One income homeschooling and expressing contentment

[Mandylubug]

We, like many home school families, sacrifice financially so that we can home school. Yes, we are super tight financially and typically can't just throw money into the wind at the drop of a hat, but require planning in advance. Sometimes, even advanced planning makes doing some activities impossible. We are content with these sacrifices but we have family at times that make comments about not understanding how we do it, or they are frustrated we can't participate. They even start trying to hand out charity. 

 

I suppose when we answer these inquiries we aren't expressing our contentment of the situation. We usually state "wow, that sounds fun but we can't participate. We don't have the money." Recently we have tried to amend the comment to "it's not in our budget" but then we get a call a few days later with them saying "we will pay your way if you will just come."

 

Some scenarios, I think they are just desperate to do things with us. So, we then extend an invitation to our home 30 minutes away. We can't afford the gas to drive to town many times a week. It isn't in our chosen budget. They don't want to come and sit in our living room and visit. They want us to go to them, or out to eat with them or on vacation with them. So, when they say no to our offers to accommodate, I tend to not feel badly with not seeing them. We made an effort.

 

I just don't know how to say "hey, thanks for inviting us, we don't have the money to do it, no we don't want your charity and we are OKAY with that. We are happy to not participate. We are not at home bored and sad."

 

I think they think our kids are deprived of fun. Of course, they aren't deprived. We attend co-op, volunteer at a non profit weekly, attend church, take gymnastics, have park play dates, get ice cream and pizza regularly. Our activities just never fit into their activities.

 

Have you found you have to explain your choice to be more financially tight but still able to convey your contentment of the situation? Maybe I just don't smile enough :p

[Jen500]

We, like many home school families, sacrifice financially so that we can home school. Yes, we are super tight financially and typically can't just throw money into the wind at the drop of a hat, but require planning in advance. Sometimes, even advanced planning makes doing some activities impossible. We are content with these sacrifices but we have family at times that make comments about not understanding how we do it, or they are frustrated we can't participate. They even start trying to hand out charity. 

 

I suppose when we answer these inquiries we aren't expressing our contentment of the situation. We usually state "wow, that sounds fun but we can't participate. We don't have the money." Recently we have tried to amend the comment to "it's not in our budget" but then we get a call a few days later with them saying "we will pay your way if you will just come."

 

Some scenarios, I think they are just desperate to do things with us. So, we then extend an invitation to our home 30 minutes away. We can't afford the gas to drive to town many times a week. It isn't in our chosen budget. They don't want to come and sit in our living room and visit. They want us to go to them, or out to eat with them or on vacation with them. So, when they say no to our offers to accommodate, I tend to not feel badly with not seeing them. We made an effort.

 

I just don't know how to say "hey, thanks for inviting us, we don't have the money to do it, no we don't want your charity and we are OKAY with that. We are happy to not participate. We are not at home bored and sad."

 

I think they think our kids are deprived of fun. Of course, they aren't deprived. We attend co-op, volunteer at a non profit weekly, attend church, take gymnastics, have park play dates, get ice cream and pizza regularly. Our activities just never fit into their activities.

 

Have you found you have to explain your choice to be more financially tight but still able to convey your contentment of the situation? Maybe I just don't smile enough :p

Why wouldn't you go to the activity if the person wanting you to go offered to pay? Would there be unpleasant strings attached? In my extended family there is huge variety of financial situations. Many times those with more money to spend will pay for other family members to join in group dinners, trips, etc. 

[Mandylubug]

Why wouldn't you go to the activity if the person wanting you to go offered to pay? Would there be unpleasant strings attached? In my extended family there is huge variety of financial situations. Many times those with more money to spend will pay for other family members to join in group dinners, trips, etc. 

 

It feels awkward when they are always wanting to pay but everyone else is paying their way. We do allow them to pay for certain things at certain times. We do visit them when in town. It's just every time we say no, it's as if they were ready to hear no and already have the "we will pay" card ready to state. It's hard to explain, I suppose.

