What to do when HS social efforts are not working

[prairiewoman]

We are fairly new to a homeschool social group and my daughter has lately been making excuses not to go. She is shy but considered (by other kids and adults that have known her) to be very easy-going, likable, helpful, generous, and kind.  She confessed to me recently that it is painful to attend the HS group because the other girls her age don't talk to her, don't show any interest in her, and "act like popular school kids who don't care about anyone but themselves."  It is apparent that most of the other girls her age have regular, exclusive group gatherings outside of inclusive group activities; since my daughter is in a small minority of those not invited, I'm sure that makes it even more difficult for her to become one of the group.  My dilemma is, should I make her go?  I am wondering if things will get better with time, although we tried attending regularly for awhile.  I know it can be even more painful when a group is small and you are the only one, or only one of a small minority, who is not included.  I need the social time, and I think she needs more social time than she asks for, but is it possible this is too embarrassing and painful for her?

 

The group also has some kid-led activities like book club.  While they asked for suggestions for books from people who had not yet gotten to choose, she said they overlooked her suggestions and chose a book by someone who had gotten to pick recently.  She was barely acknowledged and not given any verbal "space" to talk about her books.  So I think, without any adult supervision, the exclusion problem likely will not get better.  Thoughts/suggestions?

[Ellie]

Not sure what a "social group" is--sorry...is that a support group?--but were I in your place, I would not require my daughter to go somewhere she wasn't welcome. I'd be looking for a new support group.

 

Are there adult leaders? Have you talked to any of them about the situation?

[PeterPan]

Move on.  What are you teaching her if she stays, that conformity to fit into a clique is the goal?  

 

Find other activities to take her to that include a variety of ages of people so she can learn healthy, normal social skills.  I took my dd to the noon skate at the ice rink for years and it connected her not only with kids but seniors and middle aged adults, all sorts of people.  That's a much healthier way to socialize.  

 

Cliques are the festering product of a lack of supervision and proper teaching.  Move on.

[prairiewoman]

Thank you--yes, it is a support group, and we don't have other options that I know of for socializing with homeschoolers.  There are no official leaders.  I am thinking this is a kid thing that I can't really do much about--either you are popular and included or you are not--and I am hesitant to suggest that the kid-led activities be supervised because when all the other kids and parents seem quite happy with the way things are, it is just kind of hard to speak up.

[Harriet Vane]

Find other friends.

 

My daughter experienced this with a group. She talked about feeling like she was always just outside the bubble. She could see inside the bubble, hear what was going on, but never actually BE inside the bubble with the others. Folks were cordial but never extended real friendship to her despite her cheerful efforts.

 

Dd ended up finding friends other places, specifically through her weekly Bible study group and through fencing. She has tons of fun things to do and really doesn't miss the less-friendly group at all.

 

Bottom line--look for activities that foster your child's interests and see if the magic happens in those groups. Keep filling her schedule with interesting activities and outings. Invite people over one-on-one. Let the focus be on the interesting activities rather than on friends. She is more likely to be content if she is not feeling socially left out. She will be having a good time doing things she likes. And she will be more likely to find that "meeting of the minds" with someone if doing an activity she loves and is good at.

[Amithy]

You said she's part of a minority of kids not invited to other social outings. Could she invite that minority to her own social outing? Sometimes what it takes to make friends in a group is being uncomfortably proactive. It's the perfect time of year for having a cookie bake or an ornament-making party. Is it cold & snowy where you live? Maybe a skating or sledding outing? A board game night?

 

I wouldn't make her go, but I'd try to find a way to help her forge some connections.

[Ellie]

Find other friends.

 

<snip>

 

Bottom line--look for activities that foster your child's interests and see if the magic happens in those groups. Keep filling her schedule with interesting activities and outings. Invite people over one-on-one. Let the focus be on the interesting activities rather than on friends. She is more likely to be content if she is not feeling socially left out. She will be having a good time doing things she likes. And she will be more likely to find that "meeting of the minds" with someone if doing an activity she loves and is good at.

