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If you have 4+ kids and a happy marriage...


jkl
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Dh and I have 4 children. We had planned to adopt one more child to complete our family, but dh is getting cold feet. He is worried that by adding another child, we will have even less time for each other. I'm wondering how others with larger families are able to keep their marriage strong. We set aside time each week for date nights, but is is challenging with so many little kids...

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Daily time together helps as well. You can put the children to bed on the early side, so you and dh have a couple hours in the evening to relax together. Or get up earlier so you can enjoy time in the early morning before the day starts. :001_smile:

 

Time together is a concern. More children means more interference and issues. In some ways I think the little ones are easier to work around than a house full of teens. ;)

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Bedtime is not for the kids, it's for the parents!! Especially for younger kids like yours and mine :) My kids, even the 8 year old, are in bed by 700. We allow them to read (and this works for non-readers too, only it's more like "read" ;) )as long as they like with book lamps but it's rare they're awake after 730.

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For reference, our children are 19, 14, 11, and 9.  As our children get older, our time together becomes more frequent.  We no longer need a baby sitter to go out alone.  Also, I found the baby/toddler/under five years to be completely and utterly exhausting for me personally and on our marriage.  We had no family support during much of this time.  We did not coparent young ones very well.  The vast majority of the work fell on me.  I was sleep deprived and touched out all the time.   Our marriage is in a better place now that our children are older.

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I only have two, but one child is wheelchair bound and just takes a lot of time for physical care. Even though he was more physically able when he was younger, it was STILL harder to get alone time with little kids. They are physically and emotionally exhausting and they touch you all day.

 

Now that my kids are teens, it's A LOT easier to get time alone. DH and I can be the only ones in the living room for HOURS. We can go on a date and know that nobody is going to cry or color on themselves with sharpie. I have to track them down and extort hugs from them, so there's no incessant touching leaving me needing more personal space.

 

The drawback is that they stay up later and if the hear anything, they know what you're doing :-/ still, I find teens to be physically and emotionally easier to parent most of the time. They're also much more USEFUL than little kids and can run the house if you train them.

 

It goes by FAST and for most of your parent/child years they'll be adults, so try to keep the big picture in mind when you make big decisions. Try to cultivate friendships with older people. They can give you some perspective about these phases of life.

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Thanks guys! I'm trying to keep things in perspective and I don't want to wish my children's childhoods away at all. There just have to be a balance, I think. The kids do go to bed early, but by the end of the day, we are both very tired :) Plus, sometimes I need to just be alone for a bit...

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Every child changes a family. You both need to be willing for that to happen. It took many years for major changes to hit our family. You never know when difficult will hit.

This is excellent advice and important for me to remember as we sort through this. Thanks. :)

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I think couple time, large families and adoption issues are all very different sets of issues. What type of adoption are you planning? How old is the child you have in mind?

 

Are you asking how to deal with the stresses of international and or fostercare adoptions?Are you asking how adoptive parents managed to get through the transition phase with their traumatized adopted children? Are you asking how to deal with RAD?  Are you asking about age spreads and birth orders related to integrating a new adopted and possibly older child into your family?

Those things can throw everything you knew about family life out of the window whether you had a large family or a small one. 

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keep reminding your dh - as new ones are added, older ones get older and dont' need as much basic care.  (e.g. they can shower themselves, and put themselves to bed.)

 

and sometimes you need to be realistic that yes, this is a busy phase - but it will NOT last.  I'm now at the stage when I only have two at home - and one of those is almost completely independent.  

 

we always chatted in the evening. it's a lot of little things.  notes, jokes, touches, grab a kiss, etc.

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In this post ( :)) I'm really just asking about how couples with a larger family make time to keep the husband-wife bond strong. Adopting or not, we have a lot of little kids, and dh and I don't want to lose each other in the craziness :) I've always felt that as long as we keep our marriage as priority #1 for our family, we'd be ok, but dh is more worried about this,,,

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keep reminding your dh - as new ones are added, older ones get older and dont' need as much basic care.  (e.g. they can shower themselves, and put themselves to bed.)

