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guilt over spending money on yourself


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My phone posted my OP before I had finished typing it. Trying this again.

 

I've had a pair of cute, comfy-looking shoes in my virtual shopping cart for almost a week. They aren't that expensive and I can afford them, but they exceed the mostly arbitrary amount I have set in my head as being the maximum I should pay for shoes for myself. I've bought multiple pairs of shoes for my kids that cost more than that amount, so why do I feel guilty if I spend more on things for myself? I'm the same way with clothes. Can anyone else relate? It makes no sense for me to feel guilty for buying clothes for myself, but I still do. 

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I mentally put spending on my kids in a different category than spending on myself.  It's a good thing, because otherwise I don't think my kids would have many nice things.  ;)

 

I've always been frugal when it comes to spending on myself.  It probably stems from my poor childhood.  I don't necessarily view it as a bad thing.  In fact, sometimes I worry that I'm setting my kids up to be spendthrifts because I am a lot more liberal in spending on them.

 

I mean, I have to buy stuff for my kids anyway, because they are growing.  (I may or may not be growing, but I refuse to buy myself new clothes because of that.)  I go on the internet to buy their clothes and shoes, because I'm more likely to find exactly what I want/need in a lot less time.  And I can look for a sale or even find it secondhand sometimes.  But I definitely buy them more than they need.  While I sometimes wear holey jeans and shoes.  :P

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Oh yes.  I can't buy anything for myself without a load of guilt.

 

I think it's because I don't earn any money.  Our (US) culture puts a high value on people earning money and very little value on people who don't contribute to their family financially.  I know very few women who don't have some sort of job to earn money.  Most of the few nonworking women I know are looking for work or trying to find ways to work at home. 

 

I want to be clear that my husband does not reinforce those messages. He would be happy for me to buy some clothes; he encourages me to do so.  He and I set up our life with me as stay-home mom a long time ago.  So it's not him; it's me. 

 

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That is why hubby pays for my shoes and clothes after I try them on at the store. I tend to buy shoes only when the only pair left breaks. I buy new clothes only when nothing fits well anymore (my washer enlarge and thin some clothes).
Same goes for handbags and wallets. I would make do and hubby would just pay for whatever I think is good.

Things are affordable but still feels like a splurge.

ETA:
I don't like spending even when I was single and drawing a good salary. I can't be stingy with shoes, my feet would rebel.

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Yep. Totally. But I've been this way since I was little, not just since kids.I recall dreading asking my parents for anything pretty much. Even though we were not poor, but we went through tough times when I was 10-15yo. (Dad lost his job and couldn't find another (he was 55 at the time), so he started a small business. Took a long time to make enough $$ to support us.). I recall not wanting to drink the ice tea mom made so they could drink it.

But it helps now that I don't need much since there is no $ in the budget for that sort of thing anyway :lol: . Once every couple years some $ comes in from an extra source and some of that goes for replacing needed items.

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I can relate. I used to feel guilty about spending money on myself - which is ridiculous, since we can afford it, and I also work outside the home and earn income.

I had to make the conscious decision to give myself permission to buy the things I want. I had to reevaluate my frugality-equals-virtue thinking and realize that forgoing things I want and can afford does not make me a better, more virtuous person. I had to make myself buy me some nice pencils and a notebook and new underwear and a small rug for under my desk chair instead of the ratty towel that was there.

I have decided to treat myself to well fitting, good shoes - and investment into health and self care.

I still work on those feelings, but it feels very liberating to go ahead and treat myself. 

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My phone posted my OP before I had finished typing it. Trying this again.

 

I've had a pair of cute, comfy-looking shoes in my virtual shopping cart for almost a week. They aren't that expensive and I can afford them, but they exceed the mostly arbitrary amount I have set in my head as being the maximum I should pay for shoes for myself. I've bought multiple pairs of shoes for my kids that cost more than that amount, so why do I feel guilty if I spend more on things for myself? I'm the same way with clothes. Can anyone else relate? It makes no sense for me to feel guilty for buying clothes for myself, but I still do. 

 

Mother's Day is coming up, and Father's Day is about one month after that.  Have you considered telling your spouse and kids about the item and mentioning it would make a nice present?  (I am making no assumptions about whether you are a Mom or a Dad -- I'm just assuming you are one or the other.)  Often we will let our family spend something on a present for us that we would never countenance spending on ourselves.

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I have a hard time spending money on myself, as well. I think it's a personality trait that can almost become an addiction to self-denial.

