Halloween issues, 10 yr old wants to trick or treat, the rest don't

[Elisabet1]

We gave up trick or treating long ago. It is pretty lame where we live. The churches tend to have a lot, as well as some families. It is rare to see a young child going around the neighborhood. 95% of the costumes are of the horror/terror flavor. It is beyond rare to see a princess or a pumpkin or anything else interesting. 

 

So each year, we want to plan something to do together as a family. BUT, every single year, now 10 yr old wants to trick or treat. Every year, we put up with it and say that the next year, we will make it a family holiday. So, we planned to take the kids to a movie tonight, Alexander's No Good Very Bad Day. But nope. A friend of 10 yr old's who lives next town over (not far away at all, no further than the theater) has invited him to trick or treat. This would mean having to rush to the store, buy yet another costume that gets used for one night, send him and only him to trick or treat, he comes home with a huge bag of candy to gorge on, etc etc etc. Oh, and our family night out gets cancelled. The mom did offer to drive him home so actually, he would simply be excluded from the family night as I have a sitter for the little ones tonight. 

 

I tried to tell 10 yr old that this is getting old, he would miss all the family activity, again. I feel like I have no control over our family making our own traditions when we keep going with everyone else's flow, after we made our own plans. It is very nice of these people to invite 10 yr old. I do appreciate it. But my husband and I both agree that trick or treating is not an activity we want to be involved in anymore. We are fine with the parties and church parties and stuff like that, decorating pumpkins, even boo'ing other people. But I have no interest in going out, again, to plop down a bunch of money, again, on another costume, again, only to have my child go do something different from the rest of the family, again, to prevent us from having our family night, again, and then try to state...maybe NEXT year we will do what we want. But then 10 yr old is putting on his horribly sad face saying how he will eventually be too old for this and he wants to do it while he still can.

 

WWYD?

[vonfirmath]

It sounds like family plans have already been made. I would not change them at the last minute.

 

[SJ.]

I would try to piece together something from what I have at home. I agree with your DS, he will eventually feel too old for TOT. Let him enjoy it while it is still fun for him.

[carriede]

Maybe buy him a super king sized candy bar at the movie?

[Lady Marmalade]

As I look at my ten year old... my requirement for him going TOT would be that HE puts the effort into coming up with a good costume from things here at home.  And I would mean an decent attempt at a costume, not some pajamas and call himself Pajama Man.   He would also understand that while he may choose ten special pieces of candy out of his bag, the rest will go into a bowl for everyone to enjoy.   There would be no single child in my home hoarding a candy stash from everyone else. 

 

Then I would call the other mom and make sure that the time he'll be with that family will jive with the timing of the family movie.  The take the family to see the movie.  If ten year old chooses to TOT, then he loses out on the very fun movie time.  

 

It already sounds like it's not a true family night (meaning everyone is participating) if you're leaving little ones at home with a sitter.   Let the ten year old be a ten year old and the rest of you can enjoy a movie out.  

[kentuckymom]

I wouldn't buy him a costume, but I would let him trick or treat. Work with him to piece together something from around the house, or perhaps ask if his friend has some things he can borrow.

 

Can't you just send him trick or treating with the friend and the rest of the family can do the family movie night?

 

It's your family and your choice, of course, but it doesn't seem hard to me to make everyone happy in this instance.

[Danestress]

Maybe you should do a fun family outing night a different night and just do an at home movie night with everyone else tonight. Since he is the only one really interested, you only have to manage one costume that way, and you can pass out small pieces of cheap candy at home or just turn off the outside lights and indicate you aren't passing candy out. Everyone wins!

[regentrude]

I would let him go. I would not buy a costume (and never have), but find things around the house he can use for a costume.

He wants to do this more than a family event, so I'd respect his choice, since there is a possible workaround (ride home, sitter), and his choice would not prevent the rest of you from doing something else. I don't see why your family night out would get cancelled by his TOTing.

I see no purpose in forcing a child who would rather do something else to participate in a family thing instead, just because *I* would like that better. Apparently he does not mind missing what the rest of you are going to do.

 

Why does your family event have to be on Halloween night? Can't you do something as a family the next day, so that there is no conflict between the two?

[bolt.]

If I trusted the other family, I'd allow him to accept the invitation. He's not a young kid, and I think only the most important family activities should be 'manditory' at that age. Halloween isn't usually a "family holiday" -- so I don't really think it's a good idea to make a big deal of his presence/absence.