 

:iagree:

[Critterfixer]

I was also wondering about the minority that are getting left out and whether that could be an opportunity for your daughter to show leadership.

[PeterPan]

Thank you--yes, it is a support group, and we don't have other options that I know of for socializing with homeschoolers.  There are no official leaders.  I am thinking this is a kid thing that I can't really do much about--either you are popular and included or you are not--and I am hesitant to suggest that the kid-led activities be supervised because when all the other kids and parents seem quite happy with the way things are, it is just kind of hard to speak up.

With dogs that's called feral.

 

Seriously, move on.  That's absurd.  You are healthy, whole human beings with value and worth.  You don't need to go hang with feral dogs.  Move on.  Go to library time or noon classes at the zoo or YMCA.  Move on.  

[prairiewoman]

Thank you so much for the suggestions. She has not made a connection with any of the other "less popular" (for lack of a better term) kids in the support group, but I will ask her more about that.  I would love to invite people over, but she is generally shy about it and often refuses.  I struggle with whether to invite groups of moms and kids over--even without her okay--since it is something I love to do and need.  She has consented on occasion, but I think it makes her anxious.  She tends to enjoy a lot of solitary activities and needs to "recharge" with alone time after being around people.  Unlike some of my other kids, she doesn't request playdates often at all (although she accepts some when invited) and doesn't generally want them to last very long!  

 

I do understand, however, how it can feel better to be alone and content than to be "outside the bubble," as Harriet put it, and feel the embarrassment and pain of exclusion/ feeling invisible.  Sometimes I feel that way in groups of some moms!

[regentrude]

Find another way to socialize. It does not have to be a group of homeschoolers.

Kids can find frineds through common interests - choir, community theatre, sports, horseback riding, chess club...

Just becasue the other kids are also homeschooled does not mean they will be friends, just like other women are not automatically my friends just because they also happen to homeschool.

[Aras]

My son doesn't like it when I invite homeschool families over and they invade his room and mess up his lego creations. It was causing him a lot of anxiety and frustration. Now, when I invite them over, his space is off limits. That seems to help. We still have plenty of board games and video games for them to play in the common areas of the house. Maybe that is some of the issue when your daughter doesn't want to invite other kids over?

[Sandragood1]

Since you need the social time and support that you are getting from this group, I would make her go but try to find the kids who are outside the clique. This may involve bringing a craft project for your dd with some extras in case anyone wants to join her

 

Your social needs are important, too. Dd should come along and do her own thing.

[Amithy]

How old is your daughter?

 

I agree with not letting other kids hang out in her room when you have people over. We have always made that a rule in our house, unless DD expressly invites someone into her room. If there's something from DD's room that she wants to share, she can bring it out into shared space without inviting people into her room.

 

I also agree that it may be important to make a social gathering more about the activity than about "making friends" or "hanging out." Having something structured to do takes the pressure off deciding what to do or what to talk about.

 

Planning something outside of your home may also take some pressure off. Then you can leave when you need to leave, and your DD doesn't have to feel so much like she's hosting a party.

[LLMom]

Her age is important, and I didn't see it mentioned.  I ask because my oldest son, has always been painfully shy, and had a hard time making friends.  By high school, he had few and was very lonely.  Both he and my oldest daughter said they didn't have enough social opportunities.  If you don't go with this group, I would find a way for her to make friends.  It is so important especially for middle school and up.  And yes, even homeschoolers this age have cliques.  It is human nature.  Look at some moms.  :crying:

[RootAnn]

I wouldn't make her go. I would find other social outlets for me.

 

I have some kids who are able to get into the bubble and another who purposefully stands outside the bubble and frowns at the kids inside. If you have one who gazes longingly at the bubble with a wistful expression, they will eventually either break (cry) or become resentful. Either way, it is not improving their socializing. There is no reason to keep putting her through that experience if it isn't going to change. It won't change unless you guys do something different. You can either barrel in and try to help matters or just leave.

