Surprise pregnancy at 40

[freesia]

I had my youngest at 41. All is well. I had no more pregnancy issues than at 33 ( I don't do pregnancy well). She was fairly easy and I was much more relaxed.

 

It will be okay--really!

[ktgrok]

Just wanted to say that the hospital I had my first at, a c-section, had no nursery but the nurses still took him for a few hours at night so I could sleep. He was fine. 

[MotherGoose]

I understand that my surprise shouldnt really be such...and maybe it isn't really. I know that not avoiding is the same as trying. What I mean is that there was no plan, no timed anything, just, we'll see what happens. Due to my age and some other issues with DH and all the things you hear about declining fertility as you age, I had nearly decided it was impossible. It's not like I'm 20 or something 😉

[momacacia]

Thank you for this thread. My 2-year-old was my 40th birthday present and thus far he is my smartest and possibly most musically talented (shhh, don't tell the olders--I think they helped him get that way ;)). We are expecting unexpected and TTA #4 in now that I'm 42. The plan was for me to get in shape and not be so frumpy. ROFL. Obviously we didn't choose the most effective form of bc.

 

But, my DH and firstborn are especially excited and I know I will grow to be as baby grows and then arrives. I do pregnancy and birth very easily, it's just the next 20 years that make me want to faint with fatigue!! :-/

 

Anyway, thank you OP for being honest and others for sharing your old lady pregnancy stories. Lol. I don't look as old as I am, so that's a good thing. ;)

[TammyS]

I  was 32 at my last pregnancy, which isn't as old as you are now, but it was the first in 12 years.  And my dh was just like yours (it literally took 45 minutes between the time he found out and the time he told people).

 

Everything worked out in the end, but if I had to do it over, here's what I'd do:

 

1. Not tell dh until I was so big it was impossible to hide

2. Swear him to secrecy until the child in question was in college

 

Ok, that was hyperbole, but seriously, you have a right to withhold this information until you've wrapped your head around it and are ready.  I know lots of women who never tell anyone until the 2nd trimester.  Please, I beg you, for your mental health, give yourself as much time as it takes to get your head around this before you invite other people to share your joy (because first you have to find it).

 

Also, I would have exercised more during that pregnancy.  Preggers in your 30s is way different than at 20.

[TammyS]

Here's a piece of good news for you about having a child after a big age gap:

 

You are going to like your older kids so much better.  My son was 12 when the baby was born.  His 13th year, he was an awful kid.  Seriously, awful.  Except, he was a WONDERFUL brother.  Always, always wanted to hold and rock the baby.  Always patient, always happy to see him.  He happily changed as many (cloth) diapers as I did.

 

It was such a blessing to me to be able to see him be a good person to this little baby, and helped remind me that there was a good and kind soul under all of that awfulness.

[gardenmom5]

Quill, on 02 Mar 2015 - 5:46 PM, said:

I was going to say this, but I didn't want to brow-beat her. I mean, I get it still feels surprising, but unless you no longer have a uterus or something similar, not preventing is still accepting the probability that biology will work, especially since it apparently already has previously.

probability should be possibility. 

 

for some of us . . . secondary infertility is more common than primary infertility.  I had NO problem conceiving my first child (like the first month). #3 I used fertility drugs for several months after a year of nothing. 

 

for dudeling - I didn't use anything for over nine years . . .  I was in my 40's, I was experiencing perimenopause symptoms, my health wasn't the best . . .  while we were open to the possibility - I'd given up and didn't think anything would happen.  so psychologically it was more a matter of (lack of) bc doesn't matter.

 

so yes, I was shocked to be pg even though I didn't use anything. 

 

I have a friend who did the same thing.  two kids - lots of testing why she couldn't have anymore. several years later, she was surprised to find out she was pg.

[MotherGoose]

Thankfully DH hasn't told anyone.  We waited till 12 weeks with the others and may wait longer with this one.  I'm thankful I won't have to go through any holidays pregnant and all the craziness that entails (although doing it with a newborn might be even less fun...)

 

I  was 32 at my last pregnancy, which isn't as old as you are now, but it was the first in 12 years.  And my dh was just like yours (it literally took 45 minutes between the time he found out and the time he told people).

 

Everything worked out in the end, but if I had to do it over, here's what I'd do:

 

1. Not tell dh until I was so big it was impossible to hide

2. Swear him to secrecy until the child in question was in college

 

Ok, that was hyperbole, but seriously, you have a right to withhold this information until you've wrapped your head around it and are ready.  I know lots of women who never tell anyone until the 2nd trimester.  Please, I beg you, for your mental health, give yourself as much time as it takes to get your head around this before you invite other people to share your joy (because first you have to find it).

