Need help thinking this through- dd quitting dance

[Lawana]

Deleted for the illusion of privacy;)

[plansrme]

You do not explain; you just say good-bye with an email that says, "Suzy is withdrawing from classes and from the competitive program effective immediately.  Thank you for your investment in her over the past 10 years."  I have broken up with three gyms and a swim team using exactly this approach.

 

As for whether dropping out is the right thing to do, I worry about quitting outside activities so that she can spend more time being depressed with a depressed boyfriend, but that wasn't the question.  Not that that usually stops anyone around here.  

 

ETA:  If you're feeling really peevish, you can add, "She will be in on Tuesday to clean out her locker and say good-bye to the girls."  Leaving unsaid that she is not at all concerned about saying good-bye to the teachers.  If the girls are little witches, you can include that she will say good-bye to "some of the girls," or, "Of course, she will miss some of the girls, but we feel that this is the best decision for her at this time."

[bettyandbob]

do you have a studio contract? 

 

Some studios around here require a month notice. What does your studio contract say specifically.

 

If a month notice is required by the first of the month, I'd give notice now, pay for February and be done. Your probably on the hook for cleaning in February even though your dd probably won't go. 

 

My dd is in a preprofessional program. Contracts are by the year for her. So, if my dd quit, I'd still be required to pay the rest of the year (through June). 

[Lawana]

You do not explain; you just say good-bye with an email that says, "Suzy is withdrawing from classes and from the competitive program effective immediately. Thank you for your investment in her over the past 10 years." I have broken up with three gyms and a swim team using exactly this approach.

 

As for whether dropping out is the right thing to do, I worry about quitting outside activities so that she can spend more time being depressed with a depressed boyfriend, but that wasn't the question. Not that that usually stops anyone around here.

 

ETA: If you're feeling really peevish, you can add, "She will be in on Tuesday to clean out her locker and say good-bye to the girls." Leaving unsaid that she is not at all concerned about saying good-bye to the teachers. If the girls are little witches, you can include that she will say good-bye to "some of the girls," or, "Of course, she will miss some of the girls, but we feel that this is the best decision for her at this time."

Thank you. I had thought going in person would be the honorable thing. But it would almost certainly lead to questions, and attempts at explanations.

 

About the quitting. At this point, with all we have been through with dd, I have no idea what is the right, reasonable, helpful, healthful thing any more.

[Lawana]

do you have a studio contract?

 

Some studios around here require a month notice. What does your studio contract say specifically.

 

If a month notice is required by the first of the month, I'd give notice now, pay for February and be done. Your probably on the hook for cleaning in February even though your dd probably won't go.

 

My dd is in a preprofessional program. Contracts are by the year for her. So, if my dd quit, I'd still be required to pay the rest of the year (through June).

No contract. They want a month's notice. But we have paid them for costumes that will not be received. We will have to sort that out.

[GinaPagnato]

A big consideration for me would be whether DD dropping out suddenly would adversely affect the other dancers. Is this the sort of thing where they rely on her to be there to do her thing, and without her they're stuck? I don't mean to say that you *shouldn't* drop the classes if you've all decided this is the best thing for her. But, the answer to that would influence how I would let them know. If the situation is as I described, then I would feel that a more clear explanation with a few reasons is important. If they've invested in her and she took a position that could have been offered to others, then I think the school is owed some degree of explanation.

 

If not, then say the bare minimum and leave.

[bettyandbob]

No contract. They want a month's notice. But we have paid them for costumes that will not be received. We will have to sort that out.

 

I think it's highly unlikely you will get money back. But if you paid for the costume I would make it very clear that you expect to still get it. 

 

I know it sounds weird to insist, but since it's paid for I'd want it. I have friends who have sold costumes on ebay. Perhaps your dd will do a low key dance club in college and want a costume. Perhaps they can be repurposed for cosplay. Obviously, I have no idea what the costumes look like, I just think if you paid and it's nonrefundable than you get the thing. 

 

 

ETA all in balance. Sometimes it can be best to just completely walk away with nothing because getting what you paid for can cost too much mentally. 

[Annie G]

After checking any contract you have signed, I agree that a quick, non confrontational email is the way to end this relationship.  

