Teaching a child to cope with frustration

[rwilk]

My DD has been struggling lately with learning some life skills/fine motor skills. School-y things come easily to her so she's not used to struggling with a problem.  She was a late talker, because instead of babbling or learning a few words at a time, she pretty much jumped from soundless to sentences. She won't do something if she can't do it right.

 

So we are having trouble teaching her life skills that take practice. Dressing/undressing, potty training, using scissors, unclipping or clipping her car seat. If she can't do it, she won't work at it.  And it's driving me BONKERS.  

 

I'm at a loss for what to do to help her learn to deal with frustration/working through problems.  I try to let her see me struggle through problems, learn new skills, and fail at things. 

 

Does anyone else have this problem? Any ideas? Does it come with the accelerated territory?

 

Thanks!

[maize]

My kids have developed more persistence with age, keep modeling failing and trying again.

 

(But I'm cringing at the thought of actually teaching a preschooler to unbuckle their carseat--it's all I can do to try to keep mine from escaping his straps while en route!)

[Sneezyone]

I gave up trying to make my DS do everything that everyone else was doing and saved my sanity. Seriously, I just stopped fighting him all the time. Expecting him to comply just because I asked or demanded was not going to happen.

 

DS did not speak until 18 months and would not talk to anyone but me or dd until almost 3, and then only in complete sentences. By 3, I was at my wits end too and started getting down at eye level to explain, explain, and explain again what my expectations were. I didn't make him do stuff but I did make him understand what was expected. I did this for two years straight, consistently, in good times and bad (there were both). It was exhausting.

 

I bought him shoes with no laces. I served him deconstructed meals (same foods as the rest of us just not touching). When his kindy teacher told me she couldn't assess his reading because he wouldn't speak, I explained TO HIM that his teachers don't know what he can do because he won't talk. His response, "You mean, they think I'm stupid?!" Why yes, son, they do. By the end of the week, I was getting love notes about his sense of humor and academic abilities.

 

He needed the time/space to mature emotionally. He needed adults to talk with him not to him or about him and explain the reasoning for X Y, or Z. Then, and only then, did X, Y Z make sense for him to do. He is a control freak!

 

FWIW, my DS learned to tie his shoes just two months ago in a 15 minute session with DH, not me.  Apparently my bunny ear technique was too 'juvenile'. It's hard to be patient and rely on words with such a child but it did work for us. It is also an ongoing struggle. 

 

I wish I could say it was easy to get this child to take on challenges, even now, but it's not. If he cannot do it perfectly, he will not try. When he finally does deign to try it's like HOLY CRAP, where did that come from? He blows people away. It's just who he is. I'm just not worried anymore.

 

Honestly, I can't decide if he's conditioned me to accept less from him than he's capable of or I've learned to accept his idiosyncrasies.

[luuknam]

I've started reading books with perseverance as a topic to my 4yo, and talking a lot about how you get better at things with practice. Even easy things get better with practice - if academics is easy, that still doesn't mean that she's going from not reading to reading at a college level overnight. Sometimes practice may just not feel like practice, even if it is.

 

Car seats are tricky though. My almost 4.5yo just learned to strap himself in (as long as he's not wearing too many layers - if he's wearing a sweater and a winter coat he still needs me), and can't unstrap himself, and I can understand his problem - it's just not easy. Similar problem with some of his shirts - he's got a big head, and putting them on/taking them off sometimes requires a lot of force (and can be painful if it snags on an ear or something). I'm getting too tired to write anything else... but my point is that some of these things may just be harder than you'd think.

[maize]

 

 

Car seats are tricky though. My almost 4.5yo just learned to strap himself in (as long as he's not wearing too many layers - if he's wearing a sweater and a winter coat he still needs me), and can't unstrap himself, and I can understand his problem - it's just not easy. Similar problem with some of his shirts - he's got a big head, and putting them on/taking them off sometimes requires a lot of force (and can be painful if it snags on an ear or something). I'm getting too tired to write anything else... but my point is that some of these things may just be harder than you'd think.

 

This is true. Carseats in particular are designed to be difficult for children to undo.

 

Because of Houdinis like mine... ;)

[rwilk]

The car seat thing is part of a bigger pattern...can't put on lace-free shoes, can't pull up/down pants, can't open easy doorknobs. She can't do any of it, and refuses to try. Her development is constantly marked by refusal to work on skills, and waiting until she's certain that she can do it easily.

