DD's quirky (excentric?) friend

[Loowit]

DD is very social. She loves being around other people and spending time hanging out.  She has quite a few friends that she has met at various activities.  One friend in particular is very quirky, for lack of a better word.  They met a few years ago in dance and became friends.  She is about four years older than DD but is very immature for her age.  Her parents seem nice and friendly, but also admit that their DD acts immature.  DD's friend is a loud person.  When she enters a room the volume goes way up quickly.  She is the poster child for "unsocialized homeschooler".  But the behavior I find most bizarre is that she had different personalities that she acts out.  It is a bit like multiple personality disorder, except that she is aware of the personalities and acts them out on purpose.  It makes those around her very uncomfortable.  She has told DD that she does not have any sort of psychological disorder, she gets asked this a lot by others.

 

DD had a birthday party a few months ago.  She invited friend and some other friends that had never met friend.  I was concerned it might be an difficult mix, but I wanted DD to have her party with her friends the way she wanted.  DD's friend made the other guests feel uncomfortable by acting out various personalities (complete with names, voices, etc.).  DD was upset that her other friends weren't very friendly.  None of them were rude at all.  Most of them time they tried to be friendly and engage friend in conversations, but they were obviously uncomfortable with the multiple personalities.  I was uncomfortable with the personality thing myself.  Then I found out last night that a scout at her crew meeting made a comment about not inviting DD's friend to the Christmas party this year (they were doing annual planning).  DD had invited her last year, and it was not a good fit at all.  However, DD was very hurt by this.  It helps that the other scouts were unhappy with the comment as well, but all of them were a bit stunned and no one said anything to him at the time.  It will, however, be addressed by the officers soon.
 

 

I have been trying for the most part to let DD navigate her own friendships, only stepping in if she asked for advice.  But I am wondering if I should take a more active approach.  I have tried to gently let her know that her friend's behaviors are uncomfortable for others, but it makes DD defensive. DD has figured out that she can't mix friend in with her other friends, it just isn't going to work.  But DD has become a bit judgmental of the other friends not being accepting of friend.  To be honest I don't allow DD to have friend over very often.  I feel a bit ashamed that I am not more accepting, but the loudness and disruption to my other kids is too much to handle with other things in my life right now.  So I take DD and friend to the mall to hang out, and they see each other almost every day at drama class.  I am glad that DD is a loyal friend, but I don't want her to end up alienating her other friends.

 

So I am wondering how much do I stay backed off and let DD figure it out?  How much do I step in with what I hope is gentle advice?  Part of me says that since DD's friend is going away to college next year, I should just ride this out.  I would guess by this summer it will be not be an issue.  DD is going to  be gone all summer working at camp, and by the time she is back friend will be leaving for college.  But part of me wants to step in and help her to understand that it is okay for friends not to click, especially when one friend is very different (not bad, just different) and makes others uncomfortable.

[Crimson Wife]

For all that the friend (and her parents) claim that this isn't a mental health or developmental disability issue, it sure sounds like it to me. My autistic child has a lot of those symptoms, including sometimes pretending to be different characters (typically from My Little Pony or Disney princess movies/TV like Sofia).

 

Some people (especially in Christian HSing circles) are in denial about special needs other than the most obvious ones (Down Syndrome, cerebral palsy, etc.) being real.

[mom2bee]

I don't have any sagely BTDT advice, but perhaps just sometimes when your daughter complains about other peoples lack of acceptance, you can gently invite her to stand in the "unaccepting" persons shoes for a brief moment. Its wonderful that your DD is a loyal friend, its great that she's able to be accepting of someone who is so different and that her mind opens wide enough and that her heart is big enough to include someone based on what she likes about them, not just on what she doesn't like about them but she's going to have to face the fact that by and large, people do not have to embrace or accept a thing that makes them uncomfortable.

 

Everyone has the right to do what makes them comfortable and reject things that make them uncomfortable, within reason. The others in her social set who are less-embracing are not wrong--they aren't mocking or bullying or being disrespectful of this other young woman. But her atypical mannerisms and habits make them uncomfortable and they keep a respectful distance.

 

There are people who feel that families shouldn't be allowed to home school. They don't have to like homeschoolers, they don't have to embrace homeschoolers at their functions, but it would be unkind and less than ideal for them run you off because you are a homeschool. We don't always agree with or support another persons views, ideals, habits or practices, but if they aren't breaking a law or causing harm we do our best to deal with it as our own issue.

