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Huge and devastating setback

Violet Crown

By Violet Crown,
in Special Needs Board

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Violet Crown

Violet Crown

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Yesterday was horrible. In fact, in general this has been a horrible year, and I will be glad to see the back of it.

 

I've mentioned that Wee Girl has issues, known to the insurance company billing office as severe anxiety (her therapist remarked after the first interview that this is the most anxious child she has ever seen) and selective mutism. One of the handful of non-family adults in her tiny world to whom she is able to speak at all, is her choir teacher, who has worked closely with her to help her overcome herself through singing. And her choir teacher was murdered on Saturday.

 

So now we're down to two non-family adults that she will speak with. And she is devastated, and her speech has deteriorated, and she cried herself to sleep last night, and wet the bed. Of course she doesn't know the circumstances of her teacher's death, but there was no finessing the fact of it: their winter choir concert that wraps up the semester is/was this week, and it's all the local homeschool moms are talking about.

 

There are some people in the world who are just givers, and who go about systematically making the lives of other people better. And that someone else could take all that away in a fit of rage just makes me so overwhemingly angry and sad that it's hard to know what to do with it. I am trying to keep that all in because signs of sadness and grief from me make Wee Girl very upset and anxious, and she has begged me not to be sad. Which is really hard but I am trying.

 

We are dealing with the death through letting her talk about it (she got out some words about it last night) and through our faith's traditional prayers for the dead, and the ritualism of that seems to help; at least it gives her something she knows how to do. I will happily take any advice from the experienced about helping a very anxious child through this kind of thing.

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texasmama

texasmama

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I am so very sorry.  (((hugs)))

 

Might your girl find meaning in drawing a picture of the choir with the teacher and having you write down some meaningful memories of her experiences in choir and with the teacher?  This may take time to do and might not be something she wishes to do today, but it can be a cathartic experience and the drawing part of it is nonverbal.

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prairiewindmomma

prairiewindmomma

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My ^dd^ developed selective mutism due to having her face strapped down for brain radiation. We did hours and hours and hours of art together. Cooking together also helped. I believe that everyone is a creative being but those who are struggling with emotions especially need to create.

 

Years down the road, I can look at her art and see how she processed through things.

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texasmama

texasmama

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My ^dd^ developed selective mutism due to having her face strapped down for brain radiation. We did hours and hours and hours of art together. Cooking together also helped. I believe that everyone is a creative being but those who are struggling with emotions especially need to create.

 

Years down the road, I can look at her art and see how she processed through things.

 

(((hugs)))

 

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texasmama

texasmama

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I thought of something else, our kids had a feelings box (each) that they decorated. Inside they would would write notes or draw pictures to our dd after she died. Sometimes they would share, sometimes not, but it was a tangible thing that could be done.

 

This is a lovely idea and perfect for the OP's dd.

 

I am reminded of Gary Landreth's art and nondirective play therapy work.  It involve allowing the child to express feelings and experiences through play and art.  Very powerful.  I know that the OP's dd has a therapist, but much good work can be done at home by a parent providing art supplies and letting a child create without comment/judgment.

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JennW in SoCal

JennW in SoCal

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Many, many hugs and prayers for Wee Girl and your family, and the other families in the choir.  I'm so, so very sorry. A really good music teacher is a treasure, and I just ache for your loss.

 

I like the advice you've gotten here already.  Art, both drawing and singing.  I think singing a favorite song, or several songs taught by the teacher would be comforting, and drawing pictures of the happy times in choir, or happy memories of this special adult.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:   

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Jane in NC

Jane in NC

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Dearest VC,

 

Sending love and tranquil thoughts to you and Wee Girl during these troubling times.  I cannot imagine what the choir community must process.

 

I truly wish that I could help in some small way.  Please let me know if you think of anything.

 

With great affection,

Jane

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Jilly

Jilly

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First of all  :grouphug:  :grouphug: to you and your daughter. My son suffered through years of selective mutism, and his piano teacher was one of the few people he was comfortable with. I cannot imagine how he would have dealt with a tragedy like that. I think at this time routine is important and lots of love and support from you and your family. This will help her with her anxiety.

