Jump to content

Menu

Give me a pep talk - parent/teacher meeting this Tuesday


Recommended Posts

This will be my first time talking to their 3rd grade teacher for more than 10 seconds.  P/T meetings were delayed until now because the teacher was on mat leave.

 

This year I have given the girls a lot of independence as far as school - they go to/from on the school bus and I don't attempt to meddle in what happens in the classroom, other than to occasionally give the kids advice on a problem reported to me.  I work with them at home on their homework and other work, to help shore up weaknesses etc.  This seems to have worked well IMO.  My kids are not perfect in school, but they are not a disaster either.

 

The kids report that the teacher screams and puts them down in front of their classmates, and they are afraid to ask her for clarification on their work.  My eldest also reports that she has a big pile of work at school hanging over her head, and the teacher won't send it home so she can catch up on the weekend.  (She has some issues that make some tasks slow going, no matter how hard she tries.)  She was berated over this Friday, to the point where she hung her head in tears / shame for the entire morning.

 

My youngest, an advanced student, is even more afraid of her teacher.  She wants to be recommended for the gifted program, but her grades (which were 4.0 last trimester) are falling.  She has said she feels that she does not belong in school.  But she can't articulate further.

 

So.  I am sure the teacher will have plenty to say to me at the meeting, about the things my kids don't do right.  She only allotted me 15 minutes despite the fact that I have 2 kids in her class.  What do I want to say to her?  OK, I know what I *want* to say, but what *should* I say?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think I have asked you this before but why do you persist with this school? I would say that I am puzzled by the change in marks as your child is the same as last term only the teacher has changed. I would ask if she thinks she is coping with returning to work as it sounds like she isn't managing well. But I am hopeless and would probably just offend her however careful I was.

 

Maybe the bump will get you some answers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't understand why you don't protest more at the school. If every kid gets a 15 minute conference you shouldn't have to split times because you have two kids in the same class. You are paying for this school, and your family really deserves better.  If the teacher is berating them on a daily basis, I really would speak up and ask what is going on. Like Kiwik, I always wonder why you keep your kids at this school. Are the public school atrocious where you live? Are there really no other private school options? Do you every have any of their school friends over for playdates or do you know any of the parents in the class well? I would try to talk to other kids or parents and ask them (without any leading questions) if they had to guess how would their teacher describe your kids, or how do you think the teacher feels about your kids, or have they noticed the teacher saying anything differently to your kids. Maybe the teacher is screaming at all the kids and is sleep deprived from having an infant, or maybe she really is picking on your kids. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sorry that I don't have advice for you. I had to chime in though, because having twins myself (I know you daughters are not twins, but rather close in age), I find it VERY unethical that their teacher is giving you one time slot for both of them! They are two different individuals, and therefore should be given separate conference times.

 

I would definitely mention the fact that one of your daughters needs more time to complete work and you would welcome it if the teacher sent it home over the weekend.

 

As for the yelling and putting kids down in front of the class, this can easily turn into a he-said-she-said pointing fingers situation, where your daughters will suffer even more if you bring that up. Instead, you could suggest that your daughter is struggling with the classroom dynamics this year and you would like to know where this stems from. You could then ask to shadow the class for a day, or help out one morning a week. The closer your bond with the teacher, the better your kids will get treated. It's just human nature.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If the teacher is screaming and punitive, I'd either go to the principal, take the kids out, or shut up. You might not be the only one having issues.

 

I do not think that someone who thinks that raising her voice and piling on work is going to suddenly have a change of heart. I would just emphasize what you do at home, how you deal with your daughter's slow working and task management issues, and what motivates her positively. Emphasize that you know your children aren't perfect--nobody is--but that you're happy to see them working towards an improvement goal and you're happy when you hear that going on in class. Just set an example.

 

To stop the yelling I would say, the kids are going to have to stand up for themselves. "That voice is too loud for me. Please speak quietly. I am trying my best."

 

Or ask for another teacher. Some teachers seem to choose least-favorites. They are convinced that it's not them, that it's the kid. "There's always one!" I don't know that I'd be willing to be that teacher's personal life coach. I'd rather move my kid. Not for small things--not for the pile of work--but for yelling if it is really yelling.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I do strongly encourage my kids to advocate for themselves.  That actually gets them in more trouble sometimes, as the teachers expect kids to shut up and deal.  But they are generally pretty strong - especially my eldest, who is used to not being the "golden child."

 

I've heard of several instances where Miss A was yelled at or put down in front of the class over what she describes as a misunderstanding or whatever.  The teacher not only calls her out, but (sometimes) makes her go sit on a rug in another part of the classroom.  She is a social child and very sensitive to being embarrassed in class.

