Parents of older kids with HFA: what would you do differently?

[Innisfree]

We've got some big decisions coming soon, including whether to continue homeschooling dd10 or ease her back into public school and whether to pursue ABA when we've just exhausted our options for getting help paying for it. When I look at where we were a year ago, when we were just at our wits' end, barely coping with significant behavioral challenges and no real diagnosis, we've made enormous progress. But the progress itself brings new questions.

 

Untrained observers would not guess that dd has autism. (Well, they never did; that was part of our problem, lol.) She seems shy and quiet. She can answer questions (usually briefly), go through the checkout line and make purchases, get to know a new adult (who understands her challenges and is trying to put her at ease) and convince that new adult that she has no significant challenges and Mom is really exaggerating this stuff. She has a fantastic sense of humor, understands lots of word play and actually has pretty good theory of mind.

 

Watch her with other kids and the differences are more apparent. At the Girl Scout cookie stand she's the one standing back, not calling out to potential purchasers or engaging the other kids. If she has to make change she gets flustered. If her best friend comes up she's extremely excited, hugs her, lifts her off the floor even though the friend doesn't want to be hugged or lifted. She divides her acquaintances into Friends (two, carefully cultivated by me) and Not Friends, and the two categories are absolute.

 

Changes in medication and how we respond to her behavior have almost completely eliminated her worst behavioral challenges over the past year. The relationship issues between dd10 and dd12 stemming from years of problems before this persist. Both girls are in counselling separately. Sometimes they get along well, sometimes they fight, like any sisters, but there's a huge backlog of resentment and anger on dd12's part and a deep sensitivity to any criticism from or in front of the other which they share. They cannot do schoolwork in the same room or within hearing range of each other for this reason, which has complicated homeschooling enormously.

 

We've been going through neuropsych testing and will get results on Monday. Also, we've asked her old school to do an evaluation so we can see what they'll offer us as accommodations if we decide to send her back.  From previous testing we've been told she has low average intelligence. I know she has a very hard time with math, but she's always done very well with vocabulary and reading comprehension. She hates, hates, hates to be singled out to get extra help. Several years ago she'd come home from school and unload the day's frustrations on us in a massive meltdown, and I suppose we'd just have to wait and see if that happened again.

 

So, now the questions: Have you found being in public school, or homeschooling, the right choice as your child gets older? The school is telling us going back will only get harder if we wait. She'd be entering 5th grade in the fall, and already she'll have to move between classes and teachers. In another year she'll be in middle school. Obviously this will be individual, but is there anything in particular which has been the right choice for you or something you wish you'd done differently?

 

What about other stuff, aside from school? What should I be thinking about and planning for? We don't know yet if dd will be able to live and work independently. What can I do now to help ensure that she has the best shot at it?

 

I'm thinking she needs practice handling responsibility. She has a cat for whom she has actually been very responsible, and we're thinking of getting her a dog, because it can be a bridge out into the community. There's a 4-H therapy dog group she could join, so the dogs lead to people. I'm also thinking of obedience work, maybe agility-- anything to get her out into the world. What else could do this?

 

Life skills: cooking, laundry, money. Are these things you've needed to work on, or have they come more or less normally?

 

I know this is long and rambling, and I'm not even sure of the full dimensions of my own question. But I thought planning for the long term might be something others are thinking about or have experienced, and if you feel like discussing this, I'd be very interested.

 

[Mom22ns]

For us, that is about the age we started homeschooling. Ds is graduating from homeschooling this year and going to college in the fall. It was the perfect decision here and my only regret is not starting a year sooner. That doesn't mean it would be right for you. The keys that made it right for us: 

 

1. Ds was able to learn at his own (rather high) speed, but also slow down in challenging subjects or areas.

2. Social interactions were more controlled. There were fewer negative social interactions, helping him gain confidence. Ps in 5th grade was the worst year of his life and it was all about the negative social interactions.

