nature girl Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 ...from DD tonight. Sorry for the vent, but it got to me a bit, even though I know where it was coming from. Apparently it's because he plays more fun games with her (hide and seek, chase, wrestling...) I blame hs'ing, because for 20-60 minutes a day she's doing things that, regardless of how fun I try to make them, still feel like work. Never mind the hours I spend outside with her, reading to her, helping her build cars/rockets/boats out of cardboard boxes for pretend play, taking her on field trips, doing cool science experiments, etc., etc. I feel so appreciated! And I can only imagine this perception of Mom as taskmaster and Dad as friend getting worse as she gets older and we need to buckle down more... I'd love to hear from people who've been doing this for awhile. How has it affected your relationship? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrysalis Academy Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 :grouphug: I'm sorry. That's all I got, but :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Yep, dad is the fun guy. :) BUT - I'm the one they come to when they're sad, when they have problems they want to talk about, when they're unsure of themselves and want some validation, when they want to talk about they're futures...basically all of the times they want to connect, to confide, and want comfort. (pardon the alliteration) I'm completely fine with them "liking" dad more when it comes to the fun and games because I know that they appreciate and respect me for all the other areas of their lives that they depend on me for. :) I'm sorry you're feeling unappreciated, but I'll bet your dc feels similar to mine and just doesn't know how to articulate that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Well, this probably won't help you, but my kids went to brick and mortar school first, so while they have work that needs to be accomplished, it isn't anywhere near as time consuming as it was in school. When they were in school the school day started with us getting ready and out the door by 7:15am and not getting home until nearly 4pm, then facing at least an hour, sometimes 2-3 hours of homework/test prep/etc. So when we started homeschooling, the work just didn't seem all that bad comparatively. I know this is hard. I'm sorry. Do you and your DH work hard to carve out time to do fun, frivolous things as a family? Do you take time to do things of interest to just you? Maintaining self-esteem can be a challenge. I have had moments where I felt a bit like I had no identity of my own. I have to remember to carve out time for me, and to do things just for me. The kids actually respect me more when they see that my life does not entirely revolve around only them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nature girl Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Do you and your DH work hard to carve out time to do fun, frivolous things as a family? Do you take time to do things of interest to just you? Maintaining self-esteem can be a challenge. I have had moments where I felt a bit like I had no identity of my own. I have to remember to carve out time for me, and to do things just for me. The kids actually respect me more when they see that my life does not entirely revolve around only them. Not as much as we should, unfortunately. I'm an author, so need to spend most weekends writing since I don't get much chance for it during the week. (The writing is where I find an identity of my own. :) I can't imagine not having it, but it still doesn't stop me from feeling like my life revolves completely around DD.) I do miss fun family time, that's a very good point. I feel like it's the biggest issue we've faced ever since she was a toddler, not having enough time for just the three of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 My dds are both in ps now (I home schooled through elementary school). Dad has always been the fun one. It's just how it is here. He was the one who played Barbies every Saturday morning and does crazy things in the store when he takes them shopping. He's also the one they go to for help with science and math (I try to feel bad about that one but I just don't :ph34r:). I'm the sensible one. I'm also the one whose hand they want to hold when they have to get a shot or have any medical procedure done. I'm the one they want to talk to about boys. I'm the only one who can cook their favorite foods just the way they want them. We have a lot of silly fun together as a family but he will always be the funnier one. We're both friends with them but in different ways. I'm okay with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Honestly, I don't think this has to do with homeschooling. I've seen this play out with my kids. The boys both preferred me for years and wanted me to put them to bed even though Dad had a much more involved/fun bedtime routine. My 5 year old ds told me the other day, "I cry for you when I'm gone (away with Dad to Grandma's for a few days) but I like Dad better." I don't think it really means much. Little ones have a hard time feeling like they can like 2 people the same amount at the same time. I know dd likes me by the way she seeks me and talks to me. She doesn't need to verbalize it. I'm sure she loves you with all her heart. Someone has to be the one who makes her do things. Some people we connect more easily with. Just keep loving her and try not to let it get to you. It's not a competition. As she gets older she will make the decisions more from the heart and less from a "how fun is s/he" perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nature girl Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Thanks, all. And freesia, I agree with everything you're saying, but want to make it clear that I don't really care about being liked or loved "more" than DH, just don't want her to dislike me because I'm the one who has to make her do things. (I also have to enforce chores, and just because I'm around her all day I need to reprimand more.) I know she's been struggling more as our work gets a bit harder, and I think she might actually be dreading the work, which kills me. It's almost making me consider unschooling, in an attempt to get back her love of learning... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coco_Clark Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I think that often plays out that way, whether you are homeschooling or not. Mom will still be "the enforcer" of chores, homework, getting to school on time. Dad will still be the fun one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Aw, hugs. My boys and I have a great relationship, even on the days they like Dad better. My boys tend to go back and forth in regards to which parent they most gravitate toward. I don't think it's homeschooling so much as their changing developmental and emotional needs as they grow. I am the one they confide in, though. :) I think it's just because we spend so much time together. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerileanne99 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 ...from DD tonight. Sorry for the vent, but it got to me a bit, even though I know where it was coming from. Apparently it's because he plays more fun games with her (hide and seek, chase, wrestling...) I blame hs'ing, because for 20-60 minutes a day she's doing things that, regardless of how fun I try to make them, still feel like work. Never mind the hours I spend outside with her, reading to her, helping her build cars/rockets/boats out of cardboard boxes for pretend play, taking her on field trips, doing cool science experiments, etc., etc. I feel so appreciated! And I can only imagine this perception of Mom as taskmaster and Dad as friend getting worse as she gets older and we need to buckle down more... I'd love to hear from people who've been doing this for awhile. How has it affected your relationship? Oh, Hugs. I feel this pain very closely right now. Just a few nights ago as Alex and I were preparing to read books she did something? Whatever it was was not very nice. Regardless, I spoke with her in a conversational tone and asked her how she thought that made me feel? Made her dad feel? Her eyes welled up with tears and she said she didn't want to make daddy feel badly. I thought what am I, chopped liver? And reiterated. And she very clearly told me that she wasn't bothered if I was upset, but daddy was the nice one who plays hide-and-seek with her and she REALLLY loved him. Geez. Maybe it was partly the pregnancy hormones too, but I sent her to read books with the fun one and had a big sob Fest. Daddy was great. he gave me some alone time and when they came back began asking her about all sorts of fun things, crafts, activities, plans, etc., and told her she would have none of that if not for mom planning and doing it all. Still. It hurts. Especially as I spend hours doing crafts, playing games, taking her places, etc every week. It comes down to the fact that moms, especially HSing moms, get to be there all day everyday wearing our vast collection of hats. Teacher, disciplinarian, music director, chauffeur, chef, maid, organizer, event planner/coordinator, nurse, and provider. Daddy gets to come home from work (and may be exhausted from that but is 'fresh' to the kid). The same behavior that has been simmering all day after multiple warnings with mom rolls off of his back because he only experiences it for a brief time. He gets to be 'on' for her for a very short period, have dinner, then the kid goes to bed. I read to her for almost an hour and then we tuck her in. And in my case, the wheelchair definitely, definitely means that daddy gets to do all the running around, jumping on trampoline, wrestling, playing more physical games, and yes, hide-and-seek. Cerebrally, I know all I do matters. I am the one she wants whenever she is upset or hurt, has a bad dream. I know she loves me and that there will come a time when some of what mom does really, really register. But ouch. Talk about a knife blade to the heart... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momacacia Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Put Dad in charge of math. He won't be so fun anymore. Tell them they don't want him to edit their work because he's a lot tougher than Mommy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korrale Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 You hit the nail on the head Keri. That is how it happens in this family. I am with James all day. Daddy only gets 1 maybe 2 days off a week. So I become the chopped liver. There was this time time a while back that our son was becoming rudely obnoxious. He said he didn't have a mummy anymore. He didn't need one. We told him how lucky he was to have a mummy that stayed home with him and that what he was saying wasn't very nice. He continued on without any remorse. So when we got home I put him down for a nap and I "left" I went for a walk. It was an eye opener for him and he cried and cried for his mummy. He has been much more considerate since then. However I don't get invited to go places on the weekend, as that is daddy and his time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 My hubby gets the obnoxious task of nagging then to clean up. He also helps oversee some of their work when they are being exasperating. That way my kids don't see me as the only bad guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I want my kids to like their dad, more than me is fine. I am with them so much more than their dad that it seems to me liking him more will help balance our influence as far as how they develop. Besides, I think it is good for them to have a strong relationship with their dad and not just see him as the guy that lives here and pays the bills. Now, if he weren't involved in discipline at all I would probably want to adjust the balance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerileanne99 