parents in children's activities again proving that they don't know how to behave...

[bettyandbob]

Maybe this is just a vent. It's not a big deal in the broad scheme of life...

 

Yesterday, dd (17) had what was for her a big audition. She is a junior in high school. The audition was for a summer program sponsored by our State DOE. It is free and students are in residence 4 weeks on college campuses in our state, studying college level material for the subject for which they were accepted. dd applied for performing arts in dance. Someone familiar with dd's ability who has recommended people for this program asked her to apply. dd is mainly a ballerina, but has many years less of study than girls her age at her studio. This is likely the only "big" audition she will ever attend and if she gets in it will be the pinnacle of her study of dance. She is not planning a professional career. 

 

That said, she was selected for the audition. She was appropriately placed in the group to audition. 

 

I also think doing things like this is important. It's important to put yourself "out there" and get used to being in front of groups, etc. 

 

I could not go. dh took her. It was a fairly large group of students from around our part of the state. I told her to have a good time. I said focus on herself. I said pay no attention to other girls "sizing you up". 

 

When she got home she told me there was no problem with other students trying to size you up. The problem was with some mothers who managed to get back in the student area before the group audition portion. There was a mother staring at dd and rolling her eyes and whispering to her dd. There were a couple other mothers giving looks too. Weird. These are big girls, young adults really. To go to this program you have to be at least a rising junior, most are rising seniors.

 

It irritates me that any parents were permitted to go to the student waiting area. Dh didn't go. He said dd didn't want him and it looked like most parents were not going, just a few. dh said the event, whole day was very disorganized and he suspects that's how the mothers ended up mixing into the student waiting area. 

 

In my many years of being a parent at many different activities I have seen many parents behaving badly to psych out other children and give their own child a leg up. It's just wrong. Not to mention, by high school I think parents should be really stepping back from children's activities anyway. 

 

If anyone is going to be playing mental games, it should be the participants not the parents. 

 

Why at this age are the mom's still inserting themselves? 

 

 

 

 

 

[Chris in VA]

ITA. I think parents just get used to being "there" in the thick of it, and don't realize there is a letting go process.

Lots of people talk about child development, but the parental role in the late teens changes, doesn't it? I don't think that we need to totally let go, but there is a bit more independence at that age, isn't there?

 

Hope it was a learning experience for your dd.

 

Aw heck--HOPE SHE GETS IN! :laugh: :hurray:

[lailasmum]

Performance is an area where the mental games are just part of it. One of the reasons I don't work in theatre any more.

[LibraryLover]

Ballet parents sometimes do that as well. So do some dancers.  It is SI auditions time. I wear ear buds as I wait.

[SparklyUnicorn]

That's bizarre.  I have never experienced that.  Both kids have been in a variety of shows where they had to try out.

 

 

[Elisabet1]

Maybe this is just a vent. It's not a big deal in the broad scheme of life...

 

Yesterday, dd (17) had what was for her a big audition. She is a junior in high school. The audition was for a summer program sponsored by our State DOE. It is free and students are in residence 4 weeks on college campuses in our state, studying college level material for the subject for which they were accepted. dd applied for performing arts in dance. Someone familiar with dd's ability who has recommended people for this program asked her to apply. dd is mainly a ballerina, but has many years less of study than girls her age at her studio. This is likely the only "big" audition she will ever attend and if she gets in it will be the pinnacle of her study of dance. She is not planning a professional career. 

 

That said, she was selected for the audition. She was appropriately placed in the group to audition. 

 

I also think doing things like this is important. It's important to put yourself "out there" and get used to being in front of groups, etc. 

 

I could not go. dh took her. It was a fairly large group of students from around our part of the state. I told her to have a good time. I said focus on herself. I said pay no attention to other girls "sizing you up". 

 

When she got home she told me there was no problem with other students trying to size you up. The problem was with some mothers who managed to get back in the student area before the group audition portion. There was a mother staring at dd and rolling her eyes and whispering to her dd. There were a couple other mothers giving looks too. Weird. These are big girls, young adults really. To go to this program you have to be at least a rising junior, most are rising seniors.

