8th grade persuasive paper, please give opinions on 1st & final

[Jennipher]

Hi everyone!  The following paper was written as a Jump In persuasive essay.  My daughter is 14.5 and has autism.  She tends to get very emotionally attached to her writing so it is difficult for me to give feed back. I also struggle because I have a degree in English; I am not sure if I am expecting too much from her.

 

For her first draft I told her that I loved her specific supporting details and that she had a good thesis and good points.  I felt she followed directions and had written a paper that stuck to the topic and supported her opinion.  I asked her to reorder some of her overview sentences (thesis & conclusion) so that when she lists her points they go in the same order as the order of her supporting paragraphs.  I also mentioned that she could look up specific quotes and information to give more authority to her statements.  As for mechanics, I did mark all of them.  I asked her to remove specific commas, use exclamation points less frequently and to indent her paragraphs.  I also taught her how to double space, the rules for em dashes, and when to use italics and quotes.  Was I expecting too much?  

 

Here is her 1st draft:

 

Bouncing balls and stealthy assassinations; what do these two things have in common? They're both video games! Video games have a wide range of topics, genres, ideas, and gameplay. Although some call video games bad. "They'll rot your brain out!" and "It will damage your eyes!"  are some of the most common claims. Some even say that video games will make children more violent and want to use guns! Yet, that does not happen often, and video games tend to do more good than harm. Video games can heal, promote confidence and courage, and even teach valuable lessons and history!

In Assassin's Creed, you take control of a member of the Assassin order, and in order to complete your missions, you must participate in famous time periods and battles in history! For example, in Assassin's Creed 2, you take control of an Italian Assassin. You can explore cities like Venice, and meet famous historical figures, most notably, Leonardo Di Vinci. And in Assassin's Creed 3, you get to participate in the Shot Heard Round the World, and the Battle of Bunker Hill! Being a part of history, and getting to participate in it helps with memorization, and encourages an interest in history. Although some games encourage other good qualities.

 

Some games require fast reaction times in order to survive and progress. One of the more well known games, famous for their "Quick Time Events" as it is called, is Telltale Games "The Walking Dead". Quick time events require the player to react very quickly to what happens in game, for example, in the Walking Dead a zombie may grab your character's leg. You need to repeatedly press a button then quickly press another button, or even quickly click on something to protect yourself from said zombie. That requires very fast reaction time in order to survive, and by practicing that reaction time in a video game, it will strengthen reaction times for real life! Who knows, someone who has played tons of Quick Time Event games may be able to dodge an incoming car better then someone who doesn't have their reaction time well trained. But in order to respond quickly in the face of danger, or zombies, someone must be fast as well as courageous.

 

One of the most important and amazing traits video games have, is the fact they can heal, give confidence, and give people a chance to feel like a hero. In The Legend of Zelda series, you play as a boy named Link. He has a magical power which manifests itself as a set of three triangles on his hand. This magical power is called the gift of courage. It allows Link, and the player, to fearlessly enter dungeons, wield swords no one else can touch, and to battle great evil. People who may feel worthless or are bullied because they are weak can be healed by playing games like this. It gives them a sense of purpose and  courage which is hard to obtain.  I can speak from experience.  I used to be very shy and frightened by speaking to anyone I didn't know very well. I started playing Legend of Zelda, and somehow, as if I was given a magical power as well, I quickly became more confident. I felt good about myself and even started speaking to people I had never met before. Video Games were my therapy. I lost myself in the worlds and the stories of the games, and that alone was something that I would never want to lose.

 

Stories can be some of the most powerful things. Especially in video games.  Stories allow us to become heroes, to participate in things we never could get the chance to be in, to learn from sources we trust. Video games can do all of those things, and even more than that. That is why video games are not bad. They are good, and can do wonderful things to some people who just need a little time to feel heroic, who want to learn, who want to just lose themselves in a different land for a little bit. Video games are amazing, and if you found the right one, I think you would believe so as well. I hope you can finally see what amazing things Video Games can do, and can tell others about what good they really can do. Well, time for me to go watch the Declaration of Independence being signed, see you later!

