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The mom who doesn't get social cues...


SunshineMom
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Urg...we belong to a small co-op.  There is one mom who is just a nonstop chatterbox; she often boasts about her children's intelligence:(  Others are aware that she is overcompensating but find it very annoying.  I actually feel sorry for her but it has completely tired and soured me.  I am beginning to get snippy with her and am avoiding interacting with her.  She just doesn't get social cues from others. I don't know how to address her in a loving manner without her going on the defensive. 

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Arrgh.  If we belonged to a co-op, I would assume I was the social skill-less person you are talking about. I try not to be, but talking in public makes me so nervous that I tend to babble.  And talking about my kids is one of the few conversation topics that I know anything about!

 

 

Best thing to do, I think is to just avoid me.  Seriously.  I will find someone else to annoy.  If I repeat myself (I do that alot), just politely say "You've mentioned that before." and disengage.

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"Yes, you have told me about....." or leaving the conversation to attend to something else after 5min of nonstop chatter on her part or conveying stories of others with similar (whatever) to help guide her in a different direction or out in out remaindering her that humility is important.

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Have you tried a more direct approach?
 

"Honey, it's great! But now it's time to talk about how brilliant my own kids are!" or "Yup, they're terrific kids. But Anna there has something she's just bursting to say, let's let her have a turn" or "I am so tired of talking about my kids today, I'm just all kid-ded out. Did you guys all see that latest episode of...?"

 

Alternatively, jump in whenever she takes a breath and, without the prelude, forcibly change the subject. She may notice. She may not. It's entirely possible she's following a different set of conversational norms than you are anyway. The trick to dealing with people like this, in situations like this (coming from somebody who does just this!) is to develop an extremely thick skin and charge blithely on ahead.

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She maybe has ADHD, Aspergers, or both. Feel some kindness toward her if you can.

 

I have both cited conditions. In my mid-twenties, social nervousness led me to excessive talking and -- yes -- bragging about myself. My very patient husband helped me to recognize my weaknesses and to improve my social behaviour.

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Seconding the suggestion of being direct. If she really just can't pick up on subtle body language and other cues, then she needs your help. Not getting social cues is a disability. I'm sure you wouldn't avoid this person if she had a physical disability (eg needed help to walk up the stairs) so please don't shun her if she has a neurodevelopmental disability. Take her aside and tell her straight up. As an ASD adult with social skill deficits, I would really appreciate if somebody gently pointed out (in private) what I was doing wrong in a group situation.

 

If she is acting that way more out of insecurity or nervousness, you might find that if you walk the extra mile as far as helping her to feel included in the group, she will automatically become less annoying as she starts to feel more comfortable. 

 

Of course, it's always possible that she is simply a self-centered person who thinks her kids are better and more important than yours, in which case no amount of kindness on your part is likely to help. But hey, if you make a concerted effort to be nice to her and her conversation doesn't improve, you can always avoid talking to her then!

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Thanks ladies for your comments.  I hadn't thought that she could have a mild disability that would effect her socially.  When I view her from that perspective, some things make more sense.  I will try out the above suggestions in private and gently.  I sincerely want to help her.

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Ugh. I know how you feel. One of the other support staff at work is like this. She'll start talking and doesn't pick up that I don't really want to stand there for 15 minutes chatting. I'll start walking from her desk and she keeps on going. In fact, she'll continue as you actually walk away from her. When I started this job, I'd stand there and let her talk. People noticed I was trapped and several have told me that I need to just walk away, even if she's talking. She just doesn't get it. So, my new current strategies are to not make eye contact if I have to pass her desk, or, if she starts in on me as I'm passing, just smile nicely and keep walking. This always makes me feel bad, but once she even told me, "I just talk and talk, so don't mind me!" So, I don't! LOL

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Arrgh.  If we belonged to a co-op, I would assume I was the social skill-less person you are talking about. I try not to be, but talking in public makes me so nervous that I tend to babble.  And talking about my kids is one of the few conversation topics that I know anything about!