 

It got more pronounced once my daughters were born. I started looking at everything I bought as taking from them ("if I spend X dollars on clothes for myself, they can't have swim lessons this fall"). It's so easy to get into the mentality where every element of your existence is consumed with providing for your children. I do occasionally spend money on myself, because (a) sometimes, I just need new clothes, etc. and (b) I dislike the idea that my daughters might eventually see material self-denial as the defining characteristic of a mother.

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Oh man, I just had an epiphany that relates to this.

 

After years of penny-pinching, I don't know how to shop anymore. I don't mean bargain-hunting-budget-responsible shopping, I mean go-browse-stores-looking-for-cute-clothes-and-home-accessories shopping.

 

I expect one day out cash flow will improve again, after the bulk of education costs are behind us, but I don't think I'll be able to do that again.

 

And I am right there with you on the shoes, OP. Can't count the number of times I've told myself, "Surely I can get another season out of these I already have."

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My mother is very frugal and she passed it on to me. Calvin is the same. I think it is an expression of a need to control. Money that is not spent is controlled and laid aside for a crisis.

 

Buying for the children doesn't feel like a loss of control. Instead it is an insurance policy against a sudden need which might make me feel inadequate.

 

I suspect I'm odd. Husband says I'm a cheap date.

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I totally get it.

 

But, get the shoes already.  You need them, you will wear them, however much they cost I am sure it is reasonable for what good shoes cost.  People need shoes and sometimes they cost more money than the you might expect.  And it will be ok. You are worthy of shoes.

 

Let us know when you get them :001_smile:

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I almost always feel that way if the purchase is not crucial. Non-crucial purchases for the kids are not a big problem, but red sandals for myself? Pssht! What do I need those for?

 

And I'm famous for putting things in my virtual cart, but leaving the site in medias res.

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I would tell you that I have no guilt over spending money on myself, but I think I'm fooling myself. I'll go out specifically to look for a certain item and when I locate it I tell myself I don't need it and I come home empty handed. Right now I need a pair of jeans. I have one pair that is decent and two that have holes in them. It's been this way for about six months. Kohl's puts the ones I like on sale, I go try them on, and then say that I really only need one pair anyway, and that the ones with holes are fine for bumming around the house.  And I come home without making a purchase. 

 

I agree with Laura's assessment- I think it might be a control issue for me, too.  Not that it is for you, but for me. 

 

 

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I really struggle with this, but I feel like I am totally inconsistent about things. I will spend what feels like loads on books but feel guilty buying a pair of used pants at the thrift store if there was no "sale." Then once I found a pair of running shoes I loved online and they were on clearance and I bought three pairs! I am still using them up years later (and love them). I don't flinch at paying $50 for a pair of shoes for my boys--I know they will wear them out. They only get one pair of shoes really.  So why do I flinch at the idea of replacing a purse where the zipper is busted if I only use one purse? Sometimes I think it is a counter to my husband's tendency to spend.  It's almost like I have a "I must sacrifice because he won't" mentality.  

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hmmmm......well, I only own 2 pairs of shoes right now that aren't worn out, but I am going on a cruise without my family, so I am not sure where I fit in!

 

However, that could just be my personality......growing up overseas a missionary kid, I put emphasis on the practical and travel above the "frivolity" of clothing and shoes or purses.

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I have had this problem in the past myself. I work in healthcare which means I am on my feet alot. I work a minimum of 14 days a month. Most of the time close to 20 days a month. I usually buy Merrells that are around 90 bucks. The shoes last about a year. I just did a calculation of the minimum amount of days I work in the year divided by a 90 dollar pair of shoes. It came out to around 1.89. Are my feet not worth $1.89?? I think they are. I no longer feel guilt about shoes. I have also just started thinking about my scrubs too. I have some scrub tops I know that are 10 years old. I think I can get some new scrubs.  :tongue_smilie:

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I think it is an expression of a need to control. Money that is not spent is controlled and laid aside for a crisis.

 

Buying for the children doesn't feel like a loss of control. Instead it is an insurance policy against a sudden need which might make me feel inadequate.

This is me.

 

The hard part for me lately is that I've lost enough weight to require new clothes and I still can't get past the feeling guilty part. I needed a new swimsuit for an upcoming weekend at an indoor waterpark. The trip itself is free except for whatever it costs to drive and the food we'll eat there. So, really, buying the swimsuit should have been easy. It wasn't. It took dh and my mom to get me to buy it.