 

and sometimes you need to be realistic that yes, this is a busy phase - but it will NOT last.  I'm now at the stage when I only have two at home - and one of those is almost completely independent.  

 

we always chatted in the evening. it's a lot of little things.  notes, jokes, touches, grab a kiss, etc.

You posted while I was typing. Thanks for sharing!
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I think couple time, large families and adoption issues are all very different sets of issues. What type of adoption are you planning? How old is the child you have in mind?

 

Are you asking how to deal with the stresses of international and or fostercare adoptions?Are you asking how adoptive parents managed to get through the transition phase with their traumatized adopted children? Are you asking how to deal with RAD?  Are you asking about age spreads and birth orders related to integrating a new adopted and possibly older child into your family?

 

Those things can throw everything you knew about family life out of the window whether you had a large family or a small one. 

 

I completely agree, you need to think about these issues - if adoption is the plan for the 5th child, that is a totally different animal, and impacts your life in more ways than another birthchild might.  In addition to the questions above, if you are opting for a domestic adoption - what about birthfamily contact?  Completely closed adoptions are not as much the norm now, and whether you go through foster care or private adoption you may need to think through how to handle contact with a child's birthfamily. Two kids here in open adoptions - one through private adoption, one through foster care - and while we are pro-open adoption and we love their birthfamilies, it is two more sets of family to juggle at holidays and in day to day life.  It can be challenging, and stressful, and the emotions can be raw at times.  Without the added benefit of a lifetime of connection (like you have dealing with your own biofamily) it can be quite a tightrope.  You might find that suddenly some of your alone time is spent re-hashing your feelings and reactions!

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In this post ( :)) I'm really just asking about how couples with a larger family make time to keep the husband-wife bond strong. Adopting or not, we have a lot of little kids, and dh and I don't want to lose each other in the craziness :) I've always felt that as long as we keep our marriage as priority #1 for our family, we'd be ok, but dh is more worried about this,,,

 

Oops, just saw this, but still going to leave the above, because it might spur some other thoughts for you.

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In this post ( :)) I'm really just asking about how couples with a larger family make time to keep the husband-wife bond strong. Adopting or not, we have a lot of little kids, and dh and I don't want to lose each other in the craziness :) I've always felt that as long as we keep our marriage as priority #1 for our family, we'd be ok, but dh is more worried about this,,,

Well, this is not ideal but the young child years were just not the best ones in our marriage. Due to little alone time, extended family stresses, financial and job issues, we spent very little time alone and by the end of the day we were both exhausted.

 

The point of my post was that we survived it. Things are better now. We appreciate what we have now because we made it through the thick of babies and young kids and all of that.

 

If you have family or trusted friends and can afford a sitter, get away for a few hours for dinner alone. It is a magical thing. It still feels magical to me to drive away and leave the kids at home while we have dinner. We went years without doing this and suffered for it. But we had no free and appropriate options for child care at one point.

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So, to be clear, it is entirely possible if you adopt you will have little to no couple or "me" time for years. It's very common to have far more challenging teen years with adoptive children than biological children.  Adoption sibling dynamics can be far more challenging.  If that's not an option for you or your husband then you're not good candidates for adoption. You don't have to apologize for that-adoption isn't for everyone.

 

You need to read up on every single adoption thread here and plenty more online, interview people who have adopted and interview medical staff who work with adoptees (pediatricians, attachment therapists, etc.) so you understand what will be required of you as a parent, couple and family with adopted children, even those adopted at birth. I am currently being interviewed (one 3 hours session down, another to go) for a book on adoption because the author sees a big problem with too many people starting the adoption process naively. She wants descriptions of  the good, the bad the ugly and wonderful all in one place.