 

 

Best thing to do, I think is to just avoid me.  Seriously.  I will find someone else to annoy.  If I repeat myself (I do that alot), just politely say "You've mentioned that before." and disengage.

 

This is me.

I've been this way since I was born (ADD and socially awkward-- I have an Aspie dd and I may be one too!)

I try HARD to be 'normal/vanilla' in social situations-- but due to criticism (disguised as 'love') by some (obviously annoyed) associates and relatives I find myself withdrawing and becoming more of an introvert. 

 

If I annoy you, just excuse yourself and walk away. 

My true friends know me and accept me.  They naturally redirect me and we have some great, meaningful conversations! 

 

Please dont try to FIX me.  I'm not broken.

 

---

Funny, I just re-read my post and realized that it could have been written by so many different types/flavors of people with all sorts of issues that do not conform to what society dictates as proper 'vanilla' behavior.

 

I prefer chocolate anyways.

 

When I'm arround someone else like me I try to be polite-- I realize they might be tired or stressed too.  If I have time I patiently listen and gently try to redirect.  If I don't have time (or if I just plain dont want to deal with it) I just excuse myself and let it go.  I do NOT judge the 'offender' and I do not try to fix her.

 

 

 

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This is me.

I've been this way since I was born.

I try HARD to be 'normal/vanilla' in social situations-- but due to criticism (disguised as 'love') by some (obviously annoyed) associates and relatives I find myself withdrawing and becoming more of an introvert. 

 

If I annoy you, just excuse yourself and walk away. 

My true friends know me and accept me.  They naturally redirect me and we have some great, meaningful conversations! 

 

Please dont try to FIX me.  I'm not broken.

 

---

Funny, I just re-read my post and realized that it could have been written by so many different types/flavors of people with all sorts of issues that do not conform to what society dictates as proper 'vanilla' behavior.

 

I prefer chocolate anyways.

 

When I'm arround someone else like me I try to be polite-- I realize they might be tired or stressed too.  If I have time I patiently listen and gently try to redirect.  If I don't have time (or if I just plain dont want to deal with it) I just excuse myself and let it go.  I do NOT judge the 'offender' and I do not try to fix her.

 

This is always part of my dilemma. I read these threads and I think of a few friends I have, and I think about the range of responses on these kinds of threads. Some people say, "Just tell me. I'd want to know if I was annoying you and I don't read subtle cues at all." And some people say the equivalent of, "Don't try to fix me, I am who I am. Just excuse yourself and walk away if it's too irritating." But then I also think of the people who lament that they don't seem to have any people who want to hang out with them or become closer friends, and I wonder if there are things people should be telling them about themselves but instead are just walking away and letting it go.

 

I've known plenty of people who do things like the OP is talking about. I always want to be a good friend, and they're not bad people, but there's only so many times I can listen to the same story, or listen to someone tell the same story three different times in one ongoing tale without allowing any interruptions or feedback before I no longer want to talk to that person at all. I don't want to be insensitive or impatient or a bad friend, but if I can't ever effect a change in the dynamic, then the only other option is to sort of end the friendship. Isn't it? And no one wants to be left wondering, "Why doesn't anyone want to sit and talk to me?"

 

Am I making any sense? I hope I am. These are the kinds of things I think about when I read these kinds of threads AND the ones on friendship/why am I having a hard time making friends/why have my friends all drifted away. I'm never sure what to do.

 

(Edited because I wasn't expressing myself well at all.)

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I'm an extremely socially awkward person. The difference being that I don't babble when with people; I simply don't talk.

 

If you happened to look around during a lull in your conversation and you happened to notice someone trying desperately to blend in with the nearest potted plant, that's me.

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I'm an extremely socially awkward person. The difference being that I don't babble when with people; I simply don't talk.

 

If you happened to look around during a lull in your conversation and you happened to notice someone trying desperately to blend in with the nearest potted plant, that's me.

 

You are the one I would totally talk to :D

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Arrgh.  If we belonged to a co-op, I would assume I was the social skill-less person you are talking about. I try not to be, but talking in public makes me so nervous that I tend to babble.  And talking about my kids is one of the few conversation topics that I know anything about!

