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What can I do to help my friend? Unfaithful spouse.


8circles
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Update (post #185)

I haven't spoken to her in over a week. She wasn't doing well when last we spoke. I think she's still in denial. She went forward with the plan to fly out of state for a job interview for him this weekend. She is my friend and also my neighbor and I think that may complicate her confiding in me a bit. She seemed to be avoiding me a bit this week and i don't want to veer out of friend territory into nosy neighbor territory so I've tried to give her space while also being available. 

The last I spoke to her, she was hoping he'd get a job out of state and she would stay behind with the kids to sell the house, then she would just change her mind and not follow him but he'd be gone. She's desperate and in denial and just in a lot of pain.

 

************************************ original post below ******************

 

Yes, this sounds crazy & made up.  I promise it isn't.  

 

A friend of mine has been going through some marital strife for a while now.  A few weeks ago she found out her dh has been unfaithful.  They were going to relocate & try to start fresh.  He now wants my friend to accept this woman (& her child) as part of their family and live together happily.

 

I think it sounds like he's having some kind of brain malfunction.  This isn't something people do, is it?  I'm actually not opposed to these scenarios outright when all adults are consenting and eyes are wide open from the get go.  This is different.

 

I think my friend is partly in denial, mostly horrified and hurt etc.  

 

What can I do to help besides just listen?  I'm heartbroken on her behalf.  I feel sick.

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Suggest she seeks therapy for herself in order to ensure she has an impartial person to talk to her about the things her dh is proposing and that she doesn't get manipulated into doing something she doesn't actually want. Also suggest therapy as a couple to help them get through this in a healthy way for everyone, whatever that ends up being.

 

 

I know arrangements like this exist and work but I've never heard of one that sprung from infidelity. That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen

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Suggest she seeks therapy for herself in order to ensure she has an impartial person to talk to her about the things her dh is proposing and that she doesn't get manipulated into doing something she doesn't actually want. Also suggest therapy as a couple to help them get through this in a healthy way for everyone, whatever that ends up being.

 

 

I know arrangements like this exist and work but I've never heard of one that sprung from infidelity. That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen

 

I did ask if she had a therapist to talk to about it (I know she has seen one before).  She said she had tried getting an appointment but it was over a month wait.  I suggested my therapist as an option - I'm pretty sure she could get in there within a week.  He has always refused therapy in the past so I doubt he'd go now.  He seems to think he's the one being reasonable and she isn't.

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There certainly are happy polyamorous families around doing well.  But it's where everyone is on the same page with it from the beginning.  Doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic to me

 

Yes.  And I didn't want to come across as criticizing those arrangements.  I think they can work for many people.  I happen to love the Sister Wives show - but they all chose that.  My friend has not.

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Get her to talk to an attorney about the implications of relocating. Selling house, liquidating assets... Heck no don't leave the state willingly!

Thank you for this.  I am clueless about this kind of stuff.  Can you give me the cliff notes on why this is a bad idea?  She is trying to avoid divorce at almost all cost and I know she will not be happy if I suggest an attorney.

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This blog has a lot of great ideas and support.  She is very pro marriage but also pro standing up for yourself and protecting yourself and the kids.  Blogger is a Christian.  http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/

 

I suggest she see a lawyer or legal aid ASAP and for her NOT to leave, move, sell the house, etc.  Does her church offer counseling?  I know our church has an on staff counselor and will refer others on (and pay for 4 sessions) if needed.

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8circles, on 26 Feb 2015 - 5:39 PM, said:

I did ask if she had a therapist to talk to about it (I know she has seen one before).  She said she had tried getting an appointment but it was over a month wait.  I suggested my therapist as an option - I'm pretty sure she could get in there within a week.  He has always refused therapy in the past so I doubt he'd go now.  He seems to think he's the one being reasonable and she isn't.

 

all the more reason why she NEEDS to seek therapy for herself.