 

Also, I would have exercised more during that pregnancy.  Preggers in your 30s is way different than at 20.

 

[TammyS]

Thankfully DH hasn't told anyone.  We waited till 12 weeks with the others and may wait longer with this one.  I'm thankful I won't have to go through any holidays pregnant and all the craziness that entails (although doing it with a newborn might be even less fun...)

 

Actually, holidays with newborns is great.  They are the perfect excuse for everything.  Feeling tired?  "I've got to go lay down and nurse the baby to sleep"  Sick of the Christmas party (and the inlaws?), "We have to go, this one has a set bed time" 

 

Whatever you don't feel like dealing with, the baby is the perfect excuse to opt-out.

[momacacia]

Yes, I love the baby excuses. I stay home from church a LOT so 2yo can get his morning nap (and I sit in my quiet house or make lunch in peace or read :)). You can even completely skip in-law Christmas travel with a late November baby or an early January. It rocks! I might even skip the long Christmas drive with 3 kids and a September baby. :)

[Maus]

My last was born on my 44th birthday.  I figure I'll be able to use my Social Security checks to pay her college expenses...  ;)   (Well, not quite, but I'll be old enough to take early retirement as I'll be 62.)

 

The statistics on birth defects are far less scary if you "reverse" them.  For instance, you are three times more likely to have a baby with Down's, which sounds scary, but when you really look at that, the chance of a younger mother having a Down's baby is 1%.  So an older mother has a 3% chance.  Reversed, you have a 97% chance of having perfectly fine baby.  Odds you'd take to Las Vegas, as my OB was quick to tell me!

 

My older two were seven and five, so we had a gap.  Not a huge one.  It was a helpful gap, really.  The "big kids" were just old enough to be helpful, and not old enough to have an attitude about it.  

 

The pregnancy went really well until the last month, when I began developing pre-eclampsia and was put on modified bed rest.  We cut back on homeschooling some then, but still did a lot of reading.  And then missed about a month as I recovered from the C-section.  They were K and 1st grade, so no biggie.  The bigger challenge was when the little one became mobile, because she wasn't a napper.  We did a lot of school down on the living room floor, so she felt included and could be supervised.

 

Now that she's five and ready for school herself, the older two are just shifting into semi-independent work. ("I want you to do math now.  Read the textbook.  Do three pages in the workbook.  Bring it to me if you have questions.")  It's working pretty well!

 

She is an amazingly (and sometimes frustratingly) independent little thing herself.  It doesn't occur to her that she can't make her own sandwich, because the big kids do.  If she spills, she's better at cleaning it up than my ten year old is.  I think it's because of the gap.

 

And I'm actually beginning to have a life again, as my oldest is now "legal" to babysit in our state.  (Though there is no specific age limit here on babysitting siblings anyway.  He can now legally babysit other people's kids, for money, according to the law.)  It's awesome!  I can grocery shop ALL BY MYSELF (which actually saves a lot of money), or get out to exercise, or attend a lecture, or a movie with DH, or whatever I want!

 

 

[trulycrabby]

Congratulations! :)

 

DH and decided to "see what happens" when I was 40. Two weeks later, I was pregnant with DS11. :o

 

The actual pregnancy was harder with advanced maternal age than with DS21 when I was 30. My advice is to stay as fit as you possibly can throughout the pregnancy.

[Ewe Mama]

MotherGoose,

 

I am totally jealous! May everything go wonderfully for you and your family!

[Scarlett]

Congrats. What a blessing. Mixed feelings are normal.

[RootAnn]

My mom was 40 when she had me & almost 43 when she had my little brother. We were #4 & #5. None of us were ever breast fed. Can't speak for my sweet baby bro, but I sure turned out fine. ('Course, my mom calls me "earth mother" because I homeschool, make my own bread, and breast fed my own kids. I'm so un-crunchy compared to my real crunchy friends that they laugh hysterically at this.) 

 

The saddest thing is not knowing your grandparents if your family doesn't have a lot of longevity. I only knew half my grandparents (both of my dad's parents). My kids will probably only remember half of their grandparents (my mom, dh's dad).

 

Congrats on the little one. You will have some great built-in help & babysitters with this one. :-)

[scoutingmom]

The saddest thing is not knowing your grandparents if your family doesn't have a lot of longevity. I only knew half my grandparents (both of my dad's parents). My kids will probably only remember half of their grandparents (my mom, dh's dad).

 

Congrats on the little one. You will have some great built-in help & babysitters with this one. :-)

True enough - my kids only know one set of grandparents - and that happens to be at a distance. And their cousins are all adults.

 

But they do happen to have 2 nephews and a neice in the same age range....