 

Maybe such a conversation can help your DD in her situation, or maybe it can't. I wouldn't harp on it, I wouldn't bring it up every single time, but I might try and have such a conversation if my DD complained of this dynamic more than twice to me over the next few weeks.

[Dmmetler]

My DD has a friend like this, minus the multiple personalities. She has a lot of learning challenges, and her parents pulled her from PS at age 12 when she was failing 4th grade. The fact that at 16 most of her friends are 8-12 says a lot. DD's homeschool friends are used to her, but her PS friends from dance and cheer just plain find the girl odd and strange. Now, my DD is pretty darned quirky herself, and her friends all tend to be the quirky, geeky, socially awkward kids, so it takes a LOT to stand out in that group.

 

DD has handled it in different ways, but a big part of it is partitioning her friends. If it's a homeschool thing, sure, invite DF, but if it's a dance thing or cheer team thing, don't invite any of the homeschoolers unless they're also in that activity. So it would be perfectly reasonable to not invite DF to the scout party if she's not a scout. For things like DD's birthday, well, they just have to all deal-and usually the kids kind of partition themselves anyway with people they know.

[NorthwestMom]

I think you've done a good job so far. It sounds like you and your DD have talked a lot about this friend and her behaviors. I think that natural consequences are going to come into play and you will not have to do anything. Friend is old enough to go to college and your DD is 14, so they are both old enough to manage friendship skills and the fallout that comes from Friend not being aware of how she affects other people.  Let the teens work it out.

[TechWife]

As the mom of a socially awkward teen, I'd like to commend your daughter on her ability to build friendships with different types of people. I would like you to leave this friendship up to your daughter, she's doing a great job.

 

 

In your post you said "Her parents seem nice and friendly, but also admit that their DD acts immature." I'd like to gently point out that this phrasing, while it seems innocent, can be very hurtful. Your use of the words "seem" and "but" makes me wonder if you are uncomfortable with the fact that nice parents can have socially awkward children. It also makes me wonder if you doubt the parents know the exact nature of their daughter behaviors, which would be very insulting to them if you were to assume that they are unaware. I realize that tone of voice is missing and I don't think you meant to come across that way, I just wanted to point it out so that you can be aware in your interactions with the mom. We moms of awkward kids can be a sensitive bunch.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

As the mom of a socially awkward teen, I'd like to commend your daughter on her ability to build friendships with different types of people. I would like you to leave this friendship up to your daughter, she's doing a great job.

 

 

In your post you said "Her parents seem nice and friendly, but also admit that their DD acts immature." I'd like to gently point out that this phrasing, while it seems innocent, can be very hurtful. Your use of the words "seem" and "but" makes me wonder if you are uncomfortable with the fact that nice parents can have socially awkward children. It also makes me wonder if you doubt the parents know the exact nature of their daughter behaviors, which would be very insulting to them if you were to assume that they are unaware. I realize that tone of voice is missing and I don't think you meant to come across that way, I just wanted to point it out so that you can be aware in your interactions with the mom. We moms of awkward kids can be a sensitive bunch.

 

Your daughter is doing great!

[MBM]

I think you have a lovely daughter who cares how others feel.

[Loowit]

As the mom of a socially awkward teen, I'd like to commend your daughter on her ability to build friendships with different types of people. I would like you to leave this friendship up to your daughter, she's doing a great job.

 

 

In your post you said "Her parents seem nice and friendly, but also admit that their DD acts immature." I'd like to gently point out that this phrasing, while it seems innocent, can be very hurtful. Your use of the words "seem" and "but" makes me wonder if you are uncomfortable with the fact that nice parents can have socially awkward children. It also makes me wonder if you doubt the parents know the exact nature of their daughter behaviors, which would be very insulting to them if you were to assume that they are unaware. I realize that tone of voice is missing and I don't think you meant to come across that way, I just wanted to point it out so that you can be aware in your interactions with the mom. We moms of awkward kids can be a sensitive bunch.

 

I didn't mean for it to sound that way. 

 

I am the mom of a quirky kid.  My middle is very quirky and has had a rough time fitting in.  I am guessing that is part of why it is easier for DD to befriend someone that also quirky.