 

The owner shouldn't have been so angry with your dd, but it also seems like dd was already considering quitting. And maybe you thought the class load would keep her engaged and active when in fact it might have just been too much for her to deal with along with the anxiety and depression.  

 

Anxiety and depression are difficult things- some people improve with lots of activity while others get overwhelmed.  DD stopped almost everything until she felt she had her anxiety under control but a dear friend of hers had success with overloading her daily schedule. Different strokes for different folks. 

 

In other words, yes, the owner was a snot, but there are other factors at play and it just sounds like her interaction with dd was the final straw. 

 

Did the owner know dd's struggling with depression and anxiety?  If so, shame on her for not being more in touch before dd missed so many classes. And for not trying to make it work. But on the other hand, she has a business to run and she might have just thought dd was losing focus and getting lazy towards her dance commitment.  Either way, it's not worth getting into a confrontation with her about it. If you can walk away, dd will surely have less stress to deal with. 

[chocolatechip]

If she signed a commitment for the competitive teams, is that something she can get out of? 

 

Otherwise, I would say that it sounds like a very unsupportive, toxic environment and you should not feel bad about leaving.  :grouphug:

[JumpyTheFrog]

Is there another studio she can switch to? It sounds like she still likes dancing, just not an unpleasant environment where the teachers seem to expect the same committment as someone who is pre-professional.

[maize]

Is there another studio she can switch to? It sounds like she still likes dancing, just not an unpleasant environment where the teachers seem to expect the same committment as someone who is pre-professional.

 

This is what I am wondering. Another dance studio, or horses again, or something...

 

I would be really hesitant to pull a depressed teenager out of an activity that has been this intense and meaningful to her without a plan in place to at least partially fill the void. Lots more time being depressed at home and visiting with depressed boyfriend just doesn't seem healthy...

[kroe1]

If the choreography for the classes is complete, I would make her suck it up and finish the season. But, It sounds like you guys have already made a decision, otherwise. Just send the email as the first poster suggested. Do not expect any money back on the costumes, however. Most of the costume companies have non-refundable policies.

 

For the record, you were not paid enough for the cleaning, in my opinion. Three hours a week would get about $90 around here if you were using your own supplies. You were a really nice mom to do that for her.

 

Finally, do you have another option ready to keep her active and physically fit?

[hornblower]

I think I would want to explain but I think it's wiser to just say, "thank you, but no thank  you" and walk away.

I think however that i would insist that dd find another set of recreational classes immediately. Something fun & completely non competitive in a supportive environment. But she needs something so she doesn't just cold turkey stop, kwim? I would call around & find other schools & if talking to ballet & jazz teachers, specifically say this "my kid is burned out emotionally, is not going into dance professionally, and just needs to dance & move & love her body. Can you do that? Are you sure?" & try to find some wise soul who knows how joyous dance is supposed to be.

Or get her into bellydancing or bollywood or something completely different, kwim? 

[Lawana]

Dd is overwhelmed. She has more going on than she can comfortably handle. And it is not much by most people's standard. But she is easily overwhelmed. I am concerned that it is her only physical outlet right now. She will need to find another form of exercise.

[FriedClams]

At 18 and a senior, is have her handle it. It was get decision. She is an adult. She can meet with them and/or email. I'd give it to her.

[hornblower]

At 18 and a senior, is have her handle it. It was get decision. She is an adult. She can meet with them and/or email. I'd give it to her.

 

I disagree since she is someone suffering from depression & anxiety. It can be extremely difficult & I'd do it for her or with her as necessary without blinking...

[maize]

I disagree since she is someone suffering from depression & anxiety. It can be extremely difficult & I'd do it for her or with her as necessary without blinking...

I agree. She needs plenty of support right now.

[ikslo]

My initial reaction to your daughter's story was that she has a toxic boyfriend who may very well be feeling like he has to compete with her dancing for her time, and thus is sabotaging her feelings toward dance.  At any rate, a depressed teen should not be romantically involved with another depressed teen, IMO.

 

But to your question - I agree with the PP - it should be her responsibility to quit if that's really what she wants to do. 

 

I'm just thinking it will result in her spending more time with him, and once she no longer has the outlet for her own personal expression/escape, her depression could worsen?

[Tess in the Burbs]

my experience when things go south...nothing you say will sway their feelings/actions/behavior at this point.  Best thing is to just say she has to leave and apologize for cutting out in the middle of the year.  She won't be the first or last to experience this situation.  