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This blog has a lot of great ideas and support.  She is very pro marriage but also pro standing up for yourself and protecting yourself and the kids.  Blogger is a Christian.  http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/

 

I suggest she see a lawyer or legal aid ASAP and for her NOT to leave, move, sell the house, etc.  Does her church offer counseling?  I know our church has an on staff counselor and will refer others on (and pay for 4 sessions) if needed.

 

Thank you.  I'll look at that site.

 

Can you tell me why moving is such a bad idea?  

 

I did suggest talking to someone through her parish (she said talking to her priest wasn't going to happen) so she will look into that.

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8circles, on 26 Feb 2015 - 5:46 PM, said:

Thank you for this.  I am clueless about this kind of stuff.  Can you give me the cliff notes on why this is a bad idea?  She is trying to avoid divorce at almost all cost and I know she will not be happy if I suggest an attorney.

 

that is a recipe for disaster in this situation.  she can end up in even worse position.  HER KIDS will be in an even worse position - and she NEEDS to think about THEM.

 

if they relocate - if THREE names are on the next house, or just his (or bank accounts) - she will be screwed and really up a creek if she does decide getting out of dodge really is what is best for her kids.  everything could be liquidated and he could abandon her leaving her with nothing as assets would all be liquid and easily moved.

 

if she stays in their current house, if she refuses to move (and get's the advice of a good divorce lawyer) - she has more power to protect her kids - and she needs to think of THEM FIRST.

 

she needs to be realistic that some things really are that unacceptable and should NOT be tolerated. given what he claims he has already done, and is asking her to do = he doesn't respect her.  given he doesn't respect her = he doesn't respect his vows.  he doesn't respect his vows = he is NOT trustworthy.  she cannot (and should not) count on him to consider THEIR CHILDREN.  (is the other woman's child HIS?)

 

the other woman is also an idiot to think he wont' do to her, what he has done to his legal wife.  (does she know about the legal wife?  she can't take his word for it.  he is a proven liar.)

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that is a recipe for disaster in this situation.  she can end up in even worse position.  HER KIDS will be in an even worse position - and she NEEDS to think about THEM.

 

if they relocate - if THREE names are on the next house, or just his (or bank accounts) - she will be screwed and really up a creek if she does decide getting out of dodge really is what is best for her kids.  everything could be liquidated and he could abandon her leaving her with nothing as assets would all be liquid and easily moved.

 

if she stays in their current house, if she refuses to move (and get's the advice of a good divorce lawyer) - she has more power to protect her kids - and she needs to think of THEM FIRST.

 

she needs to be realistic that some things really are that unacceptable and should NOT be tolerated. given what he claims he has already done, and is asking her to do = he doesn't respect her.  given he doesn't respect her = he doesn't respect his vows.  he doesn't respect his vows = he is NOT trustworthy.  she cannot (and should not) count on him to consider THEIR CHILDREN.  (is the other woman's child HIS?)

 

the other woman is also an idiot to think he wont' do to her, what he has done to his legal wife.  (does she know about the legal wife?  she can't take his word for it.  he is a proven liar.)

 

Thank you.  Yes, I need it spelled out very clearly for me so I can say it properly to her.  

 

I think that in her mind, she is thinking about the kids first, but I don't think she has allowed herself to think about the legal ramifications yet.  

 

I agree that he doesn't respect her.  The other woman's child is not his.  She does know about my friend being the wife.  They have met - her DH "arranged" for them to be out together (just the 3 of them).  Other woman is wanting the arrangement to work and is almost bullying my friend into agreeing.  She is divorced and the father of her child has children by several other women.

 

I think my friend honestly feels like she's in the twilight zone and doesn't know how she got there.

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They are Catholic. 

 

She needs to talk to a priest immediately if not sooner.

 

There is no way on God's green earth that she should comply with a such a crazy, sick request from her husband. The very idea that she should in any way accept another woman is outrageous. He has been adulterous and he has no reason whatsoever to expect her to accept that behavior.

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I did ask if she had a therapist to talk to about it (I know she has seen one before).  She said she had tried getting an appointment but it was over a month wait.  I suggested my therapist as an option - I'm pretty sure she could get in there within a week.  He has always refused therapy in the past so I doubt he'd go now.  He seems to think he's the one being reasonable and she isn't.

