I am worried about our 7 year old son, has anxiety issues, self loathing, and other things

[tiffanyandgreg]

I would love any advice that you may be able to give me. 

 

We are a very loving Christian homeschooling family.  My first child (10) is very strong willed, but when she turned 8 she really started to not fight us on everything, and has complied with our requests and does her schoolwork, chores, etc with a much better attitude. 

 

Our second child.  This is where my concern is.  He also is strong willed (but I would say not to the extent as his sister, or dad is).  He has had anger issues since he was 3.  He would hit me, charge at me, kick at me, etc.  His anger was directed at me, and not his siblings.  We did see his episodes grew in number when dad was in a busy season at work and not home as much.  We would then try and make sure he had some good, physical play with daddy (sports, riding bikes, wrestling, etc).  This has helped, but he is now almost 8, and still has some anger issues. 

 

He has been my most anxious child (will not do any classes/sports/ etc since he is nervous about who the teacher/coach might be.  He will have anxious thoughts at bed, and other times during the day.  He worries we will be late when driving places, etc.  Out of my 4 kids, he is the one to worry the most. 

 

He says that he does not sleep well.  He does not look tired and I do not see signs of droopy eyes, yawning.

 

He is not reading past beginning levels.  We have tried many different programs, and he has not been able to get past a certain level with any program.  So there is something that is not clicking.  His vision and tracking are great.  We only encourage in his reading lessons, but he hates doing reading for school.  I try to keep the lessons short for this reason.

 

Mondays seem to be very hard for him...he does not want to do his chores (only 2 small ones) school work, or go to bed.  He will fight about doing all of those things.  Some days, he does not put up a fight.  But many days he does. 

 

He refused to go to bed the other night and received a punishment (could not watch a movie he wanted the next day) and he was so upset...he was wriggling, scratching himself, and finally choking himself.  He gets very upset with punishments and then starts to self hate himself, and wants to know why he cannot do what is right. 

 

I have seen improvement from a year ago as far as the physically out of control, but he still gets out of control, where I sometimes have to restrain him so he does not damage the house. 

 

We pray over him constantly and have never told him he is a bad boy.  Any help/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

First I would talk to his pediatrician.  You can ask for an appointment where you talk to the doctor without the child present so that you can explain some of the behaviors.  The pediatrician might want to have him evaluated by a neuro-psych for anxiety and other issues.  I really recommend doing this as it can give you a road map in knowing what his issues are and what needs to be addressed.  

[OneStepAtATime]

What Jean said.  I highly, highly recommend what Jean said.

[zoobie]

I would consult a professional. Your ped may have a recommendation for a child psychologist or psychiatrist.

 

I'd back off on punishments until then. Stick to natural/logical consequences as much as possible.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Tiffany,

 

Take him to the doctor. Tell the doctor you have to restrain him sometimes so he won't be destructive, that he suffers from anger, anxiety and self-loathing, and that he sees himself as bad even though you don't call him bad. Tell the doctor you need your child evaluated, and you need some resources to discipline him in ways other than punishment. "Non-punitive parenting."

 

We can talk with you about non-punitive methods of redirecting him, and about removing the "good/bad" dichotomy from his thinking and whether this is being compounded by religious overtones of guilt...I understand that you're trying to teach him that he is loved and that he isn't bad but I can tell you that children do get the idea that they are upsetting their parents and disappointing God, which can lead to some of these problems...I'm not trying to diagnose him but this would be one concern...

 

We are here for you. But you need to start with professional help from someone IRL who will stay with you over the long run over these issues.

 

I really believe that.

 

Tibbie

[Storygirl]

Tiffany, my son suffers from anxiety, and I want you to know that medical professionals can help with this. DS and I spent some time working with a psychologist, and we also learned soothing techniques from an occupational therapist. Medication is also available, although we have been able to address things without it up to this point. Your child's doctor should be able to direct you to specialists who can help. We are a Christian family, and we have not found any of the treatments to be at odds with our faith in any way (just in case that is a concern for you).