 

It irritates me that any parents were permitted to go to the student waiting area. Dh didn't go. He said dd didn't want him and it looked like most parents were not going, just a few. dh said the event, whole day was very disorganized and he suspects that's how the mothers ended up mixing into the student waiting area. 

 

In my many years of being a parent at many different activities I have seen many parents behaving badly to psych out other children and give their own child a leg up. It's just wrong. Not to mention, by high school I think parents should be really stepping back from children's activities anyway. 

 

If anyone is going to be playing mental games, it should be the participants not the parents. 

 

Why at this age are the mom's still inserting themselves? 

I found it odd when my daughter was interviewing at colleges, they kept asking to talk to the parents. It was like a group family interview. I was not always available for these interviews and worried I was hampering her chances. She actually did not get in to the two colleges where I was not available for the interview. I find it odd.

 

I think those mothers sound nasty! They sound like the ones from "dance moms."

[SparklyUnicorn]

I found it odd when my daughter was interviewing at colleges, they kept asking to talk to the parents. It was like a group family interview. I was not always available for these interviews and worried I was hampering her chances. She actually did not get in to the two colleges where I was not available for the interview. I find it odd.

 

I think those mothers sound nasty! They sound like the ones from "dance moms."

 

That is odd.  I don't see what difference it makes what the parents have to say.  They aren't the ones attending the school.  I suppose it's fair that they have any questions answered, but to be expected to be at an interview is dumb.

[GailV]

Ballet parents sometimes do that as well. So do some dancers.  It is SI auditions time. I wear ear buds as I wait.

 

Yeah, I was going to say we just had SI auditions for ballet here.  The place that ran them papered over all the windows in the studio so parents were forced to just butt out.

 

Dd does them just for the experience of doing them, by the way, as OP commented.  She's not planning a career in this.

 

My philosophy is that the eyerolls and whispers are cheap tricks that  the truly talented don't need to resort to.  Honestly, the various things that dd has been in, the really talented kids are supportive of everyone.  I suppose that's my own inner eyeroll at the eyerollers, so to speak -- adopting a pitying attitude that they are so weak they need to stoop to that.

 

Having said that, I don't wear ear buds.  I take knitting or a book, and then eavesdrop on the other parents.  It can be pretty entertaining.

[Farrar]

This is why they don't allow parents backstage at serious dance studios.

 

People. Ugh.

[Haiku]

That's awful. People need to chill.

 

At my ds's hockey games today, a parent on the opposing team was going ballistic. Examples of his ridiculous behavior:

 

"Hey, ref, you SUCK!"

 

"Are you RETARDED or something?"

 

"Throw that little asshole out of the game!"

 

"Who cares if she's a girl? HIT HER!"

 

The kids are Pee Wees (11 & 12 years old). Last year, when ds was 10, a parent on another team screamed at his kid to "take out the goalie!" (Our son is the goalie.)

 

What is wrong with people?

[Anne in CA]

Unfortunately my experience with this is that some parents will do anything to get their own child ahead. I was just at a sporting event where the other team was soooo rude it wasn't even funny. Every time our team's cheerleaders began a cheer the entire crowd of spectators from the other team began doing the same cheer and shouting them down. It was so obnoxious I couldn't believe it. I had been thinking of spending my next vacation at this town (it is a tourist town in the north state), but I think I will pick a different location. I don't want to be around those people more than I have to.Of course they screamed like banshees during all free throws, and when one of their own team was seriously hurt due to their own attempt at a very flagrant foul they could have care less. 

 

Our girls basketball team had been undefeated and lost to them, and I do believe their tactics helped their win, if you can call that a win. Our boys team beat them, barely, and the boys team usually wins by more than 20 points and had only lost one game so I do think that their tactics helped them with the boys game too, even though they didn't win that game. If my team had won such a way I would not be proud at all, but I think that is not the way everyone feels.

[shanvan]

Maybe this is just a vent. It's not a big deal in the broad scheme of life...

 

 

I could not go. dh took her. It was a fairly large group of students from around our part of the state. I told her to have a good time. I said focus on herself. I said pay no attention to other girls "sizing you up". 

