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What would you do if your dd's boyfriend...


GinaPagnato
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...went to the bathroom in your home, and you're pretty sure he did NOT wash his hand afterwards.

 

Scenario: Boyfriend uses the bathroom on the main floor and there are a number of people in the general vicinity. He's in there for a good amount of time, so it's clear he's not just peeing. Plus, it's stinky after, so, you know...

 

Anyway, between the time he flushes and emerges, it's literally moments. Sink hasn't been turned on because there's no sound of water, and you can ALWAYS hear the water running in this particular sink.

 

He comes out having just zipped up his pants. Literally.

 

There is a group of people over for dinner. There will be hand-shaking, hugs, and the sharing of communal utensils, like serving spoons, etc. when food is passed around.

 

Would you say something to him privately? What would you say?

 

Would you say something to DD? What would you say?

 

Would you just hope that nobody gets e.coli?

 

Boyfriend is a nice enough guy, DD is smitten, and you've got the reputation for being friendly, but not overly effusive. IOW, boyfriend feels relatively at ease around you and your family, but he doesn't feel that you're HIS family.

 

WWYD?

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If I were really concerned about it, I'd either pass the hand-sanitizer around to everybody (therefore, not singling him out) or announce to everyone before dinner that it's time to line up at the sink(s) and wash hands. I'd add that goes for everyone, no matter their ages and then I'd join the line myself.

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I'd say nothing. The reality is most people do not wash their hands after using the bathroom or don't wash them properly so we are constantly being bombarded with other people's unsanitary behavior. Your own hygiene is what is most likely going to keep you from getting sick. Don't touch your mouth, nose or eyes. Wash your hands before eating and serve things with utensils so people aren't using their hands to get their food from communal bowls.

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I was just thinking of how mortified the poor guy would be if he thought someone was actively listening while he was using the rest room. It would seem like such an invasion of privacy.

 

Gina, I can understand your feeling of :ack2: but I don't think there is any way you can mention it without embarrassing the guy.

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Possibly a generic "Okay, everybody wash up--dinner's ready to serve!" But that's something I say normally to my kids. I wouldn't directly say anything to him, but yuck! Maybe walk around and dish out instead of passing things? Yuck!

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Depends on the age.

 

Teenager? I'd send him back to wash because I think a teaching role is appropriate with any child/adolescent who is in my home.

 

Adult? I'd say nothing, but if I was really worried I would suggest hand sanitizer for everyone if I could think of an excuse (baby or immune compromised person at the gathering).

Most likely he's not carrying any deadly diseases, bodily excretions are not harmful in and of themselves.

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I won't have said anything.  While I would expect hand washing after pooping, we eat at food courts often enough that it doesn't bug us enough to embarrass the guy.

 

Possibly a generic "Okay, everybody wash up--dinner's ready to serve!" But that's something I say normally to my kids.

 

That is what my hubby would say. My youngest is Mr Clean though so he would have been the "health inspector" making sure everyone washed their hands and wipe them dry.

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More information to clarify:

 

This is my friend's situation, so my use of "you" didn't mean it was ME in the scenario, but more of a general "you." Sorry, I wasn't trying to mislead anyone.

 

I was, however, in attendance at the get together.

 

The boyfriend is 19, I think close to 20.

 

My friend has a pantry/closet thing right next to the bathroom. She was inside it for a couple of minutes rummaging around for more paper products, etc. So she wasn't spying on him. She was in the vicinity for the period of time that is in question.

 

I'm curious to know what you guys would do, so I want to hear that before I tell you what she did.

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I would either ignore it or make a general, "Ok everyone, please wash up for dinner and come to the table" type announcement. 

 

There is absolutely no way you could politely tell him that you observed he didn't wash his hands after using the bathroom and request that he fix it. There just is not. If he was 10, sure. But not 19 or 20. 

