Is there a way to approach these things? (cc)

[PeacefulChaos]

I posted in the past about our decision to leave the church we had been attending for the past 12.5 years. We went looking for a different church for a few months.

 

We recently started attending a new church. This church isn't perfect, it's not 100% what I was looking for, but where we are it's the best available. It's about 30 minutes away, which takes some getting used to, and it's a relatively young church (as in, only been around 5ish years). They recently moved into their first building, they are still working out kinks in some systems, don't have a worship team, etc.

 

I'm trying to navigate 'new church' dynamics. I've never been totally 'new' at a church before - not since I was 9 lol. (The church dh and I attended after we moved here is the one he grew up in, so even though I was technically 'new', I was immediately known and accepted as 'part of the group', if that makes sense.)

There are a few things that I'm trying to decide whether or not to approach them about. None are a big deal, but they are things that I'm pretty familiar with that they don't do currently, and I just want to offer my help. That said, by NO means do I think I know more than others or am I assuming that they don't know these things.... I just don't know, kwim?

For example:

The kids go into their classes after worship is over. I've noticed that on the wall next to Pink's classroom, there is a schedule of the different classes for the month and the teachers. Sometimes, the teachers are a married couple, but it doesn't list whether or not a third adult is present. I'm not sure if they go through any sort of training on safety - leaving kids with just one adult, sending them to the bathroom, etc, etc (which would include the part of married couples not being able to serve together without another adult). I'm just curious about it for the safety of the kids, but just as much for the protection of the church!

I emailed the pastor about this and background checks on teachers/workers because I felt that these were the most important of the things that I'm familiar with. I just emailed them as a question - 'does the church do background checks on those working with children? Do they do any sort of training/risk management stuff?'

He replied that they 'know all the teachers, but plan to implement background checks soon'. No mention was made about the training.

 

My feeling is that I should not press the issue of the training at this point. But then at the same time I can't help wondering if they realize what an asset it would be!

It's worth noting that the pastor does not know me. We have said hi briefly after service but DH and I haven't really taken the time to really get to know them or anything - idk, to me it has always seemed that the people who make a point to make themselves known to the pastor end up being suck ups. On top of that, I'm not really looking to form any real strong bonds with the people at the church in general, just bc I don't feel the need to. I've got plenty of friends (from various churches) who don't live in another county, kwim? ****(see below)

I probably won't volunteer until I've been there at least 6 months, and then we will see. Idk.

 

My other area of knowledge is in music, but right now they don't have any use for that. Even if they did though, what would I do? If they start having a praise and worship team/band, and i notice things that need to be fixed, is there a way to go about that without looking like 'the new woman coming in and trying to take over'?

 

I guess I just can't figure it out. Our previous church left me with a lot of knowledge of children's ministry and the inner workings (my best friend was the children's pastors wife, and I volunteered in the nursery for 10 years), as well as worship team and music ministry. I've got no desire to run in and try to change anything or tell people what to do, but how do I let them know that I'm available if they should need me?

 

Idk. I'm stumped.

 

**** edited for clarity- I'm not against making new friends or meeting new people - I look forward to that. My meaning is that I'm not going into this church lacking that, so my needs are not that of many new churchgoers - new to the area, need to meet people, or new to Christianity, need to get to know other people of faith. I 100% expect to get involved and form relationships with people here, and look forward to it, as I expect it will happen with further involvement.

[purpleowl]

Our church has a...oh, I can't remember what they call it.  A checklist where you can indicate areas that you have expertise/talent/interest in, so that the church leadership can contact you if they have a need in that area.  You can approach it as, "Hey, I would love to find some opportunities to serve our new church family.  Do you have something set up where I can let the church leadership know where my strengths and experience lie?"  I think that would probably be well received.  

[Chris in VA]

I guess I'm a little curious about how you see church. For me, it's a place to worship, and a place to learn, and a place to offer my talents. I want to get to know the people, because I believe in church as a community where the people are real with each other and help each other, and minister together; I want to be with friends at church.

I don't have experience with the idea of going for...well, for something else. To not want to get to know the pastor and not be interested in forming friendships with the people there is kinda foreign to me.