[QueenCat]

With family, I'd probably occasionally accept the treat of someone else paying. Not all the time, and only if there aren't strings attached. We've treated family when it was the only way for them to participate, and when we were young, my parents often treated us. To me, what comes around, goes around but not always in the same way it came around or to the same person!

[Mandylubug]

We do accept fairly regularly in our eyes and we do try to save up and pay our way for other activities when we can. They just seem to want too much and honestly more time for more activities than we are willing to give them at times.

[hornblower]

If you don't want to make it about the money, can you just say you are too busy?

[happi duck]

I think how you answer is important...

 

Want to go bowling? No, but thanks for asking!

 

Vs

 

Want to go bowling? Sounds great but it's not in the budget.

 

These are two very different answers! The second implies 'we would if we could'.

 

Be careful to just say no and maybe if you're going to town for ice cream or whatever then you extend the invite.

[Jenny in Florida]

You know, it seems to me that people who repeatedly ask others to do things they have every reason to expect are not financially feasible and then act hurt or upset that the invited folks can't participate are either not exactly in touch with reality or being more than a little rude. If this has been going on for a while, they should know that, if they want to see you, they may have to make some compromises beyond "we'll pay for it." 

 

On the flip side, I wonder if you make the effort to call them and invite them to join your family doing things you enjoy that do fit your budget? Maybe they really do just want to see you all and are a bit clueless about how to make that happen in ways that would be comfortable for you. 

 

Edited to add: I see that you mention you invite them to your home, but I'm not sure whether those invitations come after you've already been invited to do something else with the others? In other words, if they call and invite you to go bowling, I can see why it wouldn't go over very well to say, "No, thanks, but why don't you guys drive to my house and hang out here, instead?" What I was thinking of in the above paragraph is whether you take the initiative to call them and invite them to join you doing things that your family does for fun?

 

But, honestly, if you are making that effort and you have been clear about your budget, it seems to me that you aren't the ones who need to change your approach.

[Mandylubug]

I think how you answer is important...

 

Want to go bowling? No, but thanks for asking!

 

Vs

 

Want to go bowling? Sounds great but it's not in the budget.

 

These are two very different answers! The second implies 'we would if we could'.

 

Be careful to just say no and maybe if you're going to town for ice cream or whatever then you extend the invite.

You make a valid point. I suppose we are more honest with our no's with them verses others that we'd just say no. Knowing them, they'd still ask why if we gave a blanket no for an activity that we would normally attend.

[myfunnybunch]

It feels awkward when they are always wanting to pay but everyone else is paying their way. We do allow them to pay for certain things at certain times. We do visit them when in town. It's just every time we say no, it's as if they were ready to hear no and already have the "we will pay" card ready to state. It's hard to explain, I suppose.

 

I get it. It probably feels awkward to have to turn them down.

 

If your family is healthy and functional, for the most part, I'd interpret the offers to pay as gestures of love and kindness because they want your company. You are important to them. It sounds like you sometimes accept, which is lovely. :) Please don't blame them for not knowing when you will wish to accept their offer to pay and when you won't. It sounds like they offer because they want you to come and want to make sure you have the opportunity to participate. I would let go of the idea that they are offering charity because they feel sorry or sad for you.

 

That said, you're certainly not obligated to accept any offers that you aren't comfortable with. Stop talking about the budget as an reason. Just say kindly, "No, thank you. I'm so glad you thought of us, but not this time." If you feel you need to offer an explanation, go for it. Tell them what you'll be doing: "We've got a relaxing family day/game night/yard work session/whatever we're doing planned. Thanks for thinking of us."

 

Are they the kind of people who enjoy movie night or game night? Maybe if you want to spend time with them, setting up a simple activity in your home would help them feel like they're *doing* but they'll come to you for a change.