 

 

I am trying to keep that all in because signs of sadness and grief from me make Wee Girl very upset and anxious, and she has begged me not to be sad. Which is really hard but I am trying.
 

 

This is probably how I would have reacted too, but I am not sure that is helping. The issue with kids with selective mutism is that often their emotions and their inability to control them makes them scared and anxious. If you show her that you are sad and are grieving and tell her that is a completely normal reaction she might feel better in the long run. She will see that her feelings are normal and not as scary as she thought. In addition I would just spend a good deal of time with her, hugging and talking, and reassuring her that her world will get back to a new normal soon.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug: again because I know this must be so hard to deal with. I can't imagine. 

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Jean in Newcastle

Jean in Newcastle

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My (almost) 13 year old has selective mutism.  When my dad died, she came into the room and saw his body.  It was not pretty.  Later I sat down with her and just held her.  I let her cry but she couldn't say anything.  I cried too and told her that I felt like it was scary and sad but that he had my sisters and me with him when he passed and it was ok.  I talked some more about his faith and where he is now.  Then I told her that I was going to shut up and just listen IF she wanted to talk.  For the first time in, well ever, she cried and told me about her feelings.  She wasn't as voluble as I was, but she did share.  You probably don't have this problem but I've realized that in my desire to have her share things I can make her feel on the spot sometimes.  If she feels at all on the spot, she's like a deer in the headlights.  So telling her that I was simply going to be there and would just listen, helped her.  

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Violet Crown

Violet Crown

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Might your girl find meaning in drawing a picture of the choir with the teacher and having you write down some meaningful memories of her experiences in choir and with the teacher?  This may take time to do and might not be something she wishes to do today, but it can be a cathartic experience and the drawing part of it is nonverbal.

That's a good idea.

  

My ^dd^ developed selective mutism due to having her face strapped down for brain radiation. We did hours and hours and hours of art together. Cooking together also helped. I believe that everyone is a creative being but those who are struggling with emotions especially need to create.

Years down the road, I can look at her art and see how she processed through things.

 I'm encouraged to hear art was helpful for your daughter, and I like the cooking idea too.

 

My son went to his friend's memorial service (brain aneurism, unable to get to hospital quickly). The pastor's words were helpful and we talked a lot afterwards.I found it helpful to focus on the good times he had with his friend. It has been 7 years, and son is still a member of a facebook group of people his friend made an impact on. It helps him remember that the good outweighs the bad. The 'if onlys' come every once in a while, amd we remind him he can do something about them and make the community a better place. Out friends impacted by school shootings are similar.

It is a gut punch. It will take time.

Yes, I want her to be able eventually to think of Miss K. and remember how happy she was with her. 

I thought of something else, our kids had a feelings box (each) that they decorated. Inside they would would write notes or draw pictures to our dd after she died. Sometimes they would share, sometimes not, but it was a tangible thing that could be done.

That's a great idea.  I think I'm going to share these ideas with the other choir moms as well. 

Many, many hugs and prayers for Wee Girl and your family, and the other families in the choir.  I'm so, so very sorry. A really good music teacher is a treasure, and I just ache for your loss.

 

I like the advice you've gotten here already.  Art, both drawing and singing.  I think singing a favorite song, or several songs taught by the teacher would be comforting, and drawing pictures of the happy times in choir, or happy memories of this special adult.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Definitely singing. Miss K. has a beautiful song of blessing that ends every concert.  

First of all  :grouphug:  :grouphug: to you and your daughter. My son suffered through years of selective mutism, and his piano teacher was one of the few people he was comfortable with. I cannot imagine how he would have dealt with a tragedy like that. I think at this time routine is important and lots of love and support from you and your family. This will help her with her anxiety.

 

This is probably how I would have reacted too, but I am not sure that is helping. The issue with kids with selective mutism is that often their emotions and their inability to control them makes them scared and anxious. If you show her that you are sad and are grieving and tell her that is a completely normal reaction she might feel better in the long run. She will see that her feelings are normal and not as scary as she thought. In addition I would just spend a good deal of time with her, hugging and talking, and reassuring her that her world will get back to a new normal soon.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug: again because I know this must be so hard to deal with. I can't imagine.