[staceyobu]

I probably won't volunteer until I've been there at least 6 months, and then we will see. Idk.

 

 

If you are brand new to the church, I would decide if these are things you can live with if they are never addressed.  I would also not volunteer criticism unless you are willing to step up to the plate and make the changes happen.  If you are unsure if you would even volunteer in the nursery at this church, I think it a bit unfair that you would want those volunteering to attend training.  

 

I hope that doesn't come across harshly, but I do think it is a bit unfair to come in and immediately ask for nursery changes and worship music changes.  Now, if you are willing to work your way up to nursery coordinator, then I feel you can give your input. I do understand your safety concerns.  But, I would think you need to decide if it is a deal killer or something you are willing to work to improve.

[PeacefulChaos]

I guess I'm a little curious about how you see church. For me, it's a place to worship, and a place to learn, and a place to offer my talents. I want to get to know the people, because I believe in church as a community where the people are real with each other and help each other, and minister together; I want to be with friends at church.

I don't have experience with the idea of going for...well, for something else. To not want to get to know the pastor and not be interested in forming friendships with the people there is kinda foreign to me.

I pretty much agree. I go to church for all the reasons you listed in the first paragraph.

 

IMO, the way to get to know a pastor is not to make yourself known. I'm not going to try to schmooze people by walking up, introducing our whole family, try to take them out for lunch, whatever. In my experience, the people who do those things are not genuine - they are looking to have a false feeling of importance because they suck up to the pastor. Does that make sense?

Maybe others haven't had a lot of experiences with people like that, but I've seen them in every Church I've been in. So when I was talking about not knowing the pastor, that's what I meant.

IME, the best way of getting to know people is through involvement in a church. I was the choir director for church musicals, which is how most people got to know me. I went to the moms Bible study when my kids were younger, and people got to know me. I worked closely with people on worship team and in children's ministry, etc. To me, just walking up to people isn't how to make friends.

At this church there is very little to become involved in. We hate baseball, so no, we are not signing up for the softball team. I actually feel that no one should just jump straight into volunteering upon beginning to attend a church, because until you've been there a few months (6 is a good number IMO), you don't really know it that well. And even then, I can't say I would volunteer with the children, which is pretty much all they have. There is a Wednesday night bible study but nothing for the kids during... There is a Thursday night women's group once a month.

What I mean is that I don't feel bad about not trying to make it to these things. They are not a priority to me. It's not that I am against being involved in church (we are by nature inclined to be very involved, as we were at our old one), I just haven't seen anything yet that I want to step out and make a priority to be involved in. And idk, I just don't feel bad about that - I don't feel like it's necessary.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding your post.  You seem to be equating helping with pointing out things to fix.  Most people in groups I've been in (both secular and church) want you to be involved in helping out more (as in assisting in doing things their way) before trying to fix anything.  I think it was fine to ask about background checks.  Are you specifically worried about any of your kids in their classes?  

[bolt.]

I think, since these are not pressing issues to you, that you would integrate yourself socially and join in on ministry the way things are. Yes, I get that the ability to see where flaws can be streamlined and turned into assets is "help" but, you, like me, have probably experienced that "help" being taken the wrong way (as criticism, or requests for change, or dissatisfaction).

 

The kind of help they need first is to make their existing systems more robust, without rocking the boat in any way. After a short phase of that, people will probably accept you as an intelligent, helpful, useful, well-meaning part of the group: all of which are critical for being able to help initiate changes. Then you initiate changes by saying things like, "I've noticed that sometimes (some flaw with a concrete example) so would anyone mind if I (did xyz) to address it? Would everyone be willing to (give me approval / do their small part) to respond to my initiative?"

[PeacefulChaos]

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding your post. You seem to be equating helping with pointing out things to fix. Most people in groups I've been in (both secular and church) want you to be involved in helping out more (as in assisting in doing things their way) before trying to fix anything. I think it was fine to ask about background checks. Are you specifically worried about any of your kids in their classes?

