Teenager with Poor Eating Habits

[goldberry]

Do you think a parent should "feed" a teenager that doesn't hardly eat, or eat anything healthy?  DD will eat if I make something for her, most of the time.  If not, often she just doesn't eat.  There are no eating disorders, she has always been not much of an eater.  And, if it is food like junk food, she will eat all she wants.  

 

We don't do a sit-down breakfast usually.  Dad or I grab cereal and fruit, a bagel, yogurt, things like that.  She knows what food is there and how to get it, prepare it, and eat it.  I don't know how many times we are ready to leave the house for something and I ask did she eat breakfast and discover she did not.

 

I work outside the home on Tuesdays, and more often than not I ask what she had for lunch and she says nothing.  She will grab cookies or something else junkie out of the cabinet but not eat any real food.  She goes out with her friends for the day, and I discover that she didn't eat anything but an ice cream all day.  She will go out and I will remind her to "eat something".  Did you eat something for dinner?  Yes.  What?  Peanuts.   :smash:

 

We have talked about that part of being a responsible adult is taking care of your body, and taking care of your body means feeding it fuel that is appropriate.  We have tried education (healthy foods, what the body needs, effects of junk food, etc.) We have tried coercion ("I can't leave you home alone if you don't behave responsibly and eat while I am gone.")  

 

This has gone on about a year now.  I cannot imagine a 16 year old that cannot be trusted to feed themselves a bare minimum of food.  I feel really resentful at the idea that I should have to make food, hand it to this child, and say "eat this".  She is 16!

 

Should I quit trying to get her to eat for herself and just start feeding her again as if she were younger?  Should I just forget it (but I think healthy eating (or really even just EATING) is really important)?  Should I be more strict about it?  Advice??

[regentrude]

I would try several things simultaneously.

Sit down meals as a family. Have breakfast together. Doesn't have to be cooked - cereal, yoghurt and bagel can be eaten together at a properly laid table. Cook lunch/dinner for the entire family, make family meal an enjoyable time.

No junk food in the house. As long as you shop, you are in control which foods enter the home.

Plenty of healthy snack options available ready to eat. Teen may be too lazy to prepare herself food.

More exercise. That will make her hungry.

 

And lastly, I'd back off. Not eating properly for a day or two a week won't do any harm - but harping on eating habits may cause backlash.

 

[Guest]

Her eating might be more disordered than you think, though. I say this because that was me. I was not afraid of eating or gaining weight; I had very low motivation to eat.

 

Do you have any family meals? I did not eat dependably until I had kids and thus, had people I needed to feed. So, in one sense, no, I don't think you should just make her lunch and instruct her to eat it while you're gone, but I do think she would benefit if you had more of a routine of eating meals together.

 

Also, I did not realize how many negative health effects I was suffering due to under-eating, until I wasn't doing it anymore.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Two of my boys are like this. If they have to fix it they just don't eat. If I make food and we sit down together they consume loads of food. They honestly dislike cooking/ preparing food that much. My third son seems to have lived through two years of college entirely on fast food, cheese and crackers and salsa and chips. I always had family meals, healthy food available, purchased fruits&over etc. I have no answers.

[myfunnybunch]

I think I'd get in the habit of sitting down to meals together. If you're setting out food for the family and get into the habit of eating healthy meals together, she's eating but the focus is off of what/how/when she is eating.

[hornblower]

I think if we think of eating disorders as a spectrum, I think this might be on it. 

 

Not eating, eating only unhealthy things are things I would try very hard to influence while the child was still living in my home.

What is her bmi? Does she exercise? Why does she not eat? Is she taking a multivitamin? some vitamin & mineral deficiencies present as loss of taste so everything tastes bleh.  (Zinc especially)

I would try to ensure there is at least one meal/day that she eats with someone (doesn't have to be a big sit down family meal - could be just a wrap or rice bowl that you eat together in front of the tv. as part of a social time together). I'd try to prep lots easy to grab foods in the fridge.

[goldberry]

We do eat dinner as a family, and she eats at that time.  

 

Quill, yes, that is what I would call it, a low motivation to eat.  She has always been that way.  When she was little she would take a bite of something and be "done". But, my mom said she was the same way.  She grew up in war time Germany and wouldn't eat if it wasn't something she liked.  She remembers getting extra food rations to "fatten her up" and then refusing to eat them.  

 

She is a normal weight for her height (a little thin, 5'9, 125lbs), but probably because she eats high calorie foods when she does eat.  