3. Social and Life skills had to be taught and mostly taught as they happened. They didn't happen in ps settings, so they couldn't be taught. Having ds with me so much gave me the opportunity to turn everyday things into teaching. He needed direct instruction on everything.

 

When we went back to the ps to update his testing for college entrance exams/college accommodations, the testers were amazed. They had his file and basically said he would never have gotten to where he is today if he had stayed in ps. Yeah, we know.

 

There are many families who have the opposite experience. They put their older kids in ps because they can't invest the time needed or because of the negative impact on their relationship. It didn't work that way for us, but I can't tell you how it will work for your family.

[Crimson Wife]

One thing to look into is the possibility of a private school placement. I'm not sure how appopriate it would be for my DD2 now with the discovery of her hearing loss, but before we were thinking of that for middle & high school. There are a couple of well-regarded private secondary schools in my area that specialize in Asperger's/HFA/NVLD. It would probably take hiring an attorney and going to due process to win private school placement but if you're successful, you'd get the legal fees included in the settlement.

[Lecka]

I live in a small town and the lead teacher for the autism program my son would be in for high school, attends my church.  I am afraid she is going to retire before my son is old enough for her program.  It is too soon blah blah, to put any limits on anyone, blah blah, but right now I think my son will be going in the more life skills and vocational skills direction.  This is the program that the woman at my church is with.  

 

When kids are starting to switch classes, my son will be in a resource room if switching classes is not appropriate for him.  

 

So I think -- maybe you know she cannot handle what her age is doing -- but that doesn't mean there might not be something that is a good fit for her.  Maybe, maybe not.  You just have to see.  

 

I have a same-age cousin who was diagnosed with Aspergers but I think he could have been diagnosed with HFA just as easily.  Life skills and organization are a challenge for him.  He can prepare microwave meals and some 5-ingredient meals.  My aunt needed to work with him quite a bit on his 5-ingredient meals (just -- practice).  None of that happened in an easy way or "by itself" (sardonic laughter here).  But I think he is really very severe in a few areas even though he has good language skills and other skills and things about him that are just good things.  He has a hard time with figuring out how to do things (figuring out how things work) when he has not been shown *exactly* how to do it.  If something changes, he can be lost and not know what to do.  (This is something that maybe could have been targeted with therapy when he was younger, and maybe would have improved or maybe would not have improved -- hard to say).  (I also think this is a math issue for him in a way, because I think it is on the math side that it does not click.  But I am not sure.  It could be something else.  But I think it is that he has an amount of money, and doesn't know how to think of spending some of it and having some of it left.  He seems to spend the money and just not realize he has spent more money that he really has available.)  

 

For math -- my cousin does not have a good grasp of money to allow him to budget or be responsible with money.  He is very able to have $10 and go to Sonic or the grocery store or 7-11 and order and pay for some snacks.  He is not able to be given (or earn, when he has had a job) $50 and told that is his food money for a week.  He cannot take $50 and translate that into buying and preparing food for a week.  He does not know how to make choices to spend more for a certain item and then less for certain other items.  I know this probably sounds petty, but it is something that makes him need help that he wouldn't need if he could handle being given a certain amount of money and then making it last a week, and figuring out how to do more than just buy and eat one item (which is just not healthy, you know?).  

 

He is a great person, though.  I love him very much!  But I can love him and be aware that he needs help with meal-planning and shopping to a pretty extreme degree for someone who seems like he is able to do many other things on his own.  But his other skills he has that are good skills, do not mean that his weak areas are brought up -- his weak areas are quite weak.  It is no good to say "well, he does x so well," if by that you mean "so he should be able to do y as well" because it just doesn't work that way for him.  

 

But for my cousin, when he was in high school, it seemed like he would be able to live independently.  There was no reason to think he wouldn't.  But then there are a lot of things you need to do on your own, that have turned out to be things he just has a very hard time with.  

 

But my aunt and uncle are in a support group, and many other kids are doing better with the things my cousin struggles with, and their kids' struggles, may be things that are going well for my cousin and strengths for him.  

