

 

That is just how they spend a week end.  They are not rich, they are not poor.  But when they go on vacation or for a weekend away, they fill every moment of every day. There was no real way to know this about them until dd saw the distinct differences herself. She came back from that weekend utterly exhausted.  She had fun, but really said she would have preferred to have a little bit of down time to actually enjoy some of the things they got to do.  

 

He had to learn to vacation with us.  He did say later that his vacations with us were some of his favorite memories because they were relaxing and he got to enjoy the people he was with, not just the sights around him.  Once we realized the difference, we would make sure to let him know ahead of time what to expect and he did great adapting.

 

 

Maybe next time just a simple conversation with the parents ahead of time would go a long ways.  Letting them know that you are giving the experience as the gift and that you are giving each  child xyz dollars (including the guest)  to spend while they are there spedifically to keep things fair.  By giving them all spending money, it sets the mark of what you feels is appropriate and tells the parents what your plans are. 

 

 

[planner]

 

 

From a manners perspective, what's bothering you is that the guests seem ungrateful for what you have provided on the outing, and are far more concerned with stuffing down sweets and grabbing all the toys their credit cards can manage than in seeing themselves as polite, invited guests who are there to help the birthday child have a pleasant time under parental supervision. Polite children graciously take what they are served, try to be mindful as to the culture of the family and the tone of the events, etc., but they do have to be raised to act that way.

You are so right.  This is really what is bothering me.

[Greta]

I'll be honest... if my kids were invited on a trip like that, it would probably be a once in a lifetime experience for them, and I'd be SUPER grateful.

Yes, I would be too! But the OP's friends did not seem very grateful, so I can understand her feeling bad and awkward about the whole thing. She provided an all-expenses paid excursion for their kid(s) and her kids didn't even get a birthday gift? I know that when you give something it is supposed to be without any expectations, given freely, I KNOW that. But I couldn't help but feel a little unappreciated in her shoes.

 

So, :grouphug: OP. I have no advice to offer except that next time, I'd be likely to make it a family-only event.

[Reefgazer]

I'd just figure it was such a big honkin' hassle, I'd find something else to do entirely to celebrate the birthday.

First world problems of my own making, I know.

 

I allow my children to take a weekend trip with a friend in lieu of a birthday party. My daughter has chosen to go to LA to the American Girl store twice and my son just chose to go to Disneyland. 

 

The first time we went to American Girl, we brought a good friend and her mom. I paid for all food, hotel, activities, and transportation just like I agreed to do with the mom before the trip. I bought both girls a doll, the friend upgraded her doll to a starter collection (which I also bought for my daughter) and paid the difference, and everything was fine.

 

The second time we went to American Girl, we brought a friend, her sister, and their mom.  We are friends with all of them. I paid for hotel, activities, transportation, and each family paid for their own food. This time, I did not plan on buying all the girls a doll. The mom of the other girls knew this. I bought DD's doll before the trip because I knew our friends were having financial issues and I didn't want them to feel pressure to buy a doll. I told dd I would buy doll outfits for all the girls. I was surprised when the mom bought each daughter two dolls and two outfits a piece. It made me feel bad for my daughter since it was her birthday and she wasn't getting a doll at the store so I made an arrangement with her to use some of her own money and earn some more money and we bought a doll that day as well. I ended up feeling pressured into it.

 

When my son went to Disneyland with a friend and my daughter, I paid for hotel, park tickets, transportation, and planned on buying food as well. I told my kids that weren't getting souvenirs as we had been there four months before and their grandpa had given them a large souvenir budget. They had to spend their own money if they wanted anything. When the friend's mom said that she was sending spending money, I told her that my kids were not getting spending money and that anything they bought would be with their own money. The friend came with an excessively large amount of money and spent the day at Disneyland begging to spend his money to which I kept advising him that he would not want to carry around items all day. He bought any and all concessions he desired. My kids knew I wouldn't do that and didn't even ask. I still felt bad for them though because they had to watch this kid buy whatever he wanted while they did without. Don't get me wrong, I did buy food at the park. They each had two snacks and lunch plus snacks from my purse. Friend probably had eight snacks and refused lunch when I offered to buy him some.

 

My kids really enjoy these trips. I enjoy them. However, I can't help but feel really awkward when friends spend large amounts of money in front of us that we can't spend because we are paying for the basics of the trip. I want to avoid this in the future. The first trip did not bother me because the girls got equal gifts and our friends were overly generous with a birthday gift for my daughter which showed me they appreciated the time and expense of the trip. The second and third trips bothered me because it was my child's birthday trip and my child received less than the other child. Sadly, my son didn't even receive a birthday present from his friend. I know that's not the point but it does make me feel sad that it was clearly stated it was a birthday trip and they spent a lot of money on their child, but none on mine.