[goldberry]

Two of my boys are like this. If they have to fix it they just don't eat. If I make food and we sit down together they consume loads of food. They honestly dislike cooking/ preparing food that much. My third son seems to have lived through two years of college entirely on fast food, cheese and crackers and salsa and chips. I always had family meals, healthy food available, purchased fruits&over etc. I have no answers.

 

 

YES!  This is what it seems like.  Although why putting a bagel in the toaster or making a sandwich counts as "preparing food" is beyond me.  

[Guest]

Adding this: for myself, it seemed to be a combination of not wanting to put in the effort of preparing food (which is why eating out or eating ready-made food was appealing) and I had a strong need for food to taste consistent (which was why junk food or fast food was appealing). I have a wide food repertoire now, but I am still not an adventuresome eater. I'm not concerned with variety; I am comforted by predictable food flavors and presentations.

[Caribbean Queen]

Meal times are a part of our daily routine.  Breakfast is at 8:00 before brushing our teeth. Getting food whenever you feel like it doesn't work for us.  Too much mess in the kitchen, and one of my kids would starve.

 

She could set an alarm to remind her to eat lunch when you're gone.  Call and check if she is eating.

[goldberry]

So seems like the general vibe so far is that yes, I should just make more food for her (or eat with her) and more easily available. 

 

Is it normal to still have to do that for a 16 yo?  And then won't the same problem still be there like it is for joyofsix's boys?

[goldberry]

Teen may be too lazy to prepare herself food.

 

 

Yes, this plus the low food motivation = not eating.  

 

That's kind of ridiculous though, isn't it?  Too lazy to eat?

[xixstar]

I have a 19yo that has followed this pattern for years. I wish that I had spent more energy making food for them and now they're never home and I feel they rarely eat anything. I felt like they should do it and so I didn't make the extra effort -- they never did and I think their mental health would improve of they ate better and more food. Now at 19 and since they are gone 6 days out of 7, there is little I can do than wish I had done more.

[goldberry]

Meal times are a part of our daily routine.  Breakfast is at 8:00 before brushing our teeth. Getting food whenever you feel like it doesn't work for us.  Too much mess in the kitchen and one of my kids would starve.

 

She could set an alarm to remind her to eat lunch when your gone.  Call and check if she is eating.

 

When i was a teenager (I was the last kid at home), my mom quit making breakfast when I started high school.  I got up every morning and had a piece of cheese toast on whole wheat bread and sometimes a banana.  Not a huge variety there, but I made something and ate it.  

 

As I said, we do have dinner together, even when it is pizza or something we eat as a family.  But breakfast and lunch, I quit "making" when dd was about 14 or so.  If I am making something for myself, I will ask her if she wants one for her.  Sometimes she doesn't though, and says she will make something else.  Usually she doesn't follow through and ends up not eating.  She is just very particular about only wanting to eat food that sounds appealing to her at that moment.

[AK_Mom4]

DS19 rarely gets hungry.   He ignores his body most of the time (his own description).  When food is served, he eats, but unless someone else is preparing it, making food is rarely worth the effort for him.  He will do the "wander though" and find something easy to eat.  He really isn't a picky eater in that he eats just about everything.

 

We had a long talk before he went off to college about how that was not going to work so well.  Rarely was food going to wander through his dorm room, LOL.  Even with the knowledge that he was going to have to make more of an effort, this skinny kid has lost at least 15 pounds his freshman year.  Generally, he would get food once a day when he was going by the cafeteria on his way back from class.  Oi!

 

I think it is something he will have to continue to work on over time.  Or marry someone who REALLY loves to cook.

 

ETA: while he was still in high school, I would make breakfast for him and DH packed a lunch for him every day.  Even when he was homeschooling, LOL.  While he was still a minor at home, it was important enough to me to make sure he got fed regularly.  When he is home at breaks, I still tend to feed him (out of habit I'm sure) but his mood greatly improves when he eats so it's worth it to me.

[Guest]

So seems like the general vibe so far is that yes, I should just make more food for her (or eat with her) and more easily available.

 

Is it normal to still have to do that for a 16 yo? And then won't the same problem still be there like it is for joyofsix's boys?

I would focus less on what is or isn't "normal" to have to do and just look at what you can do to optimize her relationship with food. My mother abandoned regular meal-making when I was around 12yo. I think it was detrimental. She stopped making my school lunches (presumably she felt I was old enough to make them myself, which I was, but i didn't). Day after day, I would just eat nothing for lunch. I did often wish I had brought money for lunch, but my mother wasn't overseeing it any more and I was not motivated to seize the task and make it myself.