[Lang Syne Boardie]

nm, that was TMI to leave up overnight -- if the OP or anybody was reading and wants it, just pm me

[Mergath]

This might be kind of random, but I get the sense from your post that you have a very religious household, and, reading between the lines a bit, a focus on obedience with punishment as a consequence for failure to immediately obey.

 

Do you focus on hell and divine punishment a lot?  For a kid with severe anxiety issues, that can quite literally drive them insane.  I went through it as a young teen forced to attend an AoG church.  I have OCD and anxiety, and I was terrified of hell and God's retribution.  It was a nightmare.  I used to sit up all night long frantically paging through the bible trying to figure out if I was going to hell or not.  I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, was probably very unpleasant to be around.  The pressure from my anxiety, plus the pressure from religion was too much for me.  (It's also a huge part of why I'm not a Christian, but that's a whole different post. ;) )

 

So my point is to back off on anything negative and punishment-oriented, both at home and in religion.  For kids with anxiety, it can be too much to handle.  Focus on positive things.  Cut him some slack.  Kids aren't really evil creatures that need to be whipped into productive humans, I promise.  Ease up, let him do his own thing for a while, and just listen to him instead of giving him chores and directives.  See if it helps.  I know that would have helped me hugely as a kid with many of the same issues.

[Farrar]

Please don't punish a child for anxiety. I understand that often the behavior exhibited by kids with anxiety looks like willfulness or disobedience, but it's really not coming from a place of wanting to disobey or hurt you - all that anger and insomnia and so forth is coming from a place of hurting inside him, not wanting to hurt you. You say he didn't go to bed... does that just mean he had insomnia? Did he refuse to go get in bed? Could it be that he dreads the bed, where he lays waiting for sleep that just won't come because he's too anxious? Punishing that isn't going to help. I also wonder about the reading issue. If Monday is when lessons resume and he's filled with anxiety about learning, about reading, about being "behind" or "dumb" or whatever messages he's internalized about his reading, then it doesn't seem surprising that Mondays are difficult.

 

Seconding the advice to please talk to your pediatrician and then please, please see an appropriate professional to help you help this child.

[sbgrace]

A couple of thoughts.

 

I agree with the recommendation to get a professional evaluation. Once you know what you're dealing with, you can tailor treatment. Most anxiety and mood issues can be helped with cognitive behavioral therapy. For some issues there are pediatric clinical trial studied supplements that might help. Sometimes kids need medication for their minds, just like others need it for asthma or diabetes. But you can't research and evaluate possible treatments if you don't know what's causing the issue. The first line treatments for most issues will be behavioral.

 

At the very minimum, he seems to have issues with emotional regulation and anxiety. Emotional regulation--there is a book called Zones of Regulation to help work on this area. Anxiety, including OCD and others, can certainly latch on to religion. But they will latch onto whatever is important to a person. So religion isn't the cause, and lack of religion isn't the remedy.  My friend's sons anger and school issues, it turns out, were actually related to undiagnosed OCD. As they identified and treated that, the other issues resolved or got easier. There are certainly good treatments for anxiety, including non drug treatments, but they are particular to the type of anxiety. So, again, getting assessment can really help.

 

As far as parenting a child like this I highly recommend this book

http://www.amazon.com/Christlike-Parenting-Taking-Pain-Out/dp/1882723465

 

The things you described....I really think this will help in communicating what you hope to communicate in your parenting.

 

It's so clear you love this boy!

 

 

 

[poppy]

I wrote a somewhat similar post a couple of weeks ago regarding anxiety and what I called "negative self talk: - no religion or anger issues in my case - and got the same advice. I'm glad I did go to the ped.  We have a few appointments set up that I think will really help my daughter.  We also got some unexpected medical news which (don't want to go into detail) has kickstarted some positive changes already.