 

Edit: i do adore her, and she has plenty of skills and talents. I just don't think the ability to struggle is one of them

[maize]

The car seat thing is part of a bigger pattern...can't put on lace-free shoes, can't pull up/down pants, can't open easy doorknobs. She can't do any of it, and refuses to try. Her development is constantly marked by refusal to work on skills, and waiting until she's certain that she can do it easily.

 

Edit: i do adore her, and she has plenty of skills and talents. I just don't think the ability to struggle is one of them

 

Some kids are natural perfectionists and don't like to try things they are not sure they can do. Since you are aware of this tendency and are trying to encourage her to "get messy, take chances, make mistakes!" as Ms. Frizzle would say, I think you're already on the right track.

 

That said, from the perspective of a mom with a bit more experience, all of those are pretty normal things for a 3.5 year old to not do themselves. It's perfectly OK for mom to put on the shoes, pull up the pants, and open the doors at that age. I promise you won't still be doing those things for her when she is 18 :)

[Grover]

I just waited it out and refused to do anything for him that he could do for himself.  Picked a time when it didn't matter (to me) if we got to the place we were going, but my perfectionist wanted to.  Then I bought a book and sat in the car while he wailed and complained about not being able to get done up.  I made soothing noises, acknowledged his frustration, and reassured him that I had faith in his ability.  Same with getting dressed and aaaaalllll the other stuff.  I'd start getting ready to leave 2 hours before so he had time to do all of the wailing.  He's 8 now, and it is a LOT better... the tears are usually only a few minutes, if at all, and he is much more willing to give things a go now.  He also repeats to himself all those things I've been murmuring in his ears all these years.  "Calm down.  DOn't panic.  Deep breath.  I can do this.  Everything takes time.  It just takes practice.  I am building muscle memory"  and similar. 

[Incognito]

You could practice strengthening her hands (it sounds like that is the key issue in most of the things you want her to do).  There are a lot of fun ways to do that - playing with pretty beads, tongs, perler beads, etc.  I'm sure you could look it up on pinterest and get a million things.

 

FWIW, the only way I've had a kid WANT to do all that stuff for themselves at that age was to have older kids doing it around them all the time and they wanted to be like them.  Otherwise, it is actually quite challenging for some kids and it isn't worth the struggle to them (what do they really get out of doing it for themselves besides the satisfaction?  And if they aren't battling to be like older kids, what satisfaction is there, really?).

[luuknam]

The car seat thing is part of a bigger pattern...can't put on lace-free shoes, can't pull up/down pants, can't open easy doorknobs. She can't do any of it, and refuses to try. Her development is constantly marked by refusal to work on skills, and waiting until she's certain that she can do it easily.

 

Edit: i do adore her, and she has plenty of skills and talents. I just don't think the ability to struggle is one of them

 

I get that. I guess part of what I wanted to say (and ended up not typing out because it was getting too late) was that maybe you need to cut down on the number of things you'd want her to struggle with. Don't even ask her to try to do her car seat. Just do it for her for now. As for the other things, just pick a couple you want her to work on (that you're *sure* she would be able to master if she'd just try), and work on those while you do the rest for her. Then, once she masters those, work on a couple of the other ones. Etc.

 

For example, let's say you want her to work on her pants. Step one: make sure they're really easy. So, loose-fitting jogging pants kind of pants only. Step two: break it down into smaller parts. Maybe pull them up to her hips at first and let her finish pulling them up to her waist. When she gets better at it, let her pull them up from lower and lower. Step three: patience... lots of patience, along with some cheerleading if it seems helpful. Step four: praise her for her effort, even if the result isn't quite the desired result. If she spends a minute wrestling with her pants, praise her for trying, even if they ended up around her ankles rather than around her waist, and remind her that with practice, she'll get better.

