ADD/ADHD question

[Gentlemommy]

I've often heard it said that a child with ADD will at times look as though they aren't trying or putting forth effort. That all those lectures and admonitions about 'applying yourself' are impossible for an. ADD child. And when it comes to school work, I can definitely understand why it would look that way.

I'd like to help my dd, age 9. We've made many changes to how we handle school work, making accommodations and modifications. I believe we are on the right track with her regarding schoolwork. However, I'm seeing that her seemingly 'lack of effort' is affecting her in the extracurriculars she enjoys. She is content with cruising along, giving some effort, but never truly pushing herself. We've always been supportive of any hobby or skill she wants to learn, our only expectation is that she gives 100%, and if she commits to a team or season, that she follow through (barring something extreme).

She was invited and chose to accept a spot on the gymnastics team this year. She started at a disadvantage, not having had a year of pre-team like the other girls. I know this. However, oftentimes when I go watch I see her chatting, giving up when she isn't able to do something, or just not giving her best effort. I have talked to her many times regarding this...I could care less what she wants to do, so long as she is passionate and WANTS to be doing it. She insists she IS trying, but just can't do certain skills. I want to believe her I do...but I just don't. I was a dancer and I know the dedication and determination I had. I know how hard I worked. I don't see that. I've offered to have her switch, to see if there is another thing she'd rather do...she says she likes gymnastics. I've offered to have her switch to a recreational class, but she doesn't want that. At the same time, she is often discouraged and down on herself after practice. I know her teachers and they are kind, positive, and not critical. It's not that they are being cruel. I don't care if she doesn't aspire to compete, but I do care that she is feeling the negative consequences of her lack of effort.

I want to understand how ADD works in regards to putting forth effort. I'd like to know how to better handle it when she is 'demoted' to an easier routine before a meet because she hasn't mastered the skills necessary for the harder routine. I see the same thing in archery, which again she insists she likes and wants to continue. She shoots her arrows quickly, and then runs off to chat with her friends. But at a tournament, she gets upset for not doing well. She is a perfectionist, and often gives up when she isn't successful. I'd like to help her change that mindset. I'm fiercely competitive with myself and can not accept less than 100%. I'm stubborn about it to a fault. I know I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum, and my way isn't good either. I know I need to chill. 😳ðŸ˜

Anyway, words of wisdom or advice would be welcome! Thank you.

[albeto.]

Wow, I was just like that as a kid (still am, I suppose). Competition still stresses me out. This is really interesting for me to read. Anyway, off the top of my head, I'd suggest helping her find a hobby that doesn't have a competition built in it - something that she can progress at her own pace without comparing production with others. Creative writing, art, hiking, rock climbing, bicycle repair, computer programming, creator of steam punk clothing and gadgets, stuff like that, maybe? Stuff that she would enjoy doing, but the only reference for her progress would be her own starting point. In addition to asking her what else she might enjoy doing, offer new experiences for her. She may not know what she really wants, so expose her to lots of different things, then start chasing down those that catch and hold her attention the most.

[Tap]

Well for one thing, I think you identified the problems quite well.  

 

You expect 100%.  You want her to be passionate.

She is a perfectionist who doesn't like to feel the negative emotions of not doing well when it counts.

 

I would say, not all kids are going to be 100% perfect and be the tip top of the class.  If she is in the average range and is happy being there, then let her be there.  If she wants to move up in gymnastics with more complicated routines, she will have to get more serious about it.  But that is on her, not you.  If she wants better scores in archery, she will need to learn to slow down and focus. 

 

Being serious, passionate and focused are not skills that are common in 9yos.  Being social and wanting to have fun....is common.  I don't know that it has anything to do with ADD, just being a normal 9yo.    

 

I would suggest planning more time hanging out with friends outside of practice as a planned trade off for practice having a little less chatting.  Not that it needs to go away, but just trade some really good hanging out time, for some of that distracted hanging out at practices. One thing that can help is if the coaches or nearby parents try to encourage kids to cheer/support or watch the other athletes when they are at meets/matches etc. Some kids get to stressed out doing this at important events, but for the ones who can be supportive without building too much of their own stress, it can be helpful to keep the socializing down a bit. 

 

 

BTDT -- here is where I am coming from, just in case it sounds odd to increase socialization to ultimately have better focus.

 

DS20 has always done things early, been invited to an elite swim team, was a varsity swimmer his freshman year in high school, was in classes 2-3 years early, started college at 15yo.....etc.  But even though he has always been ahead of the curve, he has always scored average scores.  It was hard to see as a parent! Everyone could see his potential to do amazing things, but he never really soared like everyone expected.  