 

Good luck.

[EndOfOrdinary]

My son's OCD anxiety stuff started around 2.5, so we identified it early before it could really "blossom." That does not mean it went away, but it is actively managed. For us going to the pediatrician was the key to really getting and action plan and learning what to do. Not everything worked right away, but we figured out what options we had so we could try to get through to out little person.

 

The big one that the psychologist had us start doing was asking Ds to vocalize his emotions. As a very young child (under 6) that meant providing a very short list of options. Now that Ds is bigger, we try to help him discover what emotions he is feeling which come out in fear and self loathing/inadequacy due to perfectionism. Often times the first response from Ds is "I don't know" and then lots of overwhelming emotions. Which is quickly followed up with, "That makes sense. Sometimes I do not know how I am feeling either. It can make me really react quite extremely. So let's just sit down and talk about it. Who knows, we might discover something." It is a very no pressure, I love you no matter what, shame and judgment free zone. Dh HAS to step out of it. He cannot come from a shame/judgment free place. He was not raised that way and has lots of difficulty recognizing it. The slightest bit and Ds clams right up and then things turn very negative (scary depression/self loathing). Dh does not directly mean to do this, so he just steps back.

 

My son likes the physical contact of sitting together. I was angrier as an OCD/perfection kid and this would have caused me to lash out. I really needed to scream, or flail, or get rid of the pent up emotions physically - safely, but physically. I am still very much this way. A really hot shower (like really hot), screaming into a pillow, throwing the ball for the dog as hard as I can over and over all help me get ready to talk about something. If I am not prepared to talk about it, then I get really emotionally intense. My son has tearful meltdowns. It is as though there is too much inside trying to get out and so everything just goes haywire.

 

To some degree Dh is a saint for putting up with us. In all honesty, he also fans the flames sometimes inadvertently and makes situations horrifically worse. I add this because you could be highly well meaning (like my husband) yet say or do the completely wrong thing. Talk to professionals.

[gardenmom5]

just because you don't see him yawning, doesn't mean he isn't getting enough sleep - he says he doesn't sleep well - why don't you believe him?  (try melatonin.  our bodies produce it, but some people do not produce enough.  start small.  dudeling would never take anything I gave him,  the second night - he asked for it as it made such a difference for his sleep.)

 

have you discussed your son with his ped?  anxiety and oppositional defiance disorder can be co-morbid.  you can get some medical suggestions, and I would consider those starting places.

 

 

[eternalsummer]

... I went through it as a young teen forced to attend an AoG church.  I have OCD and anxiety, and I was terrified of hell and God's retribution.  It was a nightmare.  I used to sit up all night long frantically paging through the bible trying to figure out if I was going to hell or not.  I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, was probably very unpleasant to be around.  ...

 

 

I'm so sorry you went through that :(  It's not something I ever considered (I was raised without religion, and am not religious now).  I was a very anxious child and I can see how living with that paradigm (is that the right word?) as a fearful type of kid would make you either insane or a non-believer.

[MotherGoose]

This is not normal behavior, and it's something for which you need professional help. By seeking professional help you are not discounting your religion and the help of God. If I was hit by a car I would certainly pray about it, but I would also go to the ER for the help of doctors that God has given us to help us. Psychiatric illnesses are no different. I used to be a therapist before kids, and these things can get better. I had anxiety issues as a child and remember quite a lot of misery that I wish had been treated.

[Insertcreativenamehere]

We went through similar issues with my DS2 when he was 6. Our family had been through a very traumatic year with his little brother's frequent life-threatening issues and DS2 felt lost in the shuffle. He was running away, saying he didn't want to live anymore and generally acting out. He was extremely anxious about school and any new kind of activity. 

 

We got him into counseling with a Christian therapist but what helped most was spending lots of quality time one-on-one with him. It's actually what led us to homeschooling. He is doing better now, but still has his moments ...