[The Girls' Mom]

I don't really know what the appropriate answer is.  My 18 year old will not usually prepare anything for herself, and often dinner is the only meal she eats.  The food is available, she just doesn't care or get hungry enough to make it and eat it. I don't cook for her, and our schedules definitely don't work for a family meal other than dinner.  I don't fight her over it.  My almost 20 year old niece is similar.  She has always eaten like a bird.  When left to her own devices will eat very little, and won't bother to cook for herself.  

 

[regentrude]

Although why putting a bagel in the toaster or making a sandwich counts as "preparing food" is beyond me.  

 

When my DH lived on his own, he never cooked.

He wouldn't think of toasting a bagel but simply eat the bagel as it comes out of the bag.

He won't make himself a proper sandwich, but eat a chunk of cheese and a chunk of bread. Maybe stacked on top of each other. 

He eats apples, or peppers, or any other ready to eat fruit or veggie, but would never ever think of making a salad. Why the effort?

 

Food prep is effort. If you have a teen who does not have much of an appetite and low motivation to eat, you need to make nutrition as easy as possible.

[redsquirrel]

First off the top of my head is why is there 'junk' in the house? Peanuts aren't optimal for dinner, but also there is protein and some fats..but was it 2 peanuts or several handfulls?

 

But, to be honest, it doesn't seem like a typical eating pattern. Is she of a healthy weight? Is she healthy in general? Does she get cold easily, are her eyes bright and her skin soft, lips not chapped, periods regular etc?  She is 16 so she should be fairly busting with health and vitality no matter what she eats, lol.

 

She might be a low interest eater, that is true. My older boy can be a bit like that, but he is a dancer and dancers eat like horses. 3 hours a day of dancing will really increase your appetite. But, when school is closed for breaks, his appetite plummets and I end up tossing out lots of food. If he's not moving, he's just not interested in eating. But he will snack, pick at things. I don't keep stuff like cookies in the house as a rule, but he will eat cheese or carrots and hummus. He doesn't like fruit, but will eat a bit of dried fruit if it is around.

 

I do keep a lot of prepared food in the house, again, with the heavy dance schedule for both boys I need to have healthy food ready to go: hard boiled eggs (we go through LOTS), dried fruit, cheese sticks, peanut butter, almonds, bagels, plain yogurt, granola etc. I also make nutrient dense smoothies and hand them out on a regular basis.  If I didn't have that stuff around they would mostly eat peanut butter sandwiches, lol. I don't know if it is that they don't like to fix food for themselves, or that they really don't have the time. My son is home for 15 mins between school and dance, and then it's dinner/homework/bed.  Weekends are full of rehearsals and more homework. So, that makes it difficult to gauge how much cooking he would do for himself if needed. But I do know he would eat a whole lot less without regular activity

[LibraryLover]

Please don't quote. I want to help folks as much as I want to keep my kids' stories private.

 

One of my older kids in college is not eating well. (I can see via social media.)  It makes me feel impotent.  As for the children in my home, yes, I cook for them. I pack lunches for the young teen, I don't buy junk (much).  I make sure there are veggies, salads,  and good proteins for dinner. One of mine is an athlete, and still sometimes forgets to eat. "You are crying because the last time you ate a piece of protein was 5 hours ago and you just worked out for 3 hours. Here's an egg salad sandwich."  Oh, the world is right again?  Great. You're welcome.  <I don't say it this way, or with snark, I promise.>  It's more like, "Babe, you must be starving. Your day is so long. " Then I listen to an indignant lecture on why I'm wrong and why dc is not starving. Ok. "Here. Would you like some water with that?"  

< And btw, here is your cold liver oil gel cap. >  <--- Which I also do not say, but put gelcap by the water.

[swellmomma]

My teen dd is going through this right now too.  SHe was always a poor eater but now her food choices are limited due to her braces and the new hardware attached to them and she is eating even less (only soft foods allowed and she hates the texture of most soft foods).  The breaking point for us was she weighed herself yesterday and she is down 5lbs this month (and that is while pmsing when she would normally have a gain) and as a very petite girl anyway, that is bad.  So the new rules are that she has to eat something that I approve of at least twice a day.  She is not even eating her favorite junk foods because she can't due to the dental work.  I have warned her that if she drops any more weight she will have to start drinking boost or ensure and she hates those.  I still don't think she is getting enough calories for a growing teen but she is trying harder to eat more, once we have established frequency I will change my requirements for specific nutrition.

