Need to vent

[Nemom]

I am definitely a reluctant homeschooler. We pulled my dd out of PS midway through 5th grade because she has multiple health issues and was missing to much school. I would never have imagined that this would be something that I would be doing with my life. I have never considered myself to have the patience to be a teacher. But this is what she needs and what I feel God is calling me to do right now so I am giving it my best try. Her health has improved drastically since being home.

 

Yet all we have done all week is fight-mainly me-with her in tears. I think this has been building up for the last month. I don't mind doing this if she is willing and giving it her best shot. But I just don't feel like she is. She sits across from me every morning with a bored, uninterested look on her face and never bothers to smile, laugh, or tries to have a good time. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be the person on the other end of this?

 

She has been asking me to give her spelling words for the last two years so I have been making lists and setting them up in Spelling City. She has had three tests in the last three weeks. She did great on the first test but got a 60 or less on the last two. I ask her to practice the words every day and study but she doesn't bother.

 

I was planning on having school done early today so that we could spend the afternoon doing some fun halloween stuff. It is almost noon and we are not even a 1/4 of the way finished.

 

I am ready to say I gave it my best shot and send her back to PS. When I ask her if she wants to go back to PS, she says "no" that she likes homeschool. Sure could have fooled me!

[hjffkj]

Hugs! No advice just hugs

[nevergiveup]

You have a lot of options.  Have you thought about free online public school--she would have to account for her work to teachers but can do it from home.

You could look into local homeschool groups--sometimes there is a parent who will teach specific subjects--this gets her away from you for a bit and she, again, has to account to someone other than Mom.

I would sit her down and discuss her attitude with her.  I would think about making her sign a contract then if she does not uphold her end of things, whether it be completion of schoolwork or attitude, then you will send her back to public school (or whatever you decide to put into the contract).  Of course, you should be willing to follow through on whatever consequence is in the contract...

[Mergath]

If you have zero desire to homeschool and are doing it because you think God wants you to, she's going to pick up on that. She might be having the same feelings as you- that she's stuck all day with someone who really doesn't want to be there. Homeschooling doesn't tend to work well when the primary teacher doesn't want to do it.

[MomatHWTK]

It may be her age/hormonal stage and have nothing to do with how or where you school.  My SIL has three daughters- she says during certain points of the month she threatens to live in a trailer in the back yard. 

 

 

I have set up a situation where each of my older three can get a full day of school by doing items independently from a checklist (various reading assignments and computer based programs).  I school with them and do the fun extras on days they are willing and cooperative.  If they don't want to school with me, they get the checklist. 

[GinaPagnato]

This is your 12 year old?

 

DON'T throw in the towel yet! It's her age, really! When mine were that age they displayed ZERO interest in learning the things that I tried to teach them. Even the things they said they wanted to learn they did so with reluctance and attitude. I would get so frustrated thinking that I was giving them this wonderful education--the sky was the limit--and yet they sat there on their duffs looking bored out of their minds.

 

Grrrrr.

 

BUT...I decided I was going to be just as stubborn as they were being, albeit in an upbeat, can-do way. I kept talking about the wonderful future God has for them, how they can use this time to be equipped for that, etc. etc.

 

Finally, FINALLY, it sank in. It took time, patience, the refusal on my part to get riled up, and some good old fashioned whetting of the competitive nature (i.e. "Wow, XYZ is going to college on an academic scholarship and he wants to be an engineer! What a smart, hard-working kid!"), and voila!

 

They're far from perfect, and some days it's still a bit like pulling teeth, but there are some major improvements and, dare I say, SELF-motivating qualities I'm seeing in them.

 

So, hang in there, adjust your attitude and expectations, and wait. It will get better!

[Joanne]

I was not a reluctant homeschooler. I love my life now, but I still miss homeschooling everyday.

 

But I do have a dd with chronic health issues. And I homeschooled a long time, including 2 past age 12.

 

The homeschooling relationship is a disctinct, separate relationship from mothering. As such, know that it has seasons informed by health, development, family tone, weather, etc. A surly 12 year old is certainly within the range of expected. I now work in a school, and I have a bunch of surly 12 year olds. ;)

 

I believe in academic rigor, so I am not going to give you advice to lighten the load, but I will say that spelling words (from 2 years) for a 12 year old may be something worth dumping to concentrate on something else.  I know you were using that as an example of the frustration, not the frustration. {{{hugs}}}

 

Please don't take "it" - any of "it" personally. Or generalize that she will forever be this kind of student. Or catastrophize that her future is going to be dimmed. You don't have to be a super happy, elementary type teacher with an enthusiastic, effusive student in order to her to learn or for homeschooling to be successful.

 

You mentioned "God", so I'd like to suggest the book Beyond Survival.

 

[Nemom]

You have a lot of options.  Have you thought about free online public school--she would have to account for her work to teachers but can do it from home.

You could look into local homeschool groups--sometimes there is a parent who will teach specific subjects--this gets her away from you for a bit and she, again, has to account to someone other than Mom.

I would sit her down and discuss her attitude with her.  I would think about making her sign a contract then if she does not uphold her end of things, whether it be completion of schoolwork or attitude, then you will send her back to public school (or whatever you decide to put into the contract).  Of course, you should be willing to follow through on whatever consequence is in the contract...

 

The free online public school is not available in my state-as far as I know.  The homeschool groups in our area are geared towards younger kids and there was nothing for her to participate in this year.  Next year, I hope to enroll her in the high school coop for a class or two.

 

I like the contract idea.