 

My concern with school (and it is a similar concern for home if it is the same situation) is that there is a lot of structure.  So for my cousin, he could go to school, and with all of that structure in place, and living at home like other kids, he did pretty well.  But it turned out he really needed that structure, and had a lot of trouble when that structure was not in place anymore.  He had a lot of time getting into a new and less-supported structure (when he did do things that were also formal things to do) because he had to start new with them, and at an older age when it was not so acceptable to have help, the way it is for a younger person.  

 

So I have this feeling, like I don't want my son to get too comfortable and too wrapped up in just one setting, just because it is working.  I want him to still need to go into new settings and adjust to them, and be called on to do things that are not easy for him.  Not to the point that it is counterproductive ---- no, not that.  But just not too far on the side of only keeping him in things that are comfortable and easy, but also 100 times more protected and scaffolded than things that other kids his age are doing.  He needs to be moving towards those expectations as he is able.  

 

I think it might be helpful to go to a support group for parents.  I think you might need to meet parents of kids who are actually similar to your daughter.  There is such a range, that there is no way to know if my cousin or son, are anything at all similar to your daughter.  It is just impossible to tell.  There are kids where I feel like our kids have things in common, but it is just a small sub-set.  I think you might also find out about what is available in your community, that you might want her to take part in, or that you might be able to find out does not sound like a good fit.  

 

I really think that would be good.  B/c the truth is -- plenty of people do not have the problems my cousin has with money and budgeting and cooking and meal-planning.  But at the same time -- I think the signs were there when he was a lot younger, if anyone had known to look for them (no one knew to look for them, b/c he was diagnosed late, he was diagnosed one of the first years that Aspergers was a diagnosis, but with our age, he was already in his early 20s at that time).  

 

But if there is a support group in your area, I would check that out, and then you can see what kids have more things in common with your daughter.  

 

The vocational training, btw, if at places that are selected to be interesting to the students.  It is places they want to work.  There is an intern (as he is called I think?) at the game store that my husband goes to, and I see him there sometimes.  He is doing well.  I did not even know he was part of this program until we saw his teacher one day, and then I only knew b/c I knew her job from church.  

 

My cousin has had a hard time keeping a job, so job skills (lots of the intangibles of holding a job, which I could go into) are something I do not think will take care of themselves, either.  These are (again) things that it was not obvious were going to be a problem, because they are things you will just see when he has a job.  Frex he has a hard time following directions to do something a different way than the way it was done on a different day.  Frex he had an issue when usually he wiped off tables and then sat out chairs, and one day they were busy and he was told to sit out the chairs first.  It again sounds so petty, but it was a problem, because it is the kind of thing where you are expected to just do what the manager wants you to do.  In another job he had trouble because he talked too much and did not know how to tell he should stop talking ---- it was a job where there was chit-chatting at times, and at other times, more time to get to work.  He did the best at that job, he had it for 2-3 years, and was only let go when they had to let go of some people.  But the director would just bluntly tell him to quit chatting and go back to what he should be doing.  She was fine with doing that, she liked my cousin and he was good at the job in other ways.  But it was also kind-of a problem and he was not able to pick it up on his own, and he was not someone who could really be trusted to do things without supervision, which is really what was needed.  But the manager just put him in places where he did well, and liked him because he never missed work and was always on time, and because he was personable and liked to talk to people (it was a good thing in this job).  

 

He is so, so different from my own son, though.  My son is more flexible and he is more able to see how to do things.  But, he has a lot of issues that are not issues at all for my cousin and never have been.  

 

So I do think it is hard to make across -the-board advice. B/c honestly things that are big issues for my cousin are total non-issues for a lot of other people who have the same diagnosis that he does.  It is just broad that way.  But at the same time, at a support group, you might meet people where things ares similar (I think it is likely you would).  

 

 

 

[Innisfree]

Thanks, this is all helpful. I know we can't really decide about the school situation until they finish the evaluation and we see what they'll do. Unfortunately the only private school here is for kids with quite profound issues, so that's out.

