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Ah, the mothering of newborns.....


ajfries
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This is me venting in order to help my sister through her....I want to say crisis :) but really it's just her new normal. Please don't quote; I might delete later on :)

 

My little sister had her baby a month ago and is now in the thick of motherhood. All he wants to do is nurse, she's sleep deprived and probably a little lonely. She goes back to work on the 1st and is anxious about that. She feels guilty for not being all lovey dovey and rainbows and sunshine; her heart aches because she doesn't love breastfeeding and she gets frustrated at the endlessness of the tasks at hand. All of this is completely normal (at least in my experience).  She's doing everything she needs to do to take care of him, but she feels like since she's not doing it with joy she's not doing it right.

 

Our mother is useless and has been for quite some time so my sister turns to me. And I'm happy to help...except there's not much I can do except reassure her...I told her this morning that motherhood is varying degrees of hard. This phase is temporary, but all of child-raising is hard.

 

I feel such empathy for her, but at the same time it's kind of like, "Well, yeah. Nobody said this was going to be easy."  She tends to be overly dramatic and I am overly rational so I'm working really hard to reassure her without sounding heartless.

 

We live an hour away and she's in an apartment so me going to her (with kids in tow) would not be helpful. I did encourage her to bring the baby out this way so I can help her. But again, having 3 kids 6 and under does not make for a peaceful retreat.

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Yeah. I do feel like no one tells you how exhausting it will be and how physically demanding. I just finished listening to All Joy and No Fun. DH thought it was this great book and somehow encouraging at the end. ??? By the time I got to the end I returned it "No Joy and No Fun." :-/ I plan on telling my daughters someday.

 

Like everything else, we are also sold an overglamorized view of motherhood. Reality is, it's a stinking lot of hard, tiring work with moment of love and joy sprinkled in. While I'm sure she'll miss her baby, maybe you can encourage her that going back to work could be a really enjoyable thing for her. Hope she feels better soon!

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The hardest part for me was the sleep deprivation. It's hard to maintain any kind of positive energy when you are more worn out than you've ever been in your whole life, and there's no end in sight. I tell new moms that it's like fighting from a foxhole the first 3 months, but gets better from there.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: to your sister. And congrats on the baby!

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Her significant other works; I think he's very helpful when he's there but at the same time if the baby wants the boob, well...he can't help too much with that. She has started pumping & I think daddy does the before bed feeding, which helps.

 

She's struggled with depression in the past & has anti-depressants on hand, which as of this morning she's decided to take. My biggest regret is not getting help when I had postpartum depression (I just didn't recognize the signs for what they were). But along with the anti-depressants is the risk of decreased milk supply, so she's having to work hard to weigh out the risks/rewards.

 

I did (perhaps wrongly) tell her that the anti-depressants aren't magic pills. They won't make things instantaneously "rainbows and sunshine" but  they will give her a fighting chance. If she thinks she needs them, she needs to trust her gut, but she also needs to be committed to her choice. She has a tendency to just take them willy-nilly.

 

She did mention feeling bad for her guy (because she's so emotional and takes her frustration out on him) and I told her "He's a grown @ss man. He can take whatever you dish out. You need take care of yourself." I mean, sure, try to do better (and apologize for the crazies in your sane-ish moments), but don't beat yourself up too much.

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I blame sleep deprivation. It's used to torture prisoners because it WORKS. Also, I have very successful nursing relationships with both kids, but the first 6 weeks is just not fun . . . you endure it for the payoff later.

 

Your sister sounds like she needs some local support. Would she consider a working moms nursing group? It can be so helpful to know someone in the same trench as you.

 

How tough has her life been? I think people who have never really endured any significant physical or emotional hardship are really hit hard by the extreme discomfort of early motherhood. Also, it might be tougher on super-organized types because you really have to go with the flow a bit.

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Yep, it's the sleep deprivation that is really pushing her over the edge. She can cope during the day, but when it's time to go to bed everything is magnified. And then the next day you're able to cope a little less.

 

She's also an extrovert and she really needs to get out and be around people. But you know how hard it is (even if it's just in our own minds) to get yourself and the baby out and about.