 

It might help to write out all you feel.  Your emotions about this are going to be harder to let go.  Write it out.  burn it.  But get it all out and try to move on.  

 

((HUGS)) to her.  My child had issues with a coach previously and still has emotional issues due to that situation.  We try not to talk about or she gets so upset.  I suspect she really needs some counseling to get over the mean things they said.  So hopefully your daughter is old enough to understand people get emotional about things and take it out on people and that it's not right to do this!

[mom2scouts]

Wow, that's a tough one.  When you audition to be on a competition team at most studios, you are saying that you are serious about dance and committed to the team.  Quitting the team this close to competition season will hurt the other dancers on the team because the dance will need to be re-blocked and everyone needs to relearn the dance.  At our studio, they would not be happy that she missed so many classes and she would probably be thrown off the team if she didn't make them up or pay for privates within a reasonable period of time.  No matter what, this is going to end badly.  The teachers and other competition dancers already know that she's not committed to their team.  It might be worth it to cut your losses, tell them she has some health issues (depression), and walk away from dance.

[Lawana]

I think I would want to explain but I think it's wiser to just say, "thank you, but no thank you" and walk away.

 

I think however that i would insist that dd find another set of recreational classes immediately. Something fun & completely non competitive in a supportive environment. But she needs something so she doesn't just cold turkey stop, kwim? I would call around & find other schools & if talking to ballet & jazz teachers, specifically say this "my kid is burned out emotionally, is not going into dance professionally, and just needs to dance & move & love her body. Can you do that? Are you sure?" & try to find some wise soul who knows how joyous dance is supposed to be.

 

 

Or get her into bellydancing or bollywood or something completely different, kwim?

I love how you said this. Thank you very much.

[Lawana]

My initial reaction to your daughter's story was that she has a toxic boyfriend who may very well be feeling like he has to compete with her dancing for her time, and thus is sabotaging her feelings toward dance. At any rate, a depressed teen should not be romantically involved with another depressed teen, IMO.

 

But to your question - I agree with the PP - it should be her responsibility to quit if that's really what she wants to do.

 

I'm just thinking it will result in her spending more time with him, and once she no longer has the outlet for her own personal expression/escape, her depression could worsen?

Lol

As much as I agree with the idea of two depressed teens not being romantically involved, there is no way to force her to end the relationship without causing more problems than it would solve.

 

She is not in a position to handle the dance situation herself. We walk a tightrope trying to hold on enough for her to feel supported, while gently prodding her to take some appropriate responsibility.

Dealing with critical people is a huge trigger for her.

[Lawana]

my experience when things go south...nothing you say will sway their feelings/actions/behavior at this point. Best thing is to just say she has to leave and apologize for cutting out in the middle of the year. She won't be the first or last to experience this situation.

 

It might help to write out all you feel. Your emotions about this are going to be harder to let go. Write it out. burn it. But get it all out and try to move on.

 

((HUGS)) to her. My child had issues with a coach previously and still has emotional issues due to that situation. We try not to talk about or she gets so upset. I suspect she really needs some counseling to get over the mean things they said. So hopefully your daughter is old enough to understand people get emotional about things and take it out on people and that it's not right to do this!

Thank you. One of the reasons I posted this was to help me process my feelings.

[Lawana]

This is what I am wondering. Another dance studio, or horses again, or something...

 

I would be really hesitant to pull a depressed teenager out of an activity that has been this intense and meaningful to her without a plan in place to at least partially fill the void. Lots more time being depressed at home and visiting with depressed boyfriend just doesn't seem healthy...

I think you are probably right.

[Lawana]

If the choreography for the classes is complete, I would make her suck it up and finish the season. But, It sounds like you guys have already made a decision, otherwise. Just send the email as the first poster suggested. Do not expect any money back on the costumes, however. Most of the costume companies have non-refundable policies.

 

For the record, you were not paid enough for the cleaning, in my opinion. Three hours a week would get about $90 around here if you were using your own supplies. You were a really nice mom to do that for her.

 

Finally, do you have another option ready to keep her active and physically fit?

The choreography is not complete, but it will have to be altered to go from 4 dancers to 3. I am not going to insist she stay in a situation that is unhealthy for her, even though it means they will have to redo some of the choreography.