 

If she gets to the point where she puts her pants on backwards, just smile and praise her for her effort and success (I wouldn't even point it out they're backwards, nor fix it... it's okay for little kids to wear pants etc backwards all over town). If my little perfectionist was upset about backwards pants, I might even wear my pants backwards for a day just to show him it's okay. :)

[MotherGoose]

If the potty is a problem, I'd take away the diapers and matter of factly let nature take its course.  She will figure it out quickly.  I have found that potty training is 90% about the parent being done with diapers and not going back, and 10% the child.  (In my experience with my two--I am sure there are extenuating circumstances).  A normal 3.5 year old will not allow urine to drip down her leg for too long.  You just have to be okay with a few messes, and not get upset about them, just calmly remind her that the potty is where we put our pee pee, and that you're a big girl and not wearing diapers, pull ups, etc--it's time for panties.  With both of mine, I had to be done with diapers and not willing to go back.  And I had to put up with a couple of wet beds too, because my youngest in particular held it until nap or bed time hoping for a diaper, and when she didn't get one wet the bed a couple of times.  But after those couple of times, she was done with it.  It was totally worth it to me instead of the pull up drama :)    Again, the biggest factor for your success is the calm attitude of "Oops, pee pee goes in the potty.  Let's clean this up."  And not micromanaging "Go sit on the potty.  Go try. Do you have to go?"  Just let nature take its course.  

[SeaConquest]

I would be surprised if most 3.5 year olds could properly put on/take off a car seat. For what it's worth, my 6 year old only recently started doing it himself. He also still frequently puts his clothes on backwards or inside out, and there's no way he'd be able to tie his own shoes. Perhaps, you may want to rethink your expectations.

[Runningmom80]

I have kids like this.  I don't mean this to come out cranky, but I think you might need to lower your expectations a tad. I would pick one thing at a time, and go incrementally.  I would pick what she's closest to mastering so she gets some confidence.  (I'm also not above bribery.  YMMV)

 

I'd probably try to prioritize the potty issue, (is it undoing pants, washing hands, that kind of thing?) because well, it seems the most pressing from what you've listed. 

 

 

As far as the getting dressed thing, it will come along.  Maybe start with one article of clothing, and you help with the rest. I let my DC's pick out their clothes and that is motivation to dress themselves. (Although for school they wear uniforms, so not as exciting.  We often threaten that we will drop them off in their pj's. I maybe shouldn't write a parenting book.)

 

The car seat thing has already been addressed, but my 4.5 year olds don't do it, and I prefer it that way.

 

FWIW, my 8 year old routinely puts his clothes on backwards and just learned to tie his shoes.  To quote someone on this board at one point, Asynchronicity can be a b*tch.

[Runningmom80]

I would be surprised if most 3.5 year olds could properly put on/take off a car seat. For what it's worth, my 6 year old only recently started doing it himself. He also still frequently puts his clothes on backwards or inside out, and there's no way he'd be able to tie his own shoes. Perhaps, you may want to rethink your expectations.

 

Ha!  I should have read more closely because I basically just repeated you.

[LaughingCat]

If the potty is a problem, I'd take away the diapers and matter of factly let nature take its course.  She will figure it out quickly.  I have found that potty training is 90% about the parent being done with diapers and not going back, and 10% the child.  (In my experience with my two--I am sure there are extenuating circumstances). 

 

My experience with my two is completely the opposite of this.  My older I didn't give a hang - I was happier with diapers than messes -- and she decided on her own that she was DONE with diapers and never had an accident after that.   My younger was forced into being done (due to caving to outside pressure :sigh:) -- and it was months of "nature taking it's course".  

 

 

You could practice strengthening her hands (it sounds like that is the key issue in most of the things you want her to do).  There are a lot of fun ways to do that - playing with pretty beads, tongs, perler beads, etc.  I'm sure you could look it up on pinterest and get a million things.

 

 

I completely agree with strengthening her hands.  Scissors,  seat belt, opening doors are all hand strength.  I would also look for scissor activities that are interesting to her.    And there are those 'little kids' scissors that are easier for little kids -- my younger needed those.  She started with these and worked up to these (and then to regular kids scissors)

[MEmama]

When I would get frustrated at things like that, I would ask myself if DS would still be refusing to do whatever was annoying me in the next five years. Five years, of course, is a ridiculous amount of time in a preschooler's life, which was exactly the point I wanted to make with myself. Calmed me down every time.:)

 

Gently, I agree with PP. Your child is so, so young. She will tie her laces, she will learn to buckle a seatbelt, she will learn to get dressed. You will not be sending her off to college without safety scissor skills. Likely she'll have them mastered by the time she's 5, or 7, or maybe 10 for the shoelaces (ahem). All of those are perfectly normal things for a 3 year old to not be doing independently, and will remain normal for many more years. She's three. She doesn't have learning problems; she can just work on only so many skills at once.