As far as being worried, no, because it's not my nature to worry about things like that. But I have friends who are hyper-vigilant about it (they haven't ever attended this church) and I think it's good practice so I don't know why they wouldn't want to have measures in place.

I don't see that as trying to fix things, per se; but I guess it could be construed that way. Which is exactly why I'm hesitant to say anything! Im not interested in being pushy or trying to get my way or whatever - if they honestly don't see any benefit in training, that is what it is. But what I'm having trouble figuring out is if they aren't interested or just don't know that much about it.

 

Idk, I just don't see how background checks and risk management training are anything that could be negative for anyone involved. It protects everyone. It is for the church as a whole. (Though obviously there are never any 100% guarantees). The thought that a 'regular church attendee' can't bring these ideas up is very strange to me. I think everyone who is a committed part of the church should be free to ask questions, offer ideas, and voice concerns. It makes me sad to see how unacceptable that is in churches nowadays. :(

[PeacefulChaos]

If you are brand new to the church, I would decide if these are things you can live with if they are never addressed. I would also not volunteer criticism unless you are willing to step up to the plate and make the changes happen. If you are unsure if you would even volunteer in the nursery at this church, I think it a bit unfair that you would want those volunteering to attend training.

 

I hope that doesn't come across harshly, but I do think it is a bit unfair to come in and immediately ask for nursery changes and worship music changes. Now, if you are willing to work your way up to nursery coordinator, then I feel you can give your input. I do understand your safety concerns. But, I would think you need to decide if it is a deal killer or something you are willing to work to improve.

I addressed most of this in an earlier reply, but I'm confused about the 'worship music changes' part. We don't have a worship team, so it's kind of moot. I am hoping (as are many others, I'm sure) that we will one day have a praise/worship team - at which point I'll most likely volunteer to join. I don't really understand why that's a negative? I didn't mean I'd try to change anything as is - I meant I'd like to be a part of it, if and when it happens.

[marbel]

As far as being worried, no, because it's not my nature to worry about things like that. But I have friends who are hyper-vigilant about it (they haven't ever attended this church) and I think it's good practice so I don't know why they wouldn't want to have measures in place.

I don't see that as trying to fix things, per se; but I guess it could be construed that way. Which is exactly why I'm hesitant to say anything! Im not interested in being pushy or trying to get my way or whatever - if they honestly don't see any benefit in training, that is what it is. But what I'm having trouble figuring out is if they aren't interested or just don't know that much about it.

 

Idk, I just don't see how background checks and risk management training are anything that could be negative for anyone involved. It protects everyone. It is for the church as a whole. (Though obviously there are never any 100% guarantees). The thought that a 'regular church attendee' can't bring these ideas up is very strange to me. I think everyone who is a committed part of the church should be free to ask questions, offer ideas, and voice concerns. It makes me sad to see how unacceptable that is in churches nowadays. :(

 

Where are you getting the idea it's unacceptable to ask questions, offer ideas, etc?  From the people at the church, or from people here?   Why can't a "regular church attendee" bring those things up?

 

I've been a new person at church quite a few times.   It can be hard to find a place at a new church, and it can be really hard to see things that could be improved and then not feel you can do anything to help improve them.   But sometimes it is better to sit back and see how things go for a while.   In my experience, when there is a need, there is a request for people to fill it.  So, when this church starts to realize they need better policies in their nursery, they will ask who wants to help work on that.  And you can be there to help.   Maybe you will end up leading the effort.

 

There's just no way for a brand new person - and, speaking gently, someone who has said "On top of that, I'm not really looking to form any real strong bonds with the people at the church in general, just bc I don't feel the need to. I've got plenty of friends (from various churches) who don't live in another county, kwim?"  - to avoid looking like they want to come in and change things around.

 

It may be that they are just too immersed in getting started in their new building to work on nursery policies. If they have been a small church where everyone knows everyone else, it may seem unimportant compared to other things, right now.  Our church is going through that now.  We are having to comply with new laws AND with the fact that our church is growing and there are a lot of visitors with kids who, of course, want to know their kids are safe.  It's not unreasonable to ask about nursery procedures, background checks, training, not having married couples serving together.   It might be unreasonable to think they will be ready to do something about it right now, simply because you are asking.  It doesn't mean it's not OK to ask.   But you might have to be a little patient.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

As far as being worried, no, because it's not my nature to worry about things like that. But I have friends who are hyper-vigilant about it (they haven't ever attended this church) and I think it's good practice so I don't know why they wouldn't want to have measures in place.