SHe has another 18 months with braces so we have to nip this now before she makes herself sick.  Before the braces she often did not feel hungry at all and doesn't think to prepare herself something.  I usually phone home from work midday on my long days and specify she has to make something to eat.  On my days home I tell her it is a mealtime and she must eat.  

[hornblower]

based on the additional info I think I'd definitely push a multivitamin with zinc & probably also an efa supplement.  Zinc deficiency affects your taste and your smell and makes everything unappetizing.

Can you get her into smoothies? I detest cooking but cereal & soy milk, a green smoothie & handful of nuts don't really take any effort.  When I'm ambitious I'll pan fry some pressed tofu & shove it in a bun. That's the extent of my day to day cooking so I get the not wanting to cook.... 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ds17 and I are now on a healthy eating plan together.  It is totally his choice.  I offered to do it with him.  I explained why I thought it was important - healthy food habits now will help him both now and in the future.  Then I shut up for days.  After a few days of thinking about it, he came to me and decided he wanted to do it.  We cook together.  We shop together.  I am now much more confident that when he leaves he will have the skills and routines he needs to have healthy food habits.  

[Scarlett]

Do you think a parent should "feed" a teenager that doesn't hardly eat, or eat anything healthy? DD will eat if I make something for her, most of the time. If not, often she just doesn't eat. There are no eating disorders, she has always been not much of an eater. And, if it is food like junk food, she will eat all she wants.

 

We don't do a sit-down breakfast usually. Dad or I grab cereal and fruit, a bagel, yogurt, things like that. She knows what food is there and how to get it, prepare it, and eat it. I don't know how many times we are ready to leave the house for something and I ask did she eat breakfast and discover she did not.

 

I work outside the home on Tuesdays, and more often than not I ask what she had for lunch and she says nothing. She will grab cookies or something else junkie out of the cabinet but not eat any real food. She goes out with her friends for the day, and I discover that she didn't eat anything but an ice cream all day. She will go out and I will remind her to "eat something". Did you eat something for dinner? Yes. What? Peanuts. :smash:

 

We have talked about that part of being a responsible adult is taking care of your body, and taking care of your body means feeding it fuel that is appropriate. We have tried education (healthy foods, what the body needs, effects of junk food, etc.) We have tried coercion ("I can't leave you home alone if you don't behave responsibly and eat while I am gone.")

 

This has gone on about a year now. I cannot imagine a 16 year old that cannot be trusted to feed themselves a bare minimum of food. I feel really resentful at the idea that I should have to make food, hand it to this child, and say "eat this". She is 16!

 

Should I quit trying to get her to eat for herself and just start feeding her again as if she were younger? Should I just forget it (but I think healthy eating (or really even just EATING) is really important)? Should I be more strict about it? Advice??

Wow you are exactly describing my ds15 right down to not eating if I leave him home for the day. Off to read the replies....

[ThisIsTheDay]

Such an interesting and informative thread.  Yes, I have a 20 yodd who sounds like this.  While I don't believe there is any sort of eating disorder (or spectrum) involved, I appreciate seeing those comments.  She had years of stomach issues as a kid which were miraculously mostly resolved about four years ago.

 

She does not have much motivation to actually fix food, and she often will not eat if someone doesn't fix food for her. She likes food well enough. She's slim, but not too slim, and she's healthy.

 

When she went to college two years ago, her toughest challenge was finding food every day.  I know that sounds silly.  She adjusted so easily in every other area, but to have to go out and get food each day was exhausting and almost overwhelming to her.  (And yes, she lived on campus and had a super generous meal plan). This year, she's in an on campus apartment with a kitchen.  Every 2-3 weeks, I prepare a dozen or so meals, freeze them in serving sizes to take, plus bring up cut up fruit and salad things, and then we go food shopping for easy snack food, sandwich things, and other easy to eat items, including frozen things.  I drive three hours to deliver food, and I also take her out to lunch and pick something up for her to eat for dinner.

 

It's eased all of her stress from "food foraging" last year.  It sounds almost ridiculous that I go to such lengths, but I know that it's making a huge difference for her.  She's very slim and likes to eat healthy, and she eats a couple of very small meals throughout the day, no side dishes usually.  She appreciates the food that I bring, and she is almost always the one making the suggestions on what meals I will cook (3-4 servings of 3-4 different meals).  Honestly, it can sometimes be hard for me to maintain this.