 

However, all the problems would be his to solve. Give him $10 (or something) towards a costume and let him make his own plans and arrangements. His goal = his effort. Don't absorb it for him.

[marbel]

It sounds as if the 10-year-old has gotten to trick or treat for several years now, while everyone else in the family has wanted to do something different, is that right?   If so, then I would say, keep to the plans your family made.

 

On the other hand, if the 10-year-old is the youngest, and the reason no one else wants to ToT is because they've simply aged out of it, I would let the 10-year-old go.   It would be a bit unfair to the youngest to cut ToTing short if the others got years of it and are too old for it now.

 

I'm not clear from the OP if that's the case, though. 

[HS Mom in NC]

You can see from my signature that I have a wide age spread.  That naturally created a divide due to the normal child development process.  My youngest is the only one who trick or treats.  The older two are too old for it and have been for quite a while now. 

I don't think my youngest should be denied trick or treating because her siblings are too old for it. I wouldn't tell the older two they had to stay home and trick or treat just because that's what little sister is doing.  Young children trick or treat in our house.  Our family holiday time was yesterday when everyone stayed home to have dinner together and carve pumpkins together (Boyfriends of the older two were invited.  One made it, the other was working.) Tonight the oldest will go to a friend's Halloween Party for mid to late teens.  The middle will go to boyfriend's grandmother's house to hand out candy and watch scary movies.

 

Sometimes homeschoolers, who are very family oriented people, have a hard time transitioning to new phases of family life. A divide in family activities is very upsetting to some.  You have to make decisions based on what your family is now, not what it was.  Find a way to schedule things so that everyone's activities can be accommodated as long as it's not unusually demanding or overwhelming. 

If you had a moral objection to Halloween I would tell you not to let your youngest go, but you've been allowing trick or treating in the past with the other kids if I read your OP correctly, so I don't see a good reason to deny the youngest one the opportunity now.  There's no reason your family can't go see the movie together another time when it works for everyone. Halloween comes but once a year for one short evening.

I wouldn't spend much on a costume.  See what he can together out of your closets and buy under $10 worth of accessories or face paints or something.  Wear last year's costume. I'm sure he's a smart kid-he can figure something out.

[Haiku]

Trick or treating comes once a year. You can have family night any night. I say let him go. If you don't have to drive or hand out candy yourself, then your desire not to be involved is satisfied and your ds gets what he wants. Win-win. Have him make his own costume.

 

Honestly, if you've let your son trick or treat in the past and he likes it, it's kinda grinchy to suddenly ban him from doing it. Most kids trick or treat and really enjoy it. What's the harm?

[Χά�ων]

Trick or treating comes once a year. You can have family night any night. I say let him go. If you don't have to drive or hand out candy yourself, then your desire not to be involved is satisfied and your ds gets what he wants. Win-win. Have him make his own costume.

 

Honestly, if you've let your son trick or treat in the past and he likes it, it's kinda grinchy to suddenly ban him from doing it. Most kids trick or treat and really enjoy it. What's the harm?

This.

[Night Elf]

He should definitely do a closet costume. Does your DH have a dress shirt and tie? Roll up those sleeves. How about a cool hat? If anyone asks who he is, he's an overworked office worker. :)

[Acorn]

Let him go trick or treating, he can find a costume at home. If he likes Minecraft we found pdf files of the faces to glue on a box head.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I'd let him go and I'd probably even run to the store to pick up some kind of accessory or make up if needed to go with what you have on hand... (DS is going a a "Cereal Killer" with an empty box of cereal and a spoon, DD is using an old red vampire cape and the wolfs head from DS's costume last year as her "trophy".... she's Red Riding Hood.  My nephew is writing "Error 404: No Costume Found" on a white shirt.  Costumes don't have to expensive or store bought to be good.  

[zoobie]

I'd let him make a costume and go trick or treating with his friend. The rest of you can go to the movie as planned.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Our family doesn't celebrate Halloween but that has always been the case.  If you change midstream, I would assume that it would be harder, esp. since it doesn't seem like you have really set feelings about it that were communicated clearly to the children.  

[Sherry in OH]

If I understand correctly, your family participated in trick or treating in the past.  You are not religiously opposed to celebrating Halloween. You are ok with organized parties.  You just don’t want to deal with costumes and candy. 

 

In my opinion you and your husband are being unfair.  You have already established a tradition of trick or treating and your 10-year old is not ready to give it up.  Costumes do not need to be purchased.  He can wear sports gear and be a football, basketball, or baseball player.  Blue jeans, long sleeved shirt, a bandana around his neck and a homemade star make an old west costume.  You must have something in your house that can be used for a costume.