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I've never taken a prescription for depression so I can't comment on the effectiveness, but perhaps she would want to try dealing with her depression in a non-medicated way due to the breastfeeding. This is going to be a really unpopular opinion probably, but I'm going to just say it. If push comes to shove she may need to scale back on breastfeeding for her sanity/health (or up the amount of pumping??). I was really torn up about not being able to breastfeed but I tried to look at the silver lining which was that dh was able to do a lot more of the feedings.

 

Popular or not, I think I would have been better off not exclusively nursing my first DS. We had thrush and nursing was excruciating. I stuck it out, and I'm glad I did...but I think it cost me a fair amount of my sanity. If I were to go through that again, I don't think I would have made the same choice.  I do think it would benefit her to look into options other than the anti-depressants, but as far as I know, the herbal supplements don't take effect as quickly.

 

She is pumping, so she'll be able to watch her supply, and if notices a decrease there are herbs she'll be able to try to help bring it back up. Or she might decide that she's ok with other options. I just really want her to be able to feel empowered by her choices, rather than imprisoned by them.

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Her fiance's mom will have the baby when she goes back to work. She asked her to watch the baby so she could go get her hair done & she was really upset about it. About leaving him, I think. Going back to work is going to be really hard on her (as I think it often is) but there are definitely going to be some upsides, too.

 

She does have a counselor, but she was doing so well during her pregnancy that she hadn't went too recently. I'm going to suggest that to her, too.

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I've never taken a prescription for depression so I can't comment on the effectiveness, but perhaps she would want to try dealing with her depression in a non-medicated way due to the breastfeeding. This is going to be a really unpopular opinion probably, but I'm going to just say it. If push comes to shove she may need to scale back on breastfeeding for her sanity/health (or up the amount of pumping??). I was really torn up about not being able to breastfeed but I tried to look at the silver lining which was that dh was able to do a lot more of the feedings.

Most antidepressants are perfectly fine to take while nursing. Please don't let her fall into the trap of feeling guilty for taking them, or worse. Trying to tough out PPD doesn't work. BTDT.

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Most antidepressants are perfectly fine to take while nursing. Please don't let her fall into the trap of feeling guilty for taking them, or worse. Trying to tough out PPD doesn't work. BTDT.

Agreed! MANY people take them while pregnant and/or nursing and it is perfectly fine. I have a 10 year old to prove it. I do not know any first time moms who do not havevery difficult moments. If it is overwhelming, she should talk to her doctor. One of the best thing I did when my kids were small is have some set up times to meet with other moms with babies. Just knowing it wasn't just us and having some extra adult concpversation made a difference. Throwing kid in a stroller and getting some fresh air daily would help too. I did it through the winter and you can with the right gear. She needs to find her new normal. Sleep deprivation is the worst!

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Would she consider cosleeping with the baby to get some extra rest? She's really going to need it once she goes back to work. I know this from experience *sigh* Cosleeping really saved me. She can sidecar a crib next to the bed if she has space, or get a cosleeper. I know people have strong opinions on this, but really, it was the only thing that worked with my VERY attached first baby. 

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I've never taken a prescription for depression so I can't comment on the effectiveness, but perhaps she would want to try dealing with her depression in a non-medicated way due to the breastfeeding. This is going to be a really unpopular opinion probably, but I'm going to just say it. If push comes to shove she may need to scale back on breastfeeding for her sanity/health (or up the amount of pumping??). I was really torn up about not being able to breastfeed but I tried to look at the silver lining which was that dh was able to do a lot more of the feedings.

 

What about trying a bottle of formula at night to see if baby sleeps longer that way?  Also, is she napping when baby naps?  I think if I were struggling with sleep deprivation I would be totally stressed out at the thought of going back to work on top of everything else.  :grouphug:

 

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1. Humor:

 

Does she like to read? Would humor help? I recently picked up some old Irma Bombeck books and they resonated with me even thought they're 40/50 years old now. They're funny and make you realize that life is going to be messy with kids and on one hand you want to cry but sometimes the only thing you can do is laugh.

 

I used to read while I was nursing. She could read then.

 

Whenever possible, tell her stories in a bright, upbeat way about the terrible things you did as a mother or terrible things that have happened. Like, I would tell of the time my 2 year old smeared his poop all over his bed. I wouldn't tell the story in a woe is me way, but I'd make it FUNNY and be like, "Parenting! Ugh!" and shake my head. Make jokes about how the subject of poop is infinitely fascinating when you're a new parent. Make jokes about all the people out there without kids who have NO IDEA. Basically, welcome her to The Club with humor and a good natured "hang in there" attitude.