 

When she's home, dh will often fix food for her when asked.  I just can't. We eat dinners together almost all of the time, but not other meals.

 

I would love to have all of those easy, high protein, accessible snacks mentioned above, but I also have a teen boy who eats, well, like a teen boy.  He'd scarf that stuff down in a heartbeat.  She will often convince him to fix her food after we've gone to bed, although to be fair, she will sometimes fix things for him too.

 

OP, I don't know what the best solution for you.  While I never really planned on doing this (!!!), I don't mind it. If I resented it, we'd/she'd have to figure something else out.  But I know I won't regret it.  It's just the way things have worked out.

 

I really am paying attention to the comments and suggestions here.

[Scarlett]

Well, I am glad to see I don't have the only teen like this.

 

I am going to continue to feed him and try to be less irritated by his lack of motivation. If I leave him home alone for the day I literally call him at noon and tell him to eat. I often make him a peanut butter and honey sandwich and leave it for him, he eats a ton of food when I make supper....he has a good appetite when someone else does the work for him.

[texasmama]

Two of my boys are like this. If they have to fix it they just don't eat. If I make food and we sit down together they consume loads of food. They honestly dislike cooking/ preparing food that much. My third son seems to have lived through two years of college entirely on fast food, cheese and crackers and salsa and chips. I always had family meals, healthy food available, purchased fruits&over etc. I have no answers.

My 14 year old is like this.  Left to his own devices, he will eat nothing until hunger gets the better of him and then he will reach for tortilla chips.

 

Adding this: for myself, it seemed to be a combination of not wanting to put in the effort of preparing food (which is why eating out or eating ready-made food was appealing) and I had a strong need for food to taste consistent (which was why junk food or fast food was appealing). I have a wide food repertoire now, but I am still not an adventuresome eater. I'm not concerned with variety; I am comforted by predictable food flavors and presentations.

This is my ds.

 

For me, the need for nutrition and calorie intake wins over the need for my to help him be an independent food preparer.  I don't know what he will do when he is on his own, so I affect what I can affect right now. I prepare foods that are easy to reheat and leave them in the fridge.  He is very picky.  He will not eat rather than eat something he dislikes.  He will eat a baked potato with shredded chicken and bbq sauce on top so I keep these ingredients cooked and ready to go in the fridge.  All he has to do is heat it up.  Sometimes he will still eat tortilla chips instead.  I was gone overnight for a trip with little dd this weekend, and ds14 called me at about 1 pm on Saturday to tell me had eaten nothing all day.  I reminded him of the baked potatoes and chicken in the fridge.  I still doubt he did anything about it.  His dad grilled steaks for dinner so he had at least on meal that day.  Recently I saw that he had made himself two fried eggs, and I just about fell out because this does not happen often.  He is just not interested enough in food to go to any trouble to prepare it.

 

Will your dd reheat a breakfast burrito if you make some and freeze them?  Smoothies are also a good idea.  

[goldberry]

 

Can you get her into smoothies?

 

 

She loves smoothies.  Again, if I make them and hand them to her.  *sigh*

 

Alright.  Apparently this is a thing for some kids and I need to step up to the mommy bench on this one.  It is important to me that she eats well enough at least while she is still growing and developing her brain.  I can't control what happens after, but maybe at least the foundation will help.

[goldberry]

Well, I am glad to see I don't have the only teen like this.

 

I am going to continue to feed him and try to be less irritated by his lack of motivation.

 

Yep... thanks for all your comments, everyone!    I'm glad to have the perspective

[forty-two]

I'm like this - in college I'd not eat until past lunchtime, and then it was a pop-tart in class. Part of it is that I don't tend to feel hungry - I just get run down and tired. And the more I need food, the more tired I am and the less anything sounds good. Junk food is easy to default to both because it's easy, and because mentally and emotionally it always sounds good, even when physically nothing sounds good. I try not to keep junk food around anymore because of that, but then there's nothing I want to eat, and the more I don't eat, the more I don't feel like eating - it's a vicious cycle, one that's hard to break.

 

It fluctuates with my overall health - when I'm exercising regularly and eating regular, good meals and otherwise feel really good, I will feel hungry like I'm supposed to. But once exercise drops off, or I start letting meals slide or skipping meals or eating junk for meals, or just quit feeling top of my game for some reason, I quit feeling hungry again. And that makes it hard to eat regularly enough, which keeps the whole not feeling hungry thing going.

