Lanny Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Only partly beside the point, but unless a custody order has been broken, they cannot stop a parent from leaving the country with the kids. The passport is the ticket out. It is terrifying but unfortunately I have called the airport and was repeatedly told I needed limitations in the court order. Otherwise DHS will not get involved. Yet getting that in a court order, signed, is easier said than done. I suspect what you wrote (above) is correct for people leaving the USA. That is very scary. If my wife were to send DD and me to FL or TX, she would need to sign special documentation or DD and I would still be inside the airport here when they "push back" the aircraft for departure. I have seen, on TV news (a cable channel from the USA) probably more than one story about a parent leaving the USA with children and it is a horrible problem for the parent who is left behind. I believe one story involved Brazil and it took a number of years to be resolved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brehon Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 umsami, I read your update, but won't quote just in case. Please hide your kids birth certificates & passports. I realize what he said, but minds change and you want to proactively protect your kids from being taken out of the country. I hope your lawyer is able to be a true advocate for you. Please don't forgo a full legal custody order and a support order just because of what he says right now. Again minds can change. Huge, tender hugs for you. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Mousie Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Contact would be too difficult for HIM?! :cursing: Umsami, I'm so sorry to hear of this painful and difficult turn of events. :grouphug: Wishing you strength, peace and wisdom as you move forward. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Umsami, please be careful about posting any of your concrete plans here. Your DH might be reading. Take in everyone's ideas but keep your own close to the vest. Move to PM or start a closed social group and be sure to log out when you're not on the computer. Change your password if it's something he knows or might be able to guess. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I am glad you have a lawyer. Get a FIRM custody order in place that allows you to go to your parents, move, relocate etc. You need FULL legal custody. Legal custody is different from physical custody. Let him know that if he thinks it will be too painful to talk to the kids, fine. But it is kinder to them to give one person, you full legal custody. If you don't have it they could be caught in a legal limbo. It doesn't mean he can't talk to them or see them or spend time with them. It is simply giving one person say over where they can go and what they can do. There will be no having to track him down to get permission to go to on a school trip in Canada, for example. It will save him trouble in the long run. I have had plenty of friend who split physical custody but had one parent have legal custody. It just makes things much easier. Otherwise both parents need to sign off on school records etc. I agree with this fully. It is what I have, I even have it in writing that I can get the passports and travel with the kids without needing his permission. With sole custody I could anyway but I had them put it in writing to be sure. Yes serving him will be next to impossible, BUT they will still grant you the divorce if they can show that they have done all they could to serve him. He can sign over custody to you even without the divorce final, that would allow for stability for the kids, and allow you to move etc without it being a problem. That's what I ended up doing. We had been split for 6 years, I finally just filed for custody, found out he had been living int he same city as us for years and never bothered to contact the kids. He signed off on the custody agreement and it was filed without any problems. That gave me sole custody (legal and physical) with specific stipulations to him having access to them (not out of our city without my written consent, no alcohol etc), we did not finalize the divorce until last summer after 13 years of separation, but I had full custody and had moved with my kids, they had been on trips to disneyland, etc without needing to worry about what he thought of it. It also allowed me to determine how to educate the kids, what meds to use for ds16 (ex doesn't believe ds has a mental illness), etc. I hate when parents use the no contact because it is too hard emotionally for them, like hello who gives a crap what is hard emotionally for them, the emotions of the kids and their wellbeing needs to come first. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Oh, Umsami, I'm so sorry to read this thread. I'm shocked on your behalf. I hope you use the wisdom of people on the boards who have been through similar situations. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Sending thoughts of peace and support :( 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelwydd Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Unsami, I hope you are able to get the help you need. (deleted the rest of this post for privacy concerns) 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elfknitter.# Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I'm very confused as to what's going on but I'm very sorry for what I do understand. Without knowing the exact situation, I still have to say I'm very angry for you. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiMi 4under3 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Oh my! I'm really sorry you are going through this! :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. A Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I don't have any advice, just :grouphug: and prayers. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I am very sorry for what you are going through. (((Hugs)))) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applethyme Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I have a lawyer. But reality is, if he does leave the country, collecting any sort of support will be difficult. (Especially where he says he is going.) He says he will try to send some money for the kids, if he can....but reality is, I will not be able to count anything. Even getting the divorce will be difficult unless he cooperates. After a year, I can file for divorce based on abandonment...but even "serving "him will be difficult. He thinks contacting the kids will be too difficult for him emotionally. We are planning to move closer to my parents, but whether or not I will be able to, will depend on the courts and how they view my "relocating." I have zero family here, but I have supportive friends. I know we'll get through this, but I'm just kind of in shock. Thanks for all of your kindness and advice. My goal right now is try and keep things as stable for the kids...with their friends, activities, etc. Has he left the state yet? Does he plan to in the near future? If he hasn't left yet, would he be willing to sign a letter saying you have his permission to leave the state and move in with your family? If any of those are true, then I would suggest moving in with your family as soon as is practical, and then when you have established residency there, filing for divorce in that state. Otherwise you could be stuck in your current state for quite some time while the process drags on. Also, some states require not only that the children are resident in the state where you file, but that they "intend to continue to reside there for the foreseeable future." If the judge knows you plan to move, he can dismiss the divorce petition and tell you to file where the children will reside. I recently went through a messy divorce where this was a difficult issue. Many many hugs to you and the kids. I've BTDT, and although at the time I couldn't imagine how I would survive it, I've finally come out the other side and honestly the kids and I are in a much better place now. A year ago I wouldn't have believed that was possible, but our home is so much more peaceful and less stressful now. You'll get through it, too. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 When I left my marriage, I moved back to my home state. No one can stop you from taking a "long vacation" to see your parents at this point, if no courts are involved. Something to consider. Establishing residency took six months in my home state before I could file for divorce. An attorney in your state can give you better specific advice, but I wanted to put this option out there in case you are reeling and unable to think clearly. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I suspect what you wrote (above) is correct for people leaving the USA. That is very scary. If my wife were to send DD and me to FL or TX, she would need to sign special documentation or DD and I would still be inside the airport here when they "push back" the aircraft for departure. I have seen, on TV news (a cable channel from the USA) probably more than one story about a parent leaving the USA with children and it is a horrible problem for the parent who is left behind. I believe one story involved Brazil and it took a number of years to be resolved. I know it is because I was in a situation similar to Umsami's, with two fewer children. I hope against hope that Umami's husband is in a desperate place but doesn't wish to harm Umsami or anyone. I hope that he dreams of making a difference elsewhere, of saving his family from his torment by leaving them, and will realize abroad what a fool he is--that we all have torment, that nobody alone can fight the forces that are destroying societies in many parts of the world, that fighting is not the answer, and that he can return home where he belongs and get help. I hoped that for my own ex-husband, but by the time he left, i was too far gone. Umsami, I am not religious but I will say a prayer tonight. I hope goodness is with you and please know you are NEVER alone. If the masjid in any way encouraged this behavior, I hope you can reach out to some of the ladies. Often the men will give the other men STUPID advice but the women are not in any way supportive of that. You're in my thoughts. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UmMusa Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 No practical advice. Just came in to offer my support. What a shock to read about it; I can't imagine going through it. But, wow, great advice here. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I really don't know. He says it is permanent and he will have no contact with the kids. I am hoping that is not the case. Oh, my, I am so sorry!!! (((hugs))) and much sympathy. That is so awful!!!! Your heart must be hurting. I have no practical advice, but I just would encourage you to be gentle with yourself and your children for at least a year. You are suffering a great trauma, and you will all benefit from gentleness, however you can find it. (Less perfection, more laughter, fewer rules, more snuggles. . . that sort of gentleness . . . which is always good for all of us!) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Umsami, thinking of you! Take it one day at a time, sometimes one hour. Just think of the next thing to do to get you through the day. Thank God you have supportive parents! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Thanks everybody. Off on vacation today (in state). Well deal with this more next week. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Please be safe. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I'm so sorry, umsami. :( Whatever you do, don't let him make you feel sorry for him. Be ruthless if you have to, but have your lawyer instruct you on how get your hands on every possible asset as soon as possible. I am usually in favor of splitting things fairly in a divorce, but if you are worried that he will leave you without financial support, do whatever it takes to get the most you can for yourself and your kids. Above all, get full legal custody of the kids while he is still here. Have your lawyer make that the number one priority. Also, if you have joint credit cards, call and cancel them immediately or he could run up the bills and leave you stuck with them when he leaves the country. I know this is a terrible time right now, but you are a smart and capable woman and you can get through this. In the end, you will be better off without him. Honestly, what you have told us about his story sounds like a big lie. If he loved the kids, he wouldn't be able to stand being away from them and not contacting them. I hate to ask this, but is he seeing someone else? Is he moving to a place where he has traveled often enough to have had a long term relationship there that you didn't know about? I don't mean to pry and you definitely don't have to answer, but from an outside perspective, it sounds like he is trying to gain some sympathy for what he is doing so you won't try to take him to the cleaners in a divorce. Please don't fall for it. Don't let him convince you that he is still your friend or that he is concerned about you or the kids in any way. Take care of yourself and your kids above all else. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I have no advice Umsami but just wanted to give you a virtual hug. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 :sad: I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Have there been any updates from umsami? I'm worried about her. :( 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Hopefully she will have a moment to come post but since I know people are concerned I will mention that she and the kids are o.k. for the moment. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Hopefully she will have a moment to come post but since I know people are concerned I will mention that she and the kids are o.k. for the moment. I'm glad to hear it. If you are in contact with her, please let her know she is in our thoughts. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Hopefully she will have a moment to come post but since I know people are concerned I will mention that she and the kids are o.k. for the moment. Thanks for the update -- I know she must be very busy, so I'm sure we will all understand if she doesn't post for a while. But if she needs anything, please let her know we are here for her. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoJosMom Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Just saw this thread. Adding my :grouphug: and a prayer for umsami and her children. And a :smash: for her husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinsomeCreek Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can offer some practical living issues since I am often alone with my 4, but what you're going through is so much harder than my sort of psuedo singleness. The most important thing is to have a break option. It sounds like you have parents that can help. That's huge. I've had babysitters, but my favorite back up is the gym. Find a YMCA or gym with child care. This serves as a reliable lifeline when you need to think, get business done, sometimes just read or eat junk food. But the gym presence means greater pressure to exercise- something important for good mental and physical health. This would be worthwhile even with your parents available. Look into parent's night out options all over town. Good places to check include YMCA, gyms, gaming stores, churches, schools, kid related centers. Pare down the household. Less stuff means less to clean. If you have storage room just box up a bunch of stuff and rotate what you keep in the house as useable. Stock up on healthy quick meal options. If you get healthier food you won't feel as guilty about the frequency of instant meal use. I love Trader Joes. Also teach the kids to cook and to store meals. My older two frequently help. That also helps cut down complaints about dinner. Keep paper/plastic place settings on hand. I'm an introvert so the social part is the hardest for me and I tend not to accept help. The reality is that a lot of people struggle. Take what help you have from friends and family, but try to keep the interactions positive as much as possible, especially since this may be long term. On the personal side, be gentle with yourself. When things seem most dire, go find some humor. Read funny things, watch comedies. I can't stress enough how much laughter is a mood shifter. Don't feel guilty about feeling good. If you won't do it for yourself, find happiness for your kids' sake. It can impact your physical health. Of course I don't know the back story, but I'm having trouble wrapping my head around your dh's desire to totally cut contact with his kids. Is this a self sacrifice thing or selfish thing? Regardless, please put your kids first, which means taking care of the mom who has to protect and care for them. If dad abandons them, they'll need you more than ever. ((Hugs)) and all the best to you 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Umsami--hope you are doing okay. You are in my prayers. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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