 

[Nemom]

If you have zero desire to homeschool and are doing it because you think God wants you to, she's going to pick up on that. She might be having the same feelings as you- that she's stuck all day with someone who really doesn't want to be there. Homeschooling doesn't tend to work well when the primary teacher doesn't want to do it.

 

Sorry, I am not having any luck with "multi quote" today.

 

I don't think it is fair to say that I have zero desire to homeschool.  I was looking forward to it before school started and spent a lot of time this summer preparing and planning.  But that enthusiasm has been lost because it feels so one sided at this point. 

[Nemom]

This is your 12 year old?

 

DON'T throw in the towel yet! It's her age, really! When mine were that age they displayed ZERO interest in learning the things that I tried to teach them. Even the things they said they wanted to learn they did so with reluctance and attitude. I would get so frustrated thinking that I was giving them this wonderful education--the sky was the limit--and yet they sat there on their duffs looking bored out of their minds.

 

Grrrrr.

 

BUT...I decided I was going to be just as stubborn as they were being, albeit in an upbeat, can-do way. I kept talking about the wonderful future God has for them, how they can use this time to be equipped for that, etc. etc.

 

Finally, FINALLY, it sank in. It took time, patience, the refusal on my part to get riled up, and some good old fashioned whetting of the competitive nature (i.e. "Wow, XYZ is going to college on an academic scholarship and he wants to be an engineer! What a smart, hard-working kid!"), and voila!

 

They're far from perfect, and some days it's still a bit like pulling teeth, but there are some major improvements and, dare I say, SELF-motivating qualities I'm seeing in them.

 

So, hang in there, adjust your attitude and expectations, and wait. It will get better!

 

Thank You!  I needed some encouraging words and a reminder that age and likely hormones may be at work here. 

 

[Nemom]

I believe in academic rigor, so I am not going to give you advice to lighten the load, but I will say that spelling words (from 2 years) for a 12 year old may be something worth dumping to concentrate on something else.  I know you were using that as an example of the frustration, not the frustration. {{{hugs}}}

 

Please don't take "it" - any of "it" personally. Or generalize that she will forever be this kind of student. Or catastrophize that her future is going to be dimmed. You don't have to be a super happy, elementary type teacher with an enthusiastic, effusive student in order to her to learn or for homeschooling to be successful.

 

 

 

Yes, the spelling words are just a simple example.  I only added them in recently because she kept telling me that she wanted to work on spelling.  I was hoping since she was asking for them that she would be motivated to work hard and see the positive results. 

 

 

[ThisIsTheDay]

 

 

I don't think it is fair to say that I have zero desire to homeschool.  I was looking forward to it before school started and spent a lot of time this summer preparing and planning.  But that enthusiasm has been lost because it feels so one sided at this point. 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

So many things, imo, come into play here, but everything goes back to building and maintaining your relationship.

 

She's 12?  12 is so hard, both for kids and for parents.  No matter where she goes to school, your parenting would be lopsided.  It's not an equal partnership. You've got to work with whatever she's willing to give, even if she seems to be giving you nothing.  She's counting on your for that. Her perspective, at 12, may be very skewed, and maybe she sees your lack of enthusiasm and frustration as directed at how you FEEL about her, rather than how you feel about how your hsing is going.  (Remember, she's 12!!)

 

You gave spelling as an example.  She expressed interest in improving but then lacked motivation to continue.  How many of us do that, even as adults?  You can continue to encourage her and draw out that original desire to improve.  Why did the spelling list not work for her?  Did she still struggle with the words? What made her not study?  Are her studying tools ineffective?

 

I had a 12yodd who had always been such a pleaser, quiet, so complacent.  Those hormones hit, and it was HARD, so hard, for a couple of years.  Eventually I realized that I had to step back and change my reaction to her.  Her actions were not a reflection of her opinion of me--I was taking it far too personally. It was a reflection of how she felt about her life.

 

Is it just the two of you home together every day?  I would find that overwhelming and oppressive, even as a mom.  How does she feel about her big brother at PS?  Envious? Scared she couldn't hack "real" school?  (I'm considering what this might seem like for a 12yo.)

 

IF this were my child, I would start by changing up a few things, and I'll use your example of spelling. (I know this is just one small example of what you were going through when you posted.)

 

At 12, spelling instruction should be pretty much done.  If my child were still struggling, I'd take a serious look at and get advice about how to proceed differently.   Do we need a heavy focus on phonics instruction over the next few months? Is there a learning disability?  What is the likelihood that the spelling skills will never markedly improve from this point?  If she wanted spelling lists made up, I would give her that responsibility on her own.  We could then study the spelling words together to make sure she's using methods that WILL WORK to pass the tests.  If my child were scoring 60 on any test, it would be a big sign to me that they are unprepared, that whatever we are doing is not working.  I would not be giving a test where the child did not know the material.

 

I'd have a specific school schedule, written out, which would make it clear for both of us what needs to be done each day.

 

I'd sit down with my kid and talk about what changes she would like to see in our schooling and then work together to see how we could make those changes.  It might be more free time to study a special interest--great, I'd include a block of time in the schedule a few times a week for that.  It might be to study something specific instead of a current topic, so I'd see if we would make that switch.  There are a lot of different possibilities here, but I would be listening to my child, not to necessarily change everything to suit their wishes but to consider changes  to meet whatever real needs they have.

 

I'd also use this time to **really** work on building the relationship.  12 is hard.  You've worked for 12 years building that foundation for them, but you're not done yet. This is such a great opportunity for you, and honestly, continuing that relationship between the two of you is still far more important than any schooling. If your relationship is strong, your schooling will be much, much easier on both of you.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

It's not you. It's not her.  But between the two of you, you can work to improve all of it.