 

I try to keep easy protein heavy snacks around, ones that are tasty enough that I'm interested in eating them even when I don't feel like eating anything but are also full of nutrients. And I've learned to identify the listless, tired feeling as a sign I might need to eat if it's been a while since I last ate. Really I need to get a regular eating schedule going, because even though I've been making a real effort to eat regular-ish, it's still been months since I properly felt hungry :(.

[Catwoman]

My ds is 15 and is capable of cooking his own meals if necessary, but I still cook three meals a day for him.

 

Honestly, if I had a kid who wasn't eating well, I would much prefer to go out of my way to do some extra cooking than to continually worry that he or she wasn't getting the proper foods each day. I know it's a nuisance when you're busy with other things, though! :grouphug:

 

At my house, though, I'm usually saying things like, "You're still hungry? How could you possibly still be hungry? Are you ever not hungry???" ;) (I'm pretty sure that's a teenage boy thing, though!)

[Seasider]

I have fought this battle for a few years. I am hoping the autonomy and camaraderie of a university dining hall will help. 

[goldberry]

. Really I need to get a regular eating schedule going, because even though I've been making a real effort to eat regular-ish, it's still been months since I properly felt hungry :(.

 

I think what you are describing is exactly what happens to DD.

 

Although, I for one, cannot conceive of not ever feeling hungry. :)

[Seasider]

 

Amazon prime is my friend for sending vitamin supplements to college guy.

[Catwoman]

I think what you are describing is exactly what happens to DD.

 

Although, I for one, cannot conceive of not ever feeling hungry. :)

I often forget to eat, so I can understand that if your dd is busy with something else, food isn't high on her priority list.

 

It's not a particularly healthy way to live, though, and hopefully if you keep feeding your dd, she will develop regular eating habits.

[LibraryLover]

Amazon prime is my friend for sending vitamin supplements to college guy.

 

Cod liver oil.   :)

[elegantlion]

So seems like the general vibe so far is that yes, I should just make more food for her (or eat with her) and more easily available. 

 

Is it normal to still have to do that for a 16 yo?  And then won't the same problem still be there like it is for joyofsix's boys?

 

My ds is 17 and grazes. He can cook well and will, but only as a last resort most of the time. I'm not home enough to oversee every meal and dinner is often at 8pm, which is late for me. 

 

Part of his challenge is that he is picky (so am I) and has a refined palette. He can taste the difference between brands of food, like potato cakes. We just had this discussion the other day. With our budget, I can't buy a huge amount of foods to try, we have to stick to basics and try usually one new thing every couple of weeks. 

 

I try to keep proteins around and sometimes I just go for calories. He's thin and is most likely done growing. 

[forty-two]

I think what you are describing is exactly what happens to DD.

 

Although, I for one, cannot conceive of not ever feeling hungry. :)

I think back to my younger self, when my mom was feeding me, and I can't fathom it either. I use to wake up famished, had to eat breakfast first thing. And I used to keep food in my purse because I'd get hungry when out and need to eat. And now I can forget to eat breakfast because I just don't even feel hungry, and I haven't touched my purse snacks in months - it's weird. But even then, sometimes I'd miss a meal and not notice till I was getting draggy and weepy.

 

Anyway, I've noticed that for me starting the day out right with a timely breakfast goes much better than delaying or missing breakfast and spending the rest of the day trying to catch up. My day tends to be a delayed breakfast and an even more delayed lunch, and while that's enough to stay functional, it's not enough to feel hungry, and so probably isn't that healthy. Which kind of sucks because of how much effort it takes just to make myself actually *have* something for lunch, but all that effort kind of let me lose sight of just how delayed my meals tend to be these days.

[Caribbean Queen]

she... says she will make something else.  Usually she doesn't follow through and ends up not eating.  She is just very particular about only wanting to eat food that sounds appealing to her at that moment.

 

Make 'Get Your Own Breakfast And Eat It' a required part of her morning routine. 

Just like she can't forget to brush her teeth and use deodorant, she must learn to make this a habit.

[Pam in CT]

My 16 yo son doesn't have an "on" button that signals to him to eat.  When he was young, it was a real struggle to get enough food into him.