 

Prior to the encounter last week, I was urging her to honor her commitment. What was said to her changed that.

 

Wages around here tend to be pretty low, so I think my compensation is in line with local expectations. The owners are so weird about communication that I have no idea if they are happy or not with my work! But thanks for the recognition.

 

And yes to different exercise.

[Lady Marmalade]

Dancers quit competition teams all the time.  Dancers also get hurt and choreography has to be re-worked to exclude the hurt dancer for a competition or two, and then worked again when they are back. 

 

I wouldn't bat an eye.  If the teachers are any kind of professionals, they are used to that and should be able to deal with suddenly being short a dancer, and it would not weigh on my decision to quit.

 

My only concern would be that I would be financial ramifications.  If there isn't anything to worry about there, I would send a short e-mail and be done with it. 

 

Do you have a park and rec department?  Maybe a simple zumba or beginner yoga class a few times a week would be the way to go for a while- something completely non-stress.

[KungFuPanda]

I'd say have your daughter write a letter severing the relationship. It prevents in person confrontation, but empowers her to have her say and take responsibility for her decision. Forget about settling up the costume money. Just consider it gone. Then, give your daughter a brief break before encouraging her to make plans for herself. Whether it's dance, college, theatre, or a job, she needs something to plan and carry out that is completely separate from her boyfriend plans.

[OhanaBee]

She is not in a position to handle the dance situation herself. We walk a tightrope trying to hold on enough for her to feel supported, while gently prodding her to take some appropriate responsibility.

Dealing with critical people is a huge trigger for her.

 

I went through something similar with my dancer daughter two years ago.  At first, I wanted her to be able to handle things with her teacher [the daughter of the studio owner] herself.  Scooter intends to make dance her life and was aiming for a Dance major at a certain university.  She had also been in a major car accident, was dealing with some short-term amnesia, a messy break-up with her boyfriend [also at the dance school with her] and had just gone on meds for depression.  She could *not* deal with the situation at the studio on her own and I had to step in.  There are times when even our almost-grown children need their parents to run interference.

 

Let the school know that your daughter is done.  Period.  No explanation. No discussion.  If you want to state all that in a letter then both of you can sign it.  But let the school know you have your daughter's back on this one.

[J-rap]

First, I'm sorry for what you and your daughter are going through.

 

Then, I would not over-think it.  It's not life or death, just quit.  It's not the right thing for her right now, and she has a very good reason to quit mid-year.  Sure, it's not the way anyone would have wanted it, but that's the way it goes sometimes.  The teachers and other dancers will figure out how to deal with it.  I'd certainly do do the communicating for her if your daughter wants you to.  She needs you right now.  If it were me, I'd make it quick and to the point.  Once I let in one iota of emotion, I'm afraid I'd go overboard.  So, a quick email saying in the interest of all, she/you will be leaving the studio as of February 1.  (Let them think what they want... heh heh...)

 

But as others have said, I'd have something immediately (or ASAP) for her to step into.  Not competitive and stressful, but something.  Another dance class, a yoga class, meeting with a trainer at a gym, Irish step dancing.  Maybe a young children's studio would even be interested in hiring her as a part-time teacher or teacher's helper.

 

I'm sure your daughter already understands this is a big deal, so I'd not go on about what a big deal it is.  Just do it and move on, and be excited for her to try some new things.

 

I do understand, as others are saying, that it's a commitment and we need to teach our children to keep them.  I feel that pretty strongly too, but also believe that there are times when you have to bow out.

 

Good luck to you and your daughter, and I hope that this unplanned change will bring some unexpected positive improvements and good things in her life.

[Farrar]

So many issues...

 

I think you should handle some of this given the issues she's got going on and that she needs lots of support. BUT... I think she needs practice too. She's basically an adult. Sometimes we have to do hard things in the midst of other turmoil and depression. I think it will rob her of the opportunity to do something hard while she's still young and at home and sort of a kid. If there's ever a time to practice advocating for yourself and taking care of business in the midst of pain and problems, it's now, not a few years from now when there's inevitably some other crisis and she's out on her own more. So I'd look for a way for her to take the lead and for you to swoop in afterward. Maybe the initial breakup email should be from her but you take over and handle any correspondence afterward. Or something.