Unmotivated teen - What can I do?

[Chava_Raizel]

I hesitate to post this, because I don't like to sound like I'm talking negatively about my teen. But she's driving me crazy, and I am at my wits end. Please don't quote, because I'll probably delete this later.

 

She's always been a daydreamer, and it seems to have gotten worse as she's gotten older. It takes her all day to complete her school work, and most days she doesn't finish it at all. I give her a check list, we go over her assignments, and she still "forgets" half of them. If I give her a homework assignment over the weekend, it doesn't get finished, no matter how often I remind her to work on it. I'm not asking for an abnormal amount of work either - a typical day would be a math lesson (teaching textbooks), a Japanese lesson, reading from her geography text and doing mapwork, reading from her literature, doing some sort of writing and working on her biology class (currclick class). That's all. It's probably about 4-5 hours worth of work. But for whatever reason, she just doesn't seem to care. I've taken away her kindle, restricted her from the internet, I've not let her hang out with her friends, I've tried bribing with rewards, none of it seems to work. She doesn't seem to care about grades either.

 

She loves anime - it's her current obsession. She tells me she is going to be a voice actor for anime. She wants to move to TX and work at Funimation. The problem is that she has no talent for voices and she has a quiet little girl voice. She can be difficult to understand sometimes because she talks too fast, and she has lisp that is made worse by the speed talking. She also has a tendency to mumble. I've given her things she can work on, we had her in theater for years, but she never really worked at it. She gets mad at everyone for "not letting her do anything," but it's hard to spend money and time on things when she just gives up or doesn't put in enough effort to make it worth anyone's while. One of the things I've been trying to get her to do is make youtube videos, talking about anime. I figure it would give her a way to practice her speaking skills, help her build an audience and give her something to do. She gets as far as setting up the camera and putting together a backdrop and then...nothing. She complains she hasn't got anything to say or doesn't know how to start. That's nonsense, because it's literally all she talks about most days. I've even had her write out a script and still...nothing.

 

We talked about finding another path into the anime industry, so she decided she'd like to get a degree in graphic design and digital art. This sounds fantastic, but she doesn't really draw very well. She CAN draw when she really works at it, but most of the time, she's not interested in trying. After telling me that she wanted to work towards this degree, I gave her a Mark Kistler book we have called You Can Draw in 30 Days which goes through the basic drawing techniques. It's been 3 days and that book hasn't moved off the counter. I asked if she was going to work through it, and she said yes, but it's still sitting there, untouched.

 

She spends most of her time watching anime, surfing pinterest, working on her anime blog and listening to Vocaloid. She's a very talented writer, and I've been trying to steer her towards writing for years but she rarely finishes the writing projects she starts. She always dives into NaNoWriMo, but by the end of the second week she quits because she gets stuck in her story or decides it was a "dumb idea." There are probably upwards of 50 files on the computer of unfinished writing projects. All of them are great ideas, but she just never knows what to do with them, so she gives up. She wants to write Manga, but her art skills aren't up to par and though she knows she needs to work at art if she wants to do that, she never does. Instead she just mopes around complaining that she doesn't know how to draw. She's tried hiring her brother to be her artist, but she gets so particular about what the pictures are supposed to look like that nothing he draws is "right." He ends up mad at her and she's back to square one.

 

I'm starting to worry about what is going to happen in three years when she's finished with high school. I've explained and lectured and talked until my face turns blue that she needs to take control of her education and work towards her goals. She wants to go to college, but she doesn't seem to understand that what she's doing now will decide whether or not she can get into college.  She just gets angry and pouts in her room complaining that we don't love her and are just mean to her. All I want is for her to find something that makes her happy but will also make a living. I don't see her getting a job where she can play on pinterest and watch anime all day. :001_rolleyes:

 

Does anyone else have a child like this? How do you motivate them when all the usual techniques don't work?

[Lang Syne Boardie]

This may sound a little harsh, but I'm just going to go with it for two reasons:

1. I have teens older than yours so it's not like I haven't had to think about this stuff and do something, and
2. in case these are the thoughts in your head that you feel guilty about expressing, maybe hearing them from a peer will make you feel less guilty and you'll tell your dd the facts of life:

We let our children know that if they want (or choose, whether actively or passively) to grow up to do entry-level jobs so that they can pursue their unprofitable hobbies on the evenings and weekends we're fine with that. We won't make up the gap financially or let them live at home indefinitely, but we won't force people to go to trade schools or universities just to please us, either. If they won't believe their parents and the rest of the world that they need some kind of official training to make a living, they will find it out from their perspective as cashiers and fast food workers who can barely afford to pay rent or eat.