 

Cat

 

[Justified]

I think that maybe they respect your situation and think that you are content. Maybe they just enjoy your company so much that they find it their joy to pay your way. I think that this is not pity charity but a gift of love and affection they might be offering. If I were very affectionate to a family and I had the means and offered to pay to have them accompany me, I should be sad at their refusal of my gift. Of course, if it is that you are otherwise engaged in your family activities and obligation, a good friend would understand.

[Mandylubug]

You know, it seems to me that people who repeatedly ask others to do things they have every reason to expect are not financially feasible and then act hurt or upset that the invited folks can't participate are either not exactly in touch with reality or being more than a little rude. If this has been going on for a while, they should know that, if they want to see you, they may have to make some compromises beyond "we'll pay for it."

 

On the flip side, I wonder if you make the effort to call them and invite them to join your family doing things you enjoy that do fit your budget? Maybe they really do just want to see you all and are a bit clueless about how to make that happen in ways that would be comfortable for you.

 

Edited to add: I see that you mention you invite them to your home, but I'm not sure whether those invitations come after you've already been invited to do something else with the others? In other words, if they call and invite you to go bowling, I can see why it wouldn't go over very well to say, "No, thanks, but why don't you guys drive to my house and hang out here, instead?" What I was thinking of in the above paragraph is whether you take the initiative to call them and invite them to join you doing things that your family does for fun?

 

But, honestly, if you are making that effort and you have been clear about your budget, it seems to me that you aren't the ones who need to change your approach.

When we call first they are too busy washing their hair or some other hilarious excuse. They want us to do only their planned activities on their schedule. They recently announced that they wanted family dinners weekly in their home on Wednesdays. Well we have church on Wednesdays and We are near their home on Tuesdays. We suggest Tuesdays instead and it's a no go.

[SKL]

I think I'd say something like "thanks for asking, but we've budgeted for a ____ this month."  And then soon after, come up with a suggestion that is just as "together" but not costly, and invite them.

 

I would also suggest, "we have to plan kind of far in advance.  Let's try to brainstorm something we can do together [x months from now], so that way it will be on our calendars."

 

I agree with sometimes accepting the "we will pay your way" offer, but you do something to defray their cost, such as bringing home-cooked food.

 

I have a similar issue with my sister, except that she's a SAHM with only preschoolers, while I'm a working mom with school kids.  So her time is more flexible than mine, and also, our kids' interests aren't all that well aligned.  I tell her honestly that I want to get the kids together, but we need to plan well in advance because our calendar fills up remarkably quickly.  Periodically I make a suggestion to her and she can't do it, or vice versa.  I don't think it's personal.  :)

 

As for people thinking your kids are deprived, just don't think about that.  Even if it's true, so what?  People are always going to have their opinions about how we raise our kids.  My kids are pretty spoiled with "experiences," so my sister complains that I "make them do too much."  You can't please everyone.  :)

[Mrs Mungo]

I see it differently than you because I'm on the other side of that equation.

 

1) If I want to do a fun activity that I think would be fun for my siblings and/or nieces and nephew, then I don't mind paying to facilitate that when I can. It's not charity because it is what I *want* to do. So, if money is REALLY the reason, then I disagree with constantly turning them down because you don't want to accept "charity."

 

2) If money isn't the reason, then you need to be truthful about the reasons. If you don't want your kids to go on vacation with them or you don't want to go eat to eat with them for some other reason, then tell them the truth. "Sorry, we have plans that night" or "sorry, we're out so many days this week, we need a day to rest at home for the evening" or "eating out so often doesn't agree with us, we prefer to eat at home, maybe we could meet up for ice cream/get a redox movie to watch/do something else after dinner?"

 

3) I agree with the other poster that if you *do* want to see them, then you should come up with alternatives to sitting at your house. "We're not really big on the amusement park experience, how about X other low-cost, fun, but more enriching activity instead?" Inviting them *first* will give you time to think of some legitimate alternatives instead of saying "pooh on your fun activity, why don't you come sit in our living room instead" every time.

