Elisabet1 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 My personal opinion was that he was too informal and did not have proper sentence structure. But then again, maybe I am completely and totally wrong and he has "style" or something. The wheel. The oh-so useful wheel. Without it, we would still be hiking boulders on our backs. Without it, we would be walking across the country if we needed to. Without it, many devices could not be. Before the wheel was invented, moving heavy objects was a pain in the neck. Wanted a boulder moved? Nope. Needed a supply or message taken quickly somewhere? Not likely. But with the advent of the wheel, all these notions not only became possible, but probable. Later on, people realized that if you carved notches and teeth into a wheel, it became something that could interlock with gears, that when rotated, all the other gears in the chain would also turn, though with the direction alternating. Have you ever taken the wheels off your car? Probably for maitnence, but you maybe have noticed that car cannot move. If you don't know already, it is because the axles may turn and turn, but there is no wheels to move the car. The wheel has had a major impact ever since it was invented. Almost everything mechanical has wheels to do with it. Cars, planes, trains, carts, clocks, to name but a few. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kuovonne Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 My personal opinion was that he was too informal and did not have proper sentence structure. But then again, maybe I am completely and totally wrong and he has "style" or something. This is not a formal academic piece. It sounds like an off-the-cuff speech. You are correct that there are many incomplete sentences. He has what I'd call "voice." Having a unique voice helps one's personality shine through. However, he also needs to adjust his voice to fit the audience. What was the assignment? Did it have clear requirements? Was it supposed to work on a particular skill? I wonder if the topic was too broad and the assignment too ambiguous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Somewhat inaccurate. Weren't wheels used for pottery almost at the same time they were invented for locomotion? And even today, in some areas it is much easier to forgo wheels and use beasts of burden like camels, horses, or mules.Carrying things without wheels isn't unlikely, it's quite common. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndOfOrdinary Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 My concern was also with some of the large assumptions being made which seem inaccurate more than the structure of the writing. However, I do not know what the assignment was or how much time he had to create it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrysalis Academy Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 I agree with the other comments. In addition to being informal in tone, I think the tone was inappropriate, in the sense that it comes off as very smart-alecky and condescending: "you may have noticed that car cannot move. If you don't know already . . . " Honoring unique voice is great. Informal tone can even be acceptable, depending on the audience and purpose. But talking down to your reader almost never works well. And the vague statements with no support and inaccuracies create the general impression that he didn't take the assignment very seriously. If my child had turned this in, I would point to the saying posted on our bulletin board: "What is written without effort is read without pleasure." And hand it back to be rewritten. Sorry if that is too harsh. But it is honest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 That is exactly how I have felt. This assignment came from Jump In and was very clear. I felt the paper was not very good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildiris Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 If it were my student, I would require a rewrite. To continue writing this way, disregarding the assignment requirements, your DS will not do well in high school English. How you approach the rewrite matters. What he turned in was a rough draft. Keep working. Make it better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kuovonne Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 That is exactly how I have felt. This assignment came from Jump In and was very clear. I felt the paper was not very good. Jump in was a very bad fit for my family. My daughter didn't like the topics. There wasn't enough guidance on coming up with supporting details. It moved into five paragraph essays too quickly. What other writing programs have you tried? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Somewhat inaccurate. Weren't wheels used for pottery almost at the same time they were invented for locomotion? And even today, in some areas it is much easier to forgo wheels and use beasts of burden like camels, horses, or mules.Carrying things without wheels isn't unlikely, it's quite common. :iagree: If the assignment was to write your own impressions about wheels, that would be one thing. But if the assignments included getting information about wheels and presenting it, then, no, it is not good. I am no expert on wheels, but even I know about the pottery wheel. And the student did not mention water wheels in mills (sawmills, grist mils, carding mills). Cut wood, flour, cotton -- leaving that out is a big gap. Most of what the kid says is about transportation -- too me, it shows that he is using a modern perspective and not understanding the wheel's importance over time. As for the language, not up to par. Paragraphs and sentences too short, etc. I am presuming that this is a grade level student you are asking about. If there were learning disabilities, I would take back what I said and suggest you evaluate in terms of his progress, rather than objective benchmarks. If it were my child, I would want to make sure that the rubrics for the lesson were clear. And I would be inclined to break it down into steps -- research notes, outline,draft, final -- so as to catch problems in the beginning. Btw, I am not familiar with the program you are using. I would love to see what the actual assignment was. I know from my kid's experience that there are some teachers who can get unbelievably good work out of them at middle school level. But it involves letting students look at sample papers, giving them clear directions/rubrics, going step by step, and having steps critiqued (often in peer groups). Except for the group critiques, much of this could be done at home, imo. So, overall, I would not to criticize the student. Part of the problem might be the program/assignment. Just guessing, obviously!! I would not ask for a do over, if the assignment was unclear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Jump in was a very bad fit for my family. My daughter didn't like the topics. There wasn't enough guidance on coming up with supporting details. It moved into five paragraph essays too quickly. What other writing programs have you tried? We did BJU. I am thinking a different program might be better. Suggestions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kuovonne Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I am thinking a different program might be better. Suggestions? IEW leaped to mind. Now, I have never used IEW, and I suspect that IEW would be a very bad fit for my family as well. However, I have read many reviews of IEW because it is very popular with homeschoolers I know IRL. IEW might provide the structure that your son needs. One of the complaints about IEW is that the writing can sound formulaic. I don't think you need to worry about that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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