 

One thing I struggle with personally is teaching my children when it is okay to act outside the norms and when they need to tone it down so as not to make others uncomfortable.  It is a balancing act of not wanting to suppress children, but yet being aware of how our behaviors affect others.  I think that with close friends you should be free to be your quirky self, but around new people you should try to notice if it is making others uncomfortable.  My DS has a hard time with understanding this and I feel it is my job to help him to understand the social nuances that do not come naturally to him.  I have no idea how much, if any, guidance DD's friends parents have given her in this area.  I don't feel it is my business really.

 

[Miss Mousie]

<snip>

So I am wondering how much do I stay backed off and let DD figure it out?  How much do I step in with what I hope is gentle advice?  Part of me says that since DD's friend is going away to college next year, I should just ride this out.  I would guess by this summer it will be not be an issue.  DD is going to  be gone all summer working at camp, and by the time she is back friend will be leaving for college.  But part of me wants to step in and help her to understand that it is okay for friends not to click, especially when one friend is very different (not bad, just different) and makes others uncomfortable.

 

Given that you have only a month or so left before the natural separation occurs, I'd just wait it out and let things unfold as they will.  Trying to intervene with your DD at this point seems to carry too much risk to your relationship, IMO.

 

When DD talks to you about other friends being non-accepting, maybe limit yourself to reflecting what she says herself.  "I know, you wish everyone could be friends with everyone else," that sort of thing.  Just offer sympathy.

[Tsuga]

I don't understand the problem.

 

Your daughter has a friend that you and some of her other friends don't like. You don't like her because of some weird, eccentric, quirky behaviors.

 

It seems like you want your DD to have her more normal friends, but you're afraid the weird one will drive those people away. So you want to tell her something that makes it so that she doesn't let the weird friend, the unusual person, drive the friends you like away.

 

My thought is, it's not your friends. You can exclude weird people from your circle of friends if you want. It's not up to you to tell her that "if you want to keep more friends you have to keep them away from your weird friends".

 

I mean, you can tell her that. I know people who do. I think it's awful.

 

I also think it's bizarre, drugs and illicit/irresponsible sex notwithstanding, to want to manage your teenager's  friendships. Know about them, fine, appropriate. Influence them because you prefer some friends over the others? No, that is overstepping a boundary in my book.

[MedicMom]

I'm not really understanding the issue either.  Is the friend rude, disrespectful towards adults, leading your daughter into bad activities?

Truthfully, she sounds like most of my college friends.  I minored in drama and, well, most of them were loud and excitable and tried on different personalities all over campus(including various names, accents, all of that.  In fact we all talked in various accents, sometimes more than one in the same conversation.  One of my very best friends was sometimes Mike, and sometimes Sister Mary DougMike.).  All are succesful adults now. 

 

If your DD is comfortable and happy around her, and she is not a bad influence, I can't imagine what the problem is.  Who cares if other people are uncomfortable around her?  She sounds like an exuberant, happy, probably overly dramatic person that your DD finds fun.

[Gil]

I also think it's bizarre, drugs and illicit/irresponsible sex notwithstanding, to want to manage your teenager's  friendships. Know about them, fine, appropriate. Influence them because you prefer some friends over the others? No, that is overstepping a boundary in my book.

This doesn't strike me as bizarre or weird. I want to maintain some influence over my kids and ideally that influence would include who they are friends associate themselves with, and the type of people that they surround themselves with whether they are 4 of 14 or even 40.

There is truth in those old adages about the company you keep and there is plenty of trouble to be had that has nothing to do with drugs or irresponsible sexual activity. I know this from my own childhood. I always felt that kids who got into trouble with drugs or sex just lacked imagination.

 

ETA: This is not to say that I agree or disagree one way or the other with the OP or any of the other posts.

I am commenting strictly on that one little part that I quoted directly.

ETA2: Clarifying my comment by adding in the underlined parts.

 

[Tsuga]

This doesn't strike me as bizarre or weird. I want to maintain some influence over my kids and who they are friends with, whether they are 4 of 14 or even 40.

There is truth in those old adages about the company you keep and there is plenty of trouble to be had that has nothing to do with drugs or irresponsible sexual activity. I know this from my own childhood. I always felt that kids who got into trouble with drugs or sex just lacked imagination.

 

ETA: This is not to say that I agree or disagree one way or the other with the OP or any of the other posts.

I am commenting strictly on that one little part that I quoted directly.

 

Okay, I guess I should have included all illegal activity.

