Why do some people get under your skin? (rant)

[Katy]

I had a creepy incident with a car salesman this morning.  He texted me after a couple strange interactions this week.  We'd told him we were looking for a certain type of  car, and he harrassed me after I didn't want the first one he "found" for us. It doesn't matter, I've blocked him on my phone and I'm never going back to that car dealership in the future, but his belligerent, hostile, and manipulative manner REALLY BUG me.  I have a much lower tolerance for car-salesmen type people than other people do, I think.

 

I'm trying to figure out why.

 

What do you do when someone really gets under your skin?  My house, and generally most of my life are pretty peaceful, and except for the occasional health problems, pretty pleasant.  So why am I still shaking over a confrontation with a creep I will never see again?  I don't remember an adrenaline rush lasting this long before.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that in adult life it is pretty rare to have someone totally pushy.

So car salesmen are more unique then it seems like they should be.

After all, a car purchase is the next highest value thing most people buy after their homes, and so these encounters are high value/high stress--so when you add in pushiness, it just goes over the top. 

Plus a lot of people ( maybe you're one of them ) HATE to have to say no to someone, so someone who puts them in that position makes them uncomfortable.  Can't he take a hint?  you may be wondering.  And the answer might be, you have to tell him, not hint.  And that might be what makes you so uncomfortable.  I see that a lot with people who hate multilevel marketing types.  I don't mind saying no, so they don't bother me that much, but it makes some people really uncomfortable and then the other person stresses them out because of that association. 

 

Having said that, there might be an undercurrent of something else here that you're picking up from him--some creepy attraction or hostility (both very unwelcome) that colors the whole engagement. 

[Katy]

Yes, there is definitely an underlying hostility there.   And I generally avoid multilevel marketing type things because I feel compelled to buy something at every "party."  And he definitely didn't get anything that wasn't blatantly rude.  And I have low tolerance for manipulative behavior in general, and I tend to think that people who make a living by manipulating people understand hints they're just willfully ignoring them.  I think this guy was a combination of all 4, and I found it really obnoxious.

[Forget-Me-Not]

He harassed you how? Is this something you should report to his boss?

 

I hate dealing with car salesmen too. I just automatically assume they're going to lie and attempt to manipulate.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Did you leave contact information with him?  How could he text you?  (I've never left information at a lot where I didn't find what I wanted.)  If he looked up your information and texted you, that would be breaking a  pretty big boundary, I think, and I'd report him to his boss.  

[Pink Elephant]

I revel in delight when someone attempts to antagonize me. Nine times out of ten, the individual extending themselves in either a rude, pushy, condescending, or bold manner, is often unhappy with themselves and their lives, so the bitterness and lashing-out they extend to others represents and reflects their low-self-esteem.

 

I view them as nothing more than attention getters... you know the kind... the ones who always have a mouthful but in actuality, have little to say or offer. They are nothing more than individuals who have failed in all aspects of their own lives, and in order to justify their existence they look to undermine whatever integrity they can in others so as to add to their own misery, but do take comfort, because the sooner you learn to condition yourself to blank-out, ignore, and banish those types from your life, the more richer of a person you will be, and in doing so, you will quickly recognize what a far superior person you are.

 

Stand tall, keep your chin-up, and walk with authority, and don't allow others to de-throne you.

[Carol in Cal.]

.  And I have low tolerance for manipulative behavior in general, and I tend to think that people who make a living by manipulating people understand hints they're just willfully ignoring them. 

See, I don't think a good salesperson needs to manipulate people.  I think they need to be honest and share the right information, and respect people's own processes.  Look at Nordstrom--they are never ever pushy or manipulative, just classy, and they do great business because people like to go there.

 

I do think that people vary in how they mean 'hints'.  Sometimes they mean 'slow down, I need to think about this' and sometimes they mean 'STFU' and sometimes they mean 'tell me more'.  So I don't fault someone for asking for a definitive answer.  But I'm not uncomfortable giving one, either, so it doesn't bother me that much.  My dh is VERY uncomfortable being definitive, so he has to get a little mad before he will say something like 'No, I don't want this', and then he tends to blame the other person for making him uncomfortable.  I think that's unfair, but it's also pretty common.  Still, it could all be avoided if the salesperson phrased it better, along the lines of, "I'm not sure what you're saying here...are you saying that you want to have some more information?" and was respectful about it.

[DesertBlossom]

I had someone come to the door (ignoring the 'no solicitors' sign) asking if we wanted to see about replacing our van's windshield. He just wanted to set up an appointment to see if it was covered by our insurance. When I insisted that we were fine he kept saying, "But that doesn't help ME!"  Apparently he needed to set up a certain number of appointments. I didn't even have to buy or do anything. His pushiness was a put-off. But I was really bugged by the "but it doesn't help ME!" attitude he had. Like I'm supposed to do a favor for a guy I've never met who ignores 'no soliciting' signs and who wants to replace a windshield that isn't cracked or broken. 

 

It bugged me for several days. Still does, actually.

[Guest]

He harassed you how? Is this something you should report to his boss?

 

I hate dealing with car salesmen too. I just automatically assume they're going to lie and attempt to manipulate.

 

Please don't lump them all in the same boat.  My husband is a good Christian man, AND a salesman.  He gets repeat customers, referrals, etc, because he treats people like they should be treated.  He sees a young girl buying a car and puts himself in the place of that girl's father so to speak....if that was his daughter, would he be happy if she bought this car?  If he sees a couple that is struggling, yet wants a car that he knows will require high payments due to their credit, he will nicely let them know that they should look at other options.  In general, he doesn't get along with most of the guys he works with because he doesn't act like an a$$ to customers. He used to do finance and/or sell in the small town we lived in.  Many people would tell me how much they appreciated how out of the "norm" for salespeople he was.  

