Need parenting advice--how to get my 5 year old to listen?

[ExcitedMama]

I am starting to feel very overwhelmed and sad about my almost 5 year old's behavior. It seems like a million times a day he is making the same mistakes over and over and getting into trouble. He knows the rules but just isn't following them. We can't seem to figure out how to get through to him. I've tried putting him in time outs, putting his toys in time outs, taking away privileges and of course talking to him but nothing seems to be working. I need him to listen to me and do what I tell him but it's just not working. Today I had to take him and his sister to the pediatrician and it was so hard because he just wouldn't settle down and wouldn't do what I said. We just moved to a bigger house specifically to have more children and a bigger family and today I thought I don't know if I can do this. The nurse was asking me about scheduling his kindergarten physical which I've never heard of and I was explaining I would be homeschooling him but in the back of my mind for the first time I started to doubt if I can do this.

 

Experienced moms is this a phase? Is it an age transition? How do I get him to listen and follow my instructions? Thank you!!

[Annie G]

I would pick ONE rule and spend a week or two working on just that one rule.   It could be the age or transition or just inattentiveness or a host of other things. But start with just one thing to work on, praise him when he does follow that one rule (pick a rule that he has a chance to practice many times a day) and start small.    Sometimes it's just overwhelming when a kid's behavior just seems out of control.  So even a small victory of him following one rule might encourage you. 

 

Hang in there- it'll get better. 

 

 

[Joanne]

Get Off Your Butt Parenting.

 

And code words.

[AK_Mom4]

I had one kid that talking did nothing. Not a thing. In one ear and out the other. In trouble for the same thing over and over and over.

 

What worked was techniques like Joanne's GOYB. Take him by the hand and direct towards what he needed to do or away from whatever was causing problems. I tended to talk too much at him (older sister was very verbal early on) and had to learn to STOP TALKING. Short direct instructions worked best.

 

Hang in there, OP! It gets better.

[Desert Strawberry]

If he's a young five, yeah. That sounds right. Keep him close. He's physically able to do lots of things and no judgement as to when not to. Telling him isn't enough. You need hands and eyes on his physical person at all times. 

It's exhausting, but it will pay off.

[happypamama]

GOYB and get in his face. Not in a mean way, but down on his level, eye to eye, hand on his shoulder or on his chin. Then, follow through -- block him from touching something he shouldn't touch, take his hand and lead him to whatever you told him to do, turn his shoulder toward wherever he's supposed to be, etc. 5yos need hands-on direction.

 

Also, the usual caveats apply -- give him plenty of exercise, sleep, protein, and limit sugar and electronics. (But also, sometimes doctor offices are really, really boring for kids, so you might bring snacks or portable electronics for times like those.)

[fairfarmhand]

Simple commands. No lectures.

 

"You must hold mama's hand in the parking lot, If you run into the way of a car you will get hurt and we will have to go to the hospital. It's dangerous and mama's got to keep you safe. Drivers can't see you because you are small....etc." Goes in one ear and out the other for many impulsive kids.

 

"Hold mom's hand." Spoken before he's ever out of the car, eyeball to eyeball with a firm tone goes a lot further.

 

"Mom said no."

 

"Stop. That will break."

 

"Sit on your bottom."

 

"No more cookies."

 

I have to remember that my distractible one needs simple direct instruction face to face.

[Ottakee]

Is this behavior new since you moved?  If so, the stress of moving might be coming out in this behavior.

 

Is he impulsive in other ways?  Highly distractible, etc?  ADHD kids can have a lot of this type behavior.

 

I agree with the LOTS of exercise and short commands, not long narratives.

[Reflections]

Simple commands. No lectures.

 

"You must hold mama's hand in the parking lot, If you run into the way of a car you will get hurt and we will have to go to the hospital. It's dangerous and mama's got to keep you safe. Drivers can't see you because you are small....etc." Goes in one ear and out the other for many impulsive kids.

 

"Hold mom's hand." Spoken before he's ever out of the car, eyeball to eyeball with a firm tone goes a lot further.

 

"Mom said no."

 

"Stop. That will break."

 

"Sit on your bottom."

 

"No more cookies."

 

I have to remember that my distractible one needs simple direct instruction face to face.

 

This even works well for 9 year olds.  :glare:

[Murmer]

Just want to say my 5 year old boy is the SAME way!!  The hard part is when I can't do anything like today when I was talking to the receptionist with my calendar and pen in hand and didn't have the physical ability to restrain said child (and their door was wide open which he was rolling through, but he didn't stand up because I said sit  :glare: ) Because normally I do hold said child's hand when he is running around like a chicken with his head cut off.