 

That said... we used to break into the high school pool (statute of limitations, help me out here) in the middle of the night to swim. We were idiots. I think my mom was fully prepared to watch me spend the night in jail.

 

I got a speeding ticket. I tried smoking (in my 20s, because I'm an idiot). I did dumb things. I once lost a job. How could my mom have prevented that? [Edited to remove controlling comment.]

 

How many of you, as teens, had parents who told you whom to be friends with?

 

And influencing your kids' circle of friends at 14... 24.... 34... 44... 

 

What does a friendship even mean at that age if it's facilitated by the parent? I mean, at four, fine. It's not like you have a lot of choices. But at 8, 9, 10, 16... 

 

Someone once posted that these are people, not projects. I couldn't agree more. An essential part of the human experience is friendship. And friendship requires choice, free will, and even mistakes, forgiveness, fear, discomfort, hard choices, sacrifice. Having that scripted seems like it's not even a full friendship. I really value the friendships I had in high school. We made mistakes together. We fought. My mom didn't have a lot to do with it but I will say that unlike many people I feel really able to make friends and to enjoy that part of my life. I don't have a ton of friends but I feel comfortable defending my boundaries and I'm also okay when other people enforce theirs. I don't think that navigating that myself hurt me any. I think it was really good.

 

Otherwise, it would have been quasi-"friendships", with the real relationship issues happening between mom and me.

 

That's what bothers me about this. Mom and kid have a relationship. Mom doesn't need to take over the other relationships. The child deserves to have her own relationships that are not controlled overseen by by mom.

 

Believe me, my kid has friends whom I don't like. But these are not "I don't like that you track methamphetamine into my home", but "I don't like that you only want to play the game if you're in charge but oh well I guess you all have to learn someday".

[Loowit]

I am not trying to control my DD's friendships barring illegal or immoral activities, and even then I would tread lightly in many instances.  I believe that we can learn just as much from failures as from success.  However, it is hard to sit back and not give advice when you feel like you could perhaps offer insight that a young teen may not have learned yet.  It is the fine art of learning when to get involved and when to keep your mouth shut.

 

As I said previously, DD's friends tried to be kind and include quirky friend at the party.  It wasn't like they said, "Wow, she is weird", and tried to ignore her or leave her out.  However, it was an uncomfortable situation for almost everyone there, and DD felt very much put between friends.  She had the quirky friend on one end that was acting in the a way that made others uncomfortable, and other friends on the other end trying to include quirky friend but feeling put off due to the behavior.  Some examples of the behavior: Acting out a personality that is a young child in a young child voice and wanting others to go along by calling her by the chosen name.  She was constantly interrupting the movie they were trying to watch with questions about what was going on (as she thought a child might do I guess) and eventually DD just had to turn it off.  Another was a different personality that had no personal bubble trying to hug everyone.  One of the guests in particular felt very frustrated, she is the type who can hold her own, and had to get rude to get friend to stop.  Over the course of the party friend had about five different personalities that she wanted others to go along with.

 

While this sort of thing may be considered normal and fine in drama circles, it is not really something that is considered normal by many others.  We (in general) at some point in our lives figure out that we can behave in certain ways with some friends, but it may not be appropriate with others.  My fiends and I from Bible college love to get together and talk about doctrine, ethics, theology, and all sorts of stuff together, but it would be inappropriate for us to have that type of conversation at a party where others were made to feel uncomfortable or out of the group.

[Tsuga]

 

 

While this sort of thing may be considered normal and fine in drama circles, it is not really something that is considered normal by many others. 

 

So what if they don't consider it normal? Is "being thought to be normal" a life goal?

 

I'm not sure what you want from your daughter. She has a friend who doesn't share everyone else's sense of what is acceptable. You already told her how others feel about her friend.

 

It is up to your daughter to choose whether she is willing to put up with the consequences of friends not liking one another.

 

She might make a choice you disagree with. She might be happy with that choice, in spite of the fact that you disagree, until the day she dies. Who knows? She is her own person. Let her and her friends decide.

 

(ETA: I took out the control comments, because I re-read your posts. I am sorry to have exaggerated that aspect. It is clear that you want to positively influence but not control her.)

[Plink]

  I would guess by this summer it will be not be an issue.  DD is going to  be gone all summer working at camp, and by the time she is back friend will be leaving for college.  

 

Ride it out.  It isn't worth creating conflict with your DD.  She is happy with her friend and seems to be juggling the difficult situation well.