Bolding mine.

 

My friend went through this a couple of years ago. Her dh thought they would all live happily ever after together. He loved my friend's mind, spirit, and life long friendship and the other woman's free sexuality. My friend's children were in early college years. Her dh thought the three of them would have more children together. He blamed my friend for getting heavier (NOT!) and for not being wildly sexual enough for him. He had a TON of excuses and reasons--none of which made much sense at all.

It was a mess for a very long time.

A very long time.

 

My friend stuck it out. She loved him and even though he wasn't thinking with his brain she kept working on and with him. She went to therapy, he constantly refused. At one late point she said go to the therapist or we are done and I will take you for all you have. I think he went a time or two and finally got his head back on straight.

 

Today you wouldn't know anything was ever wrong with their marriage.

 

I listened a lot. I listened more. I told my friend I would honor any decision she made and spent quite a bit of time with her--doing regular things.

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She needs to talk to a priest immediately if not sooner.

 

There is no way on God's green earth that she should comply with a such a crazy, sick request from her husband. The very idea that she should in any way accept another woman is outrageous. He has been adulterous and he has no reason whatsoever to expect her to accept that behavior.

 

I suggested this.  She said there was no way she would talk to her priest about this.  She said he would think she was making it up.  I suggested she look into counseling through her parish.

 

She doesn't want to comply with his request.  I think she suspects he's having some kind of psychotic break or something.  She doesn't believe that the real "he" would truly be doing this to her.

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Thank you.  I'll look at that site.

 

Can you tell me why moving is such a bad idea?  

 

I did suggest talking to someone through her parish (she said talking to her priest wasn't going to happen) so she will look into that.

 

There are huge implications if she moves, especially to another state. If this should end in divorce, they will be subject to the laws of the state where they reside at the time they file for divorce. Not only can this have huge financial implications for division of assets, alimony, child support, etc, but she may find herself "stuck" in whatever state (or even county!) they are residing in at the time of the divorce. Generally speaking, courts almost always award joint custody and you cannot move away from your former spouse without permission from the court.

 

No matter what your friend believes about divorce, she needs to gather all legal documents (especially the children's birth certificates, ss cards, and passports if they possess them). If they are selling their home, then she needs to put the brakes on that. She should not sign any closing papers or really any legal documents of any kind. She needs to consult with a lawyer. Under no circumstances should she leave the state with her husband or allow the children to leave the state with him (not even to visit family). Consulting a lawyer doesn't mean that she has to file for divorce, but she may need to protect herself by filing for a legal separation or for emergency custody of their children. The court can issue an order preventing her husband from leaving the state with the children. Are there joint bank accounts? Who has access to their money? The whole situation could get very scary very quickly.

 

Why won't she speak to her priest? Is she embarrassed? Is she trying to protect her husband's reputation? Does she think that the priest won't believe her?

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Bolding mine.

 

My friend went through this a couple of years ago. Her dh thought they would all live happily ever after together. He loved my friend's mind, spirit, and life long friendship and the other woman's free sexuality. My friend's children were in early college years. Her dh thought the three of them would have more children together. He blamed my friend for getting heavier (NOT!) and for not being wildly sexual enough for him. He had a TON of excuses and reasons--none of which made much sense at all.

It was a mess for a very long time.

A very long time.

 

My friend stuck it out. She loved him and even though he wasn't thinking with his brain she kept working on and with him. She went to therapy, he constantly refused. At one late point she said go to the therapist or we are done and I will take you for all you have. I think he went a time or two and finally got his head back on straight.

 

Today you wouldn't know anything was ever wrong with their marriage.

 

I listened a lot. I listened more. I told my friend I would honor any decision she made and spent quite a bit of time with her--doing regular things.

 

I can't imagine.

I'm glad it worked out for your friend.

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Thank you for this. I am clueless about this kind of stuff. Can you give me the cliff notes on why this is a bad idea? She is trying to avoid divorce at almost all cost and I know she will not be happy if I suggest an attorney.

