amo_mea_filiis. Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 My 14 year old, who was in public 7th last year with A's and B's, doesn't care about my feedback regarding her writing. The assignment was any topic of her choice and working through the writing book she used (Writing in 15 minutes a day). Tea is a widely known drink, and has many health qualities. Used in many traditions and involved with some religions and superstitions, Tea, is drank all over the world. No one knows when Tea was first discovered, but the most likely story is that in 2737 B.C.E, dried leaves fell into Emperor Shen Nung’s cup of boiling water, and has since become a beverage that comes in many forms and is drank in many ways. A few types of Tea include Hot Tea, Iced Tea, Sweet Tea, Rice Tea, Oolong Tea, and the popular Asian drink, Bubble Tea, which is Tea with cream and small sweet tapioca balls at the bottom. Tea can be boiled, steeped, fried, steamed, and even fermented. There are many traditions that include Tea, one of which is the Traditional Japanese Tea Ceremony, which is associated with harmony, tranquility, and respect, as a person focuses all their heart into the act of making tea with boiled water and Green Tea powder. Before antibiotics were invented, people would use Tea in and as medicine to prevent infections, cure illness and preserve good health. Scientist studied the plant that tea is derived from, Camellia Sinesis, and discovered antimicrobial effects. When used right, tea can help heart disease, infection, fever and can be used as an anti-inflammatory, antibiotic, antioxidant, anticarcinogenic. Tea can also lower blood pressure and cholesterol. Even with all these uses, Tea remains a drink that is favored worldwide and can be drank hot or cold, and with friends and family. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 What kind of feedback is she looking for? Will this be turned into a longer essay, or is it just the 15 minute quickwrite? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 She says this is her final draft. I was expecting her to take more time and specifically talking about citing sources. Instead of continuing to argue, I told her I'd post it here for non-mom feedback. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I would say the use of drank was wrong in both cases but that could be correct where you are. She seems to be arguing that tea is popular despite its health benefits which seems odd. I don't know what a 14 year old's writing should look like though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 Thank you for not jumping and claiming greatness on this! This took her 30 minutes or so to complete and would have gotten her an A in school. I'm going to pick her next topic and she'll be using the library. Google opens too many rabbit trails, like the potential health benefits, but then she doesn't cite her sources. ETA: it should have taken 3-4 days if she'd followed the book's directions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanikit Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 She has covered a number of aspects about tea, however many of her paragraphs are only one sentence long and need expanding. She could explain how the different ways of making tea differ and additional information about the types of tea. She also says there are many traditions that involve tea but then only goes on to site one example. Here is an article on the uses of drink/drank and drunk that she should perhaps read: https://www.coachella.com/forum/showthread.php?41493-Drink-Drank-Drunk-A-lesson-in-grammar She needs to remove the "even" at the end else as kiwik said it seems that despite benefits tea is still popular. She has covered enough aspects of tea in this essay - the internet does tend to lead to you finding too much information so if she expands the essay she should probably just stick to the topics she has originally covered - not add anything totally new into it. Her introduction does cover what is included in the rest of the essay and her conclusion does a good job of summing things up. There are a few grammatical and punctuation errors which can be corrected. For 30min of work it is not a bad piece especially if that included the research too - maybe she just needs to spend a bit more time on something - is she particularly interested in tea or did the enthusiasm for it die out - you may find your idea of using the library may also help. References would have been helpful if she wants further evaluation. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YsgolYGair Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I'm not going to compare it to "what a 14 yo should write" just whether or not its a good piece of writing, generally. First, there are glaring capitalization, verb tense, run-on, and punctuation issues. Neither tea, nor any type of tea, should be capitalised unless it is a proper name of a tea. Iced tea, sweet tea, rice tea, etc. do not qualify as proper names. Secondly, there is no organization, and appears to be no clear thesis or topic sentence. When you write, you need to have a clear definition of the purpose of your writing in your own mind and make it very clear to the reader. In the first "paragraph," for example, the reader is not sure if the subject of the paper is going to be the health benefits or the fact that it is used in religious ceremonies and drunk all over the world. Any piece of writing, particularly one this small, should have one main focus, and it should be made abundantly clear. Her conclusion sentence needs to be more of a repeat of her topic / thesis statement than it is. You should never introduce a new concept in a concluding paragraph or sentence. Tea being for "friends and family" is not relevant to the paper, as she doesn't even mention social drinking of tea before that. So, it should not be introduced there. She also needs to restructure the concluding sentence because it sounds as if she is contradicting her paper because of the way she's worded it. It reminds me of what Susan said about her student's papers when she started teaching: they didn't know what they were trying to prove, and when they got to the end of their papers, they didn't know if they had proven it. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I am a super-lenient essay grader. I would give this an 83 percent. My 14 year old, who was in public 7th last year with A's and B's, doesn't care about my feedback regarding her writing. The assignment was any topic of her choice and working through the writing book she used (Writing in 15 minutes a day). Tea is a widely-known drink, and has many health qualities. Used in many traditions and involved with some religions and superstitions, Ttea, is drank drunk all over the world. No one knows when Tea was first discovered, but the most likely story is that in 2737 B.C.E, dried leaves fell into Emperor Shen Nung’s cup of boiling water, and has since become a beverage that comes in many forms and is drank in many ways. A few types of Tea include: Hot Tea, Iced Tea, Sweet Tea, Rice Tea, Oolong Tea, and the popular Asian drink, Bubble Tea,. which Bubble Tea is Tea with cream and small sweet tapioca balls at the bottom. Tea can be boiled, steeped, fried, steamed, and even fermented. There are many traditions that include Tea, one of which is the Traditional Japanese Tea Ceremony, which is associated with harmony, tranquility, and respect, as a person focuses all their his heart into the act of making tea with boiled water and Green Tea powder. (huge run-on sentence) Before antibiotics were invented, people would use Tea in and as medicine to prevent infections, cure illness and preserve good health. Scientists studied the plant that tea is derived from, Camellia Sinesis, and discovered antimicrobial effects. When used right correctly, tea can help heart disease, infection, and fever and can be used as an anti-inflammatory, antibiotic, antioxidant, anti-carcinogenic. Tea can also lower blood pressure and cholesterol. Even with all these uses, Tea remains a drink that is favored worldwide and can be drank hot or cold, and with friends and family. This is how I would have corrected this, if it had been done by one of my dc. Introduction and conclusion are weak A lot of interesting facts!! Good Job!! Use "drunk" with a helping verb Most of your paragraphs are too short. You should be expanding on the information. For instance: Why is the story that you wrote about the emperor "the most likely"? Emperor of what country? Need a better explanation of the tea ceremony (I'm not sure if Bubble Tea is capitalized or not. Please look this up.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 ETA: it should have taken 3-4 days if she'd followed the book's directions. Just saw this: the grade has now fallen to a 75. Edit: I just saw that this is a really old thread. Sorry about that. I hope that your dd is doing better at listening to your critiques of her writing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.