 

If I do this again, and I'm sure I will, how do I make sure that spending money is somewhat even or do I just have to let others do what they wish and let my kids learn valuable life lessons?

 

[katilac]

I don't begrudge them spending money. I just think two dolls a girl and an excessive amount of spending money is crazy. I would have been totally fine with one doll and $50 a day.

 

But I don't think you get to decide that for other people.

 

And if you're fine with a kid buying an AG doll and having $50 per day, why aren't you fine with the kid who bought 8 snacks? Even at Disney, it would be hard to spend much more than fifty bucks on eight snacks - and remember, you urged him not to buy souvenirs. The kid spent his own money on his own food, you didn't have to buy him lunch, and your kids had both snacks and lunch. No biggie, imo. It would be nice if he had offered to share his snacks, but  If the disparity bothered you, you could have given your kids his lunch money to buy snacks :laugh:  

 

My kids had a ton of souvenirs purchased for them just a few months ago, so I think their guest should not get any purchased for them on this trip. <<<<<  I don't get this thinking at all. How does someone buying your kids a truckload of souvenirs translate into thinking the other kid should not have someone buy him souvenirs? And your kids could have purchased souvenirs with their own money; they simply chose not to, correct?  

 

And I guess I don't get why you'd be okay with the other girls buying one doll, but not two. I don't see why you would think the other mom would feel pressured to buy a doll at the store if you did, and I don't see why you felt pressured to buy another one because she did. We've been to an AG store, and I don't see how it's that disappointing to bring your brand new doll with you to buy clothes rather than buy her at the store. 

 

If these things bother your kids a lot, then I'd probably change the venue, but to a certain extent you all have to learn to deal with this type of thing. If the party is at the skating rink, should the hostess tell a kid he can't spend money on the video games and prize machines? Even national parks have a gift shop!

 

Yes, it would be nice if the Disney guest had offered to share his snacks, but I'm not ready to sell a little kid down the river over it. In his mind, his mom had given him money to spend, and you were their mom, you were there, and presumably would give them money to spend. 

[Alessandra]

Planner, I think you are right and the guests are wrong. You are being exceedingly generous. In your position, I would be ticked off that the other families spent money on themselves, while you were treating them.

 

It reminds me of being a class mother on school field trips. The teachers said no gift shop, and I was happy to comply. But I still remember one kid who asked about the shop over and over and over. Ugh!

 

Sorry, I do not have any brilliant advice, just sympathy.

[Alessandra]

"Mrs. Friend;s mom. In order to avoid awkwardness, here is what I planned for buying the kids stuff/spending money. You know it is my dd's birthday, and it makes things awkward for my dd if things aren't close to equal. In the past, this has been an issue. If you could keep that in mind, I would really appreciate it."

 

For Disney: "He will need x dollars for food. It would help me out if he doesn't have much souvenir money because we end up having to carry that kind of stuff all over the park."

This.

[planner]

I would just like to clarify that my kids are not bothered. The bother belongs to me alone. My kids haven't complained. I don't think my son has even noticed he didn't get a present. I'm certainly not going to mention it to him. Disney friend had $300 to spend. He spent every last cent. I didn't stop him. I just made him wait until the end of day.

[Word Nerd]

 

My kids really enjoy these trips. I enjoy them. 

 

Do you really, though? That's not my impression after reading your post. It sounds like the trips are stressful and awkward, you feel taken advantage of and unappreciated, and you spend much of the time feeling anxious about how much money the other kids are spending and whether your own kids will feel let down. I'd do something different for the next set of birthdays. Just because you've done it before doesn't mean you can't stop.

[Vida Winter]

AG store and Disney are both geared toward spending $$$. While manageable within the family, this is too large a trip to share with others -- go it alone with your own family. If your dc want to see other children, a small party with cake and games/crafts at home would be fun for them in addition to their trip as long as you don't go overboard - keep it simple.

[katilac]

 <snip> I don't think it's unreasonable to say to the parents, we're not doing any shopping this time, just like it would be reasonable for your kids to take the lead in picking the rides or the restaurant. I don't think I'd go to AG again since it's just a store and that's much more awkward, but something like Disney you don't have to shop.

 

It isn't necessarily unreasonable to say that this isn't a shopping excursion.