 

We do offer free room and board to any 18-22yo child of ours who either works full-time or is in college or trade school.

Having made that clear (you can be unmotivated and uneducated if you want to, but it'll be on your dime when you're an adult), I'd address the attitude problem. A fifteen-year-old should not be allowed to whine and pout and call everybody "mean" while she hangs out on her computer all day wishing she had talents she doesn't have, angry at the world because people don't honor her for stuff she wished she did but doesn't actually do...she should hear that nobody gets applause for sitting around surfing the net. Others don't have endless time to hear about what you LIKE. They want to know what you DO.

 

She needs a job. If jobs are not available she could be volunteering real time to real causes instead of living in a dream world, at least for an hour or two per day. When one doesn't know for sure what one wants to do for oneself, or doesn't care enough to make it happen yet, the default course ought to be to do something for other people, instead.

[Mom22ns]

Does she have any LDs? Is she totally on her own for school or are you helping her schedule her time and work through her classes? I'm always amazed at people who expect their teens to do it on their own and are surprised when they fail. She has 3 years before college? I get the panic. I have a child that makes me panic sometimes, but try to be patient. She just isn't there yet.

 

I think you are doing all the right things. You are guiding. You are giving opportunities. You are being realistic. Keep going. I think getting her out there where she can fail is the next step. Whether it is drawing, acting or writing, put her in classes, auditions, etc where other people will evaluate her work instead of you. Let her succeed or fail without your commentary. Hopefully it will help her figure out a realistic path, gradually, painfully, over time. Some kids don't come with a built in sense of direction. They are harder to parent, but it doesn't mean she won't figure it out.

 

:grouphug:

[Homeschooler of 8]

My name is Lyndon.  I actually am a teenager posting using my mom's account with her approval.  I can definitely relate to not feeling like completing schoolwork;  in fact, I still have a long way to go in that area.  A lot of my unmotivation has come from forgetting about what I want to accomplish or not feeling like I'm really accomplishing anything.  One thing that has helped invaluably is a program called CollegePlus.  With this program, I am finishing high school quickly while earning credit hours toward my degree at the same time.  Enrollment in the program also includes coaching, when my accountability mentor calls me about every two weeks to check my progress and plan.  Please don't misunderstand me--this program will not work for anyone who is unwilling to become organized and motivated;  however, it offers a powerful incentive to do so.

 

Even more important for me has been remembering why I want to accomplish anything at all.  When I forget that God has a plan for me and that I want to make myself useful to Him, I become incredibly complacent.  Usually, my spiritual connection with Christ and my work performance are at approximately the same level.  Regular morning devotions and focusing on Jesus help me greatly.

 

That's just my two cents.

[Chava_Raizel]

No, no LDs. She usually prefers to be in her room to do her work, because her siblings are too distracting and she is easily distracted. But I touch base with her several times throughout the day to see how she's doing and offer assistance if needed. She does have a job - she started babysitting over the summer and has one regular client. She's great with kids so I'm hoping she can branch out and get some other jobs soon.

 

She has so much potential - I can see it there. I just really wish I could get her to see it in herself. She's a very negative person and is always dwelling on her failings and shortcomings instead of her talents and good qualities. I've had her write lists of things she's thankful for and things she thinks she's good at. I've written my own list of things that I think she's good at, and for a few minutes, maybe a day, she's positive and tries to improve. But that's it and then it's back to the same old negativity. I'm beginning to think that it's just who she is and I'm just wasting my energy trying to change it.

 

I got Smart But Scattered Teens at the library for us to go through together...I don't know if it'll do much, but I figure it can't hurt. I think she just needs to learn to organize and prioritize her time.

 

I'll have to do some thinking about classes for her. I agree, she needs to have some outside evaluation.

[albeto.]