[happi duck]

Imho, the party examples needed someone to step in "hey, friend, sit down and let everyone enjoy the movie" or "save the no personal bubble persona for drama class". Those were behaviors that are reasonable to say 'knock it off' to.

 

I don't think saying "not now" is a slam to her personality.

[Tap]

If they were 9yos then I would intervene.  They are older teens, so I would let your daughter work this one out unless you actually see someone getting hurt in the situation.  

[Gil]

I guess we have different interpretations of the word "influence" then. Influence doesn't (have to) mean control and influence isn't exactly a bad thing, thats why many time you will find the terms "bad influence" and "good influence" being used.

 

Influence can be many things and be applied or absorbed in differing degrees and in many different ways. I'm sorry that the idea of a parent influencing--or wanting to influence--their child even into adulthood is bothersome to you.

 

Also, not that it matters but there are plenty of legal but stupid, unhealthy, dangerous things that folks can do. So I guess I should have said that people who only get into trouble with crime lack imagination.

Okay, I guess I should have included all illegal activity.

 

That said... we used to break into the high school pool (statute of limitations, help me out here) in the middle of the night to swim. We were idiots. I think my mom was fully prepared to watch me spend the night in jail.

 

I got a speeding ticket. I tried smoking (in my 20s, because I'm an idiot). I did dumb things. I once lost a job. How could my mom have prevented that? [Edited to remove controlling comment.]

 

How many of you, as teens, had parents who told you whom to be friends with?

 

And influencing your kids' circle of friends at 14... 24.... 34... 44... 

 

What does a friendship even mean at that age if it's facilitated by the parent? I mean, at four, fine. It's not like you have a lot of choices. But at 8, 9, 10, 16... 

 

Someone once posted that these are people, not projects. I couldn't agree more. An essential part of the human experience is friendship. And friendship requires choice, free will, and even mistakes, forgiveness, fear, discomfort, hard choices, sacrifice. Having that scripted seems like it's not even a full friendship. I really value the friendships I had in high school. We made mistakes together. We fought. My mom didn't have a lot to do with it but I will say that unlike many people I feel really able to make friends and to enjoy that part of my life. I don't have a ton of friends but I feel comfortable defending my boundaries and I'm also okay when other people enforce theirs. I don't think that navigating that myself hurt me any. I think it was really good.

 

Otherwise, it would have been quasi-"friendships", with the real relationship issues happening between mom and me.

 

That's what bothers me about this. Mom and kid have a relationship. Mom doesn't need to take over the other relationships. The child deserves to have her own relationships that are not controlled overseen by by mom.

 

Believe me, my kid has friends whom I don't like. But these are not "I don't like that you track methamphetamine into my home", but "I don't like that you only want to play the game if you're in charge but oh well I guess you all have to learn someday".

 

[Crimson Wife]

So what if they don't consider it normal? Is "being thought to be normal" a life goal?

 

It is definitely a goal for me to have my SN child be able to function adequately in social, academic, and (eventually) employment situations. Between the autism and the hearing impairment, she's never going to be "normal" but if she can be seen as "quirky" rather than so impaired as to keep her from participating in mainstream life, that will be a victory.

[Tsuga]

 

 

Also, not that it matters but there are plenty of legal but stupid, unhealthy, dangerous things that folks can do. So I guess I should have said that people who only get into trouble with crime lack imagination.

 

What's the matter with making mistakes?

 

I think we have a fundamentally different idea of what a good life is. I smoked--I was stupid--I'll die younger--oh well. I married the wrong man. I have made mistakes. I have chosen a career that doesn't pay a lot. I exceeded the speed limit. Sometimes I don't floss and I got cavities. When I was nine I snorted Smarties which we ground up with our fingers to look like cocaine because someone at school said it would be funny. Okay, well that mistake was stupid but then when another person brought home a drug from a mission trip in the South Pacific (ah, mission trips, where most people I know first tried drugs), I already knew I hated snorting things enough to pass on that experiment. It was hilarious for me, painful (and then face-numbing) for them.

 

I'm not raising kids not to make mistakes, I'm raising kids so they can deal with everything life throws at them.

 

Because what the heck kind of a life is normal? What is the point? There's no report card at the end. You don't get all "A"s for perfect performance. Your life is a symphony you put together. I want my kids to take risks, to travel, to create, to dance, to sob, to laugh hysterically.