 

It's rather more unreasonable to say that your kids can only buy souvenirs with their own money because that's what my kids are doing, and they have to buy less than my kids. 

 

I actually think it's a bit weird and awkward to forbid souvenirs altogether. You can say that there isn't much time to spend shopping, but I certainly wouldn't tell a kid they couldn't buy anything whatsoever. That's a bit over controlling for my taste. 

[SKL]

As far as the Disneyland shopping, I think I'd tell the kids that the time for games / shopping will be ___ [last hour before leaving the park].  Then let them spend their money as they choose.  I'd also give my kids some money to spend.  I mean, once you've decided to foot the bill for that kind of a trip, what's another $20 or whatever, really?  It doesn't have to be the same amount of $ as the other kid.  It is just as much fun to figure out how to spend $20 as any other amount.  ;)  Another idea is to have your child write down items he'd like to add to his Christmas list, since his birthday gift is already bought.  Or pick up something for a family member or friend who is not there.

[Tsuga]

My thought would have been, wow, these people have a ton of money to do this. I can't possibly let them spend MORE money on my child during the trip, than they already have. What a generous gift, and for their own kid's birthday! Wow. Here hon, take all the spare $ I have and don't let them spend a penny on you during the trip. Buy your own ice-cream. Buy your own souvenirs. Don't let them spend a penny more on you. We really can't take more from them. It's not polite.

 

It wouldn't occur to me that someone other than a very rich family would have this activity so I would just encourage my daughters to spend on themselves, and to bring a gift for the birthday kid.

 

So, that may be where this is coming from. They think you've spend enough and want to cover their end of it. Not that they want to spend in front of you.

 

Reading this, I realize that I might have been wrong. I will be mindful of situations like yours in the future. Still, I think that Farrar's suggestion is excellent and really alleviates people's need to take care of their kid in the park.

[Melinda in VT]

As far as the Disneyland shopping, I think I'd tell the kids that the time for games / shopping will be ___ [last hour before leaving the park].  Then let them spend their money as they choose.  I'd also give my kids some money to spend.  I mean, once you've decided to foot the bill for that kind of a trip, what's another $20 or whatever, really?  It doesn't have to be the same amount of $ as the other kid.  It is just as much fun to figure out how to spend $20 as any other amount.  ;)  Another idea is to have your child write down items he'd like to add to his Christmas list, since his birthday gift is already bought.  Or pick up something for a family member or friend who is not there.

 

This is how I would handle it.

 

The amount of money the other kid was spending wouldn't bother me, but it would not be a pleasant day if we had to keep waiting in line to purchase things. (Lines for attractions are enough lines for me, thank you very much.)

 

Now, keep in mind that I hate to shop, and I usually come away from a week at Disney World without having purchased any souvenirs, so that is probably coloring my answer.

[linders]

Honestly? No good way to handle this. I would scale way back on the trips-with-friends.

[livetoread]

Good for your kids for not being bothered. I like to look for money lessons wherever I can find them and this is a great one. I would talk with my kids about how we had a spending budget and didn't change it just because someone else was spending more. We are simply not a souviner family and I might discuss afterwards that memories of an experience are free and that is why we don't spend a lot of money on things. I wouldn't put down the family of the kid who gave him $300 to spend on junk, but just point out that different families have different ideas about money.

 

We are well-off by most standards, but careful with our money. Learning how to not keep up with the Joneses is a great lesson for your kids. I would be bothered too by what you described, but I wouldn't say anything to the parents even for future trips and just consider it another example of money awkwardness that we can learn from.

[linders]

 I just think two dolls a girl and an excessive amount of spending money is crazy.

 

But this is exactly the issue - people's differing perspectives. You think this is over the top - I'm stunned that anyone, regardless of income level, would do a 3-day trip to LA (with a friend and all the trimmings) for a standard kid's birthday. We take a friend to the putt-putt golf place or bowling and then have a sleepover. We could afford to do more, but I'm trying to moderate my DC's expectations. 

 

Perhaps the parents of the friends feel a need to "keep up" with your style by adding in more spending money?

[KungFuPanda]

If you don't make your expectations clear before the trip, there is no way for the other family to know they did it 'wrong' until it's too late and you're upset. Just be more clear next time. "We're doing XYZ, and to avoid carrying things all day we are only souvenir shopping during the last hour. Please do not send more than X dollars for shopping." Sometimes, taking the friend along but leaving their family behind will solve most of these problems.

[madteaparty]

That is upsetting, I agree with you. They can afford to spend the large sums because you are subsidizing everything else!