 

Today it was a new pair of jeans because really, hiking up my pants as much as I am is getting ridiculous. I almost left the store without a pair because all the rest of them were more than my personal arbitrary dollar limit. I was leaving the store when I saw a pair that I liked and was below my self-imposed budget. Otherwise? Totally would have kept hiking my pants up until dh forced me to do something about it.

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I have a really hard time spending money on anything but especially myself. I don't think it's a control issue as much as a fear issue. If I spend this money on myself what if the car breaks or the house needs work or....We have savings. We live frugally, but it is ingrained from my childhood. Spend as close to nothing as possible.

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A year of plantar fasciitis killed any belief that shoes should be cheap. I need good shoes with good support, and that costs money. I need to be functional in life and painful feet make it pretty hard to do what I need to do. So, fewer pairs but better quality.

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I never felt that way until I recently took a real look at how much outsourcing high school costs and how much college costs. Ugh. I'm not buying anything until both kids are in college and I know exactly what the damage will be. They're only in 4th and 7th now, so it'll be a long time before I'll feel comfortable buying anything ever again. It's rags and ramen noodles all the way, baby!

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A couple years ago I gave DW a collection of 12 coupons for Christmas as *part* of her present. Each coupon required her to buy something nice each month or give me the money. She spent this on stuff from Title 9 or Talbot's or InkNBurn or  whatever... For the first few months I would pester her about what she bought... after that she had overcome her extreme cheapness and it just became a joke. 

 

I think this was a great "gift". But, it was more of a psych hack. DW is the sole breadwinner in our house. She can do whatever she wants with her money. She doesn't need my permission. After the money clears into our joint account, I don't hesitate to spend it. Though I am as cheap as she is... so it all works out.

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This is SO me!

 

Finding shoes that are comfortable is the most difficult task when you have feet issues like myself. I have to buy a higher quality shoe so many times they can be a $ 100.00 so I FEAR buying them because "what if" they really aren's as comfortable as I thought while in the store, or the hour I walk around in them at home on carpet!! One year the guy at The Walking store had to take 5 pairs of shoes back that I had ordered online. Needless to say, he was not thrilled.

 

I also think as Mom's we take care of every one else and we come second. I know we shouldn't view it that way, but I think many of us do.

 

Buy the shoes!!

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I do the same thing. 

 

 

But it's worth it for comfy shoes. Investment-wise, I'm sure you will still be wearing yours when your kids outgrow theirs.

 

The last time I "bought myself shoes," I was helping my mom purchase something on Amazon and she insisted on buying the cute boots that had been sitting in my cart for two months.

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I understand. You should splurge though! Those shoes will last longer for you than shoes will for your kids!

 

I know that one reason it is easier to spend money on my kids clothes/shoes is because they are so gosh darn adorable! They look cute in everything. Dh will spend any amount on anything that I try on in the dressing room that doesn't leave me in tears. But because of the tear thing, I don't like to go very often.

 

In one of the clothes threads, someone mentioned these Nike golf shorts and I was intrigued, so I checked them out online. I wanted to go to the store (dick's sporting goods had them) and try them on before I bought them though. I was talking to my mom on the phone and she told me to just order them already- I could always send them back. So I measured myself. I was an XXL in the waist and a M in the hips. I have issues with shirts too. I wear a 36F (hopefully I will shrink a little when I stop nursing) but when a shirt stretches all the way around the bOOks- there is way too much excess fabric in the shoulders. Ugh. I hate it. But everything fits the kids. And looks so cute. The last time I took dd shopping for tennis shoes, there was a pair she loved and a pair I loved. I bought both. Because she is the only little girl I am every going to have.

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Because buying for your kids is being generous and buying gifts and being a good mom, but buying for yourself isn't.  That's why.  It's not completely valid, but it is very common.

 

I'd say it's not valid at all......... as long as the money is there, I'd say it's selfish to NOT take care of yourself with a treat here and there. There is nothing wrong with buying for oneself as long as the kids have what they need, and necessities are covered. My kids get plenty of extracurriculars and more than their needs are meant. I will not feel guilty for spending money to go out with friends or to buy myself clothes (or anything else). If it was IN PLACE of my kids being able to do scouts or soccer or tutorials or what not, then it would be a different story, and would be selfish.

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I don't have any guilt buying for myself. We budget for personal spending money, individual clothing money, etc. So, if I find shoes I want, a scarf, jewelry, etc, I just take out of that certain budget category and call it good. 

Now, I have certainly had buyers remorse, but never guilt.