 

It's somewhat better now.  When I cook a meal and put it in front of him, he'll eat it and even take seconds sometimes.  If I leave a bowl of fruit on the counter, he'll take a piece.  If I leave a bowl of carrots and some hummus out, he'll take some.  If I stick a bowl of nuts beside him as he does homework, he'll (absentmindedly) eat them all.

 

But he doesn't get the signal on his own.  Left on his own for the day, he will, literally, eat nothing.at.all.

 

I have no idea how it will work when he goes off to college in a couple of years.

 

 

My college age daughter hosts dinner parties; my 12 yo makes pasta, eggs, simple meals.  I've *taught* my son to do the same.  He just doesn't feel any hunger.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

When my DH lived on his own, he never cooked.

He wouldn't think of toasting a bagel but simply eat the bagel as it comes out of the bag.

He won't make himself a proper sandwich, but eat a chunk of cheese and a chunk of bread. Maybe stacked on top of each other. 

He eats apples, or peppers, or any other ready to eat fruit or veggie, but would never ever think of making a salad. Why the effort?

 

Food prep is effort. If you have a teen who does not have much of an appetite and low motivation to eat, you need to make nutrition as easy as possible.

 

 

My DH was the same. He was fed by the Navy for six years and lost his appetite for galley food; he only wanted fresh and ready to go items. Yet he did care about his health, so he bought whole grain breads, cheeses, fresh fruits and vegetables, nuts and seeds. Sometimes yogurt, or occasionally he'd scramble some eggs. But mostly it was just his cheese and bread and fruit or veg in hand.

 

My sons have all been taught how to shop and how to cook, and two even work in restaurants. But when life gets busy they act like the other young people in the thread and just don't eat, until they finally reach for something junky while they're out and about. :( They totally know better. Cooking is not difficult for them at all. But they just shut down and don't think about it.

 

I've decided that their subconscious is telling me that they need one area in life where it still feels like someone is nurturing them in some way. Meals are an obvious place for this feeling to go, especially in our family as meals at the table were a thrice-daily family event during their entire childhood. So I'm cooking, and packing lunches, and handing people food, long past the time when they did learn to do it for themselves.

 

I don't know what they're going to do when they're out of the home and grown up. Hopefully they will have roommates, spouses, or partners who either like to cook, or who will at least help them create a second home culture of proper eating, whatever that looks like for them. I don't think any of these people should ever live alone unless they live over a delicatessen.

[goldberry]

Make 'Get Your Own Breakfast And Eat It' a required part of her morning routine. 

Just like she can't forget to brush her teeth and use deodorant, she must learn to make this a habit.

 

I have tried that.  She still doesn't do it consistently.  So I am faced with making a consequence/punishment issue out of food (which my gut says is not appropriate, especially at 16) or finding a different tactic.  

[Joker]

My teen dds will not eat breakfast or lunch unless it is made for them. I was the exact same way and went without for years. It didn't hurt me. Dh went without lunch for years for the same reason and it didn't hurt him. Dh makes breakfast and I make their lunch. If one of us forgets, they just do not eat. Oldest is anemic so we don't forget that often because it is important to us that she eats (even if she doesn't care). I always make/provide dinner so that is not an issue. We do not punish for food here. We were the same, our parents were the same, etc. I really don't doubt they will be okay as adults.

[Catwoman]

I have tried that. She still doesn't do it consistently. So I am faced with making a consequence/punishment issue out of food (which my gut says is not appropriate, especially at 16) or finding a different tactic.

I think you are right not to make it into a big deal. It's probably easiest in the long run to just feed her. It doesn't have to be big fancy meals; you just want her to eat something halfway nutritious with some calories to keep her going for the day, right?

[J-rap]

When I was growing up, I was never hungry in the morning.  I think my digestive system was just slow in kicking in.  Even looking at food made me feel sick.  My mother was determined to send me to school with at least something in my stomach though, so she went through a multitude of things before she found something I could stomach and eat fairly quickly before school.  She probably invented the modern-day smoothie -- ha.  This would have been around 1970.  She would throw a banana, orange juice, and a raw egg in the blender.  That was before raw eggs were considered a health risk!  Anyway, that's something I could handle, and that would "wake up" my stomach so that I'd be hungry again at lunch.

 

I'm still that way.  I can barely tolerate breakfast, but I do make sure to eat a protein-rich breakfast bar.  Can you get something like that? 

 

I also find that I tend to be a grazer throughout the rest of the day, but that's not good for me because my stomach must be small.  So if I eat just a handful of peanuts at 5:00, I'm not hungry for dinner at 6:00.  Then I'm weirdly hungry at 9:00 so I just eat something quick before bed.  That is, that's what I WOULD do if I let my stomach rule.