[Katy]

In this case he heard we were in the beginning stages of looking for a replacement for DH's commuter car.  We had a big Christmas bonus in hand and had just started thinking about replacing DH's current car because it's starting to get to the point where coming repairs would cost more than the value of the car.  DH wasn't convinced, but I had talked him into considering it.  He's an engineer and doesn't believe in driving flashy cars to work at a factory for a myriad of reasons. He typically drives an 8-12 year old car so he doesn't have to worry about crossing a picket line in the event of a strike, and he doesn't have to worry about putting high mileage on something more valuable.  So typically my car is the nice one and his is something an average 16 year old would drive.  We talked about it at length and decided it might be a nice idea to just buy a 2-3 year old import with at least 40,000 miles on it, so most of the devaluation had already occurred so the mileage he will put on it might not have as much of a financial impact.  So the salesman comes out, decides what we were there to look at wasn't what we needed after all because of the hours of driving DH does daily, and that we should actually look for something significantly cheaper that we were both unconvinced about.  He asked for a cell phone number to text when he found it, we thought why not, so I handed over my number. 

 

I'm convinced that this is where the major manipulation started.  In the beginning of the month there was a trade in of a vehicle that would typically be too cheap to sell at this particular dealer (I could tell by the carfax).  I think he had the car detailed thinking he could manipulate us into buying it immediately, he priced it at twice the value edmunds said it was worth online, and refused to negotiate.  DH sort of liked the car, it was a 5-speed and he hasn't had a manual since we got married and has talked about buying a "toy" so he could teach me that it really is safer to drive a stick shift in icy weather, and might have paid a little higher than edmunds had it valued, but not what the salesman was asking because it smelled like burning oil and there was a black stain on the oil dipstick, which is a sign coolant is mixing with the oil and you've only got a short time before it slings a rod and is shot.  Also, this car was worth less than DH's CURRENT car, which doesn't exactly go in the direction we wanted to go.

 

Salesman sent harassing text messages, yes.  I finally said he was being indescribably rude harassing me and then I blocked him. I think he figured he would make more commission by marking up a car he knew would not last long and then we'd need a replacement and come back to him again than he would us paying cash for a 3 year old car.  He failed to figure in that I know how to use the internet and DH is an engineer so he knows the signs of a car whose engine is about to blow.

[gardenmom5]

could it be he's under your skin, not because he's a car salesman, but because he's simply a creep? (he's not much of a salesman either.)  creepy people are supposed to set off flags.  it means your mom gut is working.

 

and in regards to the harassing texts . . . I'd let the dearlship's owner know.  and if you get one more from him, you'll be filing a complaint with the BBB and the state.

 

I had a major appliance saleswoman in a higher end appliance store who was a real snot (seems she wasn't interested in showing me what I was interested in buying.)  - the owner was very interested in knowing.  especially as I made it clear I wasn't buying from them because of her. he was quite solicitous and offered to help me himself.  too bad, so sad.  I ended up having to replace two major appliances within six weeks.  they missed out on both.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If he is misrepresenting the car, then I would contact the AG's office.  In fact, the Attorney General's office may already have some complaints against him.  

[Forget-Me-Not]

Please don't lump them all in the same boat. My husband is a good Christian man, AND a salesman. He gets repeat customers, referrals, etc, because he treats people like they should be treated. He sees a young girl buying a car and puts himself in the place of that girl's father so to speak....if that was his daughter, would he be happy if she bought this car? If he sees a couple that is struggling, yet wants a car that he knows will require high payments due to their credit, he will nicely let them know that they should look at other options. In general, he doesn't get along with most of the guys he works with because he doesn't act like an a$$ to customers. He used to do finance and/or sell in the small town we lived in. Many people would tell me how much they appreciated how out of the "norm" for salespeople he was.

I apologize. I didn't express myself well. I probably should have said that I'm always wary going into car shopping/buying situations because I have come across so many that are manipulative. I do realize that not all are that way. :)

[gardenmom5]

I apologize. I didn't express myself well. I probably should have said that I'm always wary going into car shopping/buying situations because I have come across so many that are manipulative. I do realize that not all are that way. :)

 

what you *should* have said is (taking a page out of Capt. Louis Renault's book)  - "_ is one of the reasons used car salesmen enjoy the reputation they do."

 

 

before there was the princess bride - there was Casablanca. the. best. lines!

[Katy]

Thanks everyone.  I blocked the guy using my iPhone, so I won't be hearing any more from him.

 

It's not that big of a town, so DH said he's going to talk with a guy at his work that recommended that dealership.  Apparently a relative of his is in management there, which seems like the best way to deal with it.  I hate to be the one to complain because people tend to take complaints from men more seriously here.   I don't know if it's just that Oklahoma is far enough south that it's a bit more of a sexist area, or if DH just has enough management experience that he knows exactly the right words to say, but ever since we've lived here I've had much more luck having him handle things like this than me, except in the case where a woman was the interface for most of the company and there was a perfect rating with the BBB on the line and I threatened to file a complaint with them immediately.

 

I did not have this trouble in other areas, where I felt like I could deal with something for hours and get nowhere and DH could make one call and have the whole thing resolved in less than ten minutes.