 

4) Surely you do things other than sit in your living room for fun? I think expecting people to be content to just hang out in your living room when they had an activity planned isn't very fair either. I think the point is partaking in a shared fun activity, not just hanging out, kwim? How about a potluck picnic in the park and game of frisbee? Or a family hike? Or something else?

 

5) Doesn't everyone want to do planned activities on their schedule? Isn't that why you wanted to switch to Tuesdays because it better fits with your schedule?

 

6) Maybe making a commitment to get together with them a certain number of times per month and setting those aside on the calendar will make them feel loved without overwhelming you?

[LucyStoner]

If I offer to pay for someone, it's not charity. It's usually because we want to do the activity WITH someone.

 

When someone treats us, I reciprocate with hosting them for a cheap activity (say, inviting them over to make gingerbread houses out of cheap homemade gingerbread.)

 

If you present price as your obstacle, and there is no shame in that, then I don't see why there would be shame in them offering to treat you.

 

If it is a gas thing, just say "I'm sorry, we are staying home that day so that doesn't work for us."

[Jenny in Florida]

I see it differently than you because I'm on the other side of that equation.

 

1) If I want to do a fun activity that I think would be fun for my siblings and/or nieces and nephew, then I don't mind paying to facilitate that when I can. It's not charity because it is what I *want* to do. So, if money is REALLY the reason, then I disagree with constantly turning them down because you don't want to accept "charity."

 

Okay, but if the other party is uncomfortable with having you pay their way, why is it wrong okay for you to keep offering but not for them to keep turning you down?

 

(The "you" here was generic, of course.)

 

Personally, I'm just not comfortable with having someone pay my way for things on any kind of regular basis. No matter how much I like another person or enjoy his or her company, and no matter how closely related we might be, I feel awkward about and can't enjoy accepting that kind of largess on anything like a regular basis. It would make me feel indebted to the other party and, to be honest, more than a little resentful. 

[Mrs Mungo]

Okay, but if the other party is uncomfortable with having you pay their way, why is it wrong okay for you to keep offering but not for them to keep turning you down?

 

(The "you" here was generic, of course.)

 

Personally, I'm just not comfortable with having someone pay my way for things on any kind of regular basis. No matter how much I like another person or enjoy his or her company, and no matter how closely related we might be, I feel awkward about and can't enjoy accepting that kind of largess on anything like a regular basis. It would make me feel indebted to the other party and, to be honest, more than a little resentful.

Would you feel uncomfortable even if you reciprocated in another manner like described by LucyStoner? Because that is all that good manners requires. If you DO mind them paying, then money isn't the only reason.

 

Are people supposed to stop offering to get together with their family members? That seems pretty unreasonable. ETA: It also seems unreasonable to expect them to come sit in your living room instead of doing a fun activity every time.

[Mandylubug]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I will attempt just stating no. There are more details that I'm not willing to put down for public view but I feel we are always the ones making accommodations and compromising for the sake of being the bigger person in these scenarios.

 

DH csved and accepted a huge "gift" lastnight because we've said no for months, we can pay for it two months later but not when they are wanting to. They have hounded us. They have made scenes in front of the kids trying to get them to pout about it. This is for a trip. A trip we vowed last time never again. DH caved for the kids and we'll set aside our pride. He did let them know that we are planning a diferent trip two months later and they were willing to join us then as well. It is a blessing they are offering to pay our way. I suppose part of the issue is we want to own some of the kids "wow that was so cool" moments as experience provided by us. We do provide those type of experiences but never at the rate they can. I suppose I need an attitude adjustment about it all. I feel trampled and defeated with this latest cave in.

[prairiewindmomma]

It sounds more like the power struggle between you and the other family is the real issue.

[Mandylubug]

It sounds more like the power struggle between you and the other family is the real issue.