 

2. Sleep:

 

Remind her to take naps while the baby does. You can only do that for the first. Once you have another child, they may not sleep at the same time and you're up all day and half the night. Strongly encourage her to nap in the day while she can.

 

3. Depression meds. Yes.

 

4. Listen, listen and did I say, listen? Let her pour it all out. Then say a nice, "There there," tell her she's doing a great job and then tell her that it's hard for everyone so she knows she's not doing something wrong.

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If she can cosleep safely, that may help her a lot. Sleep is so huge!

 

Her baby will be smiley and interactive soon, and that will help her mood too, because it won't feel like it's all her giving, all the time. She'll reap the rewards of her efforts. But if her mood stays low, she needs some help for PPD.

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I've never taken a prescription for depression so I can't comment on the effectiveness, but perhaps she would want to try dealing with her depression in a non-medicated way due to the breastfeeding. This is going to be a really unpopular opinion probably, but I'm going to just say it. If push comes to shove she may need to scale back on breastfeeding for her sanity/health (or up the amount of pumping??). I was really torn up about not being able to breastfeed but I tried to look at the silver lining which was that dh was able to do a lot more of the feedings.

 

I am so much better as a mother to my babies when I'm not breastfeeding. I am jealous of people who love to breastfeed, but given the choice between breastmilk and a sane and happy mother, I think my baby is better off with the sane and happy mother. :)

 

Life is rough at one month old. The newness has worn off a bit, you feel like it should be getting easier but you've just been sleep deprived for an entire month and it's just really really hard. It's only for a season. Just remind her of that. It doesn't last forever. :)

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Yes to many of the suggestions above. I'll add that LLL meetings were the highlight of my month when my babies were very demanding. There is always the possibility of pressure from others not t supplement, or take meds, so she'd have to decide if it wa worth it. For me, the occasion to sit around for an hour with moms in the same stages as me, or who had nursed 6 kids already, was very very helpful. The company of other supportive moms was key for me to get through those difficult months.

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Life is rough at one month old. The newness has worn off a bit, you feel like it should be getting easier but you've just been sleep deprived for an entire month and it's just really really hard. It's only for a season. Just remind her of that. It doesn't last forever. :)

This is so true. Our oldest was a very, very difficult newborn. He screamed unless nursing (no bottles or pacifiers for him). And he was the king of spitter uppers. He'd soak 6 or more toddler cloth diapers from the spit up for one feeding. And he didn't sleep longer than 45 minutes at a stretch until 1 year old. I wasn't prepared for so much sleep deprivation, the massive spit up (breastfed babies generally don't spit up as much), and the fact that he wouldn't gain weight.

 

All that to say, three kids in, that first month is the hardest, especially with your first. Right around 6 weeks there is generally a growth spurt. So you're sleep deprived and baby wants to nurse constantly due to a growth spurt. And if you are struggling with nursing, it can feel like torture. 

 

I can honestly say that bedsharing (not just cosleeping, but we do that to) is what makes me able to survive it. 

 

If she is a social person, she needs to get out. With baby or without. Pump/use formula, whatever...but hand that baby to her significant other/husband and leave for an hour or two. Baby will survive. I wish I had been encouraged to do this more in the struggles of early motherhood.  

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My first baby was my hardest, too--waaaaaaay harder than my infant twins (#3 and 4). I knew how to care for a baby, and had no health issues or breastfeeding problems or anything, but the reality of day-in, day-out, your-life-is-no-longer-your-own was very, very difficult. It was like an identity crisis, wrapped up in extreme sleep deprivation and wacky hormones.

 

It is hard. Hugs to her.

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No matter what, the first 6 weeks are always so hard. I love and adore newborns and wish they could stay little forever. However, it seems by about the 6 week mark things start to get easier. Breastfeeding gets a little easier. The baby starts to fall into a little bit of a routine.  You start to get used to the chronic sleep deprivation. ;)  And about that time the baby starts smiling back at you, making it all so worth it!  

 

I guess my advice would be to tell her to lower her expectations... like waaaay down. If she keeps the baby alive each day, she should pat herself on the back and consider herself awesome!  Everything else besides that baby can take a back seat.  Remind her that her life will not always feel like this. It does get easier. 