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I want my kids to like their dad, more than me is fine. I am with them so much more than their dad that it seems to me liking him more will help balance our influence as far as how they develop. Besides, I think it is good for them to have a strong relationship with their dad and not just see him as the guy that lives here and pays the bills. Now, if he weren't involved in discipline at all I would probably want to adjust the balance. Absolutely. I wouldn't begrudge my dd an extremely close and special relationship for anything. I grew up without a dad and am extremely protective of their relationship. I make sure they get plenty of daddy/dd time without mom, make sure he is a part of everything possible. And he is still going to discipline her, of course. But there is a difference in dealing with it with things all day long. But there is still a big difference between knowing all that and wanting it implicitly, and suffering a momentary attack of pity and hurt feelings:) As in my above post, I know all these things! Most of the time it is perfectly fine. We all have roles to fill, and there is great worth in all of them. I know my hubby is sometimes a bit envious of my relationship with my dd and the things I get to do with her whilst he is at work... All of this to say, I think the OP knows all this too. I guarantee she wants her dd to have the best of all possible parenting relationships. It doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt when a small child makes a comment that seems to value her daddy more:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sahamamama Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 No advice, really, just a :grouphug: . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I want my kids to like their dad, more than me is fine. I am with them so much more than their dad that it seems to me liking him more will help balance our influence as far as how they develop. Besides, I think it is good for them to have a strong relationship with their dad and not just see him as the guy that lives here and pays the bills. Now, if he weren't involved in discipline at all I would probably want to adjust the balance. I agree with this. He sees them far less than I do so I want them to have exceptionally warm and fuzzy feelings about him. :) As for discipline - there are times that he will go to discipline them and I'll step in and be the heavy so that they aren't crushed under the shear weight of having disappointed daddy. Their remorse over doing something to upset daddy is hugely disproportionate to the thing they did wrong. LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Anna's mom, can you back off of the academics? You can do so without becoming an unschooler, Your signature says you are doing two maths and two sciences with her, and that she's already reading chapter books. And she's five? I would cut down to just one math and fun reading and add in a lot of fun games and crafts, playtime with you, field trips, etc. You can change things at this age so that she wants to sit down to work with you. It's really essential to make your relationship the primary thing at this age. Trust me, this kind of thing only gets harder as they get older (my relationship with DS9 brings me to tears often). You have time now to make it better, and it will pay off for all the years to come. There will be plenty of time for academics later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LLMom Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 same here. Dad is fun; I am not. But I am the one who has spent the most time with them and the one who comforts them most of the time when hurt or sad. Once they are older (it may be into adulthood), I think they will appreciate us more. Or at least I hope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Don't homeschool for immediate appreciation. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Anna's mom, can you back off of the academics? You can do so without becoming an unschooler, Your signature says you are doing two maths and two sciences with her, and that she's already reading chapter books. And she's five? I would cut down to just one math and fun reading and add in a lot of fun games and crafts, playtime with you, field trips, etc. You can change things at this age so that she wants to sit down to work with you. It's really essential to make your relationship the primary thing at this age. Trust me, this kind of thing only gets harder as they get older (my relationship with DS9 brings me to tears often). You have time now to make it better, and it will pay off for all the years to come. There will be plenty of time for academics later. This was my thought as well. Five is awfully young for pushing academics; I know that has become our society's norm, but I'm not aware of any real benefits. My dd11 didn't start formal math until age 8.5; she's now studying prealgebra and enjoying it. There is no reason you couldn't take a more child-led approach at this point and enjoy the time with your DD. She will never be five again, and there is plenty of time for more structured academics when her brain and body are more mature. Play games, spend lots of time reading to her, let her listen to audio books while she colors or builds with blocks, go on walks together. Kindergarten means the children's garden, not the children's schoolroom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RootAnn Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 All my kids have gone through phases of liking one parent more than the other. Despite the fact that dh is nicer than I am - and usually says 'yes' when I say 'no' if they ask to be able to do stuff, they prefer me over him most of the time. I understand your apprehensions & feelings. :grouphug: All my kids have so far undergone that transition around 1st/2nd grade (older than your dd is now) when school stops