 

Oh heavens, this happens to me when I have coffee. I get these adrenaline rushes and you can't shut me up. And I talk REALLY fast, but I don't realize it until later. It reminds me of the Friends episode where Ross is trying to talk up the pizza delivery girl so he can get her number, and he ends up talking about natural gas and how they add the smell to it for safety reasons. After she leaves, he's like, "Was I talking about...gas?!"

 

Totally BTDT.

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This is always part of my dilemma. I read these threads and I think of a few friends I have, and I think about the range of responses on these kinds of threads. Some people say, "Just tell me. I'd want to know if I was annoying you and I don't read subtle cues at all." And some people say the equivalent of, "Don't try to fix me, I am who I am. Just excuse yourself and walk away if it's too irritating." But then I also think of the people who lament that they don't seem to have any people who want to hang out with them or become closer friends, and I wonder if there are things people should be telling them about themselves but instead are just walking away and letting it go.

 

 

OK, just a couple of thoughts on this:

 

1. I am thinking that there's a sort of spectrum of 'issues' you might see in somebody's behavior or conversation. At one end, there is stuff that causes major problems because it's seriously disruptive, hurtful, disrespectful etc. For those things, I don't expect a free pass just because I'm a little bit Aspie. Lack of social skills is never an excuse for being mean to anyone. At the other end of this hypothetical 'behavioral issue spectrum' would be stuff that isn't ideal for you but really doesn't do any harm. That's where I would defend my right to be 'quirky' or 'different' without you expecting me to pretend to be exactly like you. Somewhere in between those extremes is the cut-off point beyond which you should address the issue with the person. 

 

2. Yes, people want to be valued for who they are, but I still believe that most people would generally rather be told about a problem. In most situations, there should be a way to tell the person without demanding that they change. Simply let them know that others might perceive the way they present as annoying, disconcerting, or whatever the case may be, but leave the decision about whether to change up to the person. The vibe you'd give is 'Hey, it's totally up to you, but you just might want to know that people tend to react like this if you act like that'. I might sometimes choose to 'be myself' even though I know it doesn't look quite normal. But I don't like to do it unintentionally. Or to put it another way, whenever I don't behave as expected, I want that to be because I made a conscious decision not to, as opposed to because I didn't know how to. Is that clear as mud?

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Oh heavens, this happens to me when I have coffee. I get these adrenaline rushes and you can't shut me up. And I talk REALLY fast, but I don't realize it until later. It reminds me of the Friends episode where Ross is trying to talk up the pizza delivery girl so he can get her number, and he ends up talking about natural gas and how they add the smell to it for safety reasons. After she leaves, he's like, "Was I talking about...gas?!"

 

Totally BTDT.

 

:lol:

 

Yep, me too!  And I have a FANTASTIC friend that always offers me coffee, even if I've had my quota and am already speed-talking about nonsense.

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This is always part of my dilemma. I read these threads and I think of a few friends I have, and I think about the range of responses on these kinds of threads. Some people say, "Just tell me. I'd want to know if I was annoying you and I don't read subtle cues at all." And some people say the equivalent of, "Don't try to fix me, I am who I am. Just excuse yourself and walk away if it's too irritating." But then I also think of the people who lament that they don't seem to have any people who want to hang out with them or become closer friends, and I wonder if there are things people should be telling them about themselves but instead are just walking away and letting it go.

This is a dilemma for me, too. I have a friend who is a non-stop chatterbox. I think it makes her nervous whenever there's a lull in the conversation and she rushes to fill the silence. For me, being a slow responder - I'm thinking and analyzing the conversation - it ends up that I never get a word in edgewise. It does bug me, but I don't think I could ever point out that she does this. It would hurt her and probably increase whatever social anxiety she already has.

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See-- to me the issue is that being ADD/ADHD and possibly an Aspie is that my mind is constantly running 1000mph.  Sometimes it is extremely hard to hold focus in a conversation.  It does make me awkward in social situations.