She's willing to live a polygamous lifestyle in order to avoid divorce? I think consenting adults should be able to do whatever, but she doesn't seem to be consenting. Getting legal advice from a lawyer doesn't mean she has to file for divorce, but it would be utterly foolish and potentially detrimental to her children to refuse to educate herself because divorce is "bad."

 

If they have equity in their house and they sell it to move--there's the potential he will run away with the funds. Selling the house is one of the big sticking points with average middle class divorces. I wouldn't be surprised if he's tricking her into doing it before he plans to file for divorce. He may be moving her to another state that is a more advantageous location for him to divorce her. Is he moving her away from family, friends, support? Red flag! (Does she really need MORE red flags?) Maybe he's tricking her into going along with his cockamamie plan just to paint her as an unfit mother. Who knows! I can't give specific advice other than GET TO AN ATTORNEY.

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There are huge implications if she moves, especially to another state. If this should end in divorce, they will be subject to the laws of the state where they reside at the time they file for divorce. Not only can this have huge financial implications for division of assets, alimony, child support, etc, but she may find herself "stuck" in whatever state (or even county!) they are residing in at the time of the divorce. Generally speaking, courts almost always award joint custody and you cannot move away from your former spouse without permission from the court.

OK, thank you.  This makes sense.  I will mention these things.

No matter what your friend believes about divorce, she needs to gather all legal documents (especially the children's birth certificates, ss cards, and passports if they possess them). If they are selling their home, then she needs to put the brakes on that. She should not sign any closing papers or really any legal documents of any kind. She needs to consult with a lawyer. Under no circumstances should she leave the state with her husband or allow the children to leave the state with him (not even to visit family). Consulting a lawyer doesn't mean that she has to file for divorce, but she may need to protect herself by filing for a legal separation or for emergency custody of their children. The court can issue an order preventing her husband from leaving the state with the children. Are there joint bank accounts? Who has access to their money? The whole situation could get very scary very quickly.

Yes, all good points.  Thanks.

Why won't she speak to her priest? Is she embarrassed? Is she trying to protect her husband's reputation? Does she think that the priest won't believe her?

I think she thinks the priest wouldn't believe her.  I also get the impression that he's an older gentleman and maybe he'd find it too shocking?  I don't know.  She's probably also embarassed.  She has only recently found her way back to church and I think she isn't super comfortable yet.  Like she's asking too much while being new.  That's the impression I get.

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She's willing to live a polygamous lifestyle in order to avoid divorce? No, she is unwilling to do that.  She isn't giving up on convincing him that he's unreasonable. I think consenting adults should be able to do whatever, but she doesn't seem to be consenting. Getting legal advice from a lawyer doesn't mean she has to file for divorce, but it would be utterly foolish and potentially detrimental to her children to refuse to educate herself because divorce is "bad."

Yes, I agree.  I think it's fear more than religious belief.

If they have equity in their house and they sell it to move--there's the potential he will run away with the funds. Selling the house is one of the big sticking points with average middle class divorces. I wouldn't be surprised if he's tricking her into doing it before he plans to file for divorce. He may be moving her to another state that is a more advantageous location for him to divorce her. Is he moving her away from family, friends, support? Red flag! (Does she really need MORE red flags?) Maybe he's tricking her into going along with his cockamamie plan just to paint her as an unfit mother. Who knows! I can't give specific advice other than GET TO AN ATTORNEY.

Thank you.

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There are huge implications if she moves, especially to another state. If this should end in divorce, they will be subject to the laws of the state where they reside at the time they file for divorce. Not only can this have huge financial implications for division of assets, alimony, child support, etc, but she may find herself "stuck" in whatever state (or even county!) they are residing in at the time of the divorce. Generally speaking, courts almost always award joint custody and you cannot move away from your former spouse without permission from the court.