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I don't feel guilty because we don't have a lot of money to spare, so any nonessential purchases come out of our individual birthday moneys. My grandfather and my ILs gave me money for my recent birthday. I will save it until I know what I want, and then I won't feel guilty about spending it, although I'll look for a good deal. Last year I didn't have anything I wanted for a while, so I saved it, but when I found a good deal on a new Mom bag (not a purse; I hate purses; I still carry diapers, so for now it's a diaper bag, but it doubles as a briefcase sort of bag for my planning binders and tablet and what not and will serve me through the toddler years and well beyond), I used some of my savings for it and didn't feel a whit guilty.

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And the very occasional lunch with a friend or something? No, I don't feel guilty about that at all. It's infrequent enough that it doesn't take away from the family budget. I also wouldn't feel guilty about renting the occasional movie for DH and me to watch together. It's also not uncommon for me to use my birthday or Christmas money to buy something that benefits the whole family, like last year, DH and I used the money my grandfather sent to the two of us specifically (he also sent individual checks to each child, which went in their savings accounts) to upgrade the family TV. So I figure it all evens out in the end.

 

Buy the shoes, OP, and be happy!

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I am very thrifty, but here's my attitude: I spend very little on my children (other than on their educational needs) for clothes, shoes, etc. and I spend more of that on myself (yet, I am not a spendthrift) because I won't grow out of them.  If I need a pair of shoes--and I need to wear basically orthopedic shoes due to my scoliosis, and shoes w/ great support are more expensive--I buy them.  I do tend to feel a little guilt about buying, say, books. :)  I don't buy new shoes every month (or even every quarter or six months), so when I do make the purchase, I do it without guilt. 

 

My children wear almost entirely secondhand clothes but they are generally well-dressed.  I buy them one *good* (and, yes, rather pricey) pair of shoes in the fall that they are expected to wear with everything (casual, church), and do the same thing in the spring.  They grow out of everything so quickly that I can't justify spending too much money on them.   They also don't get toys etc.  (except for their birthdays or Christmas).  If they want a toy in the interim they earn the money to purchase it.  I like to think I'm just teaching them the way of the world and I feel NO guilt about that. 

 

I think if the shoes are comfy, will be worn frequently and are within your budget, you should BUY them! :) 

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I used to think like that, but changed when I realized that I would never want my daughters to think that way when they become mothers. Hey, I am a child of God too. I should be able to buy what I need and not have to eat the kids leftovers. I'm saying this about left overs because I have a friend who only eats her kids leftovers for most meals. Beyond the slight ick factor I feel like it sends a message to her boys about her worth.

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I used to think like that, but changed when I realized that I would never want my daughters to think that way when they become mothers. Hey, I am a child of God too. I should be able to buy what I need and not have to eat the kids leftovers. I'm saying this about left overs because I have a friend who only eats her kids leftovers for most meals. Beyond the slight ick factor I feel like it sends a message to her boys about her worth.

That's sad.

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Yes, I do that, but I periodically squash it down and just buy what I want or need.

 

I agonized over buying a new dress for DS's graduation because we have so very many other expenses.

 

But then I found exactly what I wanted, and I bought it.  

 

DH routinely spends $50+ on dress shirts for work, and I haven't bought a new outfit other than at-home stuff for 3-4 years.

 

And after homeschooling this kid for 14 years, I figured that a new dress for me is just as important as the all the other graduation expenses!  :hurray:

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Oh yes.  I can't buy anything for myself without a load of guilt.

 

I think it's because I don't earn any money.  Our (US) culture puts a high value on people earning money and very little value on people who don't contribute to their family financially.  I know very few women who don't have some sort of job to earn money.  Most of the few nonworking women I know are looking for work or trying to find ways to work at home. 

 

I want to be clear that my husband does not reinforce those messages. He would be happy for me to buy some clothes; he encourages me to do so.  He and I set up our life with me as stay-home mom a long time ago.  So it's not him; it's me. 

 

Yep, I'm very much in the same boat, although I wasn't great about spending money on myself even when I was the primary breadwinner. It definitely became more of an issue once I stopped earning money.

 

My husband has always been extremely vocal about the fact that we have a partnership and it's our money, not his, but I have never been able to internalize that.

 

Nowadays, I'm back to earning a paycheck, but it's a drop in the bucket compared to my husband's salary, and in my mind it's mostly earmarked for my son's tuition. Nonetheless, I like having a small pot of money that is "mine," because it allows me to stop for coffee or a snack or rent myself a Redbox movie with minimal guilt. 

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