[prairiewoman]

She just recently turned 13 but is emotionally mature/resilient compared to my other kids and many other kids (I know I was not as resilient as she is!).  Most things slide off her back like water off a duck, or she just doesn't complain (took her awhile before she finally told me about this problem).  She is neither frowning nor gazing longingly at the bubble; she just says that the kids who are dominant in the group seem to feel they have enough friends and do not seem to care to make the effort to get to know her.  It is always hard to be the new kid (or new mom!), and I find that too many groups don't do enough to help ease the way.  She has a reasonable measure of self-esteem (so far) and does not see the other girls as perfect and herself as lacking; she just finds it unpleasant and awkward to be treated as if she is almost invisible or, at least, entirely insignificant.  She says that when she talks about something she is interested in (her interests are not identical to most of theirs), some of the girls respond to it disparagingly--I'm thinking it is as if they are insecure about anything they themselves do not do well or don't know about.  Of course they are just kids.  But I find it interesting because it seems like the classic symptoms of a kind of xenophobia, which (unfortunately) seems to be human nature to some extent.

[MariaT]

We've run into that kind of stuff. Over time, it becomes harder to keep investing the time and energy for increasingly diminishing returns.

 

Since she is 13 and mature, she may well be ready for community groups that are outside homeschooling but in her interests. My teens found much more success in social situations when they participated/joined groups that were focused on their interests. They have made enduring friendships with other teens who were not homeschooled, as well as adults who shared their deep interests.

 

I have also gone the route (and this is rather extreme)  of creating a class to teach out of my home, and inviting other homeschoolers to take it. I make sure the description is appealing to my dc, as well as to other students who are like my dc. Students who are not like my dc tend to not take the class. Then we can have instructive time in my own home, in a structured setting, where I can keep an eye on the dynamics.  I build in plenty of group work, I mix up the groups, and give everyone a chance to get to work with everyone else. I build in plenty of time for social interaction, and make it fun. By the end of the session, lo and behold, friendships are formed.

 

Two of my kids are quite introverted, and don't need a lot of outside social interaction. The oldest is much more extroverted, and his needs drove the family for a while. Once he started CC classes, we didn't need to drive all over the place for social interaction--he was getting it in his classes. It wasn't until I read the Susan Cain book, Quiet, that I understood this dynamic in my family. Your description of your daughter needing downtime after social events made me think of that.

 

If you need to meet these homeschool moms, do they ever do a night-time support/adults only discussion time? You could go to the adult-only events.That way, your needs are being met in one way, and your daughter's needs are met in her own way.

 

Maria

[TrixieB]

We are fairly new to a homeschool social group and my daughter has lately been making excuses not to go. She is shy but considered (by other kids and adults that have known her) to be very easy-going, likable, helpful, generous, and kind.  She confessed to me recently that it is painful to attend the HS group because the other girls her age don't talk to her, don't show any interest in her, and "act like popular school kids who don't care about anyone but themselves."  It is apparent that most of the other girls her age have regular, exclusive group gatherings outside of inclusive group activities; since my daughter is in a small minority of those not invited, I'm sure that makes it even more difficult for her to become one of the group.  My dilemma is, should I make her go?  I am wondering if things will get better with time, although we tried attending regularly for awhile.  I know it can be even more painful when a group is small and you are the only one, or only one of a small minority, who is not included.  I need the social time, and I think she needs more social time than she asks for, but is it possible this is too embarrassing and painful for her?

 

The group also has some kid-led activities like book club.  While they asked for suggestions for books from people who had not yet gotten to choose, she said they overlooked her suggestions and chose a book by someone who had gotten to pick recently.  She was barely acknowledged and not given any verbal "space" to talk about her books.  So I think, without any adult supervision, the exclusion problem likely will not get better.  Thoughts/suggestions?