I don't see that as trying to fix things, per se; but I guess it could be construed that way. Which is exactly why I'm hesitant to say anything! Im not interested in being pushy or trying to get my way or whatever - if they honestly don't see any benefit in training, that is what it is. But what I'm having trouble figuring out is if they aren't interested or just don't know that much about it.

 

Idk, I just don't see how background checks and risk management training are anything that could be negative for anyone involved. It protects everyone. It is for the church as a whole. (Though obviously there are never any 100% guarantees). The thought that a 'regular church attendee' can't bring these ideas up is very strange to me. I think everyone who is a committed part of the church should be free to ask questions, offer ideas, and voice concerns. It makes me sad to see how unacceptable that is in churches nowadays. :(

Oh, I agree on the  background checks and training and don't think it's wrong to bring that up or anything else either.  

 

I posted in the past about our decision to leave the church we had been attending for the past 12.5 years. We went looking for a different church for a few months.

 

We recently started attending a new church. This church isn't perfect, it's not 100% what I was looking for, but where we are it's the best available. It's about 30 minutes away, which takes some getting used to, and it's a relatively young church (as in, only been around 5ish years). They recently moved into their first building, they are still working out kinks in some systems, don't have a worship team, etc.

 

I'm trying to navigate 'new church' dynamics. I've never been totally 'new' at a church before - not since I was 9 lol. (The church dh and I attended after we moved here is the one he grew up in, so even though I was technically 'new', I was immediately known and accepted as 'part of the group', if that makes sense.)

There are a few things that I'm trying to decide whether or not to approach them about. None are a big deal, but they are things that I'm pretty familiar with that they don't do currently, and I just want to offer my help. That said, by NO means do I think I know more than others or am I assuming that they don't know these things.... I just don't know, kwim?

For example:

The kids go into their classes after worship is over. I've noticed that on the wall next to Pink's classroom, there is a schedule of the different classes for the month and the teachers. Sometimes, the teachers are a married couple, but it doesn't list whether or not a third adult is present. I'm not sure if they go through any sort of training on safety - leaving kids with just one adult, sending them to the bathroom, etc, etc (which would include the part of married couples not being able to serve together without another adult). I'm just curious about it for the safety of the kids, but just as much for the protection of the church!

I emailed the pastor about this and background checks on teachers/workers because I felt that these were the most important of the things that I'm familiar with. I just emailed them as a question - 'does the church do background checks on those working with children? Do they do any sort of training/risk management stuff?'

He replied that they 'know all the teachers, but plan to implement background checks soon'. No mention was made about the training.

 

My feeling is that I should not press the issue of the training at this point. But then at the same time I can't help wondering if they realize what an asset it would be!

It's worth noting that the pastor does not know me. We have said hi briefly after service but DH and I haven't really taken the time to really get to know them or anything - idk, to me it has always seemed that the people who make a point to make themselves known to the pastor end up being suck ups. On top of that, I'm not really looking to form any real strong bonds with the people at the church in general, just bc I don't feel the need to. I've got plenty of friends (from various churches) who don't live in another county, kwim?

I probably won't volunteer until I've been there at least 6 months, and then we will see. Idk.

 

My other area of knowledge is in music, but right now they don't have any use for that. Even if they did though, what would I do? If they start having a praise and worship team/band, and i notice things that need to be fixed, is there a way to go about that without looking like 'the new woman coming in and trying to take over'?

 

I guess I just can't figure it out. Our previous church left me with a lot of knowledge of children's ministry and the inner workings (my best friend was the children's pastors wife, and I volunteered in the nursery for 10 years), as well as worship team and music ministry. I've got no desire to run in and try to change anything or tell people what to do, but how do I let them know that I'm available if they should need me?