 

 

 

There are times when prioritizing the marriage over some needs with the children is counter productive. It's time we stropped promoting the hierarchical model  for a symbiotic one.  Rigidly adhering to one relationship over all others all the time is a recipe for trouble.  Better to apply discernment and wisdom to each situation and evaluate what is most needful at the time.  Always be wary of people trying to sell some magic formula or one size fits all idea about family dynamics. Sometimes the marriage has to go on the back burner for a while.

 

Your spouse will be with you for the rest of your life.  Your kids will be with you for a couple of decades.   Spending a decade close to home almost all the time dealing with little kids is a small portion of your life when you consider life span is what, 75 or 80 years now? Yes, if you can get out now and then, DO IT, but it's not going to make or break a healthy marriage if you can't. That's just one of many chapters in a life. We as Americans tend to have a hard time living our lives in chapters.  We want it to be all one way all the time but that's not how life works.

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We put all the kids to bed by seven. The olders are allowed to stay up in their rooms and play or read until 9:15, but we are basically off duty around seven. We do limit outside activities so that we are home every night as a family. We do family devotions nightly too. All of this helps strengthen the bond. We hardly ever get date nights just because we don't have family nearby.

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We are in the thick of this stage and it won't end super quickly as Number Six is en route (due in May). We stick the kids in bed at 8:00 or so. They must be in bed. One of mine is regularly up till ten reading.

 

We split responsibilities when possible. My husband does dishes, I do cooking. He folds adult laundry, I fold kid laundry, we share folding towels. I take care of the littlest in the middle of the night, he gets the rest. (Most nights he gets more sleep than I do. There are nights, like last night, where he gets pestered too.)

 

Often, because my husband's job and outside commitments I am home alone to do it all. My kids are not old enough to even leave in the car if I run to the store. It's exhausting. I'm tired a lot. When he's not that busy, he comes home and helps and we enjoy time together between 8/8:30 and 11 or so when we crawl in bed.

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Hmmmmm, ok. Let's see.

 

So, to be clear, it is entirely possible if you adopt you will have little to no couple or "me" time for years. It's very common to have far more challenging teen years with adoptive children than biological children.  Adoption sibling dynamics can be far more challenging.  If that's not an option for you or your husband then you're not good candidates for adoption. You don't have to apologize for that-adoption isn't for everyone.

 

You need to read up on every single adoption thread here and plenty more online, interview people who have adopted and interview medical staff who work with adoptees (pediatricians, attachment therapists, etc.) so you understand what will be required of you as a parent, couple and family with adopted children, even those adopted at birth. I am currently being interviewed (one 3 hours session down, another to go) for a book on adoption because the author sees a big problem with too many people starting the adoption process naively. She wants descriptions of  the good, the bad the ugly and wonderful all in one place.

Thanks for the adoption advice. I don't mean to come off as naive. We have done and will continue to do lots of research. We belong to an adoption support group and have talked to many adoptive families. We will continue to research over the next few years as we decide if we are going to adopt. I appreciate your honesty though!

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There are times when prioritizing the marriage over some needs with the children is counter productive. It's time we stropped promoting the hierarchical model  for a symbiotic one.  Rigidly adhering to one relationship over all others all the time is a recipe for trouble.  Better to apply discernment and wisdom to each situation and evaluate what is most needful at the time.  Always be wary of people trying to sell some magic formula or one size fits all idea about family dynamics. Sometimes the marriage has to go on the back burner for a while.

 

Your spouse will be with you for the rest of your life.  Your kids will be with you for a couple of decades.   Spending a decade close to home almost all the time dealing with little kids is a small portion of your life when you consider life span is what, 75 or 80 years now? Yes, if you can get out now and then, DO IT, but it's not going to make or break a healthy marriage if you can't. That's just one of many chapters in a life. We as Americans tend to have a hard time living our lives in chapters.  We want it to be all one way all the time but that's not how life works.

I see what you're saying, but I'm not sure I agree. It seems to me that if you lose your connection with your husband for 10 or more years, then when you finally get around to paying attention to your marriage, it'd be likely that you will have grown far apart. On the other hand, if you stay close and communicate and tackle your problems together, your marriage is more likely to stay strong. IMHO.