 

I read your post to my dd.  She said, "Do they live around here?"  You are describing our local HS group, and my dd's experience with it.

[IsabelC]

Don't hesitate to leave the group if you can't find a way to make it work. With a younger child, I would suggest that you try various tactics to get her "in", for example by picking one or two girls to see outside of the group. But for a 13yo, I'd believe her if she says she has given it a good go and it isn't working out for her. I think the way to go is to have a detailed discussion about what her social needs are and how best to meet them. She can bring you any ideas she has and you can respond or tell her your own ideas.

 

One thing that might help to bear in mind is that you don't have to find one activity that will fulfill both you and your children's social needs. You may need to do some things for your children, and then find another time / activity for your own social outlet.

 

Another thing to remember is that you don't have to pursue socialization for its own sake at all costs. Every person is different, but the average child requires far less peer focused socializing than is commonly assumed. She doesn't need to have a circle of home educated girl friends her age (unless she wants to). If her main interactions for now are with siblings, family, neighbors, church or hobby groups, and/or 'old' friends from school, then it's fine to keep it that way until such time as she feels she needs more, or finds a home school group that's a better fit.

 

 

[SevenDaisies]

Move on. What are you teaching her if she stays, that conformity to fit into a clique is the goal?

 

Find other activities to take her to that include a variety of ages of people so she can learn healthy, normal social skills. I took my dd to the noon skate at the ice rink for years and it connected her not only with kids but seniors and middle aged adults, all sorts of people. That's a much healthier way to socialize.

 

Cliques are the festering product of a lack of supervision and proper teaching. Move on.

We joined a homeschool skating class years ago. At first my daughter made friends with everyone - young and old. She spoke to the teenagers as easily as the 5 year olds (she was 5 when we started. She now skates as a competitive skater with other competitive skater who are homeschooled. It took a while to find a similarly-aged group of friends at the rink, but she now has that and she sees them every morning. The bonus is that she still eagerly socializes with any age.

 

Move on. If the situation is unpleasant, don't make her go. While it took us a while to find those close friends her age, she still enjoyed sharing her love of skating with the teens, adults or whoever showed up that day. We hung around long enough and found a great group of friends.

 

 

ETA: She does also have many public-schooled friends at the rink. It just happens that 80% of the time she is there, other kids are already in school.

 

Also, my son is more on the shy side. He had not really enjoyed our once a month homeschool group 'co-op' day, until this year when I found out a kid from his baseball league was joining. I introduced the two before our first meeting, and it has turned his attitude around - he now can't wait to go.

[G5052]

Yes, we ran into things like that when we were involved in the first group we were in with Classical Conversations, particularly as they got older.  The relationships had already been forged, and we were the newbies.  I had no problem making friends but my DC did.  We later changed campuses for other reasons, and mine made friends there.  The dynamic was just different.

 

In time they've found other friends through non-homeschool activities too.

 

If it isn't working for you, move on.  You can't change what is already there.

[boscopup]

I'd find your own social activity and let her stay home if she doesn't want to be there. I don't see why you need to force socialization on her if she seems to already interact with other people in a normal way. She sounds well socialized already.

[journey00]

Please, do not make her go...it males her feel bad and unpopular. You do not have to hang out with homeschoolers. Almost all of my kids friends are from extra curricular activities: tae kwon do, cheer, youth group, church, basketball, soccer, choir, etc. hardly any of them are homeschoolers.  Pick three activities & plan once-a-month playdate with a friend of her choice from the three groups.  

[krsmom]

 

Two of my kids are quite introverted, and don't need a lot of outside social interaction. The oldest is much more extroverted, and his needs drove the family for a while. Once he started CC classes, we didn't need to drive all over the place for social interaction--he was getting it in his classes. It wasn't until I read the Susan Cain book, Quiet, that I understood this dynamic in my family. Your description of your daughter needing downtime after social events made me think of that.