 

My values just do not include "other people think I'm normal", nor do they include "as many friends as possible". Now, I do agree with OP that the eccentric child in question does need some life and social skills taught to her. She should be more considerate and at 14, I don't think it would be out of step for an adult to gently counsel her--"Hon, this isn't the time for that, right now is the time for individuals to work together with the group."

 

But I'm talking about OP and her daughter and the relationships her daughter is forming, all which seem to be safe, if not equally edifying. But she's 14. Life's not a string of one perfect friendship situation after another. And if we don't make mistakes, how do we learn?

 

It is definitely a goal for me to have my SN child be able to function adequately in social, academic, and (eventually) employment situations. Between the autism and the hearing impairment, she's never going to be "normal" but if she can be seen as "quirky" rather than so impaired as to keep her from participating in mainstream life, that will be a victory.

 

And I certainly wish your daughter all the best.

 

It sounds like we agree that the important thing is functioning, not so much being normal. Like you wrote, she might never be "normal" but who cares? She will be herself and be awesome at that. She's lucky to have a family to support her.

 

 

[catz]

For a teenager?  I wouldn't intervene a whole lot.  When I read your post I thought your dd was maybe in the 6-8 year old range initially until I saw the ages of your kids.

[Gil]

 

What's the matter with making mistakes? Absolutely nothing. I can't see how the presence or absence of parental influence is going to make one impervious to mistakes. Making mistakes is a part of the human condition.

 

Along with different interpretations about the meaning and nature of influence, this is probably a HUGE part of the communication barrier. You are making  assumptions about my intentions and comments that I can't even see the logical connection between. I have no idea how you got  my meaning to be that "parental influence --> perfection on the childs part."

 

I don't even see how one can get there logically, but clearly you can. Do our different interpretations and extrapolations of this conversation make one of us perfect and the other imperfect? No, they highlight just a tiny sliver of our individual flaws, shed just that much more light on our individual and unique limits.

 

Influencing a person isn't about making them perfect, or corrupting them totally.  How the heck could that even happen, since there is no such thing as perfect parent or  "perfect" advise, because even if the OP knew everything to say or do to guide her daughter based on her perfect understanding of her child, she has no idea about any of the other factors in this situation.  Again, influence isn't about getting your child to be perfect.

 

Influence CAN be about helping them to make good decisions for themselves, which based on the OP, it seems like the original poster has been doing thus far.  She asked for guidance and advice to plan her next move because of her own abilities and limitations to deal with her DDs friend and I don't see why anyone has to get upset about that.

 

Even if a parent were perfect--which not a single one is--don't think anyone said that the OP was perfect and I'll be shocked outside my socks if the OP thought that she was perfect.

 

 

[Tammyla]

Teens...I'd stay out of it.   You've let her know how you feel, and the impression the others have, so I would let it go.  (Feeling uncomfortable isn't the end of the world anyway, kwim?)  

 

Your dd, sounds like a sweetie, and good friend to me.

[Shellydon]

Sounds like friend could really benefit from social therapy (pragmatic language therapy).  Perhaps a good speech-language pathologist is in your area and can provide this service for the family

[Jasperstone]

Could it be that she's just an extrovert that enjoys shocking and making people laugh?

[Guest]

I think you have a lovely daughter who cares how others feel.

 

Amen. My dd is 12 and from 2 to 12 we lived somewhere other than where we are now. She grew up with the same group of kids from church...one being one that has cerebral palsy. It affects her physically somewhat, but also shows in her (im)maturity. Dd, C and A were friends from preschool on up. When they were younger, the differences in the girls wasn't so obvious. As they grew up, it was becoming more obvious that C, being a year older than dd and A, acted a lot younger. She doesn't have a filter, and would often say things in front of their peers that would make dd and A cringe.

 

One day I had dd and A out swimming, and they both brought up the fact that C acted this way. At the end of the conversation, they both agreed that they would give C a code word that would let her know she was being inappropriate. They were more worried about hurting C's feelings than they were about what others thought of her actions. 99% of the time, the code word thing would work, and C would realize that her behavior wasn't socially acceptable. It helped them to include her, while not making it glaringly obvious that they were "calling her out."

 

Last Summer, C's mom and I drove our girls together to camp, and on the way back, she talked about how proud she was of dd and A, and how thankful she was that C had two caring friends. It was no secret to her that her daughter is socially immature, and most likely always will be. She appreciated our girls not dropping C as a friend in order to save theirselves embarassment. At the end of the day, dd said she would rather have friends like C who were real friends, than "friends" who only cared about their own feelings.