[trlt]

Regarding the hospital: 

 

I had a baby 8 months ago and the hospital let me send him to the nursery anytime I needed time to rest.  I had a c-section so he also stayed in the nursery at night, because that's what I preferred.  It was nice to be able to recover the way I felt was best for me.  I nursed but that was my preference.  However, my SIL had a baby in the last few months at a different hospital and that hospital did not even have a nursery.  Really.  She had a c-section and did not have anywhere for the baby to go if she needed to rest.  A few hours after my nephew was born she was left ALONE with the baby in her room while her DH took MIL home.  It was maybe 1/2 hour max but she was drugged up and had a c-section.  I would have been miserable there.

 

My point isn't to scare you but rather tell you to research the hospitals that you would like to deliver and make sure that they allow babies to go in the nursery, etc.  

[Guest]

Definitely research the hospitals. Every one I have been to has had a nursery and the nurses offer to take the baby at night (or any time you need to rest).  Normally I decline, but one night I said yes when they offered because I was really tired and I wasn't sleeping  (I was just watching the baby sleep in his bassinet, too worried to sleep).  She promised to bring him back as soon as he woke up so I could feed him, and she really did.  I got a couple of hours sleep like I needed.  They absolutely do not mind taking the babies to the nursery.  You should not feel bad about utilizing that... that is what they are for.

 

Also, my dad is 65 years old and has a 13 and 11-year-old.  He is probably more tired then when he had his first three kids at a younger age, but he loves them and is glad he has them.  You will be just fine!  Don't feel bad about not liking the pregnancy... pregnancy is tiring!  The newborn sleepless stage only lasts a little while.  

[Guest]

probability should be possibility.

 

for some of us . . . secondary infertility is more common than primary infertility. I had NO problem conceiving my first child (like the first month). #3 I used fertility drugs for several months after a year of nothing.

 

for dudeling - I didn't use anything for over nine years . . . I was in my 40's, I was experiencing perimenopause symptoms, my health wasn't the best . . . while we were open to the possibility - I'd given up and didn't think anything would happen. so psychologically it was more a matter of (lack of) bc doesn't matter.

 

so yes, I was shocked to be pg even though I didn't use anything.

 

I have a friend who did the same thing. two kids - lots of testing why she couldn't have anymore. several years later, she was surprised to find out she was pg.

I understand that...I have underwhelming fertility to my record as well and have gone years and years without b/c, but not getting pg. So I get it. But the fact of biology is that is is still possible until it is absolutely no longer possible. So if is really important to a given person to not have a baby/another baby, that person ought not to deny the possibility for as long as it exists.

 

I would be totally astonished if I turned up pg now, but I do know it ain't over until the fat lady sings.

[MedicMom]

Regarding the hospital:

 

I had a baby 8 months ago and the hospital let me send him to the nursery anytime I needed time to rest. I had a c-section so he also stayed in the nursery at night, because that's what I preferred. It was nice to be able to recover the way I felt was best for me. I nursed but that was my preference. However, my SIL had a baby in the last few months at a different hospital and that hospital did not even have a nursery. Really. She had a c-section and did not have anywhere for the baby to go if she needed to rest. A few hours after my nephew was born she was left ALONE with the baby in her room while her DH took MIL home. It was maybe 1/2 hour max but she was drugged up and had a c-section. I would have been miserable there.

 

My point isn't to scare you but rather tell you to research the hospitals that you would like to deliver and make sure that they allow babies to go in the nursery, etc.

Only one hospital in a two hour radius of me even has a nursery. The move in maternity care is away from nurseries. I had my husband with me both times and he took care of the baby after my c section. I think if I had no one the nurses might have taken the baby out to the nurses station to give me a little rest, but a nursery for a healthy baby is no longer the norm.

[JessReplanted]

:grouphug:  & Congratulations!

 

You have a lot of questions, and that's normal. Try to take it one day at a time. It will be hard, and it will be wonderful too.

You can do this. This baby will be a blessing to the whole family.

[gardenmom5]

MedicMom, on 04 Mar 2015 - 5:26 PM, said:

Only one hospital in a two hour radius of me even has a nursery. The move in maternity care is away from nurseries. I had my husband with me both times and he took care of the baby after my c section. I think if I had no one the nurses might have taken the baby out to the nurses station to give me a little rest, but a nursery for a healthy baby is no longer the norm.

they may not have the nursery for healthy babies that visitors can look through the window (mine didn't) we're familiar with - but even those kind do have facilities for babies.   if a baby needs more than standard care, they don't just leave it with mom.

[maize]

One of mine was born in a hospital without a nursery (small hospital) they took him to the nurses' station and watched him there so I could get some sleep at night.

