Would this acceptable for 3rd grade writing??

[housemouse]

Ds had to write about an animal of his choosing. He chose bats. This is what he wrote after taking notes based on his reading on bats from animal encyclopedias we had. Aside from spelling errors (which I did not correct on purpose), would this be acceptable for 3rd grade writing. He is very straight forward minimalist in his writing and does not do too much "prettying up" which he considers absolutely unnecessary and waste of time. What can be done to make this better without ds having a meltdown about it? Thank you very much.

 

                                                                                        

                                                                                                           Bats

 

Bats are mammals who are nocturnal.  There are types of bats such as the fruit bat, lesser and greater horseshoe bats, pipistrelle bats, vampire bats, and ‘Daubenton’s’ Bats.  Bats have a wingspan of 6-74, while their lifespan is 4-5 years.  They have hollow bones, making their wings lightweight.  The bats’ habitats are in forests, woodlands, and grasslands.  They also have nursery roosts, which are where bats have babies.  They have two roots, the original one, and a second one in a cave.  It feeds on insects, small animals, fish, and flowers.  Vampire bats feed on blood from cattle and horses, while fruit bats eat fruit.  For the bats’ survival, it uses echolocation to find its enemies as well as knowing where the bat is going.  It also goes in caves to hide from predators in the day.

[Critterfixer]

For a kid who considers writing a waste of his time the first thing I would do is to praise him loudly for his work. And go show it off to all and sundry relatives and friends who can be counted on for a positive review. That can go a long way in helping a reluctant writer to realize that his writing is a form of communication that is appreciated.  I would certainly accept that paragraph for his report on the subject, but I wouldn't let it go quite yet.

 

The content is good. Organization could be improved by moving some sentences around. I would not require a rewrite, but I would probably have him sit next to me while I made three headings: General Bat Stuff, Types of Bats, Bat Life. I would then take his sentences and rewrite them for him under those headings so that he gets a visual picture of where each sentence could go to organize the paragraph. 

After that, if bats are of interest to him, I would probably get additional readings on the vampire and the fruit bat from the library. I would go about a discussion of taking a topic from a broad one "Bats" to a more specific one "Vampire Bats" and how that makes his life easier when writing.

Then I would go grab my Calvin and Hobbes from the shelf (or from under my children's beds at the moment) and show him the cartoon sequence where Calvin totally bungles his report on bats! :lol:

[8filltheheart]

My comments are similar to Critterfixer's. His actual sentence writing skills are solid. where his writing is lacking is paragraph cohesion. He has simply linked a bunch of sentences together.

 

Fwiw, I think the fault is in the breadth of the topic. Bats as a subject is broad enough to write an entire book but pretty unwieldy for a single paragraph. For young kids it is better to narrow the topic for them so that they can build an actual paragraph. For example, he could have written a paragraph about bat habitats or elocution. You might try generating the topic sentence for him and help him keep his supporting details focused on that topic.

[AnniePoo]

I'd pass out from shock if my 3rd grader did that.

[housemouse]

Thank you for all the comments and suggestions.

 

I always praise the writing that is good. That as was said before is good writing. I just wanted reassurance more for myself if anything. As for the topic being too broad, I really did not expect ds to just scrunch it all in one paragraph. We did an outline together on the dry erase board before he went on to reading, taking notes on each point and then writing. And I did go to the library to pick up few books on bats which he read within 2 hours of bringing them home. He actually went back to the computer and added in few more details this morning. It still reads like encyclopedia entry to me though. Maybe I should just leave it alone after the sentences have been rearranged and just move on to the next lesson.

 

 

[Critterfixer]

 

I always praise the writing that is good. That as was said before is good writing. I just wanted reassurance more for myself if anything. As for the topic being too broad, I really did not expect ds to just scrunch it all in one paragraph. We did an outline together on the dry erase board before he went on to reading, taking notes on each point and then writing. And I did go to the library to pick up few books on bats which he read within 2 hours of bringing them home. He actually went back to the computer and added in few more details this morning. It still reads like encyclopedia entry to me though. Maybe I should just leave it alone after the sentences have been rearranged and just move on to the next lesson.

 

You could do that. Or you could let him keep doing research and thinking about the work. 

In third grade I would focus just on the paragraph. Heck, mine needed work on sentences! Give him something that will condense to a paragraph and work on organizing that paragraph until he becomes very comfortable with the paragraph. The fact that he is taking new information and adding on to his work makes me think he's not quite ready to be done with it, but I could be wrong about that. 

 

It wouldn't bother me one whit that the entry sounds like the encyclopedia at this point. Style comes more from reading extensively and then practicing the rhetoric of the authors that speak to you. I may be a bit biased, but I like the clean, "flowerless" look when it comes to writing about science topics.

[texasmama]

I agree that this is a fine run at writing on bats for a child this age, and I think he would benefit from some specific instruction on note-taking and outlining prior to embarking upon writing a paragraph.

 

My third grader would likely write a similar paragraph given those parameters, and she enjoys writing.  She would probably try to work in a direct quote, though, because she really loves those.  :)

 

 

[texasmama]

It wouldn't bother me one whit that the entry sounds like the encyclopedia at this point. Style comes more from reading extensively and then practicing the rhetoric of the authors that speak to you. I may be a bit biased, but I like the clean, "flowerless" look when it comes to writing about science topics.

I agree.  I dislike science writing such as "The noble bat, the most glorious of all of the insect-munching mammals, will often pursue a tasty tidbit of juicy morsel under the dark cover of the moonlit night, ere hoping for nary a predatory animal to pass over its shadowy figure."

 

Save it for the Anne of Green Gables sequel.  ;)

[8filltheheart]

I personally wouldn't have him rewrite the paragraph. I would simply talk to him about topic sentences and how they control what information goes together. You could model how his paragraph could be broken into paragraphs based on the details he wrote, but I would not have him rewrite it. You can tell he put a lot of effort into it. My kids would view having to rewrite it as meaning they had not completed an assignment according to their level of understanding. If he has not learned about topic sentences and their control over the details, he did complete it to his level of understanding. Modeling ts and supporting detail construction looks like the next logical step for him.

 

Fwiw, one thing my kids have loved is creating little chapter books. We take a subject they enjoy and write paragraphs about different aspects and illustrate each part and then we compile them into books. It helps them keep their paragraphs on target. (My boys enjoyed writing chpt books on the solar system, dinosaurs, trains, etc.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, it is perfectly acceptable for 3rd grade writing.  I agree with talking to him about topic sentences etc. 

[housemouse]

Fwiw, one thing my kids have loved is creating little chapter books. We take a subject they enjoy and write paragraphs about different aspects and illustrate each part and then we compile them into books. It helps them keep their paragraphs on target. (My boys enjoyed writing chpt books on the solar system, dinosaurs, trains, etc.)

Love this idea.  He might just like to write something as a book. He currently has two stories going simultaneously but I am not allowed to read them just yet as they are not finished enough to his liking. He has pages and pages of dialogue and battles and conquests going there from little snippets he told me.