 

Also, if there is a sitter for the younger children, the movie is not a family event. Family events are whole family. The movie is a treat for those old enough to enjoy it.  The 10-year old has the choice of the movie or trick or treating.  As parents, you could require him to participate in the already planned movie.  Forced participation is not likely to be happy participation.  

 

My thoughts would change if he and his friend conspired to wrangle the invitation.  If he asked his friend to ask his mother for the invite knowing you had other plans for the evening, then no, he doesn’t get to go.  If the mother is asking because her son really wants a buddy to walk with, I would let him go.  

[Eagle]

My nephew is writing "Error 404: No Costume Found" on a white shirt.

LOL. I love it!

[hornblower]

I'd let him go. I'd be glad he has friends who invited him & a friend's mom who has offered to drive him home.

I'd help him make a costume with stuff from home. 

(& an aside - you never know if the other child is lonely & the other mother is holding her breath hoping her son's friend is able to come...)

[songsparrow]

His friend might even have a costume that he can borrow.

[Chris in VA]

This is the first year dd has aged out of TorT.

 

I'd let him go!

 

Agreeing, find a costume around the house. It's EASY. Share the candy! Eat some for 2 days, freeze some, and give the rest to someone else (dentist buy back near you?).

 

And also agreeing, it's not a family movie if the littles can't come.

 

I do hear you, though. We have kids who are years apart. We had to be conscious of giving up traditions too soon, so dd would still get to participate. We carved a pumpkin Thurs, even tho I'd rather be done with that aspect.

[MedicMom]

Let him go.

My family growing up did not ToT due to religious reasons. I still feel like I missed out, and I'm 33.

 

He won't want to do it much longer. Let him be a kid and have fun now.

[Elisabet1]

Older kids did not trick or treat. They did once or twice and never liked it. 10 yr old went to public school a short time and started going during that time and we started having to cancel our family nights. This is the first time we went with going to a movie, that is why those too little for the movie are not going. I, personally, hate Halloween. I won't have anything to do with it. I do not want this thread to turn in to a debate of the merits of Halloween, so I am not going to list my objections. I have no interest in a history of religion lecture either. I respect others choices to celebrate their holidays of choice. The only reason my 10 yr old ever got in to it is because he was at public school where his friends did it. He never would have done it based on anything in our family. None of our kids have liked Halloween. We have done fall festivals though, and things with church and such. Costumes are allowed. But that is not the same as trick or treating with the scary horror theme and horror movies and all that.

[MomatHWTK]

I think at 10, it is probably way more about the social aspect of being with his friend than anything else and if we trusted the family I would allow him to go.  Movies happen any night, fun with friends isn't always available. As far as not wanting him to go because of personal objections, that ship kind of sailed when he was allowed to go the first time.  If you reverse now, you'll have to explain why. KWIM? 

[Night Elf]

Older kids did not trick or treat. They did once or twice and never liked it. 10 yr old went to public school a short time and started going during that time and we started having to cancel our family nights. This is the first time we went with going to a movie, that is why those too little for the movie are not going. I, personally, hate Halloween. I won't have anything to do with it. I do not want this thread to turn in to a debate of the merits of Halloween, so I am not going to list my objections. I have no interest in a history of religion lecture either. I respect others choices to celebrate their holidays of choice. The only reason my 10 yr old ever got in to it is because he was at public school where his friends did it. He never would have done it based on anything in our family. None of our kids have liked Halloween. We have done fall festivals though, and things with church and such. Costumes are allowed. But that is not the same as trick or treating with the scary horror theme and horror movies and all that.

 

Honestly, this post has an angry tone. If you are that upset about it, simply tell him you already made plans and you'll buy him candy at the theater. He may be upset for a little while but he'll get over it.

[chiguirre]

Older kids did not trick or treat. They did once or twice and never liked it. 10 yr old went to public school a short time and started going during that time and we started having to cancel our family nights.

 

The no ToT ship sailed when you let your now adult kids do it years ago. Your 10 yo knows that you've let his sibs and him go before and he'll be grumpy if you say no this year. They may not have liked it, but this kid does.

 

You can make him go to the movie, but it's possible he'll ruin it for everyone. That's a fairly big risk for full price admission for a bunch of people. If you really want to do something as a family instead of letting him ToT, I'd find something at home so that you won't risk getting the whole crew kicked out of the theater if he decides to pitch a fit in public.