 

When she brought me the final version I mentioned that I liked her rewording and gave her an A on content.  I noticed that she left quite a few commas and exclamation points.  Plus she did not indent her paragraphs.  Still, I gave her a 90% of mechanics (honestly because I wasn't sure if I was expecting too much from her at her age and I wanted to err on the side of caution to avoid tears.)  Was I too generous? What grades would you have given for content and mechanics.

 

Here is her final version:

 

Bouncing balls and stealthy assassinations--what do these two things have in common? They're both video games! Video games have a wide range of topics, genres, ideas, and gameplay. Some call video games bad. "They'll rot your brain out!" and "It will damage your eyes!"  are some of the most common claims. A few parents and critics even say that video games will make children more violent and want to use guns! Yet that does not happen often. In fact, video games tend to do more good than harm. Video games can teach history and valuable skills, and even heal and give others courage.

 

 

In Assassin's Creed, you take control of a member of the Assassin Order, and in order to complete your missions, you must explore famous time periods and participate in historical battles. Being a part of history, and getting to participate in it helps with memorization, and encourages an interest in history.   For example, in Assassin's Creed 2, you take control of an Italian Assassin. You can explore cities like Venice and meet famous historical figures, most notably, Leonardo Di Vinci. And in Assassin's Creed 3, you get to participate in the event known as "The Shot Heard Round the World" and the Battle of Bunker Hill! Being a part of history, and getting to participate in it helps with memorization, and encourages an interest in history. In addition to having educational benefits, some games encourage the development of other good qualities.

 

Some games require fast reaction times in order to survive and progress. One of the more well known games, famous for their "Quick Time Events" as it is called, is Telltale Games The Walking Dead. Quick time events require the player to react very quickly to what happens in game, for example, in The Walking Dead, a zombie may grab your character's leg. You need to repeatedly press a button then quickly press another button, or even quickly click on something to protect yourself from said zombie. That requires very fast reaction time in order to survive, and by practicing that reaction time in a video game, players will strengthen their reaction times for real life! It is possible that someone who has played tons of Quick Time Event games may be able to dodge an incoming car better then someone who doesn't have their reaction time well trained. But in order to respond quickly in the face of danger, or zombies, someone must be fast as well as courageous.

 

One of the most important and amazing traits video games have, is the fact they give people a chance to feel like a hero, which can increase confidence and lead to healing. In The Legend of Zelda series, you play as a boy named Link. He has a magical power which manifests itself as a set of three triangles on his hand. This magical power is called the gift of courage. It allows Link, and the player, to fearlessly enter dungeons, wield swords no one else can touch, and to battle great evil. People who may feel worthless or are bullied because they are weak can be healed by playing games like this. It gives them a sense of purpose and helps them gain courage which is hard to obtain.  I can speak from experience.  I used to be very shy and frightened by speaking to anyone I didn't know very well. I started playing The Legend of Zelda, and somehow, as if I was given a magical power as well, I quickly became more confident. I felt good about myself and even started speaking to people I had never met before. Video games were my therapy. I lost myself in the worlds and the stories of the games, trekking out into the lands filled with adventure, amazing characters, fantastic creatures, and one of a kind weapons. Those lands gave me my courage, and I would never want to give it up.

 

Stories can be powerful things--specially in video games.  Stories allow us to learn from sources we trust, to participate in things we never could get the chance, and to be in become heroes. Video games can do all of those things, and more. That is why video games are not bad. They are good, and can do wonderful things for people who want to learn, who want to just lose themselves in a different land for a little bit, and who just need a little time to feel heroic. Video games are amazing, and if you found the right one, I think you would believe so as well. I hope once you finally see what amazing things video games can do, you will tell others about what good they really can do. Well, time for me to go watch the Declaration of Independence being signed, see you later!

 

I really appreciate you taking the time to review these.  Thank you so much!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I like her voice.  I can tell that she really likes the video games and has thought a lot about the topic.  Her second sentence bothers me.  I was trying to figure out what it was and realized that she doesn't mean that bouncing balls and stealthy assassinations are names of video games but are part of video games.  Did she do any reading on video games and the pros and cons?  In a future essay it would be helpful if she had some quotes to support what she says, especially if it is something said as a fact.  For example, her paragraph on reaction times would have been helped if she had a study to back up her claim.  

 

 

[Goldilocks]

I can understand her use of exclamation marks... She is excited about the topic!