It can be a between DH and I and them.

[Jenny in Florida]

Would you feel uncomfortable even if you reciprocated in another manner like described by LucyStoner? Because that is all that good manners requires. If you DO mind them paying, then money isn't the only reason.

 

Are people supposed to stop offering to get together with their family members? That seems pretty unreasonable. ETA: It also seems unreasonable to expect them to come sit in your living room instead of doing a fun activity every time.

 

Yes, I would feel uncomfortable about that. For people I really like/love, I would try to set my feelings aside every now and then in order to make them happy. But, yes, I would feel awkward and uncomfortable.

 

Also, please note than I suggested to the OP that she might consider taking the initiative to invite folks along to do fun activities with her family. I didn't say that the others should stop offering completely or that the only alternative was to go sit in the OP's living room. I just think it's fair to take the feelings of both sides into account, instead of treating the OP like a party pooper because she prefers not to have other people paying her way all the time.

[Jenny in Florida]

I suppose part of the issue is we want to own some of the kids "wow that was so cool" moments as experience provided by us. We do provide those type of experiences but never at the rate they can. I suppose I need an attitude adjustment about it all. I feel trampled and defeated with this latest cave in.

 

Actually, for what it's worth, I think it's entirely legitimate to want to give your own children those "wow" moments and to feel upset when someone else insists on stealing your thunder.

 

Now that this one is a done deal, please try to enjoy the trip and enjoy your kids' enjoying it. But I think it's fine to set firmer boundaries in the future, too.

[Guest]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I will attempt just stating no. There are more details that I'm not willing to put down for public view but I feel we are always the ones making accommodations and compromising for the sake of being the bigger person in these scenarios.

 

DH csved and accepted a huge "gift" lastnight because we've said no for months, we can pay for it two months later but not when they are wanting to. They have hounded us. They have made scenes in front of the kids trying to get them to pout about it. This is for a trip. A trip we vowed last time never again. DH caved for the kids and we'll set aside our pride. He did let them know that we are planning a diferent trip two months later and they were willing to join us then as well. It is a blessing they are offering to pay our way. I suppose part of the issue is we want to own some of the kids "wow that was so cool" moments as experience provided by us. We do provide those type of experiences but never at the rate they can. I suppose I need an attitude adjustment about it all. I feel trampled and defeated with this latest cave in.

I don't know that you need an attitude adjustment. I have a SIL who plays head games about activities, so I understand how the undercurrent can affect your feelings about it. There is a big trip every year that I don't want to go on for multiple reasons and I have gotten major blow-back because we don't join in. We could afford to do it, but only if we do that trip instead of the trip we would do with just our immediate family. I'm not making that trade.

 

I wouldn't want to be the constant "charity case," either. Depending on my relationship with the offerer, I would want to tell them straight-up, "Look, I'm not comfortable having the constant solution to our frugal lifestyle be that you pay our way. It makes me feel bad about myself. I would rather do more things together that cost little or nothing."

[SKL]

I'm going to agree (gently) that an attitude adjustment on your part might be best for your happiness.  it sounds like you are a little worried that your kids will come to admire your relatives more than you, or that they will feel disappointed that you aren't "able" to provide as much cool fun.  I don't think you need to worry about that.  I think you need to use language with your kids so they understand that you are making a positive choice to prioritize A over B because you believe it's best for them.  When my kid asks "why does __ have this expensive thing I don't have?"  I respond "I choose to prioritize my spending on other things."  Don't make it about "we can't afford stuff."

 

What the relatives do is never going to "compete" with what you do for your kids.  So let them have a little fun and let them attribute it to the relatives.  And encourage them to feel happy and grateful.  Their relatives are part of the team that is bringing them up, and that's great.  They are getting a wider variety of experiences that way.

 

If you were the one with more cash and your relative was inviting the kids on cheap, fun stuff like primitive camping and card games, would you still be this irritated?