[bolt.]

Older kids did not trick or treat. They did once or twice and never liked it. 10 yr old went to public school a short time and started going during that time and we started having to cancel our family nights. This is the first time we went with going to a movie, that is why those too little for the movie are not going. I, personally, hate Halloween. I won't have anything to do with it. I do not want this thread to turn in to a debate of the merits of Halloween, so I am not going to list my objections. I have no interest in a history of religion lecture either. I respect others choices to celebrate their holidays of choice. The only reason my 10 yr old ever got in to it is because he was at public school where his friends did it. He never would have done it based on anything in our family. None of our kids have liked Halloween. We have done fall festivals though, and things with church and such. Costumes are allowed. But that is not the same as trick or treating with the scary horror theme and horror movies and all that.

I'm glad that you've decided that you will respect others choices to celebrate their holidays of choice. It really sounds like your son wants to celebrate Halloween by trick or treating.

[Jilly]

Obviously you do not want him to go at all, so you should just tell him no and deal with the repercussions. The only other option is to let him go and be mad about it all night. Personally, if it were my son, I would happily allow him to go, and I would pull together some costume from items around the house. 

[LucyStoner]

ToT trumps all other plans on Halloween night (provided it doesn't violate your religious beliefs).

[Lady Florida.]

Older kids did not trick or treat. They did once or twice and never liked it. 10 yr old went to public school a short time and started going during that time and we started having to cancel our family nights. This is the first time we went with going to a movie, that is why those too little for the movie are not going. I, personally, hate Halloween. I won't have anything to do with it. I do not want this thread to turn in to a debate of the merits of Halloween, so I am not going to list my objections. I have no interest in a history of religion lecture either. I respect others choices to celebrate their holidays of choice. The only reason my 10 yr old ever got in to it is because he was at public school where his friends did it. He never would have done it based on anything in our family. None of our kids have liked Halloween. We have done fall festivals though, and things with church and such. Costumes are allowed. But that is not the same as trick or treating with the scary horror theme and horror movies and all that.

 

 

Honestly, this post has an angry tone.

 

Yes it does, and it's confusing. What was the intent of your original post? At the very end of your OP, you asked:

 

 

 

WWYD?

 

And people are telling you what they would do. That's what WWYD is for. It's a natural thing to get into an explanation too. Most people won't just say they'd let him go or they wouldn't let him go. Most, are saying whether they would or wouldn't let him ToT, and are naturally explaining the reasons for their position. So what is it you want? Because it you wanted a Just Agree With Me you should have posted JAWM rather than WWYD.

 

As for me, I'm in the camp of let him go. My reasons for saying that are pretty much what others have stated. Family movie night can happen any night, while ToT is once a year, plus he's 10 so he probably won't want to do this many more years. 

[Joyofsixreboot]

I'd give him a sack and a sheet and let him do his thing. YMMV

[kitten18]

ToT trumps all other plans on Halloween night (provided it doesn't violate your religious beliefs).

I agree.

It's not like he wants to go hang out with his friends instead of going to Christmas dinner, it's Halloween, the night for ToT.

[MeAndTheBoys]

Does he just want the candy?  My boys don't like costumes, and every year it was like pulling teeth to force them to think of something, to make them a costume, to take them Trick or Treating or to a festival--

 

Last year, I said, "No more!!!"  We went to Walmart, I let each boy pick out a bag of candy for themselves.  We came home and mixed it so they each got some from each type.  (We bought separate candy to hand out).  Now we stay home, they watch a movie and they answer the door and hand out candy.

 

They're thrilled--they get lots of candy without all the hard work (although really, if they hand out the candy, they are earning it--I HATE handing out candy).

 

Talk with him and figure out if the candy is the draw, and find a way to make up for it :)

 

ETA--and this year, they are thrilled--it's cold, and they are like, "Why would we want to walk ALL OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD to get one piece of candy at a time?  This is awesome---" 

 

B-------

We gave up trick or treating long ago. It is pretty lame where we live. The churches tend to have a lot, as well as some families. It is rare to see a young child going around the neighborhood. 95% of the costumes are of the horror/terror flavor. It is beyond rare to see a princess or a pumpkin or anything else interesting. 