 

 

I thought of Quiet as well. I recommend reading it, especially if you are an extrovert. It might help you understand your daughter and this situation more than you think.

 

Here is a link to her TED talk.

 

eta link

https://www.ted.com/speakers/susan_cain

[...................]

The fact is, parenting and being a kid are somewhat political. If you want your dd to have friends you have to start having cool parties and get togethers. You have to have movie and pizza night with free pizza. You can have a pool party if you have a pool. You have to offer the other moms to take 3-4 girls to a ballet or play and they pay their own tickets but you do the driving. You have to have 1-2 girls over every week and you start by doing half the driving. Once these moms and girls get used to you and the moms see that you are willing to work hard to make tnings happen, you will make friends and so will she. No one is going to suddenly include you when they don't know you and you haven't done yoir part to show them you are willing. And it's not actually that anyone is actually thinking "I won't include her or her kid because she doesn't have parties." It's just thSt they are busy and this is how it works.

 

If you spend 6 months at the homeschool group, reaching out, having get togethers, offering to do the work and driving and your dd still doesn't have friends, then it is time to try another homeschool group or a sport or activity where you cSn try a new batch of people.

 

This is what I have learned in so many years of homeschooling. It's just a fact. My kids will not have friends unless I make much of it happen in the beginning and even after that I have to reciprocate for other moms to bother.

[...................]

Also you usually need two venues. We have three- swim team, church, and our large homeschool group and my kids have a few friends at each one and even then we are lucky if we can arrange a play date once a month because people are so busy. So, they see their friends at said venues and sometimes hang out before and after.

 

This is part of homeschooling. You are now your daughters social coordinator.

[prairiewoman]

I have homeschooled for years and have been very willing to have people over or take kids to fun events, and I have done so frequently over the years when my kids have wanted it. I have hosted events for this group as well.  But most of the time dd balks at having anyone over. If she ever says "ok," I am right on it.  

 

The problem is, when someone is shy and new to a group, it can be hard for them to feel comfortable inviting people to hang out if they get the impression other people might have little or no interest in them.  It would be great if people in established groups were more sensitive to that and made the effort to reach out to shy newcomers.  (In the past, I have come across a few rare individuals in groups who had that sensitivity, and it made all the difference!)

[prairiewoman]

I thought of Quiet as well. I recommend reading it, especially if you are an extrovert. It might help you understand your daughter and this situation more than you think.

 

Here is a link to her TED talk.

 

eta link

https://www.ted.com/speakers/susan_cain

 

An excerpt of this talk was playing on public radio as I read this!   :)

[...................]

I have homeschooled for years and have been very willing to have people over or take kids to fun events, and I have done so frequently over the years when my kids have wanted it. I have hosted events for this group as well.  But most of the time dd balks at having anyone over. If she ever says "ok," I am right on it.  

 

The problem is, when someone is shy and new to a group, it can be hard for them to feel comfortable inviting people if they get the impression other people might have little or no interest in them.  It would be great if people in established groups were more sensitive to that and reached out a bit to shy newcomers.

 

Well it sounds like you are not new to the "game" so to speak...I can see that your daughter is on the shy side.  To me, this just means that you will have to work even harder. Not only will you have to invite people over and host fun events etc. but you will also have to convince your daughter that this is necessary...and teach her how to invite people over.

 

You have to invite people over.  Shy or not, people are just not going to warm up to your dd (especially if she is shy and quiet) unless you guys get people over to your house and give your dd the chance to talk with and spend time with some girls in a one on one setting. 

 

Obviously, you know the vibe better than I do...if the people in this group are truly snobby and don't even bother to smile and say hello...then move on.  But if they are just busy doing their own thing and haven't noticed your daughter much, I would give it a few more months of trying to invite people over weekly.  And I am not really talking about group-wide events, but just one or two girls for pizza and movie, or one or two girls for an outing....