 

Idk. I'm stumped.

I was responding to the bolded sentences but I recognize that you also said that you "don't want to run in and try to change anything or tell people what to do".    I think if you are actually part of the church, including making relationships with church members and leadership, they will be much more receptive to anything you say.  

[PeacefulChaos]

I think, since these are not pressing issues to you, that you would integrate yourself socially and join in on ministry the way things are. Yes, I get that the ability to see where flaws can be streamlined and turned into assets is "help" but, you, like me, have probably experienced that "help" being taken the wrong way (as criticism, or requests for change, or dissatisfaction).

 

The kind of help they need first is to make their existing systems more robust, without rocking the boat in any way. After a short phase of that, people will probably accept you as an intelligent, helpful, useful, well-meaning part of the group: all of which are critical for being able to help initiate changes. Then you initiate changes by saying things like, "I've noticed that sometimes (some flaw with a concrete example) so would anyone mind if I (did xyz) to address it? Would everyone be willing to (give me approval / do their small part) to respond to my initiative?"

Yes to all of this. Lol

 

most likely I will not say anything about anything unless it comes up for some reason.

 

Now I just need to figure out how to navigate being new lol. How exactly do we do that?

I want us to be involved, to be considered 'regulars', to be familiar. I just have no idea how to do that. When I was a kid my grandpa was who made us familiar and youth group was how I got to know other kids well; when I got married people knew me because I was dh's wife (and were then quick to get to know me for real).

 

I will admit that it was a bit begrudgingly that I began attending this church regularly. It's not the church's fault, which is why I ended up going with it...,. Dh's family goes there now, too. We have a very long and complicated history of attending church with my ILs, and I really didn't want to be the same place as them again. Originally, it was just my BIL and his family at this church. I already felt like I didn't necessarily want to go there, just because it seemed weird to me, like we followed them or something (albeit years later). Then when my ILs started, I sort of dreaded it because of all the history involved. In fact, the very first time we went there - before we had actually even left ours, we went for my nieces dedication - I kind of felt like we fit there (this was before the ILs started). Then it all flipped when they went there.

So far it hasn't been bad, but there are little things (about the ILs, not the church) that make me roll my eyes. I think it's weird for all of us to sit together. My FIL tries to pick my kids up from class, which annoys me to no end (they haven't let him, so far - a tag with a matching number to the kids is required! Woohoo!) He has. Very commanding presence, so the rare times when we speak with someone he usually bursts in and takes over the conversation. So I kind of think we just blend in with this blob of (our last name)s and I don't know how to distinguish us from them (not in a bad way).

Our kids have my BIL and his wife listed as their parents in the system bc apparently they saw the last name and just went with the ones who were already there. Twice now our tithes check has been put under their name.

None of these things are big issues. None of them are things I find any fault in... They are just things that are annoying me because they are just adding to a feeling of... Idk... Not-separateness? Lol. I guess they just aren't reassuring to me (again, which is no ones fault) about our chances of being a part of the church as dh and me, not so-and-so's brother or son or sister in law.

Like I said, I know those issues are mine. I'll get past them, I just need to figure out how. :p

 

I do look forward to getting involved again, when I figure out the way to do it. We were very involved at our last church, and we're both raised that way - always involved, always at church. That's another thing that's bothering (bothering is a bit strong, but I can't think of the word) me - being 30 minutes away, with limited opportunities for involvement. There is one Sunday service, Wednesday night bible study, Thursday night men's mtg once a month, women once a month, youth on Tuesdays. It's a lot less than I'm used to even if we did go Wednesdays and our respective Thursdays. It's already been an adjustment, being in service every week, sitting next to dh every week, for me!! (I can count on one hand the number of times I satnext to him on a Sunday morning in 12.5 years lol - I was never bothered by it, though, so while some people would be happy at the prospect, it was unusual and a bit uncomfortable for me! Weird, I know!)

