umsami Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 So an unexpected situation came up where i will most likely be a single parent to our four kids. DH will not be local to help in any way. Money will be tight, but parents have offered to help me make it through the summer until all four can be in school. I am not looking forward to no back-up, whatsoever. What tips/advice would you offer? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Welcome to my life haha. I have been a single parent since before my homeschooling days, though child #4 didn't arrive until after we began. My main tip/advice is to be flexible and be okay with good enough vs best. There is only so many hours in the day and eventually you will become as adept at turning each day into a 36 hour one as most other single parents are, there is a learning curve and it is hard no doubt about it. Access any and all supports you can while you get on your feet. You said your husband is not going to be local, so is this a temporary situation while he finds work and gets settled or is this is a separation with plans towards divorce? WHat you can access to help you out really depends on the answer to that question and whether you are a single mom or a pseudo-single mom (much like an army wife would be during deployment) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Will this be long term? If so, I'd start thinking about what I need to downsize and see what kind of help I could find. Maybe find another single mom to split a home with? One family lives upstairs, one downstairs. Eta: yeah, sorry. I'm probably not much help since I've never been through anything like this. Hugs to you and your family. Sorry you're going through this 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I am so sorry you are going through this. The first thing is 100% reliable, always-available emergency childcare. In my case, it's not somebody I could ever call for casual, unnecessary babysitting, but if I have a true emergency I can drop the kids off or have somebody drive them to her house. Every time. (I have true emergencies more often than normal b/c one of my children has a serious illness.) My person is an extended relative, but when DH left the state for work a friend also offered to fill this role if needed. When people ask, "What can I do," pick the best-of-the-best of them to be the emergency childcare. The next thing is respite care. If nothing else the YMCA has afterschool and dropoff programs. Set it up before you need it, so you have regular breaks, because when you neglect this you will NEEEEED a break, desperately, when you least expect it. Don't let it get to that point. Work breaks for yourself into the plan. Those are the first two I can think of. I know this will be a very useful thread, between the single parents, military spouses, and those of us whose spouses travel to other states or countries for work. You are not alone!!! And you're stronger than you know. The first weeks or even months might be bumpy but then it's also neat to see how kids rise to the occasion and become a little more self-contained, and helping each other. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I don't have anything useful, but :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Another Lynn Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 One thing that was huge for us when DH deployed was having regular family dinner dates with another family we were close to. When we had them to our house it gave us motivation to clean the house, and when they had us to theirs it was a wonderful thing to look forward to - a really relaxing evening and normal, social interaction for everyone with friends. It also really helped that we continued this when dh came home and we were adjusting to being a complete family again. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luckymama Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Oh man, just :grouphug: Those curve balls life throws at us suck. :grouphug: 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I have no advice, but I want you to know that I wish you the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 My dh has been home for only 5 months in two years. He is military so finances are fine and all, but not having a partner going through life with me hand-in-hand took some adjusting. I have been through several deployments and I will say that he first two weeks are always the hardest, and then being the sole caretaker becomes the new normal. It looks likes you plan to put them in school and work? When I worked during a deployment, it was really nice to be around other adults, but it did make scheduling difficult if a kid got sick or had an appointment. If your kids' doctors have evening or Saturday hours, I would try to take advantage of that. These last 2 years I have lived in a different state from family, but have been able to host their visits and get some of my medical stuff when they are here. Are you able to relocate closer to family? When I had a toddler it was such a help to have Grandma take them every other weekend. There are things I like about parenting alone. I get to make unilateral decisions, I can do what I want without judgment, I can serve sandwiches for dinner and everyone is happy. I can be by myself when the kids go to bed and read, watch a show, or whatever without having to compromise. I'm actually a better housekeeper when I'm not kind of expecting others to share tasks. I recommend joining a book club or Bunco group so you can count on regular ladies nights. I was a truly single parent when my oldest was little, and I went to college. I got enough financial aid to cover all of my expenses and childcare. In some ways life was much simpler back then. Best of luck to you! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emzhengjiu Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Being a single parent is tough but there are many of us who live that life successfully. As soon as you can begin to develop a support group of like-minded moms. When my girls were little, I was part of a babysitting exchange that even included taking and picking up kids from school and events. I had to put in time, but it was wonderful when I someone to keep my girls. Sick child care wasn't included though. I had some friends that I knew would watch my girls when they were sick, but since I worked from home it wasn't as much of an issue as it might be for you. Having no other adult to talk over major decisions has been hard for me. Thankfully, I now have a couple of trustworthy friends in similar situations when I need advice. I"m always tired, but I suspect many if not most of homeschooling moms are as well. Praying for you and for your family! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Permanently or for several months but he will return? This would change a few aspects in my opinion. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted March 29, 2015 Author Share Posted March 29, 2015 I really don't know. He says it is permanent and he will have no contact with the kids. I am hoping that is not the case. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luckymama Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I really don't know. He says it is permanent and he will have no contact with the kids. I am hoping that is not the case. I have no words to express how I feel about him right now. :grouphug: 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Wow, I'm sorry. That is a lot swallow right now, I'm sure. :grouphug: Do you plan on pursuing some support from him for the kids? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I really don't know. He says it is permanent and he will have no contact with the kids. I am hoping that is not the case. :grouphug: In this case I think the advice upthread is good. Put a support system together as best you can. Look for a job, perhaps flexible or part-time - or consider going back to finish a degree, work on the next degree if it would help with employment. He can't really just pack and leave you without financial support. I would definitely involve legal aid or an attorney. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Dh is an army reservist on his 4th year long deployment since our oldest was born (not quite 9 yrs ago). This one has been really really hard on me-much worse than others. For one thing, it was a complete surprise and also because we no longer live near family and unfortunately haven't been very good about cultivating a support network. The main thing I have learned is my sanity is worth something. I was so worried the first few months because our money was really tight and I had no one to help me. I never had a break. Then, I just decided to let the money worries go...my having a break was a bill to pay not a luxury. I have someone who watches the kids once a week for 4 hours. I try to make all my appointments when she is here. I have also been more intentional about meeting people. Now, I have some people around here who would definitely help in an emergency and one is even taking my oldest to baseball with her son. The biggest help for me was letting go how I thought my kids childhood should be and adjusting to the reality and trying to make the best of it. When I have been stressed out, we have eaten cereal for dinner and I have let them play the wii. Not my ideal, but much better than them dealing with a crying or yelling mom. I bribe them with chuck e cheese tokens. Again, not my ideal, but it makes grocery shopping much more bearable. Our situation is temporary. If it were permanent I would definitely do things differently. I see this more as a year to survive with my family intact. If they watch too much tv or eat too much junk food or live in a house that is never completely clean..it's ok for a while. I try really hard to still do fun things and give everyone something to look forward to. Honestly, I am really bitter about this whole situation. So, I guess that is my main advice. Take care of yourself and your emotional well being. If I would have been asked this question a few years ago, I could have been more helpful. I have some really sweet memories of his first couple deployments, so I know solo parenting can be great. I hope things work out well for you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawyer&Mom Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I really don't know. He says it is permanent and he will have no contact with the kids. I am hoping that is not the case. Contact or no, he has a duty to provide child support. I don't know where you are located but I'm sure there are local resources to help. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I'm sorry. I just saw your update that this may be permanent. You have gotten some good advice upthread. Please take care of yourself. One other thing, I have found that most people really do want to help. If you have a specific need that you think someone could meet, don't be afraid to ask. I have also found that people might not want to take all four of my kids as a favor to me, but they are willing to take one or two. I can't believe how much easier just having 2 or 3 of them is. I have a neighbor who has had my five year old over to play twice and it has been a huge break for me and also something he was super excited about. And my neighbor was happy that she was able to do something that was so helpful to me. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I'm sorry. Will be thinking of you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Are you OK? I mean, are you paralyzed in shock, or are you able to think clearly about seeking help and information in case there's something you should be doing to pursue your rights while there's still time? I don't want to be presumptuous. Not trying to be at all. I'm just saying we're here for you, you might have rights (or he might have obligations) that will be there even in an atypical situation, can we help you find resources... 21 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I'm really sorry :grouphug: . My suggestion would be to contact an attorney asap if that's an option where you are. I imagine you are emotionally thrown and an objective person with legal experience in your corner would be beneficial to you and your children. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ipsey Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I really don't know. He says it is permanent and he will have no contact with the kids. I am hoping that is not the case. So, so sorry! This is horrible--unless it's not. (Sometimes these cases can go either way.) I hope you have lots of loving friends and support. Rely on them for as long as you can. People who love you will want to be there for you and your children. Help yourself and work to keep you all healthy and secure for now. HUGHUG! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luckymama Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 You need a lawyer, like now. Can your parents help with the initial fee? Do you know the information for your family's finances? Bank/brokerage/credit card names, account numbers, statements, passwords, and so on? Insurance information---car, home/rental, health? Does he have any retirement accounts, either through work or from a former employer? I cannot vouch for this website, but you may find this a starting point http://research.lawyers.com/life-event-get-divorced.html 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwg Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 :grouphug: Please go to a lawyer. :grouphug: 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 <hugs> Is he able to easily leave the country? If so, I think it is even more important to contact an attorney first thing tomorrow. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I'm sorry :( 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brehon Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I'm very sorry. Are you in the US? If so, please see an attorney ASAP. And gather copies of all relevant financial and work documents (any pay stubs, cc statements, investments and rerirement accounts, etc). Protect yourself and your kids. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I hope you've already gotten a good attorney. Will be thinking of you and your family. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 <hugs> Is he able to easily leave the country? If so, I think it is even more important to contact an attorney first thing tomorrow. And maybe hide the children's passports, just in case. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Sending huge hugs, and thinking of you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Call a Family Practice Attorney Monday morning! If they require an up front fee, call Legal Aid Society. Call Child Protection or whatever it is called in your state, Family Services or something, and ask them to help you get Child Support, ASAP. Before I read the replies, I was going to suggest that you keep in touch via Skye Video calls. I cannot imagine a man not wanting to be in contact with his children. That is abandonment. Join Elance and see if there are ways there that you can make some money once you get settled into a routine. GL https://www.elance.com/ P.S. Do you have a joint bank account? Call your bank Monday morning, after you contact an attorney to see if there are funds in it. P.P.S. IMHO he is a creep. That is the worst I can say here on a family oriented web site. That is very mild... 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I really don't know. He says it is permanent and he will have no contact with the kids. I am hoping that is not the case. Oh goodness, I'm so sorry. I have no concrete suggestions, but I will be sending supporting thoughts and wishes your way. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I really don't know. He says it is permanent and he will have no contact with the kids. I am hoping that is not the case. (((hugs))) :( I am so, so sorry. Please rally any supportive people around you that you can who are local and near enough to help. People will help you in this situation. I have a friend whose dh left her with 7 kids ranging in age from 12 - an infant. She moved in her sister to help with child care and bills. She is doing very well. I am so sorry, mama. (((hugs))) What can we do for you? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 So sorry to hear that. I thought I posted but apparently not. My ex did a back-and-forth thing for awhile saying things like that. "I'll never bother you again!" Etc. It was incredibly stressful. The hard part was not being single, but not knowing. When I filed for divorce (the only way to guarantee that my kids would have access to the services that I'd need as a single parent, whether that be child support through the court, or social services), it was a relief. I certainly hope it does not come to that but please take seriously everyone's points about documentation. Get a personal bank account now if possible, get a lawyer. As for single parenting, I have a ton of tips, but the #1 thing is that if you have loving parents--not perfect, but loving, now is the time to go to them. They can help so much with the kids. I moved back near my mom and it saved my sanity. My mom isn't perfect. Nobody is. But I could leave the kids with her at times. :grouphug: I felt like my heart had been ripped out of me and that it would never grow back. I can't imagine how you feel with four little ones right now. The game he's playing is sick and unforgivable--still, I hope for the kids' sake he comes to his senses forever. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Another Lynn Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I really don't know. He says it is permanent and he will have no contact with the kids. I am hoping that is not the case. I'm so sorry! :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Please know my thoughts are with you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 If he is as selfish as he sounds from just this bit of information, then maybe this will eventually be the best thing. When my oldest dd was 2 months old her father cut ties and I was on my own. As hard as it was (and it was harder emotionally than anything else) it really has turned out to be a wonderful thing that our daughter wasn't raised with him and his dysfunction. Have courage that your children can have a better life with one stable parent! If you are heading towards divorce, might want to talk with an attorney before you start working if you haven't worked in a while. It can affect how much spousal support he must provide. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I have zero advice. Just (((hugs))) and the knowledge that you are in our thoughts and prayers. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: You are in my thoughts. I have no advice. I go to pieces even when DH is away for a month. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 No advice, but... :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethel Mertz Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 So, so sorry, Umsami. Definitely get a lawyer as soon as possible. And check the bank account(s) as previous posters have said. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawyer&Mom Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 . When I filed for divorce (the only way to guarantee that my kids would have access to the services that I'd need as a single parent, whether that be child support through the court, or social services), it was a relief. . This is so not my area of the law, but according to the internet you can get a temporary child support order before you separate or divorce. http://info.legalzoom.com/can-child-support-im-not-divorced-yet-23933.html 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Sending up prayer for you, Umsami. My heart aches for you, and I wish you every kind of strength and support as you go forward. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 The thoughts going through my head right now, concerning him, are not very Christian, so I'll not comment there. Please let us know if you need anything. You are such a blessing to so many here, and I know I'm not alone in wanting you to know that if we can help in any way... please, just know we're here. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I really don't know. He says it is permanent and he will have no contact with the kids. I am hoping that is not the case. I'm so very sorry to see this. I had hoped that with the OP it was some kind of job situation...I'm very sorry it isn't. No advice, but I wanted to give you :grouphug: 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Insertcreativenamehere Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I'm so sorry to hear this and wish you strength and peace. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomtoCandJ Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Hugs and prayers. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 :grouphug: Many hugs :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.