[Peaceful Isle]

My almost 13 year old sounds a lot like yours. Just enjoy your daughter for the wonderful girl she is. I would not make her go. Get her into some music lessons or maybe buy her some crafts to do. Hugs to you both.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I haven't read all the responses, but it took a while for my kids to make friends and enjoy going to co-op.  I'd make her go a little while longer and see if it improves.

 

[Tidbits of Learning]

I discovered when my girls got to the preteen/teen years that homeschool groups and mom/kids become high school drama all over again.  Most of the times from both moms and girls.  You can see from my signature that my teen decided that school had to be better than the small cliquish environment of the homeschool teen world.  She even told me the other day that the kids at public school were more welcoming and accepting than those in our hs group.  

I mean if we say that it is political and A ok to act this way...what are we teaching the kids? 13 was the year that homeschooling a teen girl just became so hard and the groups/moms/girls became drama infested.  I would look for things that are not-homeschool related and make friends there.

[mamakelly]

I have a son who sounds a lot like your daughter. We tried endless park days all eventually ending with his feelings hurt because he felt left out. We finally dragged him to Boy Scouts, and he loved it. Find your daughter other social outlets, anything she's interested in, to make some friends.

[Guest PaulaB]

The fact is, parenting and being a kid are somewhat political. If you want your dd to have friends you have to start having cool parties and get togethers. You have to have movie and pizza night with free pizza. You can have a pool party if you have a pool. You have to offer the other moms to take 3-4 girls to a ballet or play and they pay their own tickets but you do the driving. You have to have 1-2 girls over every week and you start by doing half the driving. 

 

I understand the need to show other parents you are willing to host or make an effort; but I think the fact that many people put most or all of the responsibility for making one's way into a group on the new member(s) just adds to the problem.  When children or even adults are shy or new to a group, it can feel very awkward trying to make their way in if conversation or interactions primarily focus on the established people.  

 

My children and I have gotten lost in the shuffle a number of times even in small groups, despite our best efforts to participate, host, ask people questions about themselves to show interest in them (the inquiry was rarely returned), etc.  It can just get very tiring feeling that no one cares about you nor cares whether you are there or not.  In one group, my children felt humiliated and hurt at almost every gathering; the small group of kids their age kept talking to each other and inviting each other to things as if mine were not even there.  The kids were so wrapped up in one another and hardly noticed other children who attended, in part, because of their frequent exclusive activities outside the group, (quite frankly, some of the moms were almost the same).  It was worse than school in a way, since that was the only group of kids around that age, so my two children had no other options or groups to turn to. My kids and I just realized we were likely never going to be given a chance and after months of this painful experience, we finally left.

[Tree Frog]

We are fairly new to a homeschool social group and my daughter has lately been making excuses not to go. She is shy but considered (by other kids and adults that have known her) to be very easy-going, likable, helpful, generous, and kind.  She confessed to me recently that it is painful to attend the HS group because the other girls her age don't talk to her, don't show any interest in her, and "act like popular school kids who don't care about anyone but themselves."  It is apparent that most of the other girls her age have regular, exclusive group gatherings outside of inclusive group activities; since my daughter is in a small minority of those not invited, I'm sure that makes it even more difficult for her to become one of the group.  My dilemma is, should I make her go?  I am wondering if things will get better with time, although we tried attending regularly for awhile.  I know it can be even more painful when a group is small and you are the only one, or only one of a small minority, who is not included.  I need the social time, and I think she needs more social time than she asks for, but is it possible this is too embarrassing and painful for her?

 

The group also has some kid-led activities like book club.  While they asked for suggestions for books from people who had not yet gotten to choose, she said they overlooked her suggestions and chose a book by someone who had gotten to pick recently.  She was barely acknowledged and not given any verbal "space" to talk about her books.  So I think, without any adult supervision, the exclusion problem likely will not get better.  Thoughts/suggestions?