 

No matter what your friend believes about divorce, she needs to gather all legal documents (especially the children's birth certificates, ss cards, and passports if they possess them). If they are selling their home, then she needs to put the brakes on that. She should not sign any closing papers or really any legal documents of any kind. She needs to consult with a lawyer. Under no circumstances should she leave the state with her husband or allow the children to leave the state with him (not even to visit family). Consulting a lawyer doesn't mean that she has to file for divorce, but she may need to protect herself by filing for a legal separation or for emergency custody of their children. The court can issue an order preventing her husband from leaving the state with the children. Are there joint bank accounts? Who has access to their money? The whole situation could get very scary very quickly.

 

Why won't she speak to her priest? Is she embarrassed? Is she trying to protect her husband's reputation? Does she think that the priest won't believe her?

 

This!!  I want to like it 10 times!!

 

 Is the state she is now living in a community property state?  Is the state he wants to move a community property state? 

 

Anne

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There are huge implications if she moves, especially to another state. If this should end in divorce, they will be subject to the laws of the state where they reside at the time they file for divorce. Not only can this have huge financial implications for division of assets, alimony, child support, etc, but she may find herself "stuck" in whatever state (or even county!) they are residing in at the time of the divorce. Generally speaking, courts almost always award joint custody and you cannot move away from your former spouse without permission from the court.

 

No matter what your friend believes about divorce, she needs to gather all legal documents (especially the children's birth certificates, ss cards, and passports if they possess them). If they are selling their home, then she needs to put the brakes on that. She should not sign any closing papers or really any legal documents of any kind. She needs to consult with a lawyer. Under no circumstances should she leave the state with her husband or allow the children to leave the state with him (not even to visit family). Consulting a lawyer doesn't mean that she has to file for divorce, but she may need to protect herself by filing for a legal separation or for emergency custody of their children. The court can issue an order preventing her husband from leaving the state with the children. Are there joint bank accounts? Who has access to their money? The whole situation could get very scary very quickly.

 

Why won't she speak to her priest? Is she embarrassed? Is she trying to protect her husband's reputation? Does she think that the priest won't believe her?

Liking this wasn't enough!

 

Don't move unless you want to be stuck in that jurisdiction until the children are grown. I read one decree that limited the residence to a specific county. Crazy.

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I've actually known a couple of women in this position.  The husbands in both of these situations liked their marriage.  They had a good thing from their perspective and didn't want that to change.  But they also wanted the excitement of the new relationship.  They didn't want that to change either.  In both situations the women ended up getting a divorce.  But I don't think you can advise her really.  You can be her friend.  You can listen.  But she's got to decide for herself what she's going to do and if you try to push her one way or another it will blow up in your face, I think.  

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Uh, how can he possibly reconcile being Catholic with essentially taking a second wife?

 

He isn't a practicing Catholic and hasn't been for a while AFAIK.  I'm sure that makes it easier.

 

But I think he's not in his right mind.  Honestly.  I have thought something was "off" since the moment I met him but could never pinpoint what.  I'm just not sure his mind works right.

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Under no circumstances should she move her kids away from her support system to follow his job and possibly get stuck in another state with a custody battle on her hands.

 

If she is not ok with this request it doesn't matter WHY he's doing it, it matters what she does to protect herself and kids. Moving out of state with this guy would be a mistake.

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He isn't a practicing Catholic and hasn't been for a while AFAIK. I'm sure that makes it easier.

 

But I think he's not in his right mind. Honestly. I have thought something was "off" since the moment I met him but could never pinpoint what. I'm just not sure his mind works right.

Regardless of if he is mentally ill, a jerk or polyamorous (or all three), she can't force him to change. Assuming she is, like most people, not ok with her husband redefining the parameters of their relationship to include a new person, she needs to start making plans to live her own life separately from him.

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I've actually known a couple of women in this position.  The husbands in both of these situations liked their marriage.  They had a good thing from their perspective and didn't want that to change.  But they also wanted the excitement of the new relationship.  They didn't want that to change either.  In both situations the women ended up getting a divorce.  But I don't think you can advise her really.  You can be her friend.  You can listen.  But she's got to decide for herself what she's going to do and if you try to push her one way or another it will blow up in your face, I think.  