 

And I know kids sometimes misinterpret things, but both of my kids are there, so my chances of getting the true story are higher.

 

I have thought about going to the principal.  I would like to hear what the teacher says before I decide on next steps.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry if it came off like I didn't believe your kids. That was not on my mind. I haven't seen you post anything about them that would suggest they would talk about yelling if it wasn't something at least inappropriately / unusually loud.

 

Good luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As for the yelling and putting kids down in front of the class, this can easily turn into a he-said-she-said pointing fingers situation, where your daughters will suffer even more if you bring that up. 

This is what happened to my DS in 1st grade after I went to the school management about yelling from the teacher.

 

SKL, I know that you have said in the past that your children will stay in the same school. Ask them to give you 2 time slots for discussing each daughter's progress individually - the teacher cannot refuse that. Gently remind her that they charge you 2 separate school fees and hence should give you 2 times for the PT meeting - that should work.

 

I think that it is OK to bring up the yelling in a polite way to the teacher. You can tell her that you heard about these incidents from both your daughters and ask her if there was anything you could do or if you could talk to them at home to help them modify their behavior so that such things don't happen in the future - basically, act innocent while you bring up the issue and act like you are a team player trying to find a solution for the teacher's problem. By doing that, you are also letting her know that you are aware of what goes on in her classroom and she may control her bullying of your kids because of that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I lived through it.  :P  According to the teacher, she just adores both of my kids and bends over backwards to help them and make them feel good about themselves.  :/  She said it broke her heart to see my kid so upset last Friday.  (I didn't bring it up, she did.)  (I later told Miss A that her teacher said she felt bad for her, she wasn't angry with her.  Miss A said, "her actions showed something different.")

 

Teacher mentioned that she wants the girls to be more willing to ask questions when they are not sure of something.  I told her that I encouraged the same, but they both said they were scared to ask questions.  She didn't fall out of her chair or anything.

 

She said Miss A is doing awesome in math, participating voluntarily, and she's calling on Miss A when nobody volunteers because she knows Miss A gets math.  (This is great to hear.)  I told Miss A about this when I got home and she was so excited, she went and dug out the math manipulatives to play with them.  ;)

 

About the independent work piling up at school:  teacher is reluctant to send it home because it's weighted heavier than homework (in the grades) and she doesn't trust parents to let the kids do it independently.  Miss A has hardly been allowed to go to recess all winter because she is required to work on this pile of stuff (including make-up work from sick days) during recess.  (I said she would work better all day if she went out for recess, but teacher ignored that.)  Teacher also commented that Miss A gets to school 15 minutes early and spends that time chatting up her friends.  (Which seems to me like a normal thing for a 3rd grader to do.)  Teacher agreed to pick and choose some independent work that can be sent home (at least until she gets caught up), and I agreed to tell Miss A to cut her morning chats to 5 minutes and get some work done before school.

 

The thing about the weight of the classwork vs. homework bugs me on a philosophical level.  It seems to me that this is 3rd grade, and who cares how the grade is weighted?  Is she gonna qualify for a scholarship or a pay raise if she gets a higher grade because she finished it at home?  Is it worth the tears and anxiety?

 

I mentioned that Miss A has diagnosed processing issues and has been in therapy in the past for vision, auditory processing, and retained reflexes, all of which contribute to the trouble she's having keeping up and following directions.  Although the issues are relatively mild now, I felt it might encourage the teacher to be a little more understanding and less punitive / exasperated.  We'll see.

 

As for Miss E, everything is outstanding (as usual) but the teacher went silent when I mentioned that she's very bright.  They all do this, I've noticed.  It didn't feel like the right time to bring up the gifted program.

 

Oddly, she gushed about how nicely my kids dress and how nice their hair is.  ??

 

I went way over the allotted time, way over 2x the allotted time, and other parents were waiting after me, so I felt like a jerk.  But it is only one meeting a year.  And boy am I glad it's over.  ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You needed the time. I had a shot conference due to an overage--we did not need it. Take it.

 

As for the conference, that doesn't sound TOO bad. You made headway with homework at least. Good for you.

 

Hair and dress, what the hey? I will NEVER get that comment for my kids. Oh well!

 

Re: The gifted program, probably not with it with a sub anyway. You need an advocate.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh, and the teacher apparently forgot that my kid recently missed 2 days of school and that was part of why she was behind.  (She brought a huge pile of work home and completed it, but the "morning work" pile never came home, and she missed at least one test etc.)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...