 

DS20 is quite gifted academically but you would never know it by his grades.  He missed one problem on his ACT, was in college calculus at 16yo and is graduating with 2 bachelors degrees at 20yo. When he took his college placement exams, they said they were some of the highest they had ever seen in his age group.  But his grades are B average, and often in the c range.   When he wants to, he can easily get an A....but he has to want to do it.   His downfall, is that he is extremely extroverted. As a teen, he finally figured out, that he has to plan time with friends into his school day, for him to do well in academics.  He has to have time to hang out with his friends or he will struggle to stay on task.  The times in his life when he has struggled the most with depression, specifically from not achieving a goal he had set for himself, is when he tried to block out friends for more study time or made his schedule too full of have-to-dos vs want-to-dos.   He absolutely  has to be social, to an extreme degree! If he plans his hangout time, along with his focus time, he does much better in achieving his goals.

 

As a parent, it used to frustrate me to see him not achieve at his anticiapated potential.  Then, there was an awakening in me as his mom, and one of the *many* touch points along the way was really understanding the quote by Albert Einstein 

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.†   I had to get over the grading system that we live life by.  I had to get over times on the score board for swimming, I had to get over grades, I had to get over whatever qualifier was currently being used to tell me that my son, who I knew was gifted in many ways, was average.   He had to figure out what activities he was willing to take an average score in, because he wanted to participate, but not really care about the score.  Then he had to figure out what he really wanted to achieve in, and plan his friends into the equation, but as a separate part of it.  For him, that meant carpooling to increase time with friends before sports, or doing sleepovers, or planning hang out time out side of the activity.   Once he identified, what he really wanted to achieve and what he was willing/able to do to get there, he was much happier with his successes.   

 

DS20 does have ADD.  But even he will tell you that it only affects his ability to do 'forced' academic work.  Writing that boring paper after a long day of classes or doing a long math lesson after writing a paper for 5 hours.  He does use meds occasionally when he has to, but otherwise he manages it will a healthy dose of friends. LOL 

 

 

 

[kbutton]

I don't really have more to say on the perfectionist part, but these kids are inconsistent performers. Doing their best on one day and doing their best the next CAN and DOES yield totally different results sometimes, and these kids don't really know why or how that works, so they aren't really sure of their capabilities. (That really messes with a person!) I also think that some days, the gas tank is also more or less full, and giving 100% isn't the same every day because of that. And, different activities and feelings/circumstances lead to different mileage from similar amounts of fuel. I also think that some kids can't give 100% every day and not meltdown. I know I can't, and I'm pretty sure I don't have ADHD. And I still don't display nearly enough patience as I should with this state of affairs.

 

 

[Sandragood1]

At 9, most kids are all about the fun. If you think she is learning to be afraid to try her hardest you need to try to offset that. I think it indicates that she IS a perfectionist. Either within herself or from external signals from you or any other perfectionists in her life.

 

Maybe you can set up a private lesson or two with a coach to help her get one of her skills. This will demonstrate to her what she CAN do if she tries. But keep it fun and watch the signals that you are sending. Help her take pride in her accomplishment without setting up a demand for more accomplishments.

[kroe1]

Does not sound like ADD/ADHD at all. It just sounds like a mom who has different expectations than her daughter who has her own expectations. I would just keep keeping on. She is on the team, she is surviving, and she wants to continue. So be it. Passion comes in spurts with many sports like gymnastics where there big achievements learned sporadically.

[kbutton]

Does not sound like ADD/ADHD at all. It just sounds like a mom who has different expectations than her daughter who has her own expectations. I would just keep keeping on. She is on the team, she is surviving, and she wants to continue. So be it. Passion comes in spurts with many sports like gymnastics where there big achievements learned sporadically.

 

I may be reading this wrong, but it sounds to me like the OP has a diagnosed child, and the sports stuff is another layer of concern. She's wanting to know how much is different mom expectations (based on her own at that age), how much is ADHD, how much is personal difference, and how to respond accordingly. So, I agree with what you've said about keeping on and passion, but I think the ADHD is an established part of the equation that she's trying to account for in the scheme of things, unless I've read the OP wrong.

[Jan in SC]

Try a private lesson. Ask for a time when there aren't that many people in the gym, and tell her it's okay to ask questions and work on skills she wants to improve. Tell the coach that she would like some individual time. Some people don't learn well in large, crowded gyms. That will get better, but she's still really young. If she doesn't want the privates, don't force her. Just let her know that you are there to support her, and if she changes her mind, to let you know.