Yes I agree.  I don't really want to advise her on what to do exactly.  I will listen and be there for her regardless.  But also as her friend I don't want to not suggest things that might be critical for her to do to protect herself.  You know?  I would never suggest divorce to someone, especially someone whose religious beliefs about it were stronger than mine.  But I'm afraid for her.  I don't want her to be left with nothing like a fool. 

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Regardless of if he is mentally ill, a jerk or polyamorous (or all three), she can't force him to change. Assuming she is, like most people, not ok with her husband redefining the parameters of their relationship to include a new person, she needs to start making plans to live her own life separately from him.

 

Well, that's it in a nutshell, isn't it?

 

People suck.

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My Catholic parents were separated but not divorced for a dozen or so years before my mother died. Living on her own doesn't mean she has to get a divorce unless one of them initiates it. She shouldn't accept an untenable situation just to remain married in name only. What he is asking her has to be more out of her faith than separation or divorce.

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Tell her to lawyer up and also find out where every last penny is if she doesn't know. Keep records of everything-- cell phone bills and print out and keep numbers called, mail, new addresses he may have, etc. If she works, start depositing her earned funds into an account with only her name on it. He's a liar and a cheat. She needs to keep him away from her money and keep a close eye on "their" money and assets, which includes anything with only his name on it.

 

Maybe I'm wrong about what Catholics believe, but even most very conservative Protestants consider adultery as Biblical grounds for divorce. In any case, she needs to protect herself and her kids financially and legally.

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Get her to talk to an attorney about the implications of relocating. Selling house, liquidating assets... Heck no don't leave the state willingly!

:iagree:

 

Yes, yes, and yes again!!!

 

She needs to see an attorney immediately.

 

Why wouldn't you want to suggest divorce? What other possible option does she have that would protect her and her children for the long term? The guy sounds like a delusional cheating weasel. Why would she stay married to him?

 

I don't even think her priest would object to a divorce in this case.

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:iagree:

 

Yes, yes, and yes again!!!

 

She needs to see an attorney immediately.

 

Why wouldn't you want to suggest divorce? What other possible option does she have that would protect her and her children for the long term? The guy sounds like a delusional cheating weasel. Why would she stay married to him?

 

I don't even think her priest would object to a divorce in this case.

 

I wouldn't suggest it because I already know she doesn't want to and I don't want to turn our heart-to-hearts into her needing to be on the defensive with her friend.

 

I'm sure it's something she's thinking about.  We did discuss it a few months ago, in more general terms, before the adultery.  Now, she talks AROUND it without saying it.  Me mentioning it would do no good except make her not want to talk to me.

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Maybe I'm wrong about what Catholics believe, but even most very conservative Protestants consider adultery as Biblical grounds for divorce. In any case, she needs to protect herself and her kids financially and legally.

 

I don't think it's a matter of having grounds.  I think it's more feeling shame that she couldn't make it work.  Almost like just because you CAN divorce for this doesn't mean you SHOULD.  I don't believe that but I think she is thinking it.  At least a little.

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8circles, on 26 Feb 2015 - 7:23 PM, said:

I don't think it's a matter of having grounds.  I think it's more feeling shame that she couldn't make it work.  Almost like just because you CAN divorce for this doesn't mean you SHOULD.  I don't believe that but I think she is thinking it.  At least a little.

 

 

except - she ISN'T the one "not making it work". HIS behavior is what is putting the brakes on their relationship.  he's an absolute scoundrel and his behavior and demands are destructive to her and her children.  (she needs to think about the message she is sending her children.  would she want her daughters living like this?  then she shouldn't give her children the message this is okay be to treated this way.)

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I wouldn't suggest it because I already know she doesn't want to and I don't want to turn our heart-to-hearts into her needing to be on the defensive with her friend.

 

I'm sure it's something she's thinking about. We did discuss it a few months ago, in more general terms, before the adultery. Now, she talks AROUND it without saying it. Me mentioning it would do no good except make her not want to talk to me.