[StephanieZ]

When we call first they are too busy washing their hair or some other hilarious excuse. They want us to do only their planned activities on their schedule. They recently announced that they wanted family dinners weekly in their home on Wednesdays. Well we have church on Wednesdays and We are near their home on Tuesdays. We suggest Tuesdays instead and it's a no go.

 

What a pain!

 

Could you do dinner at their house before or after church?

 

Sounds like a more complicated relationship than the money issue alone. It seems to me that you've done a good job coming up with options to do things that you can afford. That's what I'd have suggested. . .  For instance, I have friends with less disposable $ than we have, and I've learned to suggest the cheap pool or meeting at the pool they get summer passes to . . . or going to a free park beach . . . Sometimes they say yes, but if they don't, then at least I know it's not about money. :) Likewise, if they like bowling, but suggest the night/day it costs $20 per bowler, maybe you can find the Family Night special when it is $20/lane and suggest meeting then . . . That's the sort of thing I've done, and it often works, but not always. 

 

I guess you can either keep trying that . . . and keep muddling through . . . or not. If there is more to it than the money, then maybe focus on the OTHER issues for a while and see if the money thing works itself out. 

[Mandylubug]

I'm going to agree (gently) that an attitude adjustment on your part might be best for your happiness. it sounds like you are a little worried that your kids will come to admire your relatives more than you, or that they will feel disappointed that you aren't "able" to provide as much cool fun. I don't think you need to worry about that. I think you need to use language with your kids so they understand that you are making a positive choice to prioritize A over B because you believe it's best for them. When my kid asks "why does __ have this expensive thing I don't have?" I respond "I choose to prioritize my spending on other things." Don't make it about "we can't afford stuff."

 

What the relatives do is never going to "compete" with what you do for your kids. So let them have a little fun and let them attribute it to the relatives. And encourage them to feel happy and grateful. Their relatives are part of the team that is bringing them up, and that's great. They are getting a wider variety of experiences that way.

 

If you were the one with more cash and your relative was inviting the kids on cheap, fun stuff like primitive camping and card games, would you still be this irritated?

Well, I know I am just in an irritated mood and need to stop, take a deep breath and move on.

 

I think kids see truth typically for the most part. We never complain or comment negatively in front of them.

 

Anyway, to give you an idea of how my kids feel my oldest DS told me just a couple weeks ago "they don't know me. They pay for things, they keep us busy and then we are dismissed until they feel the need to buy us something else."

[Mandylubug]

I am thinking maybe we could change the dynamic somewhat with preplanned dates, like someone mentioned earlier. Eating out, board game nights, skating dates.. if we plan them for set days perhaps the always paying won't be as frequent, we can plan ahead and they can pick from a set of dates to make them feel it's their ideas!

[texasmama]

When we call first they are too busy washing their hair or some other hilarious excuse. They want us to do only their planned activities on their schedule. They recently announced that they wanted family dinners weekly in their home on Wednesdays. Well we have church on Wednesdays and We are near their home on Tuesdays. We suggest Tuesdays instead and it's a no go.

My dh has a sister like this. The last time she came into town she invited us to go to one of those all you can eat meat restaurants which is $50 per person. It would be $300 plus tax and tip for our family. She did not offer to pay for us. Dh suggested another restaurant and she declined. It was this one of her choosing or nothing. She is very well off and out of touch with how most people live.

 

I understand that the OP would not always want to feel she is a "charity case" and why she would decline these invitations.

[LucyStoner]

If you make a point to host in a manner that works for your budget, I guess I think it's sad to deprive others of their ability to host within their budget. We've generally had more money/more disposable income that all of my family and a number of friends. We treated a lot and I never felt anyone owed me because of it. Now, we are on a tighter budget for a little bit. We still host and treat, but in a manner that works for us (park picnic instead of renting clubhouse at the beach etc).