 

Yes, I agree; but then I haven't been very successful in putting up a not-sad front. I'm trying for calm and stable, i do assure her that her sadness is the right reaction, and that all the other children and parents are sad too.

 

Thank you friends, for both the practical suggestions and the comfort offered. It looks like the final concert will go forward, which I think is the right move, though it's going to be hard in all sorts of ways.

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Violet Crown

Violet Crown

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Oh no!!! I am so sorry!!!!

 

Does she know it was murder? If you have not already told her, and she will not find out otherwise, I might not bring up that detail.

 

No, you're right, of course I can't tell her that. Even an nt child of that age doesn't need to hear about these circumstances. Fortunately we don't do tv because it was on the news extensively.

My (almost) 13 year old has selective mutism. When my dad died, she came into the room and saw his body. It was not pretty. Later I sat down with her and just held her. I let her cry but she couldn't say anything. I cried too and told her that I felt like it was scary and sad but that he had my sisters and me with him when he passed and it was ok. I talked some more about his faith and where he is now. Then I told her that I was going to shut up and just listen IF she wanted to talk. For the first time in, well ever, she cried and told me about her feelings. She wasn't as voluble as I was, but she did share. You probably don't have this problem but I've realized that in my desire to have her share things I can make her feel on the spot sometimes. If she feels at all on the spot, she's like a deer in the headlights. So telling her that I was simply going to be there and would just listen, helped her.

 

Oh no, we definitely have the shutting down under questioning thing going on. We have been having lots of hugging and listening; though mostly she just says "I'm sad."

So very sorry to read this. Violet. We've had mutism issues in the past, and I can only imagine the loss of one of the true and trusted adults with whom your dd can speak.

 

Does your dd draw ? We've used drawing as an expressive tool in the past - especially for things that are just too sad or scary. I used to sit down and draw with dd. helped us get feeling out without speaking, released some of the pain in a way that wasn't so challenging.

 

Hugs to you both.

Good. I definitely am going to incorporate some drawing therapy; several people have mentioned how helpful it was for their children.
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goldberry

goldberry

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Oh, no! Sometimes it seems like the world just gets harder and harder for these kids-and there's NO rhyme nor reason to anything. Poor little thing. Praying for peace for her, your family, and your community.

 

This.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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Pam in CT

Pam in CT

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Oh Violet Crown.  I am so very sorry.  

 

 

 

After Newtown, many clergy and school communities in our area held sessions to help parents to help their children process the grief.  Two concrete suggestions that I remember from those awful days -- give the child open-ended opportunities to express their emotions when they're ready (like the emotions box already suggested)... and invite them to do something concrete for the affected families (ie send a drawing or potted plant to Miss K's parents or next of kin).  

 

 

I am holding Wee Girl and you and your community in the light.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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Jennifer-72

Jennifer-72

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How truly devastating for your dd, family and community.

 

I remember reading your previous posts about victories your wee girl has had with her anxiety struggles. I have always thought to myself how brave she must be and how much support you have given her to take those steps. I have no doubt that is what will get her through this time as well.

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Dmmetler

Dmmetler

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http://www.musick8.com/html/downloaddisplay.php?dwnid=1060'

 

This song is a free download of sheet music and an Mp3 of a song written for the children of Littleton, right after Columbine. The author makes it avalable free of charge so it can be used to help others. I used it with my school choir/classes after a major drug-related domestic violence incident, and I also used it after my son died. It may help your DD, or the others in her choir.

 

 

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Violet Crown

Violet Crown

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http://www.musick8.com/html/downloaddisplay.php?dwnid=1060'

 

This song is a free download of sheet music and an Mp3 of a song written for the children of Littleton, right after Columbine. The author makes it avalable free of charge so it can be used to help others. I used it with my school choir/classes after a major drug-related domestic violence incident, and I also used it after my son died. It may help your DD, or the others in her choir.

Thank you for that. It's beautiful.

 

Please keep all of us in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow (Thursday) evening, when the children will be singing the concert. One of Miss K.'s students, now grown, will be conducting, and some of us moms will be shepherding the younger children. Wee Girl has been practicing her songs, and wants to sing, so that's good. No interest in expressing her feelings in any way except occasionally saying how sad she is. Speaking more clearly but still not sleeping well; it all seems to catch up to her at night.

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