MedicMom Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I don't know how to tell him. He's four, my little boy, and is so excited about singing in his pre-k Christmas concert on Friday. So excited. He's invited everyone and was beyond thrilled that his daddy took off work to come. It's all we've heard about for weeks. The school just called and said they've decided they don't want him to participate. The music teacher is concerned he might have a meltdown and ruin the whole thing. I asked and they said he's never had a meltdown in music class or while rehearsing. He does sometimes have meltdowns during transition times and have been working on that with his OT and his main teacher. I just don't know how to tell him. ETA: I finally raised holy h#ll and they will let him participate. If it's too much sensory wise I will be there and he can come sit with me. We are pulling him out of school and going to do lots of reading and cuddling and drawing and finger painting and trips to the sciencenter and art museums and play museums. They told me he struggles to conform to the classroom, and I don't quite think that's necessary at 4, so we are chucking the classroom all together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Poor kid... :confused1: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Let them be the one to tell him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I'm sorry! It seems like they could come up with a solution with how to handle it if he does have a meltdown. A children's concert isn't ruined if a child had a meltdown. I can see why you are upset. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Give me their number. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 That is terrible!! I'd fight it. Tell them you'll be right there off to the side of the stage to jump in in a moment's notice, if necessary. Obviously I don't know the circumstances, but I can't believe they're not giving him a chance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Meltdowns are part of being four. Whoever is in charge of the concert needs to get a clue. I'm sorry. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Tell them today, they must tell him. They must tell him they made the decision. They must tell him today. Really, what is wrong with these people. This is your second school this year. I'm sorry your boy is having such a rough time at the hands of adults who actually know his special needs. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Oh, hell no. I'd tell them that I will be there unless they want to see MY meltdown. Wtf is wrong with them?!? It's a pre-k concert!! Seriously, I would just show up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
songsparrow Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 That is ridiculous. The school needs to have a plan in place for how to handle the situation if any kid has a meltdown. But to exclude your son is unacceptable, IMO, and I would tell them so. If my child was excluded from the concert, my child would not be returning to that school after break. ETA: My daughters attended an elementary school that had a special classroom for children with autism. Each year, those children would be included in the holiday concert. They typically each had an aide present to help them, and to remove them from the auditorium if the situation was getting overwhelming for them. That is an appropriate way to handle the situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Give me their number. :iagree: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 The music teacher is concerned he might have a meltdown and ruin the whole thing. That lady is in the wrong profession if she thinks that a meltdown would ruin her concert. Her job is to teach children at all levels, not to create a Carnegie-style concert. They have no right to exclude him. I think you should call and explain that this is a special needs issue and you'll sit in front with DH and remove him if he has any issues that would cause serious disturbance (i.e. prevent people from hearing the concert) and demand he be included until then. He's still learning. He is not the only child who is at risk of breaking down/running off/peeing his pants/any number of random things preschoolers do during a concert! How awful. I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Can you stay right with him and promise to immediately remove him if anything bad happens? This doesn't seem right at all. They should try to be inclusive. So what if everything isn't perfect in a pre-K concert? When my kid was that age she would always do her own thing during every recital (with no prior warning), and nobody ever complained or tried to exclude her. I recall her dance teacher saying, "it is impossible to predict what a 4yo will do up on the stage." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicMom Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 I mean...I get it. I get that they are concerned that the combination of the music and the auditorium might be a sensory issue for him. That's fine. But the time to decide that is not two days before his Christmas concert that he's been walking around the house practicing for for weeks. His OT has been observing him in the classroom and says things have been going fine. He struggles with transitions and other than that has been doing well. My husband wants to just pull him. ETA: I did tell them I would be right there, and if it was too much for him, he could just come sit with me the rest of the time. They didn't seem interested in a compromise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 This is horrible. I agree that the teacher or administrator or whomever made the decision should be the ones to tell him. Gosh, that's weaselly - to make that decision but not tell him themselves, to push it off on you to be the bad guy. I am really mad and disgusted on your and your son's behalf. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 AND, if they persist in this idiocy, I WOULD call the local media about the sweet SN child being excluded at Christmas. Unreal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 AND, if they persist in this idiocy, I WOULD call the local media about the sweet SN child being excluded at Christmas. Unreal. Yes yes yes. Honestly I would bet this is a violation of the ADA. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 AND, wasn't this a Catholic pre-k?? If so, you can believe the Diocese would know my name. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 OP, I am so sorry these idiots are being like this. Just rotten to the core. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wapiti Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I'm so shocked I don't know what to say, except that I'd be on the phone with them all morning... scratch that, I'd drive over there right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicMom Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 No, this is a public pre-k. He's been doing so well, aside from transitions, that this really caught me blindsided. I got a hold of his classroom teacher, who really loves him, and she said she has not been having any problems with him lately either. She thinks the music teacher is just afraid he will cry or melt down with all the sensory stimulation. Which to me is okay---he can come sit with Mommy. I just feel he should at least be given a chance to try. I am crying. I feel like such a crappy mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wapiti Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 :confused: dude, it is not you!!!!! The music teacher needs to get a....clue, to put it as *politely* as I can. The answer is to create a plan in case a problem occurs (such as going to sit with you, or going outside with you, or whatever - so not difficult). The answer is not to exclude a 4 y.o. for a music teacher's ridiculous vision of the perfect pre-K concert. I would ask her just who does she think this concert is for????? I better stop adding to this post now or I'll be here all day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azucena Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Because the spirit of Christmas is ... breaking the hearts of four-year-old boys. All sarcasm aside, I would be livid. How could a four-year-old "ruin" a Christmas concert? If he had a meltdown, you would remove him from the room ... and every other sane adult in the room would sympathize and reflect on the many other school performances they had seen which did not go quite according to plan. Sheesh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I am crying. I feel like such a crappy mom. ?!?!?!?! Why on earth would the music teacher being an inconsiderate rude and nasty jerk make you feel like a crappy mom? She's a crappy teacher! You're doing the best you can! :( I seriously would be making noises about filing for ADA violations, especially in a public school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 No, this is a public pre-k. He's been doing so well, aside from transitions, that this really caught me blindsided. I got a hold of his classroom teacher, who really loves him, and she said she has not been having any problems with him lately either. She thinks the music teacher is just afraid he will cry or melt down with all the sensory stimulation. Which to me is okay---he can come sit with Mommy. I just feel he should at least be given a chance to try. I am crying. I feel like such a crappy mom. I'm over posting in your thread-sorry! This has nothing to do with parenting. This is a pansy ass music teacher who thinks she is directing a Hallmark commercial instead of a group of real children. Go over her head! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Not interested in compromise? They don't have a choice! It's public school, and they can't pre-emptively exclude a child. A 4 year old crying? Oh gee, that would be unheard of! Christmas is ruined! Wtf!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Ask if they want a nice call to the county office of special education. Then depending on the response make the call. If my child wanted to sing then he will be going. I am positive that another child is going to not be perfect( calling out to parents, missing a line, or general being silly) during the concert so the music teacher needs to get a grip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 If it is a public pre-K, he cannot be excluded, period. You need to go sit there in that principal's office until they tell that music teacher to get a clue. The music teacher needs to re-evaluate whether or not teaching is the right profession for her. Seriously? When I was in school, there were teen girls who had melt-downs immediately prior to high school chorale concerts - the male director handled them gracefully. His attitude was basically "it happens, people get overwhelmed." If it can be expected that a teen might do this, certainly it can be expected that a child of any age might do this, regardless of their learning challenges. I am offended. I wish you lived in my area - I would go to the principal's office myself. And yes, if they don't allow him to participate, call the local news stations - all of them! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 And yes, if they don't allow him to participate, call the local news stations - all of them! Yes. And send them a video of your darling child doing his song that they don't want him to do at the Christmas concert. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I'm an early childhood music specialist by trade (IE-not only do I teach preschoolers, but I'm a clinician at a national level, regularly present at conferences in the field, write curriculum, and teach college students), and I can tell you that there has never been a preschool music program without something unplanned happening. Whether it's the little girl pulling her skirt up over her face, a meltdown, the kid starting to dance freestyle mid-performance, the child who is supposed to recite a 1 line statement going into an oration, or whatever. Excluding a 4 yr old with sensory issues because of fear of a meltdown making the performance less "perfect" is kind of like closing the door after the horse has escaped. It's not going to insure a successful performance unless they exclude ALL of the 4 yr olds and replace them with 12 yr olds (and maybe not then!). I can make a good case for not having preschoolers perform at all-but not for excluding any preschooler at any ability level who wants to do the program. If he didn't want to do it, that would be a different story entirely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Time to call the principal and get mama bear on their butts. I would be asking for a meeting etc, etc so fast it would make