This may be a naive question but is there a way you can bring a kid into these trips without the parent? I did this (took DS and best friend to DC) and therefore was able to control everything, where we went, the agenda, the food, how much I spent. It was an awesome trip ;).

Otherwise, I would be blunt, but I've no problem doing this. "We would love for you to join us. To avoid any surprises we've set a souvenir budget of X, to be spent on the last day at X park. Please let me know ahead of the trip if this would be an issue for your family."

[mom2att]

I think it's great, and if I had the means I would do similar birthday excursions. In fact, though our means are far less, we HAVE taken along friends to theme parks, vacations, etc. They are always good friends of our children and we are always well acquainted with the families, so it's easy to just treat the guest as one of our own kids, and the families understand this. The kid sometimes brings money, but we make it clear that they are our guest and we will be treating them. I've never had a kid insist on spending his money just because he had it.

 

Really I think an acceptable way to handle it is to tell the parents this is an "all-inclusive" experience and that spending money is neither necessary nor desired. State that you will cover everything for their child, even a spending money allowance. Then toward the end of the trip give each kid, even your own, $20 for them to spend at will. After covering food, hotel, transportation, tickets, etc., what's another $20? And if the kid brings his own money anyway and asks to spend it, just say no.

 

Now for the trip to the AG store where the parent went along, that's tricky, because asking a kid to not spend money is one thing, but an adult? Can't do that. I don't have an acceptable solution there--what the parent spends is her business. Sure she probably could spend more because you footed the bill for everything else, but since you volunteered to do that, she is under no obligation to contribute. And that's why for me I would make these kid-only invitations. My house (or trip, as it were), my rules.

[Ausmumof3]

My thought would have been, wow, these people have a ton of money to do this. I can't possibly let them spend MORE money on my child during the trip, than they already have. What a generous gift, and for their own kid's birthday! Wow. Here hon, take all the spare $ I have and don't let them spend a penny on you during the trip. Buy your own ice-cream. Buy your own souvenirs. Don't let them spend a penny more on you. We really can't take more from them. It's not polite.

 

It wouldn't occur to me that someone other than a very rich family would have this activity so I would just encourage my daughters to spend on themselves, and to bring a gift for the birthday kid.

 

So, that may be where this is coming from. They think you've spend enough and want to cover their end of it. Not that they want to spend in front of you.

 

Reading this, I realize that I might have been wrong. I will be mindful of situations like yours in the future. Still, I think that Farrar's suggestion is excellent and really alleviates people's need to take care of their kid in the park.

I agree, if someone's taking my kid I tend to try to give more than enough money to cover expenses as I don't want them to have to pay more for my kid. I would tend to give the money to the adult to take care of though.

 

It seems odd they didn't give a gift to the birthday kid at all.

 

Tbh this is why I dislike venue type birthdays. If we do a park or home thing wealth disparity is no issue. The other things are fun as a family.

[Hwin]

I don't know what the right answer is, but I'd probably just give you, the parent, the spending money and encourage you to spend it on all the kids. I mean, I would be so thrilled, so, so, thrilled if this type of offer were extended to my son.

 

If a Disney trip was put in front of me, I'd be fine with any monetary limits, or rules for what to pack, or even "E should bring *at least* this much spending money". As long as there were no unexpected expenses.

[Plink]

We travel with friends often.  The key to keeping everyone happy is to avoid worrying about fairness.  Spend what you want, do what you want, but let go of the idea that it will be fair.

 

If Joey buys and enjoys 3 hershey bars, lets be happy for Joey.  

If we paid for dinner tonight, we paid for dinner tonight.  Period.  No expectation of you paying tomorrow.

If one mom loves travel mugs and stops in every shop for a new one, we join in the fun of the hunt for the perfect mug rather than feeling like we need to buy something in every store too.

 

Your guests will never act perfectly, spend exactly what you think is appropriate, or remember to be thankful/polite/gracious when they are overstimulated and travel weary.  If this is stressful for you, then it is time to choose a new method of celebrating birthdays.

[mamakelly]

My thought would have been, wow, these people have a ton of money to do this. I can't possibly let them spend MORE money on my child during the trip, than they already have. What a generous gift, and for their own kid's birthday! Wow. Here hon, take all the spare $ I have and don't let them spend a penny on you during the trip. Buy your own ice-cream. Buy your own souvenirs. Don't let them spend a penny more on you. We really can't take more from them. It's not polite.

 

 

This would totally have been my take on this kind of situation. SO maybe you just need to have an honest conversation with the parents about what your expectations are.