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We are in the thick of this stage and it won't end super quickly as Number Six is en route (due in May). We stick the kids in bed at 8:00 or so. They must be in bed. One of mine is regularly up till ten reading.

 

We split responsibilities when possible. My husband does dishes, I do cooking. He folds adult laundry, I fold kid laundry, we share folding towels. I take care of the littlest in the middle of the night, he gets the rest. (Most nights he gets more sleep than I do. There are nights, like last night, where he gets pestered too.)

 

Often, because my husband's job and outside commitments I am home alone to do it all. My kids are not old enough to even leave in the car if I run to the store. It's exhausting. I'm tired a lot. When he's not that busy, he comes home and helps and we enjoy time together between 8/8:30 and 11 or so when we crawl in bed.

Ha! I think we're living the same life! Except I'm not pregnant, thank goodness! Congrats to you, though!!

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I see what you're saying, but I'm not sure I agree. It seems to me that if you lose your connection with your husband for 10 or more years, then when you finally get around to paying attention to your marriage, it'd be likely that you will have grown far apart. On the other hand, if you stay close and communicate and tackle your problems together, your marriage is more likely to stay strong. IMHO. How do people that are not American live their lives??? (Not being snarky..seriously asking you this.)

I doubt she meant you lose the connection and stop communicating. Ideally, your husband would be in the trenches with you, and be just as busy with hands-on kid care. If your DH is waiting around for his turn while DW is doing the bulk of the work, then she basically has another child on her hands and that's a whole different problem. I think during the little kid phase, you are still spending a lot of time with your husband, but the ratio of work time to free fun time is going to be really off for a few years. In good relationships it's an adjustment and you ride it out. In relationships where you play well together, but don't really WORK well together, this could be a serious problem. The amount of time you spend alone with your spouse when you're NOT sleepy drops precipitously. Not every relationship can handle this well. This is why you see so many divorces in this phase of life.

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I took Homeschool Mom in AZ's post to mean that you should be prepared to spend less alone time with your spouse/stay home a lot. I think the date nights might go out the window for a while and I'm not sure if you're okay with that. I only have one child and we have only gone on a small number of dates since he was born. I am amazed you make time weekly. That's awesome, though.

Ah, then maybe I misunderstood. Oh, and we don't have date nights OUT of the house. Just a certain night set aside where we are sure to spend time together watching a movie, just talking, etc. We already have very little alone time and have been on a date out of the house about 3 times in the past 2 years. dh is just concerned about keeping our connection strong. I'm not worried about giving up "me" time or not getting out of the house as much. I just want our marriage to stay strong. I don't think having more children will hurt our marriage, but I can see that dh is concerned, so I want to address it!

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This is small, but I have found when I take even a few moments to make eye contact with DH, smile, ask about his day and genuinely listen and respond when he shares, things work better.  He is also more likely to do the same for me if I start things on a positive foot.  

 

We only have two kids but one is rather draining to raise at times and DH is an introvert and had lots of trouble adjusting to small children in the house.  Sometimes he has felt very alone.  Making eye contact and making time for even a few minutes of solid communication when he first walks in the door does help.  Not a perfect solution but I thought I would mention it.

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I see what you're saying, but I'm not sure I agree. It seems to me that if you lose your connection with your husband for 10 or more years, then when you finally get around to paying attention to your marriage, it'd be likely that you will have grown far apart. On the other hand, if you stay close and communicate and tackle your problems together, your marriage is more likely to stay strong. IMHO.

 

I think this is the all or nothing thinking that's the problem.  I didn't say lose connection, stop communicating or stop tackling problems together, I said put it on the back burner. There is a lot of room between close and far apart.  Less close is a legitimate and very realistic place too be for a time.  Equating it to far apart is strange.

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I don't have answers to your original question, since I only have 3 kids. :D  You probably know more than me. But I think being aware of this issue and making a plan together is most of the battle.