 

It's really more the life skills and job skills, I guess, that I'm thinking about. As in, will vocational training be better through the school, or is it something I can manage better on my own? And I know that this is going to vary so widely, so I guess I'm just thinking out loud and wondering if others are thinking about it also.

 

I know vo-tech is a low priority here. They'd like to pretend everyone is stellar academically.

 

Lecka, thank you for the information about your cousin. This is the sort of thing I need to think about-- practicing flexibility in a very purposeful way, and practicing how to manage a budget. I'm wondering if those skills can be taught if we know we need to do it. And like Momto2ns said, maybe we can do that more effectively if she's home with us.

 

I'm going to mull this all over and hope some others jump in.

[Mrs. Tharp]

Okay.

 

We have our ds11 in ps right now. I hs'd him for 2 1/2 years.

 

I need to make dinner so this will be brief. I'll come back and add more later.

 

A couple of points:

 

If she hates to be singled out now, it very likely means that she will resist many of the accommodations she'll be given in ps. Many, many teachers from middle school on, will not force a student to use accommodations they are refusing even if the child desperately needs them. Heck, in middle and high school, you'll need to go out of your way to make sure the teachers even read the paperwork so that they're offered at all.

 

The meltdowns will absolutely come back and/or your daughter will likely spend a significant amount of time after school recouping from her day. The ps environment tends to be overwhelming and exhausting for them.

 

Right now, ps is the right choice for ds10. He really wants to be around other kids and it's a supportive environment. I don't believe he's learning much, but the staff are working hard to help him. The instruction is appropriate and the kids have been kind.

 

I have huge doubts about sending him to middle school. It's rough for everyone, but I hear it can be horrendous for kids with ASD. The social scene changes. Everyone gets more sophisticated in a way ASD kids are not.  Kids need to be a lot more proactive to make friends. It's faster paced and they have to manage themselves and their work a lot more. They have to advocate to get help from teachers. There's a lot of emphasis on group work, and the other kids aren't always kind if one member is unable to do their share. From a parent perspective, I've heard that the teachers aren't always interested in/receptive to having the parents involved, even when the parents need to be.

 

I am not sure what we are going to do for middle school next year. He enjoys school now, but it exhausts him, and he is very tired/irritable when he comes home.  If we choose private school, I'll need to return to work and we'll lose flexibility. I'm paranoid about this because it takes a lot of time to work with the ps, time I lose if I get a job. (And the gamble is that I won't have to take any time if he's at private school. This may be true, or it may not.)  I do not want him to go to middle school full time though, so we'll probably hs part-time if he goes.

 

Ds would prefer to go to middle school full time, but ugh. Just ugh. He has no friends now and I've been told very pointedly that his best chances in making some lie in joining afterschool clubs where he'll meet kids who share his interests. Problem is, he may very well be so exhausted after a full day that clubs will be out of the question. Homework of any kind will be a battle. Also, the special ed. model for this particular school is not the best. It's a co-teaching model where direct instruction is downplayed in favor of helping the special ed. kids keep up with the group. Great for kids who just need a little extra help, but not so hot if the child is significantly behind.

 

ETA to add: I make it a point to work on life skills.  ASD kids typically need explicit instruction to learn these and extra repetition to retain them. My advice is to make it a priority. Chores also have the benefit of helping with sensory issues and of giving them tangible jobs they can complete well.

 

What I wish I'd done differently: Spent money on the right things, found the right professionals sooner. People with enough knowledge and experience in how issues with ASD play out in different ages and stages of development are hard to find, but having someone like this in a support role is huge.Good support groups are also essential, but also hard to find. Great ps advocates with the experience to help both navigate the ps bureaucracy and interpret special ed. paperwork are again, hard to find. We would not be succeeding in ps to the extent that we are right now without our advocate's help. I only found the advocate through my support group of other moms.