[bakpak]

The flip side of waiting for developmental readiness is that my DD never did anything dangerous, and that was a big plus! She always waited until she was completely sure she could handle whatever it was safely before trying it, and I assure you I never pushed it (sure, climb on that broken wall!). She also tended to not want to do difficult things like car seat buckling either, and I did hers for her a lot longer than some of her friends. I think it boils down to personality. She can be dogged about certain things, but gives up very easily at others. In hindsight my bugging her to do something early probably didn't help very much - she was ready when she was ready. It was more a matter learning to manage my own expectations. If anything, I've learned to trust her instincts and it's caused less strife for me. She gets there eventually. Being advanced cognitively doesn't equal advanced or even average physically.

[rwilk]

Thanks all for the advice.  FWIW I'm not really expecting much of her---pull up or down large pants, slip on or off crocks or open shoes (no laces or anything). Although I've already noticed some of what Tinker pointed out; my kid basically doesn't do anything dangerous. By the time she walked, her comprehension was good enough that she could understand danger. We never baby-proofed, or needed baby gates. It's just hard to be patient when she won't take any positive steps to learn skills until she decides she's ready. 

 

It's also been interesting to see the attitude difference between things she wants to learn, and things she doesn't.  She begs to do reading or puzzles---"just one more page, please mom!" But take off shoes? try the potty?  Tears at the mere suggestion of such things. I should make her a workbook for the new skills to convince her to do it :)

[bakpak]

Sticker charts or some other rewards system might be the way to go to get over some humps. I'd work on one thing at a time though :) And invite her in to be part of the process. Talk to her about how you'd like for her to be a big girl and ask her what skill she'd like to work on next,giving her some options. It might surprise you. And agree on how many stickers she has to earn to get the reward. My daughter has always set the standard much higher than I would :)  "Do you want to do it 8 or 10 times to get X?  No, I want to do it 20!"  Okay then!!

[fairfarmhand]

The car seat thing is part of a bigger pattern...can't put on lace-free shoes, can't pull up/down pants, can't open easy doorknobs. She can't do any of it, and refuses to try. Her development is constantly marked by refusal to work on skills, and waiting until she's certain that she can do it easily.

 

Edit: i do adore her, and she has plenty of skills and talents. I just don't think the ability to struggle is one of them

 

At 3 and a Half, that's completely normal. Get her some flip flops for the summer. Also, my kids skills in dressing themselves leapt hugely in the summer because of the ease of dressing. IOW lightweight shorts are easier than pants, flip flops are easier than pants. One of my dds wore dresses for a long time because she struggled with fine motor skills.

 

 

My oldest is a huge perfectionist. What helped her tons was taking piano lessons. Schooly stuff came easily, but there was a certain level of piano that you just can't get to without practice practice practice.

 

Be patient. At 3, this is all normal struggles. 3 is still a baby. She's still figuring out lots of stuff at 3. Having the emotional maturity to not be fabulous at everything comes with time. It's very normal for 3 yos to balk at all kinds of things for all kinds of reasons.

[Tsutsie]

Sounds pretty normal to me. Just like you, I fretted with about these things with my oldest child. When the younger one came around, I was so tired of fretting and worrying about these things and she just grew up and eventually did it all. 

 

Both my kids are perfectionists and we deal with these issues every day. I can only do the best I can, and take it one day at a time, while being understanding, encouraging and helpful without being overly involved.

 

Barring any developmental problems - she will easily pick these little things up as time goes and will "sort off" learn to deal with frustration better.

 

 

[Guest aliana04]

My daughter is the same way--she never wants to try anything until she's sure she can do it right the first time. Shoes took forever to figure out, and she still can't tie laces. She potty trained really late, but once she did, no accidents. Not one, not ever. She was always the cautious one on the playground, scared to try the big slides and the climbing structures. She does just fine now, though. She's just cautious and a perfectionist. The good news: I've never had to pull her out of a pond (like her brother), she never touched grills to see if they were hot (like her brother), etc. It can be frustrating, but it has its advantages. :-)