Are you sure she is skirting around it because she is hoping you will mention it first? Maybe she isn't sure how you feel about divorce and feels awkward about coming right out and asking you what you think.

 

You wouldn't have to be militant about it, but you might want to mention it delicately just to see how she reacts. I can't imagine she isn't considering it, even if she hates the idea of divorce, because the option her dh has given her is so far out in left field.

 

Personally, I can't imagine not throwing the guy out on his butt the minute she found out he was fooling around and had no intention of ending the other relationship, but as soon as he tossed around the idea of one big happy family, he's lucky she didn't whack him over the head with a frying pan.

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she needs to talk to a lawyer, even if she doesn't want divorce. He might decide to divorce her to go with the other woman.  About leaving the state, she needs to talk to a lawyer, in my state, if we've been married for more than 10 years, I could get alimony for life if I don't re-marry, if we moved to a different state, some work differently, so if I moved to the State my brother lives in, I would get far less, maybe only 4 years of alimony.  It could make a huge difference if she moves.

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except - she ISN'T the one "not making it work". HIS behavior is what is putting the brakes on their relationship. he's an absolute scoundrel and his behavior and demands are destructive to her and her children. (she needs to think about the message she is sending her children. would she want her daughters living like this? then she shouldn't give her children the message this is okay be to treated this way.)

That is such an important point, and is something you might want to ask her if she seems conflicted about what to do. "If this happened to your daughter, what would you advise her to do?"

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Are you sure she is skirting around it because she is hoping you will mention it first? Maybe she isn't sure how you feel about divorce and feels awkward about coming right out and asking you what you think.

 

You wouldn't have to be militant about it, but you might want to mention it delicately just to see how she reacts. I can't imagine she isn't considering it, even if she hates the idea of divorce, because the option her dh has given her is so far out in left field.

 

Personally, I can't imagine not throwing the guy out on his butt the minute she found out he was fooling around and had no intention of ending the other relationship, but as soon as he tossed around the idea of one big happy family, he's lucky she didn't whack him over the head with a frying pan.

 

Sigh.  It's possible I guess.  If it were up to me I'd have divorced him years ago.  Before the adultery.

 

Maybe I'll mention it again and see how she reacts.   I don't want to add to her stress.  

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In a situation like this, you can suggest that she go to an attorney to see what her options are for protection. Divorce will be one of the options in the attorney's mind, but it doesn't mean that's what your friend would be seeking. However, the attorney will have seen many more messes like this and will know how to best protect against them.

 

If she thinks the priest won't believe her, I'd suggest to her that priests, hearing confessions, probably have heard it all and it's unlikely he wouldn't believe her. The facts will be on her side in any case. Also, the priest is there to provide spiritual guidance and comfort through the trials of life. This is a very hard situation she shouldn't have to slog through on her own.

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except - she ISN'T the one "not making it work". HIS behavior is what is putting the brakes on their relationship.  he's an absolute scoundrel and his behavior and demands are destructive to her and her children.  (she needs to think about the message she is sending her children.  would she want her daughters living like this?  then she shouldn't give her children the message this is okay be to treated this way.)

 

Yes, I know this.  It's harder to see, I think, when it's happening to you.  She is worried about the message to her kids.  Only her oldest is for sure aware of some of this.  The others just feel the tension, I think.  (not to minimize, just explain)

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she needs to talk to a lawyer, even if she doesn't want divorce. He might decide to divorce her to go with the other woman.  About leaving the state, she needs to talk to a lawyer, in my state, if we've been married for more than 10 years, I could get alimony for life if I don't re-marry, if we moved to a different state, some work differently, so if I moved to the State my brother lives in, I would get far less, maybe only 4 years of alimony.  It could make a huge difference if she moves.

 

Yes, you've all convinced me that this is really important.  I will pass it along.  Thanks.

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Didn't read all the answers, but moving is a SUPER bad idea because it is what cheaters do to get a great deal in a divorce. They sell the house, cars, business pretending to want to relocate, then when everything is liquid they just take it all and leave the other party with nothing. Works like a charm. He is tricking her, and he intends to leave her penniless.

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