NCMom Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I don't have anywhere else to complain. So I'm caring for my mother who is terminally ill, but until 8 days ago she was very mobile and doing almost everything for herself. (My original thread http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/527251-medicalend-of-lifecancer-frustrations-rant-update-46/ ) Late last week she tanked - severe digestive system issues. She has not left the bed since except to use the beside toilet. She doesn't eat much and drinks less. Until yesterday she was sleeping about 20 hours a day. No pain, just nausea. The anti nausea meds make her completely incoherent and dizzy, though they do stop the vomiting. She went off of them but now she eats even less. Hospice thinks 4-6 weeks or less now, not 4-6 months at all. She isn't however, bad enough to actually go into the Hospice facility right now, though last weekend they were not sure she would be here even another week, especially since she fell because she doesn't want help getting up... I am literally caring for her 24/7 averaging 4 hours of sleep a night. Ugh. My whine: I'm fine with being the primary caregiver. But this weekend was my dd's first home swim meet and they are having a reception for the athletes afterwards. It's only 2.5 hours or so from here and I wanted to go SO badly. I can't. My sisters came down here to see her and (potentially) say goodbye but they had already made plans to be in Florida to see a concert tonight. It's a 6 hour drive back and they can't come back in time because one of them "is so crabby if she doesn't get enough sleep." LOL The irony. My dh probably won't be able to go. My mother refuses go to Hospice for respite care. It's too late to hire someone to sit with her and I wouldn't be comfortable with that anyway because of her mental issues. DD will be the only athlete with no family there to represent. (It's a tiny team). I know I am being ridiculous but man I am feeling very, very sorry for myself and like a very crappy parent right now. Probably I am much feeling much more sadness than dd is, though... :laugh: Georgia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Okra Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I'm so sorry..... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Dear, you need a backup plan. What if you yourself became ill? Please consider what you would do. There are professional services that can be hired in shift work. It might be a good thing to investigate for when the next thing comes up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 That's hard! I agree, there's no solution -- but you are NOT a bad parent. You are "sandwich generation" and you are so VERY not alone. There's even a name for it! Try to send your dd with a gift or note of encouragement. If you/she are technologically engaged, you could skype/face time on cell phones for a bit. Take care of yourself. Don't let anyone talk down to you -- not even in your own head. It's not true, and you honestly can't afford the energy for discouragement right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I'm sorry, Georgia. Can your husband stay with her if he has someone recommended by hospice to help him? I'm sure hospice has a list of people they can recommend--ours did. I could JAWY, and maybe that's what you really need, but I'd sure like you to be able to go. :-) If it's not doable, you'll be fine, after a bit of a well-earned pity party. (Shall I send you the luscious dark chocolate-covered almonds I have that I can't eat? LOL!) Also, the previous poster had such good ideas! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Doesn't hospice provide in home respite care? They used to do that around here, but I haven't been close to a situation like that for a while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NCMom Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Dear, you need a backup plan. What if you yourself became ill? Please consider what you would do. There are professional services that can be hired in shift work. It might be a good thing to investigate for when the next thing comes up. Most fortunately Hospice provides multiple options for a scenario like this. Georgia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NCMom Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Doesn't hospice provide in home respite care? They used to do that around here, but I haven't been close to a situation like that for a while. Only for shorter periods. Otherwise they are admitted. This would be at least 8 hours. Plus we really thought last week might be the end so I dropped the ball. I would have hired someone IF she was still like she was earlier in the week. Now she is lucid and believe me no caregiver is gonna put up with her for long, lol. Georgia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: It is fine to be crabby. DD is getting something better than parents to cheer for her. She's getting to see sacrificial love in action. As for some perspective on the parent -at-sports-events-thing: I was an athlete in high school, where women's sports were very well funded and we won championships regularly. THere were very few parents who came regularly. Athletes were quite happy if mom or dad came once in a while. Really. She doesn't need you there. You are not a crappy parent. You are a tired daughter, sister, wife, and mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 (((hugs))) My mother had a stroke and was disabled and dying for three and a half years during which I had a baby, a toddler, a developmentally delayed preschooler and a traveling husband. I had to choose who to be there for, and it sucked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelle in MO Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 That is such a tough spot to be in. I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 (((Hugs))) I understand. It is a hard thing and there's no way around that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Can you hire a caretaker/CNA to care for your mom for a part of each day? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readwithem Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Agreeing with everybody about the caregiver situation. Next week set aside some time to interview somebody - a referral from a friend, or a caregiver group you could use. We used - very briefly - this group when we saw my mom could no longer handle the day to day aspects of her life - they came in every day for a few hours, then they came in 24/7 when my mom fell and I was at a national dance comp with my daughter. they were WONDERFUL - not saying they would be right for you, but definitely a starting point for you. And one of the first things you should do once you have a caregiver in place is take your dd for ice cream or manicures or whatever floats your boat to celebrate her participation with the team. And I get not wanting to leave her during this time :grouphug: My dh wanted me to accompany him on a business trip in Asia for two weeks but I wasn't interesting in leaving my mom that long - and she's not anywhere close to dying, just transitioning into a memory unit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 :grouphug: I understand. Completely. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa R. Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 You are not being a crappy parent. You are showing your child what a loyal dd looks like. Don't underestimate the power of setting an example of what it looks like to do the right thing even when it's the hard choice. You will have many other opportunities to support your dd. Since it is a small team, I'm betting if one of the other families knew what was going on at your home, they would ensure your dd felt properly included. I'd give a quick call to one of the families and let them know what is going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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