Have you had a chance to poke through the Teenage Liberation Handbook? You might find letting her really delve into this interest will give her some insight into different fields, some of which neither of you are familiar with right now. Off the top of my head, I'm thinking I would encourage her to start a critic's blog. If she can identify good quality art, writing, story lines, etc, but she doesn't have the talent to execute them well enough, giving her the opportunity to learn to critique others might help. A blog will give her the opportunity for feed-back, so she'll learn how to anticipate likely criticism which will increase that skill of critical thinking (she'll learn to anticipate criticism to her claims, providing inspiration to support them well). It will give her constant research inspiration, not only about the stories, but the writers, artists, producers, technical skills, production  It will also give her the opportunity to learn about other aspects. She may never be an artist or voice actor, as the entertainment industry is a highly competitive one. She may, however, find something that catches her eye while pursuing this interest for now.

 

I was not especially motivated myself in high school, or in college for that matter. At one point I realized that I was going to graduate with a degree and the expectation to do something with myself, by myself. That worried me. I took time off and worked at whatever jobs I could find that weren't in an office or retail. Because I come from a business family, I recognized the kinds of skills employers appreciate, but that only got me so far. Eventually I realized I didn't want to work for some schmuck who didn't know what was needed as well as I because he wasn't working where I did, but got to call the shots because he was the one with the degree. I could relate to my studies after that much better - they existed to prepare me for what I wanted to do. For the first time, a formal education was relevant to me.

 

I imagine an art school or a school that is heavy in the arts will give her exposure to things she's not familiar with now, and will also help her get an internship or find part time employment in a field of general interest. In other words, she doesn't need to have her life planned out in the next two years, kwim? I'd suggest working with her to look at schools in a year. I find that worrying our kids about "the future" backfires, while sharing their enjoyment instead helps give them a sense of confidence, and that confidence inspires one to pursue more. In the mean time, continue what you're doing, giving her lessons and reminding her to finish them. I don't much care for using punishment to motivate because while it may be successful in some instances or with some people, others will find the manipulation frustrating and alienating and you don't want to alienate her, you want her to continue to look to you for advice.

 

But yeah, I totally get the worry. I'm there with three of them right now. 

[Tohru]

We watch anime and there are some characters that have that quiet child voice, or speed talk.  Probably not helpful, just saying. :)

 

For school work - maybe try intensive block scheduling or main lesson planning?  It seems to work better for some teens with intense interests because they simply can not handle doing too many subjects every day, it is overwhelming.

[LLMom]

I would try some outside the home academic classes through a co-op or local college.  I find at this age outside accountability has helped all 5 of my teens get more motivation.

[bolt.]

So, she spends her school hours in her room, with only occasional drop-in visits from you, with access to Pinterest and various other interesting and addictive websites... And it turns out that she can't self-motivate? Of course she can't. She is unsupervised and *everything* is more fun than her assignments.

 

My bottom line: you can teach her, or you can send her to school. You can't let her do whatever she feels like and get grumpy that she doesn't seem to feel like self-educating. Homeschooling can only include self-educating when it WORKS (which it occasionally does). Otherwise, you, the parent, retain the absolute responsibility to be her educator.

 

Being her assignment supervisor and fruitless encourager is just not enough to accomplish what you set out to do through home education.

[texasmama]

In addition to the other good feedback, if you feel like she has a negative world-view (maybe slightly depressed because this often expresses as negativity), I would take her to a good therapist who has experience working with teens for a short course of therapy.  I'm a therapist, and this is a kid that the right therapeutic approach could really help to clarify life goals, improve her outlook, and help her to make choices which are positive rather than limiting or wheel-spinning.  Her choices are disempowering her.  Therapy could help.

 

 

[elegantlion]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Laura Corin]

We limit screen time.  It doesn't work perfectly, but it's better than nothing.  My boys can't spend all their time on Pinterest or whatever, because they don't have unlimited non-work time on the computer.  When they are doing homework on the computer, either the internet is off, or they have blockers on and are working in the public areas of the house.

 

Our idea is that our children need to get through (at least) basic school work alongside building whatever dreams they have.  The dreams don't mean that the basics don't need to be done.

 

L

[Chava_Raizel]

You guys have given me lots of great feedback - I really appreciate it!

 

For the record - I do limit screen time, but for dd, it can be tricky, because she uses the laptop for her math, science and she prefers typing to physically writing, so most of her written work is done on the laptop as well. I'm going to have to look into ways to block specific sites. Is there a way to block temporarily? Like set it so during certain hours she can't access pinterest or youtube? I don't want to block them entirely, because I do want to encourage her in blogging (and possibly vlogging if she can get herself started) - she's a talented writer and I don't want to make it difficult for her to work at that, especially if she gets into making videos.