[Katy]

I think it's normal boy behavior.  Short commands, squat down to his level, get in his face so he can't not look at you.  If it's important, have him repeat after you.

 

Also, if you know you're going to be doing something that takes a ton of patience, make sure he gets exercise first.  He needs to run off energy.  If he gets a bad case of distractable wiggles, give him a physical task.  Seriously, tell him to run around the tree in the backyard and back.  Literally assign laps. Make him do it ten times.  Have him do a hard exercise until he is gasping for air.  Burpees. Frog Squats. Running. 100 Jumping jacks. And then 15-20 minutes of physical play time before doing anything boring.

 

It's sort of like a toddler who missed naptime because of Christmas shopping who was then taken to a holiday party and kept out hours past bedtime.  You're going to have a cranky, whiny kid if they don't get out all their energy.

 

And I don't know if it gets easier in terms of kids being better behaved, but it definitely gets easier in that you start to get used to kid chaos, it starts to feel normal instead of stressful.  You can do this.  You can.

[Lucy the Valiant]

Hugs! Sounds normal here, too (not saying to quit working on it, but - yeah, normal).

 

Can you make it sometimes fun? Example: I have a bell I ring to call my kids in from the back field (they can hear the bell, but not my voice) - they are supposed to come RIGHT AWAY when they hear the bell. Every now and then I ring the bell and just hand out candy. :)

 

Have you tried positive reinforcement that he can SEE? Example: Buy a pair of fun socks. Tape them to the bottom of a piece of cardboard - when he gets 8 stickers in a row (for doing ______ simple behavior), he gets the socks! Make it easy for him to win, and encourage his self-discipline.

 

Another example: Fill a baby food jar (or similar) with m&m's (we used the peanut ones as they were big). The rule is that he has to obey RIGHT AWAY when you ask him to [sit on couch vs. jumping, comes in from outside cheerfully, puts on his shoes, etc.]. If he doesn't, you eat one of the m&m's. (But not mean, of course - sadly, in a way that he KNOWS you are cheering for him.) At the end of _____ (3 days / 1 week / whatever your current goal is), he gets to eat all the ones left in the jar! If you're having a really, really hard time, put it on a 1-day thing (i.e., more immediate rewards).

 

(((Hugs!))) You can do this! **HE** can do this! There will be hard days, but - THE HARD DAYS ARE WORTH THE WORK. A pleasantly-behaved kid can have *so much fun* on interesting adventures. Hang in there! He is young, and needs training, and has ENERGY, but - he can obey! He can be part of your family, and work together. Don't quit.

[ExcitedMama]

Thank you so much! I appreciate all the advice so much more than I can say.

 

Yes, I think moving isn't helping the situation. I actually herd him from one spot or another to keep him out of trouble and let him have the chance to succeed. I'm always reminding DH that he can't expect DS to be good when he's not being supervised in a place with too many distractions. He's now at this point very good at staying with me at places and in parking lots and if I am holding DD and bags he will grab on to my clothes on his own to stay with me since he is used to me holding his hand. But at the doctor for example I couldn't physically stop him from being out of control while trying to handle my squirming DD who he was egging on. How would you handle that? How would you address the bad behavior afterwards?

 

He knows the rules for the bathroom, he is not allowed to turn on the bath or play with the soap, but he keeps doing that when he knows I'm in the other room doing something with DD. They share a jack and Jill bathroom which is great because I can put him in his room if I need to do something and know he is safe and can use the bathroom as needed but of course it has the downside of being a temptation. I just have no idea what the consequences should be when he is misbehaving.

[Ottakee]

Doctor's offices are HARD.  That sounds like a typical 5 year old to me.  They are bored and don't want to be there and it is fun to tease his sister, etc.  Can you either leave him home with a sitter while you take dd to the doctor or having a "mother's helper" come along?  Often homeschool girls ages 11-14 or so can be mother's helpers for less cost than a babysitter but they can help watch him and entertain him, etc. while you are still available for emergencies.

[Susan in TN]

Would you consider singing instructions? I found this very helpful for a couple of my kids. It doesn't have to be a big production, just a few notes or part of a nursery rhyme (Twinkle Twinkle, Row Row Row Your Boat, etc.). I don't know what it is, but it seemed to get through to them better than spoken words.