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I always wash my hands, but I must confess I'd be absolutely horrified if I knew someone was actually listening to what was happening while I was in the bathroom. I wouldn't say anything to him or dd. How embarrassing! I agree with others. Protect yourself by proper hygiene. Assume not everyone around you has the same level of hygienic care.

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I was just thinking of how mortified the poor guy would be if he thought someone was actively listening while he was using the rest room. It would seem like such an invasion of privacy.

 

Gina, I can understand your feeling of :ack2: but I don't think there is any way you can mention it without embarrassing the guy.

 

not as bad as the city councilman whose mic was still active when he took a bathroom break . . . . the whole chamber heard *everything*.

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I can't imagine noticing, but if on the off chance I did I think make a quick announcement that it is time to wash up for dinner would suffice.  Direct people to the different sink washing options and hope for the best.  My brother has immune deficiencies so it is common when we have a meal together that he asked everyone to please wash their hands before the meal.

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Depends on the age.

 

Teenager? I'd send him back to wash because I think a teaching role is appropriate with any child/adolescent who is in my home.

I think the role of Bathroom Police is way beyond the scope of a "teaching role" for your kid's friends, no matter what their age. I would be creeped out if my kid came home and said his friend's mom was paying close enough attention to what he was doing in the bathroom to know he hadn't washed his hands -- and the idea that she would admonish him for it and tell him to go wash... Yikes. :eek:

 

What someone else's child does in the bathroom is none of my business.

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Ask him to please help you in the kitchen for a moment with something and ask him to thoroughly wash his hands first, probably washing yours first as a demo of how to do it while talking about the importance of hand washing before handling food, eating, and after using toilet. Thank him for his hand washing and his help.  I would not say anything specific about what you heard or did not hear, but would let him know what is important to you in this regard.  I'd also take a look at the bathroom and make sure that everything is clear, like what towels to use.

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Honestly, I'd be weirded out.  I do know that you can sometimes tell that somebody didn't wash their hands and it's awkward.

 

I admire those who thought of "everybody wash up for dinner."

 

Realistically, I'd just be weirded out, would probably wash my hands more, and say nothing.

 

 

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Well I'd be that person.  I can't stand the smell of most soap, therefore I carry my own hand sanitizer and use that instead when I'm out and about.  A few people realize this, most don't, and I certainly don't mention how hideous their soap smells.  The fact that people were paying that much attention to what someone was doing in the bathroom would weird me out, for someone to pull me aside and mention it, yuck!  

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I can't imagine anything the woman could say that wouldn't make her look worse than the kid. He's a guy who didn't wash his hands... she's a woman who listened to someone else in the bathroom and then confronted them about what she overheard. The only way to deal with it tactfully would be to try to get him to wash his hands another way, but to say something outright about it would disturb me a little, and probably create a LOT of problems in the future relationship with the couple. I mean... how does a 20 year old guy get past his possible future MIL listening to him in the bathroom and calling him out on it? That makes things waaaay weird for a long time, lol.

 

Edit: I'm mostly just posting here because I want to remember to watch this thread so I can see what your friend actually did! Something tells me drama ensued, which will make my evening reading more entertaining. ;)

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I'd announce before dinner something like, "OK, everybody wash up, and then grab some food!" While starting the water running in the kitchen and gesturing at the soap... And making eye contact if certain people didn't begin compliantly ambling towards the faucet.

 

I'd try to make it sound as if it's our pre-dinner normal habit, but if necessary, I'd mention that some people were really trying to avoid recent colds/coughs etc.

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I'm trying to imagine how someone would even know unless they are standing outside the door timing the interval between flush and opening door. While I'm very big on washing hands, there is no way I would say anything. I eat at fairs, food courts, mobile food vendors; all I can do is make sure I maintain personal hygiene. Policing my children is one thing; another adult, not my job. Plus I can't imagine how mortified he would be.

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I think it would be easier to say something now, than to find that he becomes a son in law and that it might be far harder to say something to an adult son in law than to a kid.