[staceyobu]

I addressed most of this in an earlier reply, but I'm confused about the 'worship music changes' part. We don't have a worship team, so it's kind of moot. I am hoping (as are many others, I'm sure) that we will one day have a praise/worship team - at which point I'll most likely volunteer to join. I don't really understand why that's a negative? I didn't mean I'd try to change anything as is - I meant I'd like to be a part of it, if and when it happens.

 

I think it's fine to ask about future plans for worship music and suggest your interest in helping.  That's a bit different from suggesting changes with no intention of creating bonds with other members or volunteering. I think it's fine to "interview a pastor" but that is also a bit different than suggesting changes.

[PeacefulChaos]

For the sake of clarity, I'm happy to get to know people - im an extrovert and love being around people and forming new relationships. I worded it badly in the OP - my meaning was more that I'm not going into the church like im new to the area, need to find friends, stuff like that. I just know that a lot of new people may have more of a need for that, whether they are new to the area and need to meet people or new to Christianity and need to get to know people with faith. I'm neither of those, so finding a church was very much about being a part of it as a whole, it being a place that is good for the kids, doctrinal agreement, etc. I always EXPECT to make new friends, but did not come into it with a NEED for new friends...does that make sense?

 

Eta: I did those words in caps bc italics won't work on my phone. I wanted italics though lol

[bolt.]

You seem to be feeling like an "extension" of your in-laws, plus being unsure how to transition from standing around alone to being in conversations where you get to know people -- without using in-laws or other 'already known' faces as a stepping stone. It sounds to me like your in-law boundary-issue feelings are getting mixed up with your new-to-church feelings making one feeling that makes basically no sense, except to feel uncomfortable.

 

My suggestion are... (1) Just actually be "regular and familiar." Sit in similar places, follow a predictable routine, hang out before or after the service etc.

 

(2) Be understandable to observers as a 'sub unit' of the extended family. Do this by sitting/standing near your DH, and touching him and your children often. Stand more slightly away from your in-laws and be more distant with your nieces and nephews (if applicable). Arrive and leave on a different schedule from them. Underline, circle, or otherwise emphasize your first names on written documentation.

 

(3) Figure out who considers themselves in roles of ministry that include intentionally getting to know new people. Focus on one or more of these people. After services, choose one who is hanging out kinda far away from your in-law grouping. Wander towards them and comment on the weather... they should be able to take it from there, and it will help them think of you as an individual human being not 'one of' the in-law clan.

 

(4) Figure out who the key people are in areas that suit your plans to become involved. Begin to make friends those directions in one-on-one chatting or small group social moments.

[HSmomof2]

Yes to all of this. Lol

 

most likely I will not say anything about anything unless it comes up for some reason.

 

Now I just need to figure out how to navigate being new lol. How exactly do we do that?

I want us to be involved, to be considered 'regulars', to be familiar. I just have no idea how to do that. When I was a kid my grandpa was who made us familiar and youth group was how I got to know other kids well; when I got married people knew me because I was dh's wife (and were then quick to get to know me for real).

 

I will admit that it was a bit begrudgingly that I began attending this church regularly. It's not the church's fault, which is why I ended up going with it...,. Dh's family goes there now, too. We have a very long and complicated history of attending church with my ILs, and I really didn't want to be the same place as them again. Originally, it was just my BIL and his family at this church. I already felt like I didn't necessarily want to go there, just because it seemed weird to me, like we followed them or something (albeit years later). Then when my ILs started, I sort of dreaded it because of all the history involved. In fact, the very first time we went there - before we had actually even left ours, we went for my nieces dedication - I kind of felt like we fit there (this was before the ILs started). Then it all flipped when they went there.

So far it hasn't been bad, but there are little things (about the ILs, not the church) that make me roll my eyes. I think it's weird for all of us to sit together. My FIL tries to pick my kids up from class, which annoys me to no end (they haven't let him, so far - a tag with a matching number to the kids is required! Woohoo!) He has. Very commanding presence, so the rare times when we speak with someone he usually bursts in and takes over the conversation. So I kind of think we just blend in with this blob of (our last name)s and I don't know how to distinguish us from them (not in a bad way).

Our kids have my BIL and his wife listed as their parents in the system bc apparently they saw the last name and just went with the ones who were already there. Twice now our tithes check has been put under their name.