[FloridaLisa]

Had my last at 42.  She's a blessing, not just to me but to all of us. She has such a special relationship with her older brothers and sisters. Just today, my older dd, home for spring break, took my youngest two out for a day of fun.  They were so excited to go and she loves being with them. The blessing of your child will be exponential. And my parents, they have thoroughly enjoyed my youngest two because my dad is retired (he was still working when my olders were little) and he and my mom have just mellowed to such a point that being with these two littles invigorates them. 

 

Physically, my last pregnancy was the easiest of all.

 

Congratulations. I imagine you will have to process the shock but I hope it becomes a thrill for you. :)

 

Lisa

[FloridaLisa]

Had my last at 42.  She's a blessing, not just to me but to all of us. She has such a special relationship with her older brothers and sisters. Just today, my older dd, home for spring break, took my youngest two out for a day of fun.  They were so excited to go and she loves being with them. The blessing of your child will be exponential. And my parents, they have thoroughly enjoyed my youngest two because my dad is retired (he was still working when my olders were little) and he and my mom have just mellowed to such a point that being with these two littles invigorates them. 

 

Physically, my last pregnancy was the easiest of all.

 

Congratulations. I imagine you will have to process the shock but I hope it becomes a thrill for you. :)

 

Lisa

[ktgrok]

One of mine was born in a hospital without a nursery (small hospital) they took him to the nurses' station and watched him there so I could get some sleep at night.

 

That's exactly what mine did. I was breastfeeding, so they did bring him to me when he woke up hungry, but that still meant several hours of sleep for me. Or, it would have, if they pain meds didn't have an opposite effect on me and make me wired and jittery. (or, come to think of it, that might just be what birth does to me, I've done that with all three kids and the last two were at home, no meds).

[gracesteacher]

40 pregnant with a complete surprise as I was told I couldn't have any more. every thing is going very good here still working. 48hrs overnight. luckily most people can't tell I am pregnant so no unwanted advice or touching. Dr is very supportive and this pregnancy is already easier that. the one in my early 30s

[Spryte]

Our youngest was born in a hospital without a nursery (of course there was a NICU, but I'm talking about healthy babies). The nurses could take the baby to the nurses' station for a few hours. Depending on the nurse, this was openly frowned upon, met with quiet disapproval, or offered generously. Personally, I think having a nursery option for moms who need to rest and recover - and be able to go home and care for baby and other kids - makes sense.

 

I would visit several hospitals, if it's possible to choose.

 

Congrats!

[Lady Florida.]

I only have one, so my challenges were very different. I had unexplained infertility and we tried as many things as insurance would cover (they would not go as far as in vitro). We figured it wasn't going to happen and therefore took no precautions. Surprise! Ds was born 8 weeks before I turned 42.

 

I was scared, but excited. My situation is different in that I only had a grown stepson and desperately wanted a biological child. I refused amnio but did go for a level 2 ultrasound (tests are probably much more advanced than they were 17 years ago). 

 

It was difficult at times. Sometimes he kept me young. Other times I really felt what it was like to be an older mom. Since we tend to befriend people with whom we have things in common (age of kids and homeschooling in this case), I'm the oldest in my group of friends. Sometimes it doesn't matter. Other times it feels weird.

 

Ds will turn 18 this year and I'll turn 60. His homeschooling is pretty much over so that's not an issue anymore. I think the biggest thing is that dh probably could have retired already (he'll be 62) if we didn't still have a kid at home. 

 

My pregnancy was pretty easy both for a first, and for my age. Delivery was easy too. I'm aware that I was fortunate in both cases.

 

I don't know if this helps you. As I said it was something I very much wanted, so after having resigned myself to the fact that it would never happen it was a very pleasant surprise for me. 

[Guest2]

Yay! I am in the BTDT group. I think there are often mixed feelings when you leave the decision up to God. There is a reason pregnancy lasts 9 (10) months..time to get used and excited about the new addition. Totally normal. When people weren't controlling fertility in the old days ...very common.

[MedicMom]

they may not have the nursery for healthy babies that visitors can look through the window (mine didn't) we're familiar with - but even those kind do have facilities for babies. if a baby needs more than standard care, they don't just leave it with mom.

The hospital I had my first two at had a small room off to the side that a baby in distress would be placed in and receive care until the NICU team arrived. Any baby that could not stay in the room with mom is transported to the regional NICU.

 

The hospital I am having this baby at is the same way. My company provides NICU transport service for a two hour radius, so I've gotten to see a lot of maternity wards. The small room to the side seems to be pretty standard. But I am in an area that is moving very much towards a very hands off style of maternity care.