Based on my experiences with a co op that was just like you described (except dd was the only one ignored. Everyone else routinely got together.), I would not make her go. I forced my dd to continue going for a year because her brother had made a friend and forcing her created so many problems later that I wonder if it's part of why she wanted to go to ps. It was a very difficult year for her.

[prairiewoman]

Based on my experiences with a co op that was just like you described (except dd was the only one ignored. Everyone else routinely got together.), I would not make her go. I forced my dd to continue going for a year because her brother had made a friend and forcing her created so many problems later that I wonder if it's part of why she wanted to go to ps. It was a very difficult year for her.

 

So sorry to hear that, wilrunner!  My heart goes out to you both.

 

 I try to teach my children to notice lonely people and reach out to them, but our society is really an extrovert-favoring one, and it doesn't seem that many people are teaching or emphasizing that kind of compassion.

[mumto2]

My dd is also very shy. It has taken us years for her to accumulate several friends. A few of her friends are homeschooled but most came from outside interests that she was willing to pursue. To be honest the home ed friends generally have happened because I became friends with the mother and the mother's pursued the friendship for the girls. The friendship was pursued away from the group setting.

 

One of dh's good friends has two terribly shy dd's also. We have thrown the three girls together on monthly family events for a couple of years now. They have just achieved a level I would honestly class as friendship. They have watched a lot of movies while the adults drank coffee after dinner. Last week there was happy hugs and chatter in greeting, great to see! 😀

[Lawyer&Mom]

When I was 13 I would have loathed the idea of a "social group."  I was already self-conscious about how I fit in with my peers, and a group that was devoted just to socializing?  Yuck.  I'd feel like a failure before it even started.

 

On the other hand, all of my friends when I was 13 were from my journalism class.  We were a geeky bunch who spent more time socializing than writing, and I absolutely loved it.

 

Find a group that does something fun.  If friendships happen, great.  If they don't, at least you learned a new skill or tried a new activity, and you don't have to feel like you failed at socialization. 

[prairiewoman]

When I was 13 I would have loathed the idea of a "social group."  I was already self-conscious about how I fit in with my peers, and a group that was devoted just to socializing?  Yuck.  I'd feel like a failure before it even started.

 

 

I called it a homeschooling social group/ support group for lack of a better term, but they do a variety of activities--sometimes educational, sometimes social.  I agree that especially when a person is shy, joining with a new group of people in primarily social activities can be much more difficult and awkward.  I am always more comfortable in a new group when it involves working on some mutual task together--volunteering, etc.

 

I wish more parents would be mindful of and sensitive to how difficult it can be for newcomers to a group--especially children--and that they would guide their children in welcoming these newcomers or being more inclusive of any child that seems to be left out.  (I also wish they would occasionally check in to see how the kids--even teens--seem to be interacting, but too often the moms just want to talk to each other; if their own kids are happy, they don't seem to care beyond that.)  When a new girl joined a group I was part of several years ago and I saw her standing hesitantly back as the other girls her age interacted, I had to encourage one of my older daughters her age to invite the girl to join them, introduce her to the other girls, etc.  It was not something that automatically happened.  I had to remind dd a few times after that as well.  But she now seems to be more aware of people who look lonely, and she reaches out to them.

[stupidusername]

There's a lot of good advice on this thread.

 

My son is very similar to the OP's daughter: a bit introverted but kind and likable. His main extracurricular activity and social outlet is dance. He is one of only two boys in his dance company. He has been in this company for more than a year, spending about 10 hours a week in classes and rehearsals. A few of the girls have begun to warm up to him, but most of them ignore him (as does the other boy dancer, for the most part). Fortunately, my son doesn't really mind. He loves dancing and is good at it. He would be heartbroken if we quit. If he doesn't complain about feeling lonely, then as far as I am concerned there is no problem.

 

We have gone to several meetup.com homeschool outings, and through these have met several very nice homeschooling families. I am hopeful that this will lead to some quality friendships.