[FlyingMOm]

Maybe I'm the odd one out here, but I would have no problem with calling the quirky friend aside and telling her nicely to knock it off b/c she is making the other kids uncomfortable and that she's welcome to do the multiple personality thing at other times but this isn't the appropriate time or place.

[Tsuga]

I do not think that OP believes she or anyone else is perfect. She sounds like a loving mom with a caring daughter.

[Nan in Mass]

So, what IS a good thing to do if you have a good friend who makes your other friends uncomfortable? If you talk to the good friend and ask her to behave differently, that will hurt her feelings, especially if she is sensitive or immature. Perhaps the friendship will continue if she is forgiving and loyal enough, but under those circumstances, you are likely particularly not to want to hurt her. Keeping good friend separate from your other friends would work if other friends do all the inviting and good friend doesn,t say something like how can you like people who exclude me. Otherwise, if you want to keep both friends, you have to be dishonest with one set. The definition of adult friendship allows for each person to have different tastes, including pastimes and social groups, but this gets sticky if one of one friend,s group is hurting the other friend or if one friend makes something into a test of loyalty or friendship, which might well happen if one friend is immature. As a nonjudgemental, quirky, tolerant, understanding person, how do you navigate through this situation?

 

I would like to know, both for myself and for my adult children. We all have had this problem and will have it again. I have yet to find a good solution. It is heartbreaking.

 

Nan

[Shellydon]

Maybe I'm the odd one out here, but I would have no problem with calling the quirky friend aside and telling her nicely to knock it off b/c she is making the other kids uncomfortable and that she's welcome to do the multiple personality thing at other times but this isn't the appropriate time or place.

 

This is basically what I would do. 

[Starr]

Does your dds friend have a regular personality. One that she always uses when she's comfortable, like when just the two of them are together?

[unsinkable]

I am not trying to control my DD's friendships barring illegal or immoral activities, and even then I would tread lightly in many instances.  I believe that we can learn just as much from failures as from success.  However, it is hard to sit back and not give advice when you feel like you could perhaps offer insight that a young teen may not have learned yet.  It is the fine art of learning when to get involved and when to keep your mouth shut.

 

As I said previously, DD's friends tried to be kind and include quirky friend at the party.  It wasn't like they said, "Wow, she is weird", and tried to ignore her or leave her out.  However, it was an uncomfortable situation for almost everyone there, and DD felt very much put between friends.  She had the quirky friend on one end that was acting in the a way that made others uncomfortable, and other friends on the other end trying to include quirky friend but feeling put off due to the behavior.  Some examples of the behavior: Acting out a personality that is a young child in a young child voice and wanting others to go along by calling her by the chosen name.  She was constantly interrupting the movie they were trying to watch with questions about what was going on (as she thought a child might do I guess) and eventually DD just had to turn it off.  Another was a different personality that had no personal bubble trying to hug everyone.  One of the guests in particular felt very frustrated, she is the type who can hold her own, and had to get rude to get friend to stop.  Over the course of the party friend had about five different personalities that she wanted others to go along with.

 

While this sort of thing may be considered normal and fine in drama circles, it is not really something that is considered normal by many others.  We (in general) at some point in our lives figure out that we can behave in certain ways with some friends, but it may not be appropriate with others.  My fiends and I from Bible college love to get together and talk about doctrine, ethics, theology, and all sorts of stuff together, but it would be inappropriate for us to have that type of conversation at a party where others were made to feel uncomfortable or out of the group.

 

I know this is a typo but it made me :LOL:

[Tsuga]

So, what IS a good thing to do if you have a good friend who makes your other friends uncomfortable? If you talk to the good friend and ask her to behave differently, that will hurt her feelings, especially if she is sensitive or immature. Perhaps the friendship will continue if she is forgiving and loyal enough, but under those circumstances, you are likely particularly not to want to hurt her. Keeping good friend separate from your other friends would work if other friends do all the inviting and good friend doesn,t say something like how can you like people who exclude me. Otherwise, if you want to keep both friends, you have to be dishonest with one set. The definition of adult friendship allows for each person to have different tastes, including pastimes and social groups, but this gets sticky if one of one friend,s group is hurting the other friend or if one friend makes something into a test of loyalty or friendship, which might well happen if one friend is immature. As a nonjudgemental, quirky, tolerant, understanding person, how do you navigate through this situation?