 

And I also agree with the co-sleeping or bedsharing. If the baby is sleeper better, mom is sleeper better and that's a win win.

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I would *highly* suggest a co-sleeper.  It's a lifesaver!  She can side-car the crib, buy an actual co-sleeper, or get something like a moses basket to keep beside her.  Also, tell her to not turn on the lights at night, take a flashlight for light, and keep it dark and quiet so baby knows ti's sleep time.  In the day keep the TV on, windows open, and plenty of light and noise. 

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I co sleep with my babies too but last year I had to suddenly take my 3 month old niece when her mama had to hospitalized. I thought the sleep deprivation of getting up at night fixing bottles, feeding and then having to get her back to sleep was going to kill me. My mother in law had to come to help with my kids during the day so I could sleep. It really was very very difficult. My 8th baby was 10 months old and I was no stranger to newborns ;). But it did help me understand why everyone asks me about how me and the baby are sleeping for the first months. If other people go through that with young babies it's no wonder baby's sleep habits are such a big deal.

 

My ninth is 3 months and I've been getting plenty of sleep since 2 weeks at the latest. I have NO idea how often she wakes at night. I know she nurses at night still. But I'm sleeping so who cares? ;)

 

I know bed sharing is all controversial and stuff but really it works and works much better than crib in another room solitary baby sleep that somehow our society has deemed "normal". Well ok if severe sleep deprived new parenthood is "normal".

 

Stepping off soap box.

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Baby sleeps in her room; she's not comfortable with having him in the bed with her at this point, but I think as he gets bigger & she gains confidence she might be more open to that. She got a good nap in yesterday morning and she sounded a little better. 

 

Thank you to everyone that had words of wisdom & advice (and commiseration!) I really appreciate it & I'm sure she will, too. :)

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Baby sleeps in her room; she's not comfortable with having him in the bed with her at this point, but I think as he gets bigger & she gains confidence she might be more open to that. She got a good nap in yesterday morning and she sounded a little better. 

 

Thank you to everyone that had words of wisdom & advice (and commiseration!) I really appreciate it & I'm sure she will, too. :)

 

FWIW, that's why we sidecarred the crib. DH and I aren't small people, and I was worried about hurting the baby or her getting tangled up in our blankets, etc. With the sidecar, I could slide her back into her own safe space or slide myself into her space, nurse her, and then roll back out. It was really ideal, though it does require the space for it. 

 

I hope she can get things sorted out. Those were definitely hard days. 

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The poor woman. It is hard, and at the time it's hard to imagine it not continuing forever. I remember having a complete meltdown a few days before I had to return to work. It just didn't seem possible that I would be able to handle it, as it was already hard without having to fit a full-time outside job into the new routine. Somehow we managed. This too shall pass.

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What kept me sane:

 

Watching TV while the baby nursed. I went through Homeland, Downton Abbey, Game of Thrones etc. It was my special time to listen to grownup conversations, and it felt like a treat because I don't usually watch much TV.

 

My weekly moms group. I had one organized by the hospital. Perhaps there is something similar near your sister? It makes such a difference to know that other new moms are also overwhelmed and barely keeping it together.

 

Eating more food. I was running a major caloric deficit, and I didn't have the time or energy to figure out what to eat. We started buying packs of fiber muffins, so I could have lots of grab and go calories. I gained back like 15 pounds but my mood was way better so who cares.

 

Going back to work. Even thought she wasn't sleeping through the night when I went back, I was less tired. Turns out working all day is less exhausting then taking care of a baby. I had more energy to resume parenting when I came home.

 

The next baby might have a formula feeding at night. Daddy needs to be able to take one feeding so I can stay sane. If it impedes my nursing? I don't care. Sanity is way more sacred.

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I co sleep with my babies too but last year I had to suddenly take my 3 month old niece when her mama had to hospitalized. I thought the sleep deprivation of getting up at night fixing bottles, feeding and then having to get her back to sleep was going to kill me. My mother in law had to come to help with my kids during the day so I could sleep. It really was very very difficult. My 8th baby was 10 months old and I was no stranger to newborns ;). But it did help me understand why everyone asks me about how me and the baby are sleeping for the first months. If other people go through that with young babies it's no wonder baby's sleep habits are such a big deal.