[albeto.]

I may be reading this wrong, but it sounds to me like the OP has a diagnosed child, and the sports stuff is another layer of concern. She's wanting to know how much is different mom expectations (based on her own at that age), how much is ADHD, how much is personal difference, and how to respond accordingly. So, I agree with what you've said about keeping on and passion, but I think the ADHD is an established part of the equation that she's trying to account for in the scheme of things, unless I've read the OP wrong.

 

That's how I read it too, a kind of way of cutting to the chase. Parents of ADD/ADHD kid have likely tried most conventional tactics already, and then some.

[kroe1]

I may be reading this wrong, but it sounds to me like the OP has a diagnosed child, and the sports stuff is another layer of concern. She's wanting to know how much is different mom expectations (based on her own at that age), how much is ADHD, how much is personal difference, and how to respond accordingly. So, I agree with what you've said about keeping on and passion, but I think the ADHD is an established part of the equation that she's trying to account for in the scheme of things, unless I've read the OP wrong.

It is irrelevant whether the child is diagnosed or not to me because the behavior she posted can happen to all people, not just those with a certain medical condition. I had assumed the kiddo was already diagnosed also, however.

[Storygirl]

My son has ADHD and is a gymnast. Yes, the behaviors the OP describes COULD apply to any young child, but a child diagnosed with ADHD will find some things more challenging due to the ADHD. It can be harder for them to modify their behavior to adhere to the expectations of coaches, parents, or even themselves. The things that might help a neurotypical child may not make a difference for the ADHD child at all. So the diagnosis is an important piece of the puzzle here.

 

My son definitely underperforms compared to his peers with similar athletic ability. It was discouraging to watch him do pretty poorly at his meets last year (he finished in last place for his age group and level at the state meet, for example). This year he is on medication (last year he was not), and he is doing remarkably better, because the meds enable him to focus on the details of his performance. The details are of vital importance in the success of a competitive gymnast, because points are deducted for everything that is not perfect. Many individuals with ADHD have a lot of trouble attending to details and staying on task. It also takes DS longer to master things, so that also keeps him from progressing at the same pace as his teammates.

 

Why then, if he is not likely to be a top achiever, would we keep him participating in such an expensive and time-consuming sport? Gymnastics allows him to have the chance to success at a sport (he does have skills but just does not use them to the best effect) at his own pace. Unlike most team sports, he can progress at his own pace while also getting to be part of a team. He has an outlet for his abundant physical energy, and he gets to take risks in a comparatively safe and controlled environment (he is a risk taker). He has the chance to make friends (social things can be tricky for him) with boys who share a similar interest. Gymnastics requires discipline, which he generally lacks, so it challenges him in the areas that he needs to work on. But it's fun for him, and over the long haul he will improve and do better. We're hoping that he sticks with it through his teenage years, because he is going to need structure and hard physical exercise and something to keep him busy so that he is more likely to avoid some of the risky teenage behaviors that could be pitfalls for him.

 

So, OP, my advice is to talk to the coaches. Make sure they know about the ADHD and let them know that she needs help staying on task and paying attention. Do not compare her to her teammates (this is hard) but celebrate her individual achievements. Generally it is best to allow the coaches to be the coaches and for you to just be a cheerleader. If it bothers you to watch her behavior in class, consider dropping her off and not watching. If she gets discouraged that her scores are lower than she wants them to be and seems willing to discuss it with you, you could gently point out that paying attention in class will help her do better. Beware, though, of being too critical, because it may damage your relationship with her and/or destroy her love of the sport.

 

Don't expect her to be a top gymnast but focus on the good and positive things that it does in her life. Most young children will decide for themselves somewhere along the way that gymnastics requires too much effort and isn't fun any more; most, even the talented ones, do not stick with it all the way to high school graduation. I'm pointing that out because for most kids the benefits of gymnastics are not whether they won a lot of medals or placed at a meet or mastered a complicated skill or were one of the best on their team. The benefits are in the process of getting physical exercise, being part of a team, challenging oneself to learn a new skill, gaining physical coordination and mental discipline, etc. Your daughter might not ever be a top gymnast, but she can still gain those other things if she sticks with it. And in the long-run, those are the things that are important.

 

 

 

 

[Gentlemommy]

Story girl, thank you. Your post meant so much to me. And to everyone who has taken the time to respond, please know that I am so appreciative, and am considering each suggestion carefully. I love this board!