Elisabet1 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I have made lists of chores we need to get done. I put myself and my husband up there. I told everyone I really need this done so we can bring out the tree and decorate. Also, I have been under a lot of stress and need relief (not sure if you noticed with the tone of my posts lately, think a boiling ball of hormones here). I wanted to go Christmas shopping today too. I am very worried and stressed when a lot of stuff is not done before Thanksgiving. Even my husband is not doing his list. My 20 yr old son is STILL in bed. You get the idea. Ok..this was clearly a vent. But anyone else having holiday stress and worries over how to get it all done? Oh..and 5 yr old wants the same thing for Christmas that he got last year and won't budge (he is delayed). That is part of why I want to take him shopping to see if he likes anything at all. Change that...for some very odd reason, 20 yr old is out of bed. No clue why. I need to check this out. It is only 1:30pm. Very early for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Did you put a deadline on the lists? I used to get really stressed out when no one was doing the tasks I assigned to them for an event. Then I figured something out: I didn't set a deadline for the task, other than the natural deadline for the event. (That was probably a confusing sentence!) So, if we were having people over for lunch on Sunday, my husband and kids might not do their tasks till Saturday night or even Sunday morning. But I wanted it done by Saturday afternoon in order to feel comfortable and ready. So I built in a deadline that made more sense to me. If we are having company for lunch on Sunday, all tasks have to be done by noon on Saturday (unless it is truly something that should be done at the last minute, such as putting clean towels in the bathroom). The other thing may be - and I've been guilty of this myself - maybe they know that if they stall on the tasks you will end up doing them. So, why not wait? I'd remind them that they want to put the tree up on X date and it will not be done if these lists of tasks are not completed. And then stick to it. I would also talk to my husband and get him to back me up on it - assuming he agrees. If he is not doing his tasks, your 20-year-old son is not likely to be motivated to do his. I tend to give my husband tasks only if they are things the kids and I can't do. His list is short (but he is working all day and often into the night). Make sure the tasks are really necessary. Make sure people have the time to actually get them done. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyroo Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 If you and the 5 year old have your chores done, then could you two go shopping? I try not to let my plans/sanity hinge on other people, though, obviously, that is hard sometimes. Wendy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 It sounds like your need to finish everything is conflicting with other peoples' need to have a relaxing, unscheduled weekend. As stress relief goes, they may be on to something. I'd give people a deadline and a few days to accomplish the tasks. Expecting adults to jump and meet immediate, arbitrary deadlines may be asking too much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 It is anyone over the age 18 refusing to do anything. Very frustrating. I hope 20 yr old gets his own apartment so I don't have to watch him playing on the computer while trying to motivate everyone else to help clean. 18 yr old is in her usual mood. And dh wants to relax. But ever since he moved his office to upstairs, he never does anything downstairs. He never did anything upstairs anyway as the upstairs is my area, down is his. I mean..his area for chores is down. He usually loads the dishwasher and washes the clothes. 13 yr old empties dishwasher. 10 and 13 yr old rotate between who takes out the trash. I do all the cleaning upstairs, except for the chores I give the kids. I also do everything down that is not husband's domain. But I also assign tasks to the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I think my DH would have a fit if I assigned him chores via a chore list or a "chore area" or "domain". He does the tasks for which he is responsible on his own terms. If I ask for help with a specific task, he either does it right away if it is urgent, or at his convenience if it is not urgent. I do not think forcing your timeline on your husband will accomplish anything. ETA: I would also see if everybody is agreeing about the goal if it is a non-essential task. If *I* am the one who wants to decorate for Christmas, but the rest of the family does not care, I can ask for assistance, but not really demand any. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artichoke Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 It is anyone over the age 18 refusing to do anything. Very frustrating. I hope 20 yr old gets his own apartment so I don't have to watch him playing on the computer while trying to motivate everyone else to help clean. 18 yr old is in her usual mood. And dh wants to relax. But ever since he moved his office to upstairs, he never does anything downstairs. He never did anything upstairs anyway as the upstairs is my area, down is his. I mean..his area for chores is down. He usually loads the dishwasher and washes the clothes. 13 yr old empties dishwasher. 10 and 13 yr old rotate between who takes out the trash. I do all the cleaning upstairs, except for the chores I give the kids. I also do everything down that is not husband's domain. But I also assign tasks to the kids. I hope things calm down for you soon. Has your 20 year old left school as well? Best wishes as you complete your tasks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 He is just home for Thsnksgiving break. His chores were....clean up his own stuff. He left behind a bunch of computer parts when summer was over. His left over textbooks are just sitting next to his bed. I told him to pack up the textbooks to try to sell back at school and to throw away or pack up the computer parts. That's it. That is all I wanted him to do. I also told him he could keep the money from selling the textbooks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 All kids were supposed to put away their own laundry. Daughter was supposed to clean her own bathroom. 5 and 3 yr old just help me. 3 yr old rearranged the pantry after I had cleaned and arranged it. She was imitating me. I asked my husband to load the dishwasher. I have been cleaning for hours. I am taking up anything anyone leaves out and putting it in to storage because I resent being their maid. I had to stop cleaning due to cramps and getting physically ill. It is so fun being 44 and pregnant and taking care of a big house and a messy large family by myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 All kids were supposed to put away their own laundry. Daughter was supposed to clean her own bathroom. 