 

For hsing: Found the right curriculum sooner--If I'd found R&S Math & SRA Reading in first grade, things would have gone very differently. Not been so hung up about secular vs. religious curricula or classes. Worked more aggressively to find an hs group that worked for us. In my area, most of the secular hsers are also unschooly. But their extremely unstructured gatherings were not a good fit for either of my children and that was a big factor in returning to ps. I should have branched out more and tried the religious co-ops or just spent the money and put him in an ASD social group.

 

 

[sbgrace]

My two are hard to juggle. If I send anyone to school, though, it will be the neuro-typical one. If he were more outgoing, I would do that actually. Then I could focus on the special needs specific areas with my ASD son more. He'd be a disaster in school, let alone middle school.

[Mom22ns]

If she hates to be singled out now, it very likely means that she will resist many of the accommodations she'll be given in ps. Many, many teachers from middle school on, will not force a student to use accommodations they are refusing even if the child desperately needs them. Heck, in middle and high school, you'll need to go out of your way to make sure the teachers even read the paperwork so that they're offered at all.

 

The meltdowns will absolutely come back and/or your daughter will likely spend a significant amount of time after school recouping from her day. The ps environment tends to be overwhelming and exhausting for them.

 

Right now, ps is the right choice for ds10. He really wants to be around other kids and it's a supportive environment. I don't believe he's learning much, but the staff are working hard to help him. The instruction is appropriate and the kids have been kind.

 

I have huge doubts about sending him to middle school. It's rough for everyone, but I hear it can be horrendous for kids with ASD. The social scene changes. Everyone gets more sophisticated in a way ASD kids are not.  Kids need to be a lot more proactive to make friends. It's faster paced and they have to manage themselves and their work a lot more. They have to advocate to get help from teachers. There's a lot of emphasis on group work, and the other kids aren't always kind if one member is unable to do their share. From a parent perspective, I've heard that the teachers aren't always interested in/receptive to having the parents involved, even when the parents need to be.

 

All of this. Exactly. Fighting to get teachers to provide accommodations spelled out in the IEP, exhaustion, and the change in social sophistication that quickly led to bullying. These were the reasons we pulled out at the beginning of 6th grade after loving the K-4 building ds was in. The transition to the 5-6th grade building was beyond him.

 

I think he could have gone back for high school, but by then he loved homeschooling and his memories of ps are all about that year of H**l in 5th grade.

[kbutton]

My son is 2e and actually PDD-NOS (on the old scale, like Asperger's lite). We have the scenario where school caused meltdowns, was draining, etc. Mostly due to co-morbid ADHD and sensory issues. His IEP would have him in pullouts for speech (this is the area that handles social skills) and help with composition. He'd have some accommodations for lighter amounts of handwritten work, and things like that. Extra time on tests. He's a very slow worker, and I am not sure he could handle the load of busywork that school requires (he couldn't when we tried, but he was undiagnosed and in a private school then). OTOH, I know kids who spend the whole day outside of art and gym class in a resource room. It's really going to depend on how the evaluations pan out. Also, our state has scholarships that can be used for outside services for homeschoolers or placement in a private school that offers ASD support.

 

The kids I hear about that struggle the most fall into the category of functioning too well academically to get much support. These kids vary from having almost typical lifeskills/soical skills to big struggles in that area. I hear much happier things about kids that spend high school in the resource room (adjustment-wise--I am sure some kids are forced into that situation who shouldn't be there). I know one young lady that is transitioning to a career center, and while the program she's entering is a bit of a risk for her skills, they have a resource room at the career center, and both the school she's transitioning out of as well as the career centers she was applying to all showed up at the IEP meeting to hash out what would be best for her. The original school didn't want to let her go without adequate services, and the career centers didn't want her to fail there either. It was really a good situation with everyone looking out for this student.

 

Socially, my son has loyal friends in his peer group but drives some kids bonkers, though he really is a good friend (just not always socially sensitive or verbally affirming). It's hard to put a finger on just what is up depending on what situation you see him in, whether he has a friend in the group already, whether he knows the teacher or not, etc. unless you know he has an ASD diagnosis. The down-side is that he comes home wound up or bound up over all the social interaction. Other kids I know are just as capable academically as my son, but they are not in the same place socially. Those kids usually have buddies and friends who are genuinely kind to them in school, youth group, etc., but their parents are dismayed that they do not get spontaneous calls to do things outside of a structured activity. The kids themselves are happy to stay home and work on a hobby. 