 

My ninth is 3 months and I've been getting plenty of sleep since 2 weeks at the latest. I have NO idea how often she wakes at night. I know she nurses at night still. But I'm sleeping so who cares? ;)

 

I know bed sharing is all controversial and stuff but really it works and works much better than crib in another room solitary baby sleep that somehow our society has deemed "normal". Well ok if severe sleep deprived new parenthood is "normal".

 

Stepping off soap box.

I co-sleep, but have never in 10+ years of breastfeeding been able to sleep while a baby is nursing. I have had more than one who wanted to use me as a pacifier and stay attached all night long, which would be great if it weren't for the minor problem of me being awake all night long.

 

I am thoroughly envious of those women who can sleep through a baby feeding.

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Yes to many of the suggestions above. I'll add that LLL meetings were the highlight of my month when my babies were very demanding. There is always the possibility of pressure from others not t supplement, or take meds, so she'd have to decide if it wa worth it. For me, the occasion to sit around for an hour with moms in the same stages as me, or who had nursed 6 kids already, was very very helpful. The company of other supportive moms was key for me to get through those difficult months.

Me too. This was how I made mommy friends and branched out to other groups. In my area there are also nighttime meetings attended mostly by working moms. Maybe this is an option in her area?

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I co-sleep, but have never in 10+ years of breastfeeding been able to sleep while a baby is nursing. I have had more than one who wanted to use me as a pacifier and stay attached all night long, which would be great if it weren't for the minor problem of me being awake all night long.

 

I am thoroughly envious of those women who can sleep through a baby feeding.

That is super sad :(

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I moved my youngest to another room when he started feeding in and off all night (about 6 months). He was the great feeder though. My first was a nightmare with post natal depression and bleeding nipples, breast pumping at 2 am. I refused to go through it again but luckily the second fed heartily 10 minutes after the birth. I recommend she takes the drugs. I also doubt the wisdom of returning to work so soon but I think it may be normal over there? She will be tired and still have hormone fog and mummy brain. She may intend to keep up breastfeeding but it really doesn't work for most people unless they get long breaks and the baby can be brought to them. You need a very supportive workplace to make it work. Not the mention the stress caused by the baby or the caregiver getting sick meaning time of work and a grumpy boss. I have been a single working mum with both my kids and I would never work in the first year unless it was a financial necessity or less than 2 days.

 

Eta. Every lactation consultant and midwife I spoke to warned that dummies (pacifiers) shouldn't be used unless breastfeeding is very well established or you intend to switch to a bottle.

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IMO, if she's had depression before it is most certainly what she's struggling with. Drugs, yes.

 

And, for example, I am not producing enough milk for current baby. (Yes, tried ALL the tricks.). So he gets a bottle at night and sleeps better for it. I'd suggest she do the same. I'm a diehard breastfeeder but lack of sleep affects people in unpleasant ways. I think, given how she's feeling, she should get sleep no matter what. Also please tell her yo gang on. As hormones regulate it will get better and she will feel joyful again. Feeling hopeless and overwhelmed is hard when you know internally you should be happy. :(

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A phone call to the pharmacist should be all it takes to verify that her anti-depressant is compatible with breastfeeding. I have a friend who is taking one and finding it very helpful, and continues to nurse her 1yo.

 

I actually suggest the reverse of a PP's suggestion: nursing at night (instead of going to the kitchen for a bottle) and transitioning to some formula during the day. This would decrease the urgency of pumping at work and allow the breastfeeding relationship to continue as well.

 

If she has been sold on the idea that we feed and change babies for fun and delight, please continue to reassure her that the point is just to keep the kid alive and healthy. If she is concerned at how hard it is to make choices or solve problems like this, remind her that sleep deprivation and depression can both temporarily  impair cognition.

 

FWIW the worst parenting advice I ever got was "Sleep while the baby sleeps." First of all, you have to do everything while the baby sleeps (shower? eat, and replace those 20 calories per ounce of milk? write the thank-you notes? make the pediatrician appointment? laundry?), if the baby sleeps, and some babies feel that they should only sleep in actual contact with a warm, cuddly parent, and only for 45 minutes at a time. Second, I am apparently nap-impaired (which made me such a fun baby, no doubt). Yay for your friend if she can get a nap in, but it's also normal if that doesn't always happen.

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