[Space station]

My 13 year old has a high need for interaction, but is also having a hard time breaking into the homeschool social group circle. She is also more mature than most girls her age. Instead we are spending time in smaller groups that are focused on shared interests and activities. We have found a Christian dance class, a Christian skit group, and she figure skates. Unlike you, the truth is that I am an introvert, and I am not willing to put out the kind of effort it takes to be the "cool" mom (like hosting parties and such suggested above). The small activity group approach has been working for us.

 

My husband is an extrovert, and he sometimes does not understand my need to have downtime away from people. As an extrovert yourself, it maybe that you think she needs more time with others than she really does. Even time with people that I love and truly want to be with and enjoy can drain me. Really listen to her and see how much time she needs with other people. Pushing her to have more interaction than she wants will only make her miserable, or at least it would make me miserable, tired and cranky so I am imagining she might feel the same.

[prairiewoman]

... As an extrovert yourself, it maybe that you think she needs more time with others than she really does....

 

I would not call myself an extrovert at all--I'm pretty shy--but I still want to have adult friends and interact with adults at least once a week or so.  I don't think my daughter's shyness and quiet demeanor is only a little part of the problem; she was pretty willing and even eager to go to the group activities at first, when some of the girls paid some attention to her.  She just doesn't have fun and feels pretty icky when, most of the time when she does go, no one talks to her nor listens to anything she tries to say.  

 

Again, the fact that most of the other kids do frequent, exclusive activities together--sometimes right before or after the inclusive gatherings--means that clique has a strong group dynamic going.  Without any parent intervention, it just makes it harder for new kids to break in.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

When I was 13 I would have loathed the idea of a "social group." I was already self-conscious about how I fit in with my peers, and a group that was devoted just to socializing? Yuck. I'd feel like a failure before it even started.

 

On the other hand, all of my friends when I was 13 were from my journalism class. We were a geeky bunch who spent more time socializing than writing, and I absolutely loved it.

 

Find a group that does something fun. If friendships happen, great. If they don't, at least you learned a new skill or tried a new activity, and you don't have to feel like you failed at socialization.

Yes this has been my experience too. I think it's much easier to develop relationships when you are doing something together than just standing around socializing. We have moved every couple years. The best friendships came out of shared work and activity.

 

Scouts, youth group, cross country, swimming, working on Eagle Scout projects including food collections, trail clearing and building, mulch delivery, VBS volunteering, setting up and staffing library book sales.

 

The connecting thread is that friendships developed as a result of shared experience and work. It was often multi generational. Often they'd spent many hours together, had shared meals and were tired. Rarely did it involve standing around chatting just to chat and get to know each other.

 

Also most of the activities involved kids across a wide range of school options.

 

ETA this is one reason why we prefer homeschool groups with classes and activities. My kids make deeper friendships with the kids they created a yearbook with or did mock trial with than kids they hang around with at a park.

[prairiewoman]

I know I am biased, but my daughter is one of the coolest people I know--all of her siblings even say so.  She is so generous minded, witty, and empathetic--she has a strong sense of what not to say to people, what might hurt their feelings, etc.  So this group is really missing out on a fantastic person.  But that is a small consolation for the pain and loneliness of being left completely in the cold.

[Guest PaulaB]

When I am "established" in a group, I try to draw from our past difficult experiences and empathize with newcomers, introducing them to other members, bringing them into group conversations, etc.  I try to remember, even after the first meeting, to keep greeting them, starting conversation, and checking in if they still seem to feel shy, unfamiliar, or uncomfortable.  And I always try to look out for children who seem to be overlooked or excluded.  After all, kids and teens get excited and caught up in what they are doing and are not always good about noticing what is going on with others--they are rather self-centered by nature.  The shy ones need someone to stand up for them now and then and encourage them into the fold--and not just during their first visit. 

 

I think those practices help make the difference between a welcoming group and a clique.