I would think that his girlfriend's mom commenting on his bathroom habits would pretty much guarantee that the guy would never become a son-in-law. ;)

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Maybe he just had gas and only flushed the toilet to cover the fact that he was just sitting around in the bathroom for a while till it passed, and then he didn't think to wash. It could be anything and there is no way I would comment to any guest in my home about their bathroom habits. Just no.

 

 

ETA: I also can't imagine how mortified and angry my dd would be with me if I did such a thing.

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If it were me and I was that weirded out about it, I'd ask him something like, "Was there enough soap for you in the dispenser? I know we were running low." That way, if he didn't wash his hands he might be inclined to go back and do it (hoping I didn't notice, I'm sure) because he was reminded that he should have done it. I'd never directly say anything, though. 

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No way I would say a word to the  boy or a daughter. I do like the idea of asking everyone to wash up, if that's typical at all, but I wouldn't have thought of it.

 

FWIW, if the rapid spread of fecal borne bacterial diseases on cruise ships and the like teach anyone anything, I think it would be that poop is everywhere! I imagine more than one person had stuff on their hands...from phones, car keys/steering wheels, doors, faucet handles, and similar. His may have been cleaner.

 

 

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Maybe he just had gas and only flushed the toilet to cover the fact that he was just sitting around in the bathroom for a while till it passed, and then he didn't think to wash. It could be anything and there is no way I would comment to any guest in my home about their bathroom habits. Just no.

 

 

ETA: I also can't imagine how mortified and angry my dd would be with me if I did such a thing.

:lol:  :lol:

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This thread has made my day; I needed a laugh!

 

Plus, it is my worst case scenario.  I have a phobia against non-handwashers, and I am picturing myself in this situation.  :ack2:  I can't tell you the times I've been in public restrooms and have seen people walk out without washing.  Which is why I always use a paper towel or my shirt to open the door.  Most doors, really.  Yes, I am a freak and a total germaphobe.  :D

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Well I'd be that person. I can't stand the smell of most soap, therefore I carry my own hand sanitizer and use that instead when I'm out and about. A few people realize this, most don't, and I certainly don't mention how hideous their soap smells. The fact that people were paying that much attention to what someone was doing in the bathroom would weird me out, for someone to pull me aside and mention it, yuck!

Most hand sanitisers don't kill norovirus though so it's worth making sure you have one of the ones that do of this is your strategy.

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I just got here and am finding this a pretty amusing thread!

 

Yeah, there is no way I would confront someone about their bathrooming.  Actually, I'm wondering if she doesn't like the boyfriend and is looking for a way to get rid of him.  Like others have said, I can't imagine the boy would continue to come around if the mom confronted him.  I also can't imagine having a houseful of company and being able to focus on how long someone is in the bathroom, even if I'm working in the room next to it. 

 

Not related but this reminds me of a friend of mine who would go into the guest bathroom and swish the toilet anytime anyone used it.  As you might imagine, once I noticed that, I never stayed at her house long enough to need it.  (And didn't ever drink much while visiting, for that matter.)  Now I wonder if she was checking to see if the soap was wet. 

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ok, if it were me.  I might buy some cute poem and hang it on the wall about putting the seat down, washing hands, etc.  You can't really say anything without him thinking you are weird for noticing....so I would call out, wash hands for dinner(being a mom is your excuse to do this publicly) and walk around with hand sanitizer to anyone who isn't moving toward the sinks ;-)

 

 

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I hate handshaking because I heard a statistic that 80% of men don't wash their hands after every single bathroom use. Asian countries have it right with bowing if you ask me.  I just grit my teeth and try not to think about it when shaking hands.

 

No, I wouldn't say anything to someone who isn't a preschooler or early elementary aged kid. 

 

Also, I camp.  I always wash my hands but I've been around plenty of more primitive situations where people were less inclined to hand wash every time and none got sick or died.  

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