 

It is nothing I can just stop doing.  You can't practice ADD/Aspergers away! 

 

As an adult I've learned to cope/adapt.  I'm aware that I annoy some people.  I try to NOT annoy them. I try to be 'normal'-- On good days I feel I can have a good 2-way conversation (with LOTS of effort)--but (especially if I'm stressed in any way) sometimes I'm just, well, me. 

 

--leaving it up to me to 'change'-- laughable! 

 

Don't think for a minute I actally LIKE being this way (yes, like Ross from the Friends eppisode I replay my terrible conversations in my head and want to kick myself-- Yea! more social anxiety!)

 

 

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See-- to me the issue is that being ADD/ADHD and possibly an Aspie is that my mind is constantly running 1000mph.  Sometimes it is extremely hard to hold focus in a conversation.  It does make me awkward in social situations.

 

It is nothing I can just stop doing.  You can't practice ADD/Aspergers away! 

 

As an adult I've learned to cope/adapt.  I'm aware that I annoy some people.  I try to NOT annoy them. I try to be 'normal'-- On good days I feel I can have a good 2-way conversation (with LOTS of effort)--but (especially if I'm stressed in any way) sometimes I'm just, well, me. 

 

--leaving it up to me to 'change'-- laughable! 

 

Don't think for a minute I actally LIKE being this way (yes, like Ross from the Friends eppisode I replay my terrible conversations in my head and want to kick myself-- Yea! more social anxiety!)

 

Obviously everyone is different (even aspie people) and I recognize the intrinsic truth of your personal knowledge and experience. Also I am sorry if you have had people putting unrealistic expectations on you socially.

 

Having said that, I find I do have a choice about how to behave in many social situations.

 

For example, my 'natural' tendency is to speak to the purpose, and small talk often annoys me, so if I didn't make an effort, I would be walking up to strangers and telling them what I want from them immediately. However because I know that this would come across as rude, I can choose to employ the socially accepted method of approaching people, therefore instead of accosting a shop assistant with "Where are the so-and-so's and do you have one with an extra widget?" I can open with something like "Excuse me... Hi, how are you? I wonder if you can help me... "

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See-- to me the issue is that being ADD/ADHD and possibly an Aspie is that my mind is constantly running 1000mph.  Sometimes it is extremely hard to hold focus in a conversation.  It does make me awkward in social situations.

 

It is nothing I can just stop doing.  You can't practice ADD/Aspergers away! 

 

As an adult I've learned to cope/adapt.  I'm aware that I annoy some people.  I try to NOT annoy them. I try to be 'normal'-- On good days I feel I can have a good 2-way conversation (with LOTS of effort)--but (especially if I'm stressed in any way) sometimes I'm just, well, me. 

 

--leaving it up to me to 'change'-- laughable! 

 

Don't think for a minute I actally LIKE being this way (yes, like Ross from the Friends eppisode I replay my terrible conversations in my head and want to kick myself-- Yea! more social anxiety!)

 

Yeah, I hear you. I'm pretty sure I have ADD as well (not formally diagnosed but every test I've taken and book I've read describes me to a T *sigh*). My brain runs 1000 miles an hour too, though it's usually running AWAY from a conversation!

 

Here's a story that will make you feel better (that I will probably delete later because it still horrifies me and I'm trying to pretend it never happened). A year or so ago, we had family in town for a funeral--my cousin's FIL had passed away after a long illness. Afterward we were sitting around the table, and I was tired, and we were all relaxing after all the stress of the gathering, and yes, I'd probably had coffee, and once or twice a year I seem to like to really put my foot in my mouth (or up my @$$, in this case). So we ended up talking about pets, and I was telling what turned out to be a long, wandering story about hamsters my friend and I had in college, and how they'd developed these congenital brain tumors, and how they'd bitten a roommate and she took one to the health department to make sure it didn't have rabies, because apparently they can do these tiny autopsies...on and on and on. And some point I realized in horror that my cousin-in-law's father had just died after a long and horrible bout with...you guessed it...a brain tumor. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me right there. Later that night, I said to my DH, "WHY didn't you stop me?!!! Kick me! Change the subject! Something!!!" And he was like, "Oh, yeah, that was pretty bad."   :glare:  Oh, thanks so much. 