 

Also - while she is in her room quite a bit working on school work, there are things we do all together - we always do morning meeting (the more grown up version of circle time) and we do geography all together. It's just keeping her on task when she's alone that can be difficult. However, it's better than the alternative - she can't stop talking when she's around her siblings, so it's even harder to keep her on task and then she derails her siblings as well and it turns into a free for all with me as the referee trying to get everyone back to work. Not a great way to spend the day, lol.

 

I love the idea of the critic's blog - she currently has an anime blog, and she's been looking for ways to expand it - I think this would be an excellent way for her to do that. We had a talk today about it and she loved the idea too. She's already planning on which anime to critique.

 

Again - thank you for the response. I let myself get stressed out too easily when it comes to high school. This is uncharted territory for us and sometimes I start to worry that I'm going to ruin everything. When I stop and think logically, I know that isn't true. I just need a reminder sometimes that it's all going to be ok and that she won't be this dreamy, spacey teenager forever. I should know that - because I used to be one and I outgrew it.

[hornblower]

Yes, there are ways to block certain site for a period of time.

Rescue Time is the one I hear about most. Very popular among writers to turn off distractions while we work. The occasionally put out free 30 day trial versions during nanowrimo but I haven't seen a link for one this year yet. The free version just tracks your usage, doesn't let you block. The fully  paid version lets you block certain sites. There's a 14 day free trial to check out.  https://www.rescuetime.com

There are lots of alternatives to Rescue Time but they're kind of hit & miss IME, esp for Windows.

Mac people seem to like Self Control http://selfcontrolapp.com/

For windows alternatives, check out this list. http://alternativeto.net/software/selfcontrol/ I tried Freedom on a different computer but it's been a while since I used it.  If you only have one browser, the Google Chrome extension Stay Focused is OK but it's no help if you're like me & have several browser installed.

Also, if you have Win8 with all the start screen apps running, I find you pretty much have to hide or remove them because otherwise they're all still accessible & distracting even without browser access.
 

Some other good tips here: http://hackthesystem.com/blog/addicted-to-distraction-5-tools-to-help-you-fight-back-and-finally-focus/

 

[Paige]

My DH has a school account and a kids account on our computers. The kids know the school account password and can use it to log in at will to do their computer based work. They can access programs on and offline that they need for school, but they can't do other stuff. If they complete their school work, we can log them into the kids account which allows them to play. I don't know how to do this, and it's sometimes a pain because DH has to fix things that are accidentally blocked, but it works pretty well for us. 

[FloridaLisa]

I hesitate to post this, because I don't like to sound like I'm talking negatively about my teen. But she's driving me crazy, and I am at my wits end. Please don't quote, because I'll probably delete this later.

 

She's always been a daydreamer, and it seems to have gotten worse as she's gotten older. It takes her all day to complete her school work, and most days she doesn't finish it at all. I give her a check list, we go over her assignments, and she still "forgets" half of them. If I give her a homework assignment over the weekend, it doesn't get finished, no matter how often I remind her to work on it. I'm not asking for an abnormal amount of work either - a typical day would be a math lesson (teaching textbooks), a Japanese lesson, reading from her geography text and doing mapwork, reading from her literature, doing some sort of writing and working on her biology class (currclick class). That's all. It's probably about 4-5 hours worth of work. But for whatever reason, she just doesn't seem to care. I've taken away her kindle, restricted her from the internet, I've not let her hang out with her friends, I've tried bribing with rewards, none of it seems to work. She doesn't seem to care about grades either.

 

She loves anime - it's her current obsession. She tells me she is going to be a voice actor for anime. She wants to move to TX and work at Funimation. The problem is that she has no talent for voices and she has a quiet little girl voice. She can be difficult to understand sometimes because she talks too fast, and she has lisp that is made worse by the speed talking. She also has a tendency to mumble. I've given her things she can work on, we had her in theater for years, but she never really worked at it. She gets mad at everyone for "not letting her do anything," but it's hard to spend money and time on things when she just gives up or doesn't put in enough effort to make it worth anyone's while. One of the things I've been trying to get her to do is make youtube videos, talking about anime. I figure it would give her a way to practice her speaking skills, help her build an audience and give her something to do. She gets as far as setting up the camera and putting together a backdrop and then...nothing. She complains she hasn't got anything to say or doesn't know how to start. That's nonsense, because it's literally all she talks about most days. I've even had her write out a script and still...nothing.