None of these things are big issues. None of them are things I find any fault in... They are just things that are annoying me because they are just adding to a feeling of... Idk... Not-separateness? Lol. I guess they just aren't reassuring to me (again, which is no ones fault) about our chances of being a part of the church as dh and me, not so-and-so's brother or son or sister in law.

Like I said, I know those issues are mine. I'll get past them, I just need to figure out how. :p

 

I do look forward to getting involved again, when I figure out the way to do it. We were very involved at our last church, and we're both raised that way - always involved, always at church. That's another thing that's bothering (bothering is a bit strong, but I can't think of the word) me - being 30 minutes away, with limited opportunities for involvement. There is one Sunday service, Wednesday night bible study, Thursday night men's mtg once a month, women once a month, youth on Tuesdays. It's a lot less than I'm used to even if we did go Wednesdays and our respective Thursdays. It's already been an adjustment, being in service every week, sitting next to dh every week, for me!! (I can count on one hand the number of times I satnext to him on a Sunday morning in 12.5 years lol - I was never bothered by it, though, so while some people would be happy at the prospect, it was unusual and a bit uncomfortable for me! Weird, I know!)

With this information, and experiencing a similar situation attending church with my parents & sister/bil in a church that is fairly small with limited opportunities for the last 4 years.....if you can, find a different church. If your experience is like ours, it won't improve, you'll always be part of the 'blob', and will most likely be happier somewhere else. We're making plans to look for another church this summer, which is complicated by me working for our current church as music director. So, it'll be a loss of our church, and a part-time income. But, the dynamics have just become too weird/unhealthy with my family there.

[HS Mom in NC]

1.  It's good to ask about childcare policies.  They answered you.  If you're OK with it, stay at the church. I think it's OK to point out, in the conversation about child policy, that some of your friends would be uncomfortable with that policy but let them know you're OK with it. It is on topic to discuss it when the topic comes up. I'm often very surprised how some people have no idea how different other people are in their thinking on any given topic. Sometimes just mentioning it gives them a useful heads up that helps them avoid future conflicts over these kinds of things.

2. It's perfectly acceptable to ask straight out if there are any volunteer ministry opportunities at this time. What other option is there? If there are and you're a good fit, go right ahead and offer your services.  If not, you'll probably have to wait until they expand their current ministry options and announce that they need volunteers.  Starting a new church requires a whole lot of work and juggling things for a while. They'll probably be fairly minimalist for a while. Or, if their new church is like my new church, they may have some planning session in the future where they want everyone to come and brainstorm with them. Keep the changing seasons of a homeschooler's life in mind before you go making suggestions and volunteering for things. You may need to make shorter commitments and rotate with other people for some seasons.

 

3.  Seriously consider if a 30 minute drive is realistic for you for the next several years.  If you're planning to be there multiple times a week for years, consider how that will affect your options for other aspects of your life as your kids get older.  Tweens and teens can be a whole lot of taxi driving depending on your lifestyle and activity choices.  High school level homeschooling is demanding for most people. Homeschooling 3 full time is demanding too.

 

4.  You meet people by introducing yourself and ask asking people about themselves.  You see someone you don't know and you walk up to them before or after the service and say, "Hi, I don't think we've met.  I'm ____________________.  I'm new." Then you ask them how it is they settled/or started visiting at this church.  You ask them about what they do during the week.  You ask about their family.  You ask how their Spring Break/Holiday was, etc. You remember the gist of their answers and as you see them in the future you ask follow up questions about previous conversations.  How did they enjoy their vacation?  How is Auntie doing after her surgery they asked everyone to pray about? How was Jr.'s interview for college/work/internship? If they mention a hobby ask about their latest project/class/game etc. If they had something insightful to say or asked a great question during Bible Study you chat with them about how it resonated with you and maybe mention some related teachings/ideas/application you've been thinking about, etc. Stuff like that.  Take an interest in them and what interests them and follow up.