 

That still haunts me. It's one of those things my brain dredges up when I'm in a "You're a horrible person!" mood. But that's the kind of thing my mouth does when the autopilot gets turned on somehow. I really think we all do it. I think we just each think we're the only ones who do it quite so badly. (Though in my last case, I set the bar pretty high  :scared: )

 

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This is a dilemma for me, too. I have a friend who is a non-stop chatterbox. I think it makes her nervous whenever there's a lull in the conversation and she rushes to fill the silence. For me, being a slow responder - I'm thinking and analyzing the conversation - it ends up that I never get a word in edgewise. It does bug me, but I don't think I could ever point out that she does this. It would hurt her and probably increase whatever social anxiety she already has.

 

I've caught myself doing that too. Later I realize that I feel like I talked THE ENTIRE TIME we were together. IIRC, the subconscious feeling is that the other person is bored with the conversation and drifting away mentally, and if you just say enough stuff you will manage to engage the other person's attention somehow and they won't be so bored. Does that make sense? We don't even realize when we're doing it. It's later that we're like, "Dang, my throat hurts from talking. Did Jane even talk at all? DID I MONOPOLIZE THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION?!"

 

I'm trying to be more aware of it.

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  • 7 years later...

I’m 52 and Mom is 72. In the last 5 or so years I’ve been battling with severe depression and suicidal ideation which I sought treatment for. All my life she has missed my cries for help. I’ve dropped subtle hints and made some signs very visible. Now as an adult we talk about my childhood and adolescent issues so my mental issues are out in the open. and then the suicidal thoughts come back and I do everything to give the hints and clues because I don’t like to say, Ummmmm I feel like killing myself today…. She can’t pick up on basic key words like end it and give up. I then discuss the shootings and war and I’ll get the awkward extended silence like she can care less. She dismisses and goes to next topic of HER choice. Like so opposite like… I’m making hamburgers now and there’s a sale on bedsheets at the store. Then days later she’ll ask what have you been up to? Amazing, I wish I had this lake of emotion. I’ll get so frustrated about this makes me want to scream. 
my sister has a high position job and she cannot even text effectively anymore. I’ll text a couple sentences and she’ll answer yes or no or yep. Sometimes I get a 👍on a picture every once in a while. She does not engage. No empathy, no reactions. Flatline. 
Us empathizers and communicaters seem to be getting extinct anymore. Makes me scared for todays youth that can only communicate by text. 

Edited by Lisachristine
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23 minutes ago, Lisachristine said:

I’m 52 and Mom is 72. In the last 5 or so years I’ve been battling with severe depression and suicidal ideation which I sought treatment for. All my life she has missed my cries for help. I’ve dropped subtle hints and made some signs very visible. Now as an adult we talk about my childhood and adolescent issues so my mental issues are out in the open. and then the suicidal thoughts come back and I do everything to give the hints and clues because I don’t like to say, Ummmmm I feel like killing myself today…. She can’t pick up on basic key words like end it and give up. I then discuss the shootings and war and I’ll get the awkward extended silence like she can care less. She dismisses and goes to next topic of HER choice. Like so opposite like… I’m making hamburgers now and there’s a sale on bedsheets at the store. Then days later she’ll ask what have you been up to? Amazing, I wish I had this lake of emotion. I’ll get so frustrated about this makes me want to scream. 
my sister has a high position job and she cannot even text effectively anymore. I’ll text a couple sentences and she’ll answer yes or no or yep. Sometimes I get a 👍on a picture every once in a while. She does not engage. No empathy, no reactions. Flatline. 
Us empathizers and communicaters seem to be getting extinct anymore. Makes me scared for todays youth that can only communicate by text. 

This is a homeschooling board. We are not qualified to help you.

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