 

When she got home she told me there was no problem with other students trying to size you up. The problem was with some mothers who managed to get back in the student area before the group audition portion. There was a mother staring at dd and rolling her eyes and whispering to her dd. There were a couple other mothers giving looks too. Weird. These are big girls, young adults really. To go to this program you have to be at least a rising junior, most are rising seniors.

 

It irritates me that any parents were permitted to go to the student waiting area. Dh didn't go. He said dd didn't want him and it looked like most parents were not going, just a few. dh said the event, whole day was very disorganized and he suspects that's how the mothers ended up mixing into the student waiting area. 

 

In my many years of being a parent at many different activities I have seen many parents behaving badly to psych out other children and give their own child a leg up. It's just wrong. Not to mention, by high school I think parents should be really stepping back from children's activities anyway. 

 

If anyone is going to be playing mental games, it should be the participants not the parents. 

 

Why at this age are the mom's still inserting themselves? 

Yep.  It goes on, to my amazement.  Apparently I am the most naive mother on the planet.  I first realized it when another mom I know told me that one of the other mothers at my Dd competition told her she was going to report my daughter for some imaginary thing she saw my daughter doing.  I guess it was all about my own daughter being a threat to hers.  And we didn't know she was a threat, we were just getting started and having fun with this activity.  The mother who was threatening never did it, but I almost backed Dd out of the activity completely b/c I didn't want to deal with people who are like that.  Then Ds gave me a stern talking to and told me if I take Dd out I would be doing exactly what that mother wanted and giving her Dd a leg up.  I send my husband to competitions as much as I can.  I did go to one this past weekend and Dd won the whole thing (I'm keeping this vague on purpose).  Dd told me later, she heard the mom of one of her competitors saying "I come to watch you today and you can't even get this!"  Ds was there competing too, and I asked him if maybe Dd heard wrong, or maybe the tone was different.  No, he said, she heard right and the mother was disgusted with her Dd!  I was floored.  We go so far out of our way to encourage our kids even if they don't win.  I can't imagine saying something like that, and I hope I never become that way, even though it can be disappointing when your child doesn't receive recognition or doesn't do well.  I never saw this when I was a kid, but I also did not compete in any sport or activity either, so maybe it went on and I didn't know it.

 

I'm sorry your Dd had to deal with that, but I will say I feel sort of better knowing that it goes on other places too--not really better--it's disgusting, really, but I don't feel so alone.  I've seen the stare downs and they really upset me, but they don't seem to bother my kids.  I'm not sure why, maybe its partly b/c of homeschooling and the training they have had all along about how to treat others?  Maybe b/c they have been properly socialized?  I don't know.  I suppose we could look at it like it's good training for life?

 

ETA: I never told my Dd about the threat b/c I didn't want her to look at the daughter of the woman negatively.  Now Dd is somewhat friendly with the girl, but I wonder how long that will be possible b/c the girl's mother HATES us, really hates us.  I tried to make overtures to her one day, thinking maybe I did or said something stupid at one time and that might be why she dislikes me so much.  She will not say 'hello' and will not even look at me.  She purposely ignored me when I smiles at her and said hello.  I was talking with another mom who she is friendly with too and they were both right next to me and I thought it would just be rude not to at least say hi to her.  I decided I'll just keep saying hi and she can do what she wants with it, but, wow!  All that over a kid's activity?    

[Seasider]

Dd experienced this last year - a parent being the prime trouble maker. My dd showed up on the other girls' previously unchallenged "territory." Their first tactic was to befriend - almost overdoing it - we believe it was attempt to gather info. When nothing incriminating turned up, they resorted to creating rumors. It was a horrible season for my tenderhearted girl, but I am proud of her, she never backed down. She won out over the other girl, who has suddenly become involved in other activities outside the original group. When she is around for a few classes she still takes on the same campus, she is sure to spend time showering all the other girls with news of her prowess and success in her new pursuits.

 

I took it straight to the administration, but what really put a stuck in mean Mom's spokes were other students in the class talking to their own parents and turning the tide of the rumor mill. It was healing for my daughter to see the support of her friends and to know that people who are called out for bad behavior can sometimes be put to rest.