 

We talked about finding another path into the anime industry, so she decided she'd like to get a degree in graphic design and digital art. This sounds fantastic, but she doesn't really draw very well. She CAN draw when she really works at it, but most of the time, she's not interested in trying. After telling me that she wanted to work towards this degree, I gave her a Mark Kistler book we have called You Can Draw in 30 Days which goes through the basic drawing techniques. It's been 3 days and that book hasn't moved off the counter. I asked if she was going to work through it, and she said yes, but it's still sitting there, untouched.

 

She spends most of her time watching anime, surfing pinterest, working on her anime blog and listening to Vocaloid. She's a very talented writer, and I've been trying to steer her towards writing for years but she rarely finishes the writing projects she starts. She always dives into NaNoWriMo, but by the end of the second week she quits because she gets stuck in her story or decides it was a "dumb idea." There are probably upwards of 50 files on the computer of unfinished writing projects. All of them are great ideas, but she just never knows what to do with them, so she gives up. She wants to write Manga, but her art skills aren't up to par and though she knows she needs to work at art if she wants to do that, she never does. Instead she just mopes around complaining that she doesn't know how to draw. She's tried hiring her brother to be her artist, but she gets so particular about what the pictures are supposed to look like that nothing he draws is "right." He ends up mad at her and she's back to square one.

 

I'm starting to worry about what is going to happen in three years when she's finished with high school. I've explained and lectured and talked until my face turns blue that she needs to take control of her education and work towards her goals. She wants to go to college, but she doesn't seem to understand that what she's doing now will decide whether or not she can get into college.  She just gets angry and pouts in her room complaining that we don't love her and are just mean to her. All I want is for her to find something that makes her happy but will also make a living. I don't see her getting a job where she can play on pinterest and watch anime all day. :001_rolleyes:

 

Does anyone else have a child like this? How do you motivate them when all the usual techniques don't work?

 

I've had 4 children so far in and through the 15-year-old stage and have another 15-yo right now.   So, first  :grouphug: .  It's so hard to want so much for your kids and have the tension of their hormones, them figuring out life and where they fit into it, seeing them exceed expectations one day and just bomb the next. Problems at this stage are emotioinally draining.  

 

I'm going to first tell you that I don't think there's a quick fix or easy answer.  Not that you are looking for one; I'm sure you posted for insight from a fellow mama who's BDTD.  I've just found that I have to WALK through these years with my teens. I have to be a student of them and their personality and their love language (you have read that book, yes?) while at the same time try to process my expectations and disappointments and try not to get my emotions tangled up with theirs. 

 

Regarding the school work getting done: I always found it most helpful to pull dh in for accountability and have the child begin to report directly to their dad. This did 3 things: 1) my kids many times responded better to dh's no-nonsense approach; 2) I could step back and become encourager rather than overseer; and 3) showed the kids that dh and I both expected these things. It somehow gained a bit more importance when dh stepped into the picture. 

 

Two more things: I would require her to find some volunteer opportunity.  Someplace that she can teach young children to read or work with the elderly or help at the theatre or something to 1) fill her time up. She has too much time on her hands and she's not using it well and 2) get her to begin to look outside of herself.  Negativity (if there's not something organic like depression) can be too much self-focus.  The best thing I can do when I'm whiny is to get my little fanny out to help others and become other-oriented. 

 

Finally, oh rats, I can't remember my third point! My life these days.  :closedeyes:  And my own dd is doing cartwheels and walkovers in my periphery.  Oh yes! If dh will step in to add accountability and relieve you of some of that, then I would specifically look for some things to build relationship. Maybe you are already doing that but the teen years are hard on the mother-daughter relationship. Those that I see doing well are those where mom and daughter are doing some fun things together -- going to the theater or pedicures and shopping or doing some arts and crafts.  

 

I think knowing there's not one quick fix may help you know that this is a process and a living relationship and -- welcome to the club of teens and nearly-adult children -- you just have to walk through these issues right alongside them.

 

Lisa