 

It seems awkward to me to shut down our social lives/let people think we don't want to spend time with them on account of a change in our income. A friend saves her guest passes for us to a lot of places we used to have our own memberships. If she says she can cover 3 of us on those and wants to pay for the 4th and I say, awesome, I'll pack lunch for all of us to share, I don't think she is pitying me or seeing me as a charity case. She's thinking her family wants to see mine and she, as a graduate of a PhD program while a parent gets why my husband being in school limits our income until he graduates. Why inject pointless negativity and resentment into a decades old friendship? I think I'd resent it more if I was passed over for invites because I have a smaller income and she'd resent it more if I let a smaller income keep us from seeing them. A single friend of mine has a lot of disposable income but no car. She couldn't skate every week without a ride and with my lower than previous income, I probably shouldn't skate every week at $6 a pop. That I drive her and she pays for me is a win-win.

 

If they are real friends, I don't see why you can't just tell them "we'd prefer to do more activities with low or no costs just to keep things affordable for now. We appreciate your offers to treat us but it's not something I am comfortable with all the time." If you are close enough with them to even mention money, I guess I don't see why you can't just level with them. We used to have a brunch club group. When some people stopped being able to afford that all the time, we shifted to a home based thing most of the time and if someone wanted to treat everyone instead of cooking that was also fine.

[LucyStoner]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I will attempt just stating no. There are more details that I'm not willing to put down for public view but I feel we are always the ones making accommodations and compromising for the sake of being the bigger person in these scenarios.

 

DH csved and accepted a huge "gift" lastnight because we've said no for months, we can pay for it two months later but not when they are wanting to. They have hounded us. They have made scenes in front of the kids trying to get them to pout about it. This is for a trip. A trip we vowed last time never again. DH caved for the kids and we'll set aside our pride. He did let them know that we are planning a diferent trip two months later and they were willing to join us then as well. It is a blessing they are offering to pay our way. I suppose part of the issue is we want to own some of the kids "wow that was so cool" moments as experience provided by us. We do provide those type of experiences but never at the rate they can. I suppose I need an attitude adjustment about it all. I feel trampled and defeated with this latest cave in.

Hounding you doesn't sound very friendly. I can see why it would be awkward to accept invites in that dynamic. If they aren't accepting of your lower cost invites or they are always "upping the ante" that would be more than just a friendly treat. So yeah, I get it. It sounds like maybe they aren't necessarily very receptive to lower cost fun.

[MomatHWTK]

This doesn't seem to have much to do with money.  If you were working, would you spend your $ on these proposed activities? 

[SKL]

Personally I'm going to do certain things with my kids whether my sister wants to bring her kids or not.  If it doesn't work for her, I'm not going to tell my kids, "no Kalahari this year because Aunt __ doesn't want to come.  We're going to her local Y instead."

 

And I usually won't have time to schedule a second outing with the cousins, because we're extremely busy.

 

Both my sister and I look for things that all the kids can enjoy.  These are few and far between.  That is going to have to be good enough.

 

Also, while I like the cousins to get together, I am more interested in the relationship between me and my sister.  That's the relationship that's lasted 35 years and that I'm hoping will last until my dying day.  I would rather spend an hour talking to her on the phone than spend an evening engaging in an activity "for the kids" that feels forced and uncomfortable.

 

 

[Mandylubug]

This doesn't seem to have much to do with money. If you were working, would you spend your $ on these proposed activities?

You know, more than likely we wouldn't because I value time as a family more than just doing things to do. We want a purposefully simple life for the most part and find peace in the simple things. So, if I was working, we would definitely not give up our freetime more.

 

Eta: however, the activities we would participate in, i would gladly, with a happy heart, pay for. We'd just participate even les is my only point.

[SKL]

You know, more than likely we wouldn't because I value time as a family more than just doing things to do. We want a purposefully simple life for the most part and find peace in the simple things. So, if I was working, we would definitely not give up our freetime more.