 

So each year, we want to plan something to do together as a family. BUT, every single year, now 10 yr old wants to trick or treat. Every year, we put up with it and say that the next year, we will make it a family holiday. So, we planned to take the kids to a movie tonight, Alexander's No Good Very Bad Day. But nope. A friend of 10 yr old's who lives next town over (not far away at all, no further than the theater) has invited him to trick or treat. This would mean having to rush to the store, buy yet another costume that gets used for one night, send him and only him to trick or treat, he comes home with a huge bag of candy to gorge on, etc etc etc. Oh, and our family night out gets cancelled. The mom did offer to drive him home so actually, he would simply be excluded from the family night as I have a sitter for the little ones tonight. 

 

I tried to tell 10 yr old that this is getting old, he would miss all the family activity, again. I feel like I have no control over our family making our own traditions when we keep going with everyone else's flow, after we made our own plans. It is very nice of these people to invite 10 yr old. I do appreciate it. But my husband and I both agree that trick or treating is not an activity we want to be involved in anymore. We are fine with the parties and church parties and stuff like that, decorating pumpkins, even boo'ing other people. But I have no interest in going out, again, to plop down a bunch of money, again, on another costume, again, only to have my child go do something different from the rest of the family, again, to prevent us from having our family night, again, and then try to state...maybe NEXT year we will do what we want. But then 10 yr old is putting on his horribly sad face saying how he will eventually be too old for this and he wants to do it while he still can.

 

WWYD?

 

[Alice]

The ship has probably already sailed and he either went TOT or didn't. But it seems to me that the issue is that what you want is for him to want to do the family activity and I don't think that's something you can control. If you and your dh have decided that you don't want your family TOTing, then you need to just be firm about that. It sounds like he won't be happy about it and he may be upset with you. Explain to him why as clearly as you can and why your feelings/rules may have changed from previous years. Or if you aren't happy about him TOTing but you are willing to leave it up to him, then let him make the decision but I don't it's fair to be mad if he makes a different decision than what you want. 

[Reefgazer]

Trick or treat is kids' night -I hope you let 10 year old go.  You can have family night 364 other nights of the year.

[albeto.]

 

 

I tried to tell 10 yr old that this is getting old, he would miss all the family activity, again. I feel like I have no control over our family making our own traditions when we keep going with everyone else's flow, after we made our own plans. It is very nice of these people to invite 10 yr old. I do appreciate it. But my husband and I both agree that trick or treating is not an activity we want to be involved in anymore. We are fine with the parties and church parties and stuff like that, decorating pumpkins, even boo'ing other people. But I have no interest in going out, again, to plop down a bunch of money, again, on another costume, again, only to have my child go do something different from the rest of the family, again, to prevent us from having our family night, again, and then try to state...maybe NEXT year we will do what we want. But then 10 yr old is putting on his horribly sad face saying how he will eventually be too old for this and he wants to do it while he still can.

 

WWYD?

 

I don't blame him, to be honest. ToT is so much more fun than going to a movie with mom and dad, something that can be done any other night of the year. If it's against your religious beliefs, I'd tell him that, but giving him a vague answer in hopes of stalling is going to speak louder to him than what you actually say. The message he's likely to take away is that his parents don't appreciate what's important to him, having fun, or doing things that interest and excite him. If it's your religious beliefs that make you not want to participate in ToT, then tell him that, but be prepared for him to not agree. I wouldn't make an issue out of it. I would try and avoid the temptation to try and persuade him to agree. That will likely feel like emotional manipulation, and that's only going to serve to create a wedge between you, something you probably don't want. 

 

As far as practical advice, I'd give him free reign to develop his own costume next year. Lots of kids create something with what they already have. That's more creative, more fun, and creates a greater sense of satisfaction anyway (in my opinion). You don't have to spend any money if you don't want to, but I wouldn't create obstacles for your son. He sees through that stuff. All kids do.

[Slartibartfast]

I am just glad my kids enjoy Halloween and dress up with me, I would do the TorT-ing. I don't consider it a family activity if we are all sitting in the dark not talking. 

[trulycrabby]

I hope that whatever you decided to do, everyone had a nice time tonight.

[Elisabet1]

He wanted to do a Star Wars costume. But then he called his friends and found out what they were going as. They were all going as terror costumes. He did not want to go once he heard that. He did not want to dress in terror but also, did not want to be the only one in the group dressed in not-terror.

 

After they went out (got late start so movie was missed and dad took them to their fave guy place to eat) they came home and played games together. Then my husband got candy from the store. They eat had picked some and then went around trading and giving to each other. He was perfectly happy with that. I am guessing he won't ask to go next year. Or he will pick the church party or something.

 

I think trick or treating is dying out here too. There were very few people out this year again. We have everything from church parties to mall activities to families having parties to truck or treats.