their heads spin. I would be in the office today. And I really would. I've seen what one person can mess up and I have seen a school scramble to make it better. All it takes is one parent to push back. Do not let her push you around. Stand up for him, and stand up for the kids that come after him. This is really, really not ok. Really not ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I'm an early childhood music specialist by trade (IE-not only do I teach preschoolers, but I'm a clinician at a national level, regularly present at conferences in the field, write curriculum, and teach college students), and I can tell you that there has never been a preschool music program without something unplanned happening. Whether it's the little girl pulling her skirt up over her face, a meltdown, the kid starting to dance freestyle mid-performance, the child who is supposed to recite a 1 line statement going into an oration, or whatever. Excluding a 4 yr old with sensory issues because of fear of a meltdown making the performance less "perfect" is kind of like closing the door after the horse has escaped. It's not going to insure a successful performance unless they exclude ALL of the 4 yr olds and replace them with 12 yr olds (and maybe not then!). I can make a good case for not having preschoolers perform at all-but not for excluding any preschooler at any ability level who wants to do the program. If he didn't want to do it, that would be a different story entirely. I love all of these. I am not a fan these little kid concerts and it's the kid with a skirt over hear head or the one who stands there with his arms folded and face screwed up and not singing who make it all worthwhile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Southern Ivy Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I hate confrontation, but I can guarantee you that I'd be raising a major stink over this. This is ridiculous. I'm really sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMV Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I'm so sorry that this is happening to your son. The reality is that the likelihood that several children in his group will have meltdowns or perform with less than perfect concert behavior is very high. They are four and, well, some things kind of go with the age. When I attend "performances" by young children I am not expecting perfection. I am attending because I care personally about one or more of the kids in the group and they are excited about their performance. My DD19 has grown into a very accomplished musician and she has played with some very accomplished groups. I love to hear her play but in many ways my happiest memories are of her 1st grade Christmas Concert where the child directly behind her was picking at his nose and the little girl beside her pulled her dress up to the point where it was hiding her face (yes she was wearing solid opaque tights underneath). What they may have lacked in harmonious blending they made up for in their intent and the spirit of the season. I'm sorry the music teacher at your son's school has lost sight of that and the concept of what pre-K Christmas Concerts are meant to be. Our daughters' school has an optional elementary chorus for the K-3 classes. Participation is voluntary but anyone who wants to participate can. There are some outside of regular school rehearsals the kids have to attend and certain behavioral expectations during rehearsals but these are dealt with by explaining the expectations, reminding kids of the expectations, and then in cases where kids just can't or won't comply with the expectations they are withdrawn from the group. In contrast to your situation, this is handled by the music teacher, and it is based on actual behavior not perceptions of possible behavior. It also happens during the year not at the last minute to assuage some of the director's own performance anxiety. In your case, I would push for the music teacher being the one to break the news to your son since they are the one who made the decision. I would ask them to do it today before pickup when you are available to be there to support your son immediately after and then I would go forward. I'm really sorry this is happening [and I would write a letter to the Principal and Superintendent of Schools expressing my displeasure with how this was handled]. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I love all of these. I am not a fan these little kid concerts and it's the kid with a skirt over hear head or the one who stands there with his arms folded and face screwed up and not singing who make it all worthwhile. That's actually one of the main reasons why I'm not a fan of little kid performances.Because ultimately, it's all for the parents/teachers, and it takes SO much time and puts so much stress on the kids who should just be learning and enjoying music. Unfortunately, I've seen too many little girls who showed their panties, little boys with arms crossed and stubborn looks on their faces, and freestyle dancers have parents all over them for "ruining the show" as soon as it was over to feel at all good about being involved in such things. If I have a choice, I prefer informances, where I simply do a music class as we normally would, but with an audience. Around about age 6-7, usually kids WANT to start performing and putting on shows, and are willing to polish and perfect it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I am so sorry, I'm in tears just thinking about it, I can't imagine what you are feeling. (((((Hugs)))))) It is time to completely go all out momma bear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 This is ridiculous, I would fight it--the teacher's worries about her concert being blemished are absolutely not worth the devastation she is inflicting on a small child. I would fight with every tactic I could come up with, starting by sitting down with the music teacher, classroom teacher, and principal and explaining how very important this concert is to your son, then moving up the ladder and getting as many people involved as possible. I am so sorry, and yes, if they go forward with the decision the music teacher needs to be the one to explain it to him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 If change schools. What @sses.... Excuse my french. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 No, this is a public pre-k. He's been doing so well, aside from transitions, that this really caught me blindsided. I got a hold of his classroom teacher, who really loves him, and she said she has not been having any problems with him lately either. She thinks the music teacher is just afraid he will cry or melt down with all the sensory stimulation. Which to me is okay---he can come sit with Mommy. I just feel he should at least be given a chance to try. I am crying. I feel like such a crappy mom. You're not a crappy mom, you're dealing with crappy people and if this is an official school function what this teacher is doing is illegal. It's okay to be angry at them. Don't turn this at yourself. It is NOT your fault and having meltdowns is, while on one end of the spectrum, still normal for MANY four year olds. If he cries so what? Some four year olds are just little! My seven year old spent her entire spring concert biting her fingernails last year and even kneeled down the last song. Nobody said a word. Seriously, give me that school district's number. I am not ashamed to call them. "Hi, I live nowhere near you, but I have a friend online here who says her son who is FOUR is not allowed to participate in a pre-K Christmas show because he has some special needs--I want to ensure that this is a misunderstanding because I have no hesitation calling the media RIGHT NOW, not to mention the superintendent." Unless his meltdowns present a serious and immediate danger to others, which seems almost impossible given that he's four, there is no reason this should be happening. If you read my posts you will see I am not normally all over advocating since special needs isn't my 'thing' as we don't deal with it. But this pisses me off. I wouldn't want my child to have that music teacher! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Call the special needs representative for your school district and ask them is they are going to back the teacher on this decision. Then, decide how you want to proceed. I would let them know that you need a decision immediately because if you are going to take action you will be doing it prior to their concert. :mad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 You sooooooo did not need to include "JAWM" in your title. We are there. Give us ALL the school's number. And your local news stations' and newspapers' phone numbers too, please. And I'd be interested in just *who* from the school called w/ this information? The teacher? I am betting it wasn't the principal, but your call should be to the principal. No, uh-huh. So not appropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Kate Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I have liked so many posts in this thread. OP...I am horrified on your behalf. The music teacher is completely, absolutely in the wrong here. No way is this your fault at all. I would certainly go and talk to the Principal ASAP and get this taken care of. Your child should definitely be able to participate. I'm just so mad for you. This has to be one of the most ridiculous things I have heard. (((hugs))) Sorry people are so crappy!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beaniemom Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I was just at a pre-k Christmas program yesterday where as far as I know most are "typical" and a few had meltdowns. Someone gently got them and took them somewhere to calm down. No one there to see seemed put out. It's part of being/having pre-school aged children. I hope someone gives the music teacher a clue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 If it's a public school then things would have to be very bad before they should be able to exclude a child from the Christmas concert. I hope you can work out a compromise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 You MUST fight this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Their intention to choose to discriminate against your child on the basis of disability is illegal. Do not tolerate it. Tell the teacher, "I understand that you would prefer to exclude (name), but it is his legal and civil right to participate in all aspects of public schooling. I absolutely will NOT agree to keep him away from this event. I am bringing him to his concert, and I expect absolutely no interference with his participation. You should be grateful that I am choosing not to report your discriminatory phone call to your superiors. I guarantee that everyone above your pay grade already knew that discrimination and exclusion on the basis of special needs is not permitted in public schooling." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 If I have a choice, I prefer informances, where I simply do a music class as we normally would, but with an audience. What a great idea! A friend's ballet studio did this instead of recitals until the kids were upper elementary aged. It was limited to "parents only." I hadn't thought to apply it to music, but it makes so much sense! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Hill to die on! This has to be a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. I would be having a meeting and going over exactly how else they might be excluding your child that you don't know about during the day due to disability. My kid *would* be in that recital. Unbelievably cruel, and I'm pretty sure, illegal. It's not a parenting fail! This is a massive school failure! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH_Homeschooler Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 If it is a public pre-K, he cannot be excluded, period. Yep, exactly what I was thinking. I can tell you that there has never been a preschool music program without something unplanned happening. Whether it's the little girl pulling her skirt up over her face, a meltdown, the kid starting to dance freestyle mid-performance, the child who is supposed to recite a 1 line statement going into an oration, or whatever. Seriously! These kinds of things are what really make these performances memorable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I agree with everyone else. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Go over her head!!! The entire Hive is behind you -- and how often do we all agree on something? ;) You're a great mom! If you weren't, you wouldn't be so upset and worried. Fight for your boy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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