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I had a healing conversation today (a long share)


Chris in VA
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Thank you. I think it may be a bit of a beginning.

 

Now to work on healing the "other brother" thing.

 

sigh

 

I think this life's purpose is a bit to work out stuff, y'know? I can never fully rest when I am out of fellowship with someone. Perhaps if I worked towards healing, it would release some mental energy. It always seems to hang in the backround, when "things" are  not right.

 

My brother is on my Anxiety List. Perhaps if I cleared the air and cleaned the wounds, it would lessen my Anxiety. Capital A. You know, the stuff that is niggling at the back of the mind all the time, using up energy that could be put towards something fulfilling and wonderful.

 

Do you have those things to work on in YOUR life?

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That sounds like it has been weighing you down for so long, Chris. I hope this is the turning point in your relationship with that part of your family, and that you can heal from the bulk of the hurt of losing him.

 

:grouphug:

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Thank you. I think it may be a bit of a beginning.

 

Now to work on healing the "other brother" thing.

 

sigh

 

I think this life's purpose is a bit to work out stuff, y'know? I can never fully rest when I am out of fellowship with someone. Perhaps if I worked towards healing, it would release some mental energy. It always seems to hang in the backround, when "things" are  not right.

 

My brother is on my Anxiety List. Perhaps if I cleared the air and cleaned the wounds, it would lessen my Anxiety. Capital A. You know, the stuff that is niggling at the back of the mind all the time, using up energy that could be put towards something fulfilling and wonderful.

 

Do you have those things to work on in YOUR life?

 

Yes.  And thanks for sharing.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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I'm tasked with inviting our extended family to ds' wedding, so I called my sil.

We don't speak much since my bro died almost 11 years ago. We used to be very close, but not so much now.

There's unresolved hurt on my part.

 

Anyway, it was really a good convo. I just started talking, and before I knew it, we were discussing life in general, and I was able to share some things about my brother and my relationship that I hadn't before--mostly how I didn't feel close to him, and I felt unwanted by him at his deathbed (he had lymphoma and I was there for the last two weeks but made the decision to leave the day before he died--not knowing the end was so near, of course).

 

I withdrew after that, and my wonderful nieces wonder what they did wrong that I didn't really maintain much of a relationship with them.

 

It just hurt so badly to be reminded, every time I encountered them or my sil, of how much my brother really didn't want me.

 

I know, that's kinda selfish. To even be thinking of myself as he lay dying.

 

I felt guilty and so sad that he wouldn't accept my bone marrow but tried to get better by banking his own--the transplant didn't work, and he didn't really ever go into remission. My sil told me, interestingly, that she had talked with his Dr. not too long ago, and the Dr. said he wouldn't have changed anything about the treatment--essentially, that Mark would have gotten a recurrence even if he'd had my marrow.

 

I grieved a long time, and I still do.

 

But today, I talked with her, and shared, as I said, and she has come a long way, too--she has healed.

 

And so very sweetly, when I asked, tearfully, if she thought my nieces would like more of a relationship with me, she said yes. They feel they do have one, but they "want it to be better."

 

I think...

 

I think I may be able to heal.

 

I think there is such grace in love, and today, I saw some I hadn't seen in a while. I have always felt guilty for leaving; I know he didn't want me there, as he was dying, because he didn't want to die. But I know they did want me there, and I left. I did the best I could. So did he. So did she.

 

Lots of tears today. But some light, too.

 

Chris, how wonderful!!

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My brother is on my Anxiety List. Perhaps if I cleared the air and cleaned the wounds, it would lessen my Anxiety. Capital A. You know, the stuff that is niggling at the back of the mind all the time, using up energy that could be put towards something fulfilling and wonderful.

 

Do you have those things to work on in YOUR life?

 

I should, but I ignore it as much as I can instead.  It probably isn't the right answer.

 

I'm glad you shared and I hope relationships continue to improve for you - esp to make the wedding coming up wonderful.

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Chris, I am so happy for you!

 

One thing I learned when my baby girl died in 2003, was that deaths provoke a lot of negative feelings that are hard to resolve. Some of my closest friendships crumbled when Lydia died. I did not know that was possible previously. There are still some relationships that are not repaired almost 12 years later.

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I'm tasked with inviting our extended family to ds' wedding, so I called my sil.

We don't speak much since my bro died almost 11 years ago. We used to be very close, but not so much now.

There's unresolved hurt on my part.

 

Anyway, it was really a good convo. I just started talking, and before I knew it, we were discussing life in general, and I was able to share some things about my brother and my relationship that I hadn't before--mostly how I didn't feel close to him, and I felt unwanted by him at his deathbed (he had lymphoma and I was there for the last two weeks but made the decision to leave the day before he died--not knowing the end was so near, of course).

 

I withdrew after that, and my wonderful nieces wonder what they did wrong that I didn't really maintain much of a relationship with them.

 

It just hurt so badly to be reminded, every time I encountered them or my sil, of how much my brother really didn't want me.

 

I know, that's kinda selfish. To even be thinking of myself as he lay dying.

 

I felt guilty and so sad that he wouldn't accept my bone marrow but tried to get better by banking his own--the transplant didn't work, and he didn't really ever go into remission. My sil told me, interestingly, that she had talked with his Dr. not too long ago, and the Dr. said he wouldn't have changed anything about the treatment--essentially, that Mark would have gotten a recurrence even if he'd had my marrow.

 

I grieved a long time, and I still do.

 

But today, I talked with her, and shared, as I said, and she has come a long way, too--she has healed.

 

And so very sweetly, when I asked, tearfully, if she thought my nieces would like more of a relationship with me, she said yes. They feel they do have one, but they "want it to be better."

 

I think...

 

I think I may be able to heal.

 

I think there is such grace in love, and today, I saw some I hadn't seen in a while. I have always felt guilty for leaving; I know he didn't want me there, as he was dying, because he didn't want to die. But I know they did want me there, and I left. I did the best I could. So did he. So did she.

 

Lots of tears today. But some light, too.

Glad to hear it!  Healing is good for all of you. 

 

(I've lost more than one sibling, so I get it.) 

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It's so hard to know how any of us would handle these huge life moments. 

 

So glad for such a great bridge that was built today for you and your SIL and neices! Life really is short and relationships are so worth every bit of very hard work. Kudos to you for reaching out!

 

Lisa

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