[PrincessMommy]

I will admit I skimmed parts of your OP..so maybe I've missed something... but I would go talk with the pastor and/or one of the elders.  Unless...is this a big church (like more than 200 people)?  Maybe if it's big I can see that a pastor would not be as involved with his parishioners. 

 

I've been part of a new church (mission church, start up - whatever it's called these days).  My pastor, at the time, was very involved in all aspects of the church - to the point of over-doing it.  He needed help.  He wouldn't have thought it was "shmoozing" (I did read that part) if a new person had come to him asking how to get involved and sharing some of your talents.   Yes, there are definitely people who suck up to the pastor, but it will be obvious that that isn't what you're doing.  You're trying to find your place.

[PeacefulChaos]

You seem to be feeling like an "extension" of your in-laws, plus being unsure how to transition from standing around alone to being in conversations where you get to know people -- without using in-laws or other 'already known' faces as a stepping stone. It sounds to me like your in-law boundary-issue feelings are getting mixed up with your new-to-church feelings making one feeling that makes basically no sense, except to feel uncomfortable.

 

Yes, this sums it up well.  

It's kind of funny, because I'm generally a very social person - I have no problem talking to strangers sitting next to me, making conversation with random people, etc, and getting to know people - but for some reason, in the church context, with the ILs mixed in, I end up feeling like sort of an add-on, and I just sort of forget how I normally act lol.  (There are probably reasons for that, but we won't get into all my IL issues here. ;))

 

With this information, and experiencing a similar situation attending church with my parents & sister/bil in a church that is fairly small with limited opportunities for the last 4 years.....if you can, find a different church. If your experience is like ours, it won't improve, you'll always be part of the 'blob', and will most likely be happier somewhere else. We're making plans to look for another church this summer, which is complicated by me working for our current church as music director. So, it'll be a loss of our church, and a part-time income. But, the dynamics have just become too weird/unhealthy with my family there.

 

 

 

 

3.  Seriously consider if a 30 minute drive is realistic for you for the next several years.  If you're planning to be there multiple times a week for years, consider how that will affect your options for other aspects of your life as your kids get older.  Tweens and teens can be a whole lot of taxi driving depending on your lifestyle and activity choices.  High school level homeschooling is demanding for most people. Homeschooling 3 full time is demanding too.

 

 

 

These two here, I considered a LOT before we decided on this church, but in the end, there is literally nothing else.  We live in a very small town right in the middle of a pretty large rural area.  It's 45 minutes, at least, to get to any towns/cities/suburbs bigger than our town.  

The church we used to attend is the largest around, especially of those with belief systems that align with ours.  It was bigger than the one we are attending now, and was in our town.  We knew when we made that decision (to leave) that we'd be looking at traveling at least 15-20 minutes, most likely.  In the end, there wasn't a church we visited from November through February that was closer than 25.  Not that there were a lot on the list anyway - about 6.

We are surrounded by tons and tons of little tiny churches of a denomination that isn't ours.   :)  There are a handful of tiny churches of a denomination that we agree with, but in the end, the one we kind of liked we didn't like any better than this church (non denominational), not to mention it was the same distance, but what swung us over to this one was the opportunities for involvement for us and the kids.  The other church had maybe 30 people there, including just a handful of kids.  This church has more (a couple hundred maybe?) and many kids the same ages as ours.   Where the other church was sort of there and had been there forever, and didn't really seem to be exhibiting any growth, this church was.  

If there was something closer that was comparable, we'd love that.  If there was something where the ILs weren't there, we'd love that.  But there just isn't anything like that.  So to me, being able to consider the drive is a luxury that we just don't have.

[HSmomof2]

From your last post, with this church being a couple hundred people, you should be fine finding your place there. (We're dealing with a church that is 30-50 people, so family issues much more noticeable there.) I don't think there's anything wrong with asking about the nursery/children's workers having background checks. This should be minimum standard procedure for churches. If they don't have all their policies quite figured out yet but are working on them, that's fine too. It's also fine to take your time before deciding where you want to serve in a new church. Six months seems reasonable to me. I would be hesitant, however, in making suggestions about changing things until you are more involved and would probably be better received. And in a few months, some of these things may resolve themselves.