5 and 3 yr old just help me. 3 yr old rearranged the pantry after I had cleaned and arranged it. She was imitating me. I asked my husband to load the dishwasher. I have been cleaning for hours. I am taking up anything anyone leaves out and putting it in to storage because I resent being their maid. I had to stop cleaning due to cramps and getting physically ill. It is so fun being 44 and pregnant and taking care of a big house and a messy large family by myself. So if it is daughter's own bathroom, does it matter WHEN she cleans it? I'd put the kids' laundry stacks on their dinner table seats. They can't sit and eat until they have put away their pile. Maybe you could take it easy and simply just not clean some things that are not essential? Take care of yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 When I can smell it from the hallway, yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 When I can smell it from the hallway, yes. OK, that's gross. That would have me mad, too. What happens if you march into her room, hand her the cleaning supplies, and yell NOW! ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 I think I will skip making dinner. I am going to take 13 yr old and the little ones out. If the lazy people want dinner, they can make it themselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 I don't know what would happen if I did that. I haven't tried it. I will go try it.....if I don't come back....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 Also, since I am pregnant, my nose is more sensitive , so it might not smell as bad as it seems to me. But I am avoiding her hallway because it smells bad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 She said ok ok, I will do it! And she didn't get up. To be honest, I am not the best at knowing how to "parent" my adult child. Maybe someone here will write a book on it for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 She said ok ok, I will do it! And she didn't get up. To be honest, I am not the best at knowing how to "parent" my adult child. Maybe someone here will write a book on it for me. I have no idea about parenting adult children... but I think directness in the approach might be needed (for children and husband) instead of waiting that they see what has to be done - which may be never - or following a list (that is on paper and does not have feelings). I would surely hope that telling them directly "I am pregnant and not feeling well, the smell bothers me and the work is just too much for me, would you please do xyz NOW " should elicit instant help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 She is cleaning her bathroom now and has offered to clean the others. So That is good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali in OR Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Regarding the textbooks--turns out it is pretty easy to sell books to Amazon. Enter the ISBN number into their site. If there is demand for it on the used market (usually is for textbooks), they will tell you what they will pay for it. When you are done entering all of your books, you press a button to print a mailing label FREE OF CHARGE TO YOU! Pack up books and drop off at a UPS store. Takes a week or so for them to get them, a few days to a week for them to process, and then they give you Amazon credit for the amount they told you. If a child wanted to do this task for me, I would let them use the credit. Maybe the 13 yo or 18 yo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeAndTheBoys Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Do your adult kids have jobs? Not that I'm anywhere near adult kids, but I think I would charge mine and just do the jobs myself (with the hope that they wouldn't like it, and would do them next time). I'm cleaning your bathroom for $10. I'm starting in 15 minutes unless you want to do it yourself. Etc. Or have the younger kids do them for pay from the olders. The pregnant thing has to be a bummer; I'm sorry that makes you extra sensitive and tired-- I only have one messy, and this is motivating me to continue to try, try, try and get him self-motivated; tough to do. B-- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 We have younger kids, but one thing I've found that's effective is offering the chore up to a sibling....and the other sibling whose responsibility it was, has to pay. I've realized that I don't care who does it, just that it gets done. So...DS1 was supposed to clean the bathroom by 5 p.m., he didn't.... does anybody want to do it for $2? (Of course, the first kid needs to know that if he doesn't get it done by 5 p.m. it will cost him $2 to pay his sibling.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 A long time ago I figured out that dh didn't care about a clean house. Since he didn't care, he didn't see the need to clean. Since he didn't see the need to clean he would not help in enforcing the dc to clean. Therefore, I figured out the minimum I could live with. My youngest has special needs and likes to help. I have found chores for him to do and actually be helpful. My 20 yo does very little. My 17 yo will do what I ask, but I don't ask a lot, because she also is my chief babysitter and she does get dinner for her little brother when I exhausted (frequent occurence as I have 2 jobs outside the home). dh does clean the main floor half bath once a week because we have someone who is over at our home once a week. Figure out what the minimum you personally need and accept it. No, it will not be the way you want. But acceptance is better than the mother of the house being constantly frustrated and expressing frustration to the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I would tell 20 year old to clean or get out. You are not his maid, you are pregnant. I would password the router and not give people the password until they have completed their chores. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I would password the router and not give people the password until they have completed their chores. Agreed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I hope you're able to get everything ready, Elisabet, but it sounds like you're putting way too much pressure on yourself when you're pregnant and not feeling well. If things don't get done, they don't get done. Nobody will die if a few chores aren't finished or the decorating doesn't get done exactly when and how you planned it. I think you need to lighten up on yourself a little bit, and also realize that the rest of your family may not share your priorities or your deadlines, so you may want to ease up on them as well. Your health is the most important thing right now, so please don't overdo it just to make the house look perfect. I know a few people are focusing on your older kids not being helpful, but in all honesty, I'm more annoyed with your dh. He should be volunteering to help you, not giving you a hard time!