 

I do want to address the negative adoption talk on this board. It is important to be aware of possible issues - of course it is. But please don't be scared off from adoption. Adding any child to a family carries some risk. If someone's bio child had autism or behavior issues or another need like this - people wouldn't be warning everyone to really think it through before ever committing to having a biological child. Yes, any child can come with more issues than you were expecting. An adopted child could have RAD, but most don't. Even children who do have much more severe issues than expected, it is very rare for someone to say they regret adopting the child at all.

 

I have adopted twice so far. One had a harder transition than the other. Both were easier than my bio child who had colic as an infant and didn't sleep through the night until 3 years old. So yes, adding a child is going to be tough but it will be tough no matter how you do it. Or it might not be bad at all. From what I've heard, going from 4 to 5 isn't that big of a deal. But I've never done it, so I don't know! 

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Our kids are 3 months, 3, almost 5, 6, and 7. The youngest is a foster child and we've had a foster baby at almost every point in time for the past 2 years. We've been pretty much non-stop baby stage since we started having children 7 years ago. We also have the added fostering drama with bio families, workers, visits, etc. 

 

I agree, the evenings are for us. The kids need to be in bed by 8pm at the absolute latest so I can have at least two hours with my husband to chill out. We have to make intimacy a priority or else it's going to get shoved to the side because we're exhausted from parenting littles. Sometimes it gets shoved to the side anyway and has to be picked back up again. ;) I agree with the poster who said that DH does a huge chunk of parenting and the housework too so we can have said time in the evening to not stress about the chores that need to be done and so one of us isn't burnt out from doing it all alone. Date nights are a plus and we try to take one weekend away per year so we can remember who we are *without* the children. Funny enough, spending time with our friends and on our hobbies makes our marriage stronger as well. 

 

 

 

 

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If you want a practical tip, an early bed time is essential for the kids. It also helps that we go to bed at the same time because we chat while getting ready for bed, talk before bed, cuddle and do other important stuff when the lights go out. ;). I tend to be a night owl, but if I insisted on staying up past my dh's bedtime we would miss out on a lot of time together.

 

Please, listen to your husband's concerns. Speaking gently here, but he may be speaking out of insecurity because he is already feeling the strain with the family you already have.

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His concerns are legit. Definitely listen and maybe even wait a bit.

 

We also go to bed at the same time. Early mornings are our best time together. I wonder if "Quality Time" is his love language?

 

Do you guys have something you enjoy together, just the two of you? DH and I do board games. And often we don't let others play. :P

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Dh and I have 4 children. We had planned to adopt one more child to complete our family, but dh is getting cold feet. He is worried that by adding another child, we will have even less time for each other. I'm wondering how others with larger families are able to keep their marriage strong. We set aside time each week for date nights, but is is challenging with so many little kids...

 

Your dh is right. There will be less time for each individual child and/or less time for you and dh alone, and/or less time for you and dh to have individual time to rest and relax. You'll be adding in another child, but not adding in more hours to the day. In addition, you will both be aging, and the reality is that you will be getting more tired - probably just when the dc are energized. ;)

 

We've got 4 children, and now that the oldest 2 can babysit the younger ones, dh and I have more time for each other - in theory anyway, because the dc are also much busier than they were at younger ages.

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Every child changes a family. You both need to be willing for that to happen. It took many years for major changes to hit our family. You never know when difficult will hit.

 

THIS!

 

Our number of children has never been a major issue.  The length of time spent raising small children, otoh, has absolutely had an impact. Hindsight is a wonderful/horrible thing that shows me where we could have done some things differently, but there'd still be that exhausted undercurrent.

(In our case, I came into the marriage with a toddler. 14 years later, this is the first time we've had a preschooler without an infant on their heels.)

Constantly raising littles didn't appear to have any negative impact until year 12 or 13.  And I have this suspicion that there could be another bumpy ride coming when we face THREE teenagers, a tween, and a 7yo.  I can picture a ton of issues coming up in that period!  :tongue_smilie:

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