 

Eta: however, the activities we would participate in, i would gladly, with a happy heart, pay for. We'd just participate even les is my only point.

 

Maybe this is what you need to tell your relatives.  Something like, "we've found it works better for us to limit the activities and outings and spend more down time together at home.  Perhaps we could shoot for one [quarterly / semiannual] outing to do all together, as well as the usual family gatherings [birthdays/holidays].  We appreciate your invitations, but we really need to do what works best for our kids right now."

 

I have friends who do this.  They just give the straightforward reason and I don't feel badly about it.  How can anyone argue with you doing what's best for your kids?

[Miss Mousie]

DH csved and accepted a huge "gift" lastnight because we've said no for months, we can pay for it two months later but not when they are wanting to. They have hounded us. They have made scenes in front of the kids trying to get them to pout about it. <snip>.

 

Oh, wow, that would really have me seeing red!    :cursing:  

[Lisbeth]

This part: "They have made scenes in front of the kids trying to get them to pout about it." - is wholly unacceptable. My rule is, if you go through the kids in any way for an event before dh or me, the answer is an automatic NO. Period. No matter what it is. By giving in, the manipulators are learning that the tactic works.

[Mandylubug]

Made plans today for an activity that we will be able to afford and provided a preselected group of dates. Everyone is on the same page and it is written as planned on the Calendar. Hallelujah. We won't feel blindsided with invitations too short of notice and they got to pick the time that worked for them best.

 

Choosing Joy and happiness today....

[MrsRobinson]

Oh my goodness. Did you crawl around in my head today to come up with this post?! I read your first post and follow up about "the latest cave-in" to my dh because we go through the exact same thing with his family over and over and over. They want to do all these pricey over-the-top activities and trips and go camping nearly every weekend from April through October. We just can't do it. Nor do we want such a hectic pace for ourselves or our kids. So its not just about the money.

 

A few things we have learned to stick to over the years to help us decide if we will let them pay so we can go: who else is going? Dh has a huge family and there are a few members that we do not allow our children to be around at all. Is the activity, event, trip, whatever worth the disruption in the kids' routine? Is it something we are even interested in as a family? Major League baseball game? Yes! Theme park when 3/4 of us get motion sick? No!

 

We are willing to let them pay for things that pass these questions but we make a big deal about showing our gratitude in a variety of ways. We save to get them a really nice gift for their wedding anniversary every year. We choose this occasion because its a day just about them. We make them a nice dinner and write a really nice, hearfelt card listing specific things we've done with them over the past year that we've enjoyed and are grateful for their help so they know we don't forget their generosity. Every time we go to dinner at their house, we bring something. Maybe a salad or dessert or bottle of inexpensive wine. Maybe the kids made cards or we printed some recent snapshots of the kids. Maybe just a cookbook of mine to borrow for a while to try some new recipes. Anything to make an effort. And I always set the table for dinner and clean their kitchen after dinner.

 

As far as how to say no, we are still working on that. Sometimes we have a really good reason (see theme park mention above) and other times we don't so our "no" is brief and those are the tough ones. Very hard to stand our ground because a no without a reason is like a "talk us into it" or "we would if we could afford it" to them. They never take just "no" for an answer.

 

Its still a struggle to know where to draw the line. We still frequently wrestle with a decision and just as frequently come back from something saying "never again!" But its better today than it was 5 years ago.

[foxbridgeacademy]

So from my understanding you occasionally accept the financial help (probably when it's something small or you don't want the kids to miss out) they offer a lot and there's confusion as to why you can't go this time because they'll pay like they did last time....

What I would do is to decide before I answer if in this instance I'm willing to accept $ help (if offered) or not.  If not go with the "we're busy" or  "not feeling up to it" excuse.  If it is a situation where you would be willing to accept the gas money, entrance fee, or what ever then I would say "it's just not in the budget right now".  If they offer fine if not fine too.