 

So, I am with Lecka--it's very different across the board. My son would struggle in school because he definitely should be taking higher level coursework, but it would be too much. The socializing would be good for him, but it would wear him out, and he'd be at risk for bullying. I would wait to see how things shake out with an evaluation. I would obtain an IEP, find out what the school offers, see if it's a good fit. Look into scholarships and private options as well. Contact the local board of DD to see what they offer as well. You might be surprised.

[Lecka]

I do think it is sad but true, sometimes the kids in regular academic classes seem like they are having a harder time day-to-day.  

 

I also see times when there are kids who have much higher academic levels and language levels than my son, but who are much less flexible in a situation where my son is able to be flexible.  I have also seen my son be more able to follow directions.  So I think those are relative strengths for him!  

 

B/c my cousin and my son are the two people I know very well, and I grew up with my cousin and I remember him as a child (though I don't remember things from our very young ages, my mom and aunt do remember), I can compare the two of them.  And, I can say, my son is much more flexible and much more okay with things changing.  I can remember my cousin becoming very upset when we went to a place and did not go down the roads he expected to go down, for example.  I can remember him being very upset if a game was not played in the same way.  These kinds of things are just not things my son has trouble with.  So it does give me something to be positive about!  

 

When we are at an activity with my son, for kids with autism, sometimes I see kids who are in regular academics, but are not able to make a transition/change that my son will be able to make.  It does just depend, and I think a lot of that is just how things are going that day, too.  But I am just seeing how different areas can be a strength or weakness for a child, and it is not (like I used to think) that if language is better then every single other area is better, too.  

 

But I am also making lemonade in a lot of ways with how I look at things.  I have to.  I also really have to have hope that my son will be able to do better in some ways than my cousin is doing.  I also am making different parenting choices and I think that parenting choices can make a little bit of difference.  I also think my aunt and uncle are unrealistic with some things, with their expectations, and so I strive to be realistic and also to like my son for who he is and not wish he was a different person.  

[Innisfree]

Yes, it's the parenting choices and realistic expectations that I'm thinking about. Like your son, my dd can be more flexible than many others. I remember reading something Temple Grandin wrote, I think, about how it was good to intentionally parent in ways that stressed flexibility, doing things in different ways at different times. That's something I can practice. 

 

I think I need to make a list of things like that to do. Things like remembering to talk about social skills, about responding to people with more than one word or a short phrases, adding a new idea to the conversation. There must be more.

[kbutton]

Yes, it's the parenting choices and realistic expectations that I'm thinking about. Like your son, my dd can be more flexible than many others. I remember reading something Temple Grandin wrote, I think, about how it was good to intentionally parent in ways that stressed flexibility, doing things in different ways at different times. That's something I can practice. 

 

I think I need to make a list of things like that to do. Things like remembering to talk about social skills, about responding to people with more than one word or a short phrases, adding a new idea to the conversation. There must be more.

 

We've been advised to do all of this.

 

I have the hardest time with being intentional about social skills. It's hard for me to put them into words for my son, but he definitely needs very specific training in this area. We've used scholarship money to get a tutor (behavioralist in our case), and it's a BIG help. I don't notice a huge difference, but my mom does--she sees him a lot less frequently, so I think that helps her see the progress.

[Innisfree]

Completely agreeing that it's hard: for me it's hard even first to think each time that I need to put it in words. And hard varying the routines-- it's only recently, for example, after wondering why on earth my kids couldn't leave the bathroom tidy after a shower, that I figured out I needed to write out a list and post it, with each step explicitly labeled. And then, like magic, they improved. At ages 10 and 12, after getting told this stuff for years. (Of course, getting to the point of having them take a shower was its own journey.) So now, when we finally have a working system, I'm not sure I want to throw a wrench in the works, but I need to figure out how to change things around.