 

So, what I've learned about myself is that I'm better off eating something quick and protein-heavy at breakfast, like a breakfast bar, and then not much snacking allowed during the day so that my stomach has room for a healthy, bigger meal.  I'd get rid of the junk food in your house and try and eliminate most snacking (but not completely).  I know some people are "grazers," but honestly, when I do that, I'm never hungry for a bigger meal which is when I would take the time to actually eat vegetables and all those other good things.

 

I would do everything I could to not make food a psychological issue. 

[Tsuga]

What I find interesting about this thread is that everyone is not all like, "Oh yeah, when I was 14-20, if left to my own devices I survived on ramen, Skor bars, Mountain Dew, cafe au lait, and occasionally a Salad of Virtue to make up for it all."

 

When I reminisce about my high school days with my partner and old friends, though our mothers did make us dinner every night but had us pour our own cereal and make our own lunches (because come on, you're SIXTEEN, get it together), we almost all ate way, way too much candy.

 

Most of us who were raised to eat real food eventually came around. Those who were not, never did.

 

So my perspective is, while it's painful to watch as an adult, it seems totally normal. Teens make lazy choices at times. My choices were purely lazy. I didn't even want to chew an apple, LOL! That's how lazy I was! I don't know why.

 

I'd let it go. I have had to let a lot go even with my step kids. We provide really healthy dinners and aside from that, just laugh about our own stupid choices as teens.

 

(My own mother scolded me mildly at the time, but later admitted her own lunch throughout high school was also a candy bar and a Coke, but... with a cigarette in the girls' room!)

[Joyofsixreboot]

based on the additional info I think I'd definitely push a multivitamin with zinc & probably also an efa supplement. Zinc deficiency affects your taste and your smell and makes everything unappetizing.

 

Can you get her into smoothies? I detest cooking but cereal & soy milk, a green smoothie & handful of nuts don't really take any effort. When I'm ambitious I'll pan fry some pressed tofu & shove it in a bun. That's the extent of my day to day cooking so I get the not wanting to cook....

I actually had a kid say chewing is too much effort. I have had success with a protein shake I make and take to him. He honestly can't be bothered to stir protein powder in. A smoothie with an actual blender would never happen

 

OP- I have convinced them to have a glass of milk in the morning after about an hour. Not the breakfast I prefer but it is better than nothing.

[Joyofsixreboot]

What I find interesting about this thread is that everyone is not all like, "Oh yeah, when I was 14-20, if left to my own devices I survived on ramen, Skor bars, Mountain Dew, cafe au lait, and occasionally a Salad of Virtue to make up for it all."

 

When I reminisce about my high school days with my partner and old friends, though our mothers did make us dinner every night but had us pour our own cereal and make our own lunches (because come on, you're SIXTEEN, get it together), we almost all ate way, way too much candy.

 

Most of us who were raised to eat real food eventually came around. Those who were not, never

did.

 

So my perspective is, while it's painful to watch as an adult, it seems totally normal. Teens make lazy choices at times. My choices were purely lazy. I didn't even want to chew an apple, LOL! That's how lazy I was! I don't know why.

 

I'd let it go. I have had to let a lot go even with my step kids. We provide really healthy dinners and aside from that, just laugh about our own stupid choices as teens.

 

(My own mother scolded me mildly at the time, but later admitted her own lunch throughout high school was also a candy bar and a Coke, but... with a cigarette in the girls' room!)

Because I never had access to that stuff? Honestly, I had no $$ to purchase it, took my lunch. I probably would have if I could have but....other than at someone's party or something I didn't eat junk. I probably drank too much coffee though. When I think of when they let me start to drink coffee. Oy.

[Pam in CT]

...

 

I've decided that their subconscious is telling me that they need one area in life where it still feels like someone is nurturing them in some way. Meals are an obvious place for this feeling to go, especially in our family as meals at the table were a thrice-daily family event during their entire childhood. So I'm cooking, and packing lunches, and handing people food, long past the time when they did learn to do it for themselves.

 

....

 

I like this way of understanding it; I'm going to go with it myself.   :laugh: Thanks!

[fairfarmhand]

Plenty of healthy snack options available ready to eat. Teen may be too lazy to prepare herself food.

 

 

Mine will actually stand around whining about being hungry, but just not want to take the time to fix her own food.