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 Call an adult family meeting. Explain to them that the little kids deserve the kind of Christmas that they had and you are unable to do that since they are not only not helping but actively hindering. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I know a few people are focusing on your older kids not being helpful, but in all honesty, I'm more annoyed with your dh. He should be volunteering to help you, not giving you a hard time!!! It sounds like patterns were probably set by your dh a long time ago. Your dc learned from him what could be accepted. That's not going make a big change just because they got older and became adults. Learning to accept some people have different expectations is important especially when they live with you. That's why scaling back is a very good idea. Scaling back can dramatically reduce your stress, frustration, anxiety. My dh is great for a lot of things, but not a clean house. It took me a long time to "get that". But accepting that makes life easier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted November 24, 2014 Author Share Posted November 24, 2014 It sounds like patterns were probably set by your dh a long time ago. Your dc learned from him what could be accepted. That's not going make a big change just because they got older and became adults. Learning to accept some people have different expectations is important especially when they live with you. That's why scaling back is a very good idea. Scaling back can dramatically reduce your stress, frustration, anxiety. My dh is great for a lot of things, but not a clean house. It took me a long time to "get that". But accepting that makes life easier. He did not set it long ago. What happened is, he wanted to be the one on the laundry and the dishes. This is because his office was downstairs and he could hear us doing stuff while he was working. Plus, he had his ways of doing things. He wanted that stuff done a certain way. The laundry was just put through the machines, we did the rest. On the dishes, he washed anything that needed washing, or loaded the dishwasher, we put it all away. BUT..he moved his office upstairs a few weeks ago. And ever since, he stopped doing what he needed to do downstairs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 He did not set it long ago. What happened is, he wanted to be the one on the laundry and the dishes. This is because his office was downstairs and he could hear us doing stuff while he was working. Plus, he had his ways of doing things. He wanted that stuff done a certain way. The laundry was just put through the machines, we did the rest. On the dishes, he washed anything that needed washing, or loaded the dishwasher, we put it all away. BUT..he moved his office upstairs a few weeks ago. And ever since, he stopped doing what he needed to do downstairs. "Oh, honey! No clean socks? I thought that was your department? huh? When did that change?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 He did not set it long ago. What happened is, he wanted to be the one on the laundry and the dishes. This is because his office was downstairs and he could hear us doing stuff while he was working. Plus, he had his ways of doing things. He wanted that stuff done a certain way. The laundry was just put through the machines, we did the rest. On the dishes, he washed anything that needed washing, or loaded the dishwasher, we put it all away. BUT..he moved his office upstairs a few weeks ago. And ever since, he stopped doing what he needed to do downstairs. So, it sounds like it's time for you and your husband to talk about the changes and how it's affecting you and the rest of the family. It seems odd to expect the division of labor in the house to change just because he moves his office to a different room/floor, but apparently that makes sense to him. I'd just question it - "so, since you moved the office upstairs you haven't been doing the typical chores down here. You chose those chores because you wanted to do them your way. What's going on?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted November 24, 2014 Author Share Posted November 24, 2014 So, it sounds like it's time for you and your husband to talk about the changes and how it's affecting you and the rest of the family. It seems odd to expect the division of labor in the house to change just because he moves his office to a different room/floor, but apparently that makes sense to him. I'd just question it - "so, since you moved the office upstairs you haven't been doing the typical chores down here. You chose those chores because you wanted to do them your way. What's going on?" It is not that he wants them changed. It is just that it became easy to neglect once he was not down there anymore. I am hoping our "discussion" yesterday will lead to permanent changes, return to how things were. He needs to realize that just because he is upstairs does not mean the downstairs has stopped existing. If he wants, he can take over cleaning the media room instead, which is where he is. But he wants the dishes done how he does them. Big thing about the dishes is..he loves cooking. He makes sauces and all sorts of things. He is a great cook actually. But that leads to tons of dishes and things needing to be done his way. I make casseroles and spaghetti. I don't even know how to use half the things in our kitchen. Not sure I should even try to mess with cleaning some of these things. Oh, and I make a great roast too. I make crock pot stuff too. He makes stuff that involve lots of chopping and grinding and multiple bowls and different knives. I could sum up my cooking with 1 knife, a couple bowls, maybe two pans...LOL. He can sum up his cooking by using every dish and appliance in the house. I actually do not even know where the blender parts are. Or any of those other small things in the kitchen that do kitcheny stuff. And he can leave the entire kitchen trashed when he is done. The food is good, but the cook hasn't learned to clean as he goes. Anyway, the point is, we had a "discussion" last night about this and he cleaned the kitchen and hopefully, this will not be an issue again any time soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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