 

And most things are like that for us. If we have a plan we follow unfailingly day after day, trouble is minimized. But it sounds like we need to practice changing routines.

 

 

 

 

edited for clarity.

[kbutton]

We were told flexibility within the routines is the way to go. For example, school at the same time every day, but you might switch up the order in which you do subjects. If that's too big, find a smaller routine to mess with--maybe still do math at the same time, but instead of doing a math drill and then story problems (just making this up since I have no idea what you do), you might do the story problems first. You kind of have to meet them where they are at and drag them across their comfort zone line a step at a time. :-) 

 

Kudos to you with checklists and such. We need to do more of that for all kinds of reasons, not just ASD. I am not very good at that. My early forays into it were not helpful (provoked more rigidity), and I am too much of perfectionist since I used to be a tech writer. 

[Lecka]

We also do fake problems to see if my son will be able to figure out what to do.  This is something his therapist is very big on.  She will do things like hide the pencils, and then bring up something that needs a pencil, and then pretend to do paperwork.  She will see if my son will just sit there, or hunt around on his own, or ask for help. 

 

Then when something is not right, I try to go out of my way a little, to stand back and see if it can be a learning opportunity for problem-solving or self-advocacy.  And if it isn't, ask the leading questions or help with a first step, and see if maybe that is all that is needed. 

 

This is tricky but it is the kind of thing where having him be around other people besides me is very good.  They are not going to know his little codes, so he is going to have to figure something out. 

 

It goes both ways - -some people are overly helpful beyond the help he needs.  Some people are not helpful enough.  But with both ways -- it lets me see what he can do.

 

But we have had major issues where he could do certain things with me but not with other people.  And, also things where he was capable of doing it with another person or in another place, but it did not mean he just started doing it at home.

 

So generalization is a big focus, and problem-solving. 

 

We have enough variety to our routine, I don't worry much at home (currently).  But I try to take him to new places in a purposeful way, because new places can be harder for him. 

 

Edit:  Daily-life problem-solving skills are something that can be a concern for my cousin, and I see it for my son also.  This is where it is hard to know just how much is what they are capable of, and how much is getting a chance to learn from mistakes and get scaffolded help and stuff like that. 

 

I feel like it is important to try from a young age, because it is an area that has not gotten easier for my cousin, and has even gotten harder as he feels like he shouldn't need help and that makes him feel bad, which just complicates the effort to problem-solve.  But he has got a lot of anxiety and high expectations for himself, that I do not see signs of with my son, but my son is also on the young side. 

 

But anyway -- problem-solving is also very high on my mental list. 

 

I talked to someone wrt my cousin, who said that he recommends that he have a life coach who will hold him accountable and not step in too easily to help him.  He said that this gets very hard for parents to do, because they have a parent relationship, and it can just be upsestting for kids to have their parents in that role.  He said it is just a better dynamic.  But my aunt and uncle are not pursueing that direction, for a few reasons, that are sensible reasons, so I don't know how helpful it would be. 

 

Edit again:  The person I spoke to who recommended a life coach as an option (and with "life coach" meaning someone who would be hired through an ABA or similar agency, who had experience with autism, OR hiring a student or someone and using a framework guide -- there is someone in our state who does this service as a supervisor, and has a framework and will train the life coach and tell them how to do things).  Sorry -- anyway -- in our state, there is a community college, that has a special program/club for autism/aspergers, and this man is a person who works with this program.  So -- he has experience with the young adult age -- this program is for "through age 25."  Someone I knwo through my son was kind enough to give me his name and tell me about how he works with this community college program, but I still cold-called him by getting his information from the program's web page. 

 

It was not very satisfying to talk with him at the time, because he was very "there are no quick fixes, there are no one-size-fits-all solutions" in his attitude, and I was not happy to hear that.  But -- it has turned out that I think about the things he said on the phone.  It has turned out to be helpful information.