 

I would like to know, both for myself and for my adult children. We all have had this problem and will have it again. I have yet to find a good solution. It is heartbreaking.

 

Nan

It seems to me that there are two questions. What is the best thing to do in OP's daughter's situation? And what should OP do, if anything, to ensure that her daughter does what's best?

 

I think it is a part of life that people have sometimes non- overlapping friend sets. "I'm sorry they didn't invite you. I like you and I'm inviting you to this other event. Don't worry about that other thing." Demanding that your friend is only friends with people who like you is extremely unrealistic. If the friends leave you because you are friends with someone they don't like, that is their problem.

 

Just let people know who's coming to what party and they can decide.

 

You don't have to invite everybody every time. That's not excluding.

[Nan in Mass]

Yes, I think there are two issues, as Binip said - what original poster says to her daugher and how to solve this social problem.

 

The tricky part about my social problem is that the friend has immature social skills (or different or however you want to look at it) due to something other than just immaturity, something that requires special consideration and extra tolerence.  If the friend were simply immature, one could assume that she would cope with the idea of different groups of friends who don't like each other or walk away and eventually learn by experience.

 

Nan

[Xahm]

How does quirky friend feel about alienating others? I wouldn't be surprised if she finds it hard to connect and goes into silly/entertaining mode to make it feel like her not fitting in or interacting normally is her choice. If it's something like this, I'd suggest your daughter talk gently to her about it, maybe introducing a code word like a pp suggested. It sounds like your daughters other friends are kind and would be understanding of the girl if she was trying to control herself.

[TechWife]

Yes, I think there are two issues, as Binip said - what original poster says to her daugher and how to solve this social problem.

 

 

 

It's not the OP's problem to solve. It is the friend's problem. She does not need to interfere unless she has been engaged on the matter by the friend, or perhaps the friend's parents. 

[TechWife]

 If the friend were simply immature, one could assume that she would cope with the idea of different groups of friends who don't like each other or walk away and eventually learn by experience.

 

Why would you think someone who is immature would be able to even understand this, much less cope with it? The skills you mention here require maturity. Social awkwardness and maturity are two different things. I know ma ny mature people who are socially awkward.  

[Nan in Mass]

Techwife, I think maybe you misunderstood what I meant.  I don't have the official vocabulary to explain myself well.  I'm sorry.  It makes it difficult for me to get my ideas across.

 

What I was trying to say was that most people, throughout the course of childhood, will figure out how to be a friend and keep a friend, but that the problem I described was different because the social awkwardness was not something that was going to be outgrown with childhood.  I think probably the solution to the problem of some of one's friends not liking another of one's friends because that friend is socially awkward is different if that awkwardness is part of who that person is and not just a matter of inexperience.  I wasn't trying to ask what the original poster should say to her daughter.  I don't have any advice for her.  Lots of hugs and sympathy (having been in her shoes) but no solution.  I was asking for myself.  What should *I* do if *I* have a group of friends who aren't socially awkward and a friend for whom social awkwardness is not a matter of immaturity.  How do I navigate through this situation without losing any of the friends?  All are adults.  I don't think a codeword will work.  The social awkwardness has made it so the hurt in these sorts of situations particularly hurts.  I probably shouldn't have jumped off on a rabbit trail.

 

Nan

[Nan in Mass]

Neurotypical adults should be able to be graceful to the socially awkward, no matter the reason. The host has the responsibility to see that it happens. Host can take the people aside and remind them not to take things personally if something said or done is offensive. its very hard to redirect and prevent some things from happening. For ex, a coworker asked me what was done in my family when a sn person was sexually inappropriate at a family gathering...he was uncomfortable taking his bride. In my family people would redirect the children and guest attention, while some adults would form a screen with their bodies and other adults would help the sn person. In other fams, the sn person is just not invited. So, the inclusiveness is up to the group.

Ok. That makes sense. Not something my clan has had previous experience with but it is part of our lives now. When it is just clan, this is easy. Well, not easy but we all are on the same page. Just wasn't,t sure what to do when other people were involved and I was torn between host responsibilities and loyalty to a friend or clan members. Definitely tricky when it involves various friends of adult sons, now adults themselves, although so far, sons have dealt with this their own way and just told us what thet want us to do. This clarifies things for me. Thanks.

 

Nan