being so much fun & starts being more hard work. They have had to adjust to Mom-as-school-enforcer. I'm not sure it is much different than Mom-as-cleaning-enforcer, though. (We are both cleaning enforcers here, but DH is stricter than I am.) While I agree with some of the PPs as far as lessening up on the schoolwork now, since your dd is so young, at some point it will be not-fun and you'll go through this again. She'd just be older and possibly more mature when it happens (again). Separately, I'm very sensitive about my kids' relationship with their dad. I was very close to my dad and my mother was openly jealous about it. I vowed I would NEVER be jealous of any of my children's relationships with their dad. I encourage them to spend one-on-one time with him doing things that only he will do with them. This week, it was carve pumpkins. He practices sports in the yard with them, takes them fishing, & goes on bike rides or walks with them. Those are HIS things, even if I am asked to join in sometimes. I know they take me for granted and I'm mostly okay with that because that's part of being a mom to younger kids. Someday they will appreciate me - even if I have to wait until they have kids of their own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymonster Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 So my boys "like" dad better. He's just more fun (and one of the reasons I married him)! But, I sometimes I wonder if the boys realize that I am not just *there*? Like, that I'm a human being separate from them? In their eyes, I'm sort of important -- the food maker, the medicine giver, the structure provider, the person who knows where *everything* is, the appointment maker, and the snuggler. I once was sick (like way sick with the flu), and my youngest started crying, right outside the bedroom door. When I got up to see what was wrong, he told me he was afraid he'd starve, as DH hadn't made him food before... I guess what I'm saying is that he may be "fun", but you're *vital.* And that is a superpower. :coolgleamA: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nature girl Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Thank you all for the understanding, and the perspective. Like you all suggested, I'm the one she reaches to for comfort and snuggling, I know she loves and needs me. I think those words were just hard to hear because I do try so hard to make her days fun, and it made me wonder whether I'm failing at that. (Re: the academics, we honestly rarely do more than a half hour a day of formal schoolwork, and that includes her reading, which she usually enjoys. She despises handwriting, but I want to keep up with it because she's formed some bad habits...Science she enjoys and asks for, but math we've really stalled on this year, haven't moved forward in RS for almost a month. She used to love it, ask to do it every day, but recently it's gotten tougher. So now in an attempt to keep her from forgetting too many concepts we're just playing games and doing periodic review...RS games can't even come close to wrestling, though.) I've decided it might make sense to do at least one extra day a week of no school for now, just set it aside for pure play. If we work Mon/Tues, we can have Weds as a nice break to the week, let her decide how she'd like the day to go. I might even do some wrestling...Let's see if my knees can take it. :p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Well, my "I want Dad" kid is 18 now. He weaned at 3 and 1/2 and instantly became a Daddy's Boy. He still has a better relationship with dh than with me. Although he appreciates all I did for him - he was a very difficult sleeper, very tantrum-y preschooler, had lots of sensory and auditory issues and all of those fell on me to take deal with - he still has a closer bond with dh and trusts him more with the big stuff. I did my best to try to balance the negative with the positive, but he still feels that I was always trying to "fix" him. I think have PTSD from some of his issues. Looking back at pictures from when he was little makes a little sad ... I don't remember his smiles and laughter from those pictures. I remember the tantrums, the lack of sleep, the work of all his therapy. I occasionally sneak in some time to watch video of him as a child because I need those good memories to counteract the hard ones. Anyway, I am happy that he was able to attach so securely to his dad and his brother. I understand that I got his worst because I was safe. But, we are working on our relationship and it is better now than it has ever was since he weaned. Dh is helping me stay positive. I do wish that I had turned more of the hard stuff over to dh. I do wish I had gotten more help for me during those really hard years. But, I have no regrets about homeschooling him whatsoever. I know, in his case, that he was much better served at home than he would have been in school. Despite the fact that we live in one of the "best school districts" in our state, I know it would have taken them much longer to figure out his issues and those early elementary years would have been wasted. Due to his auditory and sensory issues, they would have just assumed he was "not very bright." I was able to see how bright he was and was able to teach to his strengths while working on his issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 I know its a bummer when your kid says something like that, but one comment from a 5 year old does not a lifelong preference make. Your dd will have different relationships with you and your husband, and they will change and develop as she grows up, and that's ok. My oldest, adopted at 11, ALWAYS "liked" my dh more, but when she needed advice or